Chapter 3- Sunshine State of Mind 

"Welcome back, Mr. Kinney."     

"Thanks, Oliver. How's New York been without me?" Brian smiled as Oliver chuckled in response.     

"Very dull, Sir. How long will you be staying with us this time?"     

"Not sure yet, Oliver. There's a pressing piece of business that it's past time I tend to."     

Oliver nodded seemingly in understanding. Because of Brian's frequent trips to New York- even when Justin was out of town- Oliver Jenks and Brian had become friends of a sort. If Brian needed anything so small as a Kleenex or as large as a yacht, Oliver knew how to get it. Being a manager at one of New York's premier hotels brought a lot of clout.      

"Will you need anything else tonight?"     

Brian shook his head, while smiling slightly. "Just my bed and pillow for tonight, Ollie. But tomorrow is another day."

He headed off to the elevator. Brian knew his bags were already in his room waiting for him thanks to the efficient staff upon check-in. The glass elevator sped upward for which Brian was ever grateful. He hadn't slept much, in the last few days. Anticipation of the next time he saw Justin, had been monopolizing his every thought, both day and night. 

More and more lately, Justin became Sunshine in his thoughts, which was not odd as much as unsettling. He hadn't thought of Justin by the name Debbie had given him, since he left the loft on Tremont behind ten years ago. It just didn't seem to fit the boy he once knew any longer at the time. After all, Justin was a New Yorker, regardless of his Pittsburgh roots; not usng the moniker just seemed the right thing to do. But ever since Brian decided to visit New York sooner than later, thinking of Justin as Sunshine had become as natural as breathing to him. 

Stepping off the elevator, Brian tipped the elevator attendant and headed off in the direction of his room. The hotel was quiet as ever, no sound from the busiest street in NYC penetrated its vaunted halls. Upon entering the empty suite, he removed his shoes while shedding his suit jacket. It was August and hot, but traveling first class one had to look as if they had been there before. It was a rule he adopted in high school, and it had never steered him wrong.

He unbuttoned his shirt, moving further into the suite. It was the one he usually stayed in when visiting. He crossed over to the window peering down into the traffic below. From his vantage point it looked like traffic was gridlocked. Thank Fuck he wouldn't hear any of the resulting car horns.

Feeling the immediate need to stretch his neck, shoulders and spine, he lifted his arm deciding he needed a shower immediately. August in New York was nice as long as there was an air conditioner handy at all times. He finally got the shirt peeled off, peeking briefly at the label. He smiled to himself as he thought back to his thirtieth birthday when Melanie had called him a "Label Queen." Not much had changed over the years, and it was still nothing but the best for Brian Kinney.

It was nice to have champagne taste with the money to match. But as he thought about that afternoon a little more, he realized that being forty-five and all he would have liked to have that "Deathday" cake moment back, and everyone else right along with it. Especially a particular someone. Heading toward the massive bedroom on the right side of the suite, he thought of best way to approach the subject with Sunshine. The last time he proposed everything was going according to plan until both realized their timing couldn't have been worse.

Justin had the chance to live the dream he'd had since high school, perhaps even before then, and he was willing to blow it off to be with Brian. Meanwhile, Brian was turning into a Stepford fag- the kind of husband he thought Justin wanted. Again, he smiled sadly as he stepped into the shower. Justin had called him on his bullshit as he often did. Eventually they called off the wedding and went their separate ways.

He was proud of Justin, who had even managed somehow to finish his Bachelor's of Fine Art degree and design a life for himself beyond what he could have imagined for himself. He had once accused Justin of not having big enough balls and in turn Justin had showed him just how big his balls really were. Hard choices and sacrifices had to be made, and it felt like he and Justin had paid astronomical prices for the dreams they carried. Sticking his head under the water, trying to wash away the feeling of loneliness enveloping him, he replayed the chance meeting in Toronto again for the hundredth time since they parted. God, it had already been almost a full year since they last laid eyes on each other.

Phone calls were few and far between because of the schedule Justin kept nowadays. But then, that was always the case in the Year after-Year syndrome Brian and Justin seemed to be stuck in. A year of trying to recover normalcy from seeing each other, followed by a year of anticipation of a predetermined date where they would be together again; it was mentally and emotionally exhausting! Brian shook his head to clear his thoughts. "Shit I must be getting fucking old to have become so fucking maudlin," he said aloud.   

Stepping from the shower, he walked over to the mirror. He hadn't aged, at least not to himself or to Ted who he saw everyday at work. Consequently, Cynthia and Ted were the only ones who knew he'd gone to New York. He hadn't even told Debbie who he saw regularly and still considered his "mama." He knew he could trust the two of them with Kinnetik as he'd always done, especially after the Babylon bombing ten years prior.     

"How long will you be gone?" Ted asked him.     

Brian had thought to tell him only a few days, but he wasn't sure of anything. So he opted to answer as truthfully as he could. "I don't exactly know, but I think I'll check out a few locations on Madison while I'm there."     

"Okay, and what do you want done about Brown and Iconix while you're gone? Also you had a meeting with Drew and Emmett that has to be moved."   

"The contracts for Brown and Iconix are on the desk. Have legal go over them with a fine tooth comb, and fax them back. As far as Drew and Emmett, ask if they're willing to SKYPE otherwise it's going to have to wait until I get back." Brian adjusted a few other files on his desk, detailing what they were to Ted in case he was unavailable.      

Ted held his head down, nodding and taking notes as Brian spoke. When Brian finished, Ted asked quietly, "You're going to see him, aren't you?"     

Brian looked at Ted. From the look in Ted's eyes, Brian knew there was no point in covering the truth. Ted was the first person he had told about the Testicular Cancer eleven years ago, and he had kept the secret allowing Brian to share his own news. Brian knew he could trust Ted with truth about Justin as well. "Yeah, I am but don't say anything, Theodore." At Ted's continued silence, Brian said, "I have no idea what's going to happen, or what he's going to say. What I do know is that I can't wait another year."     

Ted's answer surprised him. "Well then do what you've gotta do, Brian. I won't lie to you, and say that I didn't think you were a fool ten years ago letting him go in the first place. But I understood your reasons. However, you have to know that in doing so, you hurt yourself in the process."     

"Gee, thanks, Captain Obvious. Care to tell me more?" Brian rejoined sarcastically, earning a small chuckle from Ted.      

"Hey! You didn't let me finish," Ted said, clearing his throat, and growing serious again. "What you did took guts, but I also saw you after Justin left and have seen you every time you've come back from meeting him. Your life stops, and yes you cover it well for those who don't know you, or even those who think they do. You become a workaholic, which you pull off brilliantly. But the Brian Kinney I've come to sometimes love and more often than not loathe disappears for a time." He walked over to where Brian stood against the desk, touching his shoulder in support. "You have to do whatever is right for you this time, Bri."     

Brian laid there in the king-size bed, thinking of the subsequent events from that conversation. He grabbed his garmet bag, not bothering to look inside. He always kept a suit handy in case of impromptu trips, which became a habit since landing the Brown Athletics account when working for Vangauard eons ago. Then he stuffed a small overnight bag, figuring if he needed anything beyond what fit in it, he would just buy it in New York. Even now, he remembered the urgency he felt within himself, telling him to hurry up...

He did, practically running for the boarding gate. But as he laid there in the still quietness of the hotel room, while staring up at the red, white and blue top of the Empire State Building- the only light in the darkened room- he wondered just what the fuck to do next.