FIRE AND ICE: BOOK II: CHAPTER 10: ANY LOVE

Luther Vandross

I speak to myself sometimes, and I say, "Oh my In a lot of ways, you're a lucky guy. Now all you need is a chance to try Any love"

In my heart there's a need to shout Dyin', screamin', cryin' let me out/ Are all those feelings that want to touch Any love?

What a world for the lonely guy/ Sometimes I feel I'm gonna lose my mind/ Can anybody tell me just where to find Any love, any love?

Everyone needs a love no doubt/ Any love, Any love/ Everybody feels alone without/ Any love, any love

I know there's a love waiting To enter my life, enter my life

Every day as I live I try to think positive/ I pray for someone good to come Any love

Love is sweet and so divine/ And I can't wait for my love life to shine/ Can anybody tell me where I can find Any love, any love?

Songwriters: Luther R. Vandross and William Marcus Miller

DUKE:

I can’t imagine the war Emmett is waging within himself at this moment, while we sit and speak of inconsequential things. Knowing some of his history, I have nothing but respect and admiration for him. It takes an insurmountable amount of courage to face those particular demons head on. I know that deep down he feels that he couldn’t do it without Drew and I here, but I beg to differ. Emmett Joel Honeycutt-Boyd is a whole lot stronger and wiser than he believes of himself. 

And it’s time he really honors that.

“Have either of you had a chance to write in your journals?” I ask.

“I did this morning,” Drew answers. “Em?”

“Not since the plane ride here, although I meant to. I’m sor…”

I shake my head at him. “No. Don’t apologize, Emmett. Admittedly, we’ve all had a lot going on since arriving. I only asked because it would have been a good starting place to get this session underway.”

“It’s just… Well, it’s all fresh in my head, if that helps.”

I nod. “It does. But does that mean you’re ready to speak your truths aloud? Understand that there’s no rush in doing so, but in lieu of everything that’s happened last night, the two of you no longer have any room for any misunderstandings- any secrets- between you.”

“I get it,” Emmett whispers, brokenly before gathering himself. “I have to do this in order to have the life I want… the life Drew and I deserve.”

“I’m right here with you, Em,” Drew assures him, reaching out to take ahold of his partner’s hand.

I’m gratified to see Emmett squeeze his hand in return. “I know, Drewsie. And I thank you for it; you too, Duke. I honestly don’t know what I would do if I had to process everything by myself.”

I smile. “You would get through it, just as you always have, Emmett.”

“But have I really?” Emmett mutters, looking down briefly.

“You have,” I reassure him. “You’ve always had this resilience about you that is to be envied and emulated. But somehow, you’ve allowed yourself to negate the part of your psyche which has always dealt with things. For many years, you’ve opted to push things away from you instead of actually addressing the hurts done to you. I have to wonder when that started.”

Drew interjects that he’d been thinking the same thing as recently as this morning, and I can see Emmett thinking about it. I can tell when he finally happened upon the answer by the fear and loathing that suddenly entered his blue eyes. “The first time, Blitz hit me so hard I fell and broke the coffee table in my old apartment. It was before moving in with Michael, and I can’t remember what exactly we were arguing about. Knowing our history back then, it was probably about me not agreeing to fuck someone he’d promised me to. I just remember feeling like my head was splitting, and that my eyeball was about to fall from its socket. But I also remember castigating myself for speaking my mind when I’d first learned the consequences of doing that very thing under my parents’ roof back in Hazelhurst. 

“What’s funny is that I used to do that, but over time Aunt Lula made me get out of the habit. At first, it was because of the notion that if I was going to get a beating anyway, then I might as well have had my say before it happened. God, I must have been about ten years old then. She said that they may have been able to hurt me physically, but willingly handing over my spirit to them no-good fools, was a much worse fate. I found it funny that she would say such things about my parents, considering she was my mom’s sister. But over time, I could understand the wisdom of her words, and by the time I was fourteen, I stopped caring that I would get hit. I fought back the only way I could, with harsh words which often spoke to the inadequacies of my attackers. So whereas I was hurt physically, launching those verbal missiles made the pain worth it.

“When I boarded the bus from Hazelhurst the afternoon of my eighteenth birthday, I was determined not to return to the scared kid I was, living in that town full of human snakes and crocodiles. And for a while, my resolve was so strong that nothing could shake me. But then I met Blitz. Godiva had been gone for about a month when that happened. She’d always warned me against getting involved with him beyond being a passing acquaintance. ‘A simple Hi and Bye would suffice; enough that if you’re ever in trouble, he’d at least call the ambulance for you to get help. I wish I would have heeded her warning about the man who would become one of the most violent offenders of my acquaintance. And that’s saying a whole lot considering I grew up the only queer in a town full of fag haters, which included at least twenty-three members of my own family.

“Anyway, at first, it was all fun and games with him. He was nice, and I just couldn’t see what Godiva’s warning was about. When you’re not used to people being nice; not used to people loving the person you are without conditions, it makes it difficult to see the proverbial wolves in sheep’s clothing. He began to change over a short time of us being together. Oh, it was subtle at first. An offhand, derogatory comment here, or a criticism in the guise of helping me there… They weren’t as overt as the insults my family and enemies back in Hazelhurst would launch at me just for breathing. After he’d apologize, he’d suddenly turn nice and ask me to do things to help him out with his clients, just before handing me a vial. It wasn’t until later, after addiction found me, that I realized just what those pretty little rocks really were. The problem was that by the time I figured out just why Blitz wooed and came after me, it was already too late. Any move I made that he didn’t agree with resulted in a beating. On that particular night though, not only had I gotten knocked through the coffee table, but I’d also broken my wrist during my fall. I dared not complain though, and even after all that; after working for more than a half an hour just to cover the worst of the bruises on my face with makeup, I was still made to service Blitz’s client.”

“Why didn’t you…” Drew began, only to be cut off by the bitter laugh Emmett emitted.

“Leave? Hide? Where?” Em stops laughing, and then sighs. “There’s only so many places I could go with little to no money. I began working at Torso- a job one of Blitz’s contacts who owed him a favor let me have. But that only paid for my apartment, and Meth habit. Sure I could get it from Blitz, but that always came with a price I couldn’t always pay. Also, it was nothing for him to cut me off when he wanted to teach me some lesson or another. So to supplement my meager income, I began to trick on my own when I knew he wouldn’t catch me. Sure, he’d hear about it later, but well, by then it was too late, and as far as he was concerned I’d paid him monetarily, since he was in reality Sapperstein’s predecessor back then.”

“How did you end up living with Michael?”

Emmett laughed genuinely then, before answering. “Marvelous Mables Mobydick- or 3M to her friends- down the hall from the apartment Godiva let me rent from her while she was out of town, got a little overzealous with one of her tricks that night and caused a five-alarm fire. I wasn’t there, but heard the retelling of it when I’d gotten back from my weekend with a gentleman caller. Michael was the only viable solution at the time, since Brian and I weren’t close, and Ted and I had just met the week before. For the record, Michael NEVER called the police on Blitz; it was Godiva. She had come to visit, which Michael was pissed about, but since I was paying my full portion of the rent, he couldn’t squawk too loudly about it without me telling him to shut the hell up. Anyway, it wasn’t until later that I’d found out Michael had somehow heard he was looking for me, and was all too happy to tell him where I was living at the time. Blitz came in and demanded that I go with him to some party, and when I protested he raised his hand as if to hit me, but Godiva caught it. Luckily for me, she had more pull with the cops than he did, so when she called, Blitz was taken in. I hadn’t heard from him for a long time after that, until the night that Godiva died, which was Sap’s party. No prizes for guessing how he knew it was safe again to accost and drug me,” Emmett finishes wryly.

“I have a question, Em,” Drew announces, and at first I’m puzzled. But considering the timeline we’ve just entered, I can figure where this line of questioning is heading.

“Ask it, Drewsie.” 

Strangely, there are no tears in Em’s eyes during this retelling of his volatile history. I almost wonder why that is, until I remember that this is something the man in front of us has always done. He compartmentalizes what’s most important before allowing emotion to overtake him. I suppose that’s what he needs to do at this moment. Admittedly, even I’m hurt and angry on his behalf and I know Drew is. 

So in a sense, Emmett’s calm demeanor while exposing the Emmett Honeycutt he’s kept hidden for all these years is a gift in and of itself. Because honestly, and I think I can speak for Drew too, that if I was able to get my hands on Michael Novotny right now, I would drown him. And that’s no way for a medical professional to react in this situation. Not only could I lose my license to practice medicine, but my freedom as well. And no way in hell is Michael Novotny worth that!

“Aside from the obvious lie that Deb was told in reference to Michael calling the police, why haven’t you ever mentioned to Justin that you were there that night?” Drew asks, and I am interested in hearing the answer to that question too. By all accounts, Emmett and Justin are extremely close. So why wouldn’t he have divulged what he knew to the young man in question.

“For a couple of reasons. The first is that I knew Justin needed to speak about it in his own time. Yes, I know that if he’d had his way, yesterday’s conversation at the Pelican still wouldn’t have uncovered that particular story. I don’t blame him at all for that, but I also acknowledge that it was time he knew that both Blake and I knew the truth of the matter. We’re just lucky that it hasn’t destroyed his trust in us, since, as Brian says, a lie of omission is still a lie. But the second reason is that I didn’t want any of you to know about me and my foray into the drug scene. I also didn’t want to seem weak. Selfish and delusional? Maybe. But you have to understand where that comes from.”

“Where?” I ask. Although I have an inkling of where his train of thought is going, I still need him to speak them for his own clarity.

“All my life, I have been the embodiment of a very wrong stereotype. Yes, I’m a queen in all the ways that count. I can be looked as femme in some ways, and I won’t apologize for that. But along with that comes certain views, that just because I live with my light burning bright, that somehow I’m less of a man. I’m NOT. I still have the same thoughts, feelings, and an abundance of testosterone that grows hair on my balls just as every other… even if I choose to wax it off. The fact that I was in an abusive relationship tends to lend credence to people’s very WRONG thinking. If you don’t believe me, take Michael’s actions for an example. Half the shit he does with the rest of us, he would never try with you, Brian, and Ben, Drewsie. But because Ted, Justin, and I are a little less Alpha-esque, he has this notion that none of us will make a move to defend ourselves. Instead, we’ll hide behind the men in our lives to do that for us. Well he’s already learning some hard lessons about Justin, and now he’s about to learn the same about me and Blake. He’s already received a partial one at Blake’s hands within Le Mont, and I have a feeling that Ted’s just waiting in the wings until he knows what’s going on regarding Tino and Dr. Crystal. But once that happens, Michael should probably not only watch his back- because if I know Teddy, he’s going to make sure Michael feels his wrath directly- but Deb’s going to have to watch hers as well. I believe that all of us are officially done with the Novotnys; it just may take them a while to really get the message.”

I shiver thinking about all that Emmett has just said, and I would hate to really be any of them when they figure out just how much these men have grown into themselves when Michael and Deb weren’t looking. As I watch the two men within this room gravitate towards each other, I realize that they are going to be okay now. They are still talking, with Drew asking questions and Emmett answering them without fear. I walk out to the balcony, leaving them alone to continue their conversation while I contemplate my own situation of late. I’ve discovered that I want what each of these men have. 

Good times or bad, they still have the courage within themselves to fix what’s broken, and fight for what they want, which is so obviously their relationships with their partners. In Ben’s case, it’s the relationship with himself again, but I think he’ll be open to love and all it has to offer, again. I believe it’s time for him to just have fun. However, I think it’s time for me to grow some balls to achieve something worth having of my own. Life can’t just continue to be an endless round of patients, and a series of nameless tricks for me. 

In fact, I think it’s time I see my own therapist.