THE WIFE OR THE MISTRESS: BOOK II: CHAPTER 8: BROKEN CHANDELIERS
Chandelier by Sia
Party girls don't get hurt/ Can't feel anything, when will I learn/ I push it down, push it down
I'm the one "for a good time call"/ Phone's blowin' up, they're ringing my doorbell
I feel the love, feel the love
One, two, three, one, two, three, Drink/ One, two, three, one, two, three, Drink/ One, two, three, one, two, three, Drink
Throw'em back, till I lose count
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier. I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist/ Like it doesn't exist/ I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry/ I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
And I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down, won't open my eyes/ Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight/ Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down, won't open my eyes/ Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight/ On for tonight
Sun is up, I'm a mess/ Gotta get up now, gotta run from this/ Here comes the shame, here comes the shame
One, two, three, one, two, three, Drink/ One, two, three, one, two, three, Drink/ One, two, three, one, two, three, Drink
Throw'em back till I lose count
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier/ I'm gonna live, like tomorrow doesn't exist/ Like it doesn't exist/ I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry/ I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
And I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down, won't open my eyes/ Keep my glass full until morning light 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight
Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down, won't open my eyes/ Keep my glass full until morning light 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight/ On for tonight
On for tonight
Songwriters: Jesse Shatkin/ Sia Furler
Lyrics copyrighted c/o Sony ATV Publishing
BERNARD:
It’s time to take just a bit more power back for Ted and Blake. I can’t even delude myself that after yesterday’s revelations this will be easy. Too much between them has been allowed to remain in the dark for far too long. Which means that I’m going to have to push them to talk; push them to be completely honest, and I hate having to do that to them since I remember how I felt when my own counselor/sponsor did it to me. I actually wanted to hit her, to make her bleed physically as she was making me slice myself open and pour all of my hurt, and anger… my disappointment in myself and those around me out for her to see and comment on. I wanted nothing more than to pop pill after pill, snort some coke and drink as fast as I could handle, then drink some damn more!
But after it was over, I also remember feeling as if those secret things- the many things that I would have rather run and hide from than to voice aloud- had finally lost their power over me. I was exhausted mentally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally, but I was finally free of it all. They were no longer the ghosts in my head, which tormented me so much that I was taking uppers to stay awake, and then downers to fall into a dreamless sleep. There weren’t any more shadows that followed me around, casting their pall over any sliver of happiness I dared to feel just for a moment. They were finally put into the graveyard of a life that no longer suited me to exist in.
And from that day to this one, I make a conscious choice not revisit that part of myself. The reason I don’t say effort is because it’s a term that implies the possibility of failure, and when dealing with addiction it gives you permission to half-ass your way while working the steps. Does that mean I don’t allow myself to have human moments where I want to indulge in what was once considered my favorite pastime? No. But it’s why sobriety is a choice that has to be consistently made over every minute of every day. Life, in and of itself, has too many variables that cannot be controlled, so you have to make the conscious decision to control the only thing you can, which is yourself.
Do I know that the graveyard is still there? Absolutely, since it has a tendency to beckon me for a visit like an old friend that I haven’t seen in a while. But I no longer feel the compulsion to punish myself for bad decisions- neither those I’ve made, nor those which have been made for me. And it’s that kind of freedom I want for Blake and Ted. Instead of the bones of their own personal graveyards being laid to rest once and for all, those specters of self-hatred are being allowed to turn these men into emotional zombies, simply because they won’t shine the light in the corners of consciousness where their less desirable pasts lay in wait to devour their minds yet again.
That’s what led them to their addictions. And if they don’t expose themselves as they are right at this moment, the next time their addictions rear their heads, they will be slaughtered by them. I watch as they come in, looking exhausted even though they retired early last night. Although they are holding hands, there’s a distance between them that is at once expected, and not so much. It’s almost as if they are guarding each other.
So strong, yet still so fragile, is what pops into my mind. They are like broken chandeliers; hanging beautifully high in the air- the ultimate show piece- but only functioning at minimal capability.
“Good morning, Gentlemen,” I begin, and they respond in kind as always. “If you want coffee, or anything else, it’s over by the window. If at any time during our session you feel that you need a little distance to collect your thoughts, feel free to take advantage of it. This is a judgment-free zone, but I’m going to ask that you be completely open and honest with yourselves and with each other.”
“What makes you think we won’t be?” Blake asks with the smallest hint of anger still in his voice. “After last night, I doubt there is anything Ted and I can keep secret anymore.”
I shake my head at his reasoning. “You’d be surprised at what you’re willing to do to protect yourself, Blake. And ironically, that also extends to Ted since he’s a major part of who you are, and who you are becoming. There are parts of your life that you never wanted to touch his…”
“Of course there are, but with the bullshit Tino is pulling with the help of Michael, that’s no longer an option.”
“You’re right, it isn’t… well, unless you continue to try to compartmentalize Ted into the box labeled untouchable within your mind. Yes, Michael’s machinations have basically stripped the option to keep Ted in the dark away from you, but you still have a choice here.”
“What choice?” Ted cut in, before Blake could explode at me.
“It’s the same one you have, Ted, where Darius is concerned. You’re either going to lay it all out, or keep everything else under wraps.”
“I thought we did that last night.”
“No, not really. True, there were some things exposed, but you and I both know there’s more.” I held his gaze, not giving him a chance to disregard my meaning. “You have to tell him, Ted. You have to tell him what led up to that event, of all you went through during it, and the aftereffects.”
“I was high out of my mind, Bernard!” He offers as an excuse, but I won’t let that fact hinder him.
I narrow my eyes at him, knowing that what I’m about to say will at once anger him, and discomfort him to the degree of which Ted Schmidt very rarely allows himself. “You remember, Ted. Despite what your lips are saying, you remember it all. You dream about it; you ignore it; you throw yourself so deep into work so that you don’t have to think about it, but YOU REMEMBER IT ALL, despite your efforts to believe it was just a figment of your imagination! So tell Blake the truth of it. STOP treating him as if he’s some fragile fucking flower, who can’t handle a strong wind. Treat him as your partner…”
“I already do!”
“You do, but not about this. No! You treat him as if you are scared that his love is contingent upon the mask of cool and calm you wear for everyone else; as if he can’t handle the bad and ugly of what happened to you, and that if he knows, he’ll leave. So give him the truth and see what he does with it. It can’t be the watered-down version of events that I know you must have spoken about during group sessions within the rehab. Neither of you can afford to censure yourselves any longer, otherwise people like Michael, Tino and Darius really will win.”
I watch as the tears of anger and resignation fall from his eyes, and I want nothing more than to retract my harsh realism in this moment. But I can’t do that. I can’t do it for both their sakes, but especially Ted’s at this moment. He can’t keep acting as if this story happened to someone else. It’s a part of him, and will always be a part of him.
He has to own it!
Blake looks as if he wants to crucify me right now, but I can also see that he understands why I’ve had to be so hard on his partner. As a counselor himself, he knows exactly what I’m doing and why, even though I know he doesn’t like it. It’s one thing for someone to hurt him, but NOT his Teddy. Which is what I meant by them guarding each other to the point of being self-sacrificing. There’s no question that there isn’t anything they wouldn’t do for the other, but now they are realizing that anything also must include not allowing either of them to hide and continue to suffer in silence based on the fears of abandonment and rejection.
Blake ushers an emotionally-broken Ted over to the sofa, still holding his hand. “Teddy, as much as I hate to admit it, Bernard’s right. There are parts of my life I never wanted to let touch you. Not because I don’t trust you with all that I have and all that I am, but because I never wanted those things to change your view of me.”
“Nothing could,” Ted chokes out. “Don’t you know that by now?”
“I’d hoped, and prayed, and cried that it wouldn’t but… Well the fear and insecurity will always be weighed against bravery and found lacking, won’t it?”
“And are you feeling brave now?”
“Not particularly,” Blake says, with a small smile. “But I am determined to get all of this out, and you know how bull-headed I can be when I need to be.”
Ted snickered through the tears continuing to fall. “You’re probably the most quietly-stubborn man I’ve ever met in my life, only surpassed by Justin Taylor-Kinney. I don’t know how Brian and I have survived all these years.”
Blake smiles full on then, bumping shoulders with Ted. “Flattery will get you everywhere.”
“Flattery?” I ask.
Blake looks back at me, grinning. “Yeah. Flattery is being lumped with Justin in the stubborn department. He may be younger than all of us, but he has the determination of a ninety-year-old senior citizen. Like them, he just isn’t going to do what he doesn’t want to do. You might think you’re wearing him down, or getting him to compromise. But ultimately, he weighs all the pros and cons before agreeing to anything.” He sobers for a moment, before adding quietly, “At least most of the time.”
I nod my head in understanding of what he implied. The whole point of Sap and Michael’s assholery was to take that young man’s control and autonomy away so that they force Brian and Justin’s hands into doing what they wanted. Michael, especially, knew what would happen if Justin was ultimately and irrevocably hurt because of his and Brian’s relationship. There was no way either of them would have been able to recover from that. In fact, both men would no longer have cared what happened to themselves, thereby allowing Michael to have the upper hand in reference to Brian.
I shook my head to clear it of the difficult thoughts, before clearing my throat. “Are you two ready to get everything out in the open now?”
Blake looked over to Ted, looking deeply into his eyes. I can see the exact moment when Ted resigns himself to what he knows he has to do, before giving the most imperceptible of nods. When Blake turned back to me, sadness and determination were warring within his eyes. But they didn’t waiver. “Yeah. It’s time.”