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IN or OUT: BOOK II: CHAPTER FOUR: PLAYING FOOL TO CATCH WISE Part 2


BEN:


I walked into Barry’s office ready for just about anything. What I was not prepared for was the thunderous look upon his face even as he handed me a cup of Lemon Ginger Green Tea.


“Uh… good morning?” I spoke in uncertainty, as he went back to the desk, gathering a thick sheaf of papers along the way.


“Depends on how you look at it, Ben. On the one hand, I was not looking forward to dealing with Michael first thing this morning. However, the tersely worded reason for his absence from our session leaves a lot to be desired, especially when it includes a petulantly-given ultimatum.” He hands me the note in Michael’s chicken scratch writing.


Dear Pseudo-Doc,


Until you figure out that I should be treated as an equal to Boy Wonder in ALL things, including my access to MY BEST FRIEND, there is no need to even speak to me, during sessions or outside of them. Any questions or concerns, address them with Ben, since he knows that this is what was also required of HIM throughout our marriage.


Signed,

Mr. Michael Novotny-BRUCKNER


Reading and rereading Michael’s handwritten temper tantrum once again drove home the thoughts that had been swirling through my head for many weeks now. I keep wondering where I went wrong. Why wasn’t I enough? Outside of my teaching responsibilities- and maybe even because of them- Michael had all of my attention. I gave him everything… EVERYTHING of myself, but still he chases after Brian, the same way most religious people chase after the tenets of their deities. I chuckle to keep from crying at the truth of that thought.


“Have a seat and tell me what’s on your mind, Ben.”


I cross over to the couch, thinking how best to phrase what I’ve just come up with. It still amazes me that the root of all my insecurities and problems can be summed up in two words. “Justin Taylor.”


“Huh?” Barry looks at me, confused.


“Justin Taylor.  He’s at the base of all my problems with Michael.”


“Strange, but I would have thought you would have said that about Brian Kinney.”


“Most people would, except that Brian is the cause of the problem, not the root of it. Think about it. Michael would have absolutely no problem with Brian tricking. Even before I was a thought in his head, Brian was doing that. Hell, he even did it with me, although no one knew it at the time. But once Justin came along, every thought Michael ever had in terms of Brian was in some form or fashion related to getting Justin out of the picture. Sure, Justin was useful to Michael in terms of creating Rage, but as far as Michael was concerned, Justin could still do that away from Brian, and should be happy that Michael was willing to let him do it. Justin’s continued presence puts all of Michael’s theories and unrealistic expectations firmly out of reach. In turn, whatever his original plan- or more accurately, the timespan- he had for me to be in his life didn’t have the effects he thought it would.”


“Ah, you’re thinking of the whole David Cameron situation, are you not?”


“Exactly that. It’s funny, originally I had the impression that he was this controlling asshole, a father-figure type that wanted to crush Michael’s spirit; someone who wanted to create his own live Ken doll, without an original thought in his mind. Now I see it much differently. I fulfilled the role of Ken.”


“Why do you believe that?”


“I allowed Michael to use me for his own financial stability and emotional well-being, while he steadily worked on his goal of eventually either being Mrs. Brian Kinney, or the best friend of the Stud of Liberty Avenue. Either scenario would have planted Michael firmly by Brian’s side, as he was prior to the advent of Justin Taylor in their lives. I wasn’t around from night one of their meeting, but have been told the story of ‘The Trick That Really Wasn’t’, from numerous points of view. Of course, Michael tells it far differently from Ted and Emmett, who were also there at that chance meeting under a streetlight. Brian may have looked at Justin as a one night stand at the time, but I believe that somewhere between them ending up at the loft and going to the hospital, even then, something was changing within Brian. I can tell you from personal experience, that beyond sex, Brian Kinney is never so solicitous with people he just deems as mere tricks.”


“So in essence, you’re thinking that if Justin wasn’t around- or more accurately, if he’d stayed gone after the Ethan episode- Michael would have been content with that?”


“Yes. He would still have been able to still live vicariously through the tricks Brian had nightly, and within the fantasies that he’s carried around with him since his teenage years. Justin’s presence doesn’t allow him to do that. I can’t figure out when I became so fucking weak-willed as to allow someone sharing my life to treat me as if I’m not enough. Even Paul, who infected me before he died, didn’t treat me so callously, nor did I allow him to. So why did I let Michael, even after he told me he had sexual feelings for Brian?”


“I can’t answer that for you. But I can tell you that Maya Angelou was right in that we teach people how to treat us. Honestly, it’s the one thing I never got about you and Michael. You were successful in your career and were supporting him, yet he treated you as one would dirty dishwater. I’m not talking about just in public, but apparently in private, too. He treated you as if you were disposable at any time. Let me ask you this… why Michael in the first place? Perhaps if you can answer that and we build from there, maybe you’ll see where you went wrong in terms of treating yourself. You performed the worst form of self-abuse on yourself and I just can’t figure out why, so let’s start at the beginning. What were you thinking when you met Michael.”


“What every man thinks when they see him, I suppose. I thought he was adorable in all his comic book geekiness. He just somehow came alive when he was talking about them. So much so that I wanted him to just keep talking. He was so animated and enthusiastic; it was infectious… and I began to want to get to know him.”


“What did his comic book geekiness represent to you?”


“I’m not sure I follow…”


“Well, how were geeks of any kind treated when you were in school? You and Michael aren’t that far apart in age. I would say about five years at the most, so I don’t imagine there was the ‘anti-bullying regulations’ that are set up a lot more frequently in today’s school setting, correct?”


“That’s true. We were bullied. Yes, I ran track and worked out religiously, but at base, I was still considered a geek outside of track season. So I’ve had my fair share of shit done to me by fellow students, but not so much that I would have endured daily beatings, or things like Justin endured his senior year just for being gay.”


“Do you think Michael would have?”


I had to think about that for a minute. “Yes, I do. If Brian wasn’t there to protect him, there isn’t a doubt in my mind that Michael would have still been trying to flush the ingestion of toilet water out of his system.”


Barry snickered. “Interesting point of view there. So again, I have to ask what it was about Michael that first attracted you on deeper level?”


It finally dawned on me what he was really asking. “That protective gene reared its head, which if I’m honest, was kind of weird for me. In my former relationship, with Paul, although I was very vocal, I let him take the lead in a lot of situations. Paul was much more Type A about everything than I was, so it kept arguments between him and I to a minimum. By the time I’d met Michael, I was leading my life with a pretty firm hand and wasn’t willing to easily hand over the reins to anyone else. I don’t know if it was because of the distrust in people I was working hard to expel due to Paul’s infidelity, or if it was just my natural tendency to take care of things coming to the forefront. All I knew was, that I wanted Michael. I wanted to get to know him, to protect him and make him happy, if he would give me the chance to.”


“So when did you start feeling that you had to be different in order to be with him? And why?”


I shake my head, realizing that it was almost at the beginning. “It was when I told him about me being positive. At first, when he left after I told him, I thought well, he wasn’t the type with staying power, so no harm done… or at least, that’s what I told myself. Honestly, it hurt like hell that he didn’t want to get to know me beyond the virus I carry. I was seriously considering giving the POS-Men group a try. My friends had told me about it and that they had found partners who were in the same predicament we were; they said it made it easier for them to find real love despite their shortened life spans. So when Michael started pursuing me, I was not going to give him another chance. But then he started doing these really cutesy things that made me feel warm inside, in spite of myself.”


“Michael Novotny and cutesy, in the same context? Well that’s a first for me! But please continue.”


I snickered at Barry’s puzzled expression. “He followed me to a pick-up basketball game that a bunch of the other teachers at the college participate in twice a week. He grabbed the ball, bouncing it in such a way where even five-year olds would have been looking at him strangely, and he wouldn’t give it back until I agreed to another date with him. He asked me to meet him at Woodys for Karaoke night. At first, I wasn’t thrilled that his friends were in attendance and I told him so. I was about to leave, when he got up on stage and started singing- horribly, I might add- an old Michael Jackson song. Even though it was a song about Michael Jackson’s rat, it was still touching because it had our two names associated with the song. I know it’s corny in a sense, but it was also really sweet.”


“So you decided to give him another chance.”


“Yeah, I did.”


“Do you regret it?”


“Knowing what I know now, yes. In retrospect, it seemed a fitting punishment for not only getting involved with someone who couldn’t love only me, but for trusting Paul. But back then, no I didn’t. I thought any man willing to embarass himself just for the chance to really get to know me couldn’t be half bad. Passing Debbie’s muster was tough, but once I did, I felt the rocky start to the story of ‘Michael and Ben’ was all worth it.”


“When did it stop feeling worth it?”


“When I started to feel as if I owed him for just being in his presence.”


“When did that start?”


“Oddly enough, most would think that it started after the steroid use, but in reality, it started after Michael found out that Brian and I had met several years prior at a White Party. He began to treat it as if Brian and I had an affair, when in reality the last thing Brian was thinking about was Michael’s ‘future’, and I didn’t even know who he was. Michael blew the entire situation out of proportion. I never did really figure out why though. I remember asking him if it was because I was fucked by Brian and he wasn’t; he never answered. Which leads me back to the problem of Justin, since he’s gotten far more than I ever did from Brian. But he should have since they are actual husbands. That’s one fact still hard to fucking believe even if I am happy for them. I wonder if that’s what Michael’s real problem is.”


“The LDP itself or that Brian gives Justin the parts of himself that Michael has never gotten? Either way, both scenarios are possible especially since Brian and Justin have taken the ultimate step to join their lives in a way none of you others have. But then, from Justin’s point of view, it could also be said that Michael has gotten a part of Brian Taylor-Kinney that Justin didn’t have or hasn’t received yet which keeps that friendship bound together so tightly that they are each possibly going to lose their marriage. At least, that’s the way it’s looking right now. So it brings the one question I have for you now. If there was one thing you would change in your entire relationship with Michael, what would it be?”


“That I wouldn’t have lied to spare his feelings.”


“Lied?”


“Yes. I lied to him and to myself. I told him that it didn’t bother me that he loved Brian, but I didn’t mean it in the way he’s so obviously taken it. And a lie by omission is still a lie dressed up as a covert truth; just as an excuse is a lie dressed up with a pretty bow to make sense. The truth is that I have felt more valued as a placeholder and a walking checkbook than I ever have as a husband throughout our so-called marriage. I’ve made excuses for the way he is, without admitting that it’s my fault for not being completely honest with him.”


“Not Debbie’s?”


“Sure, she bears a majority of the blame. But while Michael was trying to become like me, he ended up chastising and castigating the others for their life choices. That’s particularly true in terms of Brian, Ted, and Emmett’s choices for life partners. I guess maybe he thought if he could project the image of emotional maturity, no one would see the rotten, emotionally-stunted child beneath the facade. Except that over the years, that mask has been cracking more and more with every sentence he’s uttered in reference to his friends. While they are all moving on and away from the binds and habits of their former reputations, it’s becoming more and more evident that Michael is being left behind. I think that was the main purpose of ‘partner-free week’.”


“Speaking of which…” Barry pulls the sheaf of papers closer to him before regarding me again. “I’m not sure if you are aware of what Justin said, in terms of leaving messages for Brian, just as Blake and Drew had left messages for Ted and Em. This is the proof that Justin was telling the absolute truth of the situation.”


“What do you mean? I mean, I knew the guys left behind were calling Brian, Ted, and Emmett but did something else happen?”


“Yes. This the proof of the messages, but when checked against each of the three men’s phones, there were no messages.”  

 

Oh fucking hell!

 

Chapter End Notes:

 

 

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