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Justin arrived in Pittsburgh in record time, possibly breaking every traffic law imaginable. His trip to Rochester, New York had been more productive in more ways than expected; his renewal of his old relationship with Jason Dumas, yielding unexpected results. The problem wasn't that Brian never told Justin about Jason-they had their own lives after all-but that Jason never said a fucking word about Brian. He'd known who Justin was to Brian Kinney even back when they'd first met while he was in Hollywood and he never said a fucking word. He had never felt like such a fool in his life. While on his way back to the Pitts, he'd made what he termed a mistake of the first order by checking his messages while stretching his legs.


The first message had been a frantic one from Daphne advising that she quit her job and was moving back to Pittsburgh. Although he was tempted to call her right then, he knew the conversation would take more time than he had right then if he was going to reach Pittsburgh by nightfall. So he'd resolved to call her the minute he reached the house. The second message was two-fold and both of them thoroughly and belatedly pissed him off. The first was from Brian, asking how far he was from home and that he had something he wanted to discuss with him. Okay- although it was a little ominous, it was still fine. Nothing possibly detrimental to Justin's sanity stood out in Brian's voice immediately. The problem came with the email and the attachment which chose to make an appearance. Fucking Jason Dumas had sent quite a few photos of Justin sleeping at his house, some of which featured Jason behind Justin as he slept. Then there were the pictures of Justin in the shower. It wasn't that Brian would have a problem with Justin sleeping with Jason- it was the implication of in the positions. Fuck! It didn't help that Justin, who never wore cologne smelled suspiciously of Jason's. The subject of the email was: Now we've both had him. WHAT?!?!?! The next time he ran into Jason Dumas it was going to be with a huge fucking fist leading the way.


There was no question at all that Justin needed to release some steam before facing Brian. As always his relationships-or non-relationships- were beyond fucked up. It wasn't the first time Justin found himself in the middle of one of said fucked up situation concerning Brian's exploits. There was the time he'd had sex with Adam Lyons after his first art show in New York. When Adam had joked afterward about the prowess of Pittsburgh men and Justin had asked what he meant, Adam had mentioned Brian's name. It turned out that he was the ad executive who had suggested Brian go for the job in New York. How ironic that Justin only royally fucked Adam's bottom to forget Brian. Adam had publicly called him the "young blond twink with the porn-worthy dick" and from then Justin had never lacked for companions. He was like a magnet and ass had never been hard to come by. It was easy to fuck his way through the five boroughs remaining aloof and mysterious. No one knew just how broken his heart had been.


Pulling into the parking garage across from Babylon, Justin sat a moment processing the events which led him to the den of sin. There was no doubt or question that he was going to feature in the backroom. It would be the first time in a long while he appeared in there. He was usually in the company of the Infamous Top Brian Kinney but Justin had his own reputation to live up to. He went through his mental catalog of who he'd fucked although there was plenty in the club who he hadn't but he didn't want to be guilty of fucking a person more than once. It was how he and Brian operated and he'd broken that rule back when he was young, dumb and full of come with Ethan. He didn't want a repeat performance.


Finally deciding on the type of fuck buddy he wanted, he made his way into the entrance bypassing the line as he always did. 


The inside of the club was as it always was on most nights- filled to capacity with half-naked, sweaty men and a few fag hags or lesbians who just didn't want to be in the dyke crowd for the night. Stopping by the bar briefly to grab a double JB, Justin moved through the grinding throng, smiling at some while assessing others. If he was honest with himself he would have looked for a man about six-foot-two, auburn hair and hazel eyes but at that moment he needed something completely different from the man who had occupied every facet of his life. Gripping the hand of the man who happened to be grinding his dick into him while at a standstill in the thick crowd, Justin looked up into eyes as blue as a summer sky housed in a tall, bald and handsome package of caramel skin. Yeah...He'll do. Maintaining eye contact, Justin tossed his head subtly toward the back room. He didn't give a shit what the strangers name was; he just wanted to ream him, not build a relationship. 


Finally reaching their destination, Justin lead him to one of his favorite spots- a narrow corridor under blue lights with the clear heavy strips usually found in meat packing buildings. For some reason, Justin always found that area of the Backroom appealing and erotic. It catered to his exhibitionist tendencies and vaguely reminded him of the time Brian had fucked his mom's minister. Justin dodged the bald guy's attempts to kiss him as he settled him face first into the corner.


"I always do the fucking, Blondie," he said. His voice was gruff but in a seductive way.


"Well then we have a problem, Baldy because so do I," Justin responded softly while dropping his companion's pants. He applied a hard smack to the firm ass in front of him eliciting a deep groan from the stranger. "Yeah. I know you like having your ass smacked so bend over," Justin taunted. 


Anyone looking on wouldn't have believed sweet little Justin could be so forceful and command instant obedience. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out the lube and condom he habitually walked with- a lesson he had learned early on in his dealings with Brian Kinney. He took his time preparing the guy, whispering all manner of nasty things in his ear; seducing him within the brink of orgasm. Justin positioned himself , gripping one of the most broad set of shoulders he'd ever held onto and plunged himself halfway in. He heard the breath leave his companion and held himself still although it was a struggle to do so. He wanted to fuck, to take out his frustrations in the tight ass encasing his cock but he didn't want to put the guy in the hospital. He eased himself out a little but not completely then pushed in again, working his hips more forcefully until he was buried deep. Once again Justin held himself in check allowing for the man to adjust to him. He was not small by any means or stretch of the imagination and he knew it. He only moved again when his partner of the hour began begging and moving himself back and forth onto Justin. All Justin could feel was relief at that point. 


He settled into an easy rhythm, enjoying the flux and flow but listening for tell-tale signals to tell him when to back off. He didn't want his trick coming too soon. Justin closed his eyes to fully enjoy the feel of the tight ass meeting him thrust for thrust, losing himself in the mindless sensation of fucking. "Don't come yet," he whispered to his partner who was beginning to moan steadily.


"You neither, Sunshine."


Justin's eyes snapped open, thinking he'd imagined that sex-husky voice. He hadn't. Brian stood behind him watching at first, then moving behind him. Justin felt the cool air on his neck which was quickly replaced by the feel of hot breath and sensual lips. Justin closed his eyes again, letting out a little gasp at the nip Brian applied. He felt his rhythm falter momentarily; heard the little chuckle from behind. Justin reached into his pocket and gripped the lube knowing instinctively that Brian was wordlessly demanding it. He pressed it into his lover's hand continuing to fuck the man in front of him. He groaned at the first contact of Brian's fingers rimming his hole, preparing Justin in earnest for his entry. He pushed back into the slickness silently begging for them to plunge into him. He was never such a butt-slut unless it was for Brian Kinney and Brian knew it. He heard the tear of a foil wrapper as his excitement continued to increase and he continued to plunge into the tight ass in front of him. Draped across the trick's back, he nearly creamed as he felt Brian entering him. 



Brian saw when Justin had rushed through Babylon in search of a trick and finding him rather quickly. Watching him underneath the blue lights, he was reminded of when Justin had first broken up with Ethan and he needed to regain his equilibrium. Back then, both of them were just content to indulge in eye-sex, each wishing the other would make a move. Brian remembered Justin biting that luscious bottom lip while visually and mentally trading places with the trick who was sucking his dick. In return, Brian was thinking about being enclosed within Justin's hot channel. They both came simultaneously as they often did but not with each other. So when Brian followed him to the backroom debating on whether to seek his own comfort in advance of the argument he knew was bound to happen later, he was surprised Justin had picked the same spot he'd been years earlier with a trick who looked similar to the other- only this one was taller and leaner than the last.


Justin was so absorbed, he hadn't known that Brian was behind him. He only knew he felt his presence which always happened whenever they occupied the same space but he wasn't sure where.  

He stood in the shadows watching the tension drain from Justin, noticed the little wrinkle in his forehead as he concentrated on receiving pleasure and giving it in return. Justin moved smoothly, knowing when to go hard and when to back off. He always gave Brian credit for teaching him to become a memorable top but Justin was a natural. All Brian did was help refine his skills. While continuously watching Justin's ass pump back, forth and around into the trick, the harder Brian became. There was no question he enjoyed fucking Justin but he'd always found the dominant side of Justin an aphrodisiac as well. 


Brian entered Justin forcefully, not allowing time for him to adjust until he was seated fully within Justin's tight ass. He relished the gasping moan that escaped his man as Brian unerringly hit the nub at the bottom and held himself still right there while Justin kept fucking his partner of the hour. 


"Oh God," Justin moaned out.


"I'm flattered but no- not God. Just Brian," he said chuckling.


"Smart ass," Justin gasped out. "Just fuck me already."


"Why, Sunshine? You seem to be doing just fine all on your own. My cock sure appreciates your efforts," Brian whispered on the heel of a little escaped moan. No matter how many times he had Justin- no matter how many ways, he would never get tired of him. 

Brian couldn't stop his hips from pumping into Justin's, nor could he stop the groan from feeling Justin clench around him. Every time Justin contracted his abs to push into the nameless guy, he felt the movement on his cock. It was a skill Brian had never taught him- not even from their first night together- but no bottom had ever satisfied him the way Justin had because of it. It seemed to be uniquely his and if Brian had his way, no one would ever find out about it again. Connor James was one thing and that happened many years ago but that was then...


The trick had come advising Justin he couldn't take anymore which was just as well since he no longer had a purpose. He stood off to the side watching Brian and Justin, who began fucking hard and fast. Brian gripped Justin's waist so tight he knew there would be bruises but Justin hadn't uttered a complaint. Instead he kept challenging Brian, pushing his ass back harder causing Brian to go deeper inside him. Justin extended one of his hands to the front wall the trick had just vacated while the other reached back pulling at Brian's hair. Justin pulled his head down kissing him ferociously. Brian responded in kind, shoving his tongue into the hot cavity of Justin's mouth. All the world around the two of them had gone silent; nothing else mattered except how hard they could come and the connection that stayed with them long after they finished fucking. Brian plunged again, snapping his hips at the forward motion. He swallowed Justin's gasp and repeated the action, striking the prostate every time. 

Detaching his lips from Justin's, he stared into blue orbs daring Justin to break the connection. "You'll remember that this ass is mine, won't you?" Brian punctuated each word with a twist of his own hips causing a deep groan to escape Justin. He did it again and again until Justin's sounds of satisfaction became soundless gasps and moans. He kept up the hard and fast rhythm feeling himself get closer to the brink. Goddamn, there was no one like Justin. "Come for me." The command was softly spoken but forceful in every way that mattered to the man he was holding. He watched Justin, felt the deep breath taken in and held; the tremors wracking the body pressed so tightly to him and the answering quake coursing through his own. 

"Fuuuucccckkkk," Justin wailed as Brian threw his head back and released himself in the tight ass which belonged to him. 

It took all of Brian's strength to hold Justin upright as well as himself. Sliding off the condom but not relinquishing his hold on his partner for a lifetime, Brian dropped it into the garbage can and buried his nose in Justin's neck. It wasn't until the world stop shaking for both of them that they heard the applause and shouts around them. With his forehead still against the wall, Justin began to laugh causing Brian to burst out laughing as well. 

"Looks like we had an audience," Justin said, beginning to adjust his pants and trying to control his mirth.


"Looks like," Brian said. "But we have matters to discuss, don't we?"


Justin nodded and Brian noticed the shadows in his eyes. There was something more to what they needed to talk about but Brian would wait until Justin was ready to say what it was. He owed him that. "I'll meet you at the house."


"Home," Brian corrected. "It's home."


"Yours," Justin said.


Yeah...and that was the very first thing they had to straighten out.  


   
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Ted sat silently listening to all of Michael's list of complaints regarding Cynthia and the fact that Brian hadn't called him. Business wise, he and Cynthia disagreed rarely; he wasn't so sure about the case regarding Michael. Cynthia wasn't aware of all the events which led to the estrangement between Brian and Michael- well at least he hoped she wasn't. But Michael hadn't seen Brian after Justin left nor after Brian had been in Justin's company only to have it snatched away by fate repeatedly. It was devastating to watch and even Ted couldn't ignore its effects on his boss and sometime friend. 


"I'm going to tell you one more time, Michael. Leave. It. Alone," Emmett said through clenched teeth, in a tone Ted had never heard from him before. 


"Why should I listen to you, Em? You don't know him," Michael said angrily.


"Look Michael, you don't know him anymore." Ted tried for diplomacy staving off the inevitable scathing tongue-lashing Emmett was about to deliver. Emmett Honeycutt was the most even-tempered person he'd ever known but Michael was pushing him to a place where only Ted had seen him once. The results would not be good.


"I know him a lot better than the two of you. Brian's always been blinded by Justin's charm and libido; always blind to that kid and his machinations. I'd always warned him that Justin was fucking trouble."


Ted nodded understanding what Michael was not saying but needing to hear his response anyway. "Let me ask you something Michael. Is the problem that Justin brings Brian happiness in a way you can't or aren't allowed to? Or is it that you're still jealous that Justin takes first priority in Brian's heart over you?" 


"That's ridiculous, Ted," Michael said indignantly.


"Is it?" Ted questioned quickly. "Because honestly Michael it sounds a lot like jealousy. Why is it so hard for you to accept that he has changed and that the part of Brian you thought you knew- the part we all thought we knew- may have just been a facade? Brian Kinney has always been a man of many faces but he was never a liar in words or deeds."


Emmett listened carefully to what Ted said to Michael, carefully gauging his reaction to Ted's phrasing. "Why is it acceptable for us all to grow and evolve while it's forbidden for Brian to do so?"

Michael sighed. "Look I understand what you two are saying but we all know that Justin is after Brian's money. He's always been a golden-haired gold-digger."


Ted and Emmett laughed loud and uproariously causing nearby people to stop dancing and look.


"So that's what's bugging you, Mikey?" Em sneered. "You think that the Bank of Brian will be closed now that his favorite bubble-butt is back on the scene. I never thought that I would be saying this but...Brian really needs to keep your friendship dissolved if you think him so fucking brainless. For the record, it's Brian's money to do with as he pleases--not yours. So you really need to mind your own damn business where he and Justin are concerned." Emmett turned away from them then finding Drew and leading him out to the dance floor.


"What's eating him?" Michael asked semi-shocked that he had just been spoken to that way by Emmett. 


"You are," Ted answered matter-of-factly. "Look, Michael, I understand your concerns and normally I would agree with you. However, I happen to know for a fact that this thing between Brian and Justin has absolutely nothing to with their individual net worth but it goes much deeper than that." Ted took a deep breath. "And whether you want to admit it or not, you know that, too. Theirs is a love that will not die or be silenced anymore. It was what the three of us-you, me and Em- were looking for and finally found. In Brian and Justin's case, they both fought it to a degree. When Justin was ready Brian wasn't."


"And now?" Michael asked impatiently.


"And now I think it may be the other way around to an extent. But make no mistake, Michael, they will end up where they were supposed to be which is together. It has always been inevitable from the night they met fifteen years ago. It was a surety even when Justin went off to New York and it is concrete now. They will find their way through whatever tries to tear them apart and won't be separated again but it will be on their own terms-not yours." Ted lifted his drink and moved off in the direction of the dance floor, leaving Michael to mull over the information.


"You think it will work?" Emmett asked him.


"I really don't know, Em, but let's hope my words got through to him. Otherwise Brian and Justin are in for another plot worthy of Puccini making an appearance in the form of Michael Novotny."



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Hold on,What's the rush?

We're not done are we?

Cause I don't need to change this atmosphere we made

If you can stay one more hour.

Can You stay one more hour?*


He walked into the house. Flames leapt from fireplace casting an otherwise dark house in a soft glow. The sounds of Coltrane filling the space told Justin much about Brian's mood. He only listened to it in extremely quiet moments when he needed to think or when he needed soothing. Based on what Jason did and said, Brian would definitely need soothing. It wouldn't matter to Brian that Justin hadn't slept with Jason, the implication was there through an email no less and all for the sake of a revenge Justin had nothing to do with directly; just because he was the one time mate of Brian Kinney. Justin tried to hate Jason all the way back to Pittsburgh but he honestly couldn't. He understood better than most how alluring Brian could be. He was an enigma but at the same time a powerful charisma rolled off of him like water off a duck's back. He was a man of contrasts and it hurt when one wasn't allowed to delve deeper to see beyond the legend to get to the man underneath the layers. No one understood that pain better than Justin.  


Sprawled on the sofa was Brian, well-defined arms thanks to the black wife-beater. Justin allowed himself the luxury of taking in his subject from an artist's eye. The 501s were open at that waist, hanging low on his hips and one of his bare feet hung negligently off the couch. A tumbler of Beam dangling from his hand but it wasn't in danger of falling onto the hardwood floor. He could tell by the rise and fall of Brian's chest he was awake. 


"You just gonna stand there?" The question came sardonically from the sensual lips he wanted to kiss in greeting but refrained from doing so. 


Moving further into the room, Justin stood behind the couch. His eyes couldn't help but drink in the sight he'd studied close up. "You want to talk now or wait?"


Brian turned the twisted the tumbler with nimble fingers causing a sensual reaction deep in Justin's stomach even though they were in a situation much like the one they'd found themselves in before with tragic results. Fourteen years ago, it was a glass of wine as Brian sat at his desk working. Justin had come in from picking up promo posters for the comic book. Brian had surreptitiously checked his watch due to the lateness of the hour. When he moved in for a kiss, Justin had pulled away citing that he got all sweaty working over a project. That project was Ethan Gold. And as he stood over Brian taking in his appearance, letting the sounds emitting from the stereo wash over him, he was conscious of the smell he carried from Jason Dumas.


"Mont Blanc smells good on you, you know." Brian said.


"How did you know?" Justin could still smell Jason's scent on himself from their hasty good-bye which would have seemed awkward not to have because of their known history among his friends.


"Oh you mean aside from the very informative email I received, today? I only know two people who wear the original Mont Blanc-one is dead and the other is Jason Dumas. I was with him when he picked it as his signature scent." Brian breathed deeply before continuing. "So you see, Justin, I've known him a lot longer than you and I also know what type of person he is..."


Justin laughed bitterly then. "You should since you two seem to be the same fucking people born just a few years apart."


"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Brian pushed himself off the couch to face Justin.


"Just what the fuck it sounds like. Secretive, closed off human beings if you could call yourselves that. More like fucking robots. Do anything, say anything, fuck anything," Justin taunted.


"Why does it matter, Justin since you've been doing the same thing?" 


"Hey I learned from the best, didn't I? The top graduate of Father Kinney's school for Runaway Boys." Justin regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. "Look, Brian I-"


"Save it. Sorry's bullshit," he cut him off. Brian narrowed his eyes slightly although his face was as stoic as it always was."Is that how you really feel, Justin? That I was closed off...to you of all people?"


"I'm not doing this with you, Brian." Justin turned to leave the room but was stopped by Brian's words.


"That's right. Do what you always do, Justin. Walk. Run. Leave. You should have fucking t-shirts made up since you corner the market on avoidance tactics."


"I never..."


"What-leave? You're sure? Because from where I'm standing it's always been that way, Justin. You don't hear or see what you want, you leave."


"Well when you push someone away enough times, the message to leave is pretty hard to ignore," Justin sarcastically spewed as he turned for the door again. 


Brian laughed. "I see you still haven't grown a set of balls?"


Justin turned back then. He noted the sardonic lift of Brian's eyebrow, the small smirk on his lips; his stance completely casual although Justin knew he was anything but. "You're right, Brian. Happy now? You're fucking right, I leave. Care to know why?" At Brian's slight nod, he continued. "Because I am never sure of you. Your actions say one thing, your lips say another thing or most of the time nothing at all and I got tired of it. One minute it felt like I knew you, then it felt like you were a fucking stranger and I got tired of it. You always wanted to know what drove me to Ethan so I'll tell you...YOU! All the signs were there, Brian. I was lonely, my self-esteem still wasn't quite back from having almost lost my fucking life and potential career..."


"You knew who I was, Justin. I didn't make a secret of it."


"No you didn't but I needed you and it was always something else. It was business-which I can kind of understand-but then there was Michael and the countless tricks and everything else. You took me for granted. Then Ethan came and regardless of his bullshit, I felt wanted, Brian. I felt desired and like I mattered. And for the record, it's not that Michael told you although he should have minded his own fucking business. It's that he knew the whole truth of what I was going through, the stuff that I couldn't tell you myself, and yet he just decided that the only thing...the only motherfucking thing worth knowing in the whole goddamn situation was that I was fucking around with Ethan. And you bought it, playing your twisted game of Tom and Jerry even knowing that something was wrong. You could have asked. I tried to tell you in the shower but I couldn't and the look on your face told me that you knew something was fucking wrong but you said nothing until after your game. Then let's talk about what the fuck happened at the Rage party, shall we? The one night-one fucking night-that should have been mine with you, you were fucking motherfucking Rage. That's what drove me into his arms, Brian. I had made my decision, I was there with you where I wanted to be and you couldn't keep your dick out of someone else's ass for one fucking night!" Justin was breathing hard from the anger. 


The details of that night still haunted him. It wasn't that he'd expected Brian to change. He didn't. It was that the hurt stayed with him and made him leery of all subsequent decisions regarding him and Brian. It was the core of his disbelief in them and that things would be and could be different.


"And are you tired now?"


Justin stood there not knowing the answer to the question-or more accurately-not knowing how to answer the question. Their entire relationship, he'd felt like a piece on a chessboard. At first it was a game of Kings and Queens with Brian-a game where Brian moved and Justin counter-moved. Ultimately, Brian kept breaking his own rules where Justin was concerned so the Queen had checkmated his King-to a degree at least. Then it became a game of the Rook fighting the Queen, where he always felt like he was fighting Michael for Brian's attention and affection all the while having to deal with the other fucked up elements of his life. It felt like he was always defending Brian and fighting for Brian by turns. Finally toward the end, he'd felt like a pawn-moved around, shifted and maneuvered to fit everyone's purpose regarding Brian but his own. And what was his purpose regarding Brian? That was the main question to be answered.


You know I'm going to find a way to let you have your way with me

You know I'm going to find the time to catch your hand and make you stay*


Brian stood silently watching the various emotions of hurt, anger, pain and finally insight play across Justin's face. He wanted nothing more than to confirm what he'd figured out ages ago but didn't want to influence Justin in any way. It had to be his choice. He had to choose Brian. By all accounts, it should have been an easy choice but it wasn't. Even Brian wondered at times if too much time had passed between them. He had given Justin the opportunity to fly, to soar under his own wind and it had cost him dearly. But if they had any hope of working, Brian knew that it had to be on Justin's terms and his alone. Sure, they both had bought into the bullshit the others said but ultimately it was Brian who held the door open and Justin who chose to walk through it. Brian stiffened his body as Justin finally answered.


"Yeah, Brian, I'm tired." Brian mentally slumped but still held his limbs in rigid check. He waited patiently knowing there was more. "But not for the reasons you may think. First let's get a few things straight."


"Should we sit down?" His feet were actually cold standing on the floor.


"I would rather stand but you can if you want to," Justin responded quietly, a slight smile on his lips. "You need a throw rug."


Brian shrugged as he settled on the sofa, pulling his knees up to his chest. "You can pick it out." When Justin opted to stand by the windows instead of sitting next to him, he was disappointed but understood. "Continue."


"Understand this Brian, I wanted a commitment, yes, but at the time I was young and thought it meant one thing when in terms of you and I, it should have meant something else. The whole syphilis episode scared me into thinking that monogamy would have suited us. It wouldn't have which I learned later after you turned into a pseudo-heterosexual Step-ford fag."


"I thought it was what you wanted."


Justin nodded. "So did I at the time."


"Is that why you balked at my use of the ‘C' word?" Brian couldn't stop the bright smile which sprang forth. Justin had been just about to treat him to another Rage blowjob when he'd asked if he would rather just cuddle. 


"Yeah. You would never mention the word cuddle much less do it. We never had before, it just wasn't our style. We rimmed, rammed, sucked, fucked and came until we passed out on top of or next to each other but we never cuddled. You'd changed and I didn't want that. I wanted the Brian Kinney I fell in love with-fucked up flaws and all-not Michael and Ben or God forbid Teddy." Justin shivered earning a sharp bark of laughter from Brian. "So at the time parting ways seemed the right thing to do; to regain our equilibrium so to speak."


"And did you regain your equilibrium?"


"Did you?" Justin shot back.


Brian knew Justin wanted honesty but the question was much too personal. Justin was the center of his life, the person that brought the balance. The funny thing was that Brian in his own way had always been the balance for their extended family, even though in recent years they barely saw each other. Although they didn't see him, he was still taking care of their needs behind the scenes. So the times he'd met with Justin, he felt restored, renewed-he gained strength although no one knew that but him. Telling Justin that though... "Yes."


" I haven't," Justin said. "Only every two years or so I felt balanced."


Brian tongued his cheek at the reply. It was the same way he'd felt but Justin unknowingly gave him an out to keep it to himself. "And now?"


Justin smiled back. "The jury is still out on that."


"Well you've had your moment to deliver some truth, so here is mine: there are things about my past, things I've never told anyone-not Lindsey nor Michael although both know bits and pieces. I don't believe in the institution of marriage. You know that but you really don't understand why. My father was a drunk-that you know-but he was also a lying, cheating son of a bitch. St. Joan didn't help matters with her being absolutely frigid. Colder and harder than any fucking statue, it was no wonder my father drunk as much as he did but it doesn't excuse the hateful home-if you could call it that-which they created. I never felt safe in it which is why I spent a lot of time at Mikey's." Brian took a deep breath before continuing. "Because of that, I never believed in keeping someone who didn't want to be kept. Now that's not to say, I didn't want to but I believe everyone has the right to live their lives as they see fit. Just because I may have wanted you to stay, I wasn't going to chain you to me. That's not living; that's entrapment. Each time we were ending, I knew and I let you go. But each time you came back it was because you thought you had no choice or out of some misguided notion of a debt owed when you don't owe me a fucking thing."


"That's not true," Justin protested.


"Yes it is," Brian said with conviction. "Fuck Justin, think about it. A month after the fiddler's lies caught fire, where did you come? For the record, I wasn't going to tell you that you were making a mistake because it was your life. You had to know and understand what the adage "Actions Speak Louder than Words," really meant and it was a lesson that I couldn't teach you. You had to see for yourself. Then there was Stockwell and my subsequent almost poverty. I always credit you with helping me to start that firm, you know." He smiled slightly. Although it was one of the darkest moments of his life, Sunshine had helped him keep his spirits up and dream a new dream for himself even if he did turn into a Jewish mother sometimes. "Then cancer came knocking and I tried to kick you out because I didn't want you there out of some twisted sense of obligation. You stayed anyway and I didn't like it but I was too weak to fight with you. To you it was a ‘commitment' but to me I was tying you down. Then Hollywood called. You went, saw and almost conquered but then you came back. You began to want more than what I was prepared to give, so you left. And the rest is history. We have always been on a fucking see-saw, Justin."


"Maybe, Brian but you always called the shots."


"That may be true but you held the gun, Justin. The decision to stay or go has always been yours to make." They were silent for a time, each lost in his own thoughts about the revelations of the evening. "Look, the good thing is we're pretty much on equal footing now. You have your success which is still growing and I have mine. It wasn't an issue for me when you didn't have it but I can understand now why it was an issue for you. So the question now is, what do you want to do? I know what I want, but do you?"


Brian walked toward Justin, in no hurry to get to him but still needing to be near him. Taking Justin's right hand in his, he massaged the stiffness from muscles as he used to when the hand gave his lover trouble. Brian continued his ministrations feeling Justin's gaze on him. Hazel met blue and he could see that Justin really did want to trust him- wanted to believe in them again but Brian wasn't going to tell him what to do. That was part of the problem in the past. Justin would ask for guidance instead of searching within himself for his own answers. The results had cost them years...so many years and yeah they were both successful but they still stayed stuck within the box the people who supposedly loved them put around them. 


"Right now, I want a sandwich, a shower and sleep," Justin said smirking. "The rest we can deal with later."


Brian nodded. Pulling Justin to him hard and fast, he kissed him thoroughly relishing in the sounds his tongue pulled from Justin. The one thing that would always be clear was fucking was never going to be an issue between them. 

I don't care what clothes you wear, it's time to love and I don't care

You know I'm going to find a way to make you stay*

 

*Find a way- Doug Brown    

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