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What have I done?

 

Sweet Jesus, what have I done?

 

Become a thief in the night

 

Become a dog on the run

 

And have I fallen so far

 

And is the hour so late*

 

 

 

Michael woke up making a beeline for the toilet. Upchucking the contents of his stomach, he tried his damnedest to remember the events of last night and what he possibly could have eaten that made him so sick. The rest of him felt as if he'd been a meat locker but he decided it could just be from worshipping the porcelin god which he couldn't seem to stop doing. As stayed there kneeling, his mind was a jumble of images that he couldn't make sense of except a few. Brian was for all intents and purposes married to Justin. 

 

He rolled his head, and stuck his head in toilet to empty more of the contents of his stomach. He remembered a corner in the living room, which looked like the corner outside of Babylon. But that didn't make sense! Brian's living room was always impeccably furnished. No way he would allow Babylon into his inner sanctum. 

 

He laughed at the notion as more pieces of the puzzle began to uncloud within his tired, and decidely overwrought mind. Pictures everywhere- both photographs and paintings of Brian and Justin. Well that sort of made sense. Michael briefly recalled when Brian had done something like that for him when he turned thirty and had given him a party. Fuck my stomach hurts like a bitch. What the fuck did I eat? 

 

Continuing to dry heave, Michael flushed the toilet quickly before he had the urge to throw up again. Making his way over to the sink, he turned on the water and washed his hands. He hand cupped some of the water into his mouth, wincing at the sudden stinging he didn't notice before when he was bowed over the bowl. He continued to rinse and splashed a little water on his face trying to make sure there weren't any remnants of the disgust he'd just witnessed pouring out of himself. He finally decided to check the mirror, to make sure it was all gone....

And let out the most blood-curdling scream.

 

Ben knew the exact moment Michael discovered the raw meat his face looked like. He was hard pressed not to laugh outright, settling for a slight chuckle before rolling his body out of the comfortable bed. By the time he reached the bathroom, Debbie and Carl as well as Daphne and Troy had reached their room. Ordinarily, he might have had a problem with them entering without knocking, but he found he couldn't give a hell that they had and chalked it up to his feelings regarding the man in the bathroom. Michael's cries for Ben to come to him altered between anger and bewilderment.

 

Instead he calmly stated to the group, "I think Michael has discovered some of the consequences of his actions."

 

"Well aren't you going to go answer him, Ben?" Debbie asked accusingly.

 

"I don't feel like it, Debbie but you're welcome to if you'd like."

 

"But you're his husband-" she the rest of her thought as she looked up into the angry eyes of Ben.

 

She'd seen him angry before, especially in the midst of Roid Rage when Vic was alive. Then she'd witnessed it again briefly at the hospital when she had been so panicked about Michael dying from the bombing. She'd seen it the night of the rally following the Babylon, when some religious fanatic said that Michael should have died and Ben had lost his temper. But she had never seen him with so much anger that encompassed both hurt and hate. She heard the restraint and tension in his voice when he responded to her.

 

"I don't exactly need you to tell me of my maritial obligations, Debbie. In fact, truth be told I have gone over and beyond the vows I took! But I'm done, Debbie. Do you hear me? I'm done!"

 

"Ben, I know you're upset but-"

 

Ben smiled tightly and shook his head. "Upset doesn't begin to cover it, Debbie. You know what...you should really go tend to Michael." Ben stepped aside and stood by where Daphne and Troy did. "Are you going to check on him, Daph?"

 

She emphatically shook her head. "I don't trust myself to do it, but Troy you should go just to make sure there are no fractures in his face."

 

He nodded and went to do her bidding, clearly not happy about it but Daphne was right. Michael needed tending and as one of two doctors in the house, one of them had to look.

 

"Sorry about you being woke up out of your sleep, Daph. I could have tried to prepare him since I felt when he ran for the bathroom but honestly, I don't want to speak to him."

 

She patted his shoulder. "I know, Ben but you're going to have to sometime. Let it be when you're ready to and don't allow yourself to be bullied before, okay?"

 

He hugged her close and kissed the top of her head. "Now I understand why you and Justin are friends."

 

"Really? Because I ask myself why we are all the time," she said, happy that she made him chuckle in return.

 

They turned their attention back to the bathroom, where Debbie was trying softly to reason with Michael to let Troy take a look at him while Michael kept demanding to know what the fuck happened.

 

"I don't know him, Ma," Michael whined. "What I want are some goddamned answers! Why does my face look like the raw meat hanging in the meat locker from Rocky? Who did this to me?"

 

"Michael, let Dr. Bradley clean you up and then we'll talk okay. I'm really worried about you, honey."

 

He was inclined to argue further but Troy had had enough. "Look we can do this the easy way or the hard way, Michael."

 

"Which is?" he said petulantly.

 

"Which is I can finish the job to make sure you need surgery on your face. Now hold still so I can see how much damage was done."

 

"Where's Daphne? I trust her. I don't know you."

 

"Well you don't have a choice because she sent me in here so that she wouldn't hurt you."

 

"Why on earth would she want to do that? I've never done anything to her."

 

Troy shook his head. "What's the last thing you remember, Michael?" It was possible that he had a concussion, which in conjunction with the amount of alcohol he took in, could be the cause of his temporary amnesia. He was certainly confused but from what Daphne had told him, that could have been his normal brain pattern.

 

"All I remember was being surrounded by pictures of Brian and Justin. The other things going through my head don't make much sense. In fact, I'd like to go lay back down now."

 

"That's not a good idea, Michael. We have to get the swelling down around your eyes and lips especially. Do you hear any ringing in your ears?"

 

Michael as well as the assemble party grew quiet so that Michael could answer truthfully. "No. I don't think I do."

 

"That's good. I know by the smell in here that you've already vomited, but do you still feel nauseaous?"

 

"Accept for the occasional dry heave, no."

 

"Any pressure in your head?"

 

"A kick ass headache."

 

That's because you got your ass kicked, is what Troy almost said. Instead he asked, "Do you see stars?" he already knew that Michael was talking funny, but he couldn't tell yet if it was because of his swollen month. Justin was not playing with Michael. For all intents and purposes, Michael looked like Dolph Lundren after Rocky finished with him. He knew there was a reason why he was still mildly obsessed with those movies and boxing in general.

 

Daphne entered the bathroom, carrying serveral emergency ice packs that didn't require freezing and two moderately hot tea bags. She methodically cracked the ice packs, and shook them while looking at Michael. Troy noticed her focus and was hard pressed not to chuckle. Consequently, Michael also noticed her look at she handed the ice packs to Troy. Something instinctively must have warned him to stay quiet because although he looked at her, he didn't say anything. Debbie who was still present, was also silent...and also watched the normally gentle Daphne. Her anger was no surprise or secret to those who had vivid memories of the events of the night. All Michael felt was confused.

 

"Where's the ibuprophen, Daph?" She wordlessly handed the bottle from the pocket of her pajama pants. Then turned on her heel to leave the bathroom, without speaking one word. When she left, Michael could no longer resist speaking. "What the fuck's her problem?"

 

"Michael, baby, I don't think you want to know just yet. Why don't we try to let the swelling go down a bit, and then we'll fill in the blanks for you."

 

"Ma, I'm not a child. I want to know what the hell's going on and why my husband refuses to come into this bathroom. Everything is so fucking strange."

 

Carl who had been silent said, "Deb, maybe you should tell him. At least he's in the bathroom in case he'll want to throw up again."

 

"Carl!"

 

"Deb!"

 

She instantly silenced. Carl had never spoken to her that way.

 

"Will someone please just tell me what the hell is going on?" Michael begged them.

 

Carl answered despite the dirty side-eye he received from Debbie. "YOU got drunk during Brian and Justin's wedding. YOU arranged for Ethan Gold to show up. YOU said mean and hateful things to Justin. YOU got deserved what you got, which is the rearranged face you're nursing right now. Justin was well within his rights since you insulted him at his wedding in his home. I'm done."

 

"Brian's home," Michael said automatically, and the assembled group sighed at the hopelessness of the man in front of them.

 

Daphne spoke for all of them. She'd had more than enough of Michael Novotny-Bruckner. "Listen, you obsessed pain in my ass, and get this through your head... Brian and Justin are together. Justin's name is on the deed, which is why the house is called Britin and not Brian's. You are such a pathetic, insignificant prick! I understand why he felt loyal to you but if he still does, he's a goddamn fool! If there is one thing I know about Brian Kinney is that he is nobody's fool. You had the absolute fucking nerve to interfere with their wedding by inviting that greasy, slimy, rat-bastard motherfucker into their home, then spewed your own venom at Justin of how he should have died in the bashing! Do you know what you may have done to him? I won't ask if you care, because you're too selfish and stupid to care about someone other than yourself-"

 

"Who do you think you're talking to, Daphne? You don't have a right to speak to me that way!" Michael ranted.

 

"I have every fucking right. You are in MY HOUSE, bought and paid for by ME and you will shut the fuck up and listen! And the only reason you are here and not walking your ass back to Pittsburgh is as a courtesy to Debbie, Ben and yes Carl as well because his wife would have made it his obligation to see your worthless and sorry ass safe. You have done more than overstep this time, Michael and I hope you're prepared for it. I mean really....did you not think, even if you weren't drinking yourself into a damn coma and told on yourself, that we wouldn't have figured out that you invited Ethan?! Are you really that stupid? Or did you think that it was going to be another case of forgive and forget? You were probably just arrogant enough to believe that all your lies and manipulations over the years wouldn't catch up with you; that you would be wiped clean, yet again, by your mother who still even now can't accept the wrong you've done or by Brian who loved you like a brother and probably still does but would never go against his husband. And what about your own husband? No you couldn't be bothered to do right by him because you were too busy chasing a dream- a vision that was never destined to come true! You were never an option for Brian! He needs someone intelligent and brave; someone able to hear the things he has to say and offer wisdom and perhaps even a little guidance. THAT IS NOT YOU!!! It will never be you! It has never been you! Fucking deal with it!" Daphne left the bathroom in a high temper.

 

"My God, is she going to be alright?" Debbie asked. She had never heard or seen Daphne act like that. She was always such a sweet person. It unnerved her to hear the things Daphne said to her son, a lot of which she in good conscious could not disagree with and that saddened Debbie.

 

Troy knew where she was going before she actually did hit Michael Novotny. "Don't worry, Ms. Debbie. Daphne is going to be just fine after she hits the heavy bag for awhile."

 

Ben chuckled. "Daphne's into boxing?"

 

"More than you or I could ever imagine, Ben. I think if she had stayed we would have had an even bigger problem on our hands than what Justin did tonight. I'd better go check on her." Troy left a few final instructions, advising Debbie to make sure he doesn't take the ice packs off for the next five minutes.

 

That nothing remains but the cry of my hate?

The cries in the dark that nobody hears,

Here where I stand at the turning of years

If there's another way to go

I missed it twenty long years ago...*

 

All was silent within the bedroom and bathroom after Troy made his exit. Wll at least it was until Michael finally broke his. "I'm sitting here, trying to figure out how you all could let her say the things she said to me. She doesn't know Brian as well as she thinks she does. He'll forgive me."

 

Ben just hung his head and laughed. "You are so fucking unbelievable, Michael. You ruin what was supposed to be the happiest night of Brian and Justin's life; you invited Ethan Gold...Christ, how delusional are you?! You have been literally been interferring in their relationship since the beginning- even before I came on the scene- yet you expect either one of them to forgive you?"

 

"I don't give a shit whether Justin does or not. I exposed him. That's all that matters."

 

"All that matters, huh?" Ben nodded his head. "Well here's something else that should matter, although I suspect you won't give a shit. I'm taking you back to Pittsburgh in a couple of hours, and then I'm going to attend the reception of Brian and Justin that I was invited to. By the time I return to Pittsburgh tomorrow night, I want you and everything you own out of my house."

 

"Wait Ben, you can't mean that--"

 

"I mean every word, Debbie. Do you know what your son was thinking about and why he was hell-bent on getting Brian away from Justin?" Ben's voice cracked as he answered his own question. "He was planning that he would be with Brian after I died off."

 

"Is that true?" Debbie asked shocked, and not a little hurt for Ben. Michael didn't answer. "Oh my God, Michael Charles Novotny, how could you?"

 

"It doesn't even matter now, does it Michael? Only the prize you thought you were going to get, was never yours in the first place. He always belonged to someone else, but you just couldn't be content with the good man you had. Well that's okay, Michael. It really is."

 

"You can't get rid of me that easily, Ben," Michael said.

 

"Can't I though? It was how easily you were willing to discard me, but again that's okay."

 

"It's my house, too!"

 

"No, no Michael, it isn't. My name is the only one on the deed. We were supposed to see a lawyer about changing documents over next week, but apparently you've forgotten. Yes we are legally married, but we didn't have time to redo everything because you had the Comic-Cons in Florida, Vegas and L.A. that you had to attend for the promotion of Rage. By the way, I hope Justin decides to sue you for his portion of the earnings to the series."

 

"Ben, why would you say something like that?"

 

"Because it's true, Debbie. The one thing Michael never told you was that Justin had drawn ten more issues of the comic. After he collected a percentage off the top, he allowed Michael to keep the rest of the profit. It's how we've been able to keep his store open, because the money doesn't just come from in-house sales but from Amazon and Ebay, which Justin set up under Michael's name as the sole propietor. He had his attorney draw up papers, and Ted redirect the money from Justin to Michael and has been doing that for years once his goal of becoming a millionaire was reached. He actually looked out for your son- the same man who performed a betrayal worse than anything Shakespeare could have written. I hope he's proud of himself."

 

The magnitude of what he'd done finally began to register with Michael as Ben finished. "I need to call Brian."

 

"For what? He isn't going to want to hear anything you have to say," Ben said, shaking his head. "It's like a running tape with you."

 

"Michael, maybe you should give him a few days," Debbie tried to reason.

 

"No. No one knows him like I do, and Daphne is wrong. He will speak to me! He has to!"

 

Ben and Carl threw their hands up and left the bathroom even as Michael accepted his cell phone from Debbie and dialed the number.

 

It rung and went to voice mail. Michael stopped the call and dialed again. The same results happened again. After a half an hour he gave up, thinking that he would just speak to him tomorrow. Never realizing that the call was deliberately ignored...which it was.

 

Yet why did I allow this man

To touch my souls and teach me love?

He treated me like any other

He gave me trust and called me brother...*

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Brian had woke up to an empty bed when his phone first rang. He knew the ringtone instantly, and slid the icon to the ignore side of the touchscreen. He wasn't prepared to deal with Michael...not right then.

 

"You should just go ahead and answer it. You know he won't stop calling until you do," Justin said, as he puffed on his cigarette staring out over the backyard from the window seat.

 

Brian always enjoyed the sight of Justin naked but the moon was out and shone directly on his husband giving him an almost ethereal glow. He wished he could sneak a picture of Justin but there was no way with the house as quiet and Justin fully awake.

 

"Why don't you come back to bed, Justin? Your spot is cold and it's making me chilly. Come warm me up" he asked from his position still on the bed.

 

Justin didn't move and it was then that Brian recalled feeling Justin shift restlessly on top of him before his weight had disappeared. Brian had slept a bit longer until the blasted phone had woken him up, which just kept ringing. He reached over and shut it off. He shifted himself making to get off the bed when Justin spoke.

 

"Don't. Not yet, Brian."

 

Brian nodded. The only time Justin didn't want to be touched by Brian was after a nightmare. It usually took him awhile to come down from it. "You want to tell me about it?"

 

At first, Brian thought that Justin wasn't going to speak. He was surprised at what came out when he did. "You have to forgive him, Brian."

 

There wasn't a question of whom he was referring to. "How can you even ask me to do that? I mean, look at you. You're back to having nightmares again because of him. How can I pretend that nothing happened or that I'm not affected by it?" Brian couldn't sit still. Tossing the covers angrily, he got out of bed and stomped over to their liquor supply. He poured but in his frustration he didn't drink.

 

"Forgiveness, the act of it, is not for the other person- it's for you. Brian, whether either of us likes it or not at this point, Michael had been part of your life for more than twenty years. He's apart of you. I'm not saying you have to be friends ever again if that's your wish but you have to let this go."

 

"And what about you? Will you let it go? What about the things he said, which have once again started the damn nightmares of that time in our lives we try never to talk about? Can you forgive that?"

 

"I have to find a way to, Brian because if I don't it will change me. I never want to be the person I was while hanging out with Cody Bell again. I was angrier than I'd ever been at Chris Hobbs, mainly because I feared him even years after the initial incident. He took something very precious away from me- my courage to be who I am without excuse and apology. In his own way, Michael has taken something very precious away from you. If you don't forgive him, at least within yourself, you'll end up seeing shadows and ulterior motives where there aren't any. Trust is a very fragile thing with you, Brian. You think I don't know what it took or how long it took for me to regain yours back after my foolery? You think I don't know that every now and again the doubt that I will stray creeps into your mind? I will reassure you everyday if I have to but what happens when I have to go away on business again?"

 

"This is different, Sunshine."

 

Justin hopped off of the window seat and crossed the room where Brian stood in shadow. He laid a hand gently over Brian's heart, feeling the rhythmic steady beat of it- the lifeforce that always helped him out of his own dark places within himself. Brian had always been strong... a true lion in every sense of the word! But Justin knew Michael's betrayal cut deeper than he would ever admit.

 

"Is it? With ordinary people, I would probably agree. But you and I are not ordinary. We feel, channel and process things a lot differently than most; never forgiving or forgetting a slight or offense. It's who we are although I daresay, I'm better of than you in this regard. At least, I'll voice it now the minute it happens, whereas you bury it and let it fester. Tonight's situation with Michael is the exception for me.

"I probably would have let everything else slide had he not mentioned the bashing. It made me angry all over again. No, I don't regret hitting him- that actually made me feel good- but I do not like that I got that angry. I was back in my ‘Pink Posse' days, until you pulled me off of him. I felt the same rage back then. I will not tell you that you have to forgive him tomorrow, next week, next month or even next year. But it has to happen, so that it doesn't change the man I fell in love with under a street light all those years ago; the man I love to distraction even now with his well-concealed sensitive side-- the only one able to pull me out of the dark places within myself."

 

Brian nodded and buried his fingers in Justin's hair, inhaling the scent of Justin's shampoo and that essence that was uniquely his own. They would rise above it. They always did.

 

Portions of the Sililoquy of Valjean- Les Miserables*

 

 

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