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Author's Chapter Notes:

 

 

So just as a quick reminder, the next series of chapters is going to have a bit of a different format to how it's been in the past. There is a reason for that, which you will probably notice during this chapter. Once we hit BOOK III, we'll get back to our regularly posted chapter schedule (well as much as it can be anyway).

HAPPY READING,

~Nichelle

STAYING OR GOING: BOOK II: CHAPTER 9: 7 LIVES EXPOSED: IF ONLY YOU KNEW


BRIAN:


I hate to admit just how much Justin is right in having Alex come here. Even though I haven’t opened whatever filth Michael may have sent here, I already feel the specter of his malevolence trying to drive an irreparable wedge between me and Justin. The proof of that was the nonargument that almost happened only moments ago. But I have to hand it to the man I married; he recognized it right away, which is something we absolutely refused to acknowledge as a major issue between us years ago. It created this space between he and I that was always filled with the stuff we didn’t say… the mess of our thoughts and tragic feelings, or wrong opinions; just prejudgements and accusations hurled at the other’s head resulting in one or both of us storming out, or in his case, moving out. 


It’s a place I don’t want us to return to, and the fact that we were so close to that- are in the thick of that desolate time- is disheartening. 


Admittedly, when I proposed to and married him, I thought those days were over for us. I mean, we survived the bashing, and Sapperstein, and Ethan. Then we worked together to save our community from the Hitler-esque ruler Stockwell would have become had he been elected. Sure we lost everything, but we gained so much more. We gained each other, knowing that no matter what happened- rich or poor, which we were- all we needed was each other, and our wills to recover. 


So it was never a thought or reasonable assumption that we would be reliving our early days, for that is really what they were. The night of Justin’s prom, I can finally acknowledge that WE were just beginning. I was ready to have us become we, ours, and us, instead of simply just Brian and Justin. But the crack of a bat, and the thud of his body falling to the ground killed that pipe dream. But we survived; we started from square one and became the power couple I’d always envisioned us being when he was a mere eighteen years old.


Seems strange when you hear that aloud… well, at least to some it would. But Justin has always been endgame material, even when he was just beginning to figure himself out. I suppose that's what scared me the most. He’s always been a force of nature to be reckoned with. It’s what made letting him go impossible, and then letting him go for a time with Ethan a necessity. 


No one could possibly understand what it was like to live with Justin during that time; watching him flounder, and not being able to do a damn thing about it. I knew, even if he never said so, that whatever feelings he had for me the night of his prom and before it, were past history. No, that’s not quite accurate. They were buried, along with his memories. And that fucking hurt! It hurt that all of the messages I sent him on that long ago night were buried deep into his subconscious as if they never happened.


But they did.


It’s why I felt that I had to tell him all the things he never knew about that time from my perspective. It was our beginning, and it just seems a fitting place to start.


Sunshine,


So much to tell you, but I’ll begin with this: I LOVE YOU! I think I always have, even if I didn’t really know the emotion nor understand all its layers. No matter how long the friendships I’ve had- both past and present- you have always believed in me and my capacity to love unconditionally. I’m hoping that hasn’t changed, regardless of the mess we find ourselves in now. That said, I have to now tell you things I never wanted you to know.


You’re a brave little fucker; have been from the beginning, but it was hard to watch you disappear after the bashing, only to reemerge as a former shell of yourself. I have to wonder how long you’ve kept that particular brand of rage safe and secured from all to see. Part of me feels a bit honored that you allowed me to see it when you couldn’t hold it in. It was as if you knew deep down that you could trust me to take care of you, even in those moments. But the other part of me KNEW you were out of control.

 

That you were basically riding a pendulum of want, and need, and dissatisfaction by turns- all of which would be left unfulfilled. I think that was another thing that scared me, and forced me to bury my own feelings about everything. I didn’t know what you would do next, but I was also afraid that you would ‘stop swinging’. It was hard to watch you live through that, and not be able to help you; to fix you. And as such, it was hard not to hold myself responsible for it in a million ways.

 

I keep thinking ‘If only I’d been faster’... ‘If only I had expected it’... ‘If only I had kept to my first instinct, to not gone to your prom’, maybe you wouldn’t have been hurt. Maybe the boy I knew- who was never really a boy but a person on the cusp of manhood, and greatness- maybe he would still be around. I know that you constantly tell me that none of what happened was my fault, but from the inside of the memories- having to face those by myself for a time- it's not easy to see it that way.


I want you to understand something about this place we’re in again after all this time. None of this is all on you. I played my own major role in imploding us a little bit too well. I didn’t tell you what you needed to know, even though I knew just how much you had changed. I didn’t do anything spectacular to keep you with me, knowing that you just needed a mental break from it all.

 

I knew that as long as you didn’t get that, we would get lost in the shuffle of what life was bringing us at the time. 


Could I have stopped you from falling for Ethan’s bullshit? Of course. I knew that all it would take was telling you what you needed to hear from me. But would I? Well, that much is obvious, isn’t it? 


I didn’t. And between me, you, and this paper, it’s my one real regret in all of this. I should have told you, yet doing so would have held you back from rediscovering the differences between actions and words. Somewhere in my mind, while we were imploding, it occurred to me that I should have made that plain to you. But in retrospect, what were the odds that you would have believed me?


I keep hearing your voice saying that you were sorry, but I still can’t figure out what for. That you were falling for Ethan’s bullshit? Or was it simply because you lost your ability to read me? If it’s the latter, then you have absolutely NOTHING to be sorry for. Hell, even if it was because of the former, you have no reason to apologize. 


Sunshine, I felt you slipping away from me. I could tell that you were every time I looked into your eyes; in the silence of your kisses, or even when you were asleep. There was a restlessness about you that I couldn’t stop you from feeling. And no matter how hard you tried to control it, you couldn’t either. That slippery slope was the one thing that was bigger than the both of us, and we’re on it again unfortunately.


Do you want to know the real reason I wanted you to work with Michael on Rage? It was so that you could afford the things that you needed without having to depend on Ethan to provide them for you. I knew you wouldn’t come to me about money matters. Hell, if we were to count the amount of arguments we’d had over that alone, there wouldn’t be room left for people to walk freely upon this island! So it was my way of still seeing to your needs. 


I only wish that I hadn’t had to involve Michael in that in any capacity. Although I had hoped he was over his bullshit teenage behavior, in hindsight, I can see that he wasn’t. And I’m sorry for putting you into the position where you didn’t feel like you had a choice in the matter.  If I could take it all back… No, I probably still wouldn’t. Because it brought us to where that long-ago Justin spent one of the most tumultuous years of his young life, trying to get us to.


So Sunshine, I’ll end this by finally answering the questions you spent the better part of our lives asking me. What do I need? YOU, plain and simple. What do I want? YOU, in all your kooky craziness, and manic moments, and PSAs when I don’t want to hear them.

 

I want the MAN, who added meaning to my life at a time when I didn’t even know I was searching. I want the MAN, who kept me on my toes trying to keep up with all of his youthful exuberance. I want the MAN, who was bold enough to ask me to his prom. I want the MAN, who has emerged from the most traumatic experiences of his life to become the person I respect above any and all else. In short, Justin Cole Taylor-KINNEY, I want the man whom I asked to marry me.

 

I fuck him, I fight with him, I make love to him and with him, be it while having sex or just getting his coffee fixed right. I want to celebrate the small things with you, and share the HUGE things with you because you understand me in ways no other could; in ways that I will NEVER allow another to. And it’s all because I LOVE YOU, and ONLY YOU.


Please never forget that again, Sunshine.


Always Your Stud,

Brian


Writing that letter was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. For once, I had to do some heavy lifting to get my relationship back on track with the man who holds my heart. It was always just so much easier to let Justin carry us this way. But I acknowledge that it’s necessary that I do the same, if I’m going to achieve the most important goal in my life. Justin is MY endgame. I’m almost tempted to rip whatever crap Michael has sent here to shreds without even opening it. But I can’t do that simply because Justin has endured too many sneak attacks at his hands, and if I have my way, there won’t be another.


Alex arrives, and after greetings, he asks what happened that we decided to change the venue of our session at the last minute. Without a word, or fanfare, we each hand him the letters that came by way of messengers this morning. Taking a seat in one of the chairs on the deck outside, just after Justin hands him his coffee, Alex asks, “So which one do I open first?”


“Why not open the one Yuri dropped off,” Justin sneers, but I know it’s not directed towards me or Alex. It’s in regard to the situation.


“Why is that one so important, Justin?”


He sighs before he answers. “Because he was expecting payment for services rendered upon receipt from my husband.”


Alex doesn’t have to guess what that statement meant at all. I wonder if I should be worried about that. “Why would he…? You mean…”


“Yeah, it’s from HIM, Alex,” Justin answers exasperated. “I wish Drew had followed through on his initial thought and drowned the fucker.”


“Justin… Sunshine…”


“I know, Brian. In fact, there are only few people in this world who can cause me to wish murder in any form was legal. Michael Novotny is certainly one of them.”


“I know that,” I say, as I grab his hand and force him to sit on the sofa next to me. My touch seems to calm him almost immediately, although I know he still means what he said.


Tearing open the envelope, Alex begins to read the letter aloud:


Dear Brian,

Since everyone is intent on keeping your location a secret from me, I asked Yuri here to deliver this to you. First, I want to tell you that I miss you. You know how much we have always meant to each other. Secondly, I want you to know that I forgive you for not standing up for me in reference to that blond asshole’s bullshit. I suppose I can’t blame you since you’re on an island with a bunch of unknowns where you might not be able to get laid as easily. That’s not to say that you aren’t capable of having any man you want, only that they seem to be stuck on these fucked up rules regarding the hired help and all that shit. It’s why finding the needle-in-a-haystack that is Yuri was good for me. He wants to get off the island and come to work for you in America. I told him that you were looking for a replacement live-in trick and that after you test drove him, you might be willing to keep him. Of course, I only told him that so that he would do this small favor for me. We both know that once Blondie is toast, you and I are going to do what we always planned…”


“What the fuck has he been smoking or snorting?!” Justin asks. 


I roll my eyes heavenward. “Sadly, this is classic Mikey, Sunshine. He only hears and believes what he wants.”


“Well, if I’m allowed to, I’ll happily go disabuse the fucker of his notions by employing Drew’s suggested methods!”


I just shake my head at him. “They don’t allow conjugal visits in prison, Sunshine. Alex, please get to the punchline of that joke you’re holding?”


“Unfortunately, it’s not a joke Brian. It says here that he’s found Ethan on the island…”


“So we know who Sunshine’s letter is from,” I say wryly. “I thought so.”


“But there’s more here. According to Michael’s letter, either Justin leaves you willingly, or he says that he’ll help Ethan sue him and YOU for alienation of affection.”


“That’s a big term; wonder where he learned it from,” Justin says.


“Apparently, he’s been reading on the internet a lot,” Alex informs us, before handing us a thick packet to share. “He’s been doing some research on both of your net worth, and has worked out exactly what Brian should be able to sue you for should he decide to follow Michael’s advice and seek divorce from you.” Alex sighs. “I would say that Michael is unhinged, except he’s showing that he’s been very methodical in all of his machinations to separate the two of you. Which brings me to your assignments last night. Did you do them?”


We both nod. “We finished them before the delivery guys arrived,” I answer for both of us.


“I’m glad that you both waited until this morning to do them.”


“Why?”


“Because you were both running on high emotions by the time we left the restaurant. Writing the letters while that situation was fresh in your minds could have possibly tainted what was really important for you to say to each other. So do you want me to open the other letter?”


“I suppose we should,” Justin sighs. I can tell that he would rather that Ethan be left to deal with his own life, while Justin continues to live his own. 


Without waiting for me to second-guess the decision or voice my thoughts on the matter, Alex tears open the letter and begins to read aloud:


Dear Justin,

It’s been a long time. I miss you. I still love you, you know? I can’t help but wonder if you’ve been keeping up with me and my career as I have been with you. I would like to meet with you and talk things over. Michael says that he thought I should contact you; said that you were still speaking about me to him when you weren’t with Brian. I can’t help but wonder if there’s still a chance for us. I asked my friend Chauncey to deliver this for me. I didn’t just want to turn up at your villa, nor did I want to see Brian… only you. So reach out when you get this. Perhaps you can come and see me at the Lapis Restaurant where I will be playing tonight. The interior of the place always reminds me of your eyes; it’s my favorite restaurant on the entire island for that reason alone. Anyway, I’ll be waiting to hear back from you… or better yet, I’ll be hoping to see you tonight.

Ciao Bello,

Ethan


“Oh I’m going to see him alright!” Justin exclaims. “I’m going to scream a big fat FUCK YOU into his face so he can be sure that it came from me!”


“Justin, for the love of peace, CALM DOWN!” I yell at him.


“How can I? Fuck that! How can you be so fucking CALM?! Once again, Michael is trying to stick his spoke into the wheel of our lives, Brian. I can NOT be calm about that!”


“I get it, okay? And no, I’m not happy about it either, Sunshine, but we have choices here.”


“I vote for drowning both of the fuckers!”


“Choices without incurring jail time, Justin. Jesus!” I sigh before turning to Alex. “You’re awfully silent over there, Doc. Why?”


“For two reasons actually. The first is that it’s good to see you two reacting normally to these particular stressors…”


“You call Justin thinking these homicidal thoughts normal?" I ask in disbelief. I mean, he's not supposed to encourage this type of irrational behavior.


"In this case, believe it or not, Brian, it's healthy for Justin to voice these thoughts within this setting. Would you rather him act upon them without talking about it first? I mean, knowing what you already know about Justin’s tendency to suppress his feelings until they have nowhere else to go, where did doing that leave you all the last time he did?”


And fuck if he’s not right. Now it’s my turn to sigh. “So what do you suggest we do about this?”


“You were right when you said you had options, Brian. In this case, it’s either react, or don’t act at all.”


“But if we don’t do something, they are going to keep trying.”


“That’s true,” Alex says calmly. “But if there is one thing both you and Justin know about Michael and Ethan, it’s that they have trouble following through. My suggestion is that you keep doing what you’ve both been doing. Keep trying to repair the damage to your relationship; the self-destructive damage you’ve both engaged in yourselves, and let them keep spinning their tires for now, Two things are bound to happen here: either they will get tired and give up…”


“Michael never will,” Justin says despairingly. And it’s then that I really understand the toll this all as taken on him down through the years. I hold his hand just that little bit tighter.


“And the other thing?” I ask Alex.


“They will dig themselves into a hole they won’t be able to get out of. Just by talking and listening to Michael, Ethan has already begun to do that to himself. But I don’t want to fire him yet, simply because we have no idea what bullshit Michael fed him. We all know that Michael can be pretty persuasive when he has an ultimate goal in mind.”


“About Michael… do you think we should talk about the missed messages now?” Justin asks.


“Amongst yourselves, sure. But there will be a meeting where you will all get to address Michael about his role at the bottom of all the miscommunication during that week. In the meantime, it behooves us to keep him thinking that he’s gotten away with it.”


“You’re not just talking about the happenings on the island, are you?” I ask, because I can see Alex’s wheels turning.


“No I’m not. All I can say about it at this moment is to reassure you and Justin that Jennifer got the information to Carl. I know that he’s planning on meeting with Diane and Mel regarding it. By the time Michael gets back to Pittsburgh, he’s going to find things have very much changed… and none of it will be good for him.”


“So what should we do?”


“Exchange the letters that you’ve written to each other. Focus on what’s written and spelled out in plain english. Then we’ll start doing what we can to see each of your goals met. So I guess the major question which needs to be answered at the moment is what do you both need to get out of this.”


“Us again,” both Justin and I answer at the same time.


Alex nods. “It’s a good place to start; you both seem to be on the same page at last. So I’m going to suggest that you both read your letters separately, and then discuss them. It’s obvious that there’s a lot to be said, but make sure you ONLY address what’s written on paper for right now. The most important thing is that Justin’s memories are back, so clearing the clutter of the that time should be easiest at this point.”


“Should be, but…” Justin hesitates, and I think Alex catches on to what it is he can’t say at the moment.


“If need be, write another letter that we can go over tomorrow. I’ll be back tomorrow. In the meantime, call me if any more deliveries find their way here. I don’t care what time it is. Okay?”


“Yeah, Alex, we’ll do that,” Justin says as he sees him to the door. When he comes back, he asks, “Do you need some time?”


I shake my head. “Thanks for offering, but no. I want to address these things so we can get to the fun part.”


“Brian, there’s always going to be fun bits between us.”


“Promise?”

 

He looks me in the eyes, and smiles a smile I didn’t think I’d ever see again. It’s the one of an eighteen year old boy, one who I’d made unbelievably happy on a night so long ago. And as I did while we were standing at the jeep after the most amazing dance of our lives, I lean my head towards him, silently seeking his permission. But this time I’m asking for so much more. I want his forgiveness, and his reassurance that this is still what he wants in the only way that matters at this moment. Standing on tiptoe, just as he did then, he presses his lips against mine sealing our fate together once again. And I can’t help but rejoice in that.

 

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