CHAPTER 2: BEFORE I LET GO

ALEX:

Brian and I arrive at the William Penn Hotel at about the same time. He looks just as miserable as he did earlier, only maybe a little worse for the wear. Wordlessly, he and I cross over to the bar. After looking around for the third member of our party, I finally spot him sitting in a darkened corner. He’s staring out of the window, sipping on his drink every now and again. He hasn’t seen us yet even though I can see that he’s aware of the subtle change of his atmosphere. Even from here, I can see his discomfort with this environment and his pain because of the reason he’s here. I look over at Brian and see the same turmoil in his eyes even as his face remains stoic.

He breaks the spell by moving towards Justin first while I follow at a more sedate pace. I can tell when Brian says Justin’s name from the stiffness that enters the younger man’s shoulders, as if he’s girding himself for another battle. I’ve seen that happen many times between them off and on over the years but especially in the early days. Watching their interaction is like seeing the last ten plus years undone- not unraveling but as if their lives were never tied in the first place. Brian bends over to kiss Justin’s cheek, like he would on any other normal day but Justin reflexively pulls away. From this distance, I can’t tell whether it’s reactive of being in this place or if that denial was solely because of Brian. The older man thinks it’s him though, if his deflated shoulders are any indication.

Once I reach the table, Brian orders a double shot of Beam, while I order a beer until I can get a handle on what I’m really dealing with. Justin orders a Maker’s which tells me what type of mood Justin is in. Brian’s eyes widen at the choice as well. I remember the first time I saw him drink that in public. Justin had come into the bar wearing a navy blue peacoat, his eyes glassy. I knew there was something wrong but couldn’t figure out what at the time. He made himself comfortable- or as comfortable as one could get- on a barstool in Woody’s and ordered that. At first, I was laughing a bit, thinking what an old drink for such a young man; Justin was more of a tequila or vodka kind of guy unless he and Brian were together. Then it was mostly double shots of Jim Beam. But the cask strength of Maker’s Mark was Justin’s chosen drink that night.

Before I could go to him to find out what was going on, Brian surfaced next to him. “Where’s your boyfriend?” He asked Justin whose response was “He’s playing somewhere.” Brian, always the sardonic jackass at the worse of times, made reference to the ring which adorned Justin’s finger and moved off. What Brian didn’t see were the tears that had slipped down Justin’s face after he left. But I did. It was then that Justin had confided in me that he’d gone to Harrisburg to surprise Ethan Gold- his boyfriend at the time- and ended up being the one surprised. Ethan had cheated on Justin, which was something that Brian had never done to him.

That was one of the many things people never understood about Brian and Justin’s relationship. I always found it funny that just because people become involved romantically, monogamy is automatically implied. Then when their partner falls off the wagon- so to speak- there are hard feelings and ill will between them. I always encourage my clients who are in my office because of infidelity that if they are going to give their relationship another try, to discuss their dealbreakers. Oft times, it’s a simple matter of expecting too much of the other person based on their own personal views and standards while never bothering to find out if the other person is even capable of meeting their expectations. That all important question of open-relationships versus monogamous ones could be answered after a simple conversation. Not everyone is capable of being monogamous, while not everyone will cheat either. After all, it’s not cheating if the partner knows about it.

But back to my clients, the Taylor-Kinneys… Much like Justin, I found it annoying in the extreme that their collective friends tended to examine Brian and Justin’s relationship as if under a microscope, while ignoring their own imperfect alliances. The female faction of the Liberty Avenue sect had more than their share of breakups at one time or another. First Mel physically cheated, but in all honesty, Lindsay cheated on Melanie emotionally for many years, in reference to Brian. Then to make matters worse, instead of owning up to her own affair with some artist of ill-repute, Lindsay threw the long-ago affair in Melanie’s face. But these paragons of partnership always had something negative to say about Brian and Justin’s choice not to confuse or equate sex with love. If anyone asked me, I would say the Taylor-Kinneys were the most solid of all the couples. They did what worked best for them at the time, especially considering their twelve year age difference. I’m sure that if anyone was to ask Justin if he felt like he’d missed out on life, he would answer ‘no.’ Brian gave Justin the opportunity to sample all kinds of men.

After the drinks arrive, I ask them, “Do you know why I chose this location?”

“No, but I’m sure you will tell us,” Justin says, and I’m reminded of how much they are really are alike.

“Funny. Brian said the same thing to me not two hours ago. The reason I did is because this is where your story together truly began.”

“Great. A story of near-death experiences, closet cases, and psychotics. The legend dreams are made of, and a wonderful journey that can certainly end now.” The sarcasm in Justin’s voice is not missed by Brian nor myself.

“But you remembered everything that happened before that, didn’t you?” He had, right after his sojourn to New York. I will never forget the panicked phone call I received in the middle of the night so long ago. The joy, the sadness, the need to be held by the one person he’d experienced it all with. “I wanted you both to remember the feeling of being here- together- before it all turned tragic.”

“Why?” Brian asks me.

I could tell he was lost in his own memories prior to his arrival here for Justin’s prom. He and I touched on his experiment with erotic asphyxiation and why he was so fascinated by the prospect then. I wonder if he ever told Justin about it, instead of it being a secretive shared memory with Michael Novotny. I wonder how many episodes like that are in Brian’s life… the ones that no one knows of except the best friend. I suspect that’s part of the reason Justin is so closed off again. Brian may love Justin, but whenever something big happens- something ground-breaking and possibly earth-shattering- he turns to Michael, who then uses it as a bat to bash Justin with. Why can’t Brian see that?

“Because if you have any hope of surviving this period in your relationship, it’s important to remember your first public declaration to be more than fuckbuddies. This is the place you need to get back to.” Finally they are both looking at me with a small glimmer of hope, and not a little bit of disbelief in their eyes.

“Fine. So what’s your plan on achieving this great feat?” Brian drawls, just before taking a sip of his drink. Justin remains still and quiet, listening attentively.

I take a deep breath, hoping that the treatment plan I’ve come up with doesn’t backfire on me. “I’ll tell you a little bit about what I’ve come up with, but I want your promise to keep open minds about this. Whereas some elements of your treatments will be the same as the others, I’m going to give you two an out. I ask that you not discuss this with any of your friends, even if they break protocol and tell you what they are doing in therapy or try to goad you into divulging things that are meant to be between the two of you alone. Do we have a deal?”

“It’s not a problem for me, but Brian…”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean Justin?”

“I think we all know what it means. But if you need clarification, here it is… your best fucking friend is in every piece of our business. Since I’m NOT the one who put him there, that leaves YOU!”

“Justin…” Brian begins, standing up. He’s immediately cut off by an infuriated Justin.

“No. NO Brian! You wanted to know what I meant and I’ve told you. There isn’t any room for a third person in this marriage; I didn’t sign up for polygamy. So if you can’t make the choice to be with me in a MARRIAGE, in a fucking relationship that doesn’t involve Michael, than there really isn’t anything left to talk about, is there?”

Fuck I have to stop this… again. What is it with these two? “Brian, don’t. Just sit down. Please?”

“He doesn’t get to dictate to me,” Brian says, as he retakes his seat.

“Doesn’t get to… as I’ve said earlier Alex, this is a complete waste of time. Brian gets to make the rules. Brian gets to make the decisions and tells me what he’s decided later. Brian is capable of understanding my feelings in everything except Michael, which I have to put up with or hit the bricks. Well you know what? No amount of putting up with Michael is worth me staying with Brian. Brian can go on and live in the box Michael has prepared for him, I refuse to. This is over!” Justin gets up, but is stopped by the large hand on his wrist that reached out.

“It’s not all about me and you know it!”

“You could have fucking fooled me! But you’re right. It’s not. It’s about the fact that I’m in a marriage with MYSELF while you’re in one with your best friend. I’m the fucking placeholder, and I’m tired of it. I refuse to live like Ben has for all these years. I value myself more than to continue to wait for you to finally choose me. So no Brian, you don’t need to make any choices, since I’ve already made one. Now it’s your turn to live with it.”

“Brian, Justin, can you both calm down? This isn’t what I had in mind, and I’m sure it’s not what you both want either,” I try to reason with them. I know both of them are hurting and they’re hellbent on hurting each other to make a point. Perhaps that’s why my idea will work with them.

“Fine Alex, speak your piece and then I’m out of here.” Justin sits back down, huffing and rolling his eyes.

It’s often easy to forget that underneath that pleasant, forever young-looking facade is a man with an iron will and steel-clad spine. He would needed to have both in order to deal with and keep enthralled the likes of Brian Kinney. But it apparently works both ways, for no matter how angry Justin is with Brian, the one thing I do know is that he loves him more than his next breath. It’s not about security or financial stability; it’s not about the familiar or an affinity just for the sake of having someone. No, this connection they share runs much deeper. It’s survived the bashing and bullying; charges of child molestation and cancer; the city of Angels and the Big Apple, emotional scars and physical healing wounds. There’s no doubt in my mind they could do it again, if they would only remember what the night of the prom really meant to them. Sure it was a symbol of the rite of passage most teenagers share, but for Brian and Justin it symbolized a beginning and an end of a different kind. Brian was ready for the promise Justin offered with his eyes from the moment they met. And Justin was ready to fulfill it.

“How are both of your schedules looking in terms of traveling for the next few months?”

“I’m scheduled to be in London but I can just as easily arrange a video conference. Why?” Justin asks.

“Cynthia and Ted are able to run Kinnetik as long as I’m available for meetings. But I don’t like to leave my business alone for too long,” Brian answers.

“What I have in mind will assure that you both can travel back and forth at will, although you will do so together. But I want to send you to a resort I know, one that caters to couples. If I can get the others to agree, I think it will do us all some good to be away from the Pitts while you work out your issues. There are too many distractions here.”

“Well if Michael is going, add one more to the reason that this has now become a waste of time and money.” Justin sneered.

I sigh. “Justin, will you trust me? I know that’s asking a lot right now, but have I ever steered you wrong? Have I ever deliberately misled you into believing something about yourself and the various situations we’ve spoken about that were not true or in your best interests?”

“No you haven’t. But Alex surely you see why…”

“I know why you have your doubts that this will work. But trust me when I tell you, I have a plan to make this work out.” They both scrutinize me, searching for something, although I’m not sure what. But whatever it was, I’m gratified when they both nod. “I need to ask this and I want an honest answer from you both. Do you want to fix what’s broken between you?”

“Yes.” Brian answers without hesitation. He looks over to Justin, and what we both see makes my heart break a little more for them.

“I want to say yes but…”

“But?”

“Let him finish Brian. Please?” I gently admonish the man sitting beside his husband, waiting on tenterhooks. I know the feeling of anxiousness that he feels, but he has to give Justin this chance to work what he wants out on his own. “Justin, do you want to fix this?”

“All I can do is promise that I will try Alex. Is that okay?”

I nod. And although Brian is disheartened, he does as well. Brian clears his throat, speaking directly to Justin. “That’s all I can ask of you Sunshine. I do love you, you have to know that. You do, don’t you?”

“Yes Brian, I know that. But the question is, is it enough this time? I honestly don’t know that it is.”

Before either of them can say any more, I interrupt. “That is the big question that only you two can answer. I’m not going to lie; it will be hard work, even though you will both be in a beautiful setting. My partner and I helped to design the place, so it’s somewhere that we stay frequently. Although your friends will be there, there is little to no possibility that you will see them. This time is for you, to evaluate your lives separately and together. I want you both to email me a list of business contacts.”

“Why?” Brian asks, warily.

“Because I promised you every advantage to setting this relationship to rights. Part of that promise is that I will take charge of your cell phones when we reach the island. Don’t worry. I will provide you with  another cell phone but except for business and contacting me, you will both be out of reach. As for you Brian, I already know to input Ted’s number into the phone since he is your CFO. Justin, don’t be alarmed by that bit of news. There isn’t any possible way that Michael will be able to get Brian’s temporary phone number while you are away. Also since I will have your cell phones, there is also no chance he will be able to video conference one of you either. You’re unaware of this Brian, but after you left this afternoon, Blake pointed out that you are like a drug to Michael.”

“WOW! Someone finally called that right!” Justin exclaimed. “I’ve only been saying that since the second year I’ve known you. I guess I can’t be the only one wrong this time.”

“Justin…” I sigh again. “You promised to try.”

“Sorry. It’s just…”

“I know. You feel vindicated but there is a saying ‘Be gracious in defeat, humble in your victory.’ I think I’ll add to it by saying, ‘and in all things be fair’. I think that applies here.” I smile to soften the rebuke.

“Great now I’m being scolded by a modern day Christopher Earle.” Justin rolls his eyes. “Fine, I’ll behave and refrain from speaking my thoughts aloud on the subject… for now.”

Brian snickers and I laugh outright. Justin really is incorrigible, but I suspect that’s what also makes him so well loved and admired. “You’ll have your chance to voice your thoughts in therapy when the time is right. But for now, we’ll make our plans. Whether the other counselors agree to have their couples go or not, you two will be going. I really think a change of scenery will do you both some good. So, that said, go home, take care of your business needs, and I will touch base with each of you tomorrow to give you your itineraries. And remember, this stays between the three of us.”

I watched them leave, each going their separate ways. I really hope this works. If nothing else, it will give them both a much needed vacation. Brian and Justin have always worked hard; they are overachievers by nature. But during the past few years, I’ve watched them work without taking time to enjoy themselves and each other. It still amazes me that they’ve been able to keep their marriage a secret this long from the nosiest bunch of people I have ever met. That is surely one of the things that must come out if they are going to succeed. If not, Michael will surely continue to try to break them up.

I listened, really listened to what Justin said, and I heard a few things. The first, is that Michael is involved and fixated entirely too much in their lives. The fact that he has his own relationship seems not to register at all. On the surface, it would seem that it’s simply because he wants Brian. Everyone knows the story of unrequited love where Michael Novotny is concerned. However, not everyone really knows the story of Brian and Justin. Of course, there are those of us who know a bit more than others, but there are still the ones who actually listen to Michael, which are more concerning. So, although the implication of Michael’s covert but still more than obvious hope that Brian will finally give him the intimate relationship he’s always craved is still alive, I think his hidden agenda runs so much more deeply than just that piece of insignificant news.

As I sit here, trying to figure out how to proceed, with or without my colleagues, I think about each of the other core men in question. It occurs to me that looking at this situation objectively will prove most useful in uncovering the key to how best to proceed with my clients. But when having to think about the Brian and Mikey Show, which has been a recurring nightmare for Justin and the other partners, I find it a bit difficult. But I have to try, because if I can’t then there is no way for me to get the two men, who have put their trust and faith in me, through this. There is always the possibility of failure, but maybe taking a look at the situation as a whole and then each of the men individually, will help.

Out of everyone, Brian was the first to be involved in an actual relationship, but Michael was the first one to get married. At least to everyone else's knowledge. But as a result, Michael became sanctimonious- a trait Ben displays unintentionally sometimes- and began to make pronouncements on what his friends should or should not do. For the longest time, the mere mention of Brian being in a relationship with Justin would send the man into a tailpin. While Michael laughed and joked, Justin looked on with indifference, to hide the hurt. It was what had led to the fiddler episodes of their lives and it seemed that Brian was willfully sabotaging them, making them doomed to repeat history again. We all knew that it wasn’t the tricking that bothered Justin, but the reason behind it. So when Brian suddenly stopped running from the idea of commitment and turned to Justin instead, everyone took notice. Sure Brian and Justin still tricked whenever the mood hit them, but they did it together, and no one noticed that more than Michael Novotny-Bruckner.

From that long-ago day to this one, every time it seems as if Brian or any of the others wants to take the permanent commitment step, Michael becomes even more clingy and territorial of his friends and outright malicious where his friends chosen partners are concerned. His disregard for Ben has become legendary on Liberty Avenue, causing confusion as to why an intelligent hunk is such a sucker for a pouting pansy with a mile-wide mean streak. Is it that he is willfully blind to his husband’s faults all in the name of love? Or is he a masochist who enjoys being tortured and humiliated by a man with the IQ of a pebble (their words not mine, although I tend to agree with the sentiment)? What makes Michael so special that people overlook his faults and why is he allowed to think more highly of himself than he should simply because he married Ben Bruckner? Personally, I think he uses his marriage, which is only legal in Canada, as a way to lord it over the others. He uses it to make himself feel that he is better than they are, because if the truth be told, Michael is really nothing more than a glorified househusband.

Ben is the primary breadwinner in the Novotny-Bruckner household. It’s his income which keeps Red Cape Comics operable. Any profit Michael may get into the store is used to buy more merchandise. Or more accurately, it’s used to add to his toy collection, which he would never sell for profit. The business is more like a constant indulgence in a hobby rather than the lucrative cash cow it could be. If Michael had taken the initiative, past Brian’s initial investment, to branch out into other media forms or taken the business and financial advice of his three friends, perhaps he could have really made something worthwhile of his store. But then that would be too much like being a self-sufficient adult, and from what I’ve heard, seen, and known of Michael Novotny, that is certainly not big on his agenda.  He would rather be taken care of rather than work hard and be satisfied with the results.

Michael is more than cash-poor; he’s a fucking money pit. I suspect that’s also one of the problems in the Novotny-Bruckner marriage. Yet if one would adhere to the old adage of ‘Birds of a feather, flock together,’ one would be led to believe that the people Michael surrounds himself with people who are also entitled and lazy. I’ve honestly never seen those particular faults with any of the other men- friend or partner- of this strange little group. It makes me question what kind of  hold the short brunet has on these men and if it is indeed breakable. Hell, it makes me wonder if Brian, Emmett, and Ted even want it broken at all. What binds them all together?

Emmett has always had charm, but he likes to hide his intelligence. Duke, who will be working with him and Drew, has also discerned this same thing. I think we all have, at least to some degree. I remember when I first met him. Talk about a flamboyant man whose flame had been extinguished… or more accurately, a flame he was afraid to let burn bright. It took him meeting one of my first patients after I graduated Med School, a man by the name Gerald Goldman, who was also the famous drag queen Godiva, for him to understand that he was special just as he is. From that moment to this one, I’ve watched Emmett burn bright and live with passion. A few times, he’d tried to disguise it…  Yes, I’ll never forget that dark ‘See the Light’ era of Em’s existence. If ever there was a time I wanted to inflict a ‘Deb’ on Em, it was then. He needed to be slapped full of sense! Thankfully though, he’d worked out his issues, whatever they were, and returned to the devil-may-care-but-I-don’t Emmett Honeycutt that we all knew and still love on the Avenue.

He began to realize what he was really great at, and discovered that cooking and clothing were his passions. Once Brian helped Em, by sowing financially into his dream of becoming a premiere party planner and occasional personal stylist to some wealthy notables, including Brian himself, Emmett worked his ass off to pay back the loan from Brian and make HoneyGrass Elegant Catering and Couture Creations into a much sought after business for all types of parties and high-profile weddings. I can’t help but compare it to Michael’s non-success with his comic store, since Brian had done the same thing for him.  In fact, Brian started the trend with Michael first, so the disparity in work ethic is more noticeable. It’s quite clear that Michael took advantage of his long-standing friendship with Brian whereas Emmett chose to honor it by proving that Brian’s faith in him wasn’t misplaced.

Ted Schmidt has always had a career as an accountant. I’ve watched him flourish under Brian Kinney’s tutelage. For many years, he lived under some misconception that he wasn’t good enough or that he was unlovable. Unfortunately that led to a foray into recreational drugs for a time. But once he sought help and got clean, he became a confident man while still maintaining the charm and humility he’s always had underneath that shyness. He now wears his success as if he was born to do so, instead of ashamed to have worked so hard for it. Michael could take several lessons from him, which has me once again questioning why they keep Michael around.

So where Ted and Emmett are successful in their own rights, Brian and Justin are self-made millionaires, but with their combined assets, they are billionaires. They are a unit and cannot be talked about in terms of individuality, although both of them are their own man. They are now in fact, a corporation, and have to be addressed as such. Between the two locations of Kinnetik, Justin’s art career which now commands five figures per painting and six figures for special commissions, investing in Real Estate under Jennifer Taylor’s tutelage, and resulting ownership of several high-end properties and Justin’s computer graphics and design business apart from Kinnetik, these two men want for nothing. Also, the consulting division of JTK Graphics and Design is called upon frequently by people in Hollywood who remember the talented artist’s work from the failed Rage movie.  

After Justin decided that working on the Rage comic was no longer in his best interest since he was dividing his time between the United States and Europe, he found a replacement for himself so that Michael could keep the comic going even without Justin drawing. Although Justin hired the man, he still kept creative control and the artist was paid a hefty sum in advance directly from Justin. So when a storyline killing JT and Ken off was written and drawn, Justin vetoed the idea of it going to publication. Michael was insistent and tried to involve Brian in negotiation. Since he owned two percent of the comic, Brian was only to be used in the event of a stalemate between Michael and Justin. Brian sided with Justin, stating that no one would buy the comic with two of the main characters killed off so that Zephyr and Rage could be together, especially since the beginning of the work established the relationship of Rage and JT, two fan favorites, with Zephyr and Ken running a close second.

So the public reason was that it was just bad business and intentional sabotage of Michael’s wish for a successful comic featuring openly gay characters. The private truth was it was too close to art imitating a real life wish Michael had stated on more than one occasion, especially in those times when Justin wouldn’t just blindly go along to appease Michael. Justin wouldn’t compromise his integrity or put his name on something he didn’t agree with just to avoid the infamous Novotny temper tantrum. So Michael often wished aloud that Justin had disappeared permanently from their lives, be it because of a situation like the fiddler, or through death. Although Brian had forgiven Michael on the occasions he had voiced such an opinion, it was never forgotten. Seeing it in print reinforced Brian’s belief that Michael had indeed meant the hate-spewed comments, even if he never told Justin why he’d punched Michael at a party several years before. Since an agreement could not be reached and Michael refused to redo the storyline, Rage has been on a permanent hiatus with no hope of ever restarting.

Michael, of course, accused Brian of thinking with his dickhead, instead of the one which runs many successful businesses alongside his husband. I find that funny, since Brian and Justin- individually and collectively- manage to make more money per year than Michael has in all the years Red Cape Comics has been in business. So the fact that Brian and Justin have entered a Legal Domestic Partnership is going to send him around the bend for more reasons than the obvious evidence that a dream deferred is now a dream DEAD. It’s going to be because Brian has officially taken the huge step with Justin without his knowledge or permission.   

I sigh again. It seems I’m doing more of that today than I have in my entire life. I reach for my cell phone, putting Barry, Duke, and Bernard on conference call. Part of me really hopes that they say ‘no’ to taking their couples to the resort. Contrary to my reassuring words to Justin, I too have my doubts that Michael will keep his distance. But this is about having a fair playing field. So regardless of my own misgivings in the matter, I have to at least offer the same chances for success to my colleagues, since I am the lead therapist in all this, per Melanie’s wishes. I still wonder what her agenda is in all of this, but I guess, like the rest, I’ll have to wait and see. I was just advised to “Fix them Wilder, at all costs” but given none of the other pertinent details of why this was so important to her.

An hour later, my phone conference is out of the way, with Duke saying he needed to call Melanie directly. Apparently, Blake is having some sort of family crisis and instead of taking Ted, he took Drew with him. Bernard is going to join him on the call. In the meantime, I’m going to have another drink and think about how important a baby- or lack thereof- is important to my own marriage. How can Barry and I help our clients if our own lives and relationship is in turmoil? Maybe the island will somehow work its magic with us too. It has before so there’s always hope. Looks like Brian and Justin aren’t the only ones with big decisions to make.