Chapter 39 - Reality Blows Chunks.

You know that thing that big people do with their faces? The way they turn up their lips at the corners? That face was what Kevan always thought of as the ‘Happy Face’. Kevan liked the Happy Face. He liked it when The Papa and The Daddy made the Happy Face at him. Kevan had found that if he copied them and made the Happy Face back at them then their own Happy Faces would get even happier. And then he would get happier and then they would get happier and then everyone was happy and the world was happier and the whole universe (at least as far as Kevan was concerned) was a happy place.

So, when The Papa started making the Happy Face that morning over breakfast, Kevan was quick to join in. He made the Happy Face back. Next, The Silly One showed up and he made the Happy Face too. There was even a new giant-sized big people thing - Kevan thought he looked familiar but he wasn’t sure - and The Giant made a Happy Face. Everything was so happy that morning.

Finally, The Daddy arrived and even he made the Happy Face.

Really, everything was so happy. Kevan was very pleased with the whole world right then. He didn’t even really mind the smelly gunk in his bottle that morning because everything was so happy.

Then The Papa and The Daddy did that thing where they make the happy explode all over the place so loudly that Kevan could actually HEAR the happy. He loved that sound. It was like the Happy Face got so happy on his big people’s faces that they couldn’t hold it in any longer and the happy came out as a NOISE. And his people’s mouths opened wide and the happy mouth sounds came out and it matched the Happy Faces. It was a Happy Noise.

Kevan really wanted to join in with the Happy Noise. He knew how to make the Happy Face pretty well by now, so he started with that. Then, he just let the happy bubble away until, when he opened his mouth, the Happy Noise came out! That was so great!

And they were all making the Happy Noise together - The Papa, The Daddy, The Silly One, The Giant and Kevan. It was such a happy time today in the Kitchen with all the Happy Noises and the Happy Faces. The whole universe was happy. Which is precisely the way Kevan liked things to be in HIS universe.

Which was why Kevan was so unprepared for what happened next. In fact, Kevan was still so involved in the Happy Noise creations he was working on that it took him completely by surprise when the unhappy thing happened. He didn’t even notice when The Daddy actually disappeared again. One minute The Daddy was there and there was happy everywhere all over them and the next minute Kevan looked around and The Daddy was GONE.

What the doo doo! Kevan was really getting tired of The Daddy trying to disappear on him again and again. This was NOT a happy thing and it was messing up the happy in his universe.

And that’s when the Happy Noise turned back into the Wail . . .

Justin couldn’t stand by watching Brian on his knees in front of the toilet again so he quickly pulled on some jeans and went to get Kevan up. At least it seemed the baby was in a great mood so far this morning. Kevan gurgled and smiled up at his Papa as Justin put him into a fresh diaper. It was impossible to stay upset around all that undiluted happiness. Which was exactly what Justin needed that morning.

By the time he and Kevan were done and heading towards the kitchen, the only sound coming out of the bedroom was the water running in the shower. Thankfully. Justin frowned again, though, unable to keep his thoughts on the happy baby in his arms when he knew his partner was still feeling so bad.

They quickly made it to the kitchen and, once Kevan was deposited in his high chair, Justin set about making him a bottle and some rice cereal for his breakfast. Kevan was busy playing the drums on the high chair tray with his spoon. While he waited for the microwave to heat up the water for the formula, Justin listened in to the impromptu concert and felt his smile return. Kevan really was a joy to be around . . . sometimes.

“Hello, hello!” Justin’s moment of quiet contemplation was interrupted by the front door opening and then a cheery voice ringing through the house.

“Morning, Em. What brings you here on your day off?” Justin asked as he grabbed the bottle and started to mix the formula. “Don’t tell me you’re volunteering to take Kevan again today because you just can’t stand to be away from him?’

“Well, I DO adore my little angel,” Emmett replied, trotting into the house followed by the towering hulk of Baby Lev. “But no, I didn’t come over to keep him company today. I wouldn’t want to usurp his day with his daddies. No, I just came to pick up my gym bag, which I forgot to take with me last night.”

Em proceeded to the hall closet and pulled a small blue holdall bag off the hook inside the door. Lev had already seated himself on one of the stools at the kitchen bar by the time Em made it back. Justin smiled at the big bodyguard as he pulled out two more coffee mugs and filled them both from the carafe that was already waiting and then pushed one of them towards the big man. Lev smiled his thanks shyly before taking his first sip.

“Well, that explains what Em is doing here. But what brings you by, Lev? I thought Brian decided we didn’t need bodyguards anymore,” Justin asked, as he turned his attention back to mixing up a portion of cereal for Kevan.

“Well, um, I . . .” The big bashful brute seemed caught out by the question, causing him to blush like a schoolgirl.

“Lev was just being a sweetheart - he offered to drive me over here. Now that I’ve got my stuff, we’re going out to breakfast and then we’re hitting the gym. Lev has promised to spot me. He’s going to help me set up a whole new workout,” Emmett gushed, plopping himself down on the stool next to Lev and draping his arm possessively around the massive shoulders.

“I’d say, from the looks of you two, you’ve already had a pretty good workout this morning,” Brian’s sarcastic voice announced his presence as the tall, good-looking brunet joined the group in the kitchen.

Lev blushed again but didn’t deny Brian’s innuendo. Emmett simply smiled over at the big lug with an adoring gleam in his eye. Brian and Justin looked at each other and broke out laughing. Kevan decided he would laugh too even though he didn’t know what the joke was, but everyone else seemed happy this morning so he wanted to join in. And the next thing you knew, everyone was laughing. Which was not at all a bad way to start off a Saturday morning.

The congenial group sat and sipped at their coffees together for a few minutes after that. Kevan sipped at his bottle of formula and ate a bite or two of cereal from the spoon that Justin had finally pried out of his fingers. Brian poured half the sugar bowl into his own cup of coffee, took two sips and then poured the rest down the drain. He looked at the fridge, wondering if he dared try any food, but then decided against it. Justin, who’d been observing him closely, wasn’t pleased. He got up and went over to the fridge, intent on getting Brian at least a glass of juice or something to tide him over.

“Brian, where’s the orange juice? I just picked up a new carton yesterday,” Justin asked when he couldn’t find what he was looking for.

“I had to dump it out. I went to pour myself a glass last night but it had gone bad already. Tasted terrible,” Brian explained without seeming to notice the odd look that Justin was giving him. “I’ll stop by and pick up some more this afternoon, Sunshine.”

“Mmmmm. Orange juice sounds yummy. And I’m starving. You ready to go, sweetie?” Em asked Lev, who just blushed again without answering but put down his coffee cup obediently.

“Hey, do you two mind if Brian joins you guys at the gym?” Justin asked hurriedly before they even had a chance to get off their stools. “You did mention you were going to try and hit the gym today, right Brian? Why don’t you go now, have a bite at the Diner and then go to the gym with Em and Lev.”

“I don’t want to just abandon you here with Kevan all day, Sunshine,” Brian seemed unenthusiastic about this proposal.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ve got a project to work on for VanGuard and I’m sure Kevan will be a good boy and play quietly while I work. You should really go. Take your chance now while you’ve got it,” Justin insisted, leaning over the bar and planting a kiss on Brian’s nose to show him he really meant it.

“Trying to get rid of me, Sunshine?” Brian teased.

“Of course. Kevan and I want you out of the way so we can watch Teletubbies without you giving us a hard time and making fun of poor Tinkie Winkie.” Justin shot right back, knowing that there was nothing that would get rid of Brian faster than the threat of having to watch children’s television.

“Ugh! Then I’m definitely out of here. Em, Lev, let’s get going before Justin turns on that crap and our brains start to melt,” Brian started to walk down the hall even as he spoke. “Just give me two minutes to get my stuff together.”

As soon as Brian was out of hearing range, Justin turned to Lev. “I know that we’re not paying for your services anymore, but would you mind just keeping an eye on Brian at the gym? We may not have to worry about Taggart anymore, but there’s still a thousand other fans out there who all want a piece of Brian and he’s still a little on the skittish side around strangers.”

“Not a problem, Justin. I’ll make sure he’s not bothered too much,” Lev promised with a resolute nod.

“Thanks, Lev. I’ll feel better if I know someone’s got his back. Just in case, you know. Especially since I won’t be there.”

“You won’t be there to do what, Sunshine,” Brian asked, walking in on the tail end of the conversation.

“To fight off all your adoring fans if they try to swamp you at the gym,” Justin admitted, a little bit worried how Brian would react to overhearing his conversation, even though he wouldn’t deny his concern. “I was just making sure the guys have your back if you’re swarmed.”

“I’m perfectly capable of staying clear of a few twinks, Justin,” Brian maintained, shouldering his gym bag. Then, coming up close enough to kiss Justin’s cheek goodbye, Brian added in a whisper, “but, then again, this whole protective ‘butch’ thing you’ve got going these days, Sunshine, is pretty fucking hot.” Justin beamed one of his best and brightest sunshine smiles at his man for that concession. “Be good, boys,” Brian said, aloud, and added a kiss to the top of Kevan’s head before he followed Emmett and Lev out the front door.

“Okay! Now that we got Daddy out of the way for a few hours, you can play and watch Teletubbies while Papa does some serious thinking. Right, Kev?” Justin announced as he cleaned up the last of Kevan’s breakfast and wiped the child’s face off before the two of them headed downstairs to the Rec room together.

By the time Brian, Em and Lev arrived at the Diner, Brian was feeling marginally better and decided to try some toast and another cup of coffee. The rest of the gang filtered in while they were eating, and it turned into the usual Saturday morning gathering filled with joking, gossip and camaraderie. Brian felt like he was finally getting back into the normal swing of things. The only indication that things had changed was the fact that Michael was still acting a little reserved around him. Brian wasn’t really complaining about that, though, seeing as he didn’t really want to have it out with his oldest friend quite yet if he didn’t have to.

The whole group headed over to the gym en masse. It was crowded, as usual for a Saturday, but they all managed to get in their regular workout. Even Brian managed, despite the occasional fan who’d come up and try to engage him in conversation or ask for an autograph. Brian was glad that Justin had made sure that Em and Lev would be there to help him fend off the more importunate ones. Some people just wouldn’t take a hint and Brian was still more than a little leery of all the attention he was subjected to. Luckily, Lev was able to dissuade even the most persistent fanatics. Brian also made sure he guarded his water bottle like a hawk - just in case.

Seeing as this was the first time Brian had been to the gym in almost a month, he was a little disappointed with his performance. His stamina was for shit and he had to dial back on the weight he’d normally lift more than he would have liked. He tried to tell himself that he would get back to where he should be in no time, just as soon as he got back into a regular workout regime, but it was still a blow to his ego. Even more disturbing was the fact that, at the end of his workout when Brian stepped on the scale, he seemed to have put on almost five pounds. And even though Brian had determined that he was done with the whole modeling thing, it didn’t mean he didn’t want to still LOOK like a model. Something definitely had to be done about that development.

As soon as Brian was done in the showers, he headed straight for the lockers, dismissing the tall redhead giving him a ‘wanna fuck’ look with a shake of his head and an ‘I’m not interested’. If he was still wary of all the casual fans who just wanted his autograph, Brian was downright distrustful about offers of random sex. Besides, Brian reminded himself when a tendril of doubt started to creep in anyway, he’d promised himself that he was going to focus on his family and his work. Hooking up with this guy in the steam room wasn’t going to help on either of those fronts. And he shouldn’t care about whether or not Brian Kinney, Stud of Liberty Avenue, would be seen as going soft just because he really didn’t want to fuck some skank in the steam room. That wasn’t who Brian wanted to be anymore. So he just ignored the redhead, as well as the disbelieving stares of his friends, finished dressing and then practically ran out of the gym.

He felt better as soon as he was out in the fresh air again. Those walls and all those people crowding around him had started to give him the willies. Brian was more than happy to be out of there. And, since he hadn’t wasted any time with the redhead, it was still early enough that he could run by VanGuard and do a little more clandestine research into the accounts he was planning to poach before heading home to the blond who was waiting for him.

“So, what do you think? Will it work?” Brian asked, looking over the pile of research and other paperwork that he and Justin had been going over together for the past couple of hours.

Justin flipped back to the hastily sketched out business plan they’d outlined and thought about it all.

It was risky. With him still in school and only working on the occasional contract project through VanGuard, they’d have virtually no income once Brian quit. And, if Vance wanted to be a real ass about things, he’d probably stop sending Justin any more contract work, which would mean they’d have NO income at all. Brian was sure he’d get a few of his accounts to come with him, but it wasn’t guaranteed that they’d want to leave a big, well-respected agency to go with a start-up. Not that Justin didn’t believe in Brian’s talent, just that he knew it might take a while. In the meantime, they only had so much left in savings after buying the house and paying for all the renovations they’d done over the past year. It was not an easy decision to make.

And there were also other considerations that he and Brian hadn’t really discussed yet. Considerations that didn’t really fit anywhere on the business plan but which would likely impact their lives more than anything else Brian had brought up. Considerations that, apparently, hadn’t yet even crossed Brian’s mind. Justin didn’t quite know how to bring up his concerns though.

Unfortunately, Justin had run out of other topics of conversation that might distract him from what was really weighing on his mind. Kevan was already in bed for the night. They’d had dinner. There was nothing else he could think of that would take Brian’s attention away from his plans to start his own agency. Before they could do that, however, Justin would have to bite the bullet and broach the taboo subject.

While Justin was going through the stack of papers once again, Brian had scooted back so that he was leaning against the back cushion on the couch. It was late and he was feeling pretty tired. He’d put in more hours at the office that afternoon than he had originally intended and then come home and put in even more time working with Justin on a tentative business plan. But even then, he really didn't think he should be feeling this tired. He definitely needed to get back in shape - this thing with Taggart had thrown him off way too much.

“You feeling okay, Brian?” Justin asked when he noticed Brian pinching the bridge of his nose the way he did when he was getting a headache.

“Not really, no,” Brian admitted with a grimace. “Have I mentioned before how much I'd like to kill that piece of shit, Taggart, for fucking up my body so much with his damn drugs? I just wish I'd snap out of it already and get back to normal.”

“Yeah, well, about that . . .” Justin wondered if he should be thankful that Brian had conveniently given him the perfect segue into the topic he wanted to broach or if he should be scared. “It's been more than a week now since you got home, Brian. Don't you think it's odd that you're still not feeling better? I mean, if it was the drugs that Tag gave you that was making you sick, then shouldn't you be over it by now?”

“You'd think so. But I still feel like crap.” Brian looked over at the boy sitting next to him, wondering at the strange look in Justin's eyes. “If it's not a reaction to the drugs, though, what do you think it is? I don't feel achy or feverish or have a sore throat so it can't be the flu or a cold. And food poisoning doesn't usually last this long. So what else is there?”

“Brian . . .” Justin couldn't believe his partner still wasn’t seeing it. “You're tired all the time. You can't stand the taste or smell of some foods you normally like. You keep getting sick. And you told me just today that, even with all the puking you've been doing, you've still put on weight.” Brian continued to stare at him with an uncomprehending gaze. “Doesn't this sound at all familiar, Brian?”

“Well, I guess, yeah, but that was back when I was pregnant, which makes no . . .” Brian started to object and then his words faded away as the idea finally stuck.

Justin watched, biting his lip nervously as the wheels in Brian’s brain spun wildly. At first you could see that he was doubtful. Then, after a couple more seconds, you could see him opening up to the possibility. And then, finally, you could see his mind slamming shut and moving on to the denial phase. If things weren’t so dire, Justin would almost find this part funny.

“But that’s impossible!” Brian declared emphatically. “Remember, I asked Chiefy about it and she told me it was impossible.”

“Impossible?” Justin asked.

“She said that no other man had ever gotten pregnant twice. She said I shouldn’t worry about it,” Brian insisted. “That it would NEVER happen.”

“Never?” Justin reiterated.

“Yes, never. She told me that the circumstances necessary to make it happen were so complex and rare that it was highly unlikely that any man could get pregnant a second time,” Brian sounded a little less sure with every passing minute.

“Highly unlikely . . . but, still possible, right?” Justin supplied his doubting Brian with the only conclusion possible at this point.

“Fuuuuuuccccckkkkk!” Brian groaned and slumped down into the cushions in defeat. “Shit. I’m pregnant again, aren’t I?”

“I think so,” Justin wrapped his arm around the now pouting man’s neck and leaned into Brian’s side.

“But . . . but . . . but, that’s just not FAIR! And, why? Why me, huh?” Brian whined, letting his head tilt to the side enough that he could rest it against Justin’s forehead. “Haven’t I already been through enough? It’s just. Not. FAIR!”

Justin didn’t think there was a good way to answer that statement so he contented himself with just petting Brian’s hair and leaving a few small kisses on the man’s cheek and jawline. He knew that Brian would work through that part on his own just fine. If that was all that they had to worry about, Brian would eventually come around and all would be beer and skittles. Too bad there was still one other aspect of the situation that Brian hadn’t yet contemplated.

They sat there like that for two or three minutes without either saying anything. Justin held on tight to Brian, being supportive with his mere presence. It didn’t take long for the older man to work through all the permutations of the problem and then come bumping up against the one sticky part of the equation, though. Justin could feel it in the way Brian tensed up as soon as he reached that point. The young blond knew what he was thinking, because he’d already got there himself, and he just held on tighter to Brian.

“Shit, Justin . . . When?” Brian asked, turning to look at his partner with a new level of worry in his hazel gaze.

“Yep. That’s the big question, I’m afraid. When . . .” Justin replied, trying not to sound at all judgmental, even though the very thought had been eating at him incessantly for a couple of days already. “When AND who?”

“Uhhhhhh! This is just so fucked up! I can’t . . . I can’t believe . . . I mean, I don’t even remember Hunkalicious’ name. He was just some other model . . . or maybe a tv star or something. I don’t know. But it can’t be, Justin. It can’t be him. Can it?” Brian was in all-out whining mode now.

“Hunkalicious?” Justin scoffed at the nickname. “Really, Brian?”

“Well, he WAS fucking hot,” Brian sounded ashamed enough, even as he said it, that Justin didn’t think he really needed to comment further. “But he was also straight and basically a total idiot. So, please, there’s no way . . . It just . . . It can’t be him.”

“Straight? But . . .” Justin started to ask, but then decided he probably already knew what Brian’s reaction would be. Only Brian Kinney could get a straight guy to switch teams that fast. “Brian, you really do need to control that Stud Power of yours. You’re a fucking menace - you know that, right?” That earned Justin a tiny little smile out of Brian. Which was dashed when Justin said the next thing that he knew needed to be acknowledged, no matter how unpleasant it was. “And there’s also Taggart . . .” Brian went so still that, for a moment, Justin wasn’t sure he was even still breathing. “I know you want to believe nothing happened with Taggart, but we can’t really be sure of that. You don’t remember anything about those weeks so, unfortunately, we can’t completely rule him out either.”

Brian was mutely shaking his head, unwilling to accede to even the possibility that the man who’d abducted him and kept him drugged for two weeks could be the one. It was just too much for his still fragile psyche. The mere idea was abhorrent.

“Justin, I can’t . . . I don't think I can do this,” Brian's voice sounded so small and scared.

Justin crawled all the way into the larger man’s lap so that he could wrap Brian's now trembling body even more securely in his arms. “Yes, you can. You're going to be just fine, Brian. You're not in this alone. I promise. No matter what happens, I won't let you go through this alone.”

Brian just sat there with his eyes closed, clinging mutely to the teen like Justin was his only remaining anchor to reality, for at least ten more minutes. Justin hated that he couldn't do anything other than hold Brian. He couldn't make it all magically go away. All he could do was hold on and hope he was strong enough to hold Brian together until Brian could do it himself.

“Shit!” The whispered word rang out in the silence of the room like a pronouncement of doom.

“It's not that bad, Brian. It'll be okay. Somehow, it'll all be okay.” Justin promised, leaving another reassuring kiss on Brian's cheek. “Tell me what you're thinking, Brian. How can I help? What do you want to do? How are you feeling right now?”

“Actually, right now I feel like puking again. For real this time,” Brian stated, pushing Justin off his lap and running to the bathroom for another session with his porcelain friend.