Scrooged

Chapter 1 "Better For Who?"

“Just finish the soup, Brian,” Justin said softly. He cautiously sat down on the bed beside Brian.

“There.” Brian shoved the empty bowl toward the blond blindly. Justin was swimming in his vision, but he didn’t want to tell the blond that.

Justin took the bowl and sat it on the nightstand. He reached down and pulled the duvet over Brian's now reclined, shivering body. “Goodnight.”

Brian yawned and peered through his heavy lidded eyes. “I'm not a child,” he grumbled. “You don't need to actually tuck me into bed.”

Justin ignored Brian's harsh tone and leaned down to kiss him on the cheek softly. ”I'll wake you in a couple of hours to take your medicine.”

Brian grunted and closed his eyes. He settled himself deeper into his soft mattress and pillows. “I already took them.” He cracked one of his eyes open and leaned toward Justin. His vision blurred and the room started to spin. ”Shit,” he whispered and closed his eyes once again.

“Do you need to throw up or something?” Justin tried to keep the worry out of his voice. He knew Brian wouldn’t react well to it. Any amount of care Justin put forth had to be done in a discreet or sometimes, even mean manner.

“No. M'fine,” Brian mumbled, closing his eye again. He felt as if he was falling into a sea and his body was tingling from the shaking.

Justin watched Brian closely and listened to his breathing as he drifted off into sleep. After a few minutes, the labored quick breaths quieted. The blond rose from the bed once he determined that his lover had fallen asleep. He grabbed the empty soup bowl and took it into the kitchen. Justin busied himself by cleaning up the mess from his cooking. He was probably the messiest cook in the world, but he was also a great one. Even if Brian didn’t say that he appreciated his homemade meal, he knew the older man had.

After he made the kitchen spotless, Justin grabbed his sketchbook and pencil and walked into the bedroom. He sat at the foot of the bed and stared at Brian’s features. He looked so peaceful sleeping under the heavy comforter.

**********

“What the...” Brian felt tingles run through his body, his vision darkened and then suddenly, he was staring at Vic.

“Brian, you didn't listen, did you?” the older man said, shaking his head.

“Where are we? This isn't Babylon,” Brian said worriedly. A white room surrounded Brian. Usually when he saw his dead Uncle in his dreams, the setting was in a dance club or in some kind of comic book-like scene.

“No, it's not. That is my version of the after-life, not yours,” Vic said softly. “This is just a stopping point.”

Brian looked around again, spinning on the heels of his bare feet. Trying to pinpoint anything other than white, but he couldn’t. White was all that he could see. There was blinding white light radiating off of the walls that rippled. He closed his eyes and rubbed his shaking hands over his face. “So, I'm dreaming?” Brian’s muttered the words through his hands.

Vic walked closer and pulled Brian's hands down from his face. He waited until the man's hazel gaze centered onto his own. ”You aren't dreaming, Brian,” he told him morosely, squeezing Brian's hands in his.

Brian backed away from Vic, dropping his hands. ”What is....” he trailed off and became pale. “Am I dead?” Now his voice shook.

“No,” Vic told him.

Brian's face went from pained to slightly relieved. ”So why am I...wherever this place is?”

“I said you weren't dead, but you will be in a few days, Brian.” Vic's voice was filled with sadness. “if you continue to want to go on living like you are dying.”

“What are you talking about?” Brian yelled. “I'm getting the treatments. I got a ball removed for Christ’s sakes! I’d say that shows that I am willing to live, to beat the cancer. The doctors say I'm going to be just fine!” He started walking backwards but Vic seemed to be floating closer to him.

“How many of those pain pills did you take on an empty stomach, Brian?” Vic asked him. “Are you sure they were the pain pills for the incision and not Justin’s script of Phenytoin?”

Brian shook his head back and forth, his pace halted. ”I don't remember.”

“Six, Brian. You took six, added to the two Percocets. You could barely see what bottle you opened. But you took a handful of them anyway,” Vic informed him angrily. “You took them haphazardly because you didn't want your lover waking you up to help you when you needed your next dose of the Percocet.”

“I don't need Justin's help,” Brian retorted. “He doesn't need to be spending his time coddling me!”

“Apparently you do since the chicken soup he forced down your throat is the only thing keeping you alive right now.” Vic grabbed Brian’s hand and pulled him toward the closest wall.

“Vic! What are you doing?” Brian asked. He tried to grind his feet on the white floor but his feet gave no friction. He was surprised at the dead man's strength.

“You need to see this!” Vic yelled back dragging him along.

“Vic!” Brian closed his eyes just as the wall came closer to his vision. He thought the man was about to slam him up against what looked to be the end of the room and turned into a white wall. “Are you trying to kill me?” Brian screamed.

A tingly sensation went through his body and he opened his eyes, shocked when he didn't hit the wall. He looked around him and saw he stood in the kitchen of his loft. He didn't see Vic standing behind him.

Brian blinked a few times and let out the breath he'd been holding. “I must have been sleep walking,” he thought. He looked down at his body, noticing he was still wearing his gray sweatpants. Brian felt overwhelmingly tired and he wanted to go back to sleep. “Stupid nightmare.” He started to walk out of the kitchen, but stopped when he heard Justin’s voice.

“Please…. God… anyone who can hear me.”

Brian walked toward the bedroom and stopped when he saw Justin kneeling on the stairs going up to it.

“Just let him be okay,” the blond whimpered. Heavy tears fell down Justin’s pale cheeks and onto the wooden stairs as he bowed his head.

Brian stared, shock-stock still at his lover. He'd never seen Justin pray. Hell, the boy had told him many times that he didn't believe in God. But there he was, looking up into the bedroom as if it was an altar. Justin was praying.

“Let him help him, like he helped me. He needs me. I know he does.”

Justin sobbed out that last few words at the end. They punched into Brian's heart and silenced anything he would have said to alert Justin to his presence.

“Help him believe that I won't leave him. I... I... love him.” Justin collapsed forward and started to cry furiously.

Brian watched as Justin's body shook. He felt choked up and opened his mouth to say something but just when he was about to he saw Justin raise his head and look up into the bedroom again. He looked on as the blond rose to his feet on shaky limbs and climbed the stairs, disappearing into the bedroom. Brian took a step to go after him.

“I wouldn't do that if I were you.”

Brian nearly jumped out of his skin and spun around to see Vic leaning up against the refrigerator. “Back again. Great! Justin would love to see you too!” Brian reached forward and tried to pull Vic out of the kitchen and in the direction of the bedroom.

“Brian, my boy, stop! I'm telling you. Stop. You don't want to go in there.” Vic halted his steps and Brian let go of him.

“This is my house. I can go where I want,” Brian yelled back like a petulant child. He stalked toward his bedroom.

Vic watched as Brian stalled in his angry footsteps going up the stairs. He was there, behind him in a flash.

“What the fuck is going on?” Brian roared. He looked back and forth between Justin and the figure in the bed. ”Justin!” he yelled out.

The blond did not acknowledge Brian.

Justin sat on the bed with a sketchbook in his hands and drew Brian's figure as he studied the man in front of him.

Brian walked up into the room and tried to shake Justin. His touch passed through Justin’s body as if he were a ghost. “Justin!” Brian yelled again. “Justin! What’s going on? I’m here, Justin!”

Vic had seen enough. He went into the bedroom and pulled Brian back against him, trapping his wiggling body in his arms. “Shh, my boy. Settle down. You wanted to see this scene and now I can't stop it. Neither can you,” he whispered.

“What are you talking about?” Brian asked. He struggled against the older man's super-human strength. Quick movement on the bed brought Brian's attention from Vic to Justin again.

Justin tossed his supplies aside and knelt at the head of the bed beside Brian's face. “Brian?” Justin put his ear next too Brian's lips. “Brian!” he screamed in panic and reached out to shake the brunet's body.

“Justin! I'm right here!” Brian screamed. “That isn't me, Justin.”

“That is you,” Vic told him. “This is your present.”

Brian looked at Vic. ”Who the hell are you? The grim reaper?”

“I’m your guide, Brian. I always have been. I guess I didn’t do a good enough job when I was alive,” Vic told him.

Brian shook his head at Vic. He didn’t know how to reply to that.

Justin jumped from the bed suddenly and rushed through Brian and Vic's bodies. He grabbed the telephone from the living room and raced back into the bedroom faster than they could move.

“Yes, this is an emergency,” he said into the receiver. Justin took off the blankets from Brian's body. He gripped the man’s hand tightly. “My partner isn't breathing. He has cancer,” he cried out into the phone. “The address is 6219 Tremont Street, top floor.” Tears continued to fall helplessly down Justin's face. ”You want me to give him C.P.R.? Yes, I know how to do it, okay.”

Justin put the phone down beside him and started to administer C.P.R. to Brian. “Come on, Brian,” he whispered in between breaths.

“Why are you letting this happen?” Brian roared. His own eyes filled with tears. He glared at Vic. “Stop this! Look at him! He’s going out of breath. He’s going to have a panic attack!”

“The only one you have to blame this time is yourself, Brian,” Vic told Brian in a soft firm voice. He squeezed Brian’s weakening body to his chest. They both felt the immense pain Justin was in radiating out of his body, as the boy continued trying to revive Brian's body with his own breath.

Justin tried the C.P.R. repeatedly. Breathing and then manually pumping Brian’s heart, but nothing was working.

Brian and Vic watched Justin helplessly. Brian was stunned into silence by the scene that took place before him. It wouldn’t be the last time. A buzz rang through the loft and this time Vic pulled Brian out of the way as Justin raced down the stairs of the bedroom and over to the speaker.

“It's open!” he yelled buzzing the building's entrance door before yanking open the large metal loft door. He could hear the loud noise of people running up stairs outside the loft. Justin ran back to Brian's bedside. “They're coming, baby. They're almost here.” Justin bent down and kissed Brian's breathless lips. “Hold on, Brian, please! Please, Brian. Please, don’t do this. Don’t leave Gus.”

Justin looked over at the loft's door from the platformed bedroom and called the paramedics. “Up here! He's up here!”

Brian and Vic watched the scene helplessly as Justin told them everything he knew about Brian’s condition. Brian and Vic were helplessly pulled along with the blond as he raced down the stairs behind Brian's body that the medics strapped to a gurney.

Vic forced Brian into the ambulance to sit beside a dazed looking Justin. Brian noticed that Justin's hand never left his lifeless looking one. He ached to reach out and touch Justin, but knew he could not. Brian and Vic could only sit back and watch the horrifying scene as the ambulance drove on.

Once at the hospital, the doctors told Justin to stay outside of the emergency room where they wheeled Brian. Justin didn’t know what to do. He tried calling their family and friends but it seemed like the Devil was controlling his fate. He only reached voicemails. Justin left them all messages as he waited and paced and constantly asked for updates that weren’t forthcoming from the nurses.

**********

Justin was beyond scared for his lover. It had been hours and no one from their family or friends had called him back, and he had no word on Brian. The doctors and nurses wouldn’t tell Justin anything regarding Brian’s care. Brian had not put Justin’s name anywhere in his records. Essentially, this made Justin no one to Brian. After five hours of waiting and continuous calls to unreachable cell phones, Justin stood up from the uncomfortable waiting room chair and went to the desk once again. ”Please just tell me if he's okay,” Justin asked the nurse he’d pleaded with countless times before.

“I'm sorry, Mr. Taylor. Your name is not listed as his power of attorney, next of kin, you aren’t legally bound to him and you aren't family. We can't tell you anything,” the woman told him remorsefully. “It's hospital policy. I could lose my job.”

“But, but, he's my partner!” Justin lost any of the control he’d maintained and sobbed. ”I just need to know if he's alive. Brian was barely breathing when we got out of the ambulance. Please, can you just go find that out? I'm begging you.” Justin slammed his fists on the counter, his fingers hung onto it as his knees started to give out.

“Stop this, Vic!” Brian yelled as he walked up behind Justin. They had been in the waiting room, watching Justin the last five hours. It tore Brian apart to see Justin there waiting for him and asking about his condition with desperation. Brian didn’t think he was worth the pain Justin felt because of him. “Please, Vic!”

“You know I can’t stop this, Brian,” Vic told him sadly.

Brian went and tried to help the boy stand, but his fingers only passed through Justin’s living body, sending tingles through him.

“Vic…” Brian pleaded looking back at his Uncle.

“I can't stop anything you already put in motion. I can only prevent...”

“Fuck you!” Brian interrupted. “What did you do to us? What did you do to me?” Brian charged at Vic.

The older man easily evaded Brian. He hoped that letting the angry man shout and wail accusations would clear the man's head. After a few moments, Vic took Brian into his arms once again and restrained him. ”Turn around and look at Justin carefully, Brian,” he ordered.

By this time, Justin had returned to his chair. He stared emotionless and motionless at nothing. And then yet again he broke down suddenly. Justin put his blond head in his hands and whimpered, his shoulders shaking.

“You are afraid of commitment. You put Mikey as your Power of Attorney, Brian. Do you see what it got you? What it got Justin? Who do you think is his P.O.A., Brian? I'll give you one guess!” Vic informed Brian.

Brian broke away from Vic's loosened hold when he saw Michael rush into the doors of the emergency area and head straight for the desk. ”Someone called me about Brian Kinney?”

Justin's head popped when he heard Brian's name. He ran over to the desk toward Michael. “Michael, I’ve been trying to call everyone for hours. No one picked up any of their phones. Oh god, Michael please, they won't let me in there with him. They won't even tell me if he's alive.”

“What happened?” Michael yelled, turning from the nurse behind the desk. He glared at Justin. “A nurse called me and told me he was unconscious.”

Justin wiped his eyes with his hands and cleared his throat. “I don't know. He was j-j-just fine and then he...he...wasn't breathing.” Justin's voice sounded hoarse from all the crying and pleading he'd done. ”I’m afraid he may have taken too…too…many of his pain pills.”

“What do you mean too many pain pills? Weren't you looking after him?” Michael accused.

“He didn’t know, Mikey!” Brian yelled, going between Justin and the dark haired man to yell in Mikey’s face.

Vic shook his head and grabbed Brian, taking him away from the scene. ”I'm not very proud of my nephew right now, Brian, but you need to realize that you gave him this power over Justin.”

“What the fuck?” Brian looked back at his best friend and lover.

“I did take care of h-h-him, Michael. I did. I swear!” Justin sobbed. “I made him chicken soup. He took me b…b…back and I made him chicken s...s…soup,” Justin said, delirious from the pain and confusion.

Michael turned back to the nurse behind the desk. “Can you please update me on Brian Kinney's condition? I'm Michael Novotny-Bruckner.” Michael pulled his I.D. card out of his wallet and showed the woman.

“Yes, sir,” the nurse said. She gave Justin an apologetic smile and stood up from her desk. “Let me go find out his condition from the doctor. I’ll be just a moment.” She left the waiting/reception area and disappeared through the emergency doors.

Michael glared at a wilting Justin the entire ten minutes the woman was gone. When she came back, her face was very sullen looking. “He’s been stabilized,” she told Michael

“Thank God!” Justin freaked out, drawing the nurse’s and Michael’s attention to him.

“Can we talk about this in private please?” Michael asked snidely.

“Of course, sir,” the woman said. She once again looked at Justin and smiled apologetically. “I can lead you to his room. They have him in stable condition and you may speak with Dr. Rhine about his care.”

“Thank you,” Michael said. He started to follow her out of the waiting room.

“Michael, please! I read the handbook, I did! I didn’t listen to his bullshit and I did just what he wanted. I promise,” Justin yelled. “He was just fine when he got in bed! He was sick from the treatments but…”

Michael turned around sharply. “Well you obviously skipped over some parts then, didn’t you? Like how to make sure that he didn’t overdose on drugs? I left him in your care and look where he is now.”

Brian couldn’t stand watching this any longer. “Shut up, Michael! Shut the fuck up. It’s nobody’s fault that I’m in here but my own!” Brian got in between Michael and Justin again, spitting his words into the black haired man’s face.

Vic stepped up and pulled Brian to him again as Michael turned away from Justin. “We need to follow Michael,” Vic told him.

Brian looked at Justin. The boy cried helplessly into his hands. He reached out and tried to touch his spiky blond hair when Justin suddenly tore his hands away from his face and popped his head up. “Brian,” Justin whimpered.

Blue eyes stared at Brian’s for a moment and Brian felt his heart quicken as he thought Justin could see him. But then, Justin’s eyes darted back toward Michael and a second later he felt tingles as Justin’s body passed through his own.

“Michael. Brian would want me in there with him. Please let me come with you,” Justin said, obviously trying to get his composure back as he ran after Michael.

Michael turned around once more. “No. He wouldn’t,” he said, with a definite tone.

Justin held in a sob. His cell phone started to ring. He sighed dejectedly and moved back toward the couches. “Mom?” Justin said his mother’s name with a sob into the receiver. “Brian’s in the hospital. Please come!”

Brian watched Justin for a moment, glad that he’d have his mother there soon with him. He then turned around to Vic. “Well, Mikey was right about that one.”

“He’s right that you wouldn’t want Justin in there to see you? You don’t even know what you look like lying in that room. What are you so worried about? That he’d see you weak? That he’d want to hold your hand and will you to live?” Vic spat in anger. “Come on.” Vic shook his head at Brian. “Let’s go.”

“Where?” Brian couldn’t even get the whole word out. He stood inside his own hospital room.

Michael sat in the chair beside his body, holding onto his limp hand, talking to a doctor that stood over him.

“So you don’t know if he’s going to wake up?”

“Of course I’ll fucking wake up, Mikey,” Brian said exasperated. His eyes scanned his body that was lying in the bed. He could practically feel the itchy, starchy material of the hospital issued sheets and blankets that cocooned him. His face was a very pale white, as were his lips that wrapped around a breathing tube down his throat. There were several machines beeping and whirring, measuring his life with the tubes and wires attached to him. It occurred to him that as sickly as he looked, he also looked peaceful.

“That’s because you’re almost dead,” he heard Vic say, reading his thoughts. “People in comas almost always look peaceful.”

Brian was going to refute the claim and tell him all about how damaged and tortured Justin had looked when the boy had been in his coma, instead though, he chose not to verbally say anything back. Vic could hear him anyway.

Brian gave his attention to listening to what the doctor was telling Michael. He was surprised the man was keeping it together so well, even if he had treated Justin like shit. Brian thought for sure that Michael would be a sobbing mess, but he wasn’t. That actually irked Brian more than it comforted him.

“We have no way of knowing whether or not Brian will wake up. We will run some tests tomorrow to test his brain activity again, but with what we’ve already seen, the prognosis isn’t hopeful,” the man said.

“So what exactly happened?” Michael asked.

“We ran a blood test and found that he had high levels of Percocet and Phenytoin in his system. I reviewed his medical records and we aren’t sure why he had Phenytoin in his blood. Do you have any idea?” the doctor asked. “It’s usually a drug…”

“I’ve known Brian to use many different prescription and non-prescription drugs for recreational purposes, Doctor,” Michael interrupted. “It was probably something he wanted to try out, but didn’t realize they’d mess with one another,” Michael explained.

“Way to go, Mikey! Sell me out as a drug addict why don’t you?” Brian yelled in sarcastic anger.

“Justin wouldn’t have done that,” Vic murmured.

“He had a severe reaction to the medication. The amount we found in him was lethal.”

“Lethal?” Michael said softly. “I can’t believe this.”

“His immune system is practically non-existent because of the radio-therapy he’s been enduring the last couple of weeks. He had next to nothing in his stomach to dilute the pills. This is good and bad. Good because some of the pills weren’t able to dissolve but it was bad because it made it very hard to pump his stomach. The E.M.T’s that brought him in said that his friend gave him a bowl of chicken soup before he went to sleep. That’s probably what saved him and kept him alive.”

“Chicken soup?” Michael couldn‘t believe it. “He never eats chicken soup.”

”Well, thankfully his friend got him to eat some.” The doctor continued when Michael nodded his head in agreement. “We administered an I.V. of fluids and gave him some blood to help flush his system. However, he did not awaken when we gave him a shot of adrenaline so it is most likely that the medication already reached his brain. This is most likely why he isn’t showing signs of brain activity. He’s had a severe overdose and the reactions of the medication have had a toxic effect.”

“S-s-so that’s why he’s still knocked out? The pills are still in his system?” Michael guessed.

“Mr. Novotny, Brian isn’t just asleep. He isn’t in a medically induced coma. In the small tests that we did, his brain activity was practically undetectable. The medicine most likely has poisoned his brain which may very well cause brain damage or at the very least nerve damage. The overdose is what put him in a coma. I know this is hard to hear. I hate to deliver any bad news to family. This being the Holiday Season makes it even worse. No one wants to go through anything like this, this time of year. But you told me you wanted me to be completely honest with you. And I have been.” The doctor took Brian’s chart from the table and looked at it again.

“He hated Christmas anyway,” Michael whispered. “I think he’d like it if he just slept right through it anyway.”

“You’re wrong, Michael!” Brian said outraged. His voice echoed in the room only to Vic’s ears. He paced back and forth. “You’re so wrong, Michael. You’re wrong about everything!”

Vic took in Brian’s behavior and allowed the man to vent. He thought that he might get over the test a lot sooner than he originally thought and they could both go back home.

“You see!” Brian turned his attention back to Vic, stopping in front of him. “This is why Justin shouldn’t be in here. Michael is wrong about the whole ‘sleeping’ thing. I’d rather be awake and…”

“He’s going to wake up though, right?” Michael asked the Doctor interrupting Brian’s tirade, though he hadn’t actually heard it.

“He may not. We will take him for some tests tomorrow morning, and we will know more then,” Doctor Rhine said.

Michael looked over at Brian’s body and then back at the doctor. “Is this the worst case scenario?” he asked weakly.

“It depends on how the tests turn out. Are you asking what will happen if Brian doesn’t show any signs of brain activity?”

“Yes,” Michael confirmed quietly.

“Then we will be dealing with the worst case scenario. He will probably never wake up if there are still no signs of activity. You may want to inform his family and friends. You may want to have them come in to say goodbye to Brian.” Dr. Rhine cleared his throat. “I’ll need you to sign some papers. I’ll have them up at the nurse’s ICU station.”

Michael nodded numbly at the doctor. He took a deep breath. “But that is the worst case scenario, right? I mean, there is a chance he can wake up?”

“I’ve told you the worst case scenario?” Doctor Rhine said. “If he hasn’t awakened within the next forty-eight hours starting tomorrow, it is likely he never will. Brain activity doesn’t usually just suddenly appear after an overdose as severe as Brian’s. You’ll need to decide whether you want to keep him alive through the artificial means necessary or…”

 

Scrooged

Chapter 2 "This is NOT the Future!"

“Pull the plug?” Michael interrupted bluntly, his voice wobbled on the words.

Dr. Rhine nodded his head. ”Essentially,” he confirmed. “There is more to it than that. If somehow Brian regains brain activity and is able to breathe without the aid of the machine, he may survive. Things can change. Miracles sometimes do happen in the medical world. If Brian does regain consciousness though, there is still no telling what extent of brain damage he may have endured. We won’t know that until he wakes up. The next forty-eight hours are critical, we are preparing for the worst-case. Brian may never wake up from his coma, and if he does, he may have extreme problems with his brain function, affecting everything from coordination, speech or…”

Michael couldn’t bear to hear anymore. “So I’ll have to decide what to do after the tests?”

“You are Brian’s P.O.A. correct?” Dr. Rhine asked.

“Yes, it’s just… that’ll be the day before Christmas Eve,” Michael said softly. “Will I have to decide then?”

“There isn’t a time limit per-se. But no one wants their loved one to suffer any longer than they have to. I’m sorry. We’ve done all we can tonight. I’ll leave you alone with Mr. Kinney.”

“Okay,” Michael whispered. He watched the doctor leave and turned to face Brian’s body. “Well you’ve really done it now, haven’t you, Brian? I can’t believe you’d do this to me. You’d do this to all of us. I can’t believe…”

“Can’t believe what?” Brian roared onto deaf ears. He stalked back and forth in front of his hospital bed.

“I can’t believe that something Justin did is what is saving you. Who would have thought?” Michael unknowingly answered Brian’s enraged question. “Certainly not me. I never would’ve thought that he actually did the right thing.”

“Why don’t you tell him?” Brian shouted. He walked through his body on the bed and leered at Michael.

“He doesn’t need to know any of this though. It’d probably hurt him even more than what you leaving him will do to him,” Michael reasoned.

“More than you hurt him by telling him it was his fault that I’m in here?” Brian asked.

“He wouldn’t be able to take this. Any of this,” Michael spoke. “But you know that, don’t you? That’s why it’ll be up to me to tell them to pull the plug if I have to. It doesn’t sound too good for you, Brian. You really are selfish. You don’t have any idea how much you’ve hurt us all.”

Brian walked back toward Vic. “Stop this,” he said. “Stop this now, Vic!”

“You want it stopped?” Vic asked incredulously.

“You fucking heard me. This is too painful for Michael, for Justin, for any of them!”

“Brian, the only way to stop this now is…”

Brian interrupted him, “Then kill me already. They’ll all be better off with out me anyway. Isn’t that how it’s always been? Isn’t it? That’s what this is about?”

“Brian…”

“No! Just do it! Kill me. Then he doesn’t have to decide a fucking thing!” Brian grabbed onto Vic’s shoulders and started to shake him. “Do it, Vic! You have the power to do it. I know you do!”

“Brian, you don’t want that.”

“I do! I don’t want them to decide. I’m not going to be selfish and hang on so they can either wipe my drool or decide whether I should keep living. Obviously, I’m not supposed to. Just do it. If you love them, kill me!”

Vic pulled Brian close to him and squeezed him tightly to him. “It’s done, Brian.”

“What?” Brian felt tingles run through his body. His vision faded in and out. He felt as though he was falling into a black hole and then a white hole, repeatedly until his vision cleared.

Vic stood in front of a grave marked with his name.

Brian Aiden Kinney

1971-2004

Beloved Partner, Father and Friend

Brian cringed at the sentimentality etched into the snow-covered marble. He looked around the deserted graveyard and then met Vic’s eyes. “So where do we go from here?”

Vic looked at the man and shook his head in amazement. “Do you think that just because you died its all over with? You think everyone’s lives will just go on as though nothing happened. You think people just stop hurting?”

Brian didn’t answer. A car pulling up toward the gravesite drew his attention. At first, he didn’t recognize the car, but as it got closer and parked in the closest area to his grave, he could see exactly who was behind the wheel of the car. Stunned speechless, Brian watched the driver get out of the vehicle and slowly walk toward his grave.

“I can do this. I can do this. I can do this,” Brian heard the muttered words through pink chapped lips.

“I can do this,” Justin said again. He carefully trudged through the slippery snow. “It’ll be okay. I can do this.”

When Justin finally reached Brian’s grave, his appearance made Brian audibly gasp in horrid surprise. “Justin!”

The blond fell to his knees in the snow. He didn’t care that it was freezing outside, he didn’t care that the sludge and unsettled dirt covering Brian’s grave messed up his clothing. “This is so hard,” he whispered as he moved his hands from inside his jacket to reveal a bouquet of daisies and a ratty teddy bear. “Brian,” Justin whimpered.

“He looks terrible, doesn’t he, Brian? Doesn’t look like Justin moved on at all, huh? He looks much worse than what he looked like in the hospital waiting to see if you were alive.”

Brian crouched down next to Justin. He heard the boy’s labored breathing and hiccups. Justin tried his best not to cry, and Brian knew that the shaking Justin’s body made was not only because of the cold. “You don’t need to cry for me, Sunshine. I’m not worth it. Don’t you know that?”

“Happy New Year, Brian.” Justin placed the daisies on the mound of earth. “I’m trying to be strong here. I’m trying not to lose it and cry all over the place.”

Brian nodded his head. “You’re doing well,” he whispered. “You’ll be okay, Sunshine.”

“But I don’t think I can take it. I know that you’ve been gone for a week but I haven’t got a handle on any of this. It seems like a big fucking nightmare and I keep thinking you are going to wake up,” Justin laughed pitifully as tears started to fall. “I keep thinking you’re going to come back to me. But you’re…” Justin dug one of his hands into the ground and crumpled the dirt and snow between his fingers. “You’re under all this. This isn’t where you’re supposed to be, Brian.”

“You never complained when I lay under you before, Sunshine,” Brian said. The joke was pitiful.

“I know you hate roses so I brought you daisies. I remember you said daisies were the one flower you liked. You told me, you were drunk of course, but you told me one of your happy memories from childhood was when you helped Vic plant them in his garden when you visited him in New York with Debbie and Michael.” Justin leaned down further and placed the ratty teddy bear onto the stone’s base. “This is my teddy bear from when I was a little boy. His name is Gus. I never told you, but that’s why I liked that name. That’s why I chose it. It wasn’t just because I didn’t like the name Abraham.” Justin placed a kiss on the bear on its dingy black nose and leaned back up, wiping his tears with his hands.

“Fuck Justin,” Brian gasped. He reached out to touch Justin again but stopped before he saw his hand pass through Justin’s body again.

“I’m leaving him here. I should’ve put him inside with…” Justin hiccupped. “Anyway, this way you always have a piece of your Sonny-boys with you. I…I don’t think I’ll be back, Brian. I’m sorry I didn’t go to your funeral but I just couldn’t. I know what happened is my fault. The family is all trying to talk to me, console me. They all think I’ll go on without you. But they don’t know what its like. I can’t go on, here, without you beside me. I’ve packed up, and tonight I’m moving on. I’m moving far away from all the memories we created together. I don’t want to be alive in a world without you in it. Don’t worry. I’m not going to off myself. But, at least if I get out of the Pitts… Well, I won’t be stuck in this world that constantly reminds me of you.”

“Justin,” Brian whispered. He felt tears stream down his own face. Justin sobbed hard. His entire body heaved with emotions and Brian badly wanted to touch and comfort him, but he couldn’t.

“I’m going to be your artist, Brian. You’ll forever be my muse. I won’t forget you. I couldn’t, but I need to try to move on and start a different life.”

Brian looked toward Vic. “You see, Vic. Justin’s going to finally get out of this town. He’ll be the famous artist he was meant to be!”

Vic nodded his head.

Brian mistook his gesture as agreement and not as the forced acceptance, which it was. “Sunshine will shine again,” Brian whispered. He turned his attention to Justin. “You will be okay, Justin.”

Brian’s vision blackened and then faded to white and back again. Tingles coursed through his body and he opened his eyes and stood in what appeared to be an art studio.

Next to Brian, Vic reached out and held his hand. “This is the future that Justin has now. He lives this future because you died, Brian.”

Brian looked around the messy large room. Canvases and paintings were strewn everywhere around the room. Sketchbooks and supplies littered every available surface. Nothing seemed to be organized. But Brian knew Justin knew where everything was. He always did. It was controlled chaos.

Brian’s eyes caught site of a large painting that lay on the biggest table in the room. Fresh paints, brushes and turpentine sat beside it as though the artist had left in the middle of painting it. It was a dark abstract piece. There was no light or love. Hell, it didn’t really even look like a Justin Taylor piece, but Brian knew that it was by the depth of emotion he felt looking at it. Brian never had been as affected by art as he was by Justin’s.

Brian turned toward the sound of a door opening on the other side of the room. At first, Brian wasn’t sure if what he saw was real. He didn’t think that who he saw before him was really Justin Taylor. The man was older, yes, but that wasn’t what startled Brian. Justin’s appearance was completely unkempt. Justin’s lifeless blue eyes were framed behind a pair of thick-rimmed glasses. His hair was no longer a soft, glowing blond. It was stringy and gray, tied up haphazardly into a ponytail at his neck. He wore a brown sweater that was huge on his frail looking body. Brian couldn’t believe how bad the hollow cheeks on Justin’s face looked. The pouty pink lips had turned blotchy, wrinkly, and chapped.

Brian always caught Justin chewing on his lips when he stressed out or concentrated on a new painting. Brian would often draw attention to Justin’s habit and then throw a tube of lip balm at the boy. Justin usually smiled brightly at him in thanks. He would stop whatever he was doing to kiss Brian, transferring the substance to Brian’s lips.

Brian looked on as Justin moved stiffly, limping over to the table. He carried a glass of water in his left hand. The man’s right arm curled up awkwardly toward his chest and his hand squeezed into a tight fist. “Just give me a moment and I’ll finish,” Justin spoke sitting down at the table.

Brian looked around the room, wondering if he’d missed seeing anyone else in it. There wasn’t anyone there. Justin talked to himself.

Vic watched Brian closely for the man’s reaction. He hated that he had to do this, but there was no other way. It wasn’t time for Brian to die. He had to show the stubborn man this. Brian needed to know exactly how lucky he was to have the life he had. He needed to appreciate Justin’s love and devotion. Vic realized that the only way to do that was to throw it in Brian’s face.

Justin took his right hand in his left and pried his fingers apart. “Come on, fuck!” he gritted out. His teeth clenched and he breathed hard as his fingers finally loosened enough to drop four different pills onto the metal table. He let out a long breath and closed his eyes tightly.

Brian saw two tears trace their way down Justin’s pale cheek and felt his heart break. He watched in horror as the artist picked up the pills, his hands shaking in effort, placed them on his tongue and then drank a long swallow of his water. This was not at all how Brian had pictured Justin’s life in the future. Not at all.

A beeping that sounded like a pager started going off, coming from the high-tech looking computer across the room.

“I’m coming. I’m coming,” Justin said loudly. He limped over to the computer screen.

Brian followed him. He held his breath as he heard Justin groan in pain as he sat down in the leather chair.

“Hello?” Justin spoke, his voice forced to sound cheerful.

The screen came on revealing a site that had Brian falling unsteadily into Vic’s awaiting arms.

“Hi, Dad,” Gus said.

Brian looked around, expecting to see another version of him come from somewhere in the studio.

“Hi, Gus,” Justin answered softly. Gus was a spitting image of what Brian looked like when he was in his late twenties. Nothing on the boy revealed any of Lindsay’s features except that his eyes were a darker, deeper brown than Brian’s. It was as though it was him reincarnated.

“You don’t look very good, Dad. Are you okay?” Gus asked worriedly. “Well, never mind answering that question. I know you aren’t all right.”

Justin sniffled, “Yeah, well. I’ll be fine, it’s just because it’s…”

“Tomorrow. I know. Twenty-five years since Daddy died.” Gus wiped at his eyes. “But don’t worry. I’ll bring by Will and the kids in the morning. You know I’d never let you spend Christmas Eve alone.”

Justin tried to smile. “You’re a good son.”

“And you’re a good Dad. I’m glad I’ve had you my whole life. Even if…” he stopped and took a deep breath.

“It’s okay Gus,” Justin croaked. “I’d rather have him here too. There was a time when I thought we might be parents together. To you and to a child of my own, but that was just a dream. Brian never wanted that with me, besides you I mean.”

“Dad, are you taking care of yourself?” the younger man asked. Gus changed the subject because he could tell that Justin was about to break down. They’d had the conversation about ‘what might have been’ many times and it always resulted in Justin sobbing uncontrollably until he passed out, exhausted from the cry. Gus wanted to be beside his Father if that was going to happen.

“I am. As well as I can,” Justin told him.

“Did you take your medicine? You know you can’t forget. I really don’t want to come over and find you in the middle of a seizure ever again!” Gus admonished.

Brian felt his body run icy cold. “A seizure?” he wondered. “Why was Justin having seizures?” He turned toward Vic. “What’s going on, Vic? This isn’t what…”

“This isn’t what you imagined would happen to Justin? Or how about to Gus?” Vic asked. “Did you think he’d be so sad on Christmas Eve?”

“Gus? He looks happy?” Brian retorted. “But Justin…”

“Justin is completely miserable. He’s been having severe seizures since shortly after he moved to New York. A mugger hit him with the but of a gun, right on his head. Same place the bat hit. The injury affected his entire body. He’s in constant physical and emotional pain, Brian. It was three years before he could hold anything in his left hand. His entire right side of his body is stiff. The attack paralyzed parts of Justin’s left side for almost five years,” Vic told Brian. “He went through hell. Do you want to see that too?”

“What? No, I don’t want to see that! This isn’t possible!” Brian said closing his eyes. “This isn’t possible, Vic. Justin is fine. He’s a famous artist and…. and Gus is fine too. He has a family and he grew up well without having a shitty father like me! He got to have Justin as a father.” Brian sunk down to his knees and put his hands over his eyes.

“He isn’t, Brian,” Vic stated firmly. “Justin is a mess. He barely eats or sleeps. His art is all dark and full of doom and fear. The only person he visits with is Gus, and his family. But they come here because Justin can’t bear to leave the house. He’s scared of every thing, Brian. Everything! Worse than before. This studio is part of a big huge house in the countryside of West Virginia. Gates line the property and he even has a twenty-four hour guard at the front gate. He can afford it because he’s extremely wealthy from his paintings. You got that part right. He’s a famous artist. But he isn’t better off without you. He blames himself for what happened to you and he avoided all contact from everyone back in Pittsburgh except Gus and Lindsay. He hates himself and who he became without you. The only reason he goes on living is for Gus and your grandchildren. And Gus nearly got himself killed. He was an alcoholic at twelve, Brian! Lindsay was going to put him in juvenile hall until Justin stepped in and gained custody of him, even though he could barely take care of himself. Justin couldn’t watch out for Gus then because of the attack and it tears himself up. He blames himself because he knows that Gus started getting into trouble because he was afraid that Justin would die too.”

“No!” Brian screamed. “No, this isn’t right. This isn’t what happened. This isn’t Justin’s life. It isn’t!”

Vic bent down and touched Brian’s shoulder. “Yes it is,” he answered.

In the same instant, Vic affirmed the future’s images, tingles started in Brian’s body. His vision turned from black to white and back again until the magic brought them back so they stood in the all white room. Brian felt the change and looked up and around him. He was glad that he’d left those visions behind. He couldn’t handle seeing that future’s reality any longer. “That wasn’t real,” Brian said, getting his bearings.

Vic sat down on the expanse of white floor. “That was Justin’s life. He never let anyone touch him but you. Can you imagine? You know Justin’s sexual appetite, his need better than anyone, Brian. Can you imagine him living twenty-five years without you? Hell, he can’t even pleasure himself because of his coordination and the medication he’s on weakened his sex drive so that it's barely even there.”

“Fuck that!” Brian roared. He laughed in despair, “Justin wouldn’t ever go that long without sex! You expect me to believe that is his reality without me. He would’ve found someone else to take my place. It wasn’t hard for him to do the first time with Ian. He would have found some guy that gave him everything I wouldn’t.”

“No, Brian. Justin never could. He barely accepted hugs from Gus, his mother or sister. Justin won’t even hold your grandchildren. He’s terrified that he’ll have a seizure and drop Brian, that’s Gus’ youngest, he’s only five months old. You see, when Taylor, Gus’ little girl, she’s three, well when she was little Justin’s hand twitched harshly and he nearly threw her off his lap because of it. He’s afraid to touch them since that happened, because he doesn’t want to injure them.”

“But it was an accident,” Brian said.

“Of course it was,” Vic assured Brian. “But Justin doesn’t see it that way.”

“Fuck.” Brian sat down beside Vic. “Gus named his son after me and his little girl after…”

“The most important people in his life, yeah. Taylor Justine Kinney and Brian William. It’s a shame you couldn’t have been around to meet them.”

Brian shook his head, trying to imagine his grown up son being the father to two children. “Gus is gay? So how did they…”

“Molly.”

“Justin’s sister?” Brian gasped.

“She’s only a few years older than Gus. By the time Will and Gus were ready to start a family she’d already had two little girls of her own. Her husband Jason is Gus’ best friend. She’s always been very close to your son. Molly didn’t want Gus to miss out on having a family with his partner. Not the way Justin had to. He mourns for you every single day, Brian. Every single day. He isn’t really living without you. He’s just breathing from one day to the next.”

Brian stood up abruptly. “You fix this right fucking now. This isn’t what I wanted! Justin doesn’t deserve this, Vic. You know that!”

Vic stood up and stopped Brian from pacing. “You just don’t get it, do you, Brian?”

“Get what, old man?” Brian yelled cruelly, beyond frustrated with what he thought were only mind games.

“You really think that your untimely death affected no one negatively? You think that what you saw in that studio wasn’t real?” Vic spoke tiredly now, “You really do?”

Brian raised his hands up in the air and then put them down, thinking about Vic’s words. “Look. No matter what happens with me, Justin ends up hurting right? No matter if I live or die he ends up having a shitty life. So what choice do I have then? I’d rather be dead than see him hurt and let him have to deal with me and all the pain I’ll cause him. I’ll be an invalid, Vic. Do you know what that’s…” Brian stopped talking when he saw the hurt look on Vic’s face.

“I know exactly what it’s like, Brian,” Vic grinded out through clenched teeth. “I know what it’s like to have my older sister take care of me at forty years old like I was an infant! I know what it’s like to have something boiling inside you, a time clock counting the days until you die. I know what it’s like. I didn’t want to meet anyone I might love because I was afraid that when I died or disappointed them I’d hurt them even more. I know what that is like better than you do, Brian. But I also know that I’d go through that all again to know that Debbie and I could laugh one more time together. I’d go back and watch my partner die of AIDS rather than me suddenly die of an unexpected heart attack and leave him all alone. I would, Brian! I would do it because those moments of happiness with them, the life we lived together, it was worth all the hurt. They know that and I know that. I showed you what Justin turned out like because he was, by far, affected the worst by your death. But he wasn’t the only one. Your entire family’s lives have changed for the worse, Brian.”

“No!” Brian roared in protest.

“Yes, Brian! Because you couldn’t allow Justin to care for you, to love you as much as you never admitted that you loved him. I’m not a coward, Brian. I took that chance on love!”

Tears spilled abruptly down Brian’s face as Vic screamed at him. He didn’t want anyone to hurt because of him. No one. Not Justin. Not Gus. Not Michael. None of his family. Because, that’s all his biological family had ever done to him. Hurt him… always. Physically, mentally, emotionally, he was always in pain. Always, until he built up the walls around himself. He didn’t let anyone in, not really. There was always something separating them from him, until Justin. And the last thing he would ever want is to hurt Justin or his real family. But they’d be hurt whether he lived or died.

Everything had all changed because of Justin Taylor. Meeting Justin Taylor changed his life and everyone else’s. He was close to Michael, Debbie and Vic before Justin, but he didn’t have all the other attachments he’d created until Justin had made him become a better man. Justin had made him strive to love and care for his friends and that’s why they were in pain when he’d died. They were in pain because they knew Brian loved them and they would miss him. Brian affected their lives for the better. If he’d never met Justin then Justin wouldn’t know what he was missing. Justin would go to Dartmouth as his father wanted. Justin would have gone back home the night on Liberty that they met. Justin told him that later that first night. Had Brian not walked toward him and picked him up, Justin would have gotten into a cab and headed back to his friend’s house for the night seconds later. And Brian would still have his walls. His friends never would have cared enough about his life to care that he died.

“Maybe Justin shouldn’t have ever met me then, Vic?” Brian said aloud. He wiped the tears from his face. His heart broke. “Make it so that Justin and I never met, Vic! I want to make so that we never met at all. I’d never have the chance to hurt him.”

Vic heard Brian’s inner dialog. He knew this was the last chance. If he didn’t show Brian the reality of what Brian would need to do with his life, than Brian was damned. “You sure you want that?”

“Yes,” Brian pleaded. “Yes.”

“You and Justin never met, Brian.”

As Vic said the words, tingles started to take over Brian’s body. Brian faded in and out of color and he stood, once again near a familiar plot in the graveyard. Only, it wasn’t snowing. It was cold and the ground was wet but there wasn’t snow on the dirt-covered mound beside Brian and Vic.

Though, a bouquet of daisies and the same teddy bear sat on the mound of earth.

“This is the past,” Vic whispered.

“I still died?” Brian asked, turning toward Vic.

Vic shook his head no and pointed at the place marker in the ground. “This is in the past, Brian.”

Brian read the writing on the tombstone repeatedly before it sunk in. “Justin,” he whispered.

“He never met you. You weren’t there to save him from being bashed at his prom,” Vic told him.

Brian turned his glassy green eyes and glared at Vic. “If he didn’t walk me out to the jeep then he wouldn’t have been bashed!”

“That’s not true, Brian,” Vic told him, choked with emotion himself. “He went out to the parking garage to have a cigarette. Justin hadn’t come out to his school yet, that’s true. However, Chris Hobbs harassed him ever since they experimented together one night at Chris’s house. Justin was uncomfortable with it and Chris wanted more. He told Justin that he’d tell the whole school. Justin knew no one else who was gay, and he was terrified about what would happen if anyone found out. He had no one to turn to. Chris blackmailed him and Justin felt lost, confused and scared. He let Chris use him.”

“No! Stop! This isn’t right either, Vic. It’s not!” Brian pleaded.

“I’m sorry, Brian, but it’s true. Chris abused Justin. He raped him, time and time again. Sometimes Justin got off on it, and that made him feel even worse, but he didn’t know what it was like to be with anyone and was so excited that a boy he’d liked for a long time paid any attention to him, even if it was negative. Justin didn’t feel alone, even if Chris forced him, he thought it was better than being the only one. Then one day, Chris’s father caught them together. He told Chris he wasn’t going to pay for a fag to go to college and Chris’ football scholarship only paid part of his tuition. Chris turned it down, went to live with his Aunt and he blamed Justin. He thought Justin had lured him into homosexuality. He hated him and wanted to kill him. Of course, Justin probably would have gotten around to doing it himself sooner or later. But Chris beat him to the punch. He followed him out and when...”

“No, Vic!” Brian cried. “Please! Please! I get it. I don’t want to hear anymore.” Brian dropped to the ground, grabbed the old teddy bear and clutched it to his chest. “I don’t want you dead, Justin!”

Vic sat beside him and put his arm around Brian. “Why, Brian? Why do you care? I can send you back. You won’t even know what happened to Justin. You won’t even have any idea what it is like to live without Justin Taylor. You wouldn’t have been the one to hurt him. And he’d never have to see you and take care of you when you’re sick. He won’t even have the chance to love you. You won’t have to give up whatever life you think you have, to be with him, to make him and yourself happy. Isn’t that what you wanted, Brian? You don’t want Justin’s influence in your life. Right? You don’t want his love to have any power over you. You don’t want your love to have any power over him.”

Brian dug his hands into the wet earth and sobbed. “Nooo... that isn’t what I want Vic. Please help him.”

Vic pulled Brian up against his chest. “Brian. Brian, come on. He won’t matter to you. I can bring you back and no one will be hurting. You can wake up before Mikey has them pull the plug.”

“Noooo… I don’t want to go back like this,” Brian cried. “I don’t want to go back without Justin.”

“But you won’t even remember him, Brian. Your life together will be wiped from your brain. You’ll be the same person you were before he came along,” Vic told him, trying to get Brian to say what he wanted.

************

Justin watched from around the corner. He saw Michael leave Brian’s hospital room and walk down the empty hallway. All of Brian’s extended family was furious to find out that Michael wasn’t allowing Justin to say his goodbyes to Brian. But ultimately, it was Michael’s decision. Michael thought he was saving Justin from the grief he felt. No one wanted to jeopardize their opportunity to say their goodbyes to Brian so they couldn’t say much to support Justin. They were overcome with such grief that they figured that Michael would change his mind in due time. None of them however was aware that Michael was going to be giving the orders to take Brian off of life support that afternoon. None of them believed Justin’s furious words when he told them this. They were grief stricken and they thought Justin was panicking.

Justin did know. He’d been sneaking around the hospital and following Michael around, unknown to the other man. He’d heard most of Brian’s condition and Michael’s plans. He always had been good at stalking, especially where Brian was concerned. As soon as Justin saw Michael go through the doors at the end of the hall, he quickly made his way to Brian’s room. He had slipped in the room unnoticed countless times in the last two days. He hoped he’d have the same luck today.

First, Justin took the bouquet of daisies he’d gotten for Brian and placed them on the table beside the bed. He then took his old teddy bear and placed it under the covers near Brian’s hip. “This way they won’t take it away from you when they come,” Justin explained to Brian needlessly.

“Brian,” Justin spoke to the unconscious man. He took Brian’s limp hand in his own. “When they come in here to take you off all of these machines, I need you to stay alive, okay? I need you to keep going because I know you want to live. I won’t accept anything less. If you can hear me, just know that I love you. I’ll never stop loving you.” Justin leaned down and kissed the parts of Brian’s lips he could reach around the plastic tube. He then rained kisses all over his lover’s pale face. “I know you love me too. You don’t have to say it, Brian. I know. Please just stay alive.”

Justin turned and looked toward the door. He heard talking and shuffled footsteps coming from outside. Quickly, he kissed Brian’s hand, released it and moved quickly into the bathroom. He closed the bathroom door, leaving it open only a crack. He had just enough time to do so. Doctor Rhine and two nurses entered the room.

He watched through the opening of the door as the people talked and milled around the room. One by one, they prepared the machines that were keeping Brian alive for shut down. “Stay alive, Brian. Stay alive,” he chanted repeatedly in his head. Tears poured down Justin’s face. He helplessly watched the medical staff turn off the machines.

Justin gripped the doorframe as he felt his knees weaken when the Doctor checked for signs of life and found none. He resisted the urge to cry out when the man called the time of death, wrote it down on the chart and left the room. The nurses turned off the lights in Brian’s room and left, closing the door on his beloved.

Justin waited a few moments and tried to pull himself together. He walked out of the bathroom and looked down at Brian’s lifeless body. “You aren’t really gone Brian, are you?” When Justin heard no response, he sat down on the bed and hugged Brian’s still warm body to his.

“No Brian. Don’t leave me here,” he pleaded. “Don’t do this. I need you here with me!”

 

A nurse had removed the plastic tube from Brian’s throat, so Justin was able to kiss the breathless mouth. He put all of his love and passion into the kiss.

 

Scrooged

Chapter 3 "I Want to Show Him"

“I don’t want to be that man, Vic,” Brian said passionately. “Justin made me a better man. He’ll make me a better one. I want to go back. I want to live so that I can prove to Justin that I love him.”

“You love him?” Vic asked hugging Brian. He knew Brian loved Justin but he wanted Brian to make the declaration. “You really love him, do you?”

“I do. I want to tell him. I want to show him,” Brian pleaded. “I want the chance. I want another chance. I’m not afraid, Vic. I’m not afraid of having a future with Justin. I don’t want him to have any future without me. I want to tell him I love him.”

“Then you should, Brian,” Vic said softly.

“I want to...” Brian felt tingling come through his body more forceful than it had been before. His eyes swam into blackness and there was no white fuzz now, only black. Vic disappeared from his vision and Brian could no longer feel his arms around him.

He heard buzzing but then, he heard Justin’s voice. He felt warm lips on his own. When they broke away from his, Brian’s vision cleared and he saw Justin’s tear-streaked face above his. ”Justin,” he spoke. He blinked a few times and took in a deep breath. He spoke louder, “Justin.”

Justin looked at Brian in wonder. ”You’re …. Shit, Brian! You’re alive! Oh god, Brian! I knew you wouldn’t leave me. I knew you wouldn’t. I knew you’d be here for me.” Justin hugged Brian tightly. He cried into his chest and whimpered repeatedly, “I love you, Brian.”

A surge of intense warmth ran through Brian’s body. ”I love you too, Justin.” The words, somehow, came naturally to Brian’s tongue. The words were only whispers loud enough for Justin to hear and he wanted to say it again.

Justin’s head popped up from Brian’s chest and he looked down at Brian and smiled a watery, bright smile. An indecipherable sound came out of Justin’s throat, but it pretty much expressed his surprise and disbelief at hearing the man’s words.

Brian stared into Justin’s eyes. “I love you.”

“You... you love me?” Justin asked breathlessly.

Brian slowly started to sit up. He wanted to take Justin into his arms, comfort him, hold him and never let him go.

“Whoa! Brian, be careful,” Justin, admonished worriedly.

Brian smiled and thought about how easily it seemed his strength began returning to his body. “I’m fine Sunny-boy. I feel great.” He ran his hands over Justin’s face, wiped away Justin’s tears, and then searched out Justin’s right hand to hold it. “I feel amazing.”

Justin’s eyes widened in reaction to Brian’s words, he couldn’t believe that the Doctor’s had declared Brian dead and Brian was there telling him he was great! “You feel amazing?” Justin asked disbelievingly. “You were in a coma and… and… you died, Brian. Just a few minutes ago, they took you off life support. Michael had them do it and I watched as they called your time of death.”

“I'm sorry you had to see that.” Brian sat up and took Justin into his arms, feeling better than he ever had.

“Maybe I’m hallucinating?” Justin said in a horrified voice.

Brian laughed, “Don’t go pinching your tender skin.” He traced his fingers down Justin’s neck, down his chest and rested his hand on top of Justin’s groin.

“Brian?” Justin whispered. His body reacted to Brian’s caress.

Brian softly squeezed Justin’s cock through the boy’s track pants. “I’m here. Do you feel me?”

Justin shuddered out his words, “Yes Brian. I feel you.” He grabbed Brian hand, brought it toward his face, and kissed his palm.

“I feel great and very much alive,” Brian said softly. He brushed his hand along Justin’s cheek, “I need to tell you something, Justin.”

“What, Brian? Whatever it is, you’d better hurry. If someone finds me in here, they’ll have me arrested. Michael told them not to allow me in here. But I’ve been coming anyways,” Justin admitted.

Brian rolled his eyes. ”They’ll probably all freak out when they find their patient alive, Justin,” he laughed. ”But I don’t care what Michael says. I’m awake now and I only want you here with me right now. I never should have given Mikey P.O.A. It should have been you, because you are my partner. You are the one that should be taking care of me. You’re the one that should have any kind of power over me, besides my son of course. I’m sure you wouldn’t have ever pulled the plug, would you have?”

“No, Brian, never,” Justin whispered, kissing along Brian’s jaw. “I knew you were going to wake up. I know how strong you are, you beat all the odds. You always do. I would’ve waited…”

“I don’t want you to wait for me anymore, Justin,” Brian said.

Justin’s heart dropped when he heard Brian’s low, serious tone. “What? What do you mean?”

“I want to be your real partner, Justin. I don’t ever want you to doubt that I love you. It is hard for me to accept, but I understand that you want to take care of me when I need someone to do it. You let me take care of you after… you were hurt. You agreed to have me paying for your school, even though I know working for the Sap scared you into it. But the point is, I know that being your partner is a two way street, for everything.”

“Are you sure you’re okay, Brian?” Justin wondered. He’d never imagined Brian expressing… anything verbally, and with such clarity.

Brian smiled. “I’m right as rain, Sunshine.”

Justin laughed and kissed Brian’s lips. He murmured, “So, it isn’t the drugs making you say these things to me?”

“No.”

“Promise?”

“Yes,” Brian laughed. He took Justin’s hands between his own and squeezed them. “Now, would you stop interrupting me? I’m not done here.”

“You’re not?” Justin said amazed.

“No. Now listen. I should love that you want to take care of me. I should be lucky that you want me for more than just a fuck. I should let you know that I am lucky, that I feel lucky every day. I don’t want you to have to wait around for me to show you or tell you how I feel ever again. I couldn’t ask for a better partner. I love you and…”

Brian’s words were interrupted by Michael screeching his name as he threw open the door. Michael barreled toward his friend.

Doctor Rhine rushed in after Michael, his face pale and shocked. “Medical miracles,” he whispered.

“What the fuck is going on here?” Michael asked halting his steps. He turned to look at the doctor. “I thought you said he was unresponsive!” Michael wiped tears from his eyes. “You said that I…”

“I’m as surprised as you,” Dr. Rhine interrupted Michael, his voice filled with awe. “It seems that Mr. Kinney woke up.” The doctor stared at Brian in disbelief. “I’ve never seen anything like this before.” Dr. Rhine hesitated in moving toward Brian. His brain could hardly compute what and how it came to be that his patient was alive.

Michael looked at Justin, “What are you doing here?”

Justin’s face fell, “Michael…”

Brian hugged Justin tightly and pinned Michael with a serious stare. “He's here with me because I want him to be.”

Dr. Rhine could sense the immediate tension and knew that he had to intervene on a professional level. “Mr. Kinney, myself and the staff really need to check you over.”

“I'm fine,” Brian told the man. “But I guess a quick check-up would be okay before we get out of here.”

“Mr. Kinney, you were pronounced dead and now are alive. There are multitudes of tests we need to run! You can’t just leave. This… what…. Whatever happened needs to be…”

“You know what?” Brian interrupted. “I don't even need the fucking check-up. I feel fucking fantastic. I'm not going to sit in here and be your guinea pig on Christmas Eve.”

“That's not what I was suggesting, Brian,” the doctor said evenly. “It's just that... this is a medical…”

“A Christmas Miracle,” Justin interrupted.

“Christ, would you let the doctor talk,” Michael whined and glared at Justin. He was more than a little surprised when he saw Brian glare right back at him.

“Basically you are right,” Dr. Rhine said, smiling, still stunned. He turned toward Justin. “Nothing like this has ever happened before in this hospital. Yes, we may revive patients, but Brian had no pulse, no brain activity, nothing and now...”

“I'm alive and well,” Brian said with a smile.

“But we need to at least check you out. We can't keep you here against your will, Mr. Kinney, but I strongly recommend you at least allow me to check you over. There could be some damage that you may not feel right now.”

“That's fine,” Brian agreed. “But Justin stays in here with me when you do whatever it is you need to do.”

Justin smiled and kissed Brian's cheek. “Thank you, Brian.”

“What about me?” Michael asked.

“You can go and call the family and tell them that I woke up. You didn’t go tell them you pulled the plug to let me die, did you?”

“No, Brian!” Michael said. He walked to the unoccupied side of Brian’s bed and awkwardly held Brian’s hand. “I’m so sorry.”

Brian took his hand away from Michael’s. “When you call the family, let them know that Justin and I will be having Christmas dinner at the loft.”

“What?” Justin and Michael asked in unison.

“I feel great now, but I'm not going to be up for making it over to your mother's or the munchers, so tell them that whoever wants to is welcome to come by the loft tomorrow afternoon. I'm sure your mother won't mind cooking the Christmas feast in our gourmet kitchen.” Brian smirked.

Justin didn't miss the our, in Brian's sentence.

Michael looked flustered for a minute but then nodded his head. “Okay,” he said sadly.

“I'll have the doctor send you in here when he's done with me,” Brian told him. “There's something we need to talk about.”

“All right Brian,” Michael spoke slowly. He leaned down, kissed Brian’s forehead and left the room.

Brian looked at Dr. Rhine. “Well. Do your worst.”

*********

An hour later the medical team deemed Brian’s reawakening a medical miracle. They found Brian in perfect health. There was one exception; Brian still needed to continue the radiation treatments. Other than that, they were baffled and could not explain what happened to Brian. Dr. Rhine gave Brian forms for his release, a pair of scrubs to go home in and asked for a promise from Brian that he’d immediately go to the emergency room if he felt even a minor twinge of pain in his head or heart.

Brian collected his bouquet of daisies; Gus Bear, and any of the other personal items there were in the hospital room. Justin insisted on helping Brian dress. Though Brian was perfectly able to do so, he allowed it. He actually enjoyed how careful and loving Justin was throughout the dressing. He would lightly brush his fingertips against areas he knew made Brian hot, or stare at Brian’s body as though it was the first time he was seeing it. Brian now understood what exactly it meant for Justin to be able to help him, even in the smallest of ways.

As soon as Brian was dressed, Michael came into the room without knocking on the door or waiting for the Doctor to tell him that Brian was ready. Michael had heard the nurses at the desk talk about Brian’s release so he knew they’d finished the tests on Brian. “So, you ready to go home, Brian? I called everyone like you asked. They are more than happy to reorganize the plans and go to the loft for the dinner. Do you want me to go get the Vette?”

Brian sighed. He walked toward Michael and looked down at the man. “I need you to do something first, Michael.”

Michael stepped forward and hugged Brian and then pulled back smiling. “Sure, Brian, anything, name it.”

Brian stepped away and took Justin's hand in one of his. “I need you to tell Justin the reason I wasn't already dead when they brought me in here.”

Michael's face went pale. He didn’t understand the relevance of it now that Brian was going to be okay. “What?”

“Tell Justin why I was still alive and not dead!”

“Brian, it's okay. Let’s just go home. We don't have to talk about that,” Justin tried to interject. He didn't want Brian being stressed out. He knew that they could talk about it some other time.

“No, we do have to talk about it. It’s the reason I’m still here.” Brian kissed the side of Justin's face and breathed in his lover's scent. Brian looked at his friend. “Go on, Michael.”

“How the hell do I know?” Michael said haughtily, frightened of the consequences.

“I know you know, Michael. I heard it all. Funny thing about being in a coma, you may not hear everything, but I think you see and hear everything you are supposed to.”

“What do you want me to say, Brian?” Michael asked.

“You know damn well what to say, Mikey. If you don't say it, you won't be saying anything else to either of us ever again.”

“Brian,” Justin gasped. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not,” Brian said passionately. “He’s our friend, Justin. He needs to tell you. He would tell you if he is really our friend.”

Michael's eyes went wide and he looked like he was about to cry. “Okay. Jesus.” He took a deep breath and then turned to Justin. “You are the reason Brian was alive when he was brought here. The chicken soup you gave him saved his life.”

“What?” Justin asked dumbfounded. He finally felt the guilt he carried receding.

Brian turned to look at Justin. He explained, “What you made me eat was just enough to make it so that the doctors could pump my stomach. I had nothing else but the pills in me and the soup. They had a horrible time trying to pump my stomach, but the soup helped. It was just the right amount to pump, and the right amount not to dissolve all the pills.”

“It was?” surprised, Justin spoke.

“And there's more. Isn't there, Mikey? There's something you need to apologize for, right?” Brian prodded.

Michael nodded his head, “Yes.”

“Tell him, Michael.”

“I'm sorry, Justin. You should’ve been back here with Brian. I wasn’t thinking right; I was so scared and angry. That doesn’t excuse what I did, but I am sorry. I never should have blamed you or said those nasty things to you,” Michael sniffled. “I'd understand if you don't…won’t… but I hope you will forgive me.”

Justin sighed. “Michael, I…”

“Michael, Justin is my partner,” Brian interrupted. “I hate regrets and apologies, but I’m sorry I let you think you were the most important person in my life, Michael. I regret a lot of shit with our friendship.”

“Brian,” Michael sighed. He touched Brian’s arm. “I’m sorry about that too.”

Brian grabbed Michael and hugged both him and Justin. “I love you both.”

Michael laughed and backed out of Brian’s arms. His deep brown eyes stared in amaze between Brian and Justin. “I can’t believe you just said that! What happened to you?”

Brian ran his hand up Justin’s neck and a carded his fingers through his hair. “I died, Michael.”

“But, they had to have been wrong! You’re standing here, just fine!”

“I can’t explain that,” Brian chuckled. “All I know is that I was given another chance to live the life I should be living. I’m not going to fuck it up.”

“You won’t,” Justin said. He kissed the side of Brian’s jaw. “I won’t let you.”

Michael grinned. “Me neither.” He smiled at Justin, “So… will you forgive me Justin?”

“Of course, Michael,” Justin said quickly.

“What?” Brian and Michael said in unison.

“It's Christmas, right?” Justin laughed for a minute but then gave Mikey a serious look. “Just don’t you ever fucking pull shit like this again, Michael. You hurt me. I’d never imagined that you would do what you did to me. Especially because, you should know how scary it is to have your partner in the hospital. You know how they treat gay couples, even if we do have all the right papers.”

“I know,” Michael whispered. “I’m ashamed of myself.”

“Is our miracle patient ready to go?” A bubbly nurse pushed an empty wheel chair into the room.

“Definitely,” Brian said. He stared at the wheelchair in disdain. “I’m not going to be seen riding in that atrocity,” he groaned. He grabbed his bag and started to walk toward the door.

“Brian, sit down,” Justin said softly but firmly. “You need to get in the chair and we’re gonna cover you with some blankets cause you don’t have your coat.”

“I don't need…”

“I'd listen to him if I were you,” Michael said. “Last time he saved your life.”

Brian laughed. “That wasn't the first time he saved my life,” Brian said. He reluctantly sat down in the chair.

Justin giggled, “Are you sure you’re okay, Brian.”

Brian rolled his eyes as Michael tucked a few of the hospital blankets around his body. “Did the blankets have to be pink?”

“He’s still Brian,” Michael commented.

The nurse went behind Brian and started to push the chair. Brian reached his hand out for Justin’s and held onto it as they walked through the halls to the entrance.

“I’ll go get the car,” Michael said.

“Thanks, Mikey.” Brian took the blankets off and stood up. He looked at the nurse and read her nametag, “Thanks Maitreya.”

“You’re welcome, Mr. Kinney. Merry Christmas to both of you.”

“Merry Christmas,” Brian and Justin answered.

Brian and Justin waited inside the hospital’s entrance doors with their arms wrapped around each other until they saw Michael pull up with the car.

Brian and Justin walked outside.

Michael hugged Brian. “I’ll see you tomorrow. I’ll make sure everyone else gives you both some time alone tonight.”

“Thanks, but don't you need a ride, Michael?” Brian asked.

“That's only a two-seater,” Justin said.

“We could squeeze in the same seat,” Brian suggested, squeezing Justin’s ass.

“Nah, I'll take a cab home. You guys go ahead.” Michael handed Justin the keys to the Corvette.

“You sure?” Justin asked.

“Yeah, I'll see you guys tomorrow.”

Brian gave Michael a hug and kiss, “Merry Christmas, Mikey.”

“Merry Christmas, Brian,” Michael replied. He turned to Justin and hugged him, “Merry Christmas, Justin. Take care of him.”

“I will.”

“I know.”

Justin insisted on helping Brian into the car. He ran around to the driver’s seat and watched Brian get comfortable in the passenger seat. Justin leaned over and latched Brian’s seatbelt. “Safety-first,” he joked.

Brian caught Justin’s face in his hands and kissed his partner passionately. “I’m always safe with you.”

Justin smiled at Brian, “I love you.”

Brian held Justin’s hand over the gearshift as they pulled out of the hospital lot onto the street. “I know,” he whispered.

********

Justin pulled the car up into a space outside the loft and turned off the ignition. “You all right?”

“I’m fabulous,” Brian replied.

“Oh? Did you want me to go out and get you something?” Justin asked.

“No, I thought maybe you could re-heat me some of that chicken soup you made if there is any left?”

“Sure.” Justin smiled at his lover as they climbed out of the car.

When they got inside the loft, Justin led Brian into the bathroom to help him for his shower. “After you get in the shower, I'm going to go heat up that soup and pop some bread in the oven too. Are you up for eating that?”

“That sounds really good, thank you.” Brian kissed Justin's forehead.

Justin stared at Brian as he lifted the scrub shirt over Brian’s head. “I keep wanting to ask you if you’re okay? You’re acting so out of character.”

“If you believe in something strong enough, you have to sacrifice everything.”

“Sacrifice what?” Justin asked, worriedly.

“Well, I suppose the word sacrifice is a little dramatic. But I have to sacrifice all my bullshit rules and beliefs so in a way it’s not exactly sacrificing anything. Especially when you look at the trade-off.” Brian shucked his pants down his legs and reached into the shower to turn on the water.

Justin stared wide-eyed at Brian. “You’re confusing me, Brian,” he said, exasperated.

Brian grinned and took Justin’s fully clothed body into his arms. He pressed his naked form against Justin’s and buried his face in Justin’s neck, “I believe in you.”

“Brian,” Justin said his name in a whisper.

Brian kissed his way up Justin’s neck, pecked a kiss on his lips and stared into Justin’s eyes. “I believe in love, and I’d sacrifice anything to have yours, to give you mine.”

“Jesus Christ!” Justin gasped.

Brian cupped Justin’s face with his hands, “That seems appropriate.”

Justin laughed, “So you’re serious?”

Brian nodded his head. “Didn't you hear what I’ve been saying to you?”

Justin smiled. “You’ve said that you love me.”

Brian smoothed his hands down Justin’s forearms and held Justin’s hands. “Yeah, so how about marrying me?”

“What?”

“I said… How about you marry me?” He tried to take Justin in his arms but the blond squirmed away from him.

“Brian!”

“I'm serious.”

“You can't be serious.”

Brian put his hands on his bare, slim hips, “I am.”

“You hate marriage, Brian, you…”

“I'm not that person anymore,” Brian told him. “I can’t be that person. I almost lost you.”

“I think it was the other way around.”

“Whatever. That’s even more of a reason for us not to wait. I don’t want you to ever question what we mean to one another or anyone else for that matter.”

“I... I don't know what to say.” Justin shook his head. “Just last week you were throwing me out of your loft, telling me you didn't want me. You threatened me with a restraining order!”

“I’m an asshole. I’ll probably always be an asshole, but I won’t ever do that again. I lied to you,” Brian said. “I'll always want you.”

“That's easy for you to say when you're standing here naked with a boner,” Justin laughed.

Brian smirked. “Fine, we'll talk about this after I get out of the shower.

“Ohhhkay...” Justin said. He knew Brian loved him, he always did, but he wasn’t convinced that Brian was serious about marrying him. It was hard to believe that Brian changed so suddenly, near death, no make that... experience in dying, or not.

“You know what?” Brian said getting an idea. “Do you think you can actually go get some guava juice at the corner store? I don't think I've got any and I could really use some. That always settles my stomach.”

Justin nodded, “Sure, do you want anything else?”

“Yeah, actually I've got a craving for some brownies. Can you pick up one of those boxes to make some?”

Justin laughed, “Brownies? You want to make brownies?”

“I'm craving chocolate. Besides, aren't they your favorite dessert?”

“Yeah, but I'm just surprised you want some.”

“Well it's only lunchtime, we'll have plenty of time to work off the carbs and I'm sure my stomach can handle one or two,” he smiled.

“Okay,” Justin kissed Brian. “I'll be back soon.

“You can go ahead and make the soup and bread, but I'll make the brownies after lunch, okay?”

Justin looked at Brian weirdly. “Can you even cook them?”

“It's from a box, Justin. I'm sure I can figure it out. But you'd better make sure we've got eggs and oil just to be sure.”

“Okay, later,” Justin kissed Brian one last time and walked out of the bathroom. Brian stayed in the bathroom and listened for a few minutes until he heard Justin leave the loft. He then turned off the shower, grabbed a robe and logged onto his computer. When he found the site he wanted, he called the phone number. Thankfully, they were open on Christmas Eve. After he placed his order and was assured what he asked for could be accomplished in only two hours, thanks to his deep pockets and promise of a free ad campaign, Brian called Cynthia.

“Hello?” Cynthia asked, picking up her cell phone.

“Listen, I need you to do something for me.”

“Brian! Thank God! Michael called me and told me you were okay! How are you?”

“Yeah, yeah yeah. We can get to that later. Right now I need you to do something that is really important.”

“Brian, it is Christmas Eve and you just got out of the hospital! I don't think you need to think about work right now.”

“This isn't about work.”

“What do you need?” she asked stunned.

Brian told Cynthia his plan and then he quickly hopped in the shower and scrubbed off. He was getting out just as he heard the loft door open, signaling Justin arriving home.

“You just now got out of the shower?” Justin asked as Brian came down the steps from the bedroom.

“Yeah, I needed to wash that hospital funk off of me.” Brian leaned down and kissed Justin's wind chilled lips.

Justin broke the kiss and started to unload the groceries in the kitchen. “I grabbed some extra eggs and bacon. I thought it'd be nice to have a Christmas breakfast tomorrow. I also got some eggnog.”

“Sounds good, Justin. Why don't you put the French bread in the oven and heat up the soup? It should be done right in time for me to put the brownies in then?”

“Yup. Oh and I got some chocolate icing to put on them too.” Justin took the icing out of the bag.

“What are you trying to do? Kill me?” Brian joked.

Justin's face fell for a minute. “Oh well, we don’t have to…”

Brian kicked himself. “Hey, I didn't mean that. I was only joking. 'Betty Crocker' chocolate whipped topping sounds delicious.”

“Okay,” Justin whispered.

Brian grabbed Justin from behind and hugged him to his chest. He felt the boy shaking in his arms and knew that Justin was crying. He held onto him even tighter.

Justin turned in Brian’s embrace and rubbed his face against Brian’s chest. He groped at his t-shirt, hugging him close. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m sorry I didn’t pay more attention. You never should’ve…”

“It wasn't your fault,” Brian spoke the words Justin had once told him. “You saved me,” he whispered. “You've been saving me since the night I met you under that lamppost. I think even then I began to fall in love with you.”

Justin's head snapped up to look at Brian, “Brian?”

“I’m here,” Brian said. He rubbed the tears away with his thumb though he felt his own emotions going crazy and knew there were a few tears on his own face. “Believe in my love for you, Justin Taylor.”

“Oh Brian,” Justin gasped. This time, for some reason, the words sunk in as truth for Justin. The shock had drizzled away each time Brian said the words, now the words lay bare upon his soul.

Brian's stomach growled interrupting any further play.

“Well, I guess I had better feed the beast,” Justin put his hand on Brian' stomach, “before I feed this beast.” Justin rubbed his and Brian’s cocks against each other as he swiveled his hips in a grinding motion.

Brian laughed, “You’re going to pay for that later.”

Justin grinned. “I don’t want you to strain yourself, old man.”

“Please! You know I’m up for it.”

*********

Brian and Justin sat in front of the television and watched “Mickey’s Christmas Carol”.

Justin had gotten so excited when they saw that it was on. Brian didn't have the heart to insist on watching anything else. Though, it was a little eerie, considering he'd gone through nearly the same thing the last two days.

After they ate their lunch, Brian went into the kitchen and made the brownies. While they baked in the oven, he cleaned up the kitchen. Every now and then, he'd look out to where Justin was sitting and would see the boy smiling contentedly. His heart lurched each time he did. His feelings and emotions were raw and wild. When Brian looked at his blond boy, it made everything inside of him twist almost painfully. But the pain was a beautiful, full feeling. It cemented the fact that what he was going to do was the right thing for the both of them.

The buzzer rang at the door and Justin looked over at Brian who walked over to it. His blond eyebrow rose and his face contorted, showing his distaste at having their evening disturbed. Brian smirked. “It's Cynthia,” he told Justin.

“Come on up,” he said, pressing the buzzer that would release the lock downstairs.

“Brian, you're not going to do business the second you get out of the hospital, are you?” Justin asked worriedly, from the couch.

“No, Sunshine. I left something at the office for Gus and wanted Cynthia to bring it by, that's all.”

“That's all? No work?”

“I promise. No work,” Brian assured him and opened the door.

Cynthia got off the elevator and held out a brown paper sack for Brian. “Here you go.”

“Thanks, Cynthia,” Brian said walking into the hall. “I'll see you and your brother around five for dinner right?”

Cynthia leaned forward and hugged her boss. “We'll be here. I wouldn't miss it for the world.”

Brian laughed and went inside the loft. The cartoon had ended so Justin got up and walked over to him.

“What did you get Gus?” Justin asked.

“I'll show you later,” Brian told him. “Why don't you go take a shower? The brownies should be done in just a minute. I'll frost them while you’re in there. We can smoke a joint and munch out in front of the TV, relax.”

“Okay,” Justin smiled. He kissed Brian's lips and disappeared into the bathroom.

Brian quickly went to the oven and got out the brownies. He then put them in the freezer so they'd cool down enough to frost them.

He heard the shower go on and opened up the bag Cynthia brought him and took the items out and examined them. They were perfect.

By the time the brownies were frosted, Justin had gotten out of the shower. He came down the stairs, dressed in a pair of Brian's gray sweats and a white t-shirt. “Mmm... those smell so good,” he admired. He walked around Brian and tried to dip a finger into the frosting.

Brian smacked Justin's hand away. “I'll make us some hot chocolate too if you go and roll the joints.”

“Joints?”

“Yeah, well... it's gonna be a long night.”

“But what about your pills, Brian? Are you sure its okay to smoke weed and take them?”

“I did before, Justin. Many patients that go through radiation or chemotherapy smoke weed with their medication. Don’t worry. I’ll be fine as long as I grab the right pills this time.” He looked over at the clock on the microwave. “You can go get me them for me if you want. I think its time I had my next dose.”

Justin looked at the clock. “You aren't supposed to have them for another two hours, Brian.”

“Right.” Brian kissed Justin. “I guess not. Now, what would I do without you, Sunshine?”

Justin kissed Brian's cheek. “I can't imagine,” he said walking away.

Brian couldn't imagine it either. If everything went right, he wouldn't ever have to know.

Brian brought over the tray of cocoa and brownies to the coffee table and smiled when Justin lit up the joint. The blond cuddled close to him and Brian put his arm around him.

They sat and smoked as they watched “It's a Wonderful Life”. During a commercial break, Justin reached for his brownie but Brian stopped him. “I want you to lick the icing off,” Brian told him sexily.

Justin laughed and picked it up and stuck out his tongue. Brian watched as Justin took three licks and when he got to the fourth he pulled the brownie away from him. “Uh?”

“What?” Brian asked curiously.

“There's something hard, Brian. I think you may have gotten an eggshell in the…” Justin's words died on his lips. He brushed away the last bits of icing and looked at the brownie.

“It's not an eggshell, is it?” Brian asked with a smirk.

Justin put his fingers into the brownie and pulled the object out. “Brian! It’s a ring.”

“I know.”

Justin smacked Brian’s knee, laughing, “You’re crazy!” He licked the chocolate remnants from the metal and then looked it over closely. “My Sunshine,” Justin said in awe, reading the inscription inside the ring. He looked at Brian, dumbfounded.

“That's you,” Brian told him.

“This is...”

Brian moved off the sofa and got in between Justin's legs. He took the ring away from him and held it out. “Will you marry me?”

Justin's mouth hung open. It was hard to process everything that happened. The last few days, and this, all seemed like a dream. He wiped the tears out of his eyes and blinked a few times. Brian was still there, on his knees, holding a ring out to him, and yes, he'd just asked him to marry him!

“Will you be my husband?” Brian asked. “My partner. I want it to be you that will always hold my life in your hands.”

“Yes!” Justin said, finally able to talk through the mania inside his head. “Yes!” He lunged forward, crushed Brian’s body back onto the floor, and started to kiss the man's face. “Yes, I will marry you!”

Brian laughed and rolled Justin over. He leaned down to kiss his lover slowly, “I love you and I want to show you how much I love you for the rest of my life.”

Justin blinked again nodded his head. “Me too.” He reached his hand out and Brian slid the ring on his finger. “What about your ring?” Justin asked.

“You can put mine on me tomorrow,” Brian told him.

“Tomorrow?” Justin asked.

“I want you to open something on Christmas. I want to surprise you.”

“You already have. More than you'll ever know,” Justin leaned up and kissed Brian's neck.

Brian groaned in pleasure. “You've been making me hard all day.”

“I know,” Justin smiled.

“I haven't been able to get hard, Justin,” Brian admitted.

Justin's face fell in worry. “You’re not healed?”

“No, no, I'm fine now. I just wanted to tell you the truth. All those times I didn’t follow through. It was because I wasn't able to get past having my ball removed. It had nothing to do with you. I always want you.”

“Me too,” Justin whispered.

Brian and Justin slowly undressed each other, revealing their bodies, teasingly. “I want you so much,” Brian told Justin. He laid Justin down on the couch and reached under the cushion for their supplies.”

“I've missed you inside me,” Justin admitted.

Brian took out the condom, prepared himself and then slicked his cock with the lube. He lubed Justin's tight hole and slowly slid his aching cock inside him.

Justin locked his legs around Brian’s waist. His back arched and he used his legs to pull his ass up toward Brian’s thrust.

“You’re so tight,” Brian groaned.

Justin bit Brian’s shoulder when the man’s cock brushed against his prostate. “You want me tighter, Brian?”

Brian drew his hips back and paused his movement. He left the crown of his dick inside Justin’s warm hole. He wasn’t sure he could take it if Justin got any tighter than he felt, but he nodded his head anyway. “Show me, Justin.”

Justin grinned for a moment, and then fused his mouth to Brian’s. He dug his fingers into the man’s shoulders and squeezed his anus around Brian’s dick head.

Brian tore his mouth away from Justin’s mouth. He huffed open breaths against Justin’s cheek as he pushed against Justin’s clenching muscles, forcing them open, slowly.

One of Justin’s hands found Brian’s hair. He gripped it in his fingers and pulled on it roughly when Brian’s cock was completely embedded in his body again. “Did you like that?”

“Fuck yeah,” Brian whispered. “Now do it again.”

Justin did, repeatedly,

They sucked, bit and licked one another as their bodies collided. Brian’s thrusts increased in tempo, changed in rhythm and Justin’s clenching became less timed, and more instinctual. They built their orgasms to a needy pace. Sweat and spit covered their skin, lust clouded their eyes, and declarations passed their lips as much as their heavy breathing would allow.

Brian came first, Justin only a second later, both of their orgasms lasted longer than what their emissions told. Their bodies jolted with aftershocks, their breath heated each other’s skin, until finally Brian separated himself from Justin’s body.

“Jesus, Brian!” Justin laughed. “Now that has to be in our top ten fucks.”

Brian skimmed the condom off his cock and held it up for Justin to see. “By the looks of this load, I’d say this is in our….”

“Top five fucks.” Justin crawled beside Brian and took the condom from him. He tied it off, threw it toward the closest wastebasket and peppered kisses along Brian’s shoulder. “What’s number one?”

Brian grabbed Justin so the blond straddled his lap. He ran his fingers through the come load that coated Justin’s belly.

Justin’s dick pressed against Brian’s cock, filling with desire again. “What do you think is our number one? Tell me.”

Brian swirled his fingers in the sticky substance and felt Justin’s body shake when he danced the tips inside Justin’s belly button. Coating two fingers in Justin’s emission, Brian brought his hand up to Justin’s face and spread the come over Justin’s lips. His eyes flickered between the pouty lips and Justin’s heated blue eyes.

Justin poked his tongue out and licked Brian’s fingers. He held Brian’s hand to his face and sucked the two digits into his warm mouth. Once the taste of him and Brian’s skin dissolved completely on his tongue Justin leaned forward and licked the shell of Brian’s ear. “Tell me.”

Brian’s hands glided up Justin’s back. His skin shivered under his hands. He buried his face in Justin’s neck. “When we fucked the first time after you were hurt,” Brian whispered, his words shaky. He looked at Justin. “It was love to me.”

Justin cupped Brian’s face between his hands. “When I said that this is where we made love the first time. That’s what I meant.”

Brian nodded and pecked Justin’s lips. “I know.”

********

The next day, Brian and Justin spent most of the morning in bed. Their energy and insatiable need to be coupled, only slowed when they had to force themselves to stop their fuck fest and get themselves and the loft ready for Christmas dinner.

Brian asked Justin not to wear his ring until they were ready to tell the family about their engagement. Justin agreed, happy to keep it between them for the time being. He was also, still a little hesitant, fearful that Brian would snap out of his new process of thinking and go back to being the closed-off Brian he’d been only days before.

Emmett arrived early carrying a large box and a bag full of Christmas supplies.

“Don’t even think about it,” Brian groaned.

Emmett rolled his eyes, kissed Brian’s cheek and strolled into the loft. “Auntie Em has come to the rescue,” Emmett said, greeting Justin.

Justin hugged Emmett. “Thanks for bringing your extra decorations over.”

Brian closed the loft door. He stalked over to Justin and Emmett and peered into the bag of decorations. “This was your idea, Justin?”

Justin pushed Brian out of the way and started to unpack the boxes of lights, ornaments and packages of silver tinsel. “Don’t be a Scrooge, Brian. We’re having a Christmas party.”

Brian sucked in a deep breath and backed away from his lover and friend. “Don’t worry. I won’t be Scrooge. Have at it. Just… remember that Debbie shows up in an hour.”

Emmett gave Justin a triumphant smile. “You were right. He has changed.”

“Wait. When did you….”

“When you were spending all that time trying to control your bed head, I gave Emmett a call.”

Brian smiled, “I wouldn’t have had bed head if you hadn’t insisted on me fucking your brains out five minutes after I got out of the shower.”

“You were the one that came out glistening wet and asking me to rub lotion on your ass.”

“I wouldn’t have asked you to do that if the hospital sheets weren’t made out of needles.”

“Please, Brian. You did it on purpose. And besides, as I recall it wasn’t me that got…”

“Justin!” Brian interrupted. He glanced quickly at Emmett.

Emmett had obviously been hanging on every word. “Now, now. Don’t stop on my account. Keep going,” he joked.

“Next time, don’t pull my hair when you know we’re going to see anyone.”

“You were begging me to do it harder! I thought that’s what you meant,” Justin said teasingly. He rose to his feet and kissed Brian’s open mouth before the man could yell about what he’d revealed. He knew Emmett wouldn’t be divulging what he heard to anyone. As much as the man liked to gossip, he had never talked about anything private Justin had told him.

Brian bit Justin’s lip playfully and grabbed Justin’s ass in his hands. “You and Emmett are cleaning up the mess before he leaves.”

“Can’t we leave the tree up until after the new year? And the white lights? I have plans for us and that tree.”

“Yes and No.”

“What?” Justin asked, confused.

“Yes to leaving tree and lights until New Year's Day. No, to whatever silly plan you’ve got for us involving them.”

Justin’s face fell. “Fine.”

Brian grinned and walked into the kitchen. He had plans too.

********

Brian invited Cynthia and her brother to the dinner. They’d lost their mother a few months prior and didn’t have anywhere else to spend the holidays. Cynthia was overjoyed that Brian invited her and Marcus. She knew most of Brian’s friends and family, and both she and Marcus got along with the crowd easily.

Between Debbie and Lindsay, the dinner was large enough to feed not only their family, but to also pack up leftovers enough to feed everyone until New Year's. After dinner, presents were exchanged under the Christmas tree. When everyone was occupied, gabbing about their presents and the latest gossip, Brian pulled Gus into his room to have a chat with him. After he had Gus occupied, he came out, asked Marcus to speak with him for a moment and then handed Cynthia his digital camera.

“I have an announcement, “Brian said. Gus came running to stand by his father's side.

“Last night I asked Justin to marry me and he said yes.”

“What?” Debbie gasped.

Jennifer immediately went to Justin’s side and hugged him.

“He did,” Justin confirmed. “So of course I said yes.”

The family stared in shock between Brian and Justin.

“Justin, can you come here?” Brian asked.

Justin walked over to Brian, blushing. He thought Brian was going to give him the ring in front of everyone and was a little more than shocked when Marcus started to speak.

“As you all know, I'm Cynthia's brother Marcus. But what you don't know is that I am also a minister and I'm here to marry Brian and Justin.”

The gasps this time were much louder.

Justin stared at Brian, “Is he serious?”

“Yes,” Brian laughed. “Are you? About marrying me I mean.”

“Right now?”

“Well, yeah...”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Let's do it?”

“Say it.”

“Yes.” Justin kissed Brian's lips. “Yes, I will marry you.”

“Then let’s get this show on the road.”

“May I have the rings?” Marcus asked looking down at Gus.

Gus dug into his pants pocket and handed the man two rings, one a little smaller than the other. “Did I do it right, Daddy?”

Everyone laughed at the little boy’s cuteness.

“You did it perfectly, sonny-boy,” Brian said. He ruffled his son's hair and leaned down to kiss his cheek.

Cynthia was happily snapping pictures of each moment.

“I can't believe Brian did this,” Debbie whispered.

“I can,” Michael said, much to his mother's shock.

Michael shrugged. “He really loves him.”

The family watched as Brian and Justin said their vows and Marcus pronounced them married. Though they still needed to draw up the correct domestic partnership papers, having their wedding in front of their family and friends signified their union. It meant more to both Brian and Justin than a legal slip of paper ever would.

The family gathered around Brian and Justin, offering their surprise and congratulations.

“I never thought I would see the day Brian Kinney got married,” Ted commented.

Brian shrugged and kissed the side of Justin’s face. “I hate being predictable.”

********

When the last member of the family left, Brian took Justin over toward the small 6ft Christmas tree. “Merry Christmas, Justin Kinney.”

Justin smiled. “We haven’t discussed me changing my name.”

Brian laughed and pulled Justin down onto the rug in front of the tree. “You don’t want to be Mr. Kinney too?”

Justin kissed along Brian’s jaw. “Do you want me to be Mr. Kinney?”

“Do you want me to be Mr. Taylor?”

“Oh god. My husband wants me to hyphenate our names!” Brian said in mock horror. “Well, whatever my husband wants, he can have.”

Justin started to unbutton Brian’s shirt. “I love you, Mr. Taylor-Kinney.”

“I love you too, Mr. Taylor-Kinney,” Brian whispered, pulling Justin’s black sweater over his head.

“It's a miracle hearing you actually say that. This whole day has been a miracle, Brian.”

“I’ve go one more miracle for you,” Brian whispered, staring into Justin’s eyes.

“What’s that?” Justin asked, his voice quivering with emotion.

“I’m going to make love to my husband, right here under the Christmas tree.” Brian threaded his fingers through Justin’s, their wedding bands gleaming in the Christmas tree light. “Do you want that?”

“More than anything.”

“Promise not to tell anyone?”

“It’ll be our secret, Brian,” Justin assured his husband.

After they’d undressed completely and sheathed Brian’s cock with a condom, and stirred lube inside Justin’s body, Brian lay on his side behind Justin, facing the Christmas tree.

“Merry Christmas,” Brian whispered, licking Justin's neck playfully as he thrust inside his partner. He held Justin’s hand in his and gripped his lover’s cock. “This is the best Christmas I’ve ever had.”

Justin craned his neck back and stared into Brian’s gleaming eyes. “Mine too. Merry Christmas, Brian. I love you.”

“I love you, Justin,” Brian whispered back. “But how am I going to top this next year? We’ll be celebrating two holidays.”

Justin laughed. “The fact that you’ll be celebrating two holidays on the same day will be enough for me.”

Brian made a slow pull and glide into Justin’s ass as he thought about next year, and the next, his future with Justin. It would always be better than the last. He’d make sure that it turned out completely different from the one he’d seen. “Nothing is enough for you, Justin. You always deserve more.”

“You’re enough for me, Brian,” Justin groaned. “You always have been.”

“You too, Justin.”

“What?”

“You’ve always,” Brian paused his words as a shock of pleasure went through his body. “You’ve always been enough for me.”

“What are you saying, Brian?”

Brian let go of Justin’s cock and slid his hand up between Justin’s thighs. He lifted Justin’s leg with his arm and his fingers massaged around Justin’s hole. “Next year, how about we both give each other the greatest gift in the world.”

Justin shuddered at the thought of what Brian suggested and the feeling of Brian touching them both. “Raw?”

“No barriers, nothing between us.”

Justin nodded, “Yes.”

Brian dropped Justin’s leg and continued his thrusts. “I can’t wait till Christmas.”

“Me neither,” Justin moaned.

The End