FIRE AND ICE: BOOK II: CHAPTER 9: I TURN TO YOU
I Turn to You
Lyric 1
When I'm lost, in the rain, in your eyes/ I know I'll find the light to light my way.
When I'm scared, losing ground, when my world is going crazy, You can turn it all around
And when I'm down you're there pushing me to the top/ You're always there givin' me all you've got.
Chorus:
For a shield from the storm, for a friend for a love to keep me safe and warm, I turn to you.
For the strength to be strong, for the will to carry on,
For everything you do for everything that's true I turn to you, yes.
Lyric 2
When I lose the will to win I just reach for you and I can reach the sky again/ I can do anything, 'cause your love is so amazing,
Cause your love inspires me. And when I need a friend you're always on my side/ Givin' me faith to get me through the night.
Chorus 2:
For a shield (for a shield)/ From the storm (from the storm)/ For a friend, for a love to keep me safe and warm/ I turn to you. (I turn to you)
For the strength (for the strength)/ To be strong for the will to carry on/ For everything you do I turn to you/ (oh yeah oh)/
Bridge:
For the arms to be my shelter through all the rain/ For truth that will never change.
For someone to lean on/ For a heart I can rely on through anything/ For the one who I can run to/ Oh yeah (so do you oh yeah)
Chorus 3
For a shield from the storm, for a friend, for a love to keep me safe and warm/ (to keep me safe and warm, yeah)/ I turn to you (I turn to you)/ For the strength (for the strength yea)
To be strong, for the will to carry on/ For everything you do (everything you do)
For everything that's true/ For everything you do/ For everything that's true
I turn to you.
Songwriters: Diane Warren
EMMETT
I know I have to get out of this chair, but honestly I don’t know how. Last night was… intense. So tough that I can’t even find a path to my usual optimism right now. Ordinarily, I choose not to dwell on what I can’t change, but in this case it’s hard not to remember what I would rather forget. Most of all, I can’t forget the looks of shock and disappointment on each of their faces when they found out.
Yes, I was once a worshipper of Madam Crystal. It was a long time ago, but it’s still very much a part of who I was; of who I am. It destroyed my life then, and even after all this time, has the potential to destroy my life now. And it’s why I’m still stuck in this chair with nothing but the same thoughts, feelings, and memories of the total annihilation of the boy who became a man under her destructive eyes. I lost everything that once mattered to me before, and it looks like I’m about to do so again.
I can feel Drew’s eyes watching me to see what I will do. I know he wants to talk, but I’m too afraid of what he’ll say. That it’s over between us? That he wants a divorce from this Crystal Queen? That being with this ex-junkie is a deal breaker for him, and will ruin his reputation?
I can’t take the potential condemnation, so I sit here, trapped in this silence. It’s become a way for me to protect myself from the past I’ve lived; from the path I chose, but couldn’t control. Once again, I’m the jumpy mess being on that drug made me, and I’m reminded of being with Blitz all over again. I feel as beaten up emotionally as I had felt every single time Blitz put his hands on me in anger. And even though I know Drew wouldn’t physically harm me, I acknowledge to myself that he has the power to do so much worse with his words.
The scars unseen are always worse than the ones that are. It’s what my Aunt Lula used to tell me often while cleaning me up after all the beatings I endured at the hands of my so-called family. But she was right that the verbal assaults hurled at me were far more damaging. Crystal always worked in quieting those. So, it’s no wonder that at this moment I’m wishing she would again.
The knocking at the door takes me out of my dark thoughts. As I watch Drew’s determined stride move over to the entrance, I can’t help but wish that things were different. Sure, I wish that he’d never found out about Blitz. It’s a chapter of my life I would have rathered never happened at all. But I also wish that I’d have had the courage to tell him all about it privately.
It’s not that I mind the guys knowing, per se… Well, honestly, there’s that, too. But it’s more because of the reason that part of mine, Justin, and Blake’s semi-shared past had to be discussed at all. The fact that at base, that Michael was the one who helped set that cursed night into motion is just so beyond painful that I don’t know if the three of us can ever recover our equilibrium. The truth is we each need our partners in order to do that, but how do we ask our partners for help in doing so?
For my part, I certainly don’t know, since it’s so obvious that I’m not the person Drew thought I was. Yes, on the surface, I have my shit together, and have for a long time. My business is thriving, and I had a man who loved me. But on the inside, it’s like I’ve always been running scared of this particular moment. So how am I supposed to go back to being the Emmett Honeycutt-Boyd I was just a few days ago?
The simple fact is that I can’t. It’s as if my old life has pushed its way into the new persona I’ve cultivated over time, and is trying to take over again. I feel like I’m just waiting for another smack, or busted nose, or split lip for speaking whatever thoughts have the audacity to enter my head. I feel the words worthless whore, and stupid bitch, trying to become part of my fabric again. And I have no idea how to stop it, short of running for the nearest drink or dealer to stop the running tape… perhaps for good this time.
It’s that last thought which gives me pause the most. I haven’t been suicidal in many years- not since the last time I was healing from another of Blitz’s tantrums using my body as his punching bag- so why now? It’s then I hear who Drew has invited into our villa, and breathe a sigh of relief. Duke! Maybe he can…
“I was in the kitchen when your order came through, so I thought I’d save the staff a trip and bring breakfast myself,” Duke tells Drew, even as he looks squarely at me. “I would say that maybe I came at a bad time, but I suspect I arrived right on time.”
Drew looks over at me then. “He woke up hours ago, and hasn’t moved from that chair since.”
Duke simply nods, and moves over to the dining table. “I had imagined that this morning would have been tough on you both. And although I had planned to meet with you both later today, I think this is moreso the perfect time. So, I’m going to break a rule and ask you to join us now, Emmett.”
I hesitantly push myself from my seat, and make my way to where they both are. Before I can even reach for the plush chair, I’m grabbed up by Drew. I can’t help the momentary flinch that assails me, even as he pulls me against his body for full contact. “I’ve been waiting all night and this morning to feel you against me, Em. Please…”
I know what he’s asking, so I slowly raise my arms and allow them to drape loosely around his broad shoulders. But I can’t seem to get them to tighten around him as I normally would. In truth, I feel kind of wooden right now, and I know he knows it. But instead of releasing me, he just holds me tighter whispering against my ear, “Everything’s going to be okay, Em. We’re still us. Just let me be here for you.”
“I ca…”
“Yes, you can and you will, Emmett. You’re going to let me love you through this, you hear? Because otherwise, I’m going to become a stalker. I’ll turn up wherever you are, including the bathroom during your bubble baths when you least expect it. I’ll pose as a server at every one of the functions you cater until you get it through your head that I intend to be closer to you than your own shadow. There is nothing you could tell me; nothing ANYONE could tell me that would make me stop wanting to be with the man I love.”
“But that man isn’t who you thought he was, Drew,” I whisper with my head buried in his neck.
“Bullshit, Em. You’re still the same man, only with a painful past that you’ve done your best to recover from. But whatever your trauma, it’s made you into the multi-layered man who I’ve come to need like the air I breathe. Let me finally be the stronghold and shelter for you as you have always been for me. It’s what I want- what I need from you, Em. Please let me? Say yes to me again?”
I pull back to look at the man who has come to be as vital as air to me. In his eyes, I see a future I never dared to dream of, and yet it’s all there if I can just bear to face my past this one last time. The sincerity shining back at me forces me to give him the only answer I can at this moment. “Yes, Drewsie, but…”
“No buts, Em.” He cuts me off. “It’s time for me to hear it all from your perspective, as you’ve lived it.”
“Okay, but it’s not pretty.”
“Most stories involving survival and triumph aren’t, Em. But I promise you that I’m not going anywhere no matter how ugly. Don’t you realize by now how much I love you?”
I let the tears flow freely from my eyes. They are of sadness of course, but also of relief in knowing that after breakfast Drew is going to meet the real Emmett. For the first time in years, I feel the same kind of freedom I had when I’d finally hopped the Greyhound out of Hazelhurst, and away from the physical representation of my childhood trauma. And as I wipe my eyes before taking my seat at the table, I silently thank God for the two men sitting here. One is going to be the stronghold and shelter I so desperately need right now to keep the dark thoughts assailing me a little while ago from really taking root, while the other is going to be our anchor for us to face all of it head on.
No more hiding, no more running; just a will to carry on, and reclaim the part of myself I continually refused to acknowledge existed unless given absolutely no choice, but here it is again. God I feel like I have a split personality! Every hurt, every slight, every physical blow or verbal stabbing that has drawn blood in one way or another has to be addressed if healing is the ultimate goal. Which it is, so I can’t afford to dance with my secret identity in the shadows any longer. It’s where all of my personal demons, and one malevolent, satanically-possessed fiend named Michael Novotny has been able to thrive for far too long.