Sacrifice




“Daddy!  Daddy!  Daddy!  Daddy!  Daddy!

“Fuck!” Brian responded vehemently as he opened his eyes.  Two little cherubic faces with blond hair and Taylor smiles looked up at him as he lay in bed.  No other words escaped their lips.  Brian shuddered involuntarily.  This was not what he wanted.  “I can’t do this,” Brian moaned.  He felt the sweat beading on his forehead and the trickle of fear that ran up his spine.  This was a disaster – a fucking, colossal disaster!

“We want you to play with us,” the little boy said.

“I can’t … play,” Brian groaned.

“Yes you can, Daddy,” the little blonde girl told him.  “Play is easy.”

“No … I can’t.”

“We’ll show you, Daddy.”

“No,” Brian said emphatically.

“But we want to…” the boy said with a pout.

“Yes, Daddy, now!”

“No, I said.”

“But, Daddy…”

“Stop it!  Stop it right now!” Brian cried out.  He thrashed around trying to get the bedcovers off him so he could escape.  With a gasp Brian sat up, suddenly realizing that no one was standing beside his bed.  There were no children.

Brian closed his eyes and shook his head.  A few seconds later, with some trepidation, he opened them again.  He half expected to see the little faces looking hopefully up at him.  Thank the gods, there was no one there.

Brian turned and looked at the other side of the bed.  Justin lay there, still asleep in spite of all the tossing around and calling out that Brian was sure he had been doing a few minutes earlier.

Brian’s eyes narrowed.  This was all Justin’s fault.  Justin Taylor, and his sudden and unexpected desire to be a father.  Fuck!  Brian felt resentment rise up in his body and in his heart.  Brian knew he was no father.  Justin might make a good father, but not him.  Even though he had a son, and he did acknowledge that Gus was his son, he had had little to do with the raising of the boy.  And now Gus, who was seven, lived far away in Toronto where Brian saw him only sporadically.   That had mostly suited Brian.  He had little desire to carry on the Kinney family tradition of dysfunction and cruelty.  And he had even less desire to bring another child into that potentially toxic environment.  He could never be sure that he might not behave just like his own horrid parents.

And then Justin had broached the topic of fathering a child.  He had spoken eloquently about wanting to experience what it was like to be a parent.  He wanted a chance to be a better father than his own father had been.  Brian had of course refused…at first, but the Taylor kid had a way of working on him, of coming back again and again to the topic when Brian had expected he would eventually forget about it.  And Justin always managed to punctuate his arguments in favor of fatherhood with a mind blowing fuck or an earth shattering blowjob.  The lad was relentless.

Finally Brian had decided that he would give in, make the sacrifice of becoming a parent one more time.  And so they began searching for a surrogate to carry the child.  Brian had wavered between grudgingly agreeing and refusing to be involved.  But Justin would somehow suck him back in when his fears and apprehensions took over.  Now here they were with a pregnant surrogate a couple of months away from delivering.  Brian dreaded the fact that he had agreed to something that he knew all along he couldn’t do.

He was no father.  There was no doubt of that in his mind.  He’d have to tell Justin that they could not have a family together.  He knew it was too late, but he also knew it had to be done.

“Justin,” Brian said, giving his partner a little nudge.  “Justin.”

“Hm, what’s wrong?” Justin asked as he turned over and opened an eye.

“I can’t do it,” Brian said simply.

“Can’t do what?” Justin asked with a frown as he started to wake up.  A tremor of fear ran through him.  He thought maybe he already knew what Brian was talking about.  There had been signs over the last weeks that Brian was withdrawing, becoming more and more silent, not wanting to participate in any of the preparations for the new baby.

“I can’t be a father to the baby,” Brian whispered.  “I should not have agreed to it.”

“You’ll be fine,” Justin replied with confidence.  He laced his fingers into Brian’s.  “We can do this together.  I’ll be there with you all the way.”

Brian shook his head and pulled his hand away.  “I thought I could, but I can’t.”

“We can do anything together,” Justin informed him.  “You know that.  I’ll be there and we can do it … together.”

“For eighteen years…?” Brian asked tentatively.

Justin chuckled.  “These days it could be twenty or thirty years.  A lot of times there’s failure to launch as they call it.”

Brian groaned.  “I … can’t,” he whispered again.

“Yes you can.”

“How do you know?”

“I’ve seen you do impossible things,” Justin replied.  “Look at Mel and Lindsay’s wedding and getting me through … that time.  Everybody comes to you when they need help.  You always come through for them.”

“But that’s different.  That’s for others.”

“Then it’s time you did this for yourself,” Justin said.  “Now get some sleep.”

Brian wanted to continue to deny his role as father, but he knew it was pointless.  Justin wouldn’t let him quit.

They both lay back down staring up at the ceiling. And thinking.  Brian’s fears were not calmed. But talking to Justin always made things better.

It was a long time before Brian finally closed his eyes and drifted off.

“Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.”

Brian looked up at a little blonde girl standing beside his bed.  He groaned inwardly.

“Play dolly with me?” she asked.

“Can’t,” Brian mumbled.

“Dolly loves you,” the girl said.  “I love you too.”  And she smiled one of those Taylor smiles.

“I … I love you too,” Brian said with a strange feeling coursing through his body.  Could he really love this little being?  Could he actually be a father to her?

“Hug, Daddy,” she ordered staring at him with her piercing blue eyes – Justin’s eyes.

Brian gave her a warm hug and smiled inwardly as he kissed the top of her little head.  Maybe this wasn’t a sacrifice at all; this agreeing to Justin’s request might actually be a good thing.  Maybe this was something that was supposed to happen.  Otherwise, why did he suddenly feel all warm and content inside?

“Maybe I can do this,” Brian mumbled as he drifted into a deeper sleep.