Date: Mar 15, 2021 8:56 am Title: Chapter 10
Hi again! Yeah, it‘s sad, that your reply is gone (it was such a long one), but I've already read it on Saturday! What a great reaction from your grandma. Maybe that's also the difference between us. I think not only my parents would have reacted terrible if I would have went away so far, but also at least one of my grandmas would habe been so worried. She always was scared or worried... My eldest son will be 18 next year and I really try to be prepared because he already mentioned that he maybe wants to study in Basel. So, kids have to make their own experiences and go their own way but for parents I think it's always hard.
Oh, this chapter made me really angry of Justin and his behavior (although I understand that those steps are necessary for your story and its development ;-) ). But after all they went through together, it's so absolutely not fair how he is treating Brian. He‘s a coward! Although I think his real reasons are so obvious and I also think the only time he was really honest in this chapter was when he told Ethan that he should stop pushing him into his ex-boyfriends arms. Because we all know, and I think deep down inside Justin knows himself what could, will happen if he spends more time with Brian, because I don't think that they could be just friends... But to ignore him is just such a pathetic behavior, yes even cruel. And I think he should have really thought himself about the money situation. I mean, I can understand that he's afraid of losing Gus, but he should have offered the money which is Brians money to Brian by himself. And also regarding Gus I think, Brian's totally in his rights - Gus is his son! He has risked his life for both of them and Justin has to deal with the fact that Brian might want to live with Gus. He can't just ignore this. Of course I want Ethan to just go away and the three of them live happily together :-) , but the facts are not like that at the moment. One possibility would be that Gus would live with Brian for a week and the other with Ethan and Justin ... Justin's objection to Brian's emotional state isn't entirely wrong, of course. So far we have learned little about it. Brian behaves so normal. Does he have nightmares? Does he have physical problems? An important part is also to talk to Gus, to maybe let him have a say in whatever decision will be made. Thankfully, Ethan and Justin didn't adopt Gus. They haven‘t, have they? Would that even be possible? I have to admit I have no idea.
It's so heartbreaking to imagine Brian all by himself, so alone after what he went through. And I think he's really brave to confront Justin - we have seen through his sarcasm how hard this was for him.
I really would like to know what Ethan really thinks about all this. I mean, if he loved the person he lost at least a bit like Justin loved Brian, then he must be aware of what this could mean for their relationship... Maybe he even knows better than Justin at this moment...
And it‘s not so important, but I asked myself, Ethan and Justin, they are monogamous, aren‘t they? You see, you really moved me with this chapter. It was so heartbreaking and intense... such a difficult situation... Can‘t wait until Sunday! Stay healthy and warmest regards!
Author's Response:
Oh yeah, it's harder on the parents than on the child that moves away. But I am sure you will be fine, if he decides to move to Basel. Just think of all the vacations you can take visiting him :)
I can totally understand your anger at Justin's behaviour! The way he behaves towards Brian is wrong on soooo many levels and Brian would have really deserved better from Justin. Then again, I think Justin is really confused and unable to cope with Brian's reappearance. We all know that he still loves Brian, we know how he himself described the kiss and I think it scares him that he loves Brian like that when he feels like he should be loyal to Ethan, who he has built a life with in recent years. He's just really torn at the moment.
Let's just say that things won't get easier for Justin anytime soon. Poor guy will be torn between his feelings for Brian and his feelings for Ethan for quite a bit to come :/
I agree, Brian and Justin couldn't be friends and unfortunately, that's something that will become very clear in upcoming chapters.
As for the money, I am sure Justin didn't mean to hold back Brian's money on purpose. I think he honestly hasn't thought about it, being so torn by his own feelings and emotions. He should have thought about it, but I think with everything going on, he just forgot :(
And as for Gus - I agree: Brian is Gus' father and if Brian wants Gus to live with him, there isn't much that Justin can do against it. No, Justin and Ethan didn't adopt Gus. For the sake of this story Justin has custody of Gus, kind of a legal guardianship, but he has not adopted Gus. Now that Brian is back, of course Brian as his biological parent would have a right to custody as well.
We will hear from Gus soon about his thoughts concerning staying with Brian.
Brian's mental state will become a bigger part of this story soon. Justin's concerns aren't totally unfounded, let's put it that way. Brian has been through an unbelievable ordeal and of course that will show in some ways. We'll soon find out how :(
You bring up a very interesting point about Ethan: For now he's trying to be the voice of reason, trying to get Justin to be reasonable, but I agree with you, he must be aware of how deep Justin's love for Brian ran and still runs. He can't be blind to that, can he? Well, we'll find out...
And yes, Justin and Ethan are monogamous.
As you can see, lots of different plot points will develop more soon and the story will move forward now that everyone is over the first shock of Brian still being alive and showing up in Toronto.
As usual, thanks very much for your long review :) It's much appreciated! Stay safe and more will be up tomorrow!
Date: Mar 15, 2021 6:54 am Title: Chapter 10
trow Justin and Ethan out of the house and move in, he paid for it therefore it is his
Author's Response:
Legally, you're right, but I doubt that Brian would ever do that to Justin...
Thanks for your comment. More will be up tomorrow :)
Date: Mar 12, 2021 12:09 pm Title: Chapter 9
Hi there! Wow, you've been around a lot and seen a lot. I never dared venture that far into the world! ;-) I believe that the best way to break down prejudices is to get to know different people also from other cultures or countries! At least, through my work as a study assistant in the hospital, I have the opportunity to get to know a lot of different people, not just patients, we always have guest doctors or doctoral students from other countries with us.
Another heartbreaking chapter with painful revelations. I didn't expect anything else from Craig, but Michael? You know by now that I don't like Michael very much, but that he would act that way... On the other hand, I can well imagine him to behave in such an opportunistic way. Sometimes there is more cruelty in the ideas or images that certain words or phrases evoke in us. That phrase "That would have been too quick and easy" let me shudder. What had they done to Brian...
I wish Brian hadn't asked Em if Justin loves Ethan. Perhaps it would have been enough if he'd asked if Justin is happy. But maybe it wouldn't have made this big of a difference. My heart is sooo breaking for Brian. Hopefully he doesn't start wishing that he had died. There's still Gus... and some day there also will be Justin again. Please Brian, don't start losing hope!
I'm so looking forward to Sunday! Stay healthy!
Author's Response:
Too bad that my reply to your previous comment was gone :( I guess these things just happen!
Yeah, I have always been very interested in travelling the world and going to other countries. Living in other countries has always been a dream of mine. As part of my English studies, I had to study abroad in an English-speaking country, so going to the US was a dream come true at the time.
When I left Germany in 2013 to move to Ireland, I'll never forget my grandma's rection: I told her I was going to move away to Ireland, but would still come to visit, etc. She started crying, but happy tears which totally surprised me. She then hugged me and said: I always knew you would leave Germany. You're not made for a life in Germany. You need to experience the world. Apparently, she knew me better than I knew myself and always knew that I would move away at one point.
My mom was more conflicted about me moving away at the time ;)
To be fair, that's the advantage to being single. I was able to just pick up my life and leave. If you have a family, kids, it becomes so much harder. So yeah, I am glad I took the opportunity when I was able to.
Your work and the contacts you have through it sound really interesting as well - meeting people from other countries, backgrounds, etc. has always been one of the greatest pleasures of my life :)
Back to the story: I know this might have been a bit surprising where Michael is concerned, but my dislike for his character just won here ;) He's always been a little weasel to me and I just enjoyed making him the bad one here. And he showed signs of "conservatism" and being in support of cleaning up Liberty Avenue, etc on the show as well to some degree, so it was just an easy choice to turn him into a bad guy here.
I promise that we will find out what happened to Brian in Gilead - the whole story! All will be revealed...
I feel your pain - my heart is breaking for poor Brian as well. After everything he has been through, he didn't deserve this new blow :(
You're right, there's still Gus and Gus will become a very important part in Brian's life and the story moving forward. Hopefully, Brian can focus on Gus and he and Justin can start building a relationship from there... Or not? *evil grin*
As always, thanks very much for your comment. It's much appreciated :) More will be up tomorrow! Stay safe!
Date: Mar 12, 2021 10:03 am Title: Chapter 8
Hey there! Because of the update, your answer to my review is unfortunately gone... just like chapter 9. I could give you a review on mw but I would like to stay here, so I'll just wait until you upload chapter 9 again! Warmest regards!
Date: Mar 03, 2021 5:13 pm Title: Chapter 8
Oh no, don't worry, you didn't make me feel odd or bad ... I'm happy for you that you have such a good relationship with your grandparents and parents and that you are able to talk to them about everything so openly and that your parents also took you to those events! That‘s great! I didn't had a bad childhood, but like I said, things like that weren't talked about much. For example, I coincidentally found out at the age of about 30 that my grandpa wasn't my real grandpa at all. My mom is very good at repressing or she just doesn't want to talk about things like that. Anyway, for me this man was my grandpa... (I think those familiy situations were quite normal because of World War II). I grew up in a more conservative house, my father was a police officer and I think he always voted for the CDU. but then there was this other side too. Do you know "Mary and Gordy"? My dad had two records of them and I listened to them a lot as a child maybe around 10. Funny, I understood that they were dressing up as women, but I had no idea about homosexuality. I was more influenced by my later school days and my friends at that time. I remember arguments with my father because I once skipped school to take part in a demonstration against the Republicans (in case any American is reading this, it‘s a German Party). But my father has changed a lot since then. For example, we can get upset about Trump together and nowadays we can also have normal conversations about German politic. I don‘t know, maybe in my case, it was growing up in Berlin, and also in a not very religious household, listening to punk and alternative music since I was 16... I think we‘re all not completely free from prejudice, but I try to go through life as openly as possible and to accept everyone for who he / she is. And I never gave it much thoughts if someone I know was gay or a lesbian. And I have two sons. If one of them is gay... so what... the most important thing is to be happy!
I totally forgot... I wanted to say something about Ethan. I also didn‘t hate him and I totally agree that this storyline was important for Justin‘s development. I didn't like this whole cheating story either and it always has such a bad aftertaste to me that Justin tried to be back with Brian so fast. Maybe it would have been good to be alone for a while... But, hej, it‘s a TV Show and I think we all wanted to see them back together as fast as possible. :-) For me the main focus was on the subject of "honesty" no matter if you have a monogamous or a non-monogamous relationship. You have to be honest so that both can decide what they want and if they could live with that.
So, this chapter! The truth is out and Justin's still good at running away... :-) Actually I don't feel like laughing at all. But, I'm glad that Justin told Brian the truth. Again, he's lucky to have such a good friend in Daphne. she's helping him and demanding honesty even in a difficult situation. But back to Brian. My heart is breaking for him and on the one hand I think it's not okay of Justin to run away and leave Brian alone with his questions, his pain, maybe also his anger... On the other hand it's maybe good to be alone after hearing this, to have the opportunity to think about it... But I feel so sorry for Brian, he's so alone at this moment... The way I judge Brian, he will be happy for Justin - even if it breaks his own heart - and won't blame him. So sad... And, I know it takes time, but Justin already instinctively knows the truth... "Like I was finally alive again" - Oh, I love this sentence! Very well written as always ;-) Looking forward to Sunday! Warmest regards and stay healthy!
Date: Feb 28, 2021 10:00 pm Title: Chapter 8
Ethan needs to go now!!!
Date: Feb 24, 2021 5:29 pm Title: Chapter 7
Hey there! This will be a long review! Oh, when I read your last answer, I felt old... In my case, it's not my grandparents but my parents who where born in 1943 and 1945... I could have talked to my grandparents about it and asked them so many questions. But at first I was too young and then too inhibited. Unfortunately, in my family there is not much talk about such things or feelings. And my grandmother always scolded the Russians, partly because of her experiences with the GDR and the building of the Berlin Wall and also because my grandfather was a Russian prisoner of war for a few years. I'm politically more left-wing orientated and always felt the need to defend the Russians (although Stalin really was no better than Hitler). And there were always these thoughts in my mind ... the Germans were to blame, the Germans started the war ... So, yes, there would have probably just been a lot of anger and arguments. All I know is that my two birth grandpas died in the war, whatever they did. My uncle's father (also a different man than my father's father) was a communist and was killed by the Nazis. As I said, I am so grateful not to have lived during this time. And I think it's perfectly okay to be scared and to wonder what would one have done, how would one have acted. I find it much more sincere to have doubts about one's own behavior in such a situation than to stand up and claim that one would have resisted in any case ...
Oh my ... I didn't know what you meant by Jana from Kassel and I googled ... I just have no words for that...
So this chapter. How incredibly sad ... After Brian and Justin, Ted and Blake are my absolute favorite couple and the idea that Blake was killed and Ted then killed himself made me very sad. I don't quite understand Mel and Lindsay's behavior. How could they leave Gus behind. I have two sons of my own and can't imagine that I would go away in such a situation without them, but ... similar problematic question. You just can't say how you would really behave in such a situation. I understand that Mel wanted to try to fight outside of Gilead as a lawyer and of course they left him with Brian and Justin, but didn't they realize that Brian and Justin would also be persecuted for being homosexual?
Oh, I'm afraid we're nearing the time Brian will find out about Ethan. Oh my heart is breaking for Brian. And also for Justin. He's already so desperate and confused. Makes me so sad, especially after the kiss they shared. And I'm afraid of Brian's reaction. I asked myself if he's going to fight for Justin, if he has the strength to do it and if he even wants to.... Looking so forward to Sunday! Stay healthy and warmest regards!
Author's Response:
Oh, I am sorry - I didn't mean to make you feel odd or bad about what I wrote in reply to your review :( It's just that in my family we always talked openly about these things, my grandmother more so than my grandfather as it was harder for him never having known his own father, but even he would answer questions if asked. I sometimes tend to forget that it's not like that for everyone and I am sorry if something I wrote made you feel odd :(
I have to admit that my grandmother used to keep this old shoe box with old photographs going back to her grandparents' childhood and every time I would read something in a book or see something in a movie or in a documentary and mention it to her, she would get out that box and look for a picture to show me that it was true. I particularly remember telling her of my surprise when I read that women used to wear black wedding dresses back in the 19th and early 20th century and she went, got out the box and handed me a picture of her own grandmother getting married in a black wedding dress.
Those are some of my favourite memories that I have of spending time with my grandmother. Sitting at her kitchen table and looking at old photographs and listening to the stories she would tell about how she grew up, what life was like when she was a child... I was always very interested in history, it was one of my Prüfungsfächer when I did my Abitur and it's a way my grandmother and I have always bonded :)
I totally understand that talking about WWII and asking: What did you do back then? would cause trouble in a lot of families... understandably so :(
I also tend to vote on the left and I definitely share more left views than conservative views, then again I grew up in a total working class background where it was all about unions and the like. I definitely grew up in a very SPD attached household which of course left an impression on me. From an early age my parents and one of my aunts took me to pro-LGBT, anti-nuclear engergy, anti-war protests, etc... So yeah, I was raised with very progressive, left ideas and still have a lot of those. Especially when it comes to equality, social justice and to acceptance of people who might have a different skin colour, background, sexuality, religion, etc. than I do. Politik was my Leistungskurs when I did my Abitur, I studied it at university as a minor and I'll always be interested in politics and will always have an opinion ;)
Anyway, back to the story: It broke my heart to do this to Ted and Blake. I absolutely adore them as well and I always loved Ted and his development to become Brian's closest friend later in the show (sorry, Michael, but Ted wins easily!), so killing off both him and Blake here was one of the hardest things I ever did :( But it had to happen. It wouldn't have made sense if everyone we love and like had gotten out. The story is about loss and pain and we needed to understand how brutal Gilead was to its undesirables...
As for Mel and Lindsay - same reason. They had to go to make the emotional impact harder on Gus and Brian. As for their reasons for leaving Gus behind, I thought of all those refugee families breaking up and the men going ahead, leaving behind their wives and children, promising to get them once they have settled and have the money. I am sure Melanie and Lindsay would have fought to get Gus out from Gilead from outside the country, thinking that the rest of the world would be on their side and the pressure would just be too high on Gilead. And for the time being they would have known that he would have been safe with Brian and Justin... but yeah... hard decisions had to be made all around :(
Brian will find out about Ethan in the next chapter. And it will create a whole new set of problems for both Brian and Justin. My heart is breaking for Brian as well, but also for Justin... He will be so torn :/
Thanks for your comment. As always, it's much appreciated :) More will be up tomorrow!
Date: Feb 16, 2021 2:14 pm Title: Chapter 6
Hi there! „Justin is the one and if Justin is not around, Brian will have a sad and lonely existence" - haha, you made me laugh - that‘s not evil, as least not for me. I really understand what you mean and I like the way you said this, it has a certain ease and I think the next time I get annoyed with a story, I‘ll go back and read this sentence! And as realistic as some authors want to be, as I wrote before, it‘s still fiction and why should I imagine something that just doesn‘t feel right to me. And I also can imagine Justin with someone else, but I can‘t imagine him loving someone else like he loves Brian. So, I hope it‘s okay when I say, that I really don‘t want to see Justin with Ethan for much longer... no, don‘t take me too serious. I know that it takes time and I totally understand that Justin has to and will sort out what he feels. And I‘m so curious how you will let it happen.... And I have to admit, Ethan seems to be really nice here.
The second part of this chapter nearly made me cry while riding the tram back home yesterday. So sad, so heartbeaking and somehow the situation just suits Brian. This time it was a real cliff.... Very well written and I really can understand that they stayed so long in Gilead. I think, if something like this happens, it must be so unreal at first, that one just hope that it will be over soon. I'm so grateful that I didn't live during the Nazi era. Also because I would be afraid of how I would have behaved. Would I have gone away? Would I have resisted? Or would I have chosen the easiest way and would have adapted, hopefully not participated. I think that as long as one weren't in such a situation, one can't tell how one really would have behaved. I just hope to never have to live through such a situation. So, I‘m looking forward to Sunday! Warmest regards and stay healthy!
Author's Response:
Haha, your opinion on Justin and Ethan being together for much longer has been noted. And of course, it's okay for you to say that you don't want to see them together. I think that's a feeling that many people will share completely. I can't make any promises though that Ethan will disappear anytime soon :/ *hides*
Brian will find out about Ethan soon which will add a completely new layer of drama to this story, but like you said, Justin will have to sort through his feelings first. Yes, I am pretty sure we can all agree that he loves Brian, that Brian is the love of his life, but... and that's a big but: Justin also loves Ethan and has built a life with him and as much as it might disappoint some people, Justin is not the type to just end his relationship with Ethan like that because Brian is back... There will be a lot of emotional turmoil coming Justin's way :(
As for Ethan: He's not the bad guy here. I have to admit that on the show I never really minded him much and I certainly didn't dislike him like many other people did. I felt that the Justin/Ethan relationship was important to Justin's development and the only thing that really bothered me about it was how the writers had the relationship end with Ethan cheating the very first chance he was given. I would have prefered for him and Justin to break up over the "career vs. being out in the open" storyline that they barely hinted at, then buried again. As Daphne said back then: Justin nearly died coming out of the closet. Why would he have gone back into the closet for Ethan? Especially when Ethan chose his career over Justin... then again, like Brian said: Would it have been smart for Ethan to throw away his big chance at success over someone who he might or might not still be with a couple of years down the line? I would have liked them to explore that storyline some more, but I guess it was easier to have Ethan cheat, because that would play into everything Brian has ever said about relationships and romance *rolls eyes*
Anyway, this Ethan will just be a guy that's going to be caught in a very uncomfortable situation and will try to handle it as best as he can. Just like everyone else. He's not the bad guy in this story and will try to be a good partner to Justin and a good parental figure to Gus.
Oh God, now I feel bad for making you nearly cry on the tram :( I have been there, I know what it's like... I should have written a warning that tissues might be needed for this chapter...
Believe me, I chose the cliff setting on purpose. I just couldn't help it. It seemed too good not to have Brian push Justin off a literal cliff ;)
I totally understand what you mean about living in the Nazi era. I am not sure if it's a German thing, but it's something that has gone through my mind a lot as well. I have been to Auschwitz two years ago, I have been to many Holocaust museums over the years, many of them in Germany, but also in the US, the UK and Ireland and really, those questions have always kept me awake as well after such visits. I would like to think that I would have been as brave as Sophie Scholl (and not Jana from Kassel brave *shakes head angrily*) and would have done something, but I don't know if I would have been willing to give my life... I think, more realistically, I would have probably tried to keep my head down and get through it in one piece, not participating, but... what if they had forced me? Once again: Would I have been willing to give my life? It scares me that I can't say for sure and I have to say that while I have been to anti-Nazi demos in Germany, anti-Trump rallies in Ireland, anti-Bush/anti-Iraq war rallies in the US, etc - that was always easy and never under the dangerous circumstances of Nazi Germany... So I really don't know what I would have done :/
In my family, I was kind of confronted with both. My grandparents were born in 41 and 43 respectively and my grandmother's father was in the resistance and was arrested several times for refusing to do the Hitler greeting in church, saying that politics had nothing to do in churches. My grandfather's father on the other hand was sent to Russia as a soldier and he was only a soldier because he was forced into it and what else could he do without endangering his wife who was pregnant at the time. So he went to protect his family and in the end fell in Russia and never came back. He never got to meet his son...
And I found out through the years that this is a concept especially Americans are struggling with. For whatever reason a lot of them think that every German supported the Nazis and was all for Hitler and his agenda and when you tell them these kind of stories, they are surprised a lot of times that normal people oftentimes just did what they had to do to protect their loved ones, not because they were heartily agreeing with Hitler - of course those people existed, but it wasn't everyone :(
Anyway, enough doom and gloom! Thanks for your very kind comment. As always, it's much appreciated :) More will be up tomorrow!
Stay healthy! :)
Date: Feb 10, 2021 3:01 pm Title: Chapter 5
Oh, I'm so glad you changed the June-Luke-Nick-storyline a little bit. As you know, (I think we've already written about this...) I also can't stand having Brian in a "serious" relationship with another man. For me, in my imagination, that's just not possible and so far no author, who had written Brian in a relationship with someone else couldn't convince me about the reasons... I just don't feel it and it's fiction, so I also just don't want to imagine it. Normally I try to stay away from those stories but sometimes I just can't help myself and then I get angry most of all with myself (and maybe a little bit with the author :-) )
I felt so sorry for Emily because she was finally free, but you had the feeling that she couldn't cope with this situation at all ... She was so cautious about her son... She missed so much of his development... So, thanks for this chapter! That was such a heartbreaking moment between Brian and Gus, and I'm glad Brian was able to show his feelings in such a way, that he could cry, that he could show his pain but also his deep relief. I could also well understand Gus' doubts and fears ... That he felt somehow guilty, that he was better off. But with the sentence „it made everything in the last five years worth it" (even only in Brian‘s thoughts) you explained very well, that Brian could never even think about blaming Justin or Gus.
So, thanks for another great chapter. I‘m so curious what will happen and what happened! Looking forward to Sunday! Warmest regards and stay healthy!
Author's Response:
Haha, I totally agree about Brian being with someone else. It just doesn't work for me. Justin with someone else? Sure, why not? I can do that... but Brian? Nope, Justin is the one and if Justin is not around, Brian will have a sad and lonely existence. I am evil like that ;)
And to be fair, a concentration camp in Gilead isn't really the right place to find a gay lover... so the circumstances of this story dictated that it had to be Justin who would find a new love, not Brian.
After five years of being apart, Brian was on an emotional rollercoaster. So much has happened to him, so much he missed in Gus' life, so many worries and so much fear that they wouldn't be okay. I wanted to show the emotional turmoil he had been in for years that all came to the surface now that he was finally reunited with the two most important people of his life.
As for Gus, I really wanted to show that he's on an emotional rollercoaster as well. Everything that has happened in the last couple of days affects not only Brian and Justin (and Ethan by extension), but Gus as well. And poor Gus, still remembering some of what life in Gilead was like, then hearing more from Justin so he would be prepared if Brian might be cold/distant with him... No surprise he developed a case of cold feet due to survivor's guilt.
But Justin is right: Brian would never blame him! Brian would never be angry with Gus for having been safe. Brian made a sacrifice so Gus would be safe (we'll find out more about the details very soon) and to Brian it all paid off and it was all worth it. Gus and Justin were safe and that was all that ever mattered to him.
I know what you mean about Emily - I felt so bad for her as well. And I couldn't blame her for being so cautious around her son. He was way younger, didn't even really remember her only what his mother told him about her, only remembered her from images. At least Gus knows and remembers Brian which will make for a different kind of reunion.
It will be interesting to see how Brian's relationship with Gus and also with Justin will develop... we are getting closer to Brian finding out about Ethan and that will definitely change things :(
Thanks for your comment. As always, it's much appreciated :) More will be up tomorrow!
Date: Feb 02, 2021 5:10 pm Title: Chapter 4
Hi there! Yeah, I've watched the Handmaid's tale in record time. don't know where I took the time... :-) First, I was just curious and then I couldn't stop. It really moved me... And surely, one can understand your story without watching it, but while reading it, I see all those characters and fates... I thought, Emily and her situation would have inspired this story mainly... I wondered if Emily would be back with her partner after her successful escape from Gilead... It wasn't really clear yet... But what has been made pretty clear is that it is by no means easy... So, even without Ethan the situation would be hard and not easy, but with Ethan... and Justin's feelings for both of them... as you wrote, an impossible situation... And as I wrote before, I also wondered about June, Luke and Nick - I was sure that they let Nick die in this fight in Chicago... (maybe this will happen in the next season???) because, in my opinion, they are also in an impossible situation - to be honest, I really like Nick (I often like those "bad" guys who have a good site deep inside), so I'm not sure, I would want to see June united with Luke again... but could there really be a future for June and Nick... an impossible situation...
This chapter and Justin's conversation with the doctor was already hard to read and painful. Just to imagine what Brian went through... and five years is a long long time... Your story and also Gilead reminds me so much of the Nazi time... torture, death, experiments... terrible. I wrote it before, I'm glad, that you started your story with Brian being free...
I like the way you let Justin and Gus talk. Through that we learned a little bit about their time in Gilead, the reasons for their escape and a little bit about what went wrong. And I think Justin behaved properly. It could have been that Brian woke up screaming, etc. It could have been that he couldn‘t allow any closeness or reacted with panic to a possibly too stormy greeting from Gus. Justin shows how much he cares about Gus and at the same time treats him with respect.
So yeah you are doing a great job! I'm looking forward to the next chapter! Warmest regards and stay healthy!
Author's Response:
I was actually surprised myself by how much I liked The Handmaid's Tale when I started watching it. That world immediately drew me in and wouldn't let me go even after a season had ended, which is why we now have a Brian/Justin story set in that world ;)
I get what you're saying about Emily's story and her inspiring this story, but I have to admit that this story has been a long time in the making already. By the time I came up with the idea, started fleshing out the storyline and started writing, I hadn't seen that part in Emily's storyline yet. So yeah, my idea for this story was totally based on the Nick/June/Luke triangle and what would happen if June and Luke were reunited: Could they just go back to their old relationship? After everything they have been through? Everything June has been through in Gilead? After everything she has shared with Nick? After everything Luke has been through in Canada?
It's funny how this story now actually mirrors Emily's story more, but when I came up with the idea, it was all about June and her two men ;)
I just knew that with how I wanted Brian's time in Gilead to go, I couldn't have him be the one in a relationship with someone else, so it had to be Justin. And generally speaking, I can't ever see Brian in a relationship with someone else than Justin. If another relationship is necessary for story purposes, it would always be Justin in that relationship... That's why he got to be with Ethan and got to move on/built a new life in Canada while Brian was stuck in Gilead.
You are right, it's important to remember that Brian is free now. The worst is behind him and he will be fine - I promise :)
I have to admit that Gilead always reminded me of the Nazi regime. So some things might be more German history than Handmaid's Tale really, though I am sure that Gilead wouldn't have been opposed to medical experiments and torture on people they considered lesser beings :/ I mean some of that was shown/hinted at in the show even...
Gus will see Brian in the next chapter - I promise! But I agree, I don't think Justin had any other choice. Without knowing what Brian's mental state was like, there was no way Gus as a 12-year old boy could be present when Brian first woke up. That could have ended in a disaster had Brian been severely traumatised... Even more than he obviously is.
I think Justin did the right thing by talking to Gus and explaining some of these things to him. Gus is only 12, might be too happy to have his Dad back to really understand why Brian might be more subdued than he remembers him... It just shows that Justin cares for Gus and wants him to be fine as well during this complicated time.
We will also find out more about their life and time in Gilead in upcoming chapters, just as we will find out what happened that night when they tried to flee to Canada. There's so much coming up :)
Thanks for your lovely comment. It's much appreciated :) More will be up tomorrow!
[Report This]Date: Feb 01, 2021 1:29 am Title: Chapter 4
Wonder what those Doctor's did to Brian. I don't think a shrink would help, not unless the shrink had gone through the same thing. Gus doesn't need talk, he needs to see his dad.
Author's Response:
We'll find out more about Brian's years in Gilead over the course of this story.
As for the therapist, I can't say I agree. I don't think your therapist needs to have gone through whatever you have been through to help you. That would mean a woman that has been raped can only be helped by a therapist that was also a rape victim, someone with depression could only be helped by a therapist who had been suffering from depression themselves... I think a therapist could help Brian even if they hadn't been in a concentration camp in Gilead themselves and wouldn't have suffered through what he has been through. That's just my opinion on therapy though :)
As for Gus, he's only 12. No one knew what condition Brian would be in when he woke up. I think Justin was right to sit down with Gus and have a talk about certain things he might not understand due to his age.
And he will get to see his dad, very soon :)
Thanks for your comment! More will be up soon :)
[Report This]Date: Jan 27, 2021 2:57 pm Title: Chapter 3
Hi there! I totally agree with you about some of the republicans. They are really pathetic. Have you heard about the statement by Ted Cruz when Biden returned to the "Pariser Klimaabkommen"? I don't know if it's true, but I read that he twittered that Biden would do just something for the citizens of Paris. Haha, can he really be so stupid?
Yesterday I've finished the "Handmaid's tale" and now have to wait for the fourth season... There was one moment where I had to laugh about myself. It just showed how addicted and crazy I'm about Justin and Brian. There was this scene where Serena and Fred danced and the audience stood there astonished, full of admiration, and me... I was just thinking about prom and thought, you all should have seen Brian and Justin... A thousand times more beautiful, comparing to them, this dance was nothing, no emotions... haha, I can't stand straight filmcouples anymore....
Now, this chapter. First, I have to totally agree with Ethan. It would have been so wrong if he would have accompanied Justin and Gus. It's already such a hard situation, which was also seen when the doctor wanted to examine Brian.
I thought a lot about love these days and how one can classify or judge the love that one feels for different people (or if that's even possible). As you wrote, Justin loved Brian more than life itself, they were together for a long time, they've surely been through so much... and then there's Ethan. They met each other through their grief for a loved one and then fell in love so it doesn't sound like the "love of a life" but more like a community of convenience (it's hard for me to write this in English, I hope you don't misunderstand me). And if Brian hadn't returned, they might still be happy, but now I just can't imagine that Justin can continue to have a carefree happy relationship with Ethan. But it's also very clear to me that it is not that easy and I am curious and really looking forward to see how it will continue and what will happen next. In the "Handmaid's tale" I like Emily very much and I was so glad that she managed to escape. And especially in her case, they also showed in the series that it's not easy to simply continue a relationship after these experiences. And in June's case, too, I thought a lot about what would happen if both her and Nick managed to escape. Could she just be back with Luke like before? Would Nick continue to play a role? So, yeah, that let me think a lot about Justin's situation with Ethan and Brian. You see, you've managed to fascinate me again! Warmest regards!
Author's Response:
Haha, yes, I actually read the actual tweet by Ted Cruz about Joe Biden caring more about the people of Paris than the people of Pittsburgh (funny that it was Pittsburgh of all places!)... What an idiot! Someone really didn't understand why the Paris Climate accord is called the Paris Climate accord. I wonder if he thinks that the Kyoto protocol will only help the people of Kyoto... Me and my friends had a good laugh about his lack of obvious intelligence *facepalm* I wonder if he also thinks that Covid 19 is called Covid 19 because there were 18 other Covids before it ...
I am amazed that you actually went and watched Handmaid's Tale and finished it this fast! Wow! But it really is a good show and absolutely scary in how real it feels at times :/
I know exactly what you mean about that dance. Every time I see a prom scene or a romantic dance in a movie somewhere, I am taken back to the Brian/Justin prom dance and the Buffy/Angel prom dance (sorry, I am a huge Buffy fan and that prom scene always gets me...). It's funny that two of my favourite shows ever had very, very important prom dance scenes with older lovers surprisingly showing up at prom ;)
We will find out over the course of this story that Ethan really is not the bad guy here - much like everyone else he's caught in an impossible situation, trying to make the best of it and much like in this scene, he will be the voice of reason again in later chapters...
I get what you're saying about love and how Justin's love for Brian and Ethan might be different. And to a certain extent, I agree. Brian is and always will be the love of Justin's life. He will always be the one! After everything they went through together (we know about the prom and some stuff that is canon, but will find out about other stuff in upcoming chapters!), it's easy to understand why.
Having said that, Justin also loves Ethan. And it's really love. It might not be the same kind of love he felt for Brian, but he loves Ethan and that's something we shouldn't underestimate. They made it through hard times together as well, working through their grief together, supporting each other and starting a relationship, building a life and becoming a famiy with Gus.
I think it's very obvious that Justin loves Brian, even now. And Brian showing up like that in Toronto will have Justin question some very important things about himself, about the life he has now, etc.
Actually, June and Luke were kind of what gave me the inspiration for this story. After Nick came into her life, could she just go back to Luke and continue with him like before they were separated? So much has happened to her, so much between her and Nick and Luke's life in Canada also went on... it was a question that wouldn't leave me, so I turned it into this story and played around with it for a bit ;)
I am sure some people will be surprised by some of the things coming up in this story, but I can assure you, it won't just be a case of Justin saying: Sorry, Ethan, I love you, but you know? Brian's the one, so bye...
And we all know Brian: Would he even allow Justin to kick Ethan to the curb if he knew that Justin and Gus were happy and had built a happy life in his absence?
There are definitely a lot of surprises coming up... And it won't be easy for anyone involved.
I am glad I was able to fascinate you with this premise - that means I've done my job ;)
Thanks for your comment - much appreciated as always! More will be up soon. Stay safe :)
[Report This]Date: Jan 25, 2021 4:10 pm Title: Chapter 3
One can only wonder at what that exam shows.
Author's Response:
We will get more answers about Brian's condition in upcoming chapters :)
Thanks for your comment. More will be up soon!
Date: Jan 18, 2021 2:19 pm Title: Chapter 2
Hi! Oh dear, your short Christmas visit was really complicated and time-consuming, but at least you got to see your family, even for a short time ...
I think it's good that the impeachment got through (although I was really hoping that a few more Republicans would have come to their senses by now) and I hope he will be convicted. I get so upset about the voices who say you shouldn't do that because it will divide America even more. Trump has deepened this split (which may already have existed) and he is not going to stop and the worst thing would be if he started to run for president again in four years ... It just can't be that he gets away with his behavior
And you know what... I was so curious that I took a look inside this series and I couldn't stop myself from watching it. I'm already into the second season... There would be so much to say about it, but it would be too long... It's very well done and scary, horrible, terrifying, cruel, depressing, disturbing... Especially as a German I know that things like this are really possible and at this very moment when I'm writing this, maybe someone is being tortured somewhere in the world ... One should be grateful every day if you live in normal circumstances ... Me, I'm really not a conspiracy theorist at all, but of course this Covid situation also has a strange aftertaste ... Mask requirement, ban on meeting, curfews... and also with the incidents in Amerika... let‘s just say the series fits my current mood... :-(
While seeing it I often thought that I hope you won‘t describe the torture and what Brian went throught too detailed. I don‘t know, it would be hard to endure. This chapter... wonderful written, I feel so sorry for Gus (although it‘s a good thing his Daddy isn‘t dead) and I‘m glad Justin decided to be honest with him. And although I didn‘t like Ethan in the series, I‘m also glad that he isn‘t a bad guy here and that he understands Justin, his feelings for Brian and the situation. So, Brian and Justin were together for about 8 years? I‘m so curious... Did they get married? Was it even possible? If Ethan fled six years ago, then Gilead existed at least that long. I‘m curious if and how Brian and Justin get back together. I mean, will Justin have second thoughts about it or is it a given... How will Brian react when he finds out about Ethan... Question after question and I just have to be patient! ;-) Warmest regards!
Author's Response:
Haha, yeah. There definitely was a lot of organising involved for this Christmas trip home. But I know it made my mom and grandfather really happy and to be honest, it was nice to see them again after a year of not being home and not being able to hug them in person. And thankfully everyone stayed healthy, nobody got infected, so it all worked out in the end:)
I agree with you on the impeachment: They just can't let him get away with this behaviour. If they do, they're setting a very dangerous precedent for more extremists coming after him. Which is what really pisses me off about the Republican party right now: They're so power hungry that they only care about their own positions of power, but don't give a shit about the country, its people and the constitution they always claim to defend. They are just a bunch of hypocrites out for their own gain... People like Ted Cruz, Josh Hawley, etc should be punished right along with Trump...
Saying now that an impeachment will only divide the country further and that Democrats should just "move on" and forget about it... WTF? Can you see them do the same if the situation were reversed? Just remember how they all acted when it came to the BLM protests last summer... And those were mostly peaceful! Back then it was okay to arrest people and cart them away in unmarked vans, to have police use tear gas and rubber bullets on peaceful protestors just so Trump could take a picture with a bible in front of a church, but when it's white people storming the capitol, those are patriots and peaceful protestors that need to be forgiven... God, they make me so fucking angry, I have no words...
Yes, the Handmaid's Tale is a very scary show. Especially the flashbacks to how Gilead started, how they got into power reminded me so much of what's going on in the world right now. It also reminded me of 1930's Germany and once again showed that we have learned absolutely NOTHING from our history :( What made the show so scary for me was that it all seemed so realistic and while I was watching it, I had no trouble imagining people like that getting into power again. I mean, just look at some of those people in the US Senate/Congress, at Höcke and friends, etc... :(
And like you said: It made me very grateful that I am living in a state (and really, I am considering both Germany and Ireland here) where freedom of speech is valued, where different opinions are accepted and appreciated, where we have real democracies. Just look at Nawalny and Russia right now... scary stuff :( All those AFD morons going on about censorship and dictatorship by Angela Merkel? They obviously don't know what real censorship or dictatorship looks like. If they were right, they wouldn't be able to voice their opinions so openly, but would have been in prison a long time ago... :/
Okay, enough ranting, back to the story: We will find out what Brian went through and what happened to him, but I tried not to make it as graphic as it was in "No Matter What" for example... I tried to make what he went through a part of the story, but not an essential part. This story will be more about moving on, finding a new balance for everyone involved, etc.
Yes, Brian and Justin were together for a long time and much of it was already under the rule of Gilead. No, they weren't married, which will make sense once we find out more about the rise of Gilead in this story. I will explain at what point Gilead rose in the Brian/Justin timeline and how it happened, how they reacted to it and how it changed their life in Pittsburgh and affected everyone in their Liberty Avenue family. We will get answers to all of that, I promise!
As for Brian and Justin getting back together... well, you know me: I am a Brian/Justin girl and love my happy endings, so that's a given, but... the way there... might not be as smooth and easy as some want it to be/are expecting it to be. We shouldn't underestimate that Justin moved on, thinking that Brian was dead and has pretty much built a life with Ethan and Gus at this point. Will he just give up that life for Brian? Would Brian even want him to once he finds out the truth about Ethan? Hmmm...
So much that will happen in upcoming chapters :)
Thanks for your comment - it's much appreciated as always! More will be up tomorrow :)
[Report This]Date: Jan 17, 2021 11:22 pm Title: Chapter 2
It was not a good idea to put off telling Gus it seems.
Author's Response:
This will be hard for everyone, Gus included :( Hopefully, they will all make it through whatever comes next!
Thanks for your comment. More will be up soon :)
[Report This]Date: Jan 17, 2021 9:46 pm Title: Chapter 2
I can't imagine how that would be. Looking forward to more.
Author's Response:
It won't be easy, I can promise you that :(
Thanks for your comment. More will be up soon! :)
[Report This]Date: Jan 11, 2021 2:44 pm Title: Chapter 1
Hi! You're back! And that with such an exciting story! But first, I want to wish you still a happy New Year! I hope it will be a better one! And I hope you were able to spend Christmas with your family in Germany as planned. Just a few days before Christmas there were harder restrictions here in Germany and I had to think of you and your Christmas plans...
It's so terrible what happens in the USA, but I hope we're far away from the things that happens in this series. :-) I'm still speechless when I think about the events from last week. How could they let it come so far? I mean, I really haven't expected something like this, but Trump's whole behavior pointed in this direction. What I find most terrible is that there is no real solution right now ... He isn't resigning by himself, Pence won't invoke the 25th Amendment and whether the Democrats will be successful with the impeachment is also questionable. If they aren't successful, he'll triumph and if they are, then for his followers he's some kind of martyr. But something has to be done! I just don't understand how he can't be forced to resign... And I'm afraid the horror will continue on January 20th...
But now your story... It's soooo exciting and I think about watching this series although I'm not sure I could endure it if it's as violent and brutal as it sounds to be. I'm very curious about all the events before Justin's fled (is it similar to the series? And if so, at what point in their relationship all this happened?) but I'm sure you will tell us in time. Very well written again, I just love your writing-style. And you conveyed the emotions very well, Justin's total confusion... And it's already clear here that he still loves Brian. I am very curious to see how things will continue, how will Gus and Ethan react, what will the first meeting between Justin and Brian be like, what has Brian had to endure and how is he mentally. Hm, now I have to be patient for a week... :-) Thanks for sharing this and warmest regards!
Author's Response:
Hi Happy New Year to you as well! :)
Believe it or not, I actually ended up in Berlin at the end of my trip to Germany and I had to think of you as well when I was there.
I made it to Germany in early December and isolated for 2 weeks in an Airbnb. After two weeks, when I had no symptoms and all was well the harder restrictions just abot started and I went to stay with my mom and spent a quiet two weeks and Christmas with her and my brother. I saw my grandfather and two of my cousins, but that was it. All of it socially distanced and over several days. The rest of the family celebrations were cancelled and I didn't get to see anyone else in my family. Which was a bit sad as I hadn't seen them all year, but under the circumstances the only responsible thing to do.
I was actually in the county in Lower-Saxony that had the highest incidence rate in the whole state and they had even stricter rules than the rest of Germany. We had a curfew from 9pm to 6am every day and it was only lifted for one hour on Christmas Eve to make it from 10pm to 6am instead.
All in all, it was a very quiet Christmas and very relaxing.
I hope you and your family had nice holidays as well :)
While I was in Germany the Netherlands introduced a rule that everyone entering the country from December 29th needed a negative PCR test. I was due to fly from Amsterdam on the 30th, but couldn't get a test (they announced this new rule only two days in advance!). In my county you can't just book a test and pay for it yourself, especially not when they had the incidence that high and laboratories and doctors were overwhelmed anyway. So I had no way to meet the Dutch rules and had to book a new flight from Berlin. I had first booked a new flight from Cologne which was then cancelled and in the end ended up flying from Berlin. As it was a 7am flight, I had to stay in a hotel the night before. Thankfully, I was returning to Dublin for work, so I could officially say the trip was business related and I was allowed to stay in a hotel legally...
Having the rules change every day and having to rebook my return flight over and over was a bit stressful, but well... I took the risk of flying during a pandemic, so it was my own fault!
If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't have flown over, but I know how important it was for my mom and my grandfather to have me there for Christmas, so that made it all worth it in the end, you know? And I took all precautions and thankfully nothing happened! Thank God!
And now I am back in Ireland where we went from the lowest numbers in Europe to having the highest numbers in the world in just six weeks. Happy days :/
As for the political situation in the US: It's just scary! Unfortunately, as shocking as the images from the Capitol were, they weren't surprising and I have to admit that I am honestly disappointed in the Republican party even more now than I was ever before. I would have hoped this would finally be the last straw for them to break with Trump, but I guess even an insurrection and coup attempt are okay as long as it will keep them in power... The whole situation reminds me so much of 1930's Germany... very scary and I wish there would be more people standing up against that kind of behaviour!
Which brings us to the story: I have to admit that I loved the Handmaid's Tale. Watching it was very scary, but it was so well done. And a lot of things in the show, when they show the rise of that horrible regime, you see so many parallels to 1930's Germany, to the US right now... You just can't help but wonder why Americans don't see what's going on and aren't waking up :(
As mentioned, the story will play in the regime of Gilead, former US and over the course of this story we'll find out some background on the rise of this regime and how all of it was possible. It won't be exactly like it was in the TV show/novel by Margaret Atwood, but there will be clear parallels. This story will be more QAF focused and everything will have a clear QAF connection. As for Brian and Justin, the story will be pretty similar to the TV show up to a certain point (which will be made very clear in future chapters). Except for Ethan (who Justin only met in Canada), most of the rest will be the same up to the point when the rise of Gilead started. But we'll find out more details in future chapters... ;)
You raise some very good points and I can promise you that all of those will be covered in the next chapters :)
I am glad that you liked the first chapter and that you're giving this story a chance. More will be up tomorrow! Stay safe :)
[Report This]Date: Jan 10, 2021 11:24 pm Title: Chapter 1
Thank goodness Justin has Daphne and Emmett. Can't wait to find out how Brian made it.
Author's Response:
Yes, a good support system is very important :)
We'll find out more about Brian's journey over the course of this story!
Thanks for your comment. More will be up soon :)
[Report This]Date: Jan 10, 2021 9:57 pm Title: Chapter 1
Oh my. I'm going to enjoy this.🥰
Author's Response:
I hope you will :)
More will be up soon! Thanks for your comment :)