JUSTIN

Ryan was playing in his sandbox, while I sat here thinking about my mom and sister. Brian made me want to ask them, why didn't they contact me? It's always been a miracle to me that reporters never managed to find out where I came from. I just avoided talking about my family the way I did about Ryan. I also didn’t do shit that had them looking for a sound bite. I doubt Grandma Deb realizes she saved me that day. It's was such a small thing she did, but it changed my mindset that day.

I had gone into the diner wondering if my life mattered anymore. I kept thinking if I was gone, no one would care, because it was like I disappeared in my father's eyes the minute I said I was gay. He no longer saw me as his son. I sat there watching this woman run back and forth, saying something to each person as if she knew them. She never looked down on a single person who walked in, the way I've seen people I was raised with do. Instead she remembered their orders and everything about them.

She came by, dropping off water and telling me to yell when I was ready. She was so full of life that it made me smile, just watching her. She looked at me and sat in front of me.

“That's some smile you got, Sunshine. I like it better than the way you looked coming in here. Just know there's always something better around the corner. It's never as bad as you think it is.” She told me.

“It feels like the end of the world lately,” I told her.

“Sweetheart, life serves us shit on a plate, it's up to you to know you don’t deserve it.” She commented.

“My father thinks me being gay means I'm no longer his son,” I told her.

“Then go out and show him he's wrong. Make every day greater than the last one. Shine so bright it hurts his eyes to see you. I know it’s hard when it’s your family, but you can’t let anyone make you doubt your worth in the world. If they can’t accept you, make your own family out of the love you have to give to someone worthy of it.” She tells me.

Brian thinks I remember her because of a burger, but it’s because she kept me breathing that day. With a few kind words she gave me a reason to go on, and in a way, she’s responsible for Ryan. I had him because I wanted a family to share the love she told me I was worthy of.

“Brian’s here, Daddy,” Ryan tells me.

Brian parked his jeep and got out. “I need to ask you a question. I don’t want you to feel like I’m adding more problems, but my son wants to meet you.” He tells me.

“How do you see that as a problem?” I ask.

“This is the place you go to get away from fans, my son is a big fan.” He tells me.

“I don’t have a problem with your son coming here,” I tell him.

“He still wants to take you to lunch.” He tells me.

“Tell him it’s a date,” I answer him.

Brian went over to where Ryan was playing and sat down, digging with him. “What are you doing here?” Brian asks when Ryan filled a bucket and dumped it, covering his trucks.

“Taking it to the silo.” Ryan answers.

“Tom takes him every year to see what they do with the harvest.” I tell Brian.

“Daddy, my tummy needs food,” Ryan tells me, getting up and taking Brian’s hand to drag him with us.

“I guess you're having lunch with us,” I tell him, as he lets Ryan pull him into the house.

BRIAN

I called Lindsay while Justin was putting lunch on the table to let her know to send Gus. She told me Michael was driving them all up a wall. Justin started laughing every time I changed what I wanted to say to something Ryan wouldn’t get in trouble for repeating. I spent a lot of time in time out for the many words Gus picked up listening to me deal with clients, and I didn’t need Justin kicking my ass for teaching them to Ryan.

“Not that I mind any sort of sucking, but toes are just a bit too wild for me. Although ‘son of a biscuit’ only makes Ryan look for a biscuit.” He tells me, trying to contain his laughter when Ryan started looking all over the table.

“Biscuits?” Ryan asked.

“No biscuits, how about toast and cheese?” Justin asks him.

“Okay, biscuits tomorrow?” He asks.

“Only if you eat your carrots,” Justin tells him.

Ryan tried to put them on my plate, right in front of us. “Ate them.” He tells Justin.

“Wow that was fast, and how did Brian end up with your carrots that are supposed to be in your tummy?” Justin asks, moving them back.

“He likes them.” Ryan tries to convince us.

“I do, but I don’t want to take yours,” I tell him, trying to sound serious.

Ryan seemed to think it over, but in the end he ate them, reminding Justin with each one he got biscuits. I only snuck two, and ate them when Justin wasn’t watching. Ryan tried to resist a nap but Justin just picked him up, walking around humming to him, until Ryan couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore. I followed him to Ryan’s room, and watched Justin put him to bed, singing quietly until Ryan was fully asleep. Ryan would grow up never doubting Justin loved him, it was in everything he did for him. It's what I always want Gus to know.

I walked out of the room when my phone started going off. Waiting until I was outside to answer Michael.

“Finally. What the hell was so important you couldn’t answer your phone?” Michael bitches at me.

“What’s so fucking important to have you calling continuously?” I ask.

“I would think our friendship means I can call and expect my best fucking friend to answer the phone. I wanted to make plans to do something, but it’s hard when no one can tell me when you're coming back or where the hell you went.” He tells me.

“Plan without me, since I don’t know when I plan on being back,” I tell him.

“I could come to where you are unless it’s some big secret.” He pouts.

“We thought by being away you’d get a clue that none of us are interested in meeting every friend you can dig up of Ben’s. Why not go see if you can convince your boyfriend he’s more important than we are to you.” I tell him, hanging up and silencing my phone.

“Sounds like you have fan problems of your own,” Justin tells me.

“I have a friend who thinks we all have to tell him every thought in our heads,” I tell him.

“It sounds like he thinks you're married.” He tells me.

“I’m sure he wishes we were, but I just don’t see him as anything more than a friend,” I explain, so there isn't any reason Justin would think differently.

“When are you going back?” He asks.

“Most likely when Gus is going home. I have clients I need to check on. Trying to get rid of me?” I ask him.

“I want to call my mom and possibly see her if she wants me to. It would be easier if I could stay somewhere that doesn't connect to me, that way if it ends up being a waste of my time, I could leave without anyone finding out I went there, ” He tells me.

“I need to do a couple of things if you wanted to come with me,” I tell him.

“I'm not expecting you to have someone serve me.” He tells me.

“I didn’t think you did. I need to have my locks changed and upgrade my security. Right now my friends can come and go as they please. Lindsay knows about you, but Michael doesn’t and it wouldn’t be good if he did.” I tell him.

“How are you friends with someone you can't trust?” He asks.

“The same way you keep an agent you don't trust. Michael only did what I allowed him to do for years.” I tell him.

“Rita took me in when I didn’t have a place to go. At the time I was nobody, but she brought me home and took care of me. If you want the truth, I have no real clue she'd use Ryan, it's just she acts like a stage mom from hell any time she thinks I'm fucking up my career. I actually like her most of the time.” I tell him.

“Michael can be the same way when I do something he doesn't like. I don't let him dictate my life, but you're letting Rita try to do that to you. I work with a lot of agents and I know you feel like you owe it to her for helping you, but remember she’s still just your agent who profits off you. Even if she cares about you, there has to be a time you draw the lines at what she can do. It's why Michael runs around thinking my life isn't mine. He and his mother welcomed me into their home when mine might have killed me. Michael wants to believe it gives him rights to everything about me. His mother finally had to pull me aside and tell me to stop letting Michael get away with it. She realized that in a way she helped in making me think I owed Michael.” I tell him.

“What made her realize it?” He asks.

“She asked me to do something that had all my friends pissed at me for doing it. I ended up being the bad guy for what she asked me to do. I took the shit handed to me without telling anyone that it was because she asked me to do it. Deb ended up telling everyone it was her idea, not mine because she didn't like the idea I was being blamed for what she wanted. It pissed her off when they all let her off the hook, saying she did it for Michael, but no one was willing to think the same thing when I did it. She saw how everyone excused her but still sort of blamed me.” I tell him.

“What kind of friends didn’t even ask why you did what you did? What did you do?” He asks.

“I threw him a birthday party and outed him to the girl who thought they were more than friends. Deb never asked me to go that far, but Michael wouldn't have gone back to his boyfriend at the time without me shoving him out of my life.” I tell him.

“I can understand Michael being pissed and your friends not liking what you did, but normally if someone knows you, they also know there are reasons for doing something. Daphne would have pulled me aside and reamed my ass, but she would also ask why.” He tells me.

“I never gave them a reason to think I was anything but a selfish asshole. Except for Lindsay, Michael was really the only other person who I considered a friend. It's different now. If it happened now I don't think any of them would automatically blame me.” I tell him.

“Sorry, but if Michael was much of a friend he should have seen through what you did.” He tells me.

“It's why we aren’t as close to each other anymore. He thinks if he does something, that the rest of us should want it to.” I tell him.

“What does he think you should want?” He asks.

“A relationship with someone like his boyfriend.” I tell him.

“You don’t want a relationship?” He asks.

“There hasn't been anyone I wanted one with. I never stayed around longer than the sex.” I tell him the truth.

“I guess he'll be waiting forever for you to do what he wants.” He tells me.

“Forever is not as long as I used to think,” I tell him.

I know Justin doesn’t understand when he looks confused. I see the former as a matter of time between us. He makes me see the possibilities of something I didn't believe in. I kissed his confused frown before leaving. I needed to get things in my life in order if I wanted him.