STAYING or GOING: BOOK II: CHAPTER FOUR- PLAYING FOOL TO CATCH WISE

DAY ONE

BRIAN

Spending the day with Justin yesterday was a little… rough going at times. There’s an awkwardness that has grown between us and I’m not sure when it happened or where it came from. After we left the airport, I thought things would be better. I admit, I seem to have channeled Justin’s former gift of optimism. And we were fine… well, as long as we were talking about business. I could tell that a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders with the actions he’s taken in regards to the comic. Also, the elation at finally being able to get back some of his own in reference to Michael left him feeling a bit like himself- the person he was after he had finally beaten Craig- for a time. I know I should feel a bit bad for my best friend; his dreams are now officially in the toilet, after all. But after the shit he’s been doing and has done to Justin, I can’t say that I feel even an ounce of sympathy for him.

Once we arrived at the villa, we took our time exploring our new surroundings, beginning with its interior. Alex walked us through the area, which at first resembled my loft with its open floor plan. The structure was all glass and chrome but it still felt comfortable. In essence, it seemed a true blend of my minimalistic, clean-lined style with touches of the artistic and comfortable finishes that is more Justin’s. The entire side of the property gave an unparalleled view of the turquoise waters of the ocean. It was then that he showed us the pocket doors which led to a sunken deck area alongside a full-length pool. It was obvious that the people who created this area had taken their time in giving any future visitors a completely secluded oasis. Once we headed back inside, it was then that I noticed the different color furniture. Of course, there was a roomy L-shaped sectional in cream, like Justin and I had at the loft, but it was the two sets of red and yellow plush recliners that at first, seemed a bit out of place until we heard his explanation for them.

“There will most certainly be times when one or both of you are incredibly angry or confused. These chairs are designed to help you process before speaking, if necessary. They swivel so that you can either look out onto the ocean or if you should need a point of focus, the rose garden and vast grounds beyond. You’ll find that the gardens extend from this side all the way to the back of the property. It was designed that way with the theory that even if you’re feeling trapped within your minds, you’ll be able to see your way clear from any point within the villa, including the restroom. It also provides seclusion from the other residents and hotels on the island.”

“Does everyone else have a set up like this?” Justin asked, in awe, just like I was.

“They each have a similar set up but with different amenities, more suited to their needs. I chose this one for you and Brian because the two of you are deep thinkers, but you’re also easily distracted, due the fact that everyone depends on you. It doesn’t matter if they know you or not; people gravitate towards the two of you. Being here will give you both the time to be yourselves and let your guards down without fear of being found, or found out. The traumas done to yourselves and each other- either personally or by way of other people- will require that you both be mentally present.”

“So why red and yellow chairs? They seem a bit out of place in here.”

“That’s exactly why they belong here. The red chairs are for when you’re not up for conversation of any kind. It’s your quiet place and no one is allowed to intrude on that. The yellow chairs are for when you want to talk, but still feel the need to be wary about the subject matter. The sectional is for when you both are having a good moment between you, or are conducting business that requires both of your full focus on the matter at hand. If at anytime, either of you needs to end the conversation or activity, for whatever reason, that’s what the red chairs are for.”

At first, I thought Alex was full of shit, until I came back from walking along the beach and saw Justin sitting in one of the red recliners, looking out towards the gardens. I knew when he was in that chair that I couldn’t speak to him so I sat in one of the yellow chairs and waited. It took about an hour for him to acknowledge me, but I didn’t mind since it gave me a chance to observe him. There was no question that Justin was planning within that overactive brain of his, but what was it? As he looked at me, I knew within my heart that I couldn’t ask him what he was thinking about; I didn’t feel I had earned that right back yet. So I simply asked him where he wanted to go for dinner.  We ended up at the Stokley Bar and Grill. Alex hadn’t lied when he said that the villa was nestled within its own resort away from the main area. Nothing looked familiar around us, but that was okay because I couldn’t get lost without Justin being lost with me. That fact, as far as I was concerned, was all to the good.

We ordered and kept the conversation light. I just enjoyed being someplace new with him and seeing it all through his eyes. Sure, Justin and I had gone away together before, but that was strictly for business purposes. We’d never had a real vacation, not even a honeymoon. It was then that I realized that beyond working our businesses and going to our usual haunts when we were in Pittsburgh, Justin and I hadn’t really done much privately since we’ve known each other. I swallowed hard at the reality that we’d really only boiled down to business. Of course, we were still hot, and hot for each other- at least that was the case with me- but outside of that, it was like we’d lost ourselves in the constant grind of success. Rising to the top of our respective and collective fields, has left us scraping the bottom when it came to our relationship. It was then that I questioned if we had done the right thing by marrying.

“Don’t think about it,” Justin whispers right at that moment.

“What are you talking about?”

“Nothing. I…”

“Let’s not start this trip with lies, Justin. Not to ourselves or to each other. So tell me… please?”

“I was just wondering why we’d never gone away like this before,” he tells me, shyly.

I nod and sigh. “We did try a few times, but…”

“Things, people, and business just kept getting in the way. Do you think that’s at least part of what went wrong? Us never taking time out for each other?”

I had to think about that for a moment. Justin and I had set-up date nights when we first got back together after the unmentionable, but once we allowed the first interruption, we just… stopped. I told him, “I think that’s a part of it, but there was something else. I mean, life happens to everyone, married or not, and some still make time to fix what’s broken.”

“So, is that what we are? Are we broken, Brian?”

“Badly damaged, for certain. But broken? I honestly don’t know.”

We left the conversation there last night, both silently agreeing not to talk about it further just then. Instead, we concentrated on the excellent food and talked of inconsequential things like business and Daphne’s latest call from gay old Paris. We also talked briefly about the London job that Justin is considering, but not whether he’s going to take the job, or his feelings about the man requiring his services. I guess he knew those would be hot-button subjects and we promised Alex that we wouldn’t argue or talk about things that had the potential to cause harm. When we arrived back at the villa well past midnight, we did what we always seem to do lately. We fucked hard, showered silently and went to sleep.

So now, I’m on my way to the first session. I’m not sure what to expect. Don’t get me wrong, I know not to expect this all to be easy, or to give ‘microwave’ answers to problems which have been stewing for far too long between us and are now boiling out of control. I’m not that optimistic. But I am hoping to understand Justin better; to see this all through his eyes for a change. And if that has to start with me accepting some hard truths about myself… well, I’ve never been one to not face it, even if I don’t admit that truth aloud to someone else.

“Good morning, Brian. Come on in and get comfortable,” Alex tells me and I smirk at his choice of words. I am decidedly not comfortable with any of this and yet I know, it has to be done.

As I settle on the recliner across from him, I’m actually surprised at the set up. There is a full oceanview and the space feels more like a living room than an office setting, although there is a desk. Clearing my throat, I ask, “So have you been able to pull up the messages from the cloud?”

He smiles. “Before we come to that, I’d like you to tell me why you married Justin.”

“Because I love him. Isn’t that reason enough?”

“Not exactly. There are plenty of people in relationships such as yours who never take that step. I reckon that you two would still be together even if you never joined your lives in this way.”

“I would like to think so.”

“Then why marriage? Why a Legal Domestic Partnership, which joins you both so thoroughly that you can’t even move anything in your lives without the other one knowing?”

I thought about that for a moment. It wasn’t something that Justin had asked of me, even though I knew he would jump at the chance. “When we had gotten back together, I thought… well, if there was anyone I would want to tie myself to for the rest of my natural life, it would be Justin. After everything we went through with Stockwell, and then L.A. came a-calling… I guess…”

He nods. “So timing was everything. But perhaps there was also a little fear?”

That brought me up short. Did I actually fear losing Justin again? I mean, after everything, there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that Justin would stay with me then, no matter what. But… “I didn’t fear losing him per se…”

“Brian, you have to be honest here. I won’t judge you, you have to know that. So I’ll ask again. Was the reason that you asked Justin to marry you, besides the obvious love you share, because of the fear that he was leaving you behind again?”

“He wasn’t leaving me behind; he was going for work. Michael had basically bullied him into it and…”

“Stop stalling. This isn’t about Michael’s involvement, although we’ll get to that too. But this is about what you were feeling when Justin told you he was going to L.A. How Justin ended up in Hollywood originally makes no never mind, but the after effects are what matter here. What did you feel when Justin said that he wanted to take the extended job with Brett Keller?”

I sigh deeply before answering. “Justin said that although Mikey forced him into it, he thought that it would be a good thing for us. I was just recovering financially and we had started Kinnetik. We were doing good, but for some reason, it felt like he’d already made his decision and was just telling me what he was going to do. Somewhere, while we were separated, Justin came back to me this self-assured man, and I knew that I didn’t want to lose him. So yeah, I came up with a way to make sure that no matter who he was with or wherever he would go, he would always return to me. It helped that I was already having thoughts of what it would be like to be with him for always, not just for however long it lasts, as I had thought previously. Los Angeles just moved up the timetable.”

“And would you change anything about the circumstances in which you asked Justin to join his life with yours?”

“I don’t do regrets, but even if I did, I don’t have a single one about binding myself to Justin Taylor-Kinney. It has proven time and again to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” Alex tells me as he hands me the sheaf of papers he’s been toying with since we sat down. “What you have there are the messages, both written and transcribed from the voicemails, of your Partner-free weekend. I’m going to leave you for a few moments to go over them by yourself.”

I nod, already looking through the pages and pages of messages Justin left me. Not only were they foreign to me, but increasing in agitation. I can’t say that I blame him. If I were him, I probably would have thought the same thing… that he was ignoring me, instead of him just not knowing that I was reaching out. After a time, Justin’s text and voicemails had become perfunctory and business-related. No emotion, no words beyond those pertaining to Kinnetik and JTD, Inc., much like they are now. That hurt worse than if he had just told me that I was a motherfucking piece of shit. At least, he would have been showing me his anger. Instead, they were messages as nonchalant as if he was ordering lunch.

Alex came back into the room just as I was putting the rest of the stack down. I just couldn’t read any more. I have to wonder when we became this shell of our former selves and when Justin had officially reached the point where he decided to stop trying. Clearly, it was before the first of the business-related messages, telling me what he was doing and when he had acquired more real estate. So when?

“How are you feeling? I know it seems a redundant question, but it’s one that needs to be asked and answered truthfully. So Brian, how did reading the evidence of Justin’s claims make you feel?”

“Honestly, like shit,” I tell Alex. “I mean, I didn’t know, that’s true, but putting myself into Justin’s place, I can understand why he’s angry with me. Yet, I also feel relieved.”

“Relieved?”

“Yeah, relieved. Having to make the choice between Michael and my husband… well, it should have never come down to that. I should have always chosen Justin. But part of me feels relieved, because now I can do so with a clear conscience. Does that make sense?”

“Believe it or not, yes. Deb and Michael were there for you in a time when you had no one else to rely on. The physical and emotional abuse you suffered at the hands of Jack, Joan, and Claire Kinney, scarred you in ways that no one should have to deal with. They provided a safe haven for you, if only for a little while. In exchange, they demanded your loyalty- not through words, but through their actions. Their words of how much you owed them came later, after you’d made a success of yourself within the Advertising community. But prior to that, think of all the times you saved Michael from being beat up; the times you paid off Michael and Deb’s debts. We won’t count Vic, because despite everything he’d done for you, he also never threw it in your face or tried to block any good thing from your path that would take you away from his plans for you. With Michael and Debbie, their love was always contingent upon your ability to take care and be there for Michael. So yes, Brian, your relief of choosing what you need over what they want is viable. It doesn’t make you a bad person; it makes you a free one.”

I nod my head at his assessment. Part of the reason I’ve been so reluctant to let go of Michael and Deb is because of the shared history. They knew me long before I became the Stud of Liberty Avenue, or Brian Kinney, CEO of Kinnetik. They knew that scared little kid, who just couldn’t understand why he was always so hated by God and family alike. “It’s weird, but yeah, you’re right. I just never really saw it that way… well, I did, but I couldn’t give words to it. When Justin came around, it was hard to believe that he wanted me just for me. I was so used to being everything to everyone that I couldn’t recognize someone who was just there for me and didn’t want anything tangible in return.”

“I imagine that was hard. Was your family still asking you for money back then?”

“Everyone was asking me for money or something! It was like I couldn’t go to eat without Michael asking or Deb asking for Michael. I couldn’t go to work without Lindsay calling and asking for my sperm and a loan. I couldn’t go home without Jack, Joan, Claire, Deb, or Michael showing up at my door demanding a handout, spouting that it was my duty in some form to take care of them. Then along comes Justin, a guy who wanted a piece of the Stud of Liberty Avenue… only he didn’t know I was the stud.”

“And how did you respond to that knowledge? How were you feeling?”

“At first, it felt good. I mean, here was a kid who didn’t have any expectations beyond getting off. I could be a fucking travesty in bed, and he wouldn’t have known the difference but…”

“But?”

“It’s strange, but after finding out that Justin was a virgin, I just wanted to protect him.”

“Protect him?”

“Yeah. Don’t get me wrong… I wanted to- and did- fuck his brains out, but his innocence called to me. I wanted him to remember his first time with fondness, not the pain that I did.”

“How was your first time?”

“Fucked beyond measure. It’s why it took me eons to ever bottom again, and then only with Justin. My gym teacher was a closeted older man, who apparently never learned the finer points of etiquette. We had an affair, if you can call it that, from when I was fourteen until just before I graduated. In exchange, I got a soccer scholarship. The academic scholarship came when I fucked the then Dean of Student Affairs at Penn State. I topped him for an entire weekend once a year for all four years I was there. My GPA was great and could have sustained me without the Dean, but when someone in power threatens to change your grades if you didn't do what they wanted...well, you just do what you have to do in order to succeed no matter the personal cost. So you see, when Justin came along, I wasn’t sure how to accept a person who wanted nothing more from me than just to be with me, or to learn from me or…”

“To love you? Is that what you were going to say, Brian?”

I nodded, unable to form the words past the lump in my throat. “Before Justin came along, my entire existence was wrapped up in fucking. It was all I was and all I thought that I would ever be- both to myself and to others. He changed all that.”

“We’re going to end here for today since Justin will be coming in shortly. Don’t worry, I won’t betray your confidence. Besides, the latter part of what we discussed is something that has to be discussed in the couples’ session. In the meantime, you have homework.”

“Why don’t I like the sound of that?”

“Because you won’t. Your assignment is to leave here and go directly back to the villa. I want you to write your thoughts and feelings from today’s session in your individual journal.”

“I thought we just did that.”

“No, this is a self-examination kind of thing. Just write the first things that pop into your mind without filtering them; don’t erase or cross out anything no matter how much the compulsion drives you to do so. Trust me, Brian, it’s necessary. Oft times, we edit ourselves even within our own thoughts, and it hinders us from reaching our full potential. It hinders us from really striving for what we really want, based on what someone else feels is correct. Yes, even you, though you are more about self-gratification than the idealistic alternatives. If you weren’t, well you wouldn’t have been forced to finally make a choice, now would you?”

I thought about what he’s said and actually have to grudgingly agree. “Damn, I hate when you are right. But be warned, Alex. It won’t happen too often.”

“I look forward to the challenge, Brian. I’ll see you later.”

I left the office feeling a little better about what he and I talked about. Having Alex say aloud what I’ve thought, but have never come right out and said, put things in a new perspective for me. No, I’m not better, since Justin and I aren’t fixed yet, but I will admit that this therapy thing isn’t half bad.

JUSTIN

I saw Brian leaving the office a few moments ago and breathed a sigh of relief. I didn’t want to have an awkward conversation about inconsequential things or how his session went. I suppose he and I will talk at some point today, but I can put it off awhile longer. Right now, I have to gear myself up to being emotionally probed again by Alex. Never an easy task, as I learned a long time ago.

The thing about Alex is that he doesn’t allow you to hide. Even what you deem as the truth, often contains a hidden lie in there somewhere. I always found that theory of his strange, but when he told me that lying includes those of omission, I began to see what he meant. It happens when we stop our minds from playing devil’s advocate in order to live in what we perceive as the truth at the time, afraid that we’re just not right in our thinking and beliefs. Yet if we took the time to look at things from a different perspective, we might have saved ourselves loads of bullshit that comes with hurt feelings and the like. What can I say except that I’m still a work in progress when it comes to that.

As I enter the office, I can still smell a hint of Armani Code within the space, telling me that Brian has been here. No, it’s not just the scent, since hundreds of men wear the same fragrance, but that it is mixed with the smell that is wholly and uniquely Brian. It’s a scent that I would know and instantly be attracted to even if I was deaf, dumb, and blind. Brian has always had that effect on me.

“Nice to see you, Justin. Come in and make yourself comfortable. Would you like some coffee?” Alex asks me. I nod while making my way to the sofa. As he selects one of the many K-cups and begins the brew, he asks, “So how did it go last night?”

“It went okay.”

“Just okay?”

“Well, it was better than I expected.”

“And just how did you expect things to go?”

“Honestly, south. I mean, I had just handed his best friend his ass in front of everyone. The Brian I’ve always known would have had a mountain of ‘Fuck You’ attitude for me to climb over.”

He brings both his cup and mine over to the seating area, and places them down. “So what does that mean to you exactly?”

“I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do. Think about what you felt when Brian declared that he would stand by you. What did you feel then?”

I closed my eyes while sipping the hot beverage, giving myself the time to collect all of the thoughts swirling through my head. How did I feel? That’s a tough one to answer without sounding smug. But what the hell... “I felt vindicated. I felt like maybe Brian was finally telling the truth.”

“The truth about what?”

“That he was done being Michael’s puppet; that he was done being my judge, jury, and executioner. That maybe, just maybe, he finally understood what it was like to the be the partner of Michael Novotny’s best friend. Does that make sense?”

Alex smiled at me. “Sure it does. It hasn’t been easy for you since night one. And honestly, that could be a good thing in your case.” As I started to protest, he held up his hand. “Hear me out, Justin. Things haven’t necessarily ever come hard for you before you met Brian Kinney. In fact, most things came easily. Not without a price, but easily just the same. Your parents took care to make sure that all of your immediate needs were met and provided you with a state-of-the-art education. You made friends, or acquaintances, easily, prior to your coming out. And even then, you still had the support of many of your fellow students. With Brian, beyond your initial meeting and subsequent fucking, you’ve had to fight every single threat- real or perceived- to be with him. So my question is: what about Brian made you want to? What was it about Brian that made him your ultimate addiction?”

I was silent for a few moments, thinking back to that time. “I stepped onto the Avenue that night looking to get laid. I got hit on by a lot of guys. From Drag Queens, to Sugar Daddies, to those who would make you think they were one of those dirty old men willing to lock a young boy like me in a basement and then off me… I mean it was a very eye-opening experience. Originally, when I stopped under the streetlight, I was just about ready to call Daphne to come pick me up. I mean, it just didn’t seem like it was in the cards for me that night. So when I feel eyes scrutinizing me from across the parking lot, and they belonged to a truly beautiful man, I was hooked.

"Physically, to me, and apparently a lot of others, based on his tricking track record, Brian is perfect. His bone structure alone was something I couldn’t wait to sketch out. But strangely, he was the only one out of all the men who hit on me, that I felt completely safe with. That’s what attracted me first, but then we got to talking after sex, where he was giving me some hardcore and uncensored life lessons about what I had done that night. He was right that he could’ve been a mass murderer or something and I had put myself in a vulnerable place. I won’t lie and say that I wasn’t also aroused by the danger and excitement of it all. The fact that he was not only scolding me, but also teaching me how to navigate the waters of the brave new world I had entered, spoke volumes to me about his character. It also told me that he cared. That was when my heart decided to love Brian.”  

“So what is your heart deciding now?”

“Well, I’m here, so I guess it has decided that it’s worth it to either try to work it out or to know for sure that our relationship can’t be.”

“What do you want out of this?”

“To know myself and my own needs again. It feels like I’ve spent so many years putting Brian’s wants and needs above my own that somehow they have become one entity. What happened with Michael yesterday felt a little like I was rediscovering myself again.”

“No, that was just about business.”

“Not all of it. For a long time, I’ve fought against Michael, not giving him an out or a way to say ‘I didn’t mean it the way it sounded’, when he really did. For years, I fought against the idea of what Michael represented, against the thoughts and verbalizations that Michael would always be more important to Brian than I am. But somewhere along the way, I stopped believing it. That is what I got back yesterday… the belief that Brian and I are more than just the business, more than just fuckbuddies with an entwined life, that…”

“What? What is it that you want to say, but don’t, Justin?”

I swallowed hard, knowing that the one thought Brian would hate me for having is the one thought that needed to be exorcised for good. “That Brian didn’t make the biggest mistake of his life by saving mine the night of the prom. And wouldn’t Michael just love to hear that I have the same dark thoughts in my head from time to time which he has no trouble spewing from his mouth as often as he dares. Until yesterday, only Brian and I knew that he’d said it before.”

“You? You knew about him saying that? How?”

“Because although I’ve never told anyone, Michael’s said it to me one more than one occasion. And when he hasn’t voiced it aloud, his looks have.”

“Why didn’t you say something before?”

I huffed a small humorless laugh. “Because then I would have to admit that it bothered me. I wasn’t going to give Michael the satisfaction of knowing that he voiced what I sometimes thought; he would only use the knowledge to torment me further. Or knowing Michael as I do, he would have encouraged me to give in to them. No. Instead I would just smile and tell him that ‘Today along with so many others is just fated to remain unlucky for you, because I’m not going anywhere’ and he would do what he always does. He’d run to Brian with selective facts about the whole situation and demand that I be put in my place. And you know what, I was in for another episode of the Brian and Mikey Show.”

“But Justin, I’m sure if you defended yourself…”

“For what? Brian should have known me better than to believe the shit Michael spewed.”

“So you expected him to be a mind reader?”

“No. Just to know ME,” I tell Alex, emphasizing the last word. “He should have known me, the man sharing his life; the man sharing his bed on a regular basis more than his best friend.”

“I’m not sure I follow.”

“I gave Brian everything of myself that first year. Along with sex, I gave Brian intimacy, whether he wanted it or not. There was only one thing I kept from him…”

“The situation with Kip?”

“Yes, because I didn’t want him to know and think he owed me, like he so often heard from everyone else. I didn’t do it for that reason, or so that he would stay with me. I did it because I loved him. It was that simple.”

“And how exactly did Ethan happen? It’s always something that really bothered me.”

“You want the long version or the short and not-so-sweet answer?”

“It’s your hour, so pick one.”

“Ethan started off as a friend. I had no intention of crossing the line into an affair. I basically adopted Brian’s rule of not fucking your friends, and was happy with that. But then little things that used to not bother me too much about Brian and I started to get to me. Instead of telling me what was going on with him, he told Michael. Michael called and Brian was out the door. Meanwhile, I was emotionally faltering in every area of my life. I was having trouble at school, but I didn’t tell Brian. I was still having nightmares about the bashing, and although Brian knew, I felt like a burden to Brian. It didn’t help that Ethan was whispering sweet nothings in my ear every chance he got until I would tell him that nothing would come of it and he’d stop.

"But the final straw; it wasn’t the Chicago trip when I took off to Vermont for what was supposed to be our first time away. No, it was the night I had planned a picnic on the floor for us. I got the idea from Ethan, thinking it was a good way to get the intimacy back between me and Brian. After the whole birthday bullshit, I had started to feel like the live-in callboy Michael kept calling me, so I decided it was time to get the closeness back into our non-relationship. Only Ben was in the hospital at the time and I didn’t know. I didn’t know that Brian had spent most of the day at the hospital instead of all day at work. I just knew that when I offered myself to Brian- for that is what the picnic on the floor represented to me- he pushed me away in favor of a night at Babylon. So I left him to his preparations and went to the one person who wanted to know me. I didn’t intend on having sex with Ethan that night, but I did. It was the one and only night I almost let someone else top me; I just needed to be taken care of in that moment. But when the sex was over, I got up wholly unsatisfied and confused.”

“Confused about what?”

“Everything. What was I to Brian. I knew what I thought I was, but there I was, acting like the whore Michael repeatedly called me. Why couldn’t Brian love me the way I needed him to? Yet there he was, working to take care of me from providing a roof over my head to paying for my school, while I was providing what in return? A warm, willing body and minimal confrontation? A maximum amount of pleasure with a minimum of bullshit? After that night, I checked out emotionally, or at least I thought I did, until Brian listened to Michael about what he thought Ethan was to me. So when the Rage party happened, instead of telling Brian how I felt about seeing him with Rage, I left with Ethan. Strangely, Ethan became my break from my reality with Brian, which sucked at that point.”

“But you were willing to stay, knowing you didn’t love him?”

“I won’t sit here and blow smoke up your ass by lying. I loved the idea of Ethan. He was giving me what I thought I needed from Brian at the time. He only put me second to his craft, but as soon as he asked that I hide who he and I were, that’s where the fantasy ended for me. I’d almost died because I refused to do that, and here I was stuck with someone I could no longer respect simply because he claimed to love me. Brian may never have said the words, but I knew right then that not only did he love me, but he was also proud of me. I wish I had seen that truth before everything went to shit between us the first time. But as Brian told me, I was young and inexperienced. But what he doesn’t know is that I was also punishing myself. In my warped way of thinking, after I laid with Ethan the first time, I didn’t deserve Brian. Self-sabotage is like a drug addiction- easy as hell to fall into; hard as fuck to stop doing it.”

“So basically, Michael was voicing everything you were thinking and wondering about yourself at the time and you broke?”

“Yes. I felt broken, so I broke for real. I felt emotionally bankrupt so I left the person who I kept draining and found a new source for a time. At least, that’s the way it was in my mind.”

“You don’t think that what you were feeling at the time was misplaced guilt and anger?”

“I know now that it was, but at the time, no. As Brian was blaming himself, I was blaming me. I was invading his life where I was so clearly not wanted. So I went to the person who wanted me, while constantly thinking of the one who didn’t. What does that make me?”

“Human.”