STAYING OR GOING: BOOK II: CHAPTER 7: REVELATIONS Part 1

JUSTIN:

So finally everything will be out in the open. I don’t know whether to feel happy and relieved about this, or scared and apprehensive. I know that it’s long overdue; that’s not even a question at this point. It’s what- if anything- are we going to feel and think when it’s all over? I mean, will I look at them and see censure for what I say? Will they look at me with the same respect? Will they once again view me as the teenager I was when I first met them?

I know it seems silly to worry about such things at this juncture, maybe even a little narcissistic to think that they would think of me at all. It’s because I’m the youngest one at this table that is fueling this sudden anxiety. Yes, I’ve had more trauma than I should have ever had to experience, and that’s colored my view as the man I’ve grown to be thus far. But somewhere within me, in a place I don’t dwell very often, there is this fear that things will change between me and Brian, or me and the guys. I can’t help but wonder if they feel the same way.

“What’s on your mind, Sunshine?” Brian asks me.

“A million things.”

“Okay, so let’s start with the job that you don’t want to take.”

I sigh. I should have known he wouldn’t let that go. But in retrospect, I guess it’s as good a place as any to start since it’s what really kicked off the questions of what I’m still doing in the marriage with Brian. Sure Michael has a lot to do with those questions, too, but up until then, I would never have given him the satisfaction of having those thoughts in the first place. Making the decision as all of us settle in at the table to wait for our meals, I tell Brian what he wants to know.

“Everett Mayweather has been pressuring me to take the job with Mayweather Media…”

“That’s a lucrative contract should you take it,” Brian points out, and I nod.

“It is worth seventeen billion.”

“Holy shit!” Emmett exclaims, but then asks, “Why is it even a question about taking the contract?”

I drop my eyes, before answering. “Sometimes, Em, money isn’t everything. The fact is that he wants the job performed in London, and it would take me away from home for ten months to a year; longer if the work isn’t complete by then. I remember the strain being in Los Angeles, and then in New York put on my relationship with Brian. It didn’t help that he was under several misapprehensions thanks to our resident pain in the ass, but we were able to work through that time in our lives through the use of Skype and the fact that I was signing up accounts for Kinnetik left and right. It didn’t leave me much time for an active social life, beyond the work I was doing on the movie at the time, and that was fine with me. I had a definitive goal in mind, so I couldn’t regret how tired I was, or dwell on how much I missed Brian.

“With this London trip, I don’t have all of that. In fact, Mayweather keeps alluding to the fact that he expects more than just a passing acquaintance or the completion of a contract while I’m there. If it was just the question of an unmemorable fuck, then okay. I’ve had many of those and it wouldn’t affect anything, except that I would know the trick’s name. Big deal, no harm, no foul; just a one and done never to be repeated mindless fuck. But somehow, mine and Brian’s reputations, and the terms of our open marriage, has preceded us. I suspect that either Brett Keller or Connor James has mentioned it at one time or another, since they are the only two who knew before everyone else we’ve done business with that Brian and I were married before I arrived in L.A. The problem is that if I don’t take the job, there will be about hundred people still out of work since if I say yes, there will be a department amassed specifically for my use, and that’s just within what would be my department. Mayweather Media Inc. is in financial trouble in terms of staffing and such. However, if JTD is willing to work with Mayweather Media, not only will it increase both Kinnetik’s and JTD’s standing in the European markets, but it will generate enough cash flow going forward that there won’t be a need to lay anyone off. I already told Brett that if he’s willing to let Mayweather have their project, I would work with the company.”

“But they are one of the best graphics companies in the industry. How the hell did they get into financial trouble like that?” Ted asks, and I can’t help but wonder the same thing except that Brian and I know the answer.

“They’re overextended,” Brian answers. “It’s why, beyond the initial business loan to start Kinnetik, we’ve never borrowed or played the markets. When we first started our individual businesses, Justin and I agreed that if we couldn’t afford something we wanted, we would wait until a time when we could. We wanted to keep our cash as liquid as possible before investing anywhere. Fortunately, Jennifer was still working at Century 21 at the time and was willing to front us the cash when it came time to invest in our first piece of real estate. We paid her back in full with the first fees we got from Remson and Justin’s movie money. We paid off our individual business loans three months after that, and today we are debt free with enough cash in revenue to pay full price for any real estate we buy.”

“So what are you thinking to do about Mayweather, Justin?” Ben asks.

“I really don’t know. Like I said, if taking it is at the expense of my relationship with Brian, I don’t want or need it. But it won’t stop me from feeling guilty about what I’m doing to other people in the process of me being selfish.”

“But this isn’t the first time you’ve had to make a hard decision similar to this one, albeit in a different context, is it Justin?” Alex asks me, and I know what he’s alluding to.

I close my eyes. “No it isn’t, but he doesn’t count.”

“Who?” Brian asks, placing the glass of Beam he was about to sip back onto the table.

When I hesitate in answering, Blake says, “I believe he is talking about Kip Thomas, Brian.”

“Wha- Sunshine? What did you do?”

“Nothing important.”

I can feel Alex looking at me, even as I try to avoid everyone else’s eyes. I’m still wondering how Blake found out. I remember him bringing it up to me quite a while ago, and I never confirmed nor denied his insinuations, but it’s more than apparent that he knows more of the story than he’s ever let on. “You might as well come clean, Jus. It’s not my story to tell, but I have no trouble divulging the facts as I know them,” Blake tells me.

“Fine, I tricked Kip into dropping the charges against you.”

“How?” Brian asks me through gritted teeth, and I know that he’s only seconds away from exploding. But I also know that I don’t have room to avoid the question, not with everyone looking at me expectantly.

“I employed his own method of blackmail, using the law as a weapon. It wasn’t my fault that the fucker was barely literate so he never knew the age of consent in the state of Pennsylvania.”

“Justin, I told you to stay out of it. You could have been hurt- or worse- killed!” Brian yells at me, and although I am a millisecond from yelling back at him, I realize that this particular rant is years in coming. So I let him pace, rant, and bellow until the fight seems to leave from him. He falls back into the chair beside me. “Justin, you have to promise that you will NEVER do something so reckless again.”

“It depends,” I tell him, honestly.

“On? You have to know that the fucker could have killed you. I thought we got it straight the first night you and I fucked. You cannot go around endangering yourself like that!”

“It was for a good cause, and not only that but Kip- the rat fink fucker- was also a bully and a  coward. There wasn’t much that I feared he’d do to me, except actually blow me.” Brian looks at me incredulously, while I shrug. “He really sucked at it, and not in any way that I care to remember.”

“Jesus, Sunshine,” Brian snickers. “You really are incorrigible, aren’t you?”

“I’ve always been that way, but so are you when you choose to be.”

“So Justin, while we are on the subject of Brian’s dos and don’ts, I think it’s time that you come clean about why you really stopped working at Babylon,” Alex says, meaningfully. I can’t help the fidget and shift in my chair.

“Alex, that’s ancient history,” I protest, but he waves it off.

“It’s a tremendous part of your history, and I suspect you’re not the only one who needs it addressed.”

I look around at the guys when my gaze stops on Emmett. “You…”

“Yes, Baby, but I never told a soul.”

“What? What hasn’t been told?” Brian asks, looking back and forth between me and Emmett. “Honeycutt? Emmett? Please tell me what Sunshine here is reluctant to say aloud?”

Emmett is silent for a time, refusing to meet my pleading eyes. I never wanted Brian to know what actually happened, or that he was the reason it did. Seeming to make a decision inside himself, he tells Brian. “The reason Justin quit Babylon was because Sap and his cronies were intending to run a train on him. Justin defended himself, but…”

“But WHAT?” Brian yells, and it’s taking everything in me not to move away from him, or to demand that he hold me right now. All of the nightmares I had about that night are resurfacing as I sit here under the intense scrutiny of my husband, and the men I’ve come to regard as my brothers. “I have to know all of it. So stop! Just stop hiding the fucking truth from me!”

I lose it then. “You want to know the truth, Brian? I’LL GIVE YOU THE FUCKING TRUTH! I was regarded as nothing more than your boytoy, even then. They wanted to try out ‘Kinney’s Private Stock’ as they called me to my face, and behind your back. You want to know the truth? The truth is that I was stoned out of my fucking mind, but seeing my friend- a fellow student at PIFA- DEAD in the fucking swing sobered me up good! I kicked Sap and got the fuck out of there, even while they were all trying to force my pants down. There were six fucking men surrounding me Brian. SIX! All who wanted to try out Kinney’s Private Stock! So you don’t get to badger me about this! You don’t get to hurl the ‘I told you so’ that I know you’re just dying to say at me! You don’t get to tell me anything about what I should have fucking told YOU! There was nothing you could do!”

I take the bottle of Maker’s Mark from the table as I remove myself into an isolated corner of the deck. Although the water is before me, I know it’s the tears in my eyes clouding my vision right now. I never wanted him to know. I never wanted to lay the weight on him that I willingly carried because of what people thought I was to him, but Alex made it so I couldn’t hide it anymore.

“Emmett, why… why didn’t you tell me?”

“I couldn’t add to his pain, Brian. Besides, I had my own situation to deal with that night,” he answers.

“What?” Drew asks, and although I just want to be left alone right now, I also need to know why Emmett kept my secret all this time.

I remember him asking me if I was okay all the time after that, especially when I refused to go to Babylon for months afterward. I couldn’t tell him that it was the fear of being cornered by some of the other people I knew who were there that night, or the fact that I knew the guy that had been drugged and fucked to death. I couldn’t tell anyone what happened for fear that Brian would have made me go to the police, or wouldn’t have wanted anything to do with me. I just couldn’t risk it. But now I know why Emmett was so concerned about me then, and how hiding what had almost happened to me, led me right to Ethan.

“My ex-boyfriend, and dealer, showed up at my apartment earlier that night,” Em says quietly.

“Is that why you wouldn’t come to Woody’s with me and Brian?” Ted asks.

“Yes.”

“Em, why didn’t you say something? I would have…”

“That’s the exact reason why I didn’t, Teddy. You would have tried to help, and Blitz wouldn’t have let you. You would have been hurt. He was waiting in the apartment when I got home from work. Michael had let him in.”

“Did he know who the guy was?” Ben asks, and if I were a betting man, I would say unequivocally yes. Emmett’s answer in the affirmative confirmed it.

“Why the fuck would Michael do something so… so FUCKING STUPID?!” Ted yells.

“He didn’t care. That’s the plain and simple fact of the matter. But even if he did, he knew that you were going to be at Woody’s with Brian. He said that he had to make a stop over at Deb’s house to stop her from making a panting bitch out of herself, and then was going to head over to join you there. I didn’t even have time enough to stop him from leaving because as soon as his back was turned I was injected with GHB.”

“I thought you had to drink that,” Drew says, but Blake shook his head before answering.

“No. Drinking it down is the most common method, but when injected the effects are immediate. It only takes a slightly higher dose than what would have to be ingested to make the person incoherent. How soon after Michael left did Ted show up at the door, Em?”

“Soon enough that I was surprised he hadn’t run smack into Michael. It was almost as if his departure was timed perfectly, and since Ted was meeting Brian, he would have arrived at the bar on time, even if stopping to pick me up. Teddy was always like that.”

“Then that means he knew about Blitz’s plan beforehand?” Blake asks, and it’s not hard to see the storm clouds gathering behind his eyes. The second he gets up out of his chair, Drew is on him, pulling him into his chest. “I’M GOING TO KILL THAT FUCKER! DO YOU REALIZE WHAT HE DID?!”

“Calm down, Blake. You can’t kill him, even though we would all like to,” Drew calmly tells him.

“LIKE FUCK I CAN’T! IF HE DID THIS TO EMMETT…”

“We won’t let him do the same to you, Squirt. I promise.”

The fight leaves Blake then, and I know he feels just as helpless as we all do right now. “You can’t promise that, Giant. Besides, we all know that Michael is determined to ruin our lives so that he can have his boys back. It’s already too late for me.”

“You can’t know that.”

“Oh but I do, Drew. You see, I wasn’t at Sap’s party, even though I was supposed to be there with my dealer. Instead, we went to Babylon, where rumors were already running rampant about the newest, but missing, blond go-go boy. Michael knew of Sap’s plan regarding Justin because he fomented it with a promise to finally get Sap what he wanted most.”

“And what was that?” Emmett asks.

“A night with Brian Kinney.”

Again, another secret that I didn’t want Brian to know about! FUCK!!