THE WIFE OR THE MISTRESS: BOOK II: CHAPTER 10: BROKEN CHANDELIERS Part 3

BLAKE

I’ve always known that Teddy had some pain, but never really understood why. To me, he’s always been the greatest thing since grilled cheese sandwiches were invented. And anyone who knows me, KNOWS that I love a gourmet grilled cheese sandwich! There’s just something about having all that gruyere, monterey, sharp white and brie melted to perfection between two thick slices of Brioche which is both comforting and exciting all at the same time. In a lot of ways the construction of that classic sandwich represents my relationship with my Teddy. 

I know to most that would sound strange. I mean who in their right mind would compare a romance to something as trivial as comfort food, right? But if one looks at our early history, it’s not hard to see. As high as I was the first time Ted and I met, I knew that I could trust him. It wasn’t his innocent looks that made me instinctively know that I could- seriously look at Ted Bundy, for that particular reasoning- but it was in my Teddy’s eyes. There’s a reason it’s said that the eyes are the windows to the soul, and Ted Schmidt’s soul is a very special place to inhabit.

It’s that part of him that wants to believe that there is good in everyone, until he’s irrefutably proven otherwise. It’s the part of him which wouldn’t let me go, even after all I’ve done. It’s the part of him which eventually understood just why I had to leave Pittsburgh for a time in order to get clean, and become the person he’s still continuing to learn. It’s the part of him that always keeps me calm and focused, especially when I have patients who have relapsed and there isn’t anything I can do except let them hit rock bottom all over again. It’s that part of Teddy that protects me- protects US- with such confidence in knowing that we are the endgame, even when I feel sometimes unsure.

So it’s difficult for me to really grasp that he didn’t feel deserving of love, or that he thinks he’s boring. I’ve never found him to be so. Teddy is and always will be my greatest adventure; I think it’s time I tell him that. But first, we have to get through all the things we never wanted the other to know about. And ugh, could this task alone be any more difficult for either of us?

“Teddy,” I begin, as I snuggle even deeper into his lap before lifting my head to look into the most soulful brown eyes I’ve ever seen. “I know that you trust me to listen, but for some reason you don’t trust me to not to leave. And I can’t tell you how sorry I am to ever have caused you to doubt that I’m really here; that I’m staying here. I want you to know that even if Tino had succeeded in what he wanted from me for a time, I still would have come back to you. You have always represented safety to me. I think maybe that’s why I was afraid to tell you what’s been going on with me.”

“Why?” he asks, pulling me a little closer to him.

“I didn’t want any of my previous shit flowing all over the one good and pure thing- the best person I’ve ever known- in my life.”

“You make me sound like some kind of perfect saint, Blake.” He shook his head. “I’m not, Sweetheart.”

“I know, Teddy. Neither of us are, and that’s okay. It took me a long time to understand that there was no way to reach the idea of perfection. At base, that’s what led to my addiction.”

“So basically, while I ended up trying Crystal to get out of my staid image, you were looking for salvation while taking it?” Ted asks me.

I smile at him. “Yeah, that’s it in a nutshell. It cut off the voices of how stupid I was; how I wasn’t good for anything except watching my brothers and sisters while my parents did whatever they wanted. Then when I came out as gay, it was a way for me to forget that I was a disappointment to my parents, and my grandfather… or so I thought. I found out later that by the time Gramps found out what my parents said and did, I was already gone. He’d stopped speaking to the bigots who raised me for a time, and hired a PI to find me. But by that time, I had begun my journey into addiction and was sinking faster by the moment. Their hateful voices were all I could hear when I was sober, so after a while, it was just easier to get high and stay that way. It was while I was strung out that I discovered just how resourceful I could be.”

“You mean by making deliveries in exchange for products?”

“Yeah, and that often extended to a place to sleep, or food in between hits… and… customers when my body needed to act as currency. My own little hustle, so to speak, even if I did work for my supplier.”

“You liked it?”

I stop to think about it for a moment, before answering honestly. “Sometimes. Not necessarily the act of getting high itself, but living within that mental bubble where I was invincible for a time. You know what I mean?”

Ted nods at me, and I can see the honesty shining back at me. “But the price we paid…”

“Yeah. At times, it was much too high. To trade self-worth for a momentary fix… well, I don’t know about you, but it never occurred to me during those moments that maybe I should address the broken faith I had within myself.”

Ted licked his lips, and I already know what he’s about to ask me. I don’t want to talk about it, but I know it will help Ted talk about his own trauma if I do. “When was your true rock bottom, Blake?”

I swallow hard, knowing I have to answer. “The night I almost pulled the trigger to kill Sean at Tino’s behest, and solely for his entertainment.”

“You’re kidding me!”

I shake my head. “No, not at all. After you and Emmett dropped me off at the rehab, I kept sitting there, wondering why I was really doing it. Was it for you, or was I really tired of the rigors of addiction? So I got up from the bed and gathered the few things I’d begun to put away, before leaving. I figured that you and Emmett were probably going to go see Michael off, so I made my way to Woody’s. Tino wasn’t hard to find. After a brief conversation, he advised that he had a party going on that night, and I was to supply the favors in exchange for trying some new shit he had in stock. But more importantly, I was going to get some real cash, so that if after all was said and done, if I was really ready to get clean, I would have enough money to disappear. I don’t need to tell you what I did, since we both know I’d left Pittsburgh for a time after that night. The client that night was very well-off and had no problem paying me extra so that I would still have enough, even after Tino’s cut. 

“Sean was pissed that the guy chose me out of all the other rentboys for the evening. He complained loud and long about it, so much so that Tino decided to play a round of Russian Roulette. When I protested it, Tino held his own gun to my head, and while handing me the gun he intended to use on Sean, kept asking his patrons if they wanted to place bets on whether or not the bullet was in the chamber or not. The only person who spoke against the game- as Tino called it- was the same man who I had just been with. I got out of there as fast as my legs could carry me after that, knowing then that I was damn tired of living that kind of life. But I also knew that no matter how much I wanted to run back to you, I couldn’t, Teddy. I couldn’t take the chance that Tino would hurt you in order to drag me back. So I did what I could, and disappeared to Utah for a while. Any of the bigger cities would have been too much of a temptation for me, so I opted to go someplace as far removed from what was expected as possible. And it was the correct move, because Tino has contacts in all of the major cities.”

“Whatever happened to the client?” Ted asks.

“I don’t know really. I never saw him again after that night. All I really remember of him is that he was probably around my age, or a little older at the time. I don’t really remember much else beyond that… well, that and he had kind eyes. Also, he didn’t get high with the rest of his friends, who were in attendance.” I shrug. “So what was it for you?”

I can feel Ted begin to tremble a little. He really does not want to speak about it, which lets me know that there was some other issue underlying how he’d come to be in that position. I just sit and wait patiently for him to gather his emotions and thoughts. The one thing I know about Ted is that in order to get it out, he has to put it in sequence within his mind before so that he can speak about it clinically. Bernard interjects briefly, just to reassure him. “No one is going to judge you here, Ted. We’ve- all three of us- have done things for our addiction we normally would never have done. You aren’t alone.”

Ted looks at both of us then, before closing his eyes briefly. Taking a deep breath, I can feel the exact moment he’s made his decision. “I… I was raped while under the influence, even though on videotape it appeared consensual.”

Holy fuck! There’s a fucking video?! I look over to Bernard, realizing that while I’m mentally freaking out about this, he doesn’t seem surprised about it at all. “You knew?”

He hesitates for the slightest second, but then nods. “I did, but it wasn’t my place to speak about it. In fact, I was there for a time regarding one of my other patients, even though I didn’t realize their latest victim was Ted. If I did, I would have tried to get him out of there, too.”

“So because you didn’t know it was Ted, you didn’t try to stop them?!” I ask through gritted teeth. I can feel myself beginning to shake uncontrollably.

Ted shook his head, and wrapped his arms tighter around me when I tried to get up. “It wasn’t like that, Blake.”

“Well what the hell was it like then?” I look between the two of them. “Answer me!”

Bernard looks over to Ted, checking that he isn’t going to bolt before addressing me again. “Blake, the young man who was next in line for the train they were running on Ted was a sixteen year old, who was there because of his neglectful addict of a mother. She’d been pimping the young man out since he was eleven years old. I began treating him through the court system after the trauma of being taken away from his family’s home. According to the court documents, he was present when his parents had the violent altercation which resulted in him being taken from the home. Unfortunately, due to the amount of blood, he believed that she’d killed his father. She didn’t. It turns out that she didn’t kill the father, but did spend time in jail for assault. So they wanted to make sure that he was mentally stable, and would be able to adjust to another ‘home’ situation. It certainly wasn’t because he would miss her; that would have been like having a soft spot for Mommy Dearest.

“Anyway, the young man was doing well until that bitch found him. She began sending her dealers and johns to his foster home, or his school, for payment to support her habit. When he didn’t show up for his appointment, I went to the house where he was assigned. The house mother told me that the young man had thanked her for her help, but said he couldn’t stay there anymore; too afraid of bringing trouble to her door, especially with her young daughter in residence. Thankfully, he trusted her daughter enough to tell the truth of what he was planning to do before he left, otherwise I might never have known where to look from the onset of leaving the woman’s home. By the time I made it over to Darius’ house, they had already pumped him full of drugs. God! He was so high out of his mind that he was completely incoherent. What the boy didn’t know was that Darius had no intention of letting him go anywhere, but of continuing to pimp him out. He had no way of knowing that his mother was one of Dr. Crystal’s most loyal clients.”   

“So when did you realize that it was Ted?”

“The next day. I had stopped over to Darius’ again to tell him that if he came back for the young man, I would tell the police everything I knew about him. He issued his own threat against me and my career, but then laughed as he turned to hear the cheering going on behind him. He turned to look at the screen, and it was then that I froze in recognition of the man being gang raped.”

“I came out of the room then, only to see myself on screen,” Ted tells me in a soft voice. “I just thought they were watching a new porno. I didn’t know that I was what they were watching. And the things they said to me as they fucked me… ‘Oh how the mighty have fallen’; ‘Oh look at how much he likes it’; ‘Such a dirty little whore, like Kinney and the blond- no wonder they’re friends!’; ‘I wonder what Kinney would give to save a worthless piece of ass like you?’ ‘I wonder if he’d trade his young blond for this old thing, all in the name of friendship?’ ‘Fuck that shit! I WANT KINNEY! But in the meantime, I can pretend I’m fucking him while plowing his boring little clone. Move your ass, just like that, Dweebus!’ There was a host of other shit, but what struck me dumb was Darius’ laugh, telling me that I was going to be a star. I knew then exactly what he planned to do if Brian didn’t give up himself AND Justin in order to basically save me and my reputation, such as it was.”

Ted shivered, and sobbed before burying his face into his hands. My heart really went out to him, knowing only superficially what he must have felt then; what he must be feeling even now, after having to relive that nightmare. I feel so much anger towards the assholes who were so hellbent on destroying this beautiful man. But I feel even more heartache for not being there for him, the way he was for me the night he found me in the bathroom at Babylon so long ago. 

When we met up again when he finally committed to rehab, I was so determined to keep my distance as a professional. But what Ted really needed was a friend. I hug him closer to me, letting him lean on me for once. I know that in a sense, it’s too little too late. But I feel like if I can just be here- be present- for this one thing… then maybe, just maybe, Ted will come out of this part of the ordeal at last, whole. 

Bernard’s words that reassures us both. “I have it, Ted. I walked over to the entertainment system, and snatched it out before any of them knew what was happening, including Darius. I didn’t even give him a chance to make a copy of the DVD. Of course, Darius threatened me again, but I called his bluff by dialing a friend of mine at the Pittsburgh Department of Corrections, who just happened to be his former juvie officer. As you know those records are sealed until the offender commits another crime as an adult, which is how Darius has been able to fly under the radar all this time. No way would he want all the shit of his youth dredged up, even though I have a feeling he won’t have much choice in the matter soon. But I couldn’t tell you that I had the video before now, because… well, I didn’t want to bring it up until you were finally ready to address it.”

I feel Ted nod against my shoulder, before hearing him say, “Thank you.”

And with those two words, I know that Ted and I can finally start healing. Together.