BOOK I: THE MESS WE’RE IN

BOOK II: THE STRAWBERRY LETTERS- Hate Mail/ love letters (therapy sessions/ homework assignments)

BOOK III: THE REINVENTION 

BOOK IV: TURN YOUR LOVE AROUND

BOOK V: MOVING ON- one year later

BEFORE I LET GO- CHAPTER ONE

Alex’s pov

I’m having one of the most difficult times trying to wrap my head around the fact that these particular eight men are sitting in front of me and my colleagues. It’s not that any one of them are so perfect or that their relationship is. Hell, I’ve watched for years, as each couple navigated the treacherous pitfalls and tightropes of finding common ground and a willingness to work at being together. Granted it took some of them longer than the others, but once the decision was made, they were solid. So the fact that they are sitting in front of me for a court-appointed couples counseling with abbreviated anger management sessions to be blended in is mind-boggling.

The only good news in all of this is that two of the eight men were already my patients- one formal, the other- well not so much. I think out of the entire group their road was the hardest both individually and collectively. So it’s with great surprise that after all the many battles hard-fought and won, that Brian Kinney and Justin Taylor- otherwise known far and wide on Liberty Avenue as the Kings- are sitting apart as if there is a gulf between them. Based on their body language, I can even tell who is more defensive or which one is more approachable. Justin, who is usually more open with his feelings, has once again become the belligerent young man with the angry blue eyes that I remember from eight- almost nine- years ago.

Seeing him even more closed off than his hazel-eyed counterpart is definitely a sight to behold.

Not knowing how to start a conversation with Justin, I turn to his partner. “Brian, do you want to know why I never took that advice I gave you, out in trade?” I can see the dawn of comprehension in his eyes as he remembers the conversation about Justin we had a little over eight years ago.

“Well you’re the Doc so I know you’ll tell me whether I want to hear it or not,” he answers me in that raspy drawl which has set many hearts aflutter, including the man sitting next to him. But Justin’s posture has not softened even a little towards the man who so obviously has his heart. There was definitely something more to this…

“Because this is a place in your relationship that I never thought either of you would end up. I wouldn’t have wanted to ruin that no matter the deal we made. Why are you guys here?”

“You were in the courtroom when the judge told us that this is what we had to do, Alex.”

“So was Judge Marcus wrong when she said that she wanted you to go through with this before you both made any rash decisions?”

“I- I don’t know.” This was the first time I have ever heard Brian stammer over his answer. There was definitely something wrong between them.

“Justin? What about you?”

Rising gracefully from his seat, Justin stretched himself to his full height and turned towards the door. He looked back over his shoulder before speaking, his eyes still angry but also sad. “I’m not sure what I want to do anymore Alex. I’m not even sure it would matter if I was. Talk to Brian. Whatever he decides is what it will be… for now.”

“Running away again Justin? I swear every time… What is it this time huh? Work? Or another musician waiting for you in the wings?”

Justin swung back around, marching straight up to Brian. I was poised to stop him but I needed to see this particular part of their interaction to give me a baseline of what I might be dealing with. I watched as Justin leaned over into Brian’s face, placing his hands on either side of Brian’s chair.

“Fuck you,” Justin said through gritted teeth, so low that I had to concentrate to hear what was being said. “You know what Brian… I think I’ve changed my mind. I can’t do this anymore.”

Brian swallowed hard. “So what are you saying?”

I knew I had to stop this contretemps before it went any further and they both threw away something that was so worth saving. “He’s saying nothing. Right, Justin?” When the blond man stood up, shrouding himself in that innate dignity he walked through every adversity in his young life with, I hurried to continue. “Look, both of you guys were ordered to be here. The least you can do for yourselves and each other is to try to fix what’s wrong and if it’s unfixable, then at least you can say that you tried.”

“Why do you care?” Justin asked me, tears that he wouldn’t shed shimmering in his eyes.

I knew in that moment that beyond all the anger Justin felt, he was also hurt deeply. But had he told Brian? Looking at the emotional distance between the two, the definite answer was a resounding NO, but the real question was, why not? I also knew that I couldn’t tell Justin why I really cared- that they were my hope that my own relationship would work out; that I would hate to see two of the most compatible men I have ever met allow a space filled with silence to tear them apart. They have fought so many people and each other to get to where they are now.

I can’t see them throwing it all away.

“Call it curiosity and selfishness, if you have to,” I answer Justin, even as Brian sees the half-truth in my eyes. “You’re both running from something and I want to know what it is. More importantly though, I think you owe it to yourselves to tell the other the truth about things from your own perspective.”

“Why? Telling Brian never solves anything especially not when… you know what, I can’t do this today Alex. Not with him and not with you. Brian I’ll see you at home or not. Later.” And with that Justin was gone.

I could feel the eyes staring at me and Brian, as we both watched Justin’s retreating back. While the others looked at us worriedly, there was one who was smirking, as if he’d won some sort of bet or victory. Of course, I’m not surprised that Michael’s ears would be invested in the outcome of what was happening over in our corner of the conference room we’re all seated in. Initially, we were only to set the appointments and get some intake information from our clients. But Brian and Justin’s overt hostility towards each other had been unsettling in the extreme.

“Mr. Novotny, shouldn’t you be tending to your own business with Dr. Monroe, instead of minding Brian and Justin’s?” I ask, my eyes cold and unyielding. I never could stand the obsequious little man, who was also a bit manipulative and territorial especially when it came to Brian Kinney. Somehow, I would have thought that had changed in the last seven years since he’d been married to his husband but…

“Dr. Wilder, anything that affects Brian, affects me. The same for Ted and Emmett.” He says the latter two names as if an afterthought.

“I doubt that,” I mutter, even as I turn my attention back to Brian, who is sitting still and quiet, trying to rein whatever tether that holds him together back in place. Something tells me that if I say the wrong thing just now, Brian is either going to fly into a million pieces or go off the deep end. Neither scenario appeals to me and I doubt it would be conducive to the situation between Brian and Justin either. “So what does your schedule look like this week Brian?” Once again, I notice the satellite dishes that are disguised as Michael Novotny’s ears perking up, waiting for the question to be answered. So instead of requesting a verbal answer, I pass Brian my appointment book, telling him that we can work around his and Justin’s schedules; that the appointments needed are for both individual and collective sessions.

“Can I get back to you about the joint sessions? I don’t know what his schedule looks like lately. He hasn’t…” Brian sighed, even as he continued to fill in the spaces for his individual appointments.

“It’s okay Brian. I know what you are trying to say. I imagine that it hasn’t been easy to live the way you two have for I can’t imagine how long. How long since you’ve re-entered the land of non-communication?”

“It’s actually pretty hard to tell. One day we were fine and the next… well let’s just say that if we aren’t arguing or fucking then we’re silent or apart. I know that he wants to tell me something, but I don’t know if I want to hear what it is.”

“I told you that fucking twink was going to leave you again Brian…” Michael’s whine breaks into our conversation again.

“I swear if you spent half as much time on our relationship as you do minding Brian’s with Justin, we wouldn’t be sitting here too, Michael!”

And I don’t think I have ever heard Michael’s partner Ben yell, or at the very least be so forceful, with the other man. I think I just figured out part of the problem and I don’t think it originates with Brian and Justin, although they each have the choice to feed it or not.

“But Ben….”

“But nothing Michael! I’m so tired… you know what? I think I will take a page out of Justin’s book and leave before I wonder if this is even worth saving.”

“Fine. I’ll just get a ride with Brian then and see you at home Honey, okay?”

If looks could kill Michael would have been murdered by his husband in that moment. “How about asking Brian if he minds? Jesus Michael, he may need some time alone, but you don’t think about anything but what you want, do you?”

“Oh Brian doesn’t mind,” Michael tells Ben, shrugging his shoulders as if Brian’s job as his chauffeur is a foregone conclusion. Sadly, he isn’t done with his opinions and observations either. “Besides it might do well for him and Justin to be apart right now. Now that I think about it Ben, we may stop over at Woody’s. I’m sure Brian can use a drink and maybe some mindless fucking before going home to argue with Justin again. So don’t wait up.”

“Does he do that often?” I ask Brian, who has apparently drowned out all of the conversation flowing around him.

“Hm... who and what are you talking about?”

“Michael. Didn’t you just hear him planning your night right before Ben left and while you were sitting here apparently mute?”

“I’ve learned long ago to turn my ears off to the incessant whine if I want to save my sanity,” Brian tells me.

“Does that extend to Justin too?”

“More often than not lately.”

“Could that be the reason he thinks what he wants no longer matters?”

“Who knows what thoughts enter into the Twat’s mind at the most inopportune times. It’s not like I haven’t asked him what’s wrong.”

I look at the brunet in front of me. How could everyone around him be so blind? I think even Justin has stopped seeing Brian’s pain, being blinded by his own. But I think that’s happening in reverse too. If Brian and Justin don’t get it together, there definitely will be another musician, and this time it might be a permanent separation whether there is an affair or not.

I wrote on a piece of paper because Mr. Big Ears was still dividing his attention between his own intake and our area. Meet me at the bar in the William Penn 7pm. I’ll call Justin myself to let him know and ask if he wants to join us.

He looked at his watch before writing, Then you should call him now. If I know Justin, he’s just made it home and is changing into his painting clothes. If he makes it to the studio, you can forget it. On second thought, I’ll call him.

Okay but don’t argue with him Brian. So with two and a half hours to kill, what are you going to do about that Michael-sized millstone around your neck? You know he told Ben that he would be with you tonight. How are you going to handle the guilt-inducing tantrum when he finds out differently?

Brian smiled that enigmatic smile of his… Watch!

Fumbling with his phone until he found the right ringtone, he turned up his phone on full volume, blasting Bobby Brown’s My Prerogative, which usually meant that Brian was receiving a business call. Brian put the phone up to his ear even as Michael commenced to whining that he promised to take him home since Ben left and that they were supposed to go to Woody’s and, and, and… I decided that this constant interference and entitled harassment must be what was causing the breakdown between Brian and Justin. If not, it was enabling the real issues to spiral out of control by becoming the ready excuse not to deal with the underlying problems. Based on the fact that Brian hadn’t told Judge Melanie Marcus to go fuck herself, I think it proves that he really does want to work things out with Justin, even if he doesn’t know where to begin.

He and Mel have a long history and for her to order this for each of the men, she must know something that we as the counselors don’t. I guess at seven p.m., I’ll have a better idea of what I’m dealing with. In the meantime, I have to meet with the others. Maybe this different approach I have in mind will work here. Since my clients are having a communication issue- first and foremost- I think I have a way for them to say what they need to say without arguing or fear of starting a fight.

Going by the reasons these other couples are in therapy, it may be the way to move across the board. It will allow for them to become proactive instead of reactive. And judging by the way Justin stormed out of here earlier, it may be the only hope I have of saving the Royal Couple of Liberty Avenue. Fucking hell, how did they come to this?!     

BARRY’S POV

I swear, I will never understand how I keep drawing these borderline psychotic cases. I thought the Hendersons were bad with her addiction to porn and his sore dick. I’ve never met someone who acquired a mistress just to have somewhere to sleep uninterrupted by his own wife’s sexual demands. Most men would kill to have a wife who wanted sex more than he did but Alfred Henderson’s sore dick was on the brink of taking a permanent vacation so I guess I could sympathize as an owner of that particular appendage. But still Freda Henderson’s addiction cannot begin to compare to the one Michael Novotny seems to have with a man, not his husband.

As they sit before me, I take in Benjamin Bruckner’s almost defeated posture as his husband goes on and on about his best friend, whose partner just left. He’s been prattling on about the Taylor-Kinneys since he sat down which was twenty minutes ago. I can’t help but wonder what attracted Ben to Michael in the first place. They seem mismatches in every single way that matters. Oh, I know the adage that states opposites attract but this is almost… ludicrous.

Michael’s voice alone would grate on my nerves, but it’s his fixation with Brian Kinney that is ringing bells of Obsessive Friend Disorder. Although he hits several markers that would render that an accurate diagnosis, I still think it goes deeper than that.

“Michael, I really wish you would pay attention to our business and leave Brian and Justin to their own. I swear if you spent half as much time on our relationship as you do minding Brian’s with Justin, we wouldn’t be sitting here too, Michael!”

“Brian is my business, Ben. I thought you understood that. You always said you did. But Ben…”

“But nothing, Michael! I’m so tired… you know what? I think I will take a page out of Justin’s book and leave before I wonder if this is even worth saving.”

“Fine. I’ll just get a ride with Brian then and see you at home, Honey. Okay?”

“How about asking Brian if he minds? Jesus! Michael, he may need some time alone, but you don’t think about anything but what you want, do you?”

“Oh Brian doesn’t mind. Besides it might do well for him and Justin to be apart right now. Now that I think about it Ben, we may stop over at Woody’s. I’m sure Brian can use a drink, and maybe some mindless fucking before going home to argue with Justin again. So don’t wait up.”

I don’t think there are any words in the human language to describe how Ben looked at him just then. It was a mixture of anger, hurt, outrage and disillusionment. I firmly believe that he’s going to contemplate whether his partnership is worth saving. Any other person in Michael’s predicament would be begging his husband to reconsider, actually showing him that he’s interested in saving what should be the most important relationship in his life. Instead Mr. Novotny just sits there, making plans in his head that don’t include Ben, ears attuned to what his going on around him with his other friends.

I’m beginning to understand where Ben ranks in the grand scheme of Michael’s life, but I have to ask him anyway. “Doesn’t that bother you?”

“What exactly?”

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. I already know just by his response that this will be the one patient that will either make me prove I’ve earned my degree or turn it in for pushing him into oncoming traffic before turning myself in at the police station. He’s infuriating to a degree that I really admire Ben Bruckner’s patience in not doing the humane thing and putting Michael out of his own misery, let alone everyone else’s. “Doesn’t it bother you that your partner chose not to share space with you anymore, while you’re still sitting here waiting for your best friend, who has just walked out the door?”

“What?” Michael’s ears perk up at the mention that Brian has left the building. “Brian!!!! Briiiiaaaannnnn!!” He screams out as he heads toward the exit, leaving all of us stunned by his actions, including his other friends, who actually don’t seem as shocked but appalled. Coming back to the table, he flounces down in his chair. “I can’t believe he left me after he said we would hang out after leaving here.”

“He did not say that at all. In fact, he gave a noncommittal grunt while he ignored you and tended to his own session. Michael, don’t you see that you and Ben are in trouble because of your behavior towards Brian and the others?”

“What are you talking about? Ben and I are fine. He knows how important Brian is to me. Ted and Emmett too, but especially Brian. We’ve been best friends since we were fourteen. Nothing’s going to change that.”

“Not even Ben? He’s your husband, shouldn’t he be your best friend now?”

“Ben understands his place in my life.” He tells me, smugly.

“That’s blindly evident since you’re sitting here without your life partner. Don’t you see anything wrong with this picture?”

“No, except that Melanie was being a bitch by ordering us to see you. I’ll never understand what she was thinking.”

“That perhaps she didn’t want to see any of you end up in divorce court over something that was fixable? Come on Mr. Novotny, you can’t be that blind.”

“I’m not blind. And Ben he’s… well he’s just fine with the way things are. Since he isn’t here though, I’ll have to call you to schedule the appointments. I was going to try to get them the same time as Brian and the twink that wouldn’t go away, but first I have to find out when they are.”

“Out of curiosity, why do you still call Mr. Taylor ‘the twink that wouldn’t go away’? Brian and Justin have been together for years, breaking up officially only once. In fact, they have been together longer than you and Mr. Bruckner.”

“No, they haven’t! And besides it’s only a matter of time before that fucking blond leaves again just like he did the last time. First it was the fiddler, then it was L.A., then New York; he’s always looking for the bigger better deal.”

“The first one was because you minded business that wasn’t yours. The second time benefitted you, nevermind that you tricked him to go by using Brian, and convincing him to speak your own wishes. As for the third time, that was for the advancement of his career as an artist. By all accounts, it was the right move at the time since he's successful, and you're just your usual unaccomplished self riding your friends' coattails, sowing dischord wherever you feel like it.” Another blond man interjects.

I remember Blake Wyzecki, a young man who was deeply into drugs at one time and who turned his life around for the better. I can’t help but wonder why he and his mild-mannered partner are sitting in this room. To the outside world, they never seem to have problems. Both are genuinely supportive of the other, but the fact that Judge Marcus ordered them here as well, is proof that no one really knows what goes on behind closed doors.

“No one asked you, junkie! And it’s not true.”

“It actually is, and you’re one to talk about being a junkie. I may have been addicted to tangible substances, but your addiction is even more detrimental to your mental health than mine ever was. Yours is about to cost you your marriage.”

“Blake, leave Michael alone,” Ted addresses him.

“Huh? Really? You know, I guess I should, since you all never seem to. You know, I’ve had just about enough of Michael AND YOU. And I can't stand another minute of it. I guess I’ll see you at home, whenever your master decides to free you.” Blake said, before he turned and walked out.

“Great Ted, now that he’s gone, you can give me a ride,” Michael insinuates, as Ted continues to watch Blake leave.

Sighing deeply, he turns to Michael. “Sure. I just need to finalize things with Brian regarding an account.”

“All you guys do is work! Save it for another day, will you? Besides Brian left me here awhile ago. We were supposed to go to Woody’s," Michael says piteously, before brightening. "Hey, why don’t we go? I’m sure Blake and Ben can use some time alone after their tantrums.”

I’m standing here pretty much in shock, seeing just what the real problem is. Michael has the ability to whine a person into submission, and they are all guilty of bowing to his wishes simply to shut him up. It’s like these men are so used to doing it that they don’t even realize the harm it’s caused to their significant others. I have to point this out, otherwise it won’t stop. Well it technically will, because the marriages will be destroyed by then, and the only one who will be happy about it is the grown man with the voice of a five year old.

God have mercy, how am I going to get through sessions with him? But more importantly, how am I going to get through to him?   

DUKE’S POV

I know I have to speak to the others, but right now I have my hands full with my two clients.

“You see that, Emmett? You wanna tell me again how catering to Michael is harmless?”

“Drewsie, I never said that it was harmless; merely the lesser of two evils,” Emmett answers, exasperation dripping in his voice.

“Well what is the other evil? Because as far as I’m concerned, this is stemming from you all letting Michael have full rein. I didn’t sign up to be ruled by Novotny; I thought I wanted to be with you. But between our schedules and Michael’s demands…”

“Wait! What do you mean, you ‘thought’ you wanted to be with me? I thought you decided that you were finished playing the field. Has that changed?”

“No, it hasn’t, but you have. Or I would like to think you did, because the Emmett Honeycutt that I met all those years ago would never let a militant midget like Michael Novotny rule him the way you are- the way you ALL are- doing! And you know what, Em? I’m tired of it. Something has got to change.”

“Or what?”

Drew stiffened his spine. “Or I’ll change it for myself. I refuse to be held fucking captive by a whining twerp who, because he’s unhappy with his own life, chooses to make everyone else just as miserable as he is. But you, Ted, and Brian can’t see that, can you? All you hear is that Michael whines and you all go running. Well I can’t speak on what the three of you are going to do, but I know that I’m tired. Ben is tired. Blake is tired. And Justin is fucking TIRED, since he’s been putting up with the Michael Novotny cockblocking methods a lot longer than any of the rest of us.”

“Drew…”

“No Emmett, you have a choice to make. Me or Michael, that’s the way of it. I’m not going to be the rest of them, wasting my time and hoping that shit will change. I’m willing to give this therapy thing a shot. But at the end of it, if nothing changes Emmett, I’m gone. And no matter how much it hurts, I won’t look back.” Drew rose out of his seat and left the conference room, leaving a stunned and hurt Emmett in his wake.

“I- I don’t know what to do. When we didn’t have partners, all we had was each other. Now Drew is ready to ditch me because of one of my best friends.”

“Emmett, you have to understand where Drew is coming from. How many hours up until this point have you and he worked? How many days out of this month alone have you seen each other?”

“Well since the month is almost over, I would say about six days so far, including today,” he answers, through the sniffles.

“And where were you for most of last week when both you and he had off? Were you spending time together as most couples would?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I was in P-town with…”

“With your best friends?”

“Yes. But it wasn’t like that!”

“Well what was it like then?” Getting Emmett to see his part in this debacle will be a little difficult. Not because he doesn’t want to know, but because he’s a guilt-monger. He will see the error of his ways, but then feel embarrassed because of his inability to say no to his friends. Or ONE friend, in particular. He will feel like he’s letting someone down if he has to choose.

Getting Emmett to actually choose what’s right for himself will be the real issue.

“Michael and Ben had a huge fight, and Michael thought that because we were all having some problems at home, that we should go away to have a partner-free week. You know, live like we were in our twenties again, without partners or responsibility. And that was fine, until we came back and realized that while we were gone, our left-behind-mates had formed a bond of their own. Whereas some of us didn’t really mind it, even though it was a shock at first…”

“Michael couldn’t stand it?”

“How did you know?”

“Emmett, I’m going to break code here and tell you the one thing that you can’t seem to see for yourself right now. Michael is the real problem you are having with Drew.” He goes to interrupt, but I stay him with my hand. “I don’t want you to dismiss or refute mine or Drew’s claim out of turn just yet. I’m going to rely on you to take an honest look for yourself. You are an intelligent man Emmett; more intelligent than you let on at times. It keeps people at bay, and from expecting too much out of you. I understand, and I suspect that Brian and Ted know this, as well. But they still allow you to be flighty, showing just enough wisdom to keep from being called upon to make the tough decisions. You are not stupid by any means, but take comfort in being thought of as such. I wonder why that is, but I suspect you will tell me when you are ready. In the meantime, I want you to recall every single instance since you all became involved in relationships, where Michael has called you to ditch your partner in favor of helping him through whatever crisis he was having at the moment. When you do it, I want you to pay close attention to what you were doing, about to do, or had just finished doing. I think once you do this little exercise, some answers will become even more clear to you.”

“You really think so?”

I nod. “As I’ve said, Emmett, you’re a very astute man. Sadly though, you use that particular gift so sparingly that it has left you in a position where you have to choose between your partner and your supposed friend.”

Emmett gets up from the table, following the path that Ted and Michael had just taken. I really hope that he will take my advice to heart, and really look at his relationship with Michael Novotny. I can’t say whether the little man is bad or good, but in my opinion he is a pest. I’m glad I don’t have to deal with him. I’m definitely feeling sorry for Barry and Alex, who will have to deal with the most traumatizing effects of the man.  

BERNARD’S POV

Once the conference room cleared out, we all decided to join Alex at his table. We needed to come up with a definitive course of action to help these couples. Melanie is counting on us to save them for whatever reason. I know she knows them all, and has for a long time. It also means that she knows their strengths, weaknesses, faults, and triumphs.

I have a feeling that each of us will be seeking her counsel at various points in the days ahead.

“So what do you guys think?” I ask, taking the seat closest to Barry. He and Alex are having their own problems, but I’ve vowed not to interfere, even if they are two of my best friends. They’re problem is that one wants children, while the other is happy the way they are. I don’t know how they intend to resolve it, but I agree with both of them. No one should have kids if they don’t want them, and no one should be denied the right to have them if they do. They’ve been together since freshman year of college and have been monogamous for the past four years. The first ten years of their relationship was a lot like the Taylor-Kinneys. Which brings up another question. “Alex, how come no one except us in this room knows that Brian and Justin have been married for far more than three years?”

“Believe it or not, it was Justin’s idea. He didn’t want Brian’s friends to shit all over their union,” he tells us.

“Surely they wouldn’t do that, right? Maybe that is the reason Michael is acting the way he is?” Duke asks.

“Honestly, this level of clinginess is tame compared to how Michael would act if he found out that Brian and Justin entered an LDP. He’s reverted to how he was in the earlier days of Brian and Justin’s relationship. In fact, I think he may actually be a little worse,” Alex informs all of us. "This time it isn’t just Brian pulling away from him, but also Ted and Emmett. It was always fine if Michael was the only one of them in a steady, acknowledged relationship, but once Brian and Justin- who have been together the longest- made a public declaration and Ted then Emmett followed suit, it’s like he feels he needs to restore order to all of their lives. Hence the reason for partner-free week.”

“Fuck, that seems to have just driven all of the problems to the forefront,” I say.

“It has, in more ways than you can imagine, which brings us to my idea. I think we should have the guys write letters. I know we all have our own individual plans for getting our couples back on track, but think about the things they refuse to say to each other. We don’t know why usually outspoken men are choosing to clam up, unless it’s in anger and they’re arguing. This may well be the most effective way for them to communicate right now,” Alex suggests.

“Thinking about what just happened with Emmett, I think you may have a point. It isn’t that he was holding himself back, but is afraid of disappointing people, be it his friends or his lover. Emmett has to be able to find a way to put himself first. I think somewhere along the way, he’s forgotten how,” Duke confides.

“I think the same is going for Ted and Blake, but it’s a little different. I don’t know what it is, but I think they are thinking of using again. When they were those people, it made being angry easy. Consequently, it also made them brutally honest to the point just shy of being deliberately cruel. Right now, they are both angry, but afraid of what that anger will do to the other while sober. In rehab, they are taught to rationalize and strive for patience in each of their interactions. Sadly, that theory isn’t going to get the results they both need right now. A little bit of it came out when Michael insulted Blake, but that was the easy part, as it often is. Being mad at a friend or stranger is much easier than dealing with a live-in partner. These letters might be the key to helping Ted and Blake verbalize what’s bothering them again.”

“So we’re all agreed? Barry, is there anything you would like to add?” Alex asks.

“Just that I don’t know how successful I’ll be with such a method. You’ve heard Michael talk.”

“But he did write a successful comic.”

“True but this is different than writing ‘POW,’ ‘ZIP’ and ‘ZOOM’ on a page. Sadly, that’s exactly the kind of shit I expect to get.”

“He may surprise you,” I offer and let me tell you, if looks could kill, we’d all be dead.

“Look, I’m willing to try this and look for the best while doing it. But I’ll be honest in telling you that I expect the worst. It’s not that I worry about Ben being able to formulate his thoughts logically and coherently, he’s a writer so he should be. But Michael… just talking to him tries the patience to the point of wanting to mix meds and alcohol; I can only imagine what his writing will make me want to do.”

“Let’s try it for a month and see what the results are, okay?” Alex asks, and reluctantly Barry nods. “In the meantime, I think we should call them the ‘Strawberry Letters.’”

“Really? Why?” I ask, intrigued with the name.

“Because just as with the fruit, they can either be bitter or sweet. I think the hate mail portion of the exercise is going to be especially difficult to deal with. I have an idea on how to go about it with Brian and Justin and it actually may make it easier for them.”

“What’s the plan?”

“Let me run it by them first and then I’ll tell you guys. I’m just hoping that Mel’s faith in me isn’t misplaced. I’m dealing with two extraordinarily stubborn men who also have more passion and love for each other than I’ve ever seen. The problem is that love sometimes isn’t enough. If they feel that they are more of a hinderance than a help to their partner, they will leave without a second thought. Brian has done that more than a few times. The problem this time is that I think Justin will let him. I think he’s done fighting.”

We all sat there for a minute and absorbed Alex’s preliminary opinion on the matter. We’ve each watched Brian and Justin Taylor-Kinney over the years and have seen the tremendous growth the men had from the early days of their relationship where Brian wouldn’t even acknowledge that it was one. Despite Justin’s age, or maybe because of it, they had kept their relationship open so that Justin would never feel as if he was missing anything a young man should experience. We all watched them fight their way through the bashing and Stockwell’s attempt to sabotage Brian’s career; the rise of Brian Kinney businessman and Justin Taylor, artist extraordinaire. We’ve cheered in their triumphs and cried during their sorrows, just as most of the Liberty Avenue regulars have. To see them end would be devastating. More than anything, we had to get the other couples right within their own relationships so that Brian and Justin could repair theirs free and clear. There aren’t two men on this earth who deserve to be together more than the Taylor-Kinneys.

“You do whatever needs to be done Alex. And we’ll do our part to fix the other couples. Maybe the key to Michael’s behavior is that he is slow to accept change unless he’s the one doing it,” Barry offered.

“That’s a big part of it,” Alex confirmed. “But he has to realize that life doesn’t stop or revolve around him. Time marches on and so does everyone else. What he’s trying to do to keep that from happening is ruining lives. But of course, in Michael’s mind, he’s saving his friends. Always wanting to be the superhero even though what he’s really doing is helping them sabotage themselves. I have a meeting with Brian and Justin tonight. Hopefully they can be in the same place and not want to kill each other.”

We all said our goodbyes and wished Alex luck. If Justin’s departure earlier was any indication of how bad things have really gotten between Brian and Justin, he was going to need it.

STAYING OR GOING: CHAPTER ONE

JUSTIN:

I just couldn’t stay there anymore. I know that Melanie thinks that Brian and I need time and counseling to work our relationship out, but I’m just not sure it’s worth it anymore. I know that you- and everyone else- are probably wondering how Brian and I arrived at this point. Sometimes I wonder that too. I mean, one day we were fine and then it was like we just… just couldn’t be around each other. Between work and family and his friend, Brian and I just keep running from each other. I’ve been trying to tell him about the job offer I got for weeks, and every time I get up the courage to tell him, Michael calls or work interrupts for both of us. But if I’m being honest, mostly it’s Michael.

I thought that he and I had worked all of that out years before. I mean Rage took off like a shot. Although it was based on mine and Brian’s public life together, people seemed to want to read about it. Thankfully, the more private matters between Brian and I never made it to print. Not saying that Michael didn’t try to slip it in there time and again, because he did.

But the clause I put in the contract between us gave me equal veto power, which I used by refusing to draw the scenario. Sure it resulted in plenty of fights, where he tried to involve Brian, and stalemates when Brian would advise him that he didn’t have a say in the comic, but it didn’t change the fact that there were some things that people- including Michael- didn’t need to know. The real problems really began when I began spending more time out of town and less time being accessible for Rage, resulting in only four issues per year being produced. Because of this new job offer, depending on if I take it or not, my part in Rage may have to be stopped altogether. But then again, it may be anyway.

I’ve decided against going to the loft and make the half hour trip out to the house instead. The loft holds too many memories of the things I need to get away from right now. It holds secrets, which continually haunt me. It’s a place of misconceptions and misunderstandings; the land of constant interruption; the land of make believe; the life of grin and bear it or fake it until you make it; a life separate than what Brian and I have spent years trying to build, a life that existed before there was ever an us, and a place that will still exist if I am gone. But the house is ours.

It’s where he proposed. It's where we decided to design the life we want. Here is where we shared our hopes and dreams for ourselves. This house represents the commitment we made in front of a lawyer, signing paper after paper, joining our lives after Stockwell. It represents us.

As I walk into the great room, the place where he asked me to go to Vermont, as an outward show of what we’d already done, I remember the day like it was yesterday- the day I told him I would marry him. It was probably the second happiest day of my life that I could remember. The first, we don’t talk about anymore. We told everyone that we were going to New York for a few meetings, which we did, but flew to Vermont directly from JFK as soon as Brian finished up. The Eagle Inn was a quaint little Bed and Breakfast run by Daryl and Stephen Fuller.

I remember Brian had joked with them about being the only two queens who didn’t retire to Palm Springs, but Daryl loved the cold and so they stayed. It didn’t occur to me until that moment that Brian had known the pair for a long time. It turned out that Daryl was one of Brian’s first major clients, back when he had just started out at Ryder Advertising Agency and they had never lost contact, even when Daryl had sold his car motor corporation. Being there with Brian in the company of Stephen and Daryl was a magical time. The older couple even acted as witnesses to mine and Brian’s legal union within the state.

I wish we could return to that short-lived era of peace in our lives, where it was just the two of us, away from everyone and everything that would interfere with what we wanted.

After starting the fire, I take a seat directly across from it, hoping it will warm me from the inside as well as outside. The courtroom drama was not where I would ever have predicted Brian and I being that long ago day when I said yes. It was surprising when Melanie ordered us to attend counseling. Hell it was a surprise to see her on the bench in Pittsburgh period. Not because she wasn’t intelligent enough to be there, but because when she left Lindsay, she said that she wouldn’t be caught dead in this town again.

Since their split, Lindsay had been flitting from place to place, living the life of a socialite. Her new husband, Harrison, makes sure that Lindsay has everything she wants as long as she stays far away from Brian. Her obsession with Brian when they first met almost turned him away, much like it almost had Mel. It was Melanie that leveled with Harrison about what Lindsay’s fascination with Brian really was. So because he wanted her, he wooed her and eventually won Lindsay over.

I was surprised that Mel was so willing to let her go. After all, Mel had fought for Lindsay's love, as hard as I did for Brian's. But she had confided in me that it wasn’t working, and that Lindsay had cheated with a man again. So in her mind, the best way to love Lindsay was to let her go. I admired Mel for that, but I couldn’t be so fucking forgiving.

And yet, here I am sitting by myself in the unenviable position of having to make a similar decision. Just goes to show that one should never say what they wouldn’t do when faced with a situation. I love Brian… I really do. But I don’t like him very much right now, and I’m tired.

I’m tired of the best friend being put before me; tired of the sly innuendoes and putdowns; tired of being afraid to fight back because I would be making Brian choose between me and someone who he has a long and varied history with. But it’s also because I love Brian that I can’t ask him to choose… And honestly, he shouldn’t have to. Michael has done everything in his power to separate Brian and I. It hadn’t worked for many years, so one would think Michael would have given up by now, right?

No, the tenacious little bastard just steps back, and regroup. Then he discovers new ways to drive the wedge between my husband and me. The sad thing is that I can’t even put this ball firmly in Michael’s court, because Brian made the choice to follow Michael’s edicts. And so I’ve made the choice to stop fighting them.

My phone is buzzing again, and I refuse to answer it. I don’t want to talk to Brian right now. There’s nothing that we haven’t already said to each other that needs to be stated again. He knows how I feel and it still doesn’t seem to matter, so why bother beating the dead horse? Mel ordered us to counseling so I’ll adhere to going, but it doesn’t mean that I have to participate when I do.

I don’t believe in exercises of futility, and this is apparently becoming one. After the phone buzzes for the umpteenth time I finally look at the screen. I can’t help the eye roll as I look at the caller with the number sixteen beside it. Against my better judgement, I answer. “What do you want, Michael?”

“I want to speak to Brian. Pass him the phone.”

“So let me get this straight… you called my phone to speak to him?”

“Well duh...Yeah.”

“And you find nothing wrong with this?”

“Look, Justin, just give him the fucking phone!”

“Sure,” I say, just before hanging up.

Of course he doesn’t take the hint and stop calling, even when I don’t answer the next several calls. The twentieth time in a row that my phone buzzes, I answer without looking at the screen. “Michael, go fuck yourself and stop ringing my damn phone! Or better yet, go home and try to fix your marriage since you’ve already done enough damage to ruin mine.”

The silence on the phone is deafening, until I hear the slight wheezing from the deviated septum that I know so well.

“Is that what you think, Justin? That our marriage is ruined?”

I swallow hard before asking, “Why are you calling?”

“I was wondering where you were. I arrived back here a little while ago, and you’re still not here. Where are you?”

“I’m at home.” The words pass my lips, before I have a chance to stop them. I didn’t mean to tell him. I don’t want to see him right now; not when I feel so… so… “I’m at the house, Brian. And I would appreciate it if you don’t come here right now.  I need some space.”

He’s quiet, as he often is when he has to digest something I’ve said. “Is that what we really need right now, Justin? Space? I think there is enough space between us even when we occupy the same room.”

“Then you won’t mind staying away then, will you?” I couldn’t help the sneer that entered my voice just then. He just makes me so fucking angry. I guess I do the same to him.

“Look, I just called to tell you that Alex would like to meet with us tonight at the Penn. He’ll be there at seven. Hopefully you will be, too.”

He leaves that hanging in the air as he hangs up. Why? Why does Alex want to meet us there and why that particular hotel?  We haven’t been there since… No, I won’t think about that. I won’t discuss it.

I won’t let it throw me into a panic attack. That part of my life is over; I won’t let it rule me again! I made so many fucked up decisions during that time and all because of… NO! I won’t think about it, won’t discuss it, won’t be ruled by the things I still can’t remember, or the things that Brian wishes he could forget.

It’s not the sum of who we were, who we became or who we are now.

I get up, crossing over to the bar and pour myself some Maker’s Mark. I always find that it calms me when I’m facing something that I don’t want to. Well this and Brian, but my husband isn’t here so… One drink becomes two and then three, four and five but it’s still not helping. Although I’m not nearly drunk enough, I still know that I can’t drive. As soon as I pick up my phone to call the car service, the phone buzzes in my hand again. I open the text message.

Hey Baby, I just wanted to check on you. I know today hasn’t been easy… Well, not for any of us really. Drewsie and I are barely speaking, and I know that he’s ready to walk. I don’t know what I can do to stop this. But maybe Mel’s idea will give us a chance. Maybe it will give ALL OF US a chance to fix what’s broken. I hope you give Brian a chance… There is so much more to this than you know and that I can tell you. Fight for what you want for a change, Justin. Well that’s all I wanted to tell you.

Luv Ya, Em.

I read the message a few times, allowing my semi-inebriated brain to take in the words and process them. Had this been seven years ago, hell even twelve years ago, my answer to what I want would have been simple. It was Brian, it had always been Brian and it will always be Brian. But things change. I’m not the clueless young man they all thought me to be anymore. I’m a man, full grown with aspirations more than just to be with Brian; to be fucked by Brian; to be loved by Brian. Sometimes love- such as it is- just isn’t enough.

IN OR OUT: CHAPTER ONE

BEN:

I should have followed Justin’s lead when he walked out of that conference room. It would have been better than once again hearing my partner declare that anything concerning Brian is his business. Why can’t he accept that it isn’t? Why can’t he understand that just as everyone else’s relationship is in trouble, so is ours? Is it that he is clueless, or is it that he just doesn’t give a fuck? Based on his actions today, I would say my answer is the latter, but most telling is that I don’t know how to feel about that.

I think back to all of the half-assed gestures I’ve accepted from him over the years, all for the sake of saying that I was in a relationship. What’s funny is that I remember how Michael acted after he discovered that I tricked with Brian once, many years ago, before he and I even met. I should have heeded the warning signs of our impending doom then. He acted like a jealous housewife, wounded beyond belief at the thought that his best friend had done his boyfriend. In my wanting it to be about his jealousy concerning me, I accepted him back into my life after he said he saw what his tantrum was really costing us. I should have seen through the lie right then and there. Instead my ego was boosted; the breath I was holding, released in an effort to believe that I was the one he really wanted. That may have been true at the time, but Michael’s actions over the past several years are telling a completely different story. I can’t even say when it started and that’s what’s worrying me the most.        

The thing that I’ve learned about Michael is that there is always a motive to the things he says and does. Sure, to most, it would come off as him having chronic foot-in-mouth disease or him being naive enough to not see the destruction he leaves in his wake. He comes off as the boy-next-door with the pure heart of a child and the ready-made excuse of ‘that wasn’t what I meant.’ Sadly, we are all guilty of letting him get away with all the bullshit, excusing it as one of Michael’s quirks- of him just being Michael. Debbie first started the cycle of excusing him and like good little soldiers, we all marched to her tune in exchange for acceptance. Now that’s not to say that I think the ball is squarely in her court, just that she set Michael’s expectations of those around him in that direction. We all made the choice to accept the edict.

Well all of us except Justin, who used to give back to Michael as good as the older man gave. I wonder what changed within Justin that made him stop doing it. Somehow, I think a lot of what Michael and I are going through is wrapped up in Justin’s detachment. It’s not his fault, but without Justin to shine a light on the problems- to call Michael on his bullshit- left us all feeling around in the dark while Michael maneuvered and manipulated behind the scenes. No, I hold no illusions about my husband. Michael is a manipulative little shit on most days, but his motives aren’t always clear.

Even now, I sit here trying to figure out why he’s been interfering in the others’ relationships while neglecting our own to the point that Mel has ordered us to counseling. It can’t be my HIV status, since my bloodwork is really good and all traces of the virus are almost undetectable. The cocktail and nutrition regime I’ve been on for the last several years has really done its job- knock on wood. So if it isn’t that, what is it? Why has Michael reverted to the man he was before I was around. According to what Justin has told me, Michael was possessive of his friends, always making it clear that interlopers were temporary and unwelcome, unless they fulfilled some sort of purpose for him.

At first, it was hard to believe that of the man I love, but then I began to open my eyes to Michael’s modus operandi after Justin left Brian for Ethan for a short time. When Justin and Brian reunited, it would have taken a jackhammer to remove the scowl from Michael’s face. But after a time, Michael’s annoyance just simply disappeared. It was right around the time of the Liberty ride, when Justin was in Los Angeles working on turning the comic into a movie that Michael began to get back to normal. In retrospect, I guess it was seeing that the resident stud wasn’t attached at the cock to his partner that eased Michael’s tension at long last. But why would that be his business though? He and I are together most of the time, so why would it be a problem for Michael that Brian and Justin are?

Justin was part of the group for over two years before I walked into the comic book store, looking for material for my Gay Studies class. I remember meeting Justin at the GLC and thinking to myself how young he was, until I talked to him and got to know him. I remember him telling me not to be intimidated by Michael’s friends, that they were really a loving group of guys when they got to know you. I didn’t understand what he meant until I saw his interaction with Ted and Emmett. However, when Brian shared space with the blond, there was no one in the room between them. I often marveled how the air became charged with anticipation whenever one of them would come into the room, hunting the crowds for the other. And then when they touched or danced or fucked in public, it was as tangible to the senses as if you were a participant in whatever activity they were engaged in. I often felt wrung out just being in their presence for more than fifteen minutes. When did that change? It’s still there, but now the things they don’t say creates a space between them.

Michael and I never had that kind of heat. We’re more like a slow burn- or at least I’d like to think so. Ted and Blake are like us, whereas Emmett and Drew, it depends on the day. But Brian and Justin were constant fire. I preferred Michael and I because we were less volatile but now, I’m not so sure anymore. What I am sure of though, is that I can’t live like this anymore. There is always a third person in our life, in our bed, and although I don’t necessarily blame Brian, I admit that he doesn’t help it either. Sometimes I think Michael would prefer that I be him. Does that make sense? He doesn’t want Brian per se, but someone with all of the attributes he’s built up about the man, in a partner.

Before Paul and HIV, I might have been that man. I was carefree and careless, indiscriminate and unapologetic. I was Brian Kinney with a Superman body, living dangerously and loving every minute of it. There is a good possibility that like Brian, Michael wouldn't have been a glitch on my gaydar. But now… now I’m a man who has to take pills with the knowledge they can stop working at any time; a man who faces his life thankful for living another day, even if it is on borrowed time; a man who finds a great book as enjoyable as a night on the town. I am an award-winning author and college professor, with a partner who relies on me to be there for him. So why am I not enough?

I asked Justin, Blake, and Drew this question not too long ago. Their response was that I am but maybe I’m too much for Michael to handle. I laughed it off at first, but now I’m starting to wonder. Maybe my expectations are too much when he isn’t used to having anyone expect anything from him- meaning Brian, Emmett and Ted. I really hope Mel knew what she was doing in sending us to counseling, because if what I suspect is true of my marriage to Michael, I should just go on and start divorce proceedings right now.

BLAKE

Why the fuck am I still here? It’s more than obvious where Ted wants to be, and with whom. Meanwhile Diane keeps calling me and I still can’t go to see him. I was going to ask Ted to go with me but instead he blew our vacation- time we set aside to go visit my family- to go on that fucking escapade Michael suggested. He knew I couldn’t go there by myself; he knew it was much too painful for me to face them on my own and yet… It doesn’t even matter anymore.

The funny thing is I can understand Ted’s attachment to Kinnetik. A busy mind stays off getting high is a motto he lives by. I can respect that, but what about me? Sure, I work long hours too but I always at least try to make time to spend with him. He used to, but doesn’t anymore. Like I said, work isn’t the problem per se, it’s that all his free time is also filled with everyone else… meaning the latest crisis in the Michael Novotny Tragedy of Never Ending Dramas. I mean, where does Ben fit into Michael’s life if he’s always running Teddy, Em, and Brian down? I have a feeling that if Teddy and Em didn’t show up, Brian wouldn’t either. It’s like the three of them have become a crutch for each other just to deal with Michael’s addiction to Brian Kinney. He can say what he wants. Addiction takes on many forms, and Michael Novotny has been an addict since he was fourteen. I don’t know how Justin has put up with it for as long as he has. But maybe that’s about to change too.

God, I really hope not but I’ve seen the looks of discontent Justin has been wearing lately. It’s the same look I sport in the mirror after I’ve planned something with Ted but he’s called away again. Sometimes I wish I could just take Ted’s phone and chuck it, get the numbers changed and never tell anyone. That’s how bad it’s gotten. Last week while our partners were away, I’d gotten to know the guys pretty well, especially Drew. What’s funny-but not funny- is that we are all going through the same problem, including Ben. The rest of us, I can kind of understand, but Drew can have any man he wants. And he wants Emmett. I remember trying to call Ted to have Emmett call Drew but who else but Michael answered the phone, saying that it was partner-free week for a reason and that Ted’s phone won’t be available to him for the duration so I should stop calling. Then he hung up the phone while I fumed on the other end. I swear, if I knew where they were staying, I would have driven there just to kick the little twerp’s ass. But I did hear the music reminiscent of Babylon in the background so I guess he was having a grand old time with his best friends.

Don’t get me wrong… I love everything about Teddy, from the way he irons his boxers to the way he plays opera while crunching numbers. I simply love him. But I don’t like him right now. I still can’t believe he told me to leave Michael alone but has yet to address him for speaking to me as he did. Double standard much? Well I’m sick of it! I don’t have to live like this anymore. I have to find time to go see Gramps. That’s the first thing I have to do. Maybe one of the guys can go with me, so that I can see Gramps and get the hell out of dodge before any of the family realizes that I’m in town. He and Diane are the only ones I still speak to. It’s a shame that I can’t depend on my partner because he’s too busy being leaned on by an insignificant idiot, but that’s the way of things.

I pick up the phone to call Drew just as Ted walks in. He tries to say something to me but I just frown and look away.

“Hey, it’s me. Can you come and pick me up? I need to ask you for a favor too. Can you take a few days off? Good. I’ll see you in a bit.” I hang up.

“Who was that and where are you going?” Ted asks me, accusation clear in his voice. Ordinarily I would do anything I could to reassure him but right now, I simply don’t care what he thinks.

“None of your business Ted. I’m sure you have plenty of other things to keep you occupied while I’m gone.”

“Where are you going?”

“Apparently, you tuned out the answer I just gave you. Now if there’s nothing else, I have to pack.”

“Blake…”

“No Ted, just no. Don’t ‘Blake’ me, especially not now. I’m leaving; I don’t know when I’ll be back. I would say that I would call you but I’m sure your warden won’t give you the phone if I do so…”

“You’re still pissed about that? Blake, Michael didn’t mean anything by it.”

Silence.

“Blake?”

I roll my eyes and resume my packing. As far as I’m concerned, this conversation is over for now but the urge to get high and forget is really fucking with me to the point that I’m near tears. Thankfully, my phone rings to get me out of the thought before I make another stupid decision. The first one seems to be getting involved with Ted again.

“Yeah. I’ll be right down. No more than a week I guess. Are you sure? Okay and thanks again.”

“So you’re going to be gone for a week?” Ted asks me.

“What’s it to you? You were gone for a week.”

“Blake…”

“Goodbye Ted,” I utter as I move passed him with my luggage in tow. “Don’t call me, I’ll call you.” I slam the door behind me. Normally I would feel some remorse. But right now all I feel is anger one minute, hurting for a hit the next second, and then empty after that. What the fuck am I going to do?

I get downstairs and find that Drew called a car service for us. “I figured that neither of us were in the mood to drive tonight. Plus airport parking can be a bitch. So you’re finally going to see him?”

“Yeah, I have to. I just don’t want to see the rest of them beyond Diane. If I can get in and out of there without them knowing, I’ll be incredibly happy.”

“Maybe there’s a way but let’s see what greets us when we get there okay, my friend?”

I feel the tears well up in my eyes as he embraces me. I have longed for just a hug for what seems like forever. I’m glad that Drew and I have become such good friends. “I have to call Justin before we get on the plane.”

“You should. He’ll probably want to make some arrangements before we arrive there. Don’t worry Squirt, I have your back. They’re not going to be able to touch you with me around.”

I laugh at the nickname Drew and Ben have taken to calling me. It feels good to have actual friends. I feel a bit sorry for Ben in all of this but he has some decisions of his own to make regarding Michael. None of us can tell him what to do because we are all biased when it comes to Ben. He’s a good man and a lot of fun when Michael isn’t around and he isn’t feeling threatened. I hope he makes the right decision for himself in the end.

We pull up to the gate and after checking in enter the lounge area for first class. I pull out the phone and call Justin to let him know that we’re going. He tells me that he’s at the William Penn waiting for Alex and Brian. “Why that hotel?” I ask, knowing that he knows why I’m asking.

“I want to know the same thing. But in the meantime, you keep in touch with me and tell me what you need. When you get there, have the limo take you to the Four Seasons. I’ll book you in the suite Kinnetik uses all the time. It’s an added benefit of being part owner of the company. It’s a two bedroom so there’s plenty of room for both you and Drew.”

“Thanks Justin,” Drew tells him. “You keep in touch with us too, okay? I don’t like the idea of you sitting at the bar by yourself in that hotel. If there was any way I could be there with you…”

“It’s okay Drew, I know. But at least the bar is fully stocked with a bunch of liquid courage. I have a feeling I’m going to need it. Call me when you get there. I’ll text Ben to let him know and don’t worry Blake, I won’t spill unless I’m asked where you are directly, and neither will Ben. I doubt either of us will be where any of them can ask us anything. I’m staying out at the house and Brian is staying at the loft so you don’t have to worry about me telling him.”

“Are you two splitting up?” I ask in shock that they will be staying in separate places. I can’t remember a time they did unless one of them were out of town or when Justin was with Ethan. But that was years ago.

“Not yet, but I just can’t live with him right now. I don’t want to.” Justin’s voice broke then and I could feel his agony over the airwaves. Based on Drew’s reaction, he could too.

“Don’t worry about it Sunshine. Things will work out as they’re supposed to. I think we all have to believe that in the end, don’t we?” Drew tells him. “Now in the meantime, have a few of those Maker’s Marks for me.”

“How did you know I was drinking that?” Justin asks, amazement clear in his voice.

“You’re pretty predictable where drinking is concerned. Partying- depending on your mood- it’s either tequila, margaritas or Beam, in a mellow mood you’re drinking JW Black, but when you’re pissed, depressed, or nervous, you’re guzzling Mark. I’d imagine sitting there you’re all three of the latter.”

“Yeah I am. But enough about me. You guys have a safe flight and keep me posted. Also Drew, my security team will be in place once you arrive in Palm Beach.”

“Will do,” he says, just as the phone disconnects.  

They call for our flight and I know that whatever awaits me in Florida will still be easier than what I will come back to.   

DREW:

We arrived at the hotel and I have to say, Justin outdid himself. Ironically, even with all of my money, fame and success, I have never stayed at the Four Seasons. I think it will become my new favorite hotel chain and hobby from now on. I wish Emmett was here, he would love it but… maybe this time away will be good for both of us. I know that seems strange to say but after the PFW he and his friends had last week… well let’s just say I’m not quite over being pissed off.

I wonder if he arrived home by now and received my note. If Michael had his way- which he most assuredly is- I would say, probably not. I don’t know where Emmett and I started going wrong but I don’t like being taken for granted. Out of all the men who fell at my feet during my ‘teen years’ of being a gay man, I never forgot Emmett. I never didn’t NOT want to be with him; I never took the gift of his love and friendship for granted, even when he let me go to find out the meaning of being a gay man. And yet, every time he leaves me, for business or for pleasure, I feel like a spectator in his life. Last week was supposed to be ours. It was the first time in four months that we had off from our schedules at the same time, not having to travel here or there just to spend a half an hour at a time in the same place. I can’t even lay all of this bullshit at Michael’s feet because Emmett made the choice. When I pointed out what he was doing- albeit angrily- Em dug in his heels and left. I didn’t even find out where they were except by text message telling me that he would be back in a week. How fucked up is that?

Well I returned the favor somewhat. I told him that Blake had something to take care of and that I was with him. I know that Em will know that nothing is going on between me and Squirt but he will know how it feels to receive information secondhand. It fucking hurts! And sadly, that’s what I want Emmett to feel right now. I want him to know for once what it feels like when he comes home and I’m not there because of a friend, not work. I want him to know how it feels to need my support and understanding but it not be there because of a friend, not work. Dammit I want him to finally understand the loneliness that the others and myself have been left feeling for the longest time because of a fucking friend, not their respective careers. I want Emmett to do what he wants for once and not what’s expected of him by a so-called friend.

“Hey, you okay?” Blake asks as he comes up behind me while I overlook the skyline. “You have that scowl on your face again.”

“I know. Just thinking about Emmett… again.”

“Don’t lie to me Drew. Sure you were thinking of Emmett but also of the situation you- the situation we’re all- in. I don’t know what Mel was thinking when she ordered us to therapy.”

“I think maybe she’s trying in her own way to save us from ending up like her and Lindsay.”

“But Lindsay is Bi with entitled expectations so where’s the comparison?”

“Let’s make ourselves comfortable and I’ll tell you my theory, okay?”

He nodded and we went out onto the balcony. The night air was warm and sultry. I can’t imagine being in this environment all the time; I’m already sweating bullets. But Blake looks like he was born for it. I supposed he’s used to it having lived in this city for most of his life until he was eighteen. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for him not having familial support for all this time. Even when I came out, my folks were understanding about it and just asked that if I was so inclined, they would like a grandchild eventually. But Blake is here to see his grandfather and sister while trying to avoid the rest. It’s going to be hard for him and yet here we are both thinking about what we just left back in the Pitts.

“Mel knew that Lindsay was Bi but didn’t want to face it. That denial caused her to think she wasn’t enough for Lindz. By the time Mel accepted that things between her and Lindsay weren’t going to work, there was just too much bad blood between them. In Mel’s mind, I think she’s thinking that if she and Lindsay had just talked first about the issues in their relationship, they could have saved the friendship.”

“But their friends now, right?”

“Yeah but they weren’t for quite awhile, even though Mel did right by Lindsay when she let her go to be with Harrison. There was no doubt that Mel loved her and that it was a tough decision. But she’s giving all of us a chance to make an informed decision about whether we think our relationships are worth the trouble. She’s giving us a chance to say what we need to say in a controlled environment and to know that we did everything we could regardless of the outcome.”

“You’re remarkably well-informed.”

“Mel and I became friends right after Emmett let me go. She was there the night that Emmett explained that a newly gay boy had no business in a relationship with someone who had known who he is for a long time. It was Melanie that helped me see the true gift of what Emmett gave me, even at great personal cost to himself.”

“So where does that leave you and Em now?”

“In the same mess we’ll go back to in a few days. I just don’t know Blake. This situation with Michael…”

“Is annoying as fuck!”

The vehemence in his voice caught me by surprise. Although I didn’t know him that well prior to last week, Blake was always the Anti-Justin, slow-to-anger, more timid than confrontational, a slow burn instead of a stick of dynamite. Somewhere along the way, Justin has been becoming Blake while the slight blond before me has been slowly unraveling.

“Yeah it is but what else is bothering you Squirt?” He smiled slightly has his newly-given nickname but it wasn’t as bright as I’ve ever seen it. In fact it was downright dismal compared to the wattage he and Justin usually have.

“Just got a lot to think about Drew; same as you.”

I nodded knowing that he wasn’t telling me the full truth. But I was willing to let him have his secret for now to work out on his own. Lord knows I’m fighting my own penchant to want to forget by sinking into the nearest ass I can find, just because I can. Brian and I have that in common. But I don’t want to hurt Emmett that way. I promised him that my wild oats soaring days were over when we came back together. I never regretted it and even though I’m feeling a bit jaded right now, I still don’t.

“Well Blake, I suggest we can the think cap for the night, go out and get some dinner and then come back and hit the bed. You have a long-awaited date with destiny tomorrow and I may have to crack some skulls to give you time with one of the men who matter the most to you. All this other stuff can wait. It simply has to. So what do you want to eat?”

And by tacit agreement, Blake and I decide to concentrate on our reason for being in Florida, leaving the reasons for our added anxieties languishing in the backs of our minds for another time.   

CHAPTER 2: BEFORE I LET GO

ALEX:

Brian and I arrive at the William Penn Hotel at about the same time. He looks just as miserable as he did earlier, only maybe a little worse for the wear. Wordlessly, he and I cross over to the bar. After looking around for the third member of our party, I finally spot him sitting in a darkened corner. He’s staring out of the window, sipping on his drink every now and again. He hasn’t seen us yet even though I can see that he’s aware of the subtle change of his atmosphere. Even from here, I can see his discomfort with this environment and his pain because of the reason he’s here. I look over at Brian and see the same turmoil in his eyes even as his face remains stoic.

He breaks the spell by moving towards Justin first while I follow at a more sedate pace. I can tell when Brian says Justin’s name from the stiffness that enters the younger man’s shoulders, as if he’s girding himself for another battle. I’ve seen that happen many times between them off and on over the years but especially in the early days. Watching their interaction is like seeing the last ten plus years undone- not unraveling but as if their lives were never tied in the first place. Brian bends over to kiss Justin’s cheek, like he would on any other normal day but Justin reflexively pulls away. From this distance, I can’t tell whether it’s reactive of being in this place or if that denial was solely because of Brian. The older man thinks it’s him though, if his deflated shoulders are any indication.

Once I reach the table, Brian orders a double shot of Beam, while I order a beer until I can get a handle on what I’m really dealing with. Justin orders a Maker’s which tells me what type of mood Justin is in. Brian’s eyes widen at the choice as well. I remember the first time I saw him drink that in public. Justin had come into the bar wearing a navy blue peacoat, his eyes glassy. I knew there was something wrong but couldn’t figure out what at the time. He made himself comfortable- or as comfortable as one could get- on a barstool in Woody’s and ordered that. At first, I was laughing a bit, thinking what an old drink for such a young man; Justin was more of a tequila or vodka kind of guy unless he and Brian were together. Then it was mostly double shots of Jim Beam. But the cask strength of Maker’s Mark was Justin’s chosen drink that night.

Before I could go to him to find out what was going on, Brian surfaced next to him. “Where’s your boyfriend?” He asked Justin whose response was “He’s playing somewhere.” Brian, always the sardonic jackass at the worse of times, made reference to the ring which adorned Justin’s finger and moved off. What Brian didn’t see were the tears that had slipped down Justin’s face after he left. But I did. It was then that Justin had confided in me that he’d gone to Harrisburg to surprise Ethan Gold- his boyfriend at the time- and ended up being the one surprised. Ethan had cheated on Justin, which was something that Brian had never done to him.

That was one of the many things people never understood about Brian and Justin’s relationship. I always found it funny that just because people become involved romantically, monogamy is automatically implied. Then when their partner falls off the wagon- so to speak- there are hard feelings and ill will between them. I always encourage my clients who are in my office because of infidelity that if they are going to give their relationship another try, to discuss their dealbreakers. Oft times, it’s a simple matter of expecting too much of the other person based on their own personal views and standards while never bothering to find out if the other person is even capable of meeting their expectations. That all important question of open-relationships versus monogamous ones could be answered after a simple conversation. Not everyone is capable of being monogamous, while not everyone will cheat either. After all, it’s not cheating if the partner knows about it.

But back to my clients, the Taylor-Kinneys… Much like Justin, I found it annoying in the extreme that their collective friends tended to examine Brian and Justin’s relationship as if under a microscope, while ignoring their own imperfect alliances. The female faction of the Liberty Avenue sect had more than their share of breakups at one time or another. First Mel physically cheated, but in all honesty, Lindsay cheated on Melanie emotionally for many years, in reference to Brian. Then to make matters worse, instead of owning up to her own affair with some artist of ill-repute, Lindsay threw the long-ago affair in Melanie’s face. But these paragons of partnership always had something negative to say about Brian and Justin’s choice not to confuse or equate sex with love. If anyone asked me, I would say the Taylor-Kinneys were the most solid of all the couples. They did what worked best for them at the time, especially considering their twelve year age difference. I’m sure that if anyone was to ask Justin if he felt like he’d missed out on life, he would answer ‘no.’ Brian gave Justin the opportunity to sample all kinds of men.

After the drinks arrive, I ask them, “Do you know why I chose this location?”

“No, but I’m sure you will tell us,” Justin says, and I’m reminded of how much they are really are alike.

“Funny. Brian said the same thing to me not two hours ago. The reason I did is because this is where your story together truly began.”

“Great. A story of near-death experiences, closet cases, and psychotics. The legend dreams are made of, and a wonderful journey that can certainly end now.” The sarcasm in Justin’s voice is not missed by Brian nor myself.

“But you remembered everything that happened before that, didn’t you?” He had, right after his sojourn to New York. I will never forget the panicked phone call I received in the middle of the night so long ago. The joy, the sadness, the need to be held by the one person he’d experienced it all with. “I wanted you both to remember the feeling of being here- together- before it all turned tragic.”

“Why?” Brian asks me.

I could tell he was lost in his own memories prior to his arrival here for Justin’s prom. He and I touched on his experiment with erotic asphyxiation and why he was so fascinated by the prospect then. I wonder if he ever told Justin about it, instead of it being a secretive shared memory with Michael Novotny. I wonder how many episodes like that are in Brian’s life… the ones that no one knows of except the best friend. I suspect that’s part of the reason Justin is so closed off again. Brian may love Justin, but whenever something big happens- something ground-breaking and possibly earth-shattering- he turns to Michael, who then uses it as a bat to bash Justin with. Why can’t Brian see that?

“Because if you have any hope of surviving this period in your relationship, it’s important to remember your first public declaration to be more than fuckbuddies. This is the place you need to get back to.” Finally they are both looking at me with a small glimmer of hope, and not a little bit of disbelief in their eyes.

“Fine. So what’s your plan on achieving this great feat?” Brian drawls, just before taking a sip of his drink. Justin remains still and quiet, listening attentively.

I take a deep breath, hoping that the treatment plan I’ve come up with doesn’t backfire on me. “I’ll tell you a little bit about what I’ve come up with, but I want your promise to keep open minds about this. Whereas some elements of your treatments will be the same as the others, I’m going to give you two an out. I ask that you not discuss this with any of your friends, even if they break protocol and tell you what they are doing in therapy or try to goad you into divulging things that are meant to be between the two of you alone. Do we have a deal?”

“It’s not a problem for me, but Brian…”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean Justin?”

“I think we all know what it means. But if you need clarification, here it is… your best fucking friend is in every piece of our business. Since I’m NOT the one who put him there, that leaves YOU!”

“Justin…” Brian begins, standing up. He’s immediately cut off by an infuriated Justin.

“No. NO Brian! You wanted to know what I meant and I’ve told you. There isn’t any room for a third person in this marriage; I didn’t sign up for polygamy. So if you can’t make the choice to be with me in a MARRIAGE, in a fucking relationship that doesn’t involve Michael, than there really isn’t anything left to talk about, is there?”

Fuck I have to stop this… again. What is it with these two? “Brian, don’t. Just sit down. Please?”

“He doesn’t get to dictate to me,” Brian says, as he retakes his seat.

“Doesn’t get to… as I’ve said earlier Alex, this is a complete waste of time. Brian gets to make the rules. Brian gets to make the decisions and tells me what he’s decided later. Brian is capable of understanding my feelings in everything except Michael, which I have to put up with or hit the bricks. Well you know what? No amount of putting up with Michael is worth me staying with Brian. Brian can go on and live in the box Michael has prepared for him, I refuse to. This is over!” Justin gets up, but is stopped by the large hand on his wrist that reached out.

“It’s not all about me and you know it!”

“You could have fucking fooled me! But you’re right. It’s not. It’s about the fact that I’m in a marriage with MYSELF while you’re in one with your best friend. I’m the fucking placeholder, and I’m tired of it. I refuse to live like Ben has for all these years. I value myself more than to continue to wait for you to finally choose me. So no Brian, you don’t need to make any choices, since I’ve already made one. Now it’s your turn to live with it.”

“Brian, Justin, can you both calm down? This isn’t what I had in mind, and I’m sure it’s not what you both want either,” I try to reason with them. I know both of them are hurting and they’re hellbent on hurting each other to make a point. Perhaps that’s why my idea will work with them.

“Fine Alex, speak your piece and then I’m out of here.” Justin sits back down, huffing and rolling his eyes.

It’s often easy to forget that underneath that pleasant, forever young-looking facade is a man with an iron will and steel-clad spine. He would needed to have both in order to deal with and keep enthralled the likes of Brian Kinney. But it apparently works both ways, for no matter how angry Justin is with Brian, the one thing I do know is that he loves him more than his next breath. It’s not about security or financial stability; it’s not about the familiar or an affinity just for the sake of having someone. No, this connection they share runs much deeper. It’s survived the bashing and bullying; charges of child molestation and cancer; the city of Angels and the Big Apple, emotional scars and physical healing wounds. There’s no doubt in my mind they could do it again, if they would only remember what the night of the prom really meant to them. Sure it was a symbol of the rite of passage most teenagers share, but for Brian and Justin it symbolized a beginning and an end of a different kind. Brian was ready for the promise Justin offered with his eyes from the moment they met. And Justin was ready to fulfill it.

“How are both of your schedules looking in terms of traveling for the next few months?”

“I’m scheduled to be in London but I can just as easily arrange a video conference. Why?” Justin asks.

“Cynthia and Ted are able to run Kinnetik as long as I’m available for meetings. But I don’t like to leave my business alone for too long,” Brian answers.

“What I have in mind will assure that you both can travel back and forth at will, although you will do so together. But I want to send you to a resort I know, one that caters to couples. If I can get the others to agree, I think it will do us all some good to be away from the Pitts while you work out your issues. There are too many distractions here.”

“Well if Michael is going, add one more to the reason that this has now become a waste of time and money.” Justin sneered.

I sigh. “Justin, will you trust me? I know that’s asking a lot right now, but have I ever steered you wrong? Have I ever deliberately misled you into believing something about yourself and the various situations we’ve spoken about that were not true or in your best interests?”

“No you haven’t. But Alex surely you see why…”

“I know why you have your doubts that this will work. But trust me when I tell you, I have a plan to make this work out.” They both scrutinize me, searching for something, although I’m not sure what. But whatever it was, I’m gratified when they both nod. “I need to ask this and I want an honest answer from you both. Do you want to fix what’s broken between you?”

“Yes.” Brian answers without hesitation. He looks over to Justin, and what we both see makes my heart break a little more for them.

“I want to say yes but…”

“But?”

“Let him finish Brian. Please?” I gently admonish the man sitting beside his husband, waiting on tenterhooks. I know the feeling of anxiousness that he feels, but he has to give Justin this chance to work what he wants out on his own. “Justin, do you want to fix this?”

“All I can do is promise that I will try Alex. Is that okay?”

I nod. And although Brian is disheartened, he does as well. Brian clears his throat, speaking directly to Justin. “That’s all I can ask of you Sunshine. I do love you, you have to know that. You do, don’t you?”

“Yes Brian, I know that. But the question is, is it enough this time? I honestly don’t know that it is.”

Before either of them can say any more, I interrupt. “That is the big question that only you two can answer. I’m not going to lie; it will be hard work, even though you will both be in a beautiful setting. My partner and I helped to design the place, so it’s somewhere that we stay frequently. Although your friends will be there, there is little to no possibility that you will see them. This time is for you, to evaluate your lives separately and together. I want you both to email me a list of business contacts.”

“Why?” Brian asks, warily.

“Because I promised you every advantage to setting this relationship to rights. Part of that promise is that I will take charge of your cell phones when we reach the island. Don’t worry. I will provide you with  another cell phone but except for business and contacting me, you will both be out of reach. As for you Brian, I already know to input Ted’s number into the phone since he is your CFO. Justin, don’t be alarmed by that bit of news. There isn’t any possible way that Michael will be able to get Brian’s temporary phone number while you are away. Also since I will have your cell phones, there is also no chance he will be able to video conference one of you either. You’re unaware of this Brian, but after you left this afternoon, Blake pointed out that you are like a drug to Michael.”

“WOW! Someone finally called that right!” Justin exclaimed. “I’ve only been saying that since the second year I’ve known you. I guess I can’t be the only one wrong this time.”

“Justin…” I sigh again. “You promised to try.”

“Sorry. It’s just…”

“I know. You feel vindicated but there is a saying ‘Be gracious in defeat, humble in your victory.’ I think I’ll add to it by saying, ‘and in all things be fair’. I think that applies here.” I smile to soften the rebuke.

“Great now I’m being scolded by a modern day Christopher Earle.” Justin rolls his eyes. “Fine, I’ll behave and refrain from speaking my thoughts aloud on the subject… for now.”

Brian snickers and I laugh outright. Justin really is incorrigible, but I suspect that’s what also makes him so well loved and admired. “You’ll have your chance to voice your thoughts in therapy when the time is right. But for now, we’ll make our plans. Whether the other counselors agree to have their couples go or not, you two will be going. I really think a change of scenery will do you both some good. So, that said, go home, take care of your business needs, and I will touch base with each of you tomorrow to give you your itineraries. And remember, this stays between the three of us.”

I watched them leave, each going their separate ways. I really hope this works. If nothing else, it will give them both a much needed vacation. Brian and Justin have always worked hard; they are overachievers by nature. But during the past few years, I’ve watched them work without taking time to enjoy themselves and each other. It still amazes me that they’ve been able to keep their marriage a secret this long from the nosiest bunch of people I have ever met. That is surely one of the things that must come out if they are going to succeed. If not, Michael will surely continue to try to break them up.

I listened, really listened to what Justin said, and I heard a few things. The first, is that Michael is involved and fixated entirely too much in their lives. The fact that he has his own relationship seems not to register at all. On the surface, it would seem that it’s simply because he wants Brian. Everyone knows the story of unrequited love where Michael Novotny is concerned. However, not everyone really knows the story of Brian and Justin. Of course, there are those of us who know a bit more than others, but there are still the ones who actually listen to Michael, which are more concerning. So, although the implication of Michael’s covert but still more than obvious hope that Brian will finally give him the intimate relationship he’s always craved is still alive, I think his hidden agenda runs so much more deeply than just that piece of insignificant news.

As I sit here, trying to figure out how to proceed, with or without my colleagues, I think about each of the other core men in question. It occurs to me that looking at this situation objectively will prove most useful in uncovering the key to how best to proceed with my clients. But when having to think about the Brian and Mikey Show, which has been a recurring nightmare for Justin and the other partners, I find it a bit difficult. But I have to try, because if I can’t then there is no way for me to get the two men, who have put their trust and faith in me, through this. There is always the possibility of failure, but maybe taking a look at the situation as a whole and then each of the men individually, will help.

Out of everyone, Brian was the first to be involved in an actual relationship, but Michael was the first one to get married. At least to everyone else's knowledge. But as a result, Michael became sanctimonious- a trait Ben displays unintentionally sometimes- and began to make pronouncements on what his friends should or should not do. For the longest time, the mere mention of Brian being in a relationship with Justin would send the man into a tailpin. While Michael laughed and joked, Justin looked on with indifference, to hide the hurt. It was what had led to the fiddler episodes of their lives and it seemed that Brian was willfully sabotaging them, making them doomed to repeat history again. We all knew that it wasn’t the tricking that bothered Justin, but the reason behind it. So when Brian suddenly stopped running from the idea of commitment and turned to Justin instead, everyone took notice. Sure Brian and Justin still tricked whenever the mood hit them, but they did it together, and no one noticed that more than Michael Novotny-Bruckner.

From that long-ago day to this one, every time it seems as if Brian or any of the others wants to take the permanent commitment step, Michael becomes even more clingy and territorial of his friends and outright malicious where his friends chosen partners are concerned. His disregard for Ben has become legendary on Liberty Avenue, causing confusion as to why an intelligent hunk is such a sucker for a pouting pansy with a mile-wide mean streak. Is it that he is willfully blind to his husband’s faults all in the name of love? Or is he a masochist who enjoys being tortured and humiliated by a man with the IQ of a pebble (their words not mine, although I tend to agree with the sentiment)? What makes Michael so special that people overlook his faults and why is he allowed to think more highly of himself than he should simply because he married Ben Bruckner? Personally, I think he uses his marriage, which is only legal in Canada, as a way to lord it over the others. He uses it to make himself feel that he is better than they are, because if the truth be told, Michael is really nothing more than a glorified househusband.

Ben is the primary breadwinner in the Novotny-Bruckner household. It’s his income which keeps Red Cape Comics operable. Any profit Michael may get into the store is used to buy more merchandise. Or more accurately, it’s used to add to his toy collection, which he would never sell for profit. The business is more like a constant indulgence in a hobby rather than the lucrative cash cow it could be. If Michael had taken the initiative, past Brian’s initial investment, to branch out into other media forms or taken the business and financial advice of his three friends, perhaps he could have really made something worthwhile of his store. But then that would be too much like being a self-sufficient adult, and from what I’ve heard, seen, and known of Michael Novotny, that is certainly not big on his agenda.  He would rather be taken care of rather than work hard and be satisfied with the results.

Michael is more than cash-poor; he’s a fucking money pit. I suspect that’s also one of the problems in the Novotny-Bruckner marriage. Yet if one would adhere to the old adage of ‘Birds of a feather, flock together,’ one would be led to believe that the people Michael surrounds himself with people who are also entitled and lazy. I’ve honestly never seen those particular faults with any of the other men- friend or partner- of this strange little group. It makes me question what kind of  hold the short brunet has on these men and if it is indeed breakable. Hell, it makes me wonder if Brian, Emmett, and Ted even want it broken at all. What binds them all together?

Emmett has always had charm, but he likes to hide his intelligence. Duke, who will be working with him and Drew, has also discerned this same thing. I think we all have, at least to some degree. I remember when I first met him. Talk about a flamboyant man whose flame had been extinguished… or more accurately, a flame he was afraid to let burn bright. It took him meeting one of my first patients after I graduated Med School, a man by the name Gerald Goldman, who was also the famous drag queen Godiva, for him to understand that he was special just as he is. From that moment to this one, I’ve watched Emmett burn bright and live with passion. A few times, he’d tried to disguise it…  Yes, I’ll never forget that dark ‘See the Light’ era of Em’s existence. If ever there was a time I wanted to inflict a ‘Deb’ on Em, it was then. He needed to be slapped full of sense! Thankfully though, he’d worked out his issues, whatever they were, and returned to the devil-may-care-but-I-don’t Emmett Honeycutt that we all knew and still love on the Avenue.

He began to realize what he was really great at, and discovered that cooking and clothing were his passions. Once Brian helped Em, by sowing financially into his dream of becoming a premiere party planner and occasional personal stylist to some wealthy notables, including Brian himself, Emmett worked his ass off to pay back the loan from Brian and make HoneyGrass Elegant Catering and Couture Creations into a much sought after business for all types of parties and high-profile weddings. I can’t help but compare it to Michael’s non-success with his comic store, since Brian had done the same thing for him.  In fact, Brian started the trend with Michael first, so the disparity in work ethic is more noticeable. It’s quite clear that Michael took advantage of his long-standing friendship with Brian whereas Emmett chose to honor it by proving that Brian’s faith in him wasn’t misplaced.

Ted Schmidt has always had a career as an accountant. I’ve watched him flourish under Brian Kinney’s tutelage. For many years, he lived under some misconception that he wasn’t good enough or that he was unlovable. Unfortunately that led to a foray into recreational drugs for a time. But once he sought help and got clean, he became a confident man while still maintaining the charm and humility he’s always had underneath that shyness. He now wears his success as if he was born to do so, instead of ashamed to have worked so hard for it. Michael could take several lessons from him, which has me once again questioning why they keep Michael around.

So where Ted and Emmett are successful in their own rights, Brian and Justin are self-made millionaires, but with their combined assets, they are billionaires. They are a unit and cannot be talked about in terms of individuality, although both of them are their own man. They are now in fact, a corporation, and have to be addressed as such. Between the two locations of Kinnetik, Justin’s art career which now commands five figures per painting and six figures for special commissions, investing in Real Estate under Jennifer Taylor’s tutelage, and resulting ownership of several high-end properties and Justin’s computer graphics and design business apart from Kinnetik, these two men want for nothing. Also, the consulting division of JTK Graphics and Design is called upon frequently by people in Hollywood who remember the talented artist’s work from the failed Rage movie.  

After Justin decided that working on the Rage comic was no longer in his best interest since he was dividing his time between the United States and Europe, he found a replacement for himself so that Michael could keep the comic going even without Justin drawing. Although Justin hired the man, he still kept creative control and the artist was paid a hefty sum in advance directly from Justin. So when a storyline killing JT and Ken off was written and drawn, Justin vetoed the idea of it going to publication. Michael was insistent and tried to involve Brian in negotiation. Since he owned two percent of the comic, Brian was only to be used in the event of a stalemate between Michael and Justin. Brian sided with Justin, stating that no one would buy the comic with two of the main characters killed off so that Zephyr and Rage could be together, especially since the beginning of the work established the relationship of Rage and JT, two fan favorites, with Zephyr and Ken running a close second.

So the public reason was that it was just bad business and intentional sabotage of Michael’s wish for a successful comic featuring openly gay characters. The private truth was it was too close to art imitating a real life wish Michael had stated on more than one occasion, especially in those times when Justin wouldn’t just blindly go along to appease Michael. Justin wouldn’t compromise his integrity or put his name on something he didn’t agree with just to avoid the infamous Novotny temper tantrum. So Michael often wished aloud that Justin had disappeared permanently from their lives, be it because of a situation like the fiddler, or through death. Although Brian had forgiven Michael on the occasions he had voiced such an opinion, it was never forgotten. Seeing it in print reinforced Brian’s belief that Michael had indeed meant the hate-spewed comments, even if he never told Justin why he’d punched Michael at a party several years before. Since an agreement could not be reached and Michael refused to redo the storyline, Rage has been on a permanent hiatus with no hope of ever restarting.

Michael, of course, accused Brian of thinking with his dickhead, instead of the one which runs many successful businesses alongside his husband. I find that funny, since Brian and Justin- individually and collectively- manage to make more money per year than Michael has in all the years Red Cape Comics has been in business. So the fact that Brian and Justin have entered a Legal Domestic Partnership is going to send him around the bend for more reasons than the obvious evidence that a dream deferred is now a dream DEAD. It’s going to be because Brian has officially taken the huge step with Justin without his knowledge or permission.   

I sigh again. It seems I’m doing more of that today than I have in my entire life. I reach for my cell phone, putting Barry, Duke, and Bernard on conference call. Part of me really hopes that they say ‘no’ to taking their couples to the resort. Contrary to my reassuring words to Justin, I too have my doubts that Michael will keep his distance. But this is about having a fair playing field. So regardless of my own misgivings in the matter, I have to at least offer the same chances for success to my colleagues, since I am the lead therapist in all this, per Melanie’s wishes. I still wonder what her agenda is in all of this, but I guess, like the rest, I’ll have to wait and see. I was just advised to “Fix them Wilder, at all costs” but given none of the other pertinent details of why this was so important to her.

An hour later, my phone conference is out of the way, with Duke saying he needed to call Melanie directly. Apparently, Blake is having some sort of family crisis and instead of taking Ted, he took Drew with him. Bernard is going to join him on the call. In the meantime, I’m going to have another drink and think about how important a baby- or lack thereof- is important to my own marriage. How can Barry and I help our clients if our own lives and relationship is in turmoil? Maybe the island will somehow work its magic with us too. It has before so there’s always hope. Looks like Brian and Justin aren’t the only ones with big decisions to make.

STAYING OR GOING CHAPTER 2

BRIAN:

I’m sitting here wondering if he’s reached home yet. I wanted him to come back here with me but I couldn’t ask it of him. He said that he would call to let me know he’d arrived safely. Justin’s a great driver, but the winding roads are dark and there is the ever-present wildlife in the country. Deer have no respect of person or car when trying to get away from whatever it is they run from. I can’t deny that I miss him though. This place just seems empty… cold without him here.

I go into the shower, readying myself for bed. I’ve already emailed Alex my list of contacts to put into the phone he’ll be giving us. I can’t lie to myself in saying that he’s come up with a brilliant idea. Somewhere deep within myself, I know that this is my last chance with Justin. I don’t know why, just that it is. I find it ironic that now, after all we’ve been through, this is our true ‘make-or-break’ time. When he came home from New York, I doubt either one of us thought we would be in this place of… I don’t exactly know what to call it, which is another telling thing. Me, a master of words, am suddenly at a loss for them.

Alighting from the shower, I dry myself off, feeling the exhaustion of the last two weeks weighing heavily upon me. It’s only nine-thirty and I feel as if I haven’t slept in the last year. Just as I’m about to make good use of my empty bed, the buzzer goes. My first inclination is to ignore it. No doubt it’s Mikey, wondering where the fuck I’ve been and why I didn’t answer my phone. There were several messages on my phone to that effect. I was tempted to call him back just to tell him that instead of wirelessly stalking me, he should be home trying to fix his ever-so-perfect existence with Ben, but I refused to do so. It would only fall on deaf ears anyway.

The buzzer rings again and I find myself throwing a tantrum worthy of a five-year old. I know I have to get up and answer the fucking door, since he’s fully capable of staying there all night, aggravating the hell out of me. He’s done it to me and Justin before; he’ll have no problem doing it again. Throwing on a pair of sweats, I make my way to the door just as it goes off again. I press the buzzer to allow entry and then I go over to the cart to pour myself a drink. I know I’ll need the liquid fortification to refrain from blowing my cool at his intrusive questions and incessant complaints. Why couldn’t he just take his ass home?

My back is to the door even though I hear it slide open. I sip my drink, needing to collect myself and my thoughts before I say things that could ruin a friendship that I have had for over half my life. So when arms, so familiar and welcome, enclose around my waist, I am more than a little surprised; I’m instantly awake and horny.

Turning around to make sure he wasn’t a figment of imagination, I inhale the fragrances of lemon verbena shampoo mixed with a touch of Tommy Bahama and the pheromones that are uniquely his. I would know that intoxicating aroma anywhere, anytime, deaf, dumb, and blind. It’s the scent of my Sunshine.

“What are you doing here?” I ask him, holding him close, trying to imprint him onto me. I fucking don’t want to let him go, for fear that he will vanish into thin air.

Instead of answering, he kisses me deeply. There was no way this was going to be gentle and I can’t say that I mind at all. I practically purred as he hastily divested me of my sweats. I needed to feel his alabaster skin against mine. He followed suit, barely releasing my lips to slip his shirt over his head. Moving me backwards toward the large plush sofa on the other side of the living room, he kisses me roughly and repeatedly, following me down after gently pushing me. I feel his tongue mapping every ridge, nook and cranny inside my mouth, my own doing the same to him. I couldn’t get enough of him. It feels like forever since we’ve done this type of kissing- exploratory and explosive. The soft moan he releases caresses my ears, taking me back to the first night we fucked.

Tearing his lips from mine, he blazes wet trail after wet trail down my body. As soon as I get used to one sensation, he either changes direction or concentrates on another area altogether. It’s something he’s always done, but it’s no less effective no matter how many time we’ve fucked. It also involves a liberty I’ve never granted anyone else with my body. Justin reaches under the cushion, gathering supplies that we always keep there. I hear the top on our favorite lube pop open, the anticipation of what’s possibly to come eating me alive. I pull him up to devour his lips once more before allowing him to move back down to my aching cock.

Wasting no time, Justin deepthroats me immediately, causing an involuntary gasp from me to rent the air in an otherwise silent atmosphere. I know the moment he starts preparing himself as he hums around my cock. I feel the sensation resonate in my balls and I have to take deep breaths to keep from cumming. I almost cream on myself when he doesn’t stop me from helping him to stretch his hole to accommodate my dick. I still marvel at how tight he is even though we are well into the quadruple digits by now. Justin allows no else the pleasure of his ass, and I can’t help but relish that fact. He’s beginning to moan louder now and I know it won’t be long until I’m fully engulfed in the all-consuming heat that is Justin Taylor-Kinney.

Laying me horizontally on the sofa, Justin straddles my hips, positioning himself over my eagerly awaiting cock. I bend my knees behind him, feeling as well as seeing the deep inhale and slow exhale as I push in and slide through the outer rim into the cavern of paradise that I know has been waiting for me. At first, I take it slow because no matter how anxious I am to hit bottom, I don’t want to hurt him. Fucking Justin is an event to be savored, and I intended to do just that, but Sir Impatience has other plans. As his bouncing increases, I feel him leaving stinging little bite marks around my neck. I groan and grunt my pleasure as he controls the depth I can move within him. No one can top from the bottom like Justin can. I can’t count how many times in the past I’ve called him a sadist because of his ability to keep me on the brink of cumming for hours with moves like the ones he’s performing while riding me.

I decide to assert a little of my own will by grabbing onto his shoulder, moving inside him in earnest. The feeling of him close around me, trying to keep me within him as long as he can, is causing paroxysms of pleasure to skip along every one of my nerve endings. The constant squeeze and release of his ass milking my cock causes me to move faster and harder until I’m hammering his prostate. I can tell he’s enjoying it, not only from the grunts and groans coming from him but because he’s thrown his head back, exposing his delectable neck. I feel my lips tingle with the desire to lick the salty tang of sweat from just beneath his Adam’s apple as he swallows convulsively to tamp down the screams I know are bubbling within him.

I change the angle of my thrust, relishing the gasped groan that escaped him just now. He’s been holding himself apart from me, using my body simply to get off. As a man used to being loved and adored by this man above me, I won’t let Justin remain detached. I can’t. I don’t want Justin hiding his pleasure from me; I don’t want him hiding anything from me. I hear the breath ‘whoosh’ out of him as I continue to angle my dick to nail his prostate. Finally, I hear him moan my name like a mantra, a curse, and a prayer and it’s driving me crazy with need and want of him. Nothing and no one has ever felt like Justin… and nothing and no one ever will.

My hand reached out to grasp his as I feel the first waves of the climactic contractions flowing in my gut. I feel the result rippling throughout his body. The exchange is flowing between us now where I can’t tell where my series of mini-orgasms leading to the big one are beginning and his are ending. I couldn’t help but speed up even as my hand tightens over his, making sure that he was with me, that he was focused solely on me, and that I was the one with him. I could feel him beginning that tumultuous slide into the cresting, the quickening within him coming in faster and flowing to me. As I jackhammered into him for the last time, I finally felt my own thunderous tribute leave my body to be caught by the thin layer of latex separating us. His spent cock continued to twitch and relieve itself even as I pulled him closer against me, using my legs to keep him from leaving.

Our lips connected in a kiss meant to soothe and calm, but in reality enflamed us again. It was always this way between us, no matter how much our lives were in shambles. I knew that although we were both willing, there was just no way we were going to make it to round two this soon. I wanted to take advantage of the situation and ask for the millionth time what is going wrong between us but…

BUZZ… BUZZZ, BUZZ, BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ……….

The fucking door going off once again kills the intimate cocoon Justin and I were beginning to create within our loft. The phone ringing didn’t help. But it was the voice coming across the airwaves that totally killed the mood.

“Brian, OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR! I know you’re in there. I’ll lean on this fucking buzzer all night if I have to. BRIIIIIAAAAAANNNNNNNN!!!!”

“Well I guess that’s my cue,” Justin speaks his first words since his arrival to me then rises off of me and begins to get dressed. The fucking buzzer continuing to intrude on the peace we could’ve had as well as the phone has me ready to commit murder and Justin won’t even look at me; just dons that fucking mask of indifference I’ve come to know so well. Justin has finished getting dressed and after grabbing his keys, cell phone and making his way to the door, he turns back. “Thanks for the memory.” Then he’s gone.

I’m gonna fucking kill Michael if he just cost me Justin.

IN OR OUT CHAPTER 2

MICHAEL

I can’t believe fucking Brian stood me up! He knew we had plans to spend the night helping him to forget all about that ignorant ass twink. He’d better have a good reason for leaving me there without my best friend since Ted and Emmett were so pathetic. All they could do was compare notes on their problems with Drew and the Druggie. Because of their complaints, I had no choice but to think about my own non-situation with Ben.

Ever since I gave him his space and took the guys with me on vacation, he’s changed. He’s always on me about what he expects of me; how I should act; how I should pay attention to him and leave my friends to their own relationships. Doesn’t he understand? They are my business, especially Brian. Other than Emmett, their partners are not what I want for them and Drew is only acceptable because he’s famous. I want us to be able to go out as couples, without it always ending with me being ignored. But perhaps it's even time to rethink that situation, too since it's obvious he doesn't like me, either.

That was the beauty of having partner-free week. My friends were focused on me for the first time in ages. It also helped that I held their phones hostage for a few days. I checked the messages and weeded out which ones were important like for business, but any that weren’t were erased and the guys were none the wiser. I would make sure to do it when the guys went to bed, even had a good laugh at some of the ones Justin and Blake left for Brian and Ted. But it worked out for the best since Brian, Ted and Emmett have no idea that the reason they didn’t hear from their supposed mates, was because I was making sure they wouldn’t. Oh, I’m sure it will come out during this mandatory therapy shit but by the time it does, I’m sure it won’t matter. The bottom line is I saved them from having to deal with the Twinks and the Tyrant, which Drew seems to become sometimes. Or at least he was today if his exit from the therapy session was any indication.

Another reason I want a set of new partners for my friends is that since it’s obvious that Brian isn’t going to give me what I still want and I’m stuck with Ben, I want to be included in their lives so I can show them what a real relationship is supposed to look like. Right now, I have nothing in common with my friends anymore since they are all able to travel whenever they feel like it. I feel like I barely see them anymore and they are excluding me more and more because of Ben’s teaching schedule and our finances. If they had partners with regular jobs like Ben has, then we can  plan to take vacations together. But more than that, it’s so obvious that when we do meet as ‘couples,’ Justin, Blake, and Drew barely tolerate me. I was here first, and it’s time for that shit to stop! But back to Ben and his latest little temper tantrum…

Justin’s influence on him is so telling! I always knew the little fucker was jealous of my relationship with Brian, but I refuse to let him ruin my relationship with my husband too. I keep waiting for Brian to get tired of him, or for him to leave and never come back. Why aren’t my prayers being answered? Every time it gets close to my demand for Justin to disappear being followed, the little asshole finds a way to resurface. First the prom, then the fiddler, L.A. and finally New York. I thought for sure he would stay gone! I’m so tired of him! He is fucking with everything I hold dear, especially my closeness with Brian.

Lately, Brian seems to rely on me less and less, and only because he is having some sort of problem with that destructive little twink. I keep telling Brian to move on before Justin gets the best of him by leaving, but will he listen to me? NO! I have to get Brian to open his eyes to what he could really have if he would kick the trick-that-won’t-stay-gone, out. I’ll find a way. But first, he owes me his time since I waited for him just about the entire night!

I finally hear the answering buzz for me to enter the building. I decide to use the stairs since I don’t feel like waiting for the elevator. I’m much too anxious to hear Brian’s reason for not showing up. When I arrive at the top landing, I don’t hesitate to move towards the open loft door. As I enter, the first thing that hits me is the aroma. It smells like sex, sweat, and coconut, something that is familiar to me but I’m not quite sure why.

I spot Brian sitting on the window seat in front of the huge bay window. God he looks amazing with his hair tousled like that. He looks freshly fucked, but there’s still a slight tension invading his shoulders. My hands itch to relieve it but there’s a more pressing matter. Like the matter of who the fuck just left!

“So you stood me up for a trick? That’s why you couldn’t show up to Woody’s? I don’t understand why not, since the whole fucking building is full of them. No, you had to leave me with Ted and Emmett complaining about their invisible partners. You owe me an explantation Brian and I’m not leaving until I get it.” I cross my arms and flounce down on his sofa. I glare at him but he doesn’t return it, his attention focused on the street below. Good, he should feel ashamed!

“Michael, get out. Go home to your husband. I don’t owe you shit!” Well that wasn’t the response I was expecting, but I’m determined not to give up.

“Brian…”

“No Michael, I mean it. Get out! GET THE FUCK OUT NOW!” He yells at me, but I’m determined to get what I’ve come here for.

“Brian, you can yell all you want. I’m not leaving,” I say as if talking to a child, which is what he is acting like right now.

Finally he looks at me. And I suddenly wish he hadn’t. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Brian so angry, but to have it directed at me… wait! What the fuck is he mad at me for? He continues to stare at me, his eyes seeming to bore into me as if trying to probe my brain. I don’t like this sudden feeling. It’s like I’m being looked at under a microscope and found lacking. This isn’t how this is supposed to go. Brian is in the wrong here. He should be feeling like this way, not me!

“I’m going to tell you once more Michael, and I want you to listen carefully. Are you listening?”

I automatically roll my eyes, a reflex I’ve developed over the years to this specific question. I already know he’s going to say something I don’t want to hear. I’ll just disregard it as I often do, but let him have his say anyway. I know he feels he must say whatever it is so I don my attentive expression while preparing to filter the words. “Yeah, what is it?”

I watch as he takes a deep breath before he speaks. “LEAVE NOW!”

He yells again and when he doesn’t say anything else, just simply points to the door, I wonder if that was it. I know there is usually a whole litany that follows the ‘Are you listening’ question. Where is it? As he continues to stand there as if he’s fighting himself from moving from that spot to where I remain seated, I realize that he is actually serious. I can’t even pretend that I didn’t hear the short-sentenced command he spewed. Why the fuck is Brian kicking me out? What the hell happened tonight?

“Brian,” I try again only to be silenced...AGAIN!

“Michael, I’m not going to tell you again. If I have to remove you, you won’t like how I do it. It’s a long way down the stairs, head first. Would you like to find that out personally? I’ll be all too happy to show you.”

Brian has never threatened me like this before. He can’t actually be serious, can he? He’s beginning to move towards me, as if to give action to his words. I jump up and run for the door. “We’ll talk tomorrow Brian, after you’re feeling better. I don’t know what happened tonight but I will be expecting to find out!”

I slam the loft door behind me, not giving him a chance to answer. I really don’t know what’s going on with him, but I’m sure it has to do with the no good fucking blond boy ass he can’t seem to let go of. But that’s no matter, because tomorrow Brian and I are going to have a serious talk about what Justin is doing to his sanity. Anytime a man threatens his best friend with bodily harm over a piece of ass, it’s time to remove it. And it will be my pleasure to FINALLY have Justin Taylor removed from all of our lives.

THE WIFE or THE MISTRESS: CHAPTER 2

TED

Blake has been gone since earlier this evening, and all I can think about are his last words to me. “Don’t call me, I’ll call you.” Somehow, I don’t think I’ll have a ringing phone anytime soon. I’m really worried about him. Emmett called to say that Drew is with him, but still… it’s not me. I still don’t know where they are or what they are doing. I know that I seemed to be defending Michael to Blake, but I was really just trying to keep the peace. Blake knows that Michael will continue to argue until you walk away from the fight. I just didn’t want that kind of thing to happen in a place where we are all supposed to be getting help. I’ve learned through the years that if you give Michael the last word, he’ll shut up while you save your sanity. Why can’t the rest of them understand that trying to correct Michael in any form only leads to banging your head against a brick wall. You end up with a headache having to endure his whine-fest, and high blood pressure from trying to refrain from punching him when fucked up shit flies out of his mouth. I didn’t want to have to bail Blake out of jail.

Why can’t Blake be more like Justin, who generally ignores Michael instead of responding to every little thing?  But then again, from what I’ve seen today, Justin may just be at the end of his rope too. Justin used to argue with Michael about everything or at least put Michael in his place and then just walk away, leaving Michael talking to himself. Could it be that Justin is throwing in the proverbial towel and Blake has decided to pick it up? I don’t know how to feel about that scenario since it puts me in the middle. I wonder if Brian has ever felt that way. Whereas I’m sure that Justin has never intentionally put him there, I can’t say the same about Michael. And I’m not sure that given the answer to that question that I will be able to choose what side to pick. It’s not that I don’t love Blake with all my heart; I do, it’s just that taking his side could kill many years of friendship in the process. Am I really ready to make that kind of decision?

I’ve had a lot of regrets in my life, and I seem to be racking up more of them by the minute with Blake. It’s not that I don’t love him; hell I wouldn’t have survived rehab without him. It’s just that I can’t seem to do or say the right things lately. Since we’ve gotten back together a few years ago, things would go great for a time. We would always be together outside of work, involved in each others lives- him hearing about Kinnetik, me hearing about his patients. We made it a point to be there for each other physically, emotionally, and mentally. Then we would hit some sort of communication wall where he would say or do something I would take the wrong way or vice versa.

At those times, I would find hanging out with my friends more of a comfort than coming home to the man I’m destined to love. Blake would throw himself into work, taking on extra cases to keep from being here. I remember accusing him of cheating on me before I found out that he was doing that. Michael had seen Blake out at a restaurant with another man when Blake had told me he was at work. It turns out that he was. The man Michael had seen Blake out with was another counselor, who, because of finding out his wife was pregnant as the result of a rape that happened months before, thought of picking up Crystal again to dull the pain. I felt like such an ass for listening to Michael rather than trusting in what Blake and I shared. But it’s difficult when your partner is so much younger and there are much better men out there who have no problem hitting on him in your presence. Although Brian and Justin have the age difference between them too, it’s not the same. I often questioned myself, thinking that maybe I was holding Blake back from finding a man as attractive as he is. I mean, I’m not all that debonair, I don’t pride myself on my looks the way Brian does. Although I know I dress better than I ever have, there’s nothing I can do about the way I look.

Michael used to tell me that I was a great guy but I was boring.  So now I wonder if I’m too boring for Blake to want to be with. Brian would just make fun of me for my low opinions of myself and then tell me to get the bullshit out my life and get back to being ‘good old reliable Ted.’ Ironically, I appreciated Brian’s view of me, because he still trusts me and turns to me as the CFO of the major corporation he started when I was fresh out of rehab. If being reliable is a trait that keeps me relevant in Brian’s world and thereby my own, then I can live with that. But in being reliable, I feel like I have somehow let Blake down in leaving the spontaneity out of our lives together. I wish I could offer excitement like men half my age, but it’s enough for me to just keep order in my life. Looking for excitement led me to becoming a Crystal Queen. But then… I liked the person who I was then. I didn’t have all of these self-doubts and questions about myself. I simply lived by the seat of my pants with no worries of what tomorrow would bring; I just didn’t give a fuck. It makes me angry that I can’t find a balance between the carefree man I want to be and the careless man I used to be.

Sadly, because I can’t voice these thoughts to Blake without him feeling as if he has to reassure me as he has countless times in the past, I sit with them and live with them, breathing them in. I feel like they are suffocating me, and it makes the urge to use that much more strong. It’s what made going on Michael’s partner-free week a necessary evil for me. I had seen Darius aka Dr. Crystal with a new bunch of guys and he winked at me. It was my rehab entry anniversary, a day that I will never forget as long as I live. You don’t wake up from that kind of high, only to find yourself on tv being gangbanged; you don’t forget the day you officially hit rock bottom. So yes, I knew what that wink meant, had always known since my first time trying the enticing white substance. It meant freedom from my inhibitions and bondage to them just the same. That wink also told me that he remembered the incident that drove me to rehab in the first place. Once an addict - always an addict, is not a myth, but the reality of a person who fights addiction every moment of everyday. So I throw myself into work- my new addiction- so that I don’t have time for the old one. I just hope that Blake doesn’t leave me because… well that would be the catalyst. I just wouldn’t give a fuck anymore.      

FIRE AND ICE CHAPTER 2:

EMMETT

The phone rings and I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to hear that sound. The silence when I walked in the door a few hours ago has slowly been driving me insane. I don’t think I’ve ever been more tempted to smash a clock for daring to tick amid this agonizing silence. At least if Drew was here, our arguing would make it less noticeable. Without him here though, all of the underlying inner-workings of our home- the noises we rarely pay attention to so long as they work- are as loud as our voices should be.

“Hello.” I answer without looking at the caller ID. I should have.

“Em, it’s Michael. You won’t believe the way Brian just treated me… his best friend!”

Not that I’m not always up for a bit of juicy gossip. I used to live for it, especially after I’ve been out of the loop because of work. But tonight I just don’t have the energy for the latest episode of the Brian and Mikey marathon. “Look Michael, now is really not a good time…”

“Not a good time?! What the hell do you mean, ‘it’s not a good time?’ I called you…”

“Michael…”

“...because I need your support and you’re telling me…”

“Michael…”

"...that Drew is more important. I can’t believe you’re ditching me to…”

“MICHAEL!! Solve your own fucking problems with Brian or Ben or whoever-the-fuck! I’m NOT in the mood to listen!”

Ordinarily, I wouldn’t have talked to him like that, but Drew is somewhere with Blake and I don’t know why or if they have gotten wherever they are safely. Fucking hell! I don’t even know when he’ll be back… or if! So Michael’s tantrum about supposedly being mistreated by Brian is not high on my priority list of things to do right now.

“Well FUCK YOU EMMETT!! I don’t need you! I only wanted you to listen. Ted’s not answering his phone either. What the fuck is going on tonight?!”

“Well I don’t know. Why not go complain to your husband about your best friend. I’m sure Ben would be a lot more sympathetic to your plight than I will. After all he’s put up with it for years. So on that note, good night Michael!”

I hang up the phone, knowing that if given half a chance he’ll respond and as I’ve already told him, I’m not in the mood to listen as he laments the lost glory days of our youth. The phone rings again and I am so tempted to chuck it out the fucking window! Wasn’t I just complaining about the silence? Now all I wish for is to have it back if it means that Michael will go home and talk to Ben.

I pick the offending object up, hoping that it’s not Michael or work calling. So I am surprised when I see a name that I haven’t seen for a very long time although I’ve heard from the person recently.

“Mel? Is that you?”

“Yeah Em, it’s me. Who else were you expecting?”

“Honestly I was just hoping you weren’t Michael calling back.”

“Ah, so let me guess… he must be in ‘Mickey Mouse’ mode, with his voice pitched so high, dogs in Canada are howling in response.”

“You got it Tootsie!” She laughs. God it’s so great to hear that throaty laugh she has. It feels like forever since we have.

Ever since the child died and then Lindsay left her for Harrison, it seems like Mel has had little or nothing to laugh about. The death of their son, who lived only a few short hours after being born, was the reason the girls had left Pittsburgh. Lindsay said it was too hard to be in the place of her greatest pain. So Mel gave up her partnership in the law firm she’d been in since graduating law school and moved them to Canada. It hit Brian especially hard, since not only did he lose his son but also one of his best friends. I think that was one of the reasons Brian and Justin had such a hard time in the beginning. They met on the same night, so it stands to reason that all these years later, Brian still equates meeting Justin with losing his son. Lindsay’s moving away magnified just how alone he really must have felt.

But Baby hung in there with Brian, finding ways to try to heal him, even while Michael tried to make light of the situation and encouraged Brian to resume his life as normal. I will never forget how, after a little more than a year had passed, Michael jokingly told Brian that he dodged the bullet of having to pay child support or having full custody of Gus since the lesbians were splitting up. It was meant to make Brian feel better, but only served to send Brian into a tailspin for awhile. It took Justin leaving and Brian almost losing everything for him to snap out of it and refocus his life goals, which included the start of Kinnetik. So at least something good came out of something so tragic.

As for Mel and Lindsay, well Lindsay became desperate to have another child. When she asked Brian to donate again and he refused, much to Mel’s relief, Lindsay began to sleep with other men. Mel ignored the affairs for awhile, deciding that if she didn’t see it than it couldn’t exist. And it worked fine until Lindsay got pregnant by her last affair. A man named Harrison. Mel sat down and had a meeting with both of them and asked what they wanted. Lindsay wanted to raise her child with Harrison but still wanted a relationship with Melanie. She loved them both and couldn’t choose between them. Harrison, on the other hand, wanted Lindsay. So Mel decided that they should be happy together. She started separating her life from Lindsay’s that same afternoon.

Lindsay didn’t take Mel’s simple dismissal well at all. She created all sorts of little dramas leading to a massive argument in the middle of Mel’s former practice in the Great White North. After being fired, Mel decided to return to Pittsburgh. It took quite a few years for Lindsay to see that Mel was trying to give her what she wanted and not simply acting in viciousness. When Lindsay loss that child plus three additional children, Mel lent her support- or tried to- but only from afar. And although Harrison still talks to Mel sometimes, it was only within the last two years that Lindsay and Melanie developed a tentative friendship.

“So you’re probably wondering why I’m calling you.”

“Yes I am. It’s not that I don’t love to hear from you, but considering how we came to be in front of you…”

“I know Em, I know. It was a shock for me as well. I mean how in the hell did an all out brawl start and result in all of you getting arrested, right? Well here’s what you don’t know and I swear if you tell anyone, including Drew I will deny it at first. I want to tell you all myself when the time is right. But I know you’re able to keep a secret when your life depends on it...”

“You have my word not to tell anyone,” I promise her. She’s right. When it counts I am the Keeper of Secrets among the group, only surpassed by Brian and Justin.

“I was there when you all began to argue. I heard everything, all of the accusations of your partners and each other. I watched helplessly, as men I’ve known for most of my life became as rabid dogs in an effort to just be right. I also saw the satisfaction on Michael’s face as one by one, the arguments started to become more violent. I also happen to know more about the truth of the matter and the real reasons behind your partner-free week.”

“What is the truth?”

“I think I will let each of you find that out for yourselves, but suffice it to say, all is not as it seems. When the brawl broke out in the bar, I made sure that you eight would appear before me. I called in a few favors and hand-selected each of your therapists. Clear your schedule for the next few months Emmett. Hand over the reigns to Darrin, because you and Drew are going to take that long-awaited, much-needed vacation. It won’t be all fun and games. Your therapist is going with you. The rest will be told to you when you and Drew are on the island. In the meantime, I’m going to advise you to use your time there wisely. It’s a very healing place but it can also make or break a relationship.”

“Wait. How do you know all this?”

“I am on the board there and am one of the founders of the place. I’m going to let you in on a little secret about how that came to be. After Lindsay and I split up, I thought that if we could just have gotten out of the Pitts sooner and worked out our issues, we would still be together. I know differently now, but it was still the thought. When I moved back, a friend of mine, Leda- remember her? Well, she has a friend who went through something similar to what Lindsay and I did. They decided to take a month long vacation to see if what they had was indeed worth saving. It turns out that they did. It took them getting out of their environments, the area where there are enforced rules due to expectations of family and friends, to see if they could make it. You have to like the person you’re with Emmett, not just love them. Spending time away from the distraction and escape that is Liberty Avenue, will give you all time to see if you still like each other.”

“And if we don’t?”

“Then you will never have to say you didn’t give it every effort. You will never have to look back and wonder if you gave up too soon or just stayed in a bad relationship just for the sake of having someone. You will never live my life, Em. I don’t want that for you all. It sucks to have to question yourself and your judgement; it sucks to have to acknowledge that you were willfully blind to the deal breakers in your relationship. I want you guys to be happy, even if that means you can’t be happy together. But at least you’ll know.”

After another half an hour of talking, I decided to follow Melanie’s edict. I thought about the questions plaguing me while I was away and since I came back. One answer kept coming on the tail end of the questions once again on running loop inside my head. At least I’ll know.

BEFORE I LET GO: CHAPTER 3

BARRY

I just got off the phone with Ben. After hearing the plan Alex came up with, and even though he was beyond skeptical that this would work, he agreed that he and Michael should take the opportunity to get out of Pittsburgh while undergoing marriage counseling. Although Debbie, Michael’s mother, has been supportive of the marriage, it has never stopped her from butting in where she’s not wanted nor needed. According to Ben, since their very public confrontation, the woman has been asking everyone what the problems in all the relationships were. Based on that, we both agreed that it was only a matter of time before Debbie showed up at their door to defend Michael and discount Ben’s feelings. It’s not that she’s a bad mother; she just has an unrealistic view of her ‘baby’. In Deb’s eyes, Michael is a misunderstood man who is caring and only wants the best for those around him. And that he can only be that way if everyone includes him in every aspect of their lives.

The funny thing is that he is just like her in many aspects. She cares to the pointing  of smothering. Michael cares to the point of suppressing. Neither of them allow for the people they consider ‘family’ to branch out, make their own decisions, and live with the consequences. If the outcome isn’t favorable, they take ‘I told you so’ to another level. They delight in projecting thoughts like ‘Well if you had listened to me…’ and ‘You should’ve done it the way I said…’ What I would like to know is who died and made them God of all they survey? Until the last few years, Debbie hadn’t even had a close relationship outside of Michael and her deceased brother, Vic. So how would she really know what it takes to make a relationship- a marriage- work since that wasn’t on her list of accomplished goals until very recently? Deb will forcibly tell you her opinion, whereas Michael whines his audience into submission until it’s just easier to agree with him for both physical relief and quiet and peace of mind. Both of them are emotional bullies, but whereas Debbie Novotny might not realize it, Michael certainly does.

I ended the call, and grabbing a drink of my own, moved out to the balcony of our uu to think about my own situation with Alex. The conversation with Ben in reference to the nosy Novotnys has me rethinking the wisdom of becoming a parent. If Debbie’s child-rearing skills- or lack thereof- is anything to go by, it is very easy to cross the line between doing what’s right by a child and solving things for them to the point where they don’t learn coping skills. Basically put, it’s easy to fuck up another human being and call it love. Do I really want that type of responsibility? Alex has said quite plainly that he doesn’t. He loves our life together the way it is. We work when we have to, we fuck, and fight without reservation and without the worry that little ears will hear and think they’re the cause of it. After his work with Justin Taylor, I can honestly say I see his point to a certain extent.

Craig Taylor had, on more than one occasion, placed the dissolution of his marriage on Justin’s shoulders. Of course that is bullshit; no kid has the power to break up a marriage. But it affected the young man to the point where he systematically destroyed his own in guilt. Many don’t know that Craig’s opinion of Justin played a key role in how the young man perceived himself and his relationship with Brian at the time. If your own parent instills the thought that you’re toxic, on top of your lover’s best friend reinforcing the same thought, then it must be true, right? I remember Alex coming home so angry at how that young man was treated by his father after almost losing his life. And although his mother was trying to find her way in the dark when dealing with Justin, she at least was trying. His father had simply written him off, until Justin would bow down and live the life that Craig Taylor mandated. Alex had declared that this was part of the reason he’d never wanted children. He never wanted to put that kind of pressure on someone he was genetically tied to; never wanted his opinion of his offspring’s life choices to become a bone of contention. In short, he never wanted to become his own father.

At the time, I could understand the anger. Alex’s father was a true bastard, who ruled not only his home with an iron fist, but the business world as well. When Alex had gone to him to tell him that he wanted to be a Psychiatrist, instead of the head of a multi-billion dollar corporation, his father had beaten him black and blue and told him that as long as there was breath in the body that linked Alex to him, Alex would do what he was told to do. Alex had tried to sever that tie… permanently. He jumped in his car and wrapped it around a tree that night in an effort to get away from his father, knowing that there would be no place on earth he could run and hide. Thankfully, it only resulted in Alex being put in a medically-induced coma for ten days while his punctured lung was repaired and twenty broken bones were reset.

During that time, Alex’s mother handed his father divorce papers, which caused the old man to have a heart attack. He passed shortly after the coma was lifted. I know that it still haunts Alex that he wasn’t able to make peace at some point with his father, although he’s worked through it long before now. So that was why Justin’s situation with Craig Taylor touched him so deeply. Brian’s father may have hated Brian, but Brian had known that from the time he was little. Alex and Justin had ‘proud’ fathers until they decided to carve their own paths through life. Regardless of the situation, it always resulted in the same thing… emotional abuse. And as a result, I’m sitting here trying to figure out if my desire to have a child is about to ruin the best relationship I’ve ever had in my life.

I was startled when the object of my deep thoughts came out onto the balcony and took the seat next to me. I hadn’t heard him come in. Taking a long look at him, I knew that his meeting with the Taylor-Kinneys had drained him emotionally, but there was something else in his eyes. It looked strangely like hope.

“So are the Novotny-Bruckners going to the island?”

I cleared my throat before I answered him. “Ben said they were. He’s worried that if Michael has an ally, he won’t face the problems plaguing their marriage.”

Alex chuckled. “Yeah, Debbie is just as blind as her son when it comes to his wrongdoings. I think Ben knows that if he has any hope of seeing what Michael really thinks and feels about him, it’s best done away from Pittsburgh and the smothering distraction of his mother-in-law.”

“I’m still not convinced that this strategy will work. Michael is… Quite frankly, Michael is a special kind of pest, with the attention span of a gnat unless it has to do with his friends and their lives. How are you going to keep Michael from reaching out to the other couples?”

“If by the other couples you’re talking specifically about Brian and Justin, you don’t have to worry about it. We’ve devised a plan to make sure that Michael is cut off from communicating with them by the usual means. Also, remember how the island is set up. Each area is like a resort in itself, with the main building in the middle. Even if somehow he’s able to walk the grounds, each villa is so widespread away from the main building that he would never find them. Same for the others.”

I relaxed a little at his reminder of how Seascape is set up. I remember the first time we toured the island, trying to find the perfect location for our luxury couples only resort. I swear I could feel a change in the air the minute I stepped on the grounds. It was as if it was just waiting for us to find it. The atmosphere there is peaceful, and although it’s a place for couples to reconnect, many just love to visit there for vacation. The villas though, are reserved for our clients with very specific needs. Those are the ones with the tremendous decision of staying together or living separate lives on their top priority list. The villas allow the couple to talk, fuss, fight, and fuck without the rest of the resort being able to hear what’s being done or said. There are six of them on the island. Perhaps Alex and I should have one of the remaining two.

As if he heard me, he said, “No Barry. We don’t need a villa. We’ll figure out what we need to while we’re there, but it won’t be to the extent that these others need the villas. But we will take advantage of the island itself.”

I smiled, happy in the knowledge that we haven’t gotten so bad that we require being secluded from the main resort on the island. It means that pass or fail, we’re still talking, not fighting. There’s still hope for us to resolve this in a manner that will leave us together, for better or worse. And that means everything to me right now. Standing up, I extend my hand downward in an invitation for him to join me.

“Come on, Love. Let’s go to bed.”

“To sleep?”

I chuckle at the innocent sounding question when I know it was anything but. “Afterwards.” And I outright laugh at the speed in which he ran into the house.

STAYING OR GOING CHAPTER 3

 JUSTIN

Somehow I just knew that Michael would show up. Perhaps it was because the post-coital bliss was settling in on Brian and I, or perhaps it was because he has some kind of homing device on Brian to know when he’s been fucking. The funny thing is that even as I was exiting the elevator, I could hear Michael’s disparaging comments about me. Even though he didn’t know it was me who had just left his own husband, Michael still found a way to discount what had just happened. I didn’t stay to hear the rest; I didn’t need to. Brian would apologize and all would be right in wittle Mikey’s world again. Would that something would be right in my own…

I decided to come to Woody’s instead of making the long trip back to West Virginia tonight. I’ll probably stay in the company suite at the Fairmount and make an early start back in the morning. Fortunately, I had my laptop with me since earlier today. I have no idea why I’d brought it with me, knowing that I was going to the Penn tonight to meet with Alex and Brian, but I’m glad now that I did. I wish that I’d had the forethought to bring it into the hotel with me. Maybe it would have kept me calm, and from saying all that I did. It would have been a welcome distraction. But ah, I don’t know… maybe I needed to say all that after all. Maybe I needed to let Brian see that he’s hurt me, that he can still hurt me with what he says, and what always seems to be left unsaid. Who knows… with the violence I actually felt in that place and time, I probably would have thrown my computer at his head, all in an effort for him to feel my pain- to really hear me for a change. But what would that really have accomplished? No, it was better that there was nothing else for me to focus on. Which brings me to thoughts about this upcoming trip...

What does Alex really hope for Brian and I to accomplish by being on some island out in the middle of nowhere? Admittedly, it’s been a long time since he and I have taken a vacation. There was always work between us, so that was fine. But it was when work was slow that the problems and interference would really start. It’s easy to blame Michael- I mean, shit he’s always there- but the non-communication between Brian and myself didn’t help matters either. I’ve been trying to tell him about the Mayweather offer for over two months now. The job is in London and I would be gone for the better part of ten months to a year. Even though I know that Everett Mayweather has some other ulterior motive in mind from his request that I complete the job there, I still want to take it. It could take the graphics part of the business to the next level since it’s going to be a movie done strictly in CGI technology. The work is to begin in another six weeks and I had hoped that my husband would either join me or that we could set some kind of regular visiting schedule. But with the way things are going between us, I’ll be lucky if we want to see each other at all.

I’ve heard the innuendos Michael has been putting into Brian’s ear every chance he gets. I used to defend myself against his accusations, resulting in loud arguments with Michael, then louder ones with Brian in defense of his best friend. It has only been in the last two years that I haven’t bothered to defend myself anymore, opting for peace while thinking that if Brian thinks so little of me, then why did we get married? Those thoughts are the ones that hurt the most… the ones where I am now questioning why Brian and I made this forever kind of commitment, when it’s so obvious he no longer has faith in me to keep my word. Part of me really hopes that this trip will sort out what’s wrong between us, but the other part of me thinks I should just go to London and forget about it.

Brian and I aren’t monogamous, so it’s not a question of sex with someone else. Tricking was never the issue; just the intentions and reasons behind it. No, it’s a matter of what do I lose by staying and what I can gain by going. Am I going to waste away, an unwanted, unimportant extension of Brian, or will I have to be away from him to become my own man again? That’s really what my sojourns to Los Angeles and New York were about. Brian and I knew that business had little or nothing to do with me going; it was for personal growth, not just professional experience. But this is different.

All I know is that I can’t go on the way I’ve been going anymore. We can’t exist like this anymore. Although we share space and our bodies, it seems that it’s all there is to us and it fucking sucks. Everything that made us who we were together- our conversations, our freedom, our honesty, our ability to not judge each other, our life we’ve built together- is crumbling. And we have no definitive way to stop it. It feels like I’m standing on the sidelines watching it happen; paralyzed from the horror, but unable to decide whether to run, hide or go down with this potentially sinking ship. I need my life back, but is it going to be with Brian or without him? I need the answer to that question and I guess that’s the real reason I’ve opted to go on this trip.

“Mind if I join you?”

I look up at the sound of the familiar voice, just as I’m compiling the list of contacts for Alex. “No Ben, I don’t mind. But it’s only because I’m curious as to why you aren’t at home. Don’t you have a full schedule tomorrow?” I look at the time in the corner of the screen, noting that it’s nearing eleven at night. Ben is usually asleep by now. The meds he takes at night make him loopy and drowsy, so he’s usually out like a light by 10:30.

“I was supposed to have one, but after Barry called, I found some others to cover for me. Thankfully it’s finals, so after this week, I would have either decided to work the summer sessions or taken the summer off. Barry’s call kinda took the decision out of my hands.”

“Oh?” Okay, so I won’t deny being curious. I know that Barry is his and Michael’s relationship counselor. I also know that Alex said he would put the offer out there for the other couples to go to the island while Brian and I are there. I really hope that Ben said no… I mean hey, a Sucker-free Summer without my self-appointed archenemy sounds divine. But all dogs don’t go to Heaven and apparently I will never get what I envisioned as a peaceful summer.

“Yes. He suggested that the time away from Pittsburgh would do Michael and I some good. There are too many distractions and places Michael can hide to apply his avoidance techniques. On the island, we’ll be surrounded by too much water for him to drink, let alone swim in. So he won’t be able to get out of making some tough decisions about us and our marriage.”

“I see.” And I did; I just don’t have to like it. I take a deep breath before speaking again. “Well I guess you should know that Brian and I will be on the island too.”

“Fucking hell, that sucks!”

“My sentiments exactly, only they are in reference to you and Michael.”

“I can still call and cancel,” he tells me, pulling out his cellphone. I stay his hand.

“No Ben, just no. First, you need this trip as well as I do. For better or worse, you will find out whether you still want to be married to Michael or not. You can’t do that here with Deb lurking and Michael having a direct line to the Ma-nothing’s-going-my-way-again hotline. We both know that as much as we love Deb, she’s unable to see how much shit Michael causes. Being here would be just asking for her to come down on you like a ton of bricks simply because Michael isn’t happy. As for the second reason not to worry… We will all be on separate parts of the island. From what I understand, the places where we’ll be staying has villas on all four corners of the island and are not within walking distance of each other. I think if we do see each other, it will be far less frequently than we see each other now.”

“That’s how Barry explained it to me as well.”

“So you see… no need to worry about the Brian and Mikey Show - Island Paradise Edition. If all goes well, it won’t be on repeat once we come back to the Pitts either.”

“I don’t want you to think hard of me for saying this, but thank God. I swear it’s like Michael has Adult ADHD where Brian is concerned. We could be in the middle of something and WHAM his thoughts turn to…”

“Brian. I know. I go through something similar but for different reasons. I’m going to say this, not only because it’s true, but because you are my friend. I need someone to tell and you need to know that he’s doing this. Michael has been trying to convince Brian that I’m going to leave him again. I am running out of ways to reassure him. It seems that every single time we have an ease, or Brian chooses to believe me, Michael turns up and then the doubts start again.” I have tried any number of ways to get this through to Brian, without success. So part of me is hoping that I can get Ben to put a leash on Michael in regards to this too. Again, I’m back to the question of why Brian and I got married if he still has doubts about my commitment, both to him and to us.

Ben nods his head. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the same thing from Michael, even as recently as this afternoon after you left. I told him that if he spent half as much time on our relationship, we wouldn’t have been sitting in court-ordered therapy. I guess his ears are still not working. Well, I’ve given him an ultimatum, one that he needs to take very seriously.”

IN AND OUT CHAPTER 3

BEN

When Barry called me tonight, I was almost expecting him to tell me to run for the hills because there was just no way to save my marriage. I was just about at that the place where I’m about to concede the point. I mean, after all, instead of being with me after I stormed out of the conference room earlier, Michael went to hang out at Woody’s with his friends. Don’t get me wrong… the guys are my friends too, but they are also his enablers.

I knew coming into this relationship that Michael had a problem with two things: letting go of Brian and change. It seems that lately- or should I say for the past few years- one has become synonymous with the other. Brian has changed in many ways, except one. He’s still the most important of Michael’s collectibles. I know that’s a strange way to describe the Brian and Mikey Show, but it’s the most apt description. Brian tends to use Michael as an escape, but Michael uses Brian as his crutch, which only happens when he feels the man stepping out of the box that Michael has placed him in. Brian is an inordinately extraordinary man, so I can't understand why he constantly lets himself be fit into Michael’s mold of who he is. I want to tell him so badly to stop. But if there is one thing I’ve learned in all the years of getting to know the man, beyond our first encounter at a White Party several years before becoming husband to his best friend, is that no one tells Brian Kinney to do anything… except maybe Justin.

Which brings me to question what the issue really is between them. Justin was on this scene longer than I have been. According to Michael, the young man was a one-night stand turned stalker; just a piece of blond boy ass who Brian keeps around for convenience when he’s too busy to trick. That may have been true at one time, prior to me meeting Michael, but I know there is more to that relationship. Whether Brian calls it such or not, it is and it exceeds past Michael’s basic explanation or understanding of it. I found that out last week during Partner-free week.

Justin was sitting in the Diner, laptop open and conducting business on his phone. It was a quiet atmosphere despite being full of people. I found it strange, because honestly, Liberty Diner is probably the least quiet place on earth. But as I looked around, I was surprised to find that the patrons were actually being respectful of the blond man in the back booth. It wasn’t because of anything Justin may have done or said, wasn’t done out of any overt nosiness, but because Justin- the man- commanded it without so much as a word. I had to really think about that, since when I’d first met him, he was a waiter in the place. He doesn’t even look like he shouldn’t still be one. His eternal look of youth belies his true age and his ability to juggle several business accounts, including those of Kinnetik, without so much as batting an eyelash. It was in his tone and the set of his shoulders as he issued orders over the phone to Cynthia regarding an account Brian had just landed. It occurred to me then, that this was the Justin Taylor that Michael was unable to see. In a way, he was as incognito as Brian, living under a spotlight and in a box Michael had specially crafted him to be in. It was eye-opening and humbling to witness.

That day, he and I struck up an actual friendship, beyond the superficial one that I seemed to have with the core group. Blake and Drew joined us. We spoke about any and everything from our partners to politics; from education to sports. Drew and I were mainly vocal there, but I never felt like I had to be the parent or older brother amongst them. I was just plain Benjamin James Bruckner and I was just fine with that. I also found out what Michael had done to Justin, before and after the bashing. I wondered how he survived it all. He even explained his ‘Ethan episode’ as he calls it, to me in such a way where all of us understood where he was coming from. I had to admit to myself then that I am mentally in the same place as Justin was during that time… the place where you feel more like a hinderance than a help; more like an extension than an individual; more like the arm candy with no substance. It wasn’t an enviable place then and it certainly isn’t now, not for any of us. So in essence, Club Michael had to be destroyed, but none of us knew how to do that. It isn’t that we don’t want them to be friends anymore. We all understand that as far as friendships go, they each have a certain functionality together. But it is only fair and logical to want our partners to put us first- me and Justin most of all. My husband has an agenda to see that it never happens, and I really can’t identify what it is. All I know is that I am getting sick and tired of it and refuse to become a collectible, as the rest of them have.

So when Barry called with the opportunity to go away for a while to work out our problems in relative privacy, I jumped at the chance, hoping that for once Michael would put us first, instead of his wants and needs.

“So what was the ultimatum?” Justin asks, bringing me back to the present.

“That we either take this trip to a resort called Seascape or he and I are history. My things are already in the car. I’m just waiting for Barry to make the arrangements. In the meantime, I’m staying in a hotel. I just can’t be in that house with Michael right now.”

“I completely understand, since it’s the same reason I’m not at the loft with Brian. Incidentally, I had just left there when Michael showed up. He wasn’t aware of it, although I heard everything he had to say about ‘the trick who Brian had stood him up for’.”

“So that explains it…”

“What?”

“Why Michael came home pissed and grumbling about friends who forget everything he’s done for them.” At Justin’s confused look, I continue to explain. “Michael had come in the house, arguing with Emmett about Drew being more important than him. I still have no idea what happened exactly, only that Emmett hung up on him. Same with Ted, except that Ted didn’t answer at all. When he turned to me, asking if I believed they did that, I simply shrugged and confirmed that I did.”

“I can’t believe it myself. How are you believing it?”

“Because from the little I gathered, Brian told Michael that if he costs him you, Brian would kill him. Of course, Michael threw a screeching sissy fit about how Brian was letting the trick come between them once again. I guess no one wanted to hear that description of you and wouldn’t let Michael voice his opinion, so they hung up before he could. Believe me, if I could have unheard it I would have.”

“Fuck! He just won’t quit, will he?”

“No, he probably won’t Justin. And I’m so sorry to have to tell you that.”

“It doesn’t matter. I stopped listening to Michael’s opinion of me long ago. Right now, I have other matters that takes precedence over what someone so insignificant to my marriage really thinks.” Justin says absently and I don’t think he realizes just what he said. I’m happy to help him out.

“Marriage? As in you and Brian are…”

“Fuck!” He hangs his head. Seeming to make a decision, he looks me in the eyes. “Alright Ben, here’s the truth, hidden though it may be. I only ask that you respect our privacy and not tell anyone, especially your husband.” At my nod, he continues. “Brian and I have been married for the last three- almost four years- since… well even before that really, since we signed papers just after Stockwell and I went to L.A.”

There was a slight hesitation but I’m not sure why. It was almost as if he was trying to stop himself from saying something else. I respect Justin’s privacy, so I don’t ask. But I do want to know what they were thinking these past years. “Why keep it from everyone? It could have stopped this mess with Michael.”

Justin laughed but there was no humor in it. In fact, it was laced with hurt and bitterness. Instantly my heart broke for him yet again. “I hate to tell you this, but it wouldn’t have stopped Michael; just made him worse. You don’t understand. Everything Michael has done and has been doing, even today’s bullshit in the conference room, was to see that Brian, Ted, and Emmett never take the step that you and he have taken. I don’t know why exactly, but his motives in discouraging and discounting their commitments to Drew, Blake, and me are more than obvious. If he knew that Brian and I are actually Legal Domestic Partners, he would go ape-shit, trying to think of ways to separate us. Which is funny because his antics thus far are playing a large role in what Brian and I are going through. So can you imagine how much more troublesome he could get?”

I closed my eyes at the thought. Sadly, I could see Michael causing even more trouble if he knew that Brian and Justin are even more joined together than he and I are. LDP?! WOW! Brian and Justin are in it for more than a long haul; they’re in it for a lifetime, which is about how long it will take to untwine their lives should they call it quits. Brian and Justin stand to lose more than just each other. Their businesses and property would have to be sold as well as a tax penalty given. But I know them… all of that shit could go to hell if they no longer have each other.

“Yes, I could see it Justin. But do me a favor, don’t let him cause anymore trouble between the two of you. You becoming immune and indifferent to Michael’s machinations is letting him win. Do you see that?”

Justin dropped his eyes to his refilled Maker’s. “I do, but it would help if I could know that this was still worth fighting for. Ben, I’ve climbed and gotten knocked off of Mt. Kinney more than a few times. I just don’t know why the fuck I keep climbing it anymore. My reasons used to be so simple; ‘I love Brian,’ a running mantra I kept chanting on the way back up. I’m at the point now where I have to question if I’m climbing because I’m still in love with him, or is it that I simply don’t want anyone to have him if I can’t. If it’s the latter, than that makes me no better than Michael has been all these years, and in that case I have to let him go.”

“But what if it’s the former? Will you still let him go then?”

“If it means his happiness, then yes. But if it won’t… I just don’t know if I have any fight left in me, regardless of my own wants.”

The sadness he’s feeling is pouring off of him in waves, even as I hear the strains of an old Patty Smyth song, coming out from the speakers of the jukebox. It’s fitting for the conversation we’re having and yet…

“Dance with me?” I ask him before I’m able to stop myself.

Justin snickers causing me to giggle in return. “What the hell, man?”

“Nah, seriously. There’s nothing wrong with two out of four members of the Lonely Hearts Club comforting each other, is there?”

“I suppose not, as long as you don’t try to take advantage of my fragile state Professor Bruckner.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it, young Mr. Taylor. Besides, my life might be a fucked up mess right now but I still value it. You can take his money and property; his business and his entire collections of Armani and Prada suits, but I pity the fool who tries to take Justin Cole Taylor-Kinney from Brian. I’m not suicidal.”

We laugh again, albeit briefly, as we move to the makeshift dance floor in the middle of the bar. As I hold onto him, I feel him tremble against me. It’s not in lust but in sorrow that he’s doing so. It penetrates my own being with the force of it, and I feel my own eyes well with tears at his heartbreak. My own thoughts about Michael and our marriage are being expressed in the song, whose haunting melody echoes around us. And it’s then that I really realize what decision has been riding Justin all this time. I find that it’s the same one I don’t want to make… but Michael’s pushing me to do it nonetheless...

 **Now, I don't want to lose you, but I don't want to use you just to have somebody by my side./And I don't want to hate you, I don't want to take you, but I don't want to be the one to cry. /And I don't really matter to anyone anymore. But like a fool I keep losing my place and I keep seeing you walk through that door.

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much, and it's bad when you know it's your heart you can't trust. There's a reason why people don't stay where they are. Baby, sometimes love just ain't enough.

Now, I could never change you, I don't want to blame you. Baby, you don't have to take the fall. /Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you. Maybe I just want to have it all. /It makes a sound like thunder, it makes me feel like rain. And like a fool who will never see the truth, I keep thinking something's gonna change. 

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much, and it's bad when you know it's your heart they can't trust. There's a reason why people don't stay who they are. Baby, sometimes love just ain't enough.

And there's no way home when it's late at night and you're all alone. Are there things that you wanted to say? And do you feel me beside you in your bed, there beside you where I used to be? 

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much, and it's bad when you know it's your heart you can't trust. There's a reason why people don't stay where they are. Baby, sometimes love just ain't enough.

And as we’re taking comfort in each other, I’m tapped on the shoulder, managing just in time to move Justin and I out of the way of the angry fist of a very irate brunet...

Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough

Patty Smyth

Songwriters: Glen Burtnik / Patty Smyth/

Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC**

THE WIFE  OR THE  MISTRESS CHAPTER 3

BLAKE

I just got off the phone with Diane. She said that if I was coming, I’d better get there quickly. I knew things were bad with Gramps but this is too soon! I feel any combination of things at this moment, and none of them good. Taking a deep breath, I cross back over to the balcony where Drew was still seated from earlier.

“Diane just called, Drew. It’s… it’s….”

“Say no more Squirt. Just let me assemble the guys. If it helps, I called some of my teammates who live down here during the off-season as well. They are expecting to meet us there.”

I didn’t know what to say. That someone would go to these lengths to protect and preserve me… well it was just amazing and humbling at the same time. I really wish that Teddy was here, but since he can’t be, I’m glad I have Drew. No way would I have been able to face this all on my own and not fallen off the wagon in the process.

“Have you spoken to Emmett?” I ask, because I know that he’ll get the message where it needs to go. But I’m not ready to talk to Ted myself.

“Not yet, but I think I need to now, for your sake. He’ll let Ted know what’s going on.”

I breathe a sigh of relief. “Thanks Giant. I know I have to talk to him eventually, but right now, I just can’t.”

“I know, but when you’re ready, you make sure that you say everything that needs to be said, okay? No holding back; it’s not healthy for either of you.”

I absorb his words and know he’s speaking the truth. Ted and I have become so used to tip-toeing around each other, each afraid of the consequences of letting go of the control over our emotions. That’s one of the downsides to being clean and sober with another recovering addict. You live in fear that you will be the cause of your partner- the person you love above all others- falling and not be able to get back up. Words can be just as detrimental to their well-being as putting a vial of Meth into their hands and telling them not to use it. The temptation to hide inside that pure white powder would be too strong in either case. I can’t do that to Teddy… and I can’t do that to me either. So I let Drew be strong for both of us, just this once.

A half an hour and several phone calls later, Drew and I pull up to the hospital, our contingent of buff bodyguards and Drew’s most trusted guardsmen in football right behind us. We’re greeted by Diane and an iron-gray haired gentleman I don’t know. Seeing Diane after twelve years is amazing and if not for the circumstances, I would be elated. She’s about my height and as picture perfect as I am, with her shining gold hair and sparkling blue eyes. I guess that’s to be expected since I’m only older than her by twelve minutes. We always laugh about that, and tonight is no different, before things turn serious.

“Blake, Drew, this is Gramps attorney, Gregory Morgan. He’s here to make sure everything goes according to plan.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you Blake, despite the circumstances. Your grandfather has told me so much about you,” Mr. Morgan tells me.

“I wish I could say the same.”

Greg nodded. “I know, I know. But now he’s… well I’ll let him tell you himself.”

We arrive at the room a few moments later. Although I’m reluctant to go in, I know I have to. It’s just hard to see the man that I’ve always known as robust and strong, both physically and in personality, as a shell of his former self. It’s a very real reminder of how fragile life really is.

“Gramps, Blake’s here.”

I watch as his blue eyes, so like my own, blink open to look at Diane. His voice when he speaks, is still the voice I remember. “Charles Blake Wyzecki. Come closer, son. It’s been a long time and I don’t have much left.”

“It’s good to see you again Gramps,” I say as I approach the side of the bed where he is. “I wish I could have come sooner.”

“I know, but well… Between your father and that bitch he married, you didn’t have much choice, now did you? You’re looking so much better than the PI reports I received for the first five years you’d been gone. After your decline into drugs, I just couldn’t see them anymore.”

I was surprised by that. I thought that like everyone else, he would have given up on me once I left. I’m glad I was wrong. “It was a dark time for me. I had lost you and Diane, along with everyone and everything I had known, because of something about myself I couldn’t change. But I’ve been clean now going on eight years.”

“I’m so happy to hear that son. So proud of you. Maybe now you can reclaim that nice young man you were involved with before things got so bad for you. What was his name?”

“Ted. His name is Ted, Gramps. And I have, although right now, I don’t know how much longer we’re going to last.” I couldn’t help the sudden lump in my throat at that thought. After all Ted and I have gone through, it doesn’t seem fair that we should end because… just why are we getting ready to fail?

“You listen to me, son. Fix whatever is broken between you. Don’t let missed opportunities of the past affect your future. One thing was made clear before you entered rehab; that man loves you with every fiber of his being. Honor that. Remember it, and fix what’s between you. Your grandmother and I made that mistake, and look at what it costs us. But no matter, because I will be joining her shortly on the other side and if God is merciful, we will begin anew. You still believe in God, don’t you Blake?”

I understand what he is telling me about Grandie. They’d had an argument just before she left the house on the morning she died, fifteen years ago. It was so bad that she decided to take the bus into work that morning, instead of asking Gramps to drop her off as usual. She had an aneurysm that burst while she was on the bus. I remember his despondency when he received the news. It seemed as if the life just fled from him; the light from his eyes left that day. For the longest time that I could remember, Gramps was just going through the motions of life. It wasn’t until I came out that he began fighting again. Not for his own life, but for my right to live and love as I saw fit. It hurt the three of us when I had to leave. Diane and Gramps begged me not to go, but my parents and other siblings had made it impossible for me to stay. I railed at God for a while, but I never stopped believing in Him to fix things. Even while I was high and having indiscriminate sex for my next hit, I always knew to ask forgiveness. My grandparents had taught me that.  “I never stopped Gramps. But sometimes, God makes this road called life so hard.”

“It’s not hard. Sure there are tough choices, and we all have the ability to choose wrongly for ourselves. It’s what makes free will a bitch sometimes.” He chuckles and I can’t help but remember all the times he told me that. “That said, this is the perfect opportunity for you to choose wisely for a change, without thought, worry, or care that you aren’t on an equal footing in your relationship with Ted. I know it was a concern of yours many years ago. Is it still?”

I had to think about it a moment. Michael always made sure to compare Ted and me, just as he did with Brian and Justin, in terms of finances, while ignoring his own disparity with Ben. “Yeah, it’s still a sore point at times, mostly because of a friend of Ted’s. I remember bringing it up to Ted once when he helped me get a job and bought me a new suit. He had a lot of faith in me even then.”

“Well there you go. You young people let things that really don’t matter get in the way of what’s best for you. And Theodore Schmidt is what’s best for you Blake. Regardless of all the problems, it all boils down to where you want to be, what you want, and with whom you want to be. Either you want to be with Ted or you don’t. But my gift to you will take at least some of the weight off your shoulders. Greg, give them the papers please.”

Greg handed me a thick packet of papers, requesting that I sign here and there. I didn’t bother to read them, knowing that my grandfather would never put something in them that wouldn’t benefit me. I looked over to Diane as she signed where she was required to as well. When we were finished, we both handed them back to him.

“You both have received your bequeathments ahead of schedule. I did it this way so that the ignorant whelp my DNA helped to create couldn’t get his hands on or deny what was rightfully meant to be yours. Blake and Diane, I have trustworthy people in place to run the business if you have no wish to do so. When I first became sick, with Greg’s help, we did that so that you would be free to live your lives. Blake, I know that you are a counselor at a rehab center in Pittsburgh. Although there is a fairly large branch here in Tampa, the headquarters is based in Chicago. Diane, are your bags packed?”

“They are Gramps.”

“You’re moving to Chicago?” I ask. I never thought that Diane would move away from here. But then again, I haven’t really known her innermost thoughts for many years. I can’t help but be a bit sad about that.

“Yeah, I am. I refuse to stay here when the two people I love aren’t. Besides you know Mom and Dad. In their minds, my business degree should only adorn a wall, but never be used. Thankfully, Gramps didn’t treat me as a trophy wife waiting to be claimed. I’ve been involved in the day-to-day operations here, although secretly behind the scenes. It’s been good training.”

I nodded. It was semi-comforting to know that my parents were still the same assholes they had become in my head long since. “So I guess that means we’ll be seeing a lot more of each other then?”

“Hell yeah! I refuse to let another twelve years go by without seeing my big brother. Having this gives me the freedom to do what I want without checking with them. Thank you Gramps.”

“That was the idea, my children,” Gramps says. “Blaze Distribution and Restaurants will go on with you two at the helm. The company is yours to take to the next level. And now it’s time for you two to go.”

“But I don’t want to leave yet. We’ve had so little time.” I feel the tears creeping into my eyes. I’m not ready to say goodbye to him!

“Your Grandie is here to get me, Blake. I can’t keep her waiting any longer. We’ve waited long enough to be together. Remember all I’ve told you son. And Diane, you take care of your brother now. Although you have spent years apart, like your Grandie and I, your connection is eternal. Greg, see them out for me.”

Greg begins to usher us out when I turn back. “I love you Gramps, and thank you. Thank you for never giving up on me and for loving me.” I sob.

“I never stopped and even now, I never will. Go be happy, Son. You deserve it.”

I left to the sound of the machines beeping behind me, knowing that he was gone. It was like he held on just to finish this and I’m not sure how to feel right now. One the one hand, I’m glad he’s out of pain and reunited with Grandie. But on the other hand, the more selfish part of me, wants him to hold on to this life longer. I want to make up for all of the lost years. My family robbed me of so much, but most of all what they stole from me was time. I’m not sure that I can forgive them for that.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” I hear the growl from him before I even lay my tear-filled eyes on the man known as my father.

“I’m leaving.”

“You shouldn’t have been here in the first place. Diane, you and I will have a serious talk when this is finished.”

“No, we won’t. There is nothing left to say.”

“You don’t tell me what I will and will not say to you! You will obey me!” Curtis tells her.

“Fuck you! I don’t have to listen to you. And I won’t. Now come on, Blake. We need to go.”

Curtis reached up to put his hand on her arm to detain her, but found his access blocked. I look over to Flora, who I used to refer to as Mom. The look on her face is priceless as she realizes just who has blocked Curtis’ access to Diane, while the rest of our security team begins to form a protective circle around us. I don’t think I have ever seen Drew’s eyes glitter so dangerously before. My gentle giant of a friend looks like he’s about to make mudholes out of anyone who gets near us.

“I believe the lady said that she no longer has anything to say to you. It would be in everyone’s best interests if you would stop causing a scene and let us pass,” Drew tells him.

My other brothers have arrived and they look just as shocked as my mother does. Not only are they star-struck, but they also have a helpless look in their eyes. I’ve spent years praying they would experience that feeling one day after all the beatings I endured at their hands. Curtis just doesn’t want to give up though.

“Look, I don’t give a fuck what it is you think you are doing but this is none of your business. This is between my wayward children and me, so fuck off!”

“Then you should probably speak to your children, who are standing next to your wife,” I say. “Diane and I were here to see OUR GRANDFATHER. As far as I’m concerned, I haven’t had parents for a long time now. I certainly don’t need them now. Diane, ready to go?”

“Diane, you walk out that door, don’t bother coming back! And don’t think you’re going to see a penny of my father’s money should he croak by the time I make it to the room.”

“Don’t worry. I have no intention of having anything to do with you after leaving here. Thanks for life, but I no longer need or want you in mine. I think I can officially say that you were dead to me the moment you kicked Blake out of our lives. Now it can be my new reality. Goodbye Curtis and Flora. If you five ever develop brains to think for yourselves, come find me. If not, it has been my burden to know you and hope never to see you around,” Diane says as she moves towards the exit with Greg in tow. “Blake?”

“Yeah, I’m coming. I just wanted to commit this to memory. Drew, you were right. Mean and hateful people really are like sandpaper.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean Blake?” Flora asks me.

“It means that while Diane and I are smooth and polished, you and your husband just look worn out and ugly. Goodbye.” I watch with more satisfaction than I should admit as her mouth opens and closes several times. There wasn’t really anything she could say; nothing either of them could say when faced with the absolute truth.

They reminded me of rotten apples. Beautiful and tempting on the outside while on the inside, hidden away from unsuspecting people, they were bitter and unpleasing at their core. It makes me realize that no matter how hard my life has been, I’m still happy to have gotten away from them before they really infected me with their metaphorical poison. Gramps, Diane and I are finally free of them, at long last.

Flanked by all of my new friends and one very important ‘old’ one, the three of us left the hospital. But there is one thing troubling me. “Diane, Greg, what does the rest of the Wyzecki family get upon Gramps’ demise?”

“Nothing.” Greg answers with a small chuckle.

“What do you mean nothing?”

“Just what I said. Curtis’ greed of many years and his sense of entitlement left a bad taste in your grandfather’s mouth a long time ago. After Curtis and Cruella… I mean Flora, tried to take over the company, citing that your grandfather had lost his mind with the death of his wife, Blaine changed his will, leaving the sum of one dollar to everyone except you and Diane. So not only do you have the business, but the bank accounts to go with it. All of his estate bills have already been paid, so whatever is in the account is yours to do with as you please. We’ll have to wait until later this morning to divide it up and close the accounts. We’ll move the money to two new accounts and then all profits beyond what gets shelled out for payroll and other governmental fees, will be deposited into your new accounts weekly. After your grandfather’s burial which will take place in a few days, I’ll monitor it from Chicago as well. It will take time but Blaine and I decided to close out the branch here in Tampa. Mostly everyone willing to relocate will do so within the next three months while the others opted for their settlement packets. Again, all of those expenses have already been paid out.”

“How much is in the accounts?” I’m still trying to process all of what’s being told to me. I never knew that Gramps had basically disowned Curtis.

“Roughly or there about, two hundred million. But the business is lucrative and pours money into the main account all the time. Having a top-notch cookware line and several restaurants here in the States and abroad pays very well. Your grandfather was a very wealthy man; he just chose to live modestly.”

I felt Drew behind me, holding me up. With my half, that puts me on financial ranking with Brian, Justin, Emmett and Drew. What the fuck?!  

TED

I’m still sitting here brooding a bit when my phone rings. Looking at the display, I roll my eyes at first. I mean, I technically just met the guy and already he’s becoming a pain in my ass. But I can’t say that since he’s trying to help me get my life back in the most important way. So with that thought in mind, I release a sigh and push the green talk button on my own electronic leash.

“Hello Bernard, what can I do for you?”

“Well Jesus Ted, don’t sound so enthused to hear my melodious voice.” We both snicker at that. Strangely, he reminds me of Brian in his ‘no bullshit’ approach to this whole thing. “But let’s get to the reason I’m calling. One of the other counselors has brought to my attention an opportunity to get away from Pittsburgh, to at least try and get all of our couples on solid footing.”

“But I just got back and Kinnetik…”

“I know Ted. Besides, we’ve already talked about a way for you and Brian to be able to tend to business while you are taking care of home, so to speak. Let me ask you something. How do you see yourself five years from now?”

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

“Okay, in the simplest terms- taking business out of it- do you see yourself with Blake or without him?”

“I… I don’t know. It’s not that I don’t want to be with him but the problems for us…”

“Are insurmountable without a lot of help and guidance. I’ll be completely honest with you and forgive the cliche in advance. Have you ever seen Mahogany, starring Billy Dee Williams and Diana Ross? Well that infamous line he uttered was true. Success is nothing without someone you love to share it with. You are about to lose the person that I know you love; you are also about to lose yourself because of it.”

I remember watching that movie with Emmett some years ago. Admittedly, we both cried at that part. Ironic that the lead male character’s name was Brian. And that our own Brian and Justin were going through something similar, where it was the older man who had placed Justin on the backburner in quest for his own success story. “I don’t want to end up like that.”

“Well that’s where you are headed; you and Blake both, if you both don’t take the measures to cut that shit out. So look, the idea is to visit an island- a very special island- that two of our colleagues along with Judge Marcus has developed. Although there are main grounds, there are also villas on the outer corners of it. You and your friends will be staying in those. They are far enough from the main area that you will have complete privacy to work out your issues without, uh... interference...”

“You mean Michael.”

“I always knew you were a smart man, Ted. A lot of Blake’s problems with you stem from him, but that’s going to be addressed later. Let me finish telling you about the resort. Each of the villa areas are like their own little island as well. Each has restaurants and pools… all the things you would find in any other kind of resort. Best of all, there will be little or no chance that you would see any of the other couples, unless it is prearranged and approved between the counselors. I know that Alex is planning to give Brian a new phone so that you and he will be able to business. Since Michael will be far enough away, you won’t have to worry about him trying to wheedle the number out of you. Skype is another matter.”

“Are you saying I have no will of my own to thwart Michael?” I can't help but feel a little pissed about that.

“It’s evident that you don’t, at least from the outside looking in. Consider the way you allowed Michael to speak to Blake earlier, when all your husband did was point out the truth regarding your friend. Honestly, I couldn’t blame Blake for marching out just as Justin, Ben, and Drew did. How can you not see it?”

I sighed. “I do see it; have for a long time. But sometimes, it’s just easier to not engage Michael and let him think you are giving into him. It saves my sanity.”

“While destroying all you are trying to build. How is that fair to you, Ted? How is that designing your own life? How is that doing anything other than buying into those negative thoughts that led your to addiction to crystal meth in the first place?”

I know he’s right about everything he’s saying. I’m becoming complacent in my own downfall again. I thought by keeping busy, I could outrun these thoughts. But they are persistent, they are damaging and destructive. If I’m not proactive, I will lose everything...again. “Okay, I’ll do it.”

FIRE AND ICE- CHAPTER 3

EM

The last thing I expected to see walking into Woody’s was the drama unfolding right before my eyes. Three men in a standoff could have been hot as hell in an alternate universe. I mean the testosterone levels alone could drive this nelly queen’s libido wild, let alone the pheromones each one has to be giving off, begging to be sniffed and savored… well, again, in another life, this could be a perfect thing. However, this is not that otherworld. Instead, it’s our very real life, featuring an extremely irate brunet and two other angry men.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?! No one touches what’s mine!”

“Is that all I am, Brian? An extension of you?! A fucking possession?! Well FUCK YOU! I belong to myself. I only let you claim me from time-to-time, but that shit ends right fucking now!”

“Brian, you have this all wrong! Maybe if you paid more attention to Justin, you two wouldn’t be in the situation you are in now. Perhaps then this little episode of unwarranted, unfounded jealousy could have been avoided. But NO! You and your best fucking friend seem to think that both of your partners are toys to be pulled out whenever you are bored and remember we exist!”

I am dumbfounded. Who knew that Ben even felt that way? He’s usually the quietest of us; the cool voice of reason whenever the rest of us get out of sorts. I wonder if Michael knows. Listening to Ben go on, I think he knows, but has chosen to ignore the truth staring at him in the face… sort of like the rest of us.

“Is that how you really feel Justin? Like I treat you like you’re a part of me without your own identity?”

Before the stormy-eyed blond can answer, I intervene. “Gentlemen, this isn’t the time or place for this discussion. You don’t want to continue to give the Tell-a-Queen Network any more to gossip about, do you?” They each look around to gauge the truth of my words. You could hear a rat piss on cotton through the entire building, it’s so quiet. “Before long, Deb will be in here, thinking of how to save us, while only causing more confusion. Is that what you really want?”

I watch as each of them drop their eyes, knowing that I’m telling the absolute truth. We all love Debbie, but she’s even nosier than I am. And like it or not, if Michael’s happiness is threatened in any way, she will bully everyone into conforming to what she thinks should happen. Ever since Mel’s phone call and the conversation I had with Duke earlier, small things that I’ve overlooked over the years are becoming so much more clear. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad at this point. It just is.

“I think I can safely say that it isn’t what I want,” Justin says. “But it’s also time for me to go anyway. Ben, thanks for the talk and the dance. I hope the trip clears up some things for you.”

He nods. “And you’ll think about what I’ve said?”

Justin drops his eyes again and I can see Brian’s narrow marginally. “Yeah. I’ll think about it. But I can’t promise anything. By the way, the offer still stands.” Justin downs the rest of his drink, deliberately ignoring Brian as he looks on. Something about that statement seems significant to only the two of them. Justin’s faraway look clears before he hastily utters,  “Goodnight.”

“Justin… you don’t…” Brian tries but can’t seem to get the words out.

“Yeah. I do.” The sadness in his voice is absolutely palpable and I feel myself near tears. I don’t think that I’ve ever heard Baby sound so despondent in all the years I’ve known him. He leaves as the rest of us look on, his hands in his pockets and head bent.

Brian turns his furious, yet sad, eyes to Ben. “Alright, now what the fuck was that about an ‘offer?’ Just what the fuck are you playing at Ben?!”

“I’m not playing at anything Brian. Again, maybe you should look at everything and for fucking once, ask the right questions! I know this is an impossible concept for you to understand, and maybe it’s because of your years as Michael’s hero that causes it.  But there is nothing between Justin and I besides friendship. That offer you’re so keen on was for me to commandeer the couch in his hotel room or the one in your little hideaway so that I can have a break from hearing about you every nine seconds. Do yourself a favor and take your head out of your ass before it’s too late. And while you’re at it, pick my husband’s head out of your ass too. There is only so much fucking more I can take!”

Ben storms off, leaving both Brian and I in shock. Could it be that Ben and Michael are really about to end? Maybe that was what his and Michael’s argument was about that led to partner-free week. We still have no idea what did. Every time Michael brought it up, Brian would either change the subject or ignore him, which caused Michael to clam up. When Ted and I tried to get it out of him, he said that he would wait until we were altogether so that he wouldn’t have to repeat himself. In retrospect, I know that Brian was the key to all of this. Ted and I were as well, but in the last few months, we all weren’t giving Michael the time and attention he’s always felt he was entitled to. I now know that we were all fools and it’s costing us in ways that the only person who would feel happy at the end of it would be Mr. Michael Novotny-Bruckner. But with Ben leaving just now, I’m not so sure that Michael will escape as unscathed as he thinks.

“Come on Brian, let’s grab a table,” I tell him, moving to the recently vacated one left by Ben and Justin.

Settling into the booth, Brian frowned at the glass Justin had emptied. He sniffs it, the scowl on his face deepening to a degree I have rarely seen on his beautiful face. “Another fucking Maker’s. You know, he’s been drinking that more and more lately.”

Right after we each signal the bartender for our own drinks, I tell Brian, “Well if you know that, then perhaps there is something you can do about it.” Brian looks at me with questions in his eyes. Questions that I have no answers to, considering my own mess with Drew. “I don’t know, Bri. All I’ve managed to gather is that we’ve all fucked up royally. Drew is off with Blake in Florida.”

“What?”

“You heard me. Apparently, although I don’t have the full story, Blake’s grandfather asked to see him.”

“I thought he didn’t have any family.”

“Oh, he has family alright. It’s much like yours and mine.”

Brian nods. We both have less than stellar backgrounds when it comes to shared DNA. It’s one of those things that has always set us apart from Ted and Michael. Although, Ted’s mom was unsure of the whole gay thing, especially after the whole Ted - Coma Chronicles, she’s come around and accepts that even though Ted made choices she wouldn’t make for herself, they were still his to make. As for Michael, he’s always had Deb in his corner. Brian and I endured much, whether we were out to our kinfolk or in the closet for a time. It wasn’t the happiest times of our lives.

Our drinks arrive and after taking a healthy sip, he asks, “So why isn’t Ted with him?”

“I suppose that has a lot to do with what happened after you left the conference room this afternoon. Blake had a mini-meltdown much like Sunshine’s. Must be something in the water, except that Drew and Ben had the same reactions.”

“Fuck! This thing with Justin just seems to get worse and worse; more out of my control.”

“Perhaps that is the problem?” When Brian looks at me with contempt, I hold up my hands. “I’m not criticizing you, so hear me out. We’re all being assholes. Instead of fixing what’s wrong, we’re running from it and allowing it to break us.”

“What fucking riddles are you talking in now, Honeycutt?”

“I’m speaking plainly, Kinney. And don’t call me Honeycutt!” We both snicker at the familiar banter between us. It is comforting and gives me courage to say what I need to say to him. “Brian, Justin has a point. Lately you are acting like he’s just an extension of the great god Kinney and that he should be grateful for your presence. Now that’s not to say that he shouldn’t be, but that you should be too. Let me ask you something… How did it feel all those years ago when Justin walked away?”

I could see the feelings that he’d worked so hard to hide then, come to the surface right before his mask slips back into place. “What the hell has that to do with anything?”

“Plenty. I happen to know why the fiddler happened in the first place. Oh, you only managed to hear Michael’s version of events and by the time I was about to pull your coattail, it was too late to stop the freight train that was the Ragian breakup.”

“Why are we rehashing this now?” He sighs deeply. I could tell that I’ve already struck one nerve. Well, I’m about to knock another nerve out of the proverbial park.

“Do you ever wonder why Michael brought the half-truth to you? What exactly did he have to gain? You know a lie by omission is just as bad as one told, don’t you? Justin may have lied back then, but you weren’t given the full truth by your best friend either.  After I heard the rumor about him breaking the rules with Ethan, I asked him about it. Do you know what he told me?”

“No. We very rarely ever talk about it.”

“And whose choice is that?”

“Are you psychoanalyzing me?”

“No. Just pointing out things that will maybe give you a fighting chance with a very stubborn and tired blond, who I know you love. So answer the question.”

Another frustrated sound escapes him as he looks to the ceiling as if asking for divine intervention. Nope, Jesus is not about to absolve him this time and neither will I. “Fine, Em. To be honest, I always cut the conversation off. It’s not that I don’t want to know…”

“It’s that you’re afraid of the answer. Oh honey, don’t you see? You- in fact add Ted and I to that list- are about to find the proverbial fiddler in our beds. Justin didn’t fuck with Ethan out of lust, but loneliness. I know that because he told me so. He may have lied to you because he either didn’t want you to feel any more misplaced guilt than you were already battling because of the bashing. Or, he was terrified that you would just tell him to ‘suck it up Buttercup’ and then kick him out of your life. You’d done it before, you know.”

“That’s a load of horseshit!”

“Not at all. And what reason would I have to lie to you? I’m not Michael, who loves to blow smoke up your cute little ass and thinks you can do no wrong. Nope! That’s not me. I’m not him, who would rather you be alone than be happy; I’m not that selfish. And I’m not Justin, willing to let you live in the delusion that in order for you to be happy, everything must be done your way.”

“I don’t think that.”

“Yes, you do. But believe it or not, it’s why most of us admire you. Not worship you, the way Michael does, but we laud you for your tenacity and staying true to your own vision.”

“But you basically just told me that Justin thinks he has no say.”

“He doesn’t.”

“And you admire the controlling asshole you just described?”

“Yes I do.”

“Why?”

“Brian, Justin may allow you to take the lead in many things. But I also know that he works behind the scenes to make sure it comes off the way you expect it to. If you think about the many times your ass has been saved without you knowing why or how, I’m sure you will find the equally-tenacious, never-say-die, Team Brian all the way blond, at the bottom of it all. That said, I think we all- you, me, and Teddy- need to find a way to save ourselves, starting with rescuing the men we love from the outskirts of our lives. I never want to be accused of making Drew feel invisible. During Ted’s addiction, I learned that the land of obscurity is not a place I ever want to be again. So how dare I relegate Drew to that desolate mindset?”

“So… you think Alex’s idea about the island will work? For all of us, I mean.”

“I don’t know, Brian. But if this is our only chance to show and prove to our men that we love them and that they are worth fighting for, then I suggest we take it. We may not get another.”

He takes in what I’m saying. Unlike most, I’ve noticed that Brian listens with his whole being even while affecting an uninterested pose. It’s that kind of poise that I have always been jealous of him for. As he raised his glass and swishes around the amber liquid, he raises a toast. “To Sunshine, Squirt, and Giant. May they not be as disenchanted as the Professor has become.”

“And may our rescue mission be a successful one.” As we clink glasses, I think From our lips to God’s ears.

BEFORE I LET GO: CHAPTER 4

DUKE

Bernard and I decided to meet for lunch. After talking last night, we both have some concerns about taking our clients to the resort. The news that Drew and Blake had gone off to Florida with nary a word to their partners was troubling. If they couldn’t even communicate enough to say ‘Hey, I’m going out of town for a few days’, I wonder if it will be any better in the same place without anywhere else to go. And I know Bernard is thinking the exact same thing.

“Sorry I’m late,” he says as he sits down, ordering a drink in the same breath as the waiter passes by. “Fucking Motormouth Morrisons! If they spent half as much time talking to each other as they spend talking about everyone else, they wouldn’t need therapy.”

I laugh. “Sounds like you and Barry share the same problem.”

“You would think so, but not quite. They both are like cackling hens. Although more like braying jackasses, would be a better description. I don’t know how they put up with each other. With the Novotny-Bruckners, only one member of the partnership is like that. The Morrisons are currently in therapy because they disagree about one of their grown daughters dating their neighbor’s son. What’s worse is that the two people in question both have lucrative careers and live in Sewickley. Apparently, the problem is that the neighbors are not social like they are, and they think it will make for awkward get togethers. Yet, both of the Morrisons have been known to fuck various members within their community, including the neighbors on the other side. Is it any wonder why that young man’s parents opt not to be overly neighborly to the literally fucking Morrisons?!”

That’s it! I couldn’t stop the loud guffaw if I wanted to! Bernard is probably the most even tempered of all of us, so when he’s fed up, we all take notice. But he has a way of putting these vivid pictures into your head that are a major source of hilarity. Sobering as much as I’m able, I ask, “So what are you going to do about them?”

“I don’t know. But I swear they make solving Ted and Blake’s non-communication issues seem like taking a vacation. With them, the trouble will be actually getting them to talk; with the Morrisons, it’s getting them to shut the fuck up.”

“Well if it helps, I know why Blake left for Florida. Drew called Emmett last night to tell him that Blake’s grandfather had asked to see him immediately.”

“Then why the secrecy? I mean, he could have told Ted that.”

“You can’t be that dense? Perhaps I should psychoanalyze you for not noticing why Blake decided not to tell Ted.”

He thought about it for a moment before a look of chagrin graced his face. “Sorry. My brain is still fried from dealing with Fuckzillas all morning.”

I chuckle. “I would imagine so. But back to the real reason we’re meeting. I put in a call to Drew, requesting that he call me back. I haven’t spoken to Emmett today yet, but I know that he said he’s going to the resort. I suspect Drew will be too. He knows a lot more about this situation than he’s been saying. Judge Marcus had already spoken to Emmett, so that cleared the way for me.”

“I wish she would talk to my clients. I know that she and Ted used to be quite close; much like how Justin and his female bestie Daphne had been. I haven’t seen her around lately. No doubt if she had been, Brian and Justin wouldn’t be in the state they are in now.”

I couldn’t help but nod. That young lady always had a way of cutting through the Novotny-induced bullshit where the Taylor-Kinneys were concerned. “Last I heard, she was on a big high-profile divorce case in France. Because it’s international and involves diplomats, she’s being sequestered and all communication monitored. It’s just easier for her and Justin to be M.I.A. right now. If she knew what he was going on though, she would have a shit fit. She never did like Michael. I think if there was a way for her to extinguish him and still stay on the right side of the law, she would have done so many years ago.”

“She’s not the only one,” he mutters, before taking another sip of his drink. “So now the question is, how we proceed from here. I know that Ted is going to the resort, but I don’t know how to get Blake to agree to it, based on that little display and resulting defection yesterday. Ted really fucked up.”

“Yeah, he did. Do you know why?”

“According to Ted, it saves his sanity not to argue with Michael. He’s become quite ‘go along to get along’ where his friendship is concerned. Yet when dealing with Kinnetik business, Ted is a veritable pitbull in the boardroom. You can certainly see Brian’s influence, but to see Ted’s confidence in his own abilities is truly a wonderful sight.”

“You have?”

“Yes. I’m on the board for my dad’s internet business. With Brian’s vision and Ted’s financial planning of the entire venture, we’re seeing the promised 150% return sooner than we all predicted. When dad’s accountant tried to lowball getting the same services for a fraction of the costs, Ted told Brian that no matter what the account was worth, they could pick up six other companies, charge half the price for the amount Henry was offering in my father’s name, and still make twice as much money. Basically, he told Brian that our company was not needed to see the profit margin Kinnetik wanted to see this year. The idea that my father would lose out on quality advertising to skyrocket the company based on a penny-pinching pencil-pusher didn’t sit well with the old man, especially since that also meant that there would be no return on the initial investment. So we went with Kinnetik at the full price, and Henry no longer works for my father.”

“So Ted is capable of playing hard-ball. Why doesn’t he do it with Michael? What is the hold he has on them?”

“I don’t know. But if I had to guess, it really has to do with Debbie.” At my protest, he held up his hand. “Hear me out and think about it. What is it that Ted, Brian, and Emmett all have in common? Or at least did until Ted’s mother came around to accepting him? Their families were less than accepting. As a result, Debbie opened her arms, heart, and home to all of them when they needed a nurturing touch. If they lose Michael- upset him in any way- they lose that close connection with Debbie, who was basically a mother to them all. It doesn’t help that in return for her affection, she, knowingly or not, blackmails them into making and keeping Michael happy. He plays on the fact that she took them in when they all had no one and he uses her love as a club, wielding it to keep them all in line. Although Ted, Brian, and Emmett are confident men when dealing with other people, their partners notwithstanding, they are still little boys seeking a mother’s love. Essentially, we all are.”

What he says makes perfect sense. We’ve all borne witness to ‘the Novotny tantrum’ enough times to know that if it came down to any one of them or Michael, Debbie would always choose Michael, even if he’s wrong. She would defend him publicly while chastising him privately. It’s always sent mixed messages to the rest of the group. Or in a better, more accurate perspective, it sent a very clear message to the others that she can criticize or come down on Michael, but the rest of them had better not. The few times that Brian had done just that, he’d paid an emotional price for it. The Lesbian anniversary party of several years ago was a prime example of that.

No one, except Alex, and perhaps Barry, really know why Brian punched Michael that long ago day. No one bothered to find out either. All that had mattered was that Brian had metaphorically ‘bitten the hand that fed him’, when he had no one else. I know that it had always bothered Ted that he was always the first to jump to the bad conclusions about Brian before he really got to know him. I also know that it bothered Emmett to know that something was terribly wrong, but he’d lost his courage to say anything about it because he didn’t want to upset the matriarch of their little family. So while Brian was being blamed and called an ‘asshole’ and an ‘animal’, his covert antagonist once again played victim and reaped the rewards of pity-infused attention. I wonder if Brian, if any of them really, even stand a chance to save themselves and their relationships. It’s clear that as long as Michael is holding the proverbial anvil of ‘Mother guilt’ over their heads, they are all fighting a losing battle.

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Bernard asks me.

“More than you know, Bernie. More than you know”

“We need to call Alex and Barry in on this.”

“Yeah we do, but first we need to find out what’s going on down in Florida.”

STAYING OR GOING CHAPTER 4:

BRIAN

After the talk with Em last night, I felt marginally better. I swear that man has a way of seeing through and cutting out the bullshit that even I admire. Sometimes, I wonder if I even deserve to call him one of my closest friends. I know Justin does, but me? Well I guess something must be going right if I still have him. But all the talk last night brought up some questions and...f-fe- feelings that I thought I had put behind me long since. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I threatened Michael with bodily harm last night. The last time I had felt such murderous intent was years ago at the ex-Munchers’ party. I never told anyone what he said and I thought I had forgiven him. But did I really?

To the average person it would seem that I did. He apologized and I brushed it off, bringing him an eighty-dollar cut of steak and convincing him that he should work on Rage with Justin; told him that we were both assholes and to forget it. Yet every single time Michael doesn’t get his way, he blames Justin and spouts the same shit. The funny- or not funny actually- thing is, that he never does it where other people can hear it. You know, people like Deb or Ben, people who don’t really know what a piece of shit he can be. Justin has heard that particular pronouncement many times, but he still has no idea why I punched Michael that long-ago day.

“Hey, you got a minute?”

I look up at the sound of a voice that is completely unexpected but not all that unpleasant. “Mother Taylor, to what do I owe the honor of your esteemed company today?”

She chuckles. “Cut the shit son-in-love. I brought the specs to the new building that you asked for. The building next to this one has also come up for sale, so do you want to put in an offer for it as well? Although you own the airspace and now the building to the left of Kinnetik, I think instead of building up first, you should spread out.”

I nod at her. I swear the best thing she could have ever done was get her Broker’s license. Starting as a measly agent worked well for her in the beginning, but as a broker, she now has agents working for her while she reaps the rewards. Jen mostly comes out into the fields only for those clients she began her career with, which includes Justin and me. “I’ll talk to Justin about it and get back to you with our decision.”

“And how is my son? I haven’t spoke to him in a couple of weeks.”

“Your guess is as good as mine,” I absently tell her, before realizing what I actually let slip.

“What do you mean by that, Brian? You two aren’t attempting to live separate lives at this juncture, are you?” Her eyes are wide and questioning, a little frown marring her perfect features. I know that I can’t lie to her, even if I am tempted to.

“Justin and I are having some… problems. I’m not exactly sure when or where we started having them. All I know is that I want them fixed but he…”

“He?”

I sigh. “Yeah, he’s not sure he wants them to be. Or at least that’s what he says.”

“So what happened? And don’t give me that ‘I don’t know’ bullshit, Brian. If there is one thing that I know about the two of your stubborn asses, it’s that there are always signs before one of you go off the deep end. You two, unlike others, don’t operate your relationship on a checks-and-balances system. There are no threats of the ‘if you do this, than I’ll do that’ kind of deal between you. It’s all or nothing, but there are consequences to that kind of relationship too.”

“I’m sure you’ll tell me what they are,” I say wryly.

“You bet your ass I am! The fact that you two don’t talk right away when something happens or when your feelings get hurt is one of them. Both you and Justin tend to bury everything until you have no choice but to implode. Something tells me that the implosion is closer than either of you know, and if you don’t get your shit together, it’s going to take another ten years to get you both back to where you are now. I remember how hard you two fought against yourselves and everybody else to be together; I think it’s time for you and Justin to remember as well.”

Before I have a chance to lay my cards on the table for her, I hear yelling, and the dreaded bossy voice ordering Cynthia to step aside before she’s pushed out of the way. I close my eyes, because that kind of entry could only mean one thing: Michael has struck again. Only this time…

“Hey asshole! You owe me an explanation! Where the fuck do you get off threatening my kid!” came the screeching of Deborah Jane Grassi-Novotny-Horvath. “Answer me asshole!”

“Pardon me, but his name is Brian. You should know that since you met him first! Really Deb, this is a place of business, not a baseball game. Have some fucking couth about yourself!” Jen huffed, and I have to say I’m impressed. Only Jen and Justin can make cursing like a sailor sound prim and proper when warranted.

“What are you doing here Jen? Perhaps you should leave if my presence is upsetting you so. This is between me and the asshole!” Deb sneers, causing me to count backwards in my head. If she calls me an asshole one more time…

“No Deborah, I’m not leaving. But perhaps you should. I’m sure that Michael is at home and needs his grown ass wiped clean and diapered. Maybe apply a little powder to the chapping that his ass must be experiencing because he was told to get a fucking life.” At the widening of Deb’s eyes, Jen narrowed her own. “That’s right Deb. You’re not the only one who heard about Michael’s tantrum on Liberty Avenue last night. He spouted to everyone who would listen about how Brian was tricking, and threatened to throw him down the stairs head-first. Well, I’ll have you know that Brian was not tricking, but was in the loft with his HUSBAND before your spoiled ass brat interrupted them...AGAIN!”

“Wait, how did you know, Jen?” I ask, because I didn’t tell anyone that Justin was at the loft last night before shit hit the fan.

“Tony, the bartender at Woody’s, and Todd- I still have no idea why he’s referred to as Backroom Todd- came into my office this morning as I was leaving to come here. They have been dating for several months and are finally looking for a place together. They were in your neighborhood last night, checking out some properties that they wanted to look at when they heard your argument with Michael and saw Justin leaving. They called out to Justin but he just waved and rushed to his car. They asked me if he was alright. So imagine my surprise when they told me all that had happened last night, including the show you, Justin, and Ben put on at Woody’s last evening. Thank goodness for Emmett!”

I had the good grace to flush. I knew that we caused a big scene, but I really didn’t expect it to get back to Jen all the way across town. “So there Deb. You have your answers. You may go.”

“I’m not going anywhere until I get a fucking explanation!” she yells.

“Well then you will be escorted out. Shall I call Horvath now?”

“Don’t you fucking threaten me Brian. You forget everything we have done for you!”

“Oh give me a fucking BREAK! Deb, if you think for one minute that Michael didn’t get the ‘mommy-guilt syndrome’ from you, you’re fucking mistaken!” Jen yells back. I don’t think I have ever heard Jen yell and it causes me to jump a little. She’s always been so gentle, but then to the outside world, so is Justin. Must be hereditary.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Deb asks her, narrowing her eyes and putting her hands on her ample hips. I can definitely see where Michael gets the pouting from now. I can’t understand why I never noticed it before.

“I’m talking about his penchant for threatening anyone going against him with you. Surely you realize that your baby boy is an emotional tyrant? I would think that someone who claims to love these boys and is able to display wisdom at least some of the time, would recognize the signs. But you can’t, can you? You can’t because that would mean that you would have to turn the mirror on yourself. But then again, just like the vampires in fiction novels, emotional vampires in real life also avoid looking at themselves, don’t they? Well, you can play that fucking game all you want Deb, but it won’t be with my sons, not the one standing here or the one I gave birth to. Go breastfeed Michael, I can hear his whining from here.”

Jen turned her back on Deb and made sure that I did the same. I could feel the tears stinging the back of my eyes, but I won’t let them fall. That would only fuel Deb’s fire and let her know that she’s getting to me, once again. When we finally hear her leaving, it’s only then that I allow the shivers I’ve been holding in rigid check to burst forth. The pain from having to endure Deb this morning is all too real. It reminds me of having to stand still in the face of her condemnation during the 30th birthday party I threw for Michael at her behest to get him and Doctor Dick back together. It reminded me of being called an animal when I punched Michael because of the wrong shit that flew out of his mouth. In this moment I know that if she knew what he said, she would find a way to justify Michael’s words or to simply brush them off. And that knowledge fucking hurts more than Jack’s fists or Joan’s indifference ever did.

“Brian, you don’t let that little shit split you and Justin up, you hear me? Justin may not realize what he wants right now, but I suspect that’s only because he’s tired of fighting.”

“But Jen…”

“No Brian. Now I have stayed out of your relationship except for in the beginning when I thought Justin was too young for you, or when you two broke up because of the Ethan episode. I know that it was a period that you both needed to happen so that you could grow and become the men you are. But consequently, that time apart also fostered some insecurities and stubbornness within both of you. Usually Daphne would be the one to point this out to you, but as your mom, I’m going to tell you GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS, GET IT IN GEAR, AND GET ON WITH FIXING THIS SHIT!!”

I look at her in shock before bursting out laughing. “It’s funny but yeah, those would have been Daph’s exact words. They just sound… strange coming from your mouth.”

“Well, nice to know that I can still surprise you on occasion, Darling. But seriously though, Brian, you and Justin have been through too much to let insignificant people ruin this. I remember that long-ago day when Justin told me and Craig that he loved you, more than anything else in his life; that all he wanted was to be with you.”

“He did? When?”

“It was the same day he came out to Craig. I had known for a little while, but at first Craig didn’t believe me when I told him. The next day, Craig was confronted by a few of his golf club cronies about how his son was openly gay at school. Craig tried to ground Justin that afternoon but after Justin made his speech, he left the house anyway. I suspect he was going out to find you. So you see, out of the mouths of babes is not just a figure of speech, Brian. At least not when it comes to Justin. You just have to remind him of what he wants. Remind him that it has always been you.”

She left my office, with a single kiss on my cheek and a promise to call when the offer was accepted. Once I heard the door click closed and her telling Cynthia to let me be for a little while, only then did I allow the tears to fall and the words bubble up from within. “It was always you too, Justin. Always.”

IN OR OUT CHAPTER 4:

MICHAEL

Fucking Ben didn’t come home last night. I mean, he calls himself, giving me an ultimatum and then disappears, like I’m some child who will just blindly follow his order. What’s worse is that no one is answering my calls, and no one is calling me to see how I’m doing. How dare they ignore me like this?! After everything I’ve done for them, how dare they treat me like I don’t matter? Even Monty and Eli were cold to me this morning. When I asked what their problem was, Eli told me that they didn’t like people who weren’t grateful for what they have. I wondered what the fuck was up with his caustic reply, until I heard the other whispers about what occurred at Woody’s last night.

Apparently, my wayward husband and best friend almost came to blows over the infamous blond trick. I can’t help but feel a bit jealous over the fact that they weren’t fighting over me. Well they were, but not in the way that would have displayed me in the best possible light. It wasn’t because Brian was jealous of Ben, but because Ben was jealous of Brian having my attention. Well that’s something at least, right? It would help if Ben was actually here, since he comes up with the best plans, which is what I really need right now. Everyone is off doing their own thing and it doesn’t include me. See? This is yet another reason why my friends need new partners!

The doorbell rings and I’m so tempted not to answer it. I’m just not in the mood to loan someone a cup of sugar that I will never get back. I mean the least they could do is offer me a piece of the cake they ran out of sugar fixing. The pure selfishness of people is astounding sometimes! Anyway, whoever is at the door has decided to lean on the bell until I answer. Rolling my eyes, I make my way across the room, hoping that it’s not one of the neighbors that I really can’t stand. When Ben and I moved into this neighborhood, I really thought it would give me status somehow. It did for me, but most of the time, I think people just tolerate me to get closer to him. After all these years, one would think that would have changed. I mean, I’m not that different from most of them. I’m a small business owner, a husband… basically I’m just like them, except that I have friends and a husband with money. And so what if I think their jobs are boring or that their life with children is monotonous. Just because Ben and I don’t have any, it doesn’t make us less than them. Besides if we had kids, I wouldn’t be able to hang out with my friends. That would be just plain unacceptable!

I look through the peephole to see which one of the moochers is at my front door this time. It’s with more than a little surprise that I see Ma standing there, as colorful as she wants to be. She looks pissed, which can only mean one thing to my mind: she’s already heard about the way Brian treated me last night. Deciding that she is just the balm for my wounded soul I need, I look into the mirror right next to the door. First I muss my hair, making it look like I’ve been pulling at it in frustration. Then I rub at my eyes to make them red. I giggle a little, thinking of the picture I’m going to look to her. When I poke out my lip, I realize that I still look a little too ‘normal’ so I stand there and think about having to miss the Comic con here in the Pitts next month due to the bullshit couples therapy bitchy-butch Mel ordered. After about two more minutes, I have my ‘needs sympathy’ look down to a science. I wrench open the door just in time to stop her from going down the stairs.

“Ma, what are you doing here?” I ask brokenly.

“Michael! Oh my poor baby! Come on, let’s sit down and talk.”

“I’m not much in the talking mood today, Ma.”

“I know Baby. I heard about what happened last night.”

“You did?” I knew she must have. I mean, she lives for the Tell-a-Queen network and that mostly happens at the Diner.

“Yeah I did. And don’t think I didn’t stop by Brian’s office before coming here to give him a piece of my mind.”

I force more tears to my eyes. “I can’t believe he’s treating me this way Ma. After everything… I just can’t believe how ungrateful he is. And it’s all because of that blond boy ass!”

“Now you leave Justin out of this, Michael.” As always, I can’t say anything about that fucking pain in my ass. Ohhhh….. I wish he’d just… “Justin has nothing to do with your problems with Brian. He’s not in your friendship, and it isn’t his fault that Brian is acting like an ungrateful little shit. He even let Jen talk down to me this morning!”

Okay wait, what? Jen’s involved in this? What the fuck is Boy Wonder’s mother doing in our business with Brian anyway? “Well I hope you told her off. She’s just like Justin in that she doesn’t know when to leave Brian alone.”

“Now don’t you worry none about Jen. Friends or no, no one insults my baby and gets away with it. Right now, Brian owes you an apology. I’m sure he’ll give it to you when he gets rid of whatever bug crawled up his ass today. In the meantime, where’s Ben? I need to speak with him about his attitude towards you as well.”

FINALLY! Finally, someone is getting it! “I don’t know where he is. He didn’t come home last night. Just gave me an ultimatum and left.”

“WHAT?!?! Well that’s just not going to be tolerated! The two of you are married; he’s not allowed to just walk out! And you’re his husband, not his child, he doesn’t get to order you around. That’s my job!”

“Exactly!” I shout before I realize what she just said. She doesn’t get to order me around either. I’m my own fucking man. But I can’t tell her that, since she’s the only one still talking to me right now. “Anyway, he wants me to go to this fucking resort for couples therapy.”

“Couples therapy? You and Ben are in couples therapy? What the fuck for?”

I tell her that Ben, Justin, Blake, and Drew weren’t happy with the Partner-free week vacation. “But that’s bullshit! They all agreed to give Brian, Ted, and Em their space, didn’t they?” At my silence and downcast eyes she repeats, “Didn’t they?”

“Not exactly Ma. Look, Ben and I had an argument about money and my friends the morning we took off. I wanted us to have a vacation; he said that we could do that, but without my friends. He just wanted to spend time with me. Well we do that here, so I asked him what was the point in spending all that money to do what we already do here in the house. Anyway things got ugly and I told him that I was going to go with my friends; that I thought he needed to stay behind and think about what was really important to him, since my friends were important to me. When we got back, I found out that Ben and the others had been spending time and hanging out while the guys and I were gone. I didn’t like it. Long story short, we had a big argument in the middle of Le Mont. The police were called because it almost came to blows and so we’re all in counseling.” I left out key pieces of information, which she really didn’t need to know, like the real reasons of how and why things had gotten so bad for the other couples. I couldn’t tell her that I was doing everything I could to break them up so that I could have my friends’ full attention back. She wouldn’t understand.

“Well, although you were wrong for how you treated Ben about taking a vacation with just the two of you, that’s still no reason for him to stay out all night and issue ultimatums. I’m going to have Carl check into where Ben stayed last night. Where is this resort you’re supposed to be going to anyway?”

“That’s the thing, Ma. I really don’t know. And the others aren’t going, so it’s going to be boring as shit. Looks like Ben is getting his way anyhow.” I pout and fold my arms. “He said that if I don’t get on the plane, he’s going and when he gets back, our marriage will be over.”

“What? Just like that? Well then Michael, you know what you have to do.”

“Look for the best divorce attorney money can buy?”

“Don’t be a smartass!” She really thinks I’m kidding. I’m not! “You have to do whatever you have to do to save your marriage. You don’t want to end up alone, do you?”

“I won’t be alone! I’ll have Brian… and Ted and Emmett.” I hope she didn’t catch that hesitation after I said Brian’s name. That’s another can of worms that I don’t want to open with her.

“But Michael, they aren’t going to keep you warm at night.” Brian will, I think to myself even as she goes on with her thought. “It’s obvious that they are trying to fix things with their own partners. Now if I see Ben, I will send his ass home to apologize to you for the way he’s been acting. He’s acting like a spoiled brat and I have to say that I’m surprised at him. Well that shit stops now. Have a good trip Baby.”

She kisses me on my cheek and is gone before I have a chance to dispute what she says. Looks like if I want to keep her on my side, I better be on that fucking plane. Well at least I’ll get a free trip out of it, and have the time to think up new ways to separate my friends from their balls and chains when I get back. Perhaps there is a silver lining to the dark cloud that is my life after all!

THE WIFE OR THE MISTRESS CHAPTER 4:

BLAKE

“You have to tell him Blake.”

“He’s right Blake. You have to tell Ted.”

Both Drew and Diane have been on me since we got back to the hotel early this morning to call Ted. Now it’s one in the afternoon and they still won’t let it go. Okay, so deep down, I know they’re right. But all I can think is that he’ll run and tell Michael. Then I’ll not only be the broke Tweaked-Out Twinkie but now I’ll be Trust-fund Tweaked-Out Twinkie. If he shits all over my grandfather’s memory like that, I know I’ll be using part of my newfound riches to bail me out and get a criminal lawyer. I’ll surely kill the little fuckwad!

“Okay so how about this… we tell Brian, Justin, Em, or Ben to tell Ted?” Drew suggests. “That way they will know if Michael is around not to say anything.”

“But shouldn’t it come from me?” I ask.

“Yeah it should! But since you aren’t of a mind to do what’s right, your friends are willing to help you out. Let them!” Diane yells at me.  

“Okay, okay. Fine, let’s get Justin on the phone. I trust his judgment on how to keep that little whining turd away from the financial part of a relationship.”

“How do you figure?” Drew asks, and I smile.

“He still hasn’t figured out Justin’s individual net worth yet. When he does, he’ll shit bricks and piss buckets. All he sees is Justin living off of Brian. When he figures out that the kid, who was tossed out of his home with basically nothing but the clothes on his back, and blocked access to his trust fund, manages to make seven figures a year and has been doing so for at least the last six years, there won’t be enough Scott tissue in the Northeast to wipe his scrawny ass.”

Drew and Diane fell out laughing at the imagery. “Well then, I guess we should call Justin. I know he’s been worried about you.”

“And I appreciate it. He is more than Ted obviously.” I drop my eyes, staring into my coffee.

“I doubt it. Ted is probably calls himself giving you your space. You and he didn’t exactly part ways under the best of circumstances. I can guarantee you that it’s not like it was when we couldn’t reach them while they were away during their cursed vacation. I’m still mad at Emmett, don’t get me wrong, but I refuse to let that conniving weasel he calls a friend win. Em told me that he spoke to Melanie…”

“Who’s Melanie?” Diane asks.

“She’s the judge who ordered us into couples counseling. We’ve known her for a long time and then she moved to Canada with her ex-partner Lindsay. She’s since moved back to the Pitts and has taken a family court judicial position. We all used to be really close but…”

“Things happen and people change,” I finish for him.

“I think it took her getting away from the ‘family’ to really get a clear picture of everyone,” Drew tells us.

“Maybe,” I say quietly, thinking that maybe I should…

“No you shouldn’t,” Drew cuts into my thoughts.

“But…”

“No buts, Squirt. Most days, you and Ben are our voices of reason. Without you, I think Justin would have resorted to murder, especially last weekend. I still don’t know how you kept him from knocking the fuck out of Michael.”

I chuckled. “It was a close call, let me tell you. I just mentioned that his little blond ass couldn’t go to prison because they didn’t allow conjugal visits from Brian. Calmed his furious ass down to a slow simmer.”

“Yeah, I guess it would have.”

“Who’s Brian?” Diane asks. Instead of trying to tell her, I pulled up an article about Brian Kinney and Justin Taylor from a Fortune 500 article done about them a few years back. “Yowsers! That’s them?!”

“Yeah it is.”

“Jesus! They make me want to turn straight just to sample the goods,” Diane says.

“Wait a minute? You’re… you’re…”

“A ‘lipstick’ lesbian, a carpet-muncher, a dyke- you can take your pick of what to call me. Grampy’s gift did so much more for me than you will ever know.”

“Did he know?” Drew asks as I’m still in shock.

“Yeah he did. But unlike Blake, it was easier for me to hide it. I tend to go for the pretty type instead of the bonafide butch, so it made bringing them around as ‘friends’ a lot more believable.”

“So is there someone special then?” I ask, finally recovering my voice.

“There was someone who I thought was special, but she isn’t. Besides, she’s deeply entrenched in the closet, even though she isn’t married with kids or anything. She doesn’t want to leave here and I certainly don’t want to stay. We’re still friends but we want different things. She’s currently waiting for her father to die off so she can inherit his millions and live the way she wants to. If Gramps didn’t get so sick suddenly, he was going to arrange for me to move to Chicago at the end of the year. So I guess everything worked out as it should have.” She finished sadly. And yeah, I know exactly how she feels. There’s always going to be a hole in my heart for that man. Snapping out of her melancholy, she pushes my phone back to me. “You need to make that phone call now, Blakie. No more stalling.”

I sigh deeply, preparing myself for it. It’s not just having to utter the words about Grampy’s death, but having to face my new reality as a millionaire that is daunting. I’ve never been the type of person who even dreamed of being a millionaire; was just happy to be good old Blake. So this is something that I have to get used to and quickly. I wait for the phone to ring, wondering if he’s in a meeting or not. It’s the middle of the week and I know that the schedule is usually set up like that. So I’m actually surprised when he answers the phone.

“Hey Ted. Listen... I’m a millionaire…”

FIRE AND ICE CHAPTER 4:

DREW

I am so proud of Squirt. He’s manning up and calling the person he should. I know it took a lot of guts for him to dial Ted’s number. Maybe in all their talking about ‘business’ they will also manage a little time to talk about them. Speaking of which… I know that I have to follow my own advice and call Emmett. I know that he was relieved to hear from me last night; I just hope it hasn’t turned to anger yet.

I pick up my cellphone, preparing to dial when I notice the message envelope flashing telling me that there is a new message. Retrieving the voicemail, I’m surprised to hear Duke’s voice in the receiver asking me to call him right away. I excuse myself from Diane, who is inconspicuously listening in on her brother’s conversation. I chuckle, thinking I really like them. If I had a sister, I wouldn’t mind one like Diane. I’m very happy that they have found each other again, at long last.

I move to the terrace so that I can still keep one ear in the living room, in case Squirt needs me. Settling myself into one of the comfortable armchairs out there, I go ahead and place the call back to Duke. After it rings a few times, I’m thinking that it’s about to go to voicemail, but he picks up. “Hey Duke, it’s Drew. You called me?”

“Yeah I did. First, how are things in Florida with Blake?” I can hear the tightness in his voice but I ignore it.

“Things are fine. His grandfather passed away in the early hours of this morning. His sister is here with us now.”

That took the sanctimonious wind out of his sails. “I’m sorry to hear that. You will give him my condolences, won’t you?”

“Sure thing. So what else did you want to speak to me about.” I like Duke, I really do, but if this is just to plead Emmett’s case for his inaction in the conference room…

“The other counselors and I were talking. We all agree that the environment here in Pittsburgh would be counterproductive to your goals as a couple. More accurately, it wouldn’t be conducive to deciding whether you even like each other anymore, let alone love. So we’ve decided that it would be beneficial to each couple if you all went to a resort called Seascape.”

I take a moment to absorb what he says. All of us, at a resort, surrounded by water and no escape from… “Sorry Duke but that’s not going to work.”

“Why not?”

“Because if Justin, Blake, or myself, is anywhere near Michael Novotny-Bruckner and a body of water, we’ll all do our best to drown the little fucker!”

Instead of being angry, Duke laughed loud and long at the idea. He sobers after a while and says, “That’s not going to be a problem.”

“What? I can drown him and not be arrested for it?”

He chuckles again but answers, “No, you can’t. But the way the resort is set up, you will have almost little to no chance of seeing him.”

“What do you mean? How will you manage that?” My interest is definitely piqued.

“You all will be given villas on opposite ends of the island. Each area is like its own little resort with pools, restaurants, nightclubs- all the amenities that a resort has. Although the property is joined by a main hotel in the center of the island, it is virtually impossible to walk there. The same goes for the areas between the villas. You may run into each other in the center of the resort where the main shops and conference rooms are, but other than that, you are basically in seclusion from the other couples. There will be other couples there, either on vacation or in therapy much like yourselves, but as for your friends, it is highly doubtful that you will see each other all that much.”

I like the sound of this place. “How long would we be gone?”

“At least a month, depending on the severity. Also the villas are soundproofed, so you can fuck or fight without the entire island knowing your business. We also realize that a few of you will have to be away on business, so you’ll travel together so that even while you aren’t on the island, your therapy will not be on hold.”

“Who thought up this idea?”

“Between Judge Marcus, Dr. Wilder, and Dr. Monroe, they developed this place along with a mutual friend. So far it’s been successful in getting the couples to either stay together or part on good terms. It gives everyone a way to say what has to be said  and to make solid decisions for themselves, without the added pressure of expectation.”

“Which is exactly what we would be, weighed down in the ‘Burgh. Debbie alone can put the most extreme pressure on us by delivering her view of what’s right or wrong. I really feel sorry for Ben.”

“I know, us too. But he’s said that with or without Michael he is going. I suspect there is a lot more to his decision than just deciding if he wants to be married to Michael or not.”

“Honestly, I got that feeling too last week. I hope that whatever decision he comes to, it will be the best for him. But have you spoken to Emmett about this yet?” Because unlike Ben, if he doesn’t go, then I won’t.

“As a matter of fact, Judge Marcus called him personally. He’s said that he would talk to you but I think it’s a surety that he’s going to go to the resort. I know that he’s currently in a meeting with Darren about schedules and the like.”

“That means he’s made his decision to go. So therefore, I’m in. I have to move around a couple of things since I want to be on the island at least a week before I have to fly out. This will be as close to a vacation as Em and I have had together in a long time.”

“Well then, at least there’s that. I won’t promise that it will be all rainbows, unicorns, and instant love. It’s going to be hard fucking work, Drew. You guys have managed to get so far off-course that it may take awhile to get back to complete happiness. But if you’ll put in the work, I’ll at least see you through to the finish.”

I finished up my phone call with him, feeling more hopeful and happy than I have in days. Yeah, it’s going to be raw, gritty, and messy. Em will probably shed a lot of tears and I’ll probably roar louder than any lion or bear. But we’ll be fighting for us together. And that makes it worth it.

BEFORE I LET GO: CHAPTER 5

ALEX:

I arrive at Liberty Diner, thoroughly pissed off! How dare she? How fucking dare she?! I swear between her and her son, neither should ever have become a zygote in their mother’s wombs. This definitely proves that traits such as temperament are indeed hereditary. I take a seat at the back booth, waiting for my turn to speak with the bane of my existence. What’s worse is that I didn’t even hear of the issue from my clients, but from Cynthia, who was on the verge of needing a psych eval due to being arrested for murder. I told her that the temporary insanity plea might have worked had Jennifer Taylor not been within Brian’s office. I really can’t wait to get Brian and Justin away from here for their sake...and my own.

“What can I get ya?”

I look up to see where the harsh voice originated from. I already feel the curl of my lip at her appearance, but I smooth my face over into a mask of indifference. Brian Kinney may have mastered the look, but like Justin, I was born into it. The WASP nest had many uses; this is clearly one of them. “Deb, I would like to speak with you. Please have a seat.”

“Only for a moment. My feet are already killing me and my shift just started.”

“I imagine they would be with your run all over town this morning.” I cut right into it. If she’s looking for sympathy, she’ll get none from me. From what I’ve seen over the years, she and her manipulative offspring get off on it. “Why exactly did you feel the need to go into Kinnetik? Brian’s personal business is just that...his.”

“Bullshit! We’re family. That means that if one has a problem we all have them. Besides, I didn’t like the way he was treating my son!”

“Oh, but by what you just said, you’re all family.” I couldn’t stop the sneer that time and I wasn’t going to try. “If that is the case, has it occurred to you that your son might be the one causing his own issues?”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!”

“It means that before you run around town, offering unsolicited opinions, and trying to fix your son’s continuous fuck-ups, you should at least ask questions and get the facts, not hurl accusations.”

“So because Brian ran to you, now you think you have all the answers? Boy, did he snow you.”

I take a calming breath before I imagine being co-defendants with Cynthia. “For the record, Brian didn’t call me about your behavior, someone else did. Deb, I know that you love Michael for whatever reason you do, beyond giving birth to him. But let’s face it… he’s sabotaging his relationship with Ben and in the process trying to dismember those of his friends.”

“Like hell he is! Michael loves Ben!”

“Michael loves himself! And if you would open your eyes and stop allowing him to use the same guilt you apply to everyone else on you, maybe you would see just how immature, selfish, deceitful, and manipulative he is. But that’s your choice. I’m here for one reason and one reason only, and that’s to tell you to stay away from Brian and Justin. They have enough to deal with between their businesses and each other, that they don’t need the bullshit you and your son bring into their lives.”

“What? What is happening with them? I have a right to know!”

“No, you don’t! That’s what you and Michael can’t seem to get through your heads. They are not your business. If they want to involve you, fine, since then it’s their choice. But I happen to know that they don’t. So mind your own life before you lose your new husband while you’re preoccupied with everyone else.”

Before she could spew a retort back at me, she’s interrupted by a quiet voice to her left. “He’s right, Deb.” Carl tells her. “I don’t know how many times I have told you this, but now I’m just about ready to walk. I married you for better or worse, it’s true. But I did not sign on as a lapdog or doormat. Michael, Michael, Michael is all I ever hear. It’s like you are still nursing a thirty-five year old man and can’t seem to stop. It’s time to let him grow up and live in his own reality, not the one you’re trying to make for him.”

“So you would leave me?”

“Is that all you heard of what I said? Deb, I want you. I love being married to you. But I don’t love being married to Michael’s mother. You remember when we started dating? How unhappy he was then?”

“Yes. But he’s grown out of that childish jealousy; he’s come around.”

“Is that what you think? Well let me tell you, he hasn’t. Whenever you are not in earshot, he feels the need to instruct me that I will not do A, B, C, D, and E. Or my favorite lately has been when he tells me that it’s only a matter of time until you see that I was a mistake.”

“No! That’s not true and you know it!”

“Don’t I? Besides, what do I have to gain by lying to you? I never have before, unless it’s by omission, and I won’t start now by commission. And I’m not the only one he speaks his brand of shit to. Blake and Justin have been taking it for a long time. I suspect that although he never says it directly to Drew because he’d get the shit beat out of him, he’s at least thought it or said it in within the safety of his own home. It’s time you realize that the ‘lovely boy’ you want to believe you raised, is a myth of your own overactive imagination. Michael is mean, spiteful, selfish, arrogant, and a chronic nuisance to my sanity. It’s okay that you love him; I would never deny you that. But stop living his life and covering his mistakes for him. You owe it to yourself- to me as your husband- to put us and our relationship first. Michael has no place in it! So if you want to be married to your son, I’ll politely step aside and allow that. But what I will not do is remain a bed-warmer with no say in how I want my marriage with you to be. The choice is yours.”

I choose that moment to get up from the table. “Well Deb, I guess you can’t deny what you’ve heard with your own ears, coming from the man you supposedly love.”

“I do love Carl,” she says tearfully while turning to him. “I do, you know.”

“I know you do Red.” He answers, holding her close.

“Then I guess you know what you need to do Deb, and that’s put Carl first, for a change. Michael is a grown man. It’s time for you to let him be one.”

“But I’ve always…”

“Protected him? Sheltered him? Lived for him? Yes, you’ve done all those things and more. But it’s been at the expense of yourself and the others you call family. Don’t you think it’s time that you start living for yourself? Shouldn’t you now be providing your husband with mental and emotional shelter, protecting him, and living for him, the way Carl does for you?”

She nods at me while staring up at him. “I’ll do better.”

“That’s all I can ask, Red. And I’ll pull your coattail every time I see you about to misstep. I want the rest of our lives to be happy and safe. Both of us have been alone too long; we’ve searched too long for each other, even if we didn’t know we were looking. It’s time to enjoy what we’ve found, okay?”

She smiles. “Okay.”

She no longer looks as haggard as when I’d first saw her a short while ago. I don’t know why, but I have the feeling that she didn’t only see Brian this morning. “Deb, is there anything else I should know about what happened?”

“Other than Jennifer telling me off this morning, and finding out that Ben didn’t go home last night… nothing. Michael was really upset about it though.”

Somehow I doubt that, but I didn’t say that to her. “Have you seen Ben?”

“No. I went by his office but he wasn’t in there. I would imagine that he was teaching a class. I left a message with his receptionist for him to call me when he’s done.”

“I wouldn’t be expecting that call, Deb.”

“And why the fuck not?!” She gets indignant again before taking a calming breath. “Another thing that’s not my business, right?”

“That’s correct, Deb. But for better or worse, Ben and Michael will work it out.”

“I hope so. Michael doesn’t think they will though. He was so distraught when I saw him this morning. He said something about an island…”

I know she’s fishing for information, but I’ll at least tell her this much. “Yes. Michael and Ben will be going to an island to work out their issues in relative privacy. They can’t do that here since both of them are so well known.” I won’t tell her that the other couples are also going or that it’s mainly because of her that they need to. She’s been given enough of a verbal lashing for one day, I think.

“Well hopefully they will work it out. They fought so hard to be together.”

Again, I clamp down on my inclination to tell her that it’s because of her that they did. If there was one thing I was learning about Michael Novotny-Bruckner other than that he invents these dramas, it’s that he also does things for shock value. “Well given the time, I think they will come to the right conclusion for themselves and each other,” I say diplomatically before taking my leave.

STAYING or GOING: CHAPTER 5

JUSTIN:

The ringing of the doorbell surprises me. Brian has his key so I know it’s not him, unless he’s forgotten them. But I’ve never met a man more anal in my life about his things. Every morning it’s the same routine in reference to how he makes sure he has the things he needs before walking out the door. Suit of armor, be it Armani, Boss, or Prada, a splash of aftershave, two quick sprays of cologne, gather briefcase, put necessary files in said briefcase, grab coffee, pocket cellphone, grab keys, lock the door and set the alarm then gone. No matter which residence or hotel we stay in, the process is always the same, which is why I know whomever is at my door, is certainly not Brian.

I just arrived here about two hours ago from staying in the hotel last night. Ben did show up. After talking for what seemed like forever, we both headed to bed. Him on the sofa, and me on my lonely bed for the evening. I laid there thinking about the events of the night and found that I couldn’t sleep much. So I left Ben a note saying that he was welcome to use the suite up until our departure and that if he needed anything to call me. I rode around, even as dark became dawn and found myself at the little cabin where Brian and I had decided what I wanted to do with my career after New York. The thing that struck me the most was that we hadn’t made the monumental decision at the loft or here at Britin. It was somewhere where no one could find us; somewhere where our joined memories were not tainted by the ghosts of others. And that got me to thinking that maybe this island paradise we were going to would work the same way the cabin did.  It would provide a safe haven where Brian and I could say what we wanted, without having to worry about it lingering in our shared space afterwards.

The thought lingered in my mind even as I opened the door. “Mom, hello. What are you doing here?”

“And hello to you too Darling. As for what I’m doing here, I figured that you would be here, so why not come over and see you. Am I interrupting anything?” She asks me while looking around.

I’m not exactly sure why that bothers me at the moment. Was she expecting to find a trick or something? Granted, it is mine and Brian’s form of pain management. Or it used to be at any rate, but things have changed drastically since the early days. For one, Brian and I agreed that whereas the loft was open territory, this house was not. This is our home. The loft is too, but this is the area where no one comes but us. It took over four years for the family to even know about this place. Except for my mother and Ted who had been here because of real estate business, no one knew of its existence until we were ready to share it publicly. It was another two years before we allowed anyone to visit. I’m happy to say that the only person who has not seen Britin is Michael, having refused to come because he would be faced with the fact that Brian bought it for me. Of course, he said that he didn’t want to see the evidence of Brian Kinney turning into a Stepford fag. Brian and I shrugged his insult off as mere jealousy. What else could it have possibly been?

“No Mom, you’re not interrupting. I haven’t been too long got here myself.”

“Oh, where have you been?”

Now I know this is leading up to something so instead of answering her right away, I lead her into the kitchen. Making us both cups of coffee, I also pull out the coffee cake that I made myself yesterday and heated a few pieces. It has always been one of my go-to comfort foods. “So… where have I been? Thinking mostly, working mainly and painting a little.”

“Well that’s great honey. But I think you know that that’s not exactly the question I’m asking, don’t you?”

I sigh and close my eyes. Someone talked and I think I know exactly who it was. “When did you see Deb?”

She smirked at me. “This morning… at Brian’s office. I was surprised that you weren’t there.”

“I finished up the immediate stuff yesterday so I figured I’d take a few days off.”

It was her turn to sigh apparently. “Why do you and Brian keep having me channel Daphne today?”

I laughed. “What are you talking about?”

“You and Brian… hell even Deb, seem to think that I’m oblivious to the fact that you and Brian are having some… problems. Now don’t worry Justin, I’m not going to tell you what to do. I’m not Debbie and I know that I don’t have to lead you by the hand through life. But I am going to give you some advice, unsolicited or not. Do your best to fix things between you and Brian. You’ve both seen and been through so much. You have a love between you that defies all reason, but gives the people around you hope that there is someone out there who loves them just as much. Don’t let your pride and a veritable pain in the ass take that away from you. Hell Justin, you’ve survived people trying to kill you and Brian’s illness, Los Angeles, New York, a jealous bitch, and a fractious fiend, who has consistently tried to break the two of you up while calling himself a friend. Only you and Brian have the power to make or break you. Don’t give that up. And remember that if you both ever need me, I’m always around for you.”

As she spoke, I felt the tears come unbidden to my eyes. I wasn’t aware that they had spilled over until she reached over to brush them. I know I probably sound like a Mama’s boy right now, but I can honestly say, that I’ve missed her touch. She always had a way of soothing me, even when I didn’t know that I needed it. Thinking back to after the bashing, I know that it killed her not to be able to take away my hurt, even as she put my own needs to be with Brian ahead of hers. I remember the first day I had been able to go out by myself. It was the day after Brian made me find him through a crowd of people on Liberty Avenue at the busiest time of day. That was one of the most tremendous moments of my life. But what I really loved was that the next day, I went to Mom’s office- walked there from the loft all by myself. I don’t think I had ever seen Mom cry so many happy tears in my life and I remember smiling because I was the one who had put them there.

From that day to this one, there were so many turning points in the relationship between Mom and Brian. She went from blaming him, to hating him, to respecting him, to liking him, and ultimately loving him as much as she loves me. Sometimes, I think she loves him more to be honest. So as she sat there and laid out how she views Brian and I, the mask of indifference that I’d been wearing for more moments than I could count, slipped. “Mom, I’m not sure that Brian and I can fix it. I promised that I would try but… well, you know sometimes it’s better...”

“Don’t you dare say that sometimes it’s better to cut your losses and move on, Justin Cole Taylor!” she yells and I have to say that even I am surprised by her venom. “Your father… lost cause, Brian Kinney is NOT! Don’t you dare paint them with the same brush.”

“Whoa… who says I am?”

“You are and you don’t even realize it. Do you remember when you told Craig and I that all you wanted was to be with Brian Kinney? Has that changed?”

“No, but we have.”

“Of course you have, both physically and emotionally, but has the ultimate goal changed for you? Because I can tell you right now, that it hasn’t changed for Brian. All those times you fought against everyone for him, fought him for his heart, and you mean to tell me that because you’re hurt, angry, and disappointed for whatever fucking reason, that you are now going to throw in the towel? Well fuck that! I would rather Brian be alone than be miserable with you!”

“Mom, what the hell are you saying? I’m your son!”

“Then ACT LIKE IT! My son, Justin Taylor, never gives up. My son, Justin Taylor, has always had a fighting spirit. My son, Justin Taylor, would be telling the proverbial Novotnys of this world, especially that loudmouth little louse Michael, to go fuck themselves with a rusty dildo but he would NOT give up the fight when he hasn’t even thrown the first punch! Where the fuck is MY SON?!”

I was blown away by her outburst. My mom has always been mild-mannered and soft-spoken. But when did she become my own love life’s Norma Rae? But wait… “A rusty dildo? Wow Mom! You really don’t like him very much, do you?”

“I can’t stand the little punkass, even if I love Deb like a sister most of the time. He’s a wimp, who hides behind his mother’s apron. But he’s also very smart to do so. He maneuvers and manipulates in such a way where none of you- not ONE of you- goes against him for fear or out of respect for Deb. I’m not sure which one it is. You used to, so my question is, why did you stop?”

“I’m tired of having to, Mom. When there are eight of us and I’m the only one pushing back for years, it gets tiring. When not even my husband backs his supposed best friend off of me, but instead chooses to pretend that he doesn’t see what Michael is doing, well then who do I become, besides the convenient bedwarmer he calls me?”

“Oh honey,” she says and I think she’s finally beginning to understand all that I haven’t said to her over the years. “You know that you are so much more to Brian than a title.”

“I used to think so; I would like to believe that I am but sometimes…”

“I know since I was married to Craig. Believe it or not, he and Michael are a lot alike. They hide their meanness behind this facade of public joking, when in reality they mean every single belittlement they throw your way. As to Brian not defending you, well you have to ask him why he doesn’t. I suspect the answer would surprise you.”

“You and he have talked about this?”

“Not necessarily at length, but let’s say that I’m extremely observant. I’ve glimpsed into the Brian Kinney Operating Manual myself a time or two. But when that’s happened is for me to know and for you to find out, if you ask the right questions that is.”

Okay, Mom being cryptic is not a good thing. She really has taken lessons from Daph. “So you aren’t going to tell me. I guess this trip is the only way of finding out what I need to know.”

“Oh, you know already Justin. Somehow, you’ve just forgotten what to look for and how to listen. Remember what happened the last time that you did?”

I close my eyes and sigh. “Ethan.”

“That’s right. Ethan. And although I know that you and Brian aren’t exclusive, it wouldn’t take but one slip up for another fiddler to fuck the two of you up. Don’t let Michael Novotny-Bruckner become your fiddler, okay?”

I hug her before she leaves after she thanks me for the coffee cake and warns me to lay off it. I can’t help but snicker, knowing that in her mind, there should be no need for me to continually indulge in my preferred comfort food. It’s strange, but talking to my mom helped me put a lot of my jumbled thoughts in order. By no means are Brian and I fixed, but with her reminding me of who I’ve always been, I think there is a chance. I can’t imagine where I’ve lost myself in all of this.

It’s pretty telling that I’ll risk everything in business, working in only small chances that I’ll succeed. Yet, the impetuous youth I was seems to have died when I officially won Brian. The borderline arrogant, self-assured young man I became seems to have lost his zest for fighting for what I wanted. Strangely, it wasn’t that I’ve felt entitled to anything, but I’ve somehow come to expect it all the same. Did it happen when Brian and I finally decided to get married? Did I leave that part of myself on the altar of broken dreams now fulfilled? Have I basically become my own Michael, waiting and expecting for the impossible to occur then whining and complaining when it hasn’t or won’t happen? And when the fuck did I become so complacent in my own downfall? Well I’ve already achieved the impossible. I have the love and respect of Brian Kinney. The question is am I close to losing it?

Brian and I took a wrong turn somewhere. It wasn’t intentional but one wrong turn somehow became two until it became a series of them. I know that although Michael isn’t completely at fault, he’s certainly capitalized on our mistakes and there have been plenty of those. But I know that if Brian and I figure out where exactly we started to go wrong, we’ll be able to see our way clear. Either together or separately, Brian and I will always be friends. It’s what the whole saga of Brian Kinney and Justin Taylor was built on before we became the Taylor-Kinneys. Sex was only a small part of our story, contrary to popular opinion. It’s always been great but it’s such a miniscule increment of the total picture. I’ve always been able to talk to Brian, whether I thought so or not; whether he appeared to listen or not. But lately, we aren’t hearing each other. We’re not listening with every part of us, not just our ears. We used to do that. And that is what we need to get back to. We need to become the real best friends that we have always been to each other. Whether we can get back there or not will be the only real way to determine if I’m staying or going.

IN or OUT: CHAPTER 5

BEN

I look at my cellphone yet again, rolling my eyes as the name Michael flashes across the screen. Even if I wanted to answer him, which I don’t, I can’t leave here just yet since I’m proctoring this final. I’m working on my laptop, while I sit here, giving my latest manuscript the once over before I hit submit. My editor seems to think that this is another best seller, even though I haven’t written the complete ending yet. It’s only the second draft.

The irony of this is that this book called “Seconds” is something I was working on before I began working on “The Gift Giver”. That book, although fiction, was based in fact. So is this one, but who the hell knew that I would end up living the life of my characters for real? One would think that I would burn this book and never pick it up again since it’s about a man who always seems to be the runner-up in his relationships. I started it just after I was diagnosed, weeks after I had found out about Peter and James. I thought it was a good way to channel all of the negative emotions I was feeling at being second best and ending up positive because of it. Lo and behold, a man who doesn’t learn from his past is doomed to repeat it, which is exactly what I’m feeling I have done right now. Only this time, the replacement has married his abuser. Yes, I’m talking about me and Michael while still trying to figure out how I didn’t see it.

The funny thing is that all the signs were there right from the start. Wanna go out? Let me call Brian. Wanna watch tv? Let me call Brian. Do you have to use the shower before I get in? No, I have to call Brian. What do you want for dinner? Let me call Brian and see if he wants to go out. What are you wearing? I’m out with Brian, silly, I’ll call you back. Can’t we talk about something other than Brian? Sure but Brian… Brian, Brian, Briaaaaaannnnnn!! It’s all I’ve heard for years. And I don’t know what’s worse. Knowing that the man I married is still hung up on his best friend all these years later, or not leaving when it was evident that I was second place right from the start?

Don’t get me wrong… for the most part I have nothing against Brian Kinney. He’s an in-your-face, tell-it-like-it-is, arrogant son of a bitch, but he’s honest in ways that many of us aren’t. He doesn’t allow himself to make excuses or apologize profusely for being who he is. You either love him or hate him, but one thing you are never allowed to feel about him is ambiguous. So let me go on record by saying, I love Brian Kinney and I admire him greatly for the man he is. But because of my warped view of who he is through Michael’s continued hero-worship, I don’t know how I feel about him right now.

In one breath, I blame him. He should have stomped on Michael’s feelings for him long ago instead of handling him with kid gloves. But then I look at the facts and see that he’s never encouraged Michael, only held him close, in a sense protecting Michael. I don’t know much about the David situation, except that Brian didn’t agree that Michael should be a living Ken doll for the doctor to play with. He felt that Michael was being used as a trophy, someone to look pretty but not speak. Between us, considering the things that come out of Michael’s mouth when he does, I can attest to thinking he should have a muzzle most times. But I laugh and brush it off or try to clean his words up as if it was simply spilled milk. I see now that Brian was doing what I am also guilty of on many occasions, which is excusing Michael and covering for him. I guess one could say that Brian was doing my job and yet not…

I don’t know all of the specifics beyond what Michael has told me, which is that Brian has always taken care of him. I know that he would go against the bullies on Michael’s behalf, saying that he was much more used to the pain than Michael was. I also know that Brian saw it as payback for having a safe haven when his own homelife went to shit. So in theory, I can understand why Brian does the things he does for Michael. What I don’t understand is Michael’s motive for still having Brian do them. And Debbie doesn’t help it any with her constant talk of how Brian owes her and Michael. To me and I’m sure to Justin, Blake, and Drew, it’s a debt that’s been paid in blood many times over.  

My thoughts are interrupted by the last person I thought to see today. “Professor, a word?”

Speak- or in my case think- of the devil and he will appear apparently. “Sure Brian. Can you give me a few minutes? I just have to close out the test on the computer.”

He nods and goes to wait across the hall. I find it funny that he looks more like a college professor than I do at this moment, with his suit pressed and his ever-present freshly finger-fucked hair. It’s amazing that he has that look regardless of what time of day it is. He always looks like he’s either gotten laid, is getting ready to go get laid, or has been reliving the laying. I chuckle at my wayward thoughts, remembering just how Brian Kinney and I met for the very first time. Boy did Michael have a shit fit about the fact that Brian fucked me, more than once in the same night. It kind of puts a different spin on what I’ve been feeling about being in second place within my marriage… well at least it does for right now.

As I alight from the room, I laugh heartily as I hear Brian tell a persistent student. “My husband would be glad to fuck me in front of you and then kill you for the enjoyment of watching. Run along to your next class and grow up. I’ve seen five-year olds with better pick-up lines.” He notices me watching and smirks. I swear the son of a bitch could charm the underwear off of angels. Hell, he’s got Justin, so it must be true.

“Delivering your own brand of higher education I see, Brian.”

“No use contributing to the delinquency of a minor… well, again.” He snickers briefly but then grows serious. “Are you free for lunch?”

“Yeah, just let me put my laptop down and we can go.”

“That’s shocking. I thought with you being the organic writer and all, you would be sporting a pencil and notebook.”

“That’s true and I still prefer to use them when the laptop isn’t available. But lately, I find that staring into the screen watching my words litter the white background is just as satisfying.”

“Then you might as well bring it with you. You never know when the mood will strike to write, or so I’ve heard.”

“That’s true. I think I remember telling you what creation does.” We both laugh at that.

“Yeah well as long as you keep your hard on to yourself, we won’t have any problems.”

We head over to the cafe just down the street from campus. I’m surprised when we passed Brian’s car parked in one of the spaces. “This isn’t as impromptu as I thought since your car is here.”

“Yeah. I thought I would take a chance to speak with you. Let’s grab a table and I’ll explain.” We opt for the corner of the cafe in the back, visible enough to be seen but private enough not to be heard. He orders a coffee and tells me that he expects me to eat enough for both of us. As soon as the waitress leaves, he begins. “First, I owe you an apology for last night. Yes you heard right, so mark this down in your calendar because it will probably never happen again.”

I chuckle but understand why he’s doing this. “Brian, there’s no need for the apology, although I appreciate it greatly. We are all running on high-emotions lately.”

“True, but that’s no excuse for what I thought when I saw you and Justin dancing together. Justin’s danced with plenty of men before but…”

“I get it. Justin brings all of those possessive instincts you keep so well hidden to the fore. But Brian, you have to know that Justin and I have never looked at each other like that. Until recently, we’ve barely had the chance to have a really proper conversation that didn’t include family dinners.”

“I know. It’s just that lately Justin and I aren’t on the same page. We seem to be growing more distant every single minute. What’s telling is that I’m sitting here sounding like a lesbian in front of you and all you’re doing is nodding in understanding and trying to reassure me. What does that say about me?”

“That you’re human. And that I can finally see and understand that you are. Brian, there is so many layers to what we all are going through personally and collectively. Justin and I had a long talk about it last night, both before you arrived at Woody’s and after I got to the hotel. At some point last night, he left me a note and said that he was going to take a drive then go out to the house. It wasn’t what he said but you could still feel the despondency of when it was written. I think there is something that neither of you have been able to put your fingers on that is causing this… rift between you. Find it and you’ll find your way back.”

“You sound so sure, but what about you and Michael? Shouldn’t that be advice that you’re following too?”

I had to think about that for a moment. Is there any hope for Michael and I to regain what we’ve lost? Did we really ever have anything in the first place? “I honestly don’t know, Brian. It’s not that I don’t love Michael, I do. But there’s only so much I can take. You’ve unknowingly been the third person in my marriage, and I’m beginning to realize that you’ve been there from the beginning. I’m not talking about being Michael’s friend, but his feelings towards you beyond that. I’m not sure what his motives are at this point or my value to him beyond sex and my checkbook.”

Strangely, he doesn’t shake his head, but nods. “Between you and I, we’ve been taking care of Michael in all the ways that make his life complete. It took Emmett talking to me last night for me to see that.”

“It’s part of the reason you all had a partner-free week. By the way, why didn’t any of you answer your phones?”

“What are you talking about? None of our phones rung. I know for a fact when I tried to call Justin, he didn’t answer. I even texted him a couple of times and still no response.”

“Well I don’t know why the text messages weren’t received, but I do know that when your partners tried to call, numerous times, their calls went straight to voicemail.” I can tell that my words are having the desired effect on him. “Did Michael happen to tell you what we argued about?”

He shook his head. “No, I was preoccupied with my own issues and didn’t want to hear his. I know that Ted and Em tried to get it out of him but he seemed to be waiting for something.”

“Probably waiting for you to pay attention,” I mumble. When Brian asks me what I said, I repeated it.

“Why would that make a difference?”

“Probably because you always tell him what to do.” At his affronted look, I clarify. “Brian, I happen to know that you told Michael that if he wanted me, to get me. I know that you told him to suck me, like me, but don’t love me. Now, I know why you told him that. It was so he wouldn’t get hurt if he and I didn’t last. It took Debbie being opposed to the idea that he and I were seeing each other for Michael to decide. But even that was suspect, because I later found out that Michael wasn’t too thrilled about Debbie dating Carl. In fact, I don’t think it was Carl himself but the idea of him that pissed Michael off. We all know how territorial Michael is with those he deems as his. You’re a prime example of that.”

“So basically you’re saying that if I tell Michael to clean up his shit and fix what’s wrong between the two of you, he’d do it? That’s bullshit.”

“Not as much bullshit as you think, Brian. I’ve had a lot of time to think over the last couple of days.”

“And what have you come up with?”

“First of all, if Michael isn’t on the plane with me tomorrow then that’s that. However, if he is, then we’ll see what happens on the island. Michael and I have never gone away together, just the two of us. So as Barry has said, this will either rekindle the long-dead flame between Michael and I, even if he doesn’t admit it’s extinguished, or we’ll be going our separate ways when we get back to Pittsburgh. The choice is entirely up to him. Right now, I think the latter is more likely to happen.”

“Professor, why the defeatist attitude? It’s not very Zen of you.”

I sigh. “That’s the thing Brian. I’ve been Zen Ben too long, and I think Michael was happier that way. I guess I was too, for a time, since it kept us from any major disagreements. My T-cell count remained where it was supposed to be without the added stress of having a tumultuous married life. But now I’m not happy and haven’t been for a long time. Years, Brian...it’s been years that I’ve felt trapped in my life, married but yet not. By some miracle, my count is still right where it should be, but if I stay, if this can’t be fixed, who knows what will happen. Lately, I’ve been feeling like a tool and I don’t like the feeling. The thing is, with you guys I never feel that way; only with Michael. Now what does that tell you?”  

He thought a moment before answering. “That I hope the island has magical powers because Michael left on his own means that the rest of us, including you, will have no peace. You have to know that he won’t let you go lightly.”

“I know Brian. But there is more to our marriage than one might think. It took me a while to remember that I hold all the cards.”

“What do you mean?”

“Everything is in my name. His store, the house, the bank accounts- all of it. But I don’t want Michael to remember that. I want him to keep his illusion of power, since it will also tell me what I’m finally willing to hear; what I’m finally ready to look for.”

“What’s that?”

“The truth about the real Michael Charles Novotny-Bruckner and if I’m willing to still have and hold him.”

During the rest of our lunch, Brian and I talked about inconsequential things. I told him that I would see him at the airport in the morning before boarding. And I urged him to talk to Justin so that the younger man would not become me, always wondering where he stood in the grand scheme of things. It’s not a pleasant place to be and I seriously wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. We said our goodbyes and instead of going back to the campus, I opted to sit in the little cafe on the corner. Brian was right… the urge to write was upon me once again. I looked down at my cellphone, knowing it would only be a matter of time before it rang again. Instead, I shut it down completely then happily slipped into my fictional world, even though it was closer to my own reality. It was finally time to write the ending.

THE WIFE or THE MISTRESS: CHAPTER 5

TED

I am at the airport waiting for the flight from Tampa to come in. God, it feels like forever since I’ve seen Blake, even though it’s only been a few days. When he told me everything that had happened over the phone, I felt such guilt. I wanted to board the next plane and hold him. I apologized profusely for my inattention, but in classic Blake fashion, he absolved me, told me that we would go to that island Bernard told us about and put all of this behind us. He said that he’s still mad but it was time that we figure out a way to move forward, as a couple or as friends. I didn’t know what to make of that last statement but trusted that when the time was right, he and I would talk about it and make the best decisions for us.

In the meantime, after receiving the paperwork from Blake and Diane’s attorney, Greg, I went ahead and did what Blake asked me to do which was invest a quarter of his newfound wealth for him. What Blake never knew was that I had been investing in his name for years, even back in his crystal days, hoping that one day he would get himself together. The initial investments which cost me all of two hundred bucks, have yielded several high interest returns. So in essence, Blake has been pretty well off for years. I’m just glad to know that I had forgotten about them during my own foray into drugs, because no doubt, we would have been starting over from scratch. Increasing his market shares with his new money, now gives Blake ownership of four companies. Sure the ownership is small- only like ten percent- but it’s substantial if the companies ever change hands. They would have to literally buy Blake out. Not bad for a pair of former crystal queens!

The first thing I notice as he comes through the gate are his blue eyes scanning the sea of humanity, looking for me. He’s talking to a young lady with shining gold hair standing right next to him, with Drew standing off to the right. My breath catches as he finds me and it’s then that I notice that the woman is looking at me too. If it wasn’t for the fact that they looked so much alike, I might never have known who she was. She runs to me and before I know it, I’m wrapped up in a cloud of Versace Blue Jeans perfume.

“You must be Teddy. It’s so nice to finally meet you!”

I hug her back, not in the least bit uncomfortable, which is surprising in itself. “It’s wonderful to meet you as well, Diane. Blake has told me so much about you. I was sorry to hear about your grandfather. I would have loved to get to know him.”

She pulls back from me, with a smile on her face. I’m taken aback by how much that smile resembles Blake’s. “He knew all about you.”

“All about me?”

“Yes, Teddy, all about you. He even knew about your..uh, less than stellar moments. But he respected you, even up until moments before he passed away. You’re exactly the type of man he would have wanted for my big brother. Don’t ever let someone, including Blake, make you think differently, ya hear? Now let’s get out of this blasted place! I’m hungry and a little birdie told me that you make a mean salmon with rosemary and lemon butter sauce.” She smiled brightly at me again and I can’t help the smile that I give in return. She’s exactly as Blake described her.

We all move to the baggage claim area to retrieve, God only knows how many, bags and trunks. “Jesus, Diane, this is more than a little bit! Did you rob a farm full of livestock or something?” Seriously, they are heavy! My muscles are tired from just picking up two of them. Yet the show-off named Drew Boyd, is lifting them like their measly sacks of potatoes. I’ve been hitting the gym with Brian but DAMN!

She just laughs and tells me to stop my complaining. “Besides, most of these are going to be shipped from here to Chicago. Or at least that’s the plan for now. Who knows? I may love your fair city so much that I’ll only visit Chi-town enough per week to run the company. I don’t want to stay too far away from Blakie, it’s been too many years as it is.”

Her face has taken on a wistful look that has my heart sinking and soaring for them by turns. She’s right. It has been too many years since they’ve spent any time together. There is so much that they still don’t know about each other. It makes me feel a little guilty that Blake and I will be leaving tomorrow for at least a month trying to get our relationship back on track. That’s when an idea strikes me. “Diane, although Blake and I will be going away tomorrow, I’m sure that he would want you to meet everyone.” I look at Blake for confirmation. Even though, he and I haven’t exchanged anything beyond silent looks until this point, I felt that the ultimate decision should be his.

“I don’t have a problem with having the gang over, Teddy. It’s just that I…”

“Then we won’t invite him,” I say, understanding his hesitation.

“But I want to meet all of the people important to you, Blakie. Even if that means I have to put up with him.” I was surprised that he told her about his aversion to Michael.

“That’s the thing...he isn’t important to me, but he is to Ted and the others. I don’t want to not invite him simply because I can’t stand the idiot.”

I feel that I should interject here, so I do. “Blake, it’s our home. If you don’t want Michael there, then he shouldn’t be.”

“I just don’t want you to have to endure the Novotny tantrum, Teddy,” he says quietly. I’m gratified that he still takes my feelings into consideration, even at the expense of himself. It’s time I do the same.

“I can handle the aftermath, Blake. This is for you and Diane- a reunion and a welcome. It’s a celebration! I refuse to have anything spoiling that. So no Michael. But it’s okay that I invite the rest of them, right?”

He smiles at me for the very first time and once again, I think of how lucky I am that he chose me. “Sure Ted. I would like that.”

“Okay. So I guess we’ll have to find something else for Diane to eat right now since I’ll make the salmon for dinner. It’s something even Brian can’t fuss over.”

We all laugh, thinking about the picky Brian Kinney. I’m so happy that Blake is home. I’m happy that he’s safe. But most of all I’m happy that we are going away to give us another chance. Who knows what tomorrow may bring, but that’s unimportant right now. I think about every time Brian has told me that I worry about tomorrow too much and have to chuckle. While the man who has become one of my best friends seems to live by the seat of his pants,  I know for a fact that he’s a planner down to the last point of a situation. Sure he can be impulsive, but for the most part, he doesn’t make a move without plans and contingency plans and even plans for those. It makes me wonder just what he’s planning now in reference to Justin. I still worry about us all being on the island, especially with Michael close by. But well, let’s just get through tonight. I can’t wait to be able to hold Blake again.

“What’s on your mind?” He asks me softly, as we load the baggage in the car.

“Just hoping.”

“For?”

“That no matter what, we can see our way clear of the mess we’ve made.”

“Pass or fail, it will work itself out however it’s meant to. We can only try Teddy, and that’s all I’m promising.” He then softens his voice in that way which always puts me at ease. “Let’s just enjoy ourselves and our company tonight. We’ll worry about tomorrow when it gets here, okay?”

I look into his reassuring eyes, finding peace for the first time in a long while deep in the ocean blue orbs. I renew my resolve to fight for him, for us, in that moment and smile with a new determination. “Okay.”

“Hey you two, make goo-goo eyes at each other later when I’m safely tucked away in your guestroom. Now feed me!!” Diane orders, interrupting our tender moment of understanding. She’s such a pistol. I can’t help but smile at her.

“I take it you’re happy that you’ve gained a new pain in the ass?” Blake snickers, his gorgeous eyes twinkling.

“She reminds me a lot of you and is going to make me one helluva little sister. If she has a bottomless pit like you and Justin...Whew! Maybe I better make a supermarket run.” I laugh outright, looking forward to being bossed around by a mere slip of a woman. I really can’t wait for everyone to meet her. One thing is certain: between Blake and Diane, my life will never be dull. And hell yeah...I can live with that!

FIRE and ICE: CHAPTER 5

DREW

I’m finally catching up with Emmett. After I called him this afternoon to let him know that we touched down in Pittsburgh safely and that Ted was having an impromptu dinner party to introduce Diane, he decided to help out with the preparations. I didn’t mind though, because that’s just Emmett and it’s how he works. I have to admit that I used to be jealous of his relationship with Ted. I had found out they dated for awhile and although I just couldn’t see it, I had problems with how close they remained, despite the fact that they had partners. It took Justin, Ben, and Blake talking to me for me to understand their dynamics.

I was actually surprised to learn that Em and Ted weren’t just friends, but best friends in the way that Justin and Daphne are. Justin had shared with us what happened when he’d slept with Daphne back in his teens and how she tried to turn it into a relationship. It took a while for them to get back to the point where they were. The same kind of thing happened with Em and Ted’s relationship, only it was much worse. I was sorry to hear that Ted became an addict. Knowing him the way I do now, I just couldn’t see it, but there were a lot of things that led up to that point. According to Justin, it started with Ted being fired from Wertschafters for surfing porn on the internet. I found that funny because I never would have thought that straight-laced, wry sense of humor Ted, had a horny streak ten city-blocks wide. It was then that the guys told me he was the founder and CEO of Jerk@Work.net. I actually laughed at that, thinking it was a miracle that I never got caught on the site. Yeah… I was a paying customer while I was firmly entrenched in my closet. I didn’t go on often, but I was a big fan of Fetch Dixon. So imagine my surprise when he turned out to be the only man I have ever loved.

They told me the real tragic story behind George Schickles’ death, and I have to admit that my heart went out to Emmett. So many secrets that he’s never told me. But then again, that’s how Em lives his life. He has the amazing ability to put his past behind him literally, not just figuratively. Past the initial mourning period, he doesn’t dwell. I’m not even sure his past is allowed to cross his mind in remembrance once he’s done with it. Sure, he has a whole lot of anecdotes and lessons learned from the past that he can bring into any conversation; things that will make you laugh or cry or think. But beyond that, he doesn’t get introspective or pensive like the rest of us tend to do. It’s why I love him, because when he says he forgives you, he really does.

Anyway, I found out that while Brian and Justin were breaking up, Ted and Em were getting together. What’s that saying about death and birth? Yeah it was sort of that way with the rise of the Temmett Era, as Justin calls it. Things were good with them for awhile. They were still the best friends that they always were. But the change happened when Stockwell was up for mayoral election. Good gravy, I remember that dark time in Pittsburgh. It wasn’t just that the conservatives were stirring up trouble wherever they could; I remember fights that would break out in the stands because believe it or not, we had some die-hard gay football fans, who just happened to know how to barroom brawl with the best of them. It seemed that we couldn’t have a home game without a near riot breaking out. Seeing the aftermath, I could honestly say, I was happy to be under the radar, fucking men only when the itch hit me.

As for Ted and Em, it seemed that while Emmett’s catering business was taking off, the sun was setting on Jerk@Work and Ted became resentful. I’m not sure how it happened- I’m not sure that Em is either- but Ted became an addict, not just of prescription drugs but of crystal meth. I can’t imagine what that time was like for Em, watching helplessly as his friend and lover descended into a world that Em had tried some ten years before. According to the guys, everyone was off mostly doing their own thing, while Em was single-handed trying to save Ted. Knowing that Em could be exceptionally soft-hearted at times, I know that it was difficult not to wash his hands of the whole mess. From what I’ve heard, it took Brian Kinney to get Emmett to save himself while letting Ted sink or swim on his own.

It seemed to be the right thing to do, considering how close the two men are once again. I don’t have all the details, but suffice it to say that I am no longer jealous. If anything, I might be a bit envious of the close friendship the two of them have. I’ve never really had a best friend, someone I could tell my secrets to and know that I could trust them not to turn on me. Living in hiding, even from yourself, makes you wary of trusting people. I think that’s why I really hate Michael Novotny. He takes all of their friendships for granted and betrays their confidences every time something doesn’t go his way. He employs the most expert form of emotional blackmail that I’ve ever been witness to, and all behind the guise of being a good friend, a best friend, a brother, and in Ben’s case, a lover… It’s bullshit!

I get out of my car and head for the elevator to Blake and Ted’s place. I have to admit as condos go, theirs is top of the line. I tried to talk Em into buying a condo in this building, but he’s in love with the house, even if we have to wait to be shoveled out every winter, but he vetoed that idea. Since leaving home, he’s only lived in apartments or at Debbie’s. He once told me that the farmhouse he grew up in never allowed him to have space to roam or privacy. So I guess I can understand in a way, since I’m also a country boy. But I was also the youngest child so by the time I was a teenager, I lived the life of an only child. I was more alone than with my siblings. I was also an adult with a lucrative career when I came out, while Em was harassed and hassled everyday for being who he is. It kind of sheds a new light on how different his life has been from mine.

The first thing I hear when I get out on the floor, is the high-pitched laughter. It makes my heart melt hearing Emmett and Diane sounding so happy. The deep rumble of Ted’s laughter soon joins in along with Blake’s innocent-sounding “What? You know I’m telling the truth,” makes me long for more days like this. I knock twice as is my custom and before I know it, my arms are full of exuberant blond girl.

“Drewsie! I’m so glad you’re here. Em won’t let me sample anything.” Diane tells me, using Em’s nickname for me. I can’t help but chuckle at the adorable pout on her face.

“I would tell you that I could help you, but I know my Emmett. He wants everyone’s reaction to his cooking to be a surprised and honest one. But you can trust that it’s beyond delicious.”

“I know, it smells so good. My stomach is rumbling again.”

“How can that be when you only ate half a restaurant full of food not two hours ago?”

“What can I say? I have a fast metabolism.” She shrugs as if it should be obvious.

“Hey Blake, are you sure this is your sister? She’s more like Justin’s twin than yours.”

He laughs. “Yeah, she’s mine. Although from what Justin tells me, Molly could out-eat him and never gains a pound.”

Just then the door opens to reveal more newcomers. “We’re not late, are we?” Justin asks as he and Brian come through the door. I’m surprised to see Ben with them.

“Nope. I just arrived myself,” I respond, looking behind Ben to see if his extra asshole is accompanying him.

He smirks, knowing exactly what I’m doing. “No, he isn’t here. In fact, he and I have not had contact in a bit more than twenty-four hours.”

“Oh?”

“I gave him an ultimatum last night, so I would imagine that he’s somewhere either thinking it over or trying to find a way out of it. Either way, the choice is up to him now. So let’s have a good time.” Ben says, as he nabs a beer off the liquor cart.

“So Diane, it must be nice to be reunited with Blake, huh?” Justin asks. If he was anything like me, the last thing he wanted to talk about was the Idiot Man-child that was Michael. Hopefully, we didn’t put enough bad karma into the air just by asking his whereabouts. Oh hell, now I’m even starting to sound like Ben.

“It’s the best. I’ve really missed him. Now that I’ll be based in Chicago- at least that’s the plan so far- I’ll be able to make up for lost time.”

“And just what is it you do?” Brian asks, and I know exactly what he’s doing. He’s entered protective mode.

Diane laughs. Apparently, Ted and Blake have already told her to be prepared for the Inquisition by the Master. “I’m co-CEO of Blaze Distribution and Restaurants. So no, Mr. Kinney, I have no intention of taking advantage of my brother’s generosity. Besides, he’s the other CEO so there wouldn’t be much benefit in stabbing him in the back. Although, I’m a jugular vein kinda gal myself.”

I laugh at the stunned look on Brian’s face. Then watch as the ever-present smirk surfaces. Justin too notices and beats Brian to the punch. “Who does your advertising? You’re already meeting with the Co-CEOs of Kinnetik Enterprises.”

“Sunshine that’s my line,” Brian says, smiling at him.

“Well when you’re slow you blow, Brian.”

“I promise to...later.”

“UGH! Can we please not offend the ONE lesbian at the table? The last thing I want to do is lose my appetite thinking about what either of you will be eating later.” The table erupts in laughter at her admission. Diane really is a joy to be around. Just then her phone rings and the smile becomes a frown. “Blake, it’s Greg, we need to take this.”

“Is it something that I should be included on? As Blake’s personal accountant, I mean?”

“I don’t know but… well I could use you for moral support, if that’s okay,” Blake answers him quietly.

“Tell you what, Brian and Justin have experience in running a Fortune 100 company. Their input could be invaluable to you, not just because they could do your advertising blindfolded and still increase your revenue. It's because they, although not many know it, started the company from the ground up and with little startup money or costs. What they've made of it... well, you couldn't find better consultants, I assure you. Perhaps you could put the phone on speaker and that way, you have the best of all worlds. Business advice and moral support, unless you think it’s too private,” Ted suggests.

I can’t help but be curious and somehow after this phone call, I know they will need all of us. It was also news to me to that Justin was in on the ground floor of Brian’s company. But then I remember hearing that he named the company, back when I was just a model for Brown Athletics. It will be interesting to see if despite all of their current problems, if their professional karma is still in tact.

Diane presses the speakerphone button to connect the call. “Hey Greg, we’re just sitting down to dinner. What’s up?”

“Two things actually…” his voice comes across. “Number one is that your parents are trying to fight your grandfather’s will. I assure you that they don’t have a leg to stand on since it was done after he returned to work. They are trying to use his extended mourning period to say that he wasn’t in his right mind at the time of changing his will. I already submitted the documents to show what Curtis and Cruella...oh sorry, damn you Blake for that! Flora… tried to do to him, so I expect it to be thrown out as early as next week.”

“Of course that’s bullshit. Gramps was lucid right up until the second he died. So what’s the second thing?” Blake asks. I have to admit to being proud of him. He’s all business right now, which is a side of him I don’t think any of us has ever seen, including Ted.

“The second thing has to do with the Florida distribution center. I looked over the numbers and although there are a lot of staff still left at the plant, the bulk of those left are within retirement age. Because of the stink Curtis tried to raise when he barged into the office this morning after the reading of the will, they would either like to retire immediately or quit. The other employees have opted to move to wherever the new distribution center is going to be but have requested that it be done within the week instead of the month, like originally planned. Simply put, they don’t trust Curtis.”

“Quite frankly, I don’t either,” Diane says. “It would be just like the fucker to try to burn the place down, costing up hundreds of thousands of dollars in lost revenue.”

“I have an idea, Blake and Diane,” Justin states, pulling out his cell phone. “Give me a moment to see if it’s doable.”

“As for the company itself,” Brian begins, “Retire those employees by Wednesday. The others can help the movers pack up the plant. It’s a tight schedule but with round the clock work, by Wednesday the shipping could begin. That gives you all roughly five days to secure everything. The remaining employees will have to be offered a relocation package, to be executed immediately. The only question remains is where they will be moving to?”

“Brian, we have an entire complex vacant,” Justin calls out.

“Since when?”

“Since last week. It’s one of the reasons I was trying to call you. I acquired an entire complex of condos. It was a steal so I bought it. The former owner needed to offload it quickly before the ex-wife found out about it and included it in the divorce settlement. He’s determined that she won’t get one copper penny beyond their joint assets, so even though he owned the building and had just acquired it himself, he sold it to me. She cheated but stands to get half of everything because they didn’t have a prenup, go figure. Anyway, although I was planning on renovating, the apartments are completely habitable as they are now. I’m on the phone with Mom. Diane, if you and Blake are willing, we can take a security deposit from you now, to be repaid in increments from your relocating employees. Then it would be my advice to offer to pay half their rent for the first year. They will be solely responsible for all their other expenses. During that time, they will have the option to either stay in the apartments or relocate to more affordable housing.” Brian nods in Justin’s direction, clearly pleased that they are still on the same wavelength.

“Greg, with what’s in the accounts now, how much will that option set us back? And how many are trying to relocate? As for the others, pay the pensions immediately. No need to wait, unless they prefer to begin their retirements on Wednesday. If that’s the case, increase it by ten percent for all of them, but get their answers first. I know they are good people at heart, but there is a lot of money involved. Many would turn avaricious just because they can.”

“Brian, Justin, how much are you offering to rent the complex for?”

I listened as they came up with a figure which was agreeable to them all. It amazed me that although Ted was the accountant to all of them, he was still fair and impartial. Emmett, Ben, and I sat stunned at the amounts. Sure we were all well off, although Ben significantly less than the rest of us, but still the costs of moving an entire distribution center and its employees was staggering. We all looked at each other as a knock sounded at the door. I had a bad feeling about answering it but told Em and Ben to stay there.

Lo and behold who should be there but the Twerp who couldn’t stay away. “Drew, what are you doing here? Where’s Ted?”

“Busy and I was invited. What are you doing here?”

“Look, I want to talk to Ted. I can’t find Brian.”

As if the fates were conspiring against me, the man in question was speaking directly to the attorney on the phone while Justin was relating all of the necessary information to his mom on the phone. “As you can hear, they are in the middle of something rather important.”

“I don’t give a damn what you deem important. I want to speak to Brian. He owes me an apology for the way he acted last night and I don’t intend to leave until I get it. BRIAN!!! BRIANNNNNNNN!!!!”

Right there is where I lost my patience. “Listen you little pissant! Brian is busy, Ted is busy, and no one has time for your latest temper tantrum. Now leave!”

“Who the fuck do you think you are? After all we’ve done for you when you had to hide out from the press. You…”

“Fuck you Michael! I don’t owe you shit except a size thirteen in the crack of your ass! If anyone, I would probably owe Debbie a good turn, but that does not...I repeat since you have selective hearing...IT DOES NOT INCLUDE YOU!! Now beat it before I am tempted to introduce your chest to your back!” And I really want the little fuck to try pushing against me one more time so I can cave his chest in! Instead, I showed a modicum of self-restraint by stepping back and slamming the door in his face.

Fifteen minutes later, he is finally gone. No doubt he’s about to run to mommy about the big bad Drew. Well let her come, because I have some very choice words for her too! I turn to Ben and simply shake my head.

“I just have to ask. What the hell did you ever see in that boy in a man’s body?”

“More like a boy in an underdeveloped body,” Justin says as Blake snickers.

Ben just looks at me sadly and my heart goes out to the man. “At first, it was that I thought he was cute. You know what I mean, that boy-next-door type, that I have since learned is completely deceiving. Then it was love or something like it. But now...I am asking myself the same thing.”

“Sadly Michael has a one-track mind, especially when it comes to Brian,” Justin interjects. “I don’t think he’s ever developed past the age of eight, much less fourteen which is the general consensus. Sorry Ben but… well what are you going to do, right?”

Ben looks at Brian, who has a slight frown marring his features. I wonder if they are having some of the silent communication I’ve seen from Brian and Justin since I’ve known them. Seeming to come to a decision, Ben says, “I’m simply going to do what’s right for me. It’s about time that I think of myself first, since he clearly doesn’t think of me at all.”

I see Brian, Ted, and Emmett drop their eyes and I can’t help but smile at the realization that they are finally getting what it’s like to be us, the Lonely Hearts Club. “Well, no sense crying over spilled milk. All we can do is take things from here. But Ben remember that healing begins with you. It’s what you told me just last week, and who am I if I don’t throw your words back at you?”

“What exactly happened last week?” Emmett asks, but I just shake my head.

“I’m sure it will all come out during our journey to the island. Well as long as we’re honest with each other and ourselves.”

“You all better fucking be,” Diane says. “I would hate to have to kick all my new found brothers asses for being idiots. So fucking fix it or let it go, but do it on your own terms.”

“What are you going to do while we are away?” Blake asks her.

“First, I’m going to sort out our empire. Then I’m going to get laid and email you all the details. I’m even going to include pictures and video so you can get the full effect.”

A collective “UGH!” rang out dispelling all the tension in the room. Having a little sister sure does have its uses!

BOOK II: THE STRAWBERRY LETTERS- Hate Mail/ love letters (therapy sessions/ homework assignments)

Small Summary (yeah right LOL):

A slight disclaimer though... I do not profess to be a Psychological nor Law Professional so allow my a bit of creative license in how things are handled with all of our couples.  

As for the chapter itself, this is the meat of the story so the chapters will probably be longer and definitely more emotional than the first book. Each of them have their own journey to get to where they want to be within their relationship... or not. I will try to post a diagram of how each villa is set up, just in case I can't describe what's in my head adequately enough for you to have your own mental picture.

Bear in mind that while the guys are on the island, they still will have real life to contend with, which includes business dealing, family ties and a few surprises- good and bad- along the way. I might include another section called as such during this section, although I haven't decided yet. 

In closing this introduction, I have to remind everyone that although I don't update as much as I like to due to my career and family concerns, it is my hope that each chapter allows you to immerse yourself mentally in their world. I hope that if nothing else, I have been able to convey the emotional aspect of this story. I love all of my work equally and for different reasons, but if I had to pick a favorite, I have to say this is it! It's definitely stretching my writing chops in ways that surprise even me. And I continue to be grateful for that. As most of you know, I write a lot of my work to music so although I won't post the majority of the lyrics, I might post a phrase that accompanies the chapter and/or the artist so that you can take a listen yourselves. I haven't decided if I will name each chapter of the section yet (beginning with chapter 2 of Book II) but if it happens, it will be the title of the song used. I really do hope you enjoy this section as much as the first. Thank you all for your support thus far in this journey.

Happy Reading and HUGS,

~Nichelle

BEFORE I LET GO: CHAPTER ONE

BARRY

We’re all here at the airport… well all, except one. Is it wrong that I really hope he doesn’t make it? I mean, I’m able to talk- really talk- to Ben. He needs help, he acknowledges it, and we can work with that. Not so with Captain Pain-in-the-Ass. Okay, so in all fairness, I will go on record by saying I don’t see the point in dragging this millstone around Ben’s neck out. Michael is clearly showing that he no longer wants to be married and from the outside looking in, I can tell you that he’s no great loss. But putting myself in Ben’s shoes, it’s difficult not to see that the man, once so in love with his husband, has become so disillusioned by the emotion. Love between two people is supposed to have you running the gamut from euphoric highs to occasional lows, bouncing on every level in between, yet still somehow feeling secure in the knowledge that you’re not going through it all alone.

But what happens when one experiences the prolonged low without security? Ben does. What happens when the person you put your trust in; the one who is supposed to guard your heart is, in fact, the one stabbing it repeatedly and without mercy? Ben does. My problem is how to make Michael Novotny see what he’s doing to the man he promised to love and cherish above all else. Not an easy task and certainly not an enviable one, at best. It’s my job to try to save the marriage of these two, but in all honesty, the way it’s looking right now, I have to ask, why they even want to save it? Why not just move on and if it’s meant to be, they will find their way back to each other? At least then they would be able to say their marriage was real because as it stands now…

“Penny for your thoughts?” Alex asks me.

“You don’t want to know.”

“I asked, didn’t I?”

I sigh. “Fine but don’t say I didn’t try to warn you. I’m simply wondering why Ben doesn’t tell Michael that it’s over, set himself free and see if Michael comes back his way again. At least he’ll know that he’s important to Michael then. What do you think?”

“Professionally or personally?”

“Would it be wrong if I said, both?”

He smiles at me and I’m reminded of why I love this man so much. Alex has quite possibly the most open-hearted face I’ve ever seen. There is no guessing with him, unless he’s in his ‘Dr. Wilder’ mode. He lets me in without worry that I will betray his innermost thoughts or feelings or make light of his vulnerabilities.

“Well professionally speaking, I would say that there are some deep-seated issues Ben has kept buried that have only started to resurface upon meeting Michael Novotny, and they have nothing to do with his HIV status although it’s a part of it.”

“I thought so too. Do you think he’s shared them with Michael?”

“That I can’t answer, but if I had to venture a guess, I would say no. But Michael Novotny has a knack for tapping into people’s insecurities and playing on them. Look at all he’s done to Brian and Justin over the years, for example. Brian used to think his only worth was in being the best in the Advertising world and as the Stud of Liberty Avenue. Michael took it to mean that Brian was still sowing his wild oats and that the only man he would ever settle down with was him.”

“But that’s obviously not the case…”

“No. When Justin came along, Michael immediately latched tighter onto Brian, mentioning Brian’s insecurities in the forms of Brian’s eighteen-year old mantras to Justin. It was also a way to remind Brian of the things he’d said he would never do. Brian doesn’t do love. Brian doesn’t do relationships. Brian has a one-fuck only policy; you’re yesterday’s trick. What Michael never counted on was that Justin would never buy into the bullshit or find out the reason for those mantras existing in the first place. So imagine Michael scrambling to find a new avenue to drive a wedge between the Stud persona, which gave Michael an opportunity to stay close to Brian and live through him at the same time, and the only man Brian was breaking his rules for.”

‘Ahaha! Ethan!”

“Yes, the fiddler. Every time Brian and Justin get closer, Michael brings him up. Sadly, Brian relied heavily on drugs, drinking, and Michael during that time…”

“...allowing Michael to know all of the little shattered memories Brian held dear; the questions he was asking himself. I see now what you mean about how he plays on the fears of his friends. I can only imagine what he’s been doing to Ben, who he has 24-hour access to. I wonder if they know.”

“The partners, Ben notwithstanding, know. It’s why they are so angry with Brian, Ted, and Emmett. It’s like they have been saying this for the longest time, but are not being listened to. Now they are all at the point where they want to walk away. It’s not about letting Michael win, but saving their own sanity.”

“So what can we do at this point?”

“Well, I think the letters will help. If they can finally get it out of their heads from the heart, it takes away anyone’s power to use those fears against them in the future. This way, they are voicing them to the right people and not the wrong one.

“Where the fuck is Novotny?” Bernard comes to us grumbling. “I swear that little pissant…”

“We know. Calm down. You’re just upset since you had another appointment with the Morrisons. Were you able to hand them off to another therapist while you’re away?”

He smiles for the first time since his arrival. “Yes, although I do feel sorry for Dr. James. With any luck, I won’t have to resume their case when we get back. So where is he?”

I sigh. “According to Ben, he doesn’t know if Michael is going to show up. He doesn’t seem too concerned though.”

“I can’t say that I blame him. Everyone has their breaking point and if I can give my opinion here, it’s high time that Ben reached his.”

“I’m not so sure since… well, he and Brian have been sitting with their heads together for over an hour. I wonder what that’s about.” I know that I don’t have a real reason to worry. It’s just that they all don’t need to be distracted just now. I would rather Brian be concentrating on Justin, who has his head and attention buried in his laptop at the moment.

Bernard notices what I’m seeing and chuckles a bit. “Don’t worry about it too much Barry. They are probably just making up from the near-fight they almost had in the bar a few nights ago. Apparently tempers were running high after Brian walked in and found Justin and Ben innocently slow dancing together. Emmett put a stop to it.”

“Shit, what the hell?! Where was Michael in all this?”

“Probably off licking his wounds from being told to put a sock in his ‘Woe is Me’ show by Ted and Emmett. From what I’ve been able to glean, Brian threatened the little mongrel, Ben gave him some sort of ultimatum, and then he went running to Ted and Emmett, who were dealing with their own situations regarding their partners at the time.”

Alex picks up the story from there. “Then Debbie hears through the gay grapevine of the situation the guys made semi-public in Woody’s…” He sighs. “I had my own talk with Debbie yesterday. With Horvath’s help, I think Mr. Novotny-Bruckner will no longer find the maternal ally he’s looking for to bring order to his narrow world. At least, that’s what I’m hoping.”

As he fills us in, I can’t help but admire my man. Alex has always been a brilliant man in our chosen field, but he’s also magnificent when he’s angry. Intelligence and insults pour from him as natural as breathing when he’s in that state. I’m almost sorry I missed it. “Do you think it worked?”

Duke arrives with the waiter, passing out the drinks he’s gotten for us. “So what are we talking about?”

“Alex’s public psychoanalysis of one Debbie Horvath, nee Novotny.”

“Ah, I heard about that, and a better set-her-ass-down I’ve never heard of. Well done, Alex. But do you think it worked?”

He shakes his head. “I’m not sure but Horvath threatened to leave if she continued being solely Michael’s mother, instead of his wife. I find it interesting that Ben and Carl feel like their sole value to their spouses is simply as bedwarmers and placeholders. It kind of puts how the Novotnys view the vows they took into a different perspective, doesn’t it?”

“Almost like the promises were meant for everyone else but not them?” Duke queries.

“There’s that, but that’s not the only telling factor.” I answer. “It’s almost as if they didn’t realize that while they uttered the same words, their partners were actually going to expect that the no-rules-except-their-own Novotnys would abide by them. As a result, both mother and son have been cheating on their husbands since the very beginning. We all know that cheating is not just physical, but mental and emotional as well. Debbie crossed the line when she continued to put Michael’s needs before Carl’s and her own. Michael continuously crosses a line when he puts Brian’s supposed needs ahead of Ben’s.”

“Not Ted and Emmett’s?” Bernard asks.

“No, although the latter two tend to also put Michael’s needs ahead of Drew and Blake’s lately. If Michael is in emotional trouble, they each stop what they are doing and run to his rescue, but does he return the favor? No, he doesn’t. However, if Brian were to call, he drops everything and runs to him, expecting to be Brian’s number one priority, instead of the situation he’s dealing with. The funny thing is that Brian rarely called on Michael beyond the last few months. However…”

“He’s hounded Brian, using the others as scapegoats to drive various wedges between all of them. In the meantime, he’s inventing dramas with Ben. But to what purpose?”

“Other than he’s an attention-whore?” Duke asks. At our nods, he continues. “There’s another ulterior motive and I suspect it’s jealousy.”

“Well we know that. But of what, is the question,” Bernard states.

I shake my head. “All I know is that there is a pattern here and Michael is sitting like a spider in the middle of the web, weaving all of the drama. It has to stop! The real problem is that he doesn’t see that what he is doing as wrong, even if he knows that it is.”

“Are you suggesting Narcissistic Personality Disorder?” Alex’s asks.

“Although I’m sure that’s a small part of it, I doubt that’s the real diagnosis. It’s more like Novotny Pussyboy Desperation Syndrome.” They all laugh, but I’m serious. “Think about it. We’ve all seen this before with various other clients. Life is passing him by and instead of trying to catch up, he’d rather stay where he is comfortable, where there are no expectations of him to better himself. He’d rather drag his friends down to his level of mediocrity than to cheer them on. Each of them, Michael included, have partners willing to let them soar, partners who are able to restore the confidence in themselves when they feel like they can’t achieve their goals. But now those same partners, Michael’s included, are both pulling and pushing back, allowing Michael full reign. I have to wonder why. It can’t just be simple exhaustion. Alex, I know your theory about using the letters as way into their personal thoughts, feelings and the like. But is there another reason that we’re all missing?”

“I’m thinking that having them write it all down will give them a blueprint of what not to do in the future, whether they stay together or part ways in the end. I’m adopting that saying that he that does not learn from his mistakes is doomed to repeat them. That’s especially true in Ben’s case, don’t you think?”

Given what I know about Ben’s history with his ex Paul, and how he contracted the HIV virus, I cannot find fault with Alex’s theory. “You know, it’s a sad day when I can’t argue with your logic, sweetheart. You take away all my fun.”

He smiles that smile at me. “Don’t worry. I’ll make it up to you once we get the guys settled in their villas.” The other guys groan and roll their eyes at our brief PDA, sealing the private agreement between Alex and I.

“Break it up, you two. Bernard and I will be trapped on an island, surrounded by couples for the next god only knows how many weeks. Lighten up on us, will you?” Duke complains.

“Well, if you both would take your heads out of your asses, perhaps you’ll be a couple by the time it’s all over. Just because Ted and Emmett ended the way they did, doesn’t mean you two should use their situation as a cautionary tale about best friends becoming lovers,” Alex tells them.

“With my luck, he’ll end up in my life as another Michael, only worse, because he’ll actually get what he wants.” Bernard says, making Duke scowl and the rest of us laugh.

“That’s so… you’ll pay for that one, friend,” Duke narrows his eyes, but it quickly turns into a smile. “Anyway, did you call ahead to the island to make sure the spies are in place?” He asks me.

“Yeah I did, and they are. We may have another problem though…”

“Oh? What is it?”

I lower my voice and tell them. All three of them are narrowing their eyes and gritting their teeth. Unfortunately, the resort is full, so we can’t shift around the potential problems who really shouldn’t be a problem at all for our guests. But their arrival is just one more thing for Novotny to focus on, instead of himself. I swear the man has adult ADHD when it comes to dealing with his own shit! But there isn’t a doubt in my mind, that what should only be a small ripple is about to become a fucking tsunami if Michael Novotny-Bruckner gets ahold of it. I can only hope that he doesn’t.

STAYING OR GOING CHAPTER 1

BRIAN

I’m sitting here with Ben, trying to keep one ear into the conversation but my eyes keep drifting towards the table in the corner. Watching Justin work has always been a guilty pleasure of mine. The way his forehead wrinkles in concentration or annoyance is the weirdest turn-on for me. It shows me just how he puts himself into every single thing he does, especially when he’s having sex with me. His raised voice, draws all of our attention.

“No Tory! Just no. I don’t give a damn what he says. He’s not your boss, I am. And the long and short of it is, there will be no new issue until he and I come to an agreement. Since that’s not going to happen, he either takes the offer for me to buy him out or I sue him for the rights. There is no fucking way I’m giving in to his temper tantrum. Fine, call Donovan, but keep me abreast of every single development and power play he attempts to try. Yeah, he’s supposed to, but we won’t be in the same place, thank God. Tell Donovan to give Mr. Evans the complete story that no doubt his client did not give. We should be boarding soon. I’ll be in touch.” He hangs up the phone, frustration pouring off of him in waves. It can only mean one thing…

“What has Michael done this time?”

Justin sighs. “Off the record, he’s trying to override me in getting another issue published. Tory just called me because the publisher called her, asking her to let me know. Thank goodness I hired her as my PA and agent and that the guys who run the publishing company don’t trust the twerp. Can you believe that he actually demanded that the issue be released tomorrow? He’s had the offer to buy him out in his hand for nearly two weeks, and instead of doing the right thing, he tries this shit!”

Offer? What offer? I feel like I am missing some key piece of information here. “Wait a minute… you offered to buy Michael out of Rage without talking to me? If I’m not mistaken, I own a piece of it, right?” He narrows his eyes and I can see the storm brewing in them. I know I have to head it off right now if I want answers. “Look Justin, this is business, not a personal attack. I have to know when this was decided and why, since it also affects my bottom line, not just yours or whatever is jointly ours.”

He shrugs. “I tried to talk to you about this and so many other things that will affect our finances, but you were never available. So like with the condo acquisition, I made an executive decision. I offered Michael twenty-five grand to buy him out but he’s digging in his heels.”

I’m surprised. I remember when we talked about this when it was decided that Justin wouldn’t do the next issue until it was changed. When I suggested we buy him out then, Justin said that he didn’t want to put a strain on Ben’s finances by dissolving the partnership with Michael. It would have required the Professor to hire a lawyer, since they couldn’t afford to keep one on retainer the way Justin and I do. The original attorney, who first drew up the contract, is no longer available, since she’s the judge who has us all sitting here in this airport. I know that Melanie would have referred Ben to someone if asked, who probably would have looked over the offer pro bono. So what changed Justin’s initial decision? “When did you make the offer?”

“Five days before your excursion to P-Town. I found out that Michael paid another artist to draw Rage, which is in direct violation of the contract between us. The creative control clause and the copyright law attached to my work was breached. I thought I would be merciful and not seek litigation, by offering to buy him out. It’s clear now that it was a mistake on my part to think he might want to be reasonable in avoiding a fine and possible jail time.”

“Does Ben know?”

“You would have to ask him, but I would suspect he does. Although Ben controls the wallet, he can’t sign for Michael, who my agreement was with.”

“Ben mentioned that you were trying to get in touch with me last week. Is that true? And was this part of the reason?”

Justin wet his lips, taking a sip of his drink immediately afterwards. Replacing the glass back onto the table, he nods. “It’s true that I had called several times last week. All of us did for some reason or another. It kept rolling over to voicemail for each of us. So we all decided to send text messages just to see if you would answer those. Still, no response.”

“Justin, I don’t know what to say, except that we didn’t receive any messages or phone calls. The times I called you, you didn’t pick up. By the fourth day, I just stopped trying. I figured if there was any type of emergency you would call me, until then, I would let you stay pissed.”

“And I was...I’ll admit that. But I discovered a funny feature on the Iphone that I never really paid attention to. You see, the fifth day, I got so pissed that I actually smashed my phone. Not the brightest action, I know, but at the time, it was the only option I had beyond driving to P-Town and fucking up your jeep. I’m talking real scorned lover type shit like busting the windows out, keying the car, slashing your tires and spray painting the fucker. But that being the WASP I still am at base, those actions were beneath me…”

“For which I will remain supremely grateful…”

“I mean, I’m a millionaire for fuck’s sake. No way I should be landing in jail for something as trivial as vandalism, right?”

“Right. Is there a point to your musings or should I be worried?”

His eyes twinkle in amusement before growing serious again. “There is a feature on the phone that you nor I have ever taken advantage of. My guess- and it is that, just a guess- is that you activated the ‘Do Not Disturb’ feature, which prevented you from receiving any type of communication on your phone. It’s only a theory but it’s all I’ve got, unless you really were ignoring me.”

The despair on his face is heartbreaking. It’s taking me back to a place in our relationship that neither of us wants to remember but can’t forget. “Justin, I wouldn’t do that to you.”

“You have before.”

“But that was then; this is now. We have too much riding on being in contact at all times, not just business but personal things as well.”

“I know. But Brian, if you were in my place, what would you think? If after the first night when you called and were told by my best friend that it wasn’t a really good time to speak to me but there you on the phone were hearing a load of raucous noise in the background, what would you have thought? If after all of the non-communicative silence of the past months, not the comfortable silence we’ve grown accustomed to, my phone suddenly keeps going to voicemail when you call, what would you think?”

Sadly, I can see his point, but I don’t want to. Things really have been strained between Justin and I in ways that still do not make any sense to me. Even during that unmentionable episode of our lives, we were still able to talk, even if it was about nonsense. We just got each other. When did that change? It’s like he and I are no longer able to read each other beyond knowing when one is hiding and the other is avoiding. I don’t want all that Justin and I have worked towards- both individually and collectively- to die a quick death without a fight.

“Let’s say your theory of the ‘DND’ feature on my phone is true, how would that explain Ted and Em’s phones not ringing or being answered either?”

“You all have the same phones, but honestly, I don’t know. Again, it’s just a theory which only came about after my temper tantrum. But I can prove the emails and text messages I sent to you last week since they were saved on the cloud. Did you know that’s another feature? Anyway, as soon as we land and I can set up the printer, I’ll print them out for you, Brian. I know I’m not crazy.”

His conviction in what he’s saying has me sold that he’s telling the truth. I can’t help but wonder what he’s said in the messages and emails, yet I dread finding out. Knowing Justin when he’s pissed, they wouldn’t have been ‘Sunshine’ at all. In fact, they would have been brutally honest, no minced words or sugar-coated double entendres to hide behind; nothing written would be open to interpretation. That’s the side of Justin Cole Taylor-Kinney that no one sees, although they have glimpses every now and then. But me... I get to see all facets of his personality, or I did until he became so closed off to me. But it’s both what I love and loathe about him.

“You guys all set?” Ted asks, coming over to make sure we were doing okay. I guess we weren’t the only ones engaged in our intense conversation. I hadn’t noticed until now just how quiet the first class lounge actually is.

“Yeah, we’re fine. Speaking of which… I guess we should go and get the new cellphones before Michael decides to put in an appearance.”

“You really think he’ll show up?”

“Ben controls everything; do you think he won’t?”

“But Michael doesn’t realize that. He would never bother to look at the fine print of any document.”

“True, but it doesn’t mean he’s stupid enough to chance losing his meal ticket until he’s found a replacement either.”

“What about David?”

“Don’t you mean what about me and Deb? We’re the ones who supported him when he moved back here. Although Debbie still might give handouts, I don’t. It was my money that paid the bulk of Michael’s expenses. Debbie mostly fed him, which is a hefty expense all its own.”

Ted nodded. “So Alex said that we would still be able to reach each other with your new phone?”

“Yeah, but it’s only to be for business. I’ll give you more details once I know and text you from the new number. Justin, are you ready?”

I watch him close out the last of the emails he’s been busy sending. I want to ask him about them but I know he’ll probably tell me on the plane. At least it will give us something uncontentious to talk about. We may disagree about business sometimes, but we always manage to compromise. We move across the floor to the other side of the lounge, where Alex is in conversation with the other counselors. Seeing us, he pauses before remembering why we are there.”

He smiles before handing us each a phone. “Once I give you these, I’ll have control over your current devices. Are you sure you don’t want to wait until we get to the island to hand them over?”

“Not me,” Justin says. “I’ve been taking care of things all morning so anything else can wait until we get there. I’ll just text Tory, Ted, and Emmett the new numbers.”

“Emmett?” I ask.

He rolls his eyes. “Yes. Emmett is doing the catering for the Honey’s Restaurant and Grill in less than a month. Since I’m handling the campaign for that, all changes have to go through me and that includes the menu. We’ve talked about this, remember?”

I vaguely remember that conversation since the owner of the restaurant was a former trick of mine who thought I would give him a repeat, this time in celebration. Co-owning Kinnetik with Justin Taylor-Kinney sure had its advantages. He took over the account, effectively squashing any further contact with him. Horace Neilsen had gotten the message very quickly that Justin was not to be toyed around with or pushed. “I didn’t realize that the launch was coming up so soon, that’s all.”

Justin snickered. “Still can’t believe you fucked a guy named Horace though. That realization must be absolutely HOR-rifying; just plain HOR-rendous…”

“Twat!” I yell, but there is no heat in it. It was classic Justin to remind me of why I refused to get names before and after I fucked. Had I known Horace’s name, we would have lost out on a ten million dollar account. Yes, it’s one of our smaller accounts these days, but money is money. “So now that you’ve had your grand old time at my expense, let’s get back to the matter at hand, shall we?”

“Sure. So as I’ve said, I can pull up whatever else needs to be pulled off of the phone via computer, so I have no problems handing it over now. Are all of the contacts you requested of Brian and I loaded already, Alex?”

“Surely Justin. Did you have any more to add now?”

“Not yet, but there are a few more accounts in the works. As long as Cynthia and Tory can reach me, I won’t worry too much.”

“Same goes for me, Alex. By the way, how are these registered?”

“Why do you ask?” Alex asks me and I just look at him, letting my question hang in the air. He chuckles when he finally gets it. “Oh they are registered under my name, and that includes Skype. I made sure that Cynthia and Ted have that information directly.”

“So there is no way Michael will find us on any network while on the island?”

“Unless he’s a closet computer hacker, no. Even if you’re using your laptops, the network is secure. Since each room and villa is given its own IP address but not labeled, it would be like looking for a needle in a haystack. It will be as if you’re not there since he won’t be able to see you unless it’s on the off-chance that you are all in the main square at the same time.”

“Speak of the devil and he appears,” Justin says quietly, causing all of us to stop and listen. I can’t help but pinch the bridge of my nose at the obnoxious sound of Michael’s bleating.

The attendant is not letting Michael roam freely into the lounge. Ordinarily, anyone without a first class ticket wouldn’t be allowed in, but there is an exception because of our destination. Of course the only people other than Justin, who know that I upgraded our tickets to first class are Alex and Ted, who were doing the exact same thing. There was no way they were going to chance being stuck in business class with Michael and Ben. I can’t say that I blame them, since with Ben’s look in his direction alone, Michael should have turned into a block of ice by now. Nope! I’m very glad I had the forethought to upgrade the tickets, even if I would have done it just before boarding anyway.

“I better go take care of this.” Barry sighs and shakes his head. I swear I’ve seen death row inmates move faster when walking towards their lethal injection than he is in getting to Michael.

“Well quickly guys, before he spots us,” Alex urges. Justin and I hand over our phones, even as I remind him of his promise to print the emails and text messages up for me. At Alex’s puzzled look, I explain what Justin was saying about the missed messages from last week. He nods. “I think that’s a good idea. If possible, I’ll ask the other counselors to do the same for their clients. But the outcome of those findings, no matter how curious you become, is not your concern. I’m sure that by the time your sessions are finished, they will be anxious to reconnect. Who knows? The case of the mystery messages might be a good way to do so.”

Finally the commotion at the door is dying down but….

“BRIIIIIIAAAAANNNNNNNN!!!!! Hey, I didn’t know you would be here. Where are you going? How come you haven’t called me to apologize yet? I waited all night for you to come to your senses! So why haven’t you called?” He stands there pouting with folded arms and tapping his foot.

Fuck! This is going to be a long trip…

IN OR OUT: BOOK II: CHAPTER 1

MICHAEL

After the morning from hell, I am so glad to see him! After my talk with Ma yesterday, I figured that Brian needed a cooling off period. So I refrained from calling him a million times. God, that was so hard! Anyway, I dropped by to see Ma this morning at the Diner, asking if she’d had a chance to talk to Ben. When she said that she never caught up to him after leaving me, I asked for her advice on how to handle this whole thing with him. I’m not so stupid that I don’t realize that I have to keep him around for various reasons, but last week’s fiasco gave me another good reason to do so.

You see, whenever I speak my mind and my meaning is misunderstood by others, Ben is the one who they will listen to. He always starts out with “I think what Michael means…” or “I’m sure Michael didn’t mean it as bad as it sounded…” See, between him, Ma, and Brian, I get to be as nastily honest to Blake and Justin as I want, knowing that they will excuse and justify it for me. Ted does it now too. So see? I need him to keep the Twinks-Who-Are All- Bubble- Butts- And-No-Brains in line. Last week at the restaurant was a prime example of that.  

They were discussing business at the dinner table, which was a topic that was way over my head. So I casually mentioned that we would have been better off staying in P-Town among the men; that it was far more pleasant than listening to the Bubble Gum Twins going on about some fucking business venture that Brian and Ted would most assuredly be footing the bill for. Then I asked how many blowjobs were they willing to give for an open checkbook, and was it limited to just their partners, or did it include other people, like Dr. Crystal and Ethan. It was a simple joke but Twink Boy Blake didn’t see the humor in me offering the number of  David’s friend, who’s an orthopedist. Surely, his poor knees would have been taking a beating from the amount of cash he and Justin were talking.  I mean, come on! No one could possibly be fooled into thinking that all those drugs he consumed were given out of the kindness of Tino and the Doc’s ‘good’ heart or that he actually had the money to pay. I can’t understand what was so bad about reminding him of his time out there. I mean, he must have liked doing it, since he kept going back for more drugs, right?

As for Blond Boy Ass, Justin really kills me playing the self-righteous card, when he’s done more drugs and recreational fucking without Brian than they ever did together. Just because I didn’t use the backroom at Babylon to fuck all that often, didn’t mean that I haven’t seen him in action a time or seven hundred. He’s a fucking slut and I called him on it, yet again. But instead of backing me up, my friends remained silent until one of them- I’m not sure which one- told me that I was jealous because no one like their dick gnawed to sawdust. I mean, so what I grind my teeth but I hardly ever do it when I’m awake. That’s when I found out that the guy I almost cheated on David with, whom I actually fucked when I first came back to Pittsburgh from Portland, told Blond Boy Ass that he would have gotten more pleasure dry-humping Tanis from the GLC than he did from fucking me. I probably would have just laughed it off, except that the guy and his lover were in the restaurant and confirmed what Blond Boy Ass was told.

Anyway, do you know what Ma had the nerve to say to me this morning? That she refuses to talk some sense into Ben on my behalf, since it would cost her everything she held dear. I should be the ONLY one who fits that bill! So I ordered her to do so and told her that she owed it to me. Well Step-Dick aka Carl, told me that they both agreed that it was time for me to grow up and own my shit for once. What the fuck was that supposed to mean? Of course I own my shit. Hell it comes out whenever I go to use the bathroom and feel the urge, so what they said makes no sense! I started to tell her that but she just gave me a kiss on the cheek, told me to pack plenty of sunscreen and shoved me out of the door. What the hell?! I think the world has gone mad. It’s a poor day when a mother abandons her son’s cause because of the outsider she’s newly married to.

Then when I got to this godforsaken zoo, otherwise known as Pittsburgh International Airport, everything just seemed to collapse in on itself. I went to the airline Ben and I usually fly, only to be told they don’t have a reservation under the Novotny-Bruckner name. After arguing with the broad at the counter for almost twenty minutes, her manager came out to inform me of two things: a) if I didn’t stop yelling they would be happy to call security and see me banned from the airport in general and b) their airline didn’t fly to the destination. He finally suggested that I go to customer service after being extremely unhelpful. I only told him that the bitch behind the counter deserved a write-up for not telling me that shit in the first place. After all, I’m a customer and should have been told that I was right and have the call made to customer service on my behalf, instead of having to go back into the sea of humanity rushing to and fro to find their own flights.

Well apparently, the cunty manager called down to customer service, ahead of my arrival there. First to lodge a complaint against me and then confirmed that I was on my way there. The security jackasses were standing there waiting for me and made me sign some form telling them that I am aware of the complaint and one more wrong move, I would be banned for a period of one-year. After another significant delay, I was finally pointed to the Liberty Air terminal, which lo and be-fucking-hold was on the other side of the damn building. When I asked if I could get a ride down there and confirmed that I was not disabled, they told me I could have the service for a hundred dollars. For some fucking reason, they split that bullshit fee between the airport and the airline and since it’s in a contract, it can’t be broken. Well I figured, fuck that, I would walk. It was one of those times in my life that I wish I had thought to go to the bank instead of going to see my mother this morning.

Anyway to make matters fucking worse, during the walk to the fucking boondocks, I got a call from Ben’s attorney, whom I also use on occasion. That fucking brain-damaged twink Justin is still trying to force me to give up my rights to Rage. He can suck eighteen dicks and choke on them all and I still wouldn’t let him buy me out. Besides, I can’t. That’s partially Ben’s decision since I put the store in his name and I haven’t told him all the details about this situation yet. In fact, I have no intention of telling him about this latest offer. He’ll just make me do what Justin wants. The fucked up thing is, I know that Ben has the money to buy Justin out, but he won’t do it. He said that giving me sole control of the comic would have me fucking it up and making it as valuable as used toilet paper. His statement made me want to kill off JT and Ken in real life, instead of just within the pages. I still cannot believe that he has been siding with Justin so far, in terms of the storyline. Why can’t they all see that just like in Real Life, Zephyr and Rage belong together?! It’s really beginning to piss me off!

Barry is making his way over to me to straighten out this idiot, who won’t let me into the lounge. It’s about time someone did what they were supposed to do this morning, which is to take care of things on my behalf.

“Good Morning, Michael. Problem?”

“Plenty of them! First, I don’t know what kind of special idiots they have working at the airport these days but everyone of them need to either go in for sensitivity training or get fired! I have been looking everywhere for you guys,” I complain.

“I don’t see why you were having such a problem. I sent you a text, at Ben’s request, telling you where we would be, how to get here and when you would be expected.”

“I didn’t receive any message!” I state indignantly, while pulling my cell phone out. I’m stunned when I read: Message 7:35 am. Good Morning Michael. We will be at the Liberty Air Terminal, for flight 146 leaving today at noon. Please tell the attendant at the counter that you are here with the contingent bound for Seascape and they will show you to the lounge. Hopefully you will make it; I think the trip will do you and Ben some good. In the meantime, hope things are well with you. Take Care, Barry… “This doesn’t mean anything! You could have, and should have called to confirm that I received your message.”

“Oh, I’m sorry Michael, but I thought I was dealing with a fully functional adult who is perfectly capable of making his own decisions and tending to his own affairs. Well at least that’s the hope anyway,” he tells me, nodding his head at the snickering attendant. “Why don’t you come in and get yourself situated. Perhaps get a drink to calm your frayed nerves before our flight is called, which should happen in about fifteen minutes or so. Has your luggage already been checked in?”

I narrow my eyes at him, knowing there was an insult in there somewhere, but his tone sounds so reasonable that I’m not sure where it is. I roll my eyes again. “Yeah my luggage has been checked in. Has Ben… BRIAN! BRIIIAAANNNNNN!!!” Just the fucking person I need to see! I rush over to him. “Hey, I didn’t know you would be here. Where are you going? How come you haven’t called me to apologize yet? I waited all night for you to come to your senses! So why haven’t you called?” I stand there waiting impatiently, with folded arms and tapping my foot so he knows I mean business. He owes me a fucking explanation and I fully intend to get it!

“Apolo…. Michael, you weren’t, and still aren’t, high on my list of priorities. And as I recall, you barged into my loft, uninvited and being your usual demanding self. From where I stand, I’m not the one who should be dishing out apologies but whatever…”

“So you’re... that’s it? You’re not going to apologize for threatening me?”

“No.”

“Well why not?!” I can feel my temper beginning to spiral out of control. And after the morning I’ve had, it’s not going to be long before I explode.

“Because. I. Meant. Every. Fucking. Word. Michael. See? No need for me to apologize after all, now is there?” He tells me before walking away to whisper something to Alex, and to that fucking blond asshole, who is smirking. That’s another person I need to address this morning, so I follow him across the lounge. “You just can’t help yourself, can you Justin?”

He rolls his eyes and sighs loudly, looking as if he would rather be anywhere but talking to me. Well too fucking bad! He and I are going to have this out, right now. I’ve never wanted to hit anyone so badly in my life as much as I do this little arrogant puppy!

“Good morning to you too, Michael. Or at least it was. Look, I’ll make this brief, as mine and Brian’s names are about to be called to board. I have made my final offer before this goes to court.”

“What the fuck do you mean ‘your final offer?’ I thought I made myself clear that I was not going to let you buy me out of my own fucking comic!”

“The offer is very generous; more than you deserve actually.”

“It was mine! My dream, my idea, my…”

“Your vision of what you think mine and Brian’s lives were really about?” He sounds exasperated, before he narrows his eyes at me. “Let’s get one thing straight, Michael… Rage and all its storylines are loosely based on mine and Brian’s life together. You couldn’t come up with an original thought, let alone a plausible plot, if it came up and bit you on those marbles you call balls. So here’s the thing… you can sign over the rights and I pay you for them or…”

“Or?”

“Or I can sue you for the rights, which I will win, and I will also file a claim of defamation, which I probably won’t win, but it will make people think twice about working with you ever again in the comic business. Honestly, that’s pretty much how they already feel about working with you now, but there may be some newbie schmuck out there that would still be willing.”

“You can’t do this!”

“Actually I can, since I’m the other owner of the comic. I think twenty-five grand to never have to work with you again would be well spent. Otherwise, the comic goes to waste, and while I’m still running my various businesses, you will only be running Red Cape… into the ground. Which, without Rage, is exactly what’s happening anyway. Selling the rights to Rage to me will at least keep you afloat until you can work out a new business plan to possibly keep the store open for a while longer.”

I hate the smug look he has on his face when speaking about the real situation with my store. I mean sure, I sell things other than Rage. But it’s nothing compared to the sales are when a new issue comes out.

“Brian, you’re just going to stand there and let this happen?”

“The business regarding the comic is strictly between you and Justin. Besides, I can’t exactly understand why don’t want to sell it to him. It’s an automatic profit in your favor.”

“What do you mean, Brian? You know that this has always been my dream. You’re just going to let him steal it from me?”

“He’s not stealing anything from you; he’s offering you a monetary band-aid for your failing business. Maintaining Red Cape Comics is bleeding your husband dry. It’s also not turning a large enough profit to entice anyone to want to partner or invest in it. Basically, it’s a money pit and you’re about to sink, not only yourself, but Ben too. I think you owe it to him to take Justin’s offer seriously, sell the store and walk away debt-free. Not doing so is going to cost Ben more than he can afford and something will have to go.”

“The human noose around his neck, for example,” Justin cuts in, and I realize he’s talking about me.  The nerve of that fucking little upstart!

“Brian, if the money situation with Ben is all that bad, which I don’t think it is, why can’t you just gift me the money to run the store?”

“Gift?”

“Yeah. I know we’ve tried loans before but… I mean… well, you have money. There’s no reason why it shouldn’t have been looked at as a gift from the onset instead of a business deal. I mean, we’re best friends, right? And as such, you should want to do whatever it takes to help me out of a jam.”

“Wow! I didn’t think that true friendship came with a price tag. Brian, I think you should redefine your definition, because it seems to me that although you’re a true friend to Michael, bailing his ass out every time his hobby cost more than he can afford, he doesn’t consider you important enough to keep his word to pay back the loans.”

“Shut the hell up, Justin. Mine and Brian’s relationship has absolutely nothing to do with you!” I scream at him and go even angrier when he just laughs at me.

“Apparently, it doesn’t have anything to do with Brian either, just his hard-earned bank account. Do yourself a favor, Michael… take the money, sell Red Cape, and pay Brian and your husband back before you find yourself not only broke, but broken. I don’t think that Ben is appreciating the fact that you have your head so far up Brian’s ass that he can’t even shit you out, while you are neglecting your own husband and his needs, including having a secure place to live and the way to pay for it. Now as far as I’m concerned, I’ll be expecting the contract signed and this deal completed before the end of the week. Or you can save me the trouble of waiting and I’ll have my attorney issue the court summons by Friday at noon.”

“Shows what you know… I won’t even be in town on Friday,” I tell him smugly.

“Yes I know. But I also know that as long as you’re served with the papers, the summons will still be valid. Since I’ll know where you are, there’s no need to worry about getting the paperwork to you. In the meantime, you might want to talk your decision over with Ben.”

“Why? He has nothing to do with this!”

“Well unless you plan to become an adult for once and pay your own bills for that dust trap you call a store, then his money will be paying it. I think you owe it to him to discuss the matter of selling the rights to Rage. I’m sure that twenty-five grand would help him out tremendously, as it will be the difference between having a mortgage for your house, or having insurmountable debt and being homeless. Your choice.”

Justin walks away leaving me with Brian. I hate the way my best friend watches his every move as if he’s afraid to look away. This shit has got to stop! “Brian, you forgot to answer my question about where you’re going.”

He shakes his head before looking at me. “I didn’t forget; I simply didn’t see a reason to tell you. I would suggest you take Justin seriously, Michael. He isn’t playing around about this. But I want you to answer me this, and really think about what it is you’re demanding of me. If you had money and I wanted it for something, would you just ‘gift’ it to me, never expecting anything in return?”

“Brian, be serious! If I had money I would invest it in collectibles and the things I wanted, not just give it away. That would be stupid.” I roll my eyes at the absurdity of his question.

“That’s what I thought.” Brian answered, as he looked away, still sniffing after that piece of blond boy ass.

Why would he even ask me something like that? Of course I wouldn’t lend my money out like that. But I’m not Brian; he’s always taken care of me. Besides, I have too many things I could spend my money on, like the comic con coming up in another three months. That’s another reason I won’t sell my share of Rage to Justin. They specifically requested him as the creator of Rage. If I sell it to him, I won’t be able to force my way in and be acknowledged as the person who also created the comic. I mean, so what if he did most of the work required to make the comic the graphic novel that it is while I rewrote story lines based on personal observations. My contribution was just as important! Anyway, I won’t expect any less of Brian, he should be putting my needs before his own to get fucked regularly during this situation, regardless that it’s his steady fuck-of-convenience named Justin Taylor that’s causing the problem. He owes ME his loyalty, not his trick du jour, and that loyalty better extend to his bank account. But back to the matter at hand, which is getting Justin off my back with Brian’s help...

“Yeah well, so you won’t let him do this to me, right? After all, you owe me for all the times I was there for you, even when you were in the wrong.”

“And when was that? When was I wrong as you saw it, hmm?”

I’m not going to back down from this. So since he wants an example, I’ll happily supply him with one. “Like with Kip Thomas all those years ago.”

“If I recall, all you did was buy some junk food and come over to my place to smoke up my primo weed. Let’s not forget that you had to sneak out from your jailor, lie on your mother about her being sick to said jailor, and then berate me for fucking him in the first place.”

“Yeah, well that’s more than what Justin did for you.”

“And that is where you are wrong, Michael. Just having Justin being there, believing in me and my innocence was more than you have ever done for me! I have to wonder though… was it that I fucked Kip in the first place or was it that my job, and therefore my money, was on the line because he was a weasel, that had you the most upset?” I couldn’t answer, and so Brian took that to mean that he knew what the answer was. “Thought so… well, it doesn’t matter now. And the fact that Kip was proven a liar, who had tried the same shit before with a former employer which resulted in him being terminated from his job prior to working for Ryder, also doesn’t matter now.” He shrugs as if my presence during that whole mess meant nothing to him. But I can feel the urge to lash out as he continues to speak. “What does matter is that it’s time for you to solve your own fucking problems with Ben and Justin. I’m out of it, and for the last time, I’m not giving you any money- not as a gift nor as a loan! You can’t be trusted with money and you’re a bad credit risk. As for my own situation with Justin, with any luck I’ll be able to finally show Justin how much I appreciate him, then and now; and with any luck, he’ll finally let me. You should probably try that with your husband before he takes your silence as a sign that you don’t want him around anymore. Then where will you be?”

He leaves me rooted to the spot while I watch, filled with anger and envy, as he joins Justin. I really have to find a way to separate the two of them. And the sooner the better!

THE WIFE or THE MISTRESS: BOOK II CHAPTER 1

BLAKE

Okay. So I’m terribly tempted to go over and ask Justin what has him so steamed up. Looking at him from this distance, I swear you would think that he was contemplating various ways of murdering Michael. I’ve been known to think of all the ways myself, including becoming like those smart bastards on the show I Almost Got Away With It, my current addiction on the ID channel. Ben could probably star on the other show Who the {Bleep} Did I Marry, because it certainly isn’t the boy-next-door he thought he did.

I’m still quite amazed at how Michael has managed to snow everyone for so long. I mean, even before I officially met Teddy, back in my tweaking days, it wasn’t hard for me to discern what a clingy and opportunistic asshole Michael Novotny has always been. I really wonder where he got his manipulative personality from. I know Deb can be that way, as evidenced by how many times she’s railroaded the others into forgiving and forgetting every shitty thing Michael does to people that aren’t her. One thing I’ve learned about Debbie is that if Michael’s assholery doesn’t affect her life directly, it’s as if it doesn’t exist. Her brother Vic, God rest his soul, wasn’t like that. He was honest to a fault, and even if he was a bit passive at times, he was still able and willing to call Michael on his shit, regardless of it angered Debbie.

As for me, I have developed a low tolerance for his bullshit over the years. I used to just sit and watch him; study him like the most unusual of species known to mankind. After the whole Stockwell incident where I heard Michael lauding Brian while disparaging- or should I say negating- Justin’s part in it, well there was no more keeping silent. My talkbacks started out subtle and quietly, biding my time to when I could really let Michael have a piece of my mind for all the mindgames I’d watched him play over the years. But it was when he literally talked down Justin’s influence over Brian using his money to basically save us all from ruin at the hands of Stockwell, instead of lending it to him, to once again save his ass from the creditors he owed, which he didn’t want Ben to know about, well that was my breaking point. Ted had tried to smooth things over for me so that I wouldn’t ruffle the Mother Hen and Baby Chick’s feathers unduly, but I couldn’t have given a flying fuck if Debbie and Michael were angry. Fuck, I was angry too! I still am, and have been steadily becoming so for the last few years, ever since I arrived back in Teddy’s life. And hearing him over there still ranting about Brian’s supposed mistreatment to Emmett is making me even more so.

I’m so tempted to just go over there and punch him in the mouth, anything to get him to shut the hell up. But before I can follow my violent inclination, my attention is drawn to Bernard at the front of the waiting room. I look at my watch and notice that it’s close to boarding time. I know that Teddy upgraded our tickets at the same time Brian did his and Justin’s. It’s a relief to know that I will be away from Michael “Complain Train” Novotny-Bruckner in just a few more minutes. At the very least, it’s going to save me a lawsuit and some serious jail time for assault and battery.

“The other therapists and I have decided to begin as we all mean to go on. That said, you are each going to be given two notebooks- one for individual sessions and the other to address what you need to work on as a couple. The second notebook will be exchanged between you both at the beginning of each session, while it’s completely up to the individual to share their private thoughts with their mates. All of us hope that by the end of this journey, you will understand yourselves and each other better. So your first assignments will be an entry into each book. The question you will each answer is what you want out of this experience.”

“But I don’t need any damn individual sessions! The idea of me coming was to fix things between me and Ben. Also now that I know the guys are coming, we can have some fun too. Even though we went away last week, it still didn’t give me that ‘old times sake’ feel, since they were all so preoccupied with their whatever-we-are-calling-them-this-week.”

“Whatever… you know what Michael, we’re still wondering what to call you!” I can’t help it, I explode at him.

“Look you, Drugged up imitation of Boy Wonder, you…”

“That’s enough, Novotny!” Bernard yells.

“It’s Novotny-Bruckner, thank you very much. And I don’t appreciate the way I’m being treated! Ben, aren’t you going to say anything?” He looks over to Ben, whose face is darkening in anger by the second.

“What would you have me say, Michael? Especially since I agree that it’s enough! Look, if you don’t want to be here; if you don’t want to fix things, then why don’t you just go home. Go home, Michael!”

He gasps, as do Ted and Emmett. Something about that statement, said that exact same way, has some significance to all of them. As for Brian, he and Justin appear to be silently communicating again, casting looks and smirks in Michael’s direction. It’s apparent that they agree with Ben, as do I.

“I told you about that in confidence, Ben. And I don’t appreciate you throwing that up in my face right now!”

“It’s not my fault that I understand completely why David chose that exact wording, now is it? If you weren’t acting like this is some game, maybe that sentence wouldn’t have crossed my mind. All you’ve done since you arrived is act as a brat throwing a tantrum, and threatening to take their ball home because you’re not getting your way. Understand this, Michael...this is it! There will be no more chances given and I will walk away from this marriage without a regret. I’m trying. Whether you do or not is entirely up to you.” Ben states emphatically, before turning back to Bernard. “I’m sorry for the interruption. Please continue.”

Bernard inclines his head in acknowledgment, although the shock is plainly written on his face. I think it’s safe to say we all have that look right now. It’s a rare day when any of us see Zen Ben almost about to lose control and actually yell at Michael. I guess we all have our breaking points, and it looks like Ben is about to reach his.

I draw him into my side as he’s about to pass me and whisper, “Calm down, Professor. Sometimes you have to show a child how to act by example. Don’t let Michael think he’s winning, or misinterpret your ‘trying’ statement as begging him to stay. We all know he’ll do that.”

He nods at me and gives me a brief hug before turning to face Bernard, who is still at the front.

“To correct Michael’s assumption…”

“Mr. Novotny-Bruckner, if you will. You don’t know me personally like that,” Michael interrupts again.

Bernard rolls his eyes. “And hope never to,” we hear him mutter clearly before casting a sympathetic look in Barry’s direction. He clears his throat. “Fine! To correct Mr. Michael Novotny-Bruckner’s assumption, there will not be an opportunity to ‘hang out’ with your friends. Each couple has their own brand of work to do, and it will require being present mentally, physically, and emotionally, to accomplish your goals both as individuals and as a couple. We all are of the same mind that just like charity begins at home, therapy begins with you, the individual. The single sessions are designed so that you can speak freely before talking those things that bother you over with your partner. It’s designed to give you a safe space so that instead of projecting your own issues onto your relationship, you’ll be able to tell your partners what you need from them in order to work through them. It’s obvious to all of us- your Professional Solution Representatives, since some of you have a problem with the words shrink or counselor, Brian…” That causes most of us to laugh. Michael is still scowling with his arms folded. But the fact that he’s still here must mean something, right? Bernard starts again after the chuckling dies down. “...that the core of what you are going through, whatever insecurities you are feeling within yourselves, has now filtered into your relationships. We don’t want that and I’m certain you don’t either. So take the six hour flight to really delve into your psyches and write down what you want to take away from this experience. Be specific in your goals, outline it if you have to, or just put it in the form of a letter, but underline the things you really want to work on. And remember, we’re here to help you with this so don’t be afraid to ask questions. There is no right or wrong way to approach this but there are different alternatives to how you process the information given to you by your PSRs and your partners.”

He’s finished just in time for the first class passengers to board. As I look around, the only one still standing waiting to be called from our group is Michael. I debate on whether I should upgrade his ticket myself in the spirit of fairness when I feel a familiar touch on my shoulder.

“Don’t you dare, Blake. He’s made his bed, let him wallow in it,” Ted tells me. I have to admit that I am once again surprised by Teddy, who is usually pro-Michael.

“Why not?”

“Outside of not wanting to hear him whine the whole flight, I think Ben needs the break and that Justin needs the distance.”

I look past him to see Ben speaking in soft tones to Brian. He looks so drained all of a sudden, but it’s Justin that holds my interest. He’s on his phone, but the rigidity of his posture is speaking volumes. “I guess Justin is no longer willing to wait the week, huh?”

Teddy shook his head. “No, he’s not. Michael has finally pushed him too far with what he said to Emmett before Bernard got up to address us.”

“What did he say that was any different than what he normally does? What did Justin overhear?”

“The one thing that Brian has kept from him. The truth of why Michael got punched by Brian in the first place… that he wished Chris Hobbs had finished the job.”

“Oh. My. God!”

“Yeah. And that’s why Justin needs to be disconnected from Michael as soon as possible. Otherwise, I fear we’ll be bailing him out of jail.”

“And Brian doesn’t know that Justin knows?”

“If he did, Michael’s flight would be automatically cancelled, because he’d be on his way to the morgue. If there’s one thing- one person this has to be kept from right now- it’s Brian. Emmett already had to stop Drew from hurting Michael, so could you imagine if he had to stop Brian?”

Suddenly I’m damn glad that we will all be on opposite ends of the island.

FIRE AND ICE: BOOK II: CHAPTER 1

EMMETT

Oh my God… oh my God… oh my God!! I now understand why Brian laid into Michael as he did at Mel and Lindz’s tenth anniversary party all those years ago! I had to stop myself from flaying him alive when he said that Chris Hobbs should have finished Justin off. What fucking nerve! Hell, I had to stop Drewsie and that’s not an easy thing, let me tell you!

My eyes drift over to Justin, and I suddenly know he’s heard Michael’s malicious declaration. It’s in the determined set of his shoulders; in the way he’s punctuating each word into his phone. Justin is on the phone to his attorney, ordering that he get down to the island before we do to meet Michael with the papers, severing all ties with him. Is there no end to Michael’s viciousness? I have to wonder how none of us ever saw this side of him.

“Harry, I don’t give a fuck how it’s accomplished! I’m calling Clarence to ask if you can use his jet immediately, to be returned tonight. Give him the comic ownership papers first, and then issue the cease and desist order for all previous and current issues. This way he can’t use any of the characters, even if he could find someone to draw the comic. They are all under the JTDesigns copyright, and are subject to infringement laws if he tries. He won’t make another fucking penny with my artwork, nor my name!”

“Justin, you do realize that the C&D means all of the merchandise has to be pulled, including the action figures and other paraphernalia associated with the franchise?”

“Yeah I do. He’ll have to look at his failure and what his jealousy costs him, every single day. But the important thing in all of this is that I can start over; he can’t. Get on it!” He hangs up the phone and calls Clarence Macy, a mutual friend between him, Brian, and myself. He’s Brian’s former college roommate, who just happens not to be able to stand Michael.

After realizing and acknowledging that he’s always been Bisexual, he met Jefferson and they have been together going on fifteen years. Justin and I met him when Brian and Justin needed the heat taken off of them when their involvement in Stockwell’s downfall became public knowledge. The reporters were camping out at all of their haunts and there wasn’t any place for them to have peace leading up to the former Police Chief’s indictment. Teddy was worshipping at the altar of Ms. Crystal then and I needed to get away from it all. Clarence was a godsend back then.

Between him and Melanie, they convinced Brian to sue Vance for wrongful termination, plus there was a clause in Brian’s partnership contract that Mel had snuck in there. It stated that Brian had to be bought out of the partnership, unless Brian was proven fraudulent in his dealings. He wasn’t. Needless to say that Vanguard Agency is still paying the price for their egregious error, since Brian opening Kinnetik costs them all of their big money clients. Vance was forced to declare bankruptcy first and then close their doors for good last year.

Just goes to show it’s not only what you know, but who you know that matters. Macy Motor Corporation, alongside Remsen Pharmaceuticals and Brown Athletics, were amongst Kinnetik’s first clients. You can’t beat that! By the time Justin explains the situation to him, Justin has to call Harry back and board the plane within the next half hour. Ironically, Clarence was also on his way to the resort anyway.

Fuck! I don’t think I’ve ever seen this vicious side of Justin before. He's like a viper; striking out precisely and without hesitation. I’m not sure whether to like it or fear it… But I do respect it. It's not everyday that one gets to see Justin fighting back in such a cold, calculating way.

It's definitely a sight to behold.

In fact, he’s hitting Michael where it will hurt the most, which is actually two places: his ego, and his wallet. With the dissolution of the partnership between the supposed co-Creators of Rage- truly Justin did all the REAL work- Michael will be no longer welcome as a speaker at comic cons. He’ll go back to being a regular patron of comics instead of a writer of one. That kind of obscurity is the worst kind of punishment for Michael, even more than the lack of finances. He'll once again become a nobody within comic circles once the truth of the matter gets out, and will all know it will since Michael Novotny was never one to suffer in silence.

I remember Brian mentioning once that it was better to cross him, than it was to do it to Sunshine. He said that he would at least be lenient when meting out punishment, whereas one would never see Justin coming until it was too late. I think I finally understand what he means. Listening to him issue another set of instructions has me relieved that I'm not the one in his crosshairs. But Michael, being Michael, definitely brought all of Justin's actions upon himself. 

“Ready to board, Em?”

“Yeah, Drewsie. I am, but I think I’ll wait for Baby to get on first. Michael never knows when to shut up, and I fear what might happen should Michael choose to push Justin at this moment.”

He nods at me and murmurs, “Yeah, I know what you mean. I mean, if I almost lost it and Michael’s tirade wasn’t even about me…”

“Exactly! Now we just have to keep the Big Bad from hearing what happened.”

“Why? Surely if Brian heard Michael spewing what should be considered way beyond hate, it will finally open his eyes to the man he continually chooses over Justin.”

“Oh, I think Brian’s eyes have been opened in recent days. But I don’t relish what will happen should he find out that the reason he punched Michael all those years ago is being revisited again.”

“You mean that twerp has said that same shit before?!”

“Yeah, some years ago when Mel and Lindz were still together. He caught a left hook a la Brian Kinney. And even though they made up, I don’t think Brian has ever really forgiven Michael for saying that.”

“I wouldn’t have either. It’s one thing to think some bullshit like that, but to actually say it… Well, if it had been me Michael would still be shitting his teeth. How could you all so blithely overlook that?!”

I find myself momentarily angry at his harsh criticism, but I realize he’s right. “It wasn’t that we’ve overlooked it, Drewsie. It’s just… well Michael is our only connection to the mother figure in our lives. Jennifer is a mother-figure too, but Deb… well she’s been here for us a lot longer- Brian most of all. The three of us weren’t ready to lose her support.”

“So basically you all allow Michael to hold the proverbial anvil over your heads in exchange for Deb’s conditional love and support? That’s bullshit, Emmett! If there is one thing that should go in each of your journals, it’s this sentence: I want to stop submitting to emotional blackmail from a militant midget and the termagant who begot him! Sheesh! You all are such strong men, but you’ve allowed yourselves to be turned into sissies… and it has nothing to do with the fact that you love cock! I’ll see you on the plane.”

Drew stomps off as I make my way over to Justin, who has now been joined by Brian.

“We’ve talked about this, Sunshine… why would you suddenly decide to just hand over the comic?” I hear Brian ask. I can’t help but hold my breath waiting to see how Baby will answer his question.

Justin sighs deeply. “Bri, I’m not totally giving him the comic but simply going with Plan B.”

“Plan B? We never discussed a plan B.”

“Sure we didn’t, but Brian, when have you ever known me not to have contingency plans A through Z not planned out? It’s a habit I’ve picked up through osmosis while fucking you for the last ten years. You’ve always said that your small head was as intelligent as the one that rests on your shoulders.”

“Ha, ha, very funny Sunshine.” Brian drawls, sarcasm clear in his voice. “But seriously, what’s plan B? And again why have you decided to do this now when you just told Michael he had a week to decide how this plays out?”

Justin shrugs. “I simply didn’t want to wait any longer. As for the rest, you’ll know soon enough. By the way, did you know Clarence is going to be on the island?”

“No I didn’t, and don’t change the subject!”

“I’m not changing the subject; I just consider the matter closed for right now.” The reasonable sound of Justin’s tone gives both Brian and I pause. Usually when that particular dismissive inflection makes its presence known, Justin is either about to throw a fit or wreak havoc on someone’s peace of mind. Based on what I already know, it’s the latter. I pray and hold my breath as Brian leans forward to examine the clear blue eyes of his partner, and find myself relieved when he simply nods and lets the matter rest… well at least for now.

“You guys ready?” I ask, before Brian can prod further.

“Sure am, Em,” Justin responds a little too cheerfully for mine and Brian’s liking. “Oh, let me just go find Ben and then I’ll be with you both in just a moment.” He hustles off, leaving me alone with Brian.

“Spill it, Honeycutt.”

“Spill what?” I decide to take the ditzy fag approach. Surely, he won’t see through me, right? Wrong!

“Emmett, I’m asking you to tell me what caused this sudden change of tactics in Justin.”

“Change of tactics? I haven’t noticed any such thing.”

“Bullshit! Although I was surprised to learn that Justin has decided to rescind his offer for financial compensation in exchange for exclusive rights to Rage, you weren’t. So you either know something or have suddenly gone deaf since you were standing within hearing distance.”

“Well now that you mention it…”

“Don’t do that, Em. Don’t lie to me! You and I, of all the group, have always had a friendship built on honesty, even when you thought I was an asshole. Don’t ruin my trust in you that way!”

I look at Brian...really look at him. Where there is usually a sparkle in his eyes, right now all that is there is confusion and hurt. I inhale a quick breath and release it before addressing him. “Brian, I’m not completely certain what is going on, but I know that it is in Justin’s best interest to disassociate himself from Michael as soon as he’s able. Michael has made his position about selling the comic more than clear. Hell, I think everything and everyone, including the pets, heard Michael’s screeching. As for Justin, he’s just tired, honey. He’ll tell you what you need to know.”

“It just feels like he no longer trusts me.”

“He trusts you Brian, believe me he does. It’s just… well I’m going to say it. None of us have the best track record when it comes to Michael-fueled disputes. We tend to pick sides and it seems that Justin always comes out on the wrong side of the issue. I think he just wants to wait until it’s all done before he tells you the whole of the matter. Just be a little more patient.”

“Patience has never been my virtue.”

“No it hasn’t, but don’t you think you’re old enough to learn to cultivate it now? And don’t think I didn’t notice the aforementioned slip of your tongue. My last name uttered in that manner is…”

“Hey, keep any mention of my tongue and you out of the same sentence.” Brian mock shudders and I can’t help but laugh.

“Come on, oh squeamish one. Let’s get aboard that plane before our men decide to leave us behind!”

“What about him?” Brian points to the petulant Mr. Novotny-Bruckner sitting over in the corner waiting to be called. I can’t say that I’m sorry he won’t be joining us in first class. But although Ben upgraded his ticket to be in that section, he kept Michael’s ticket at Business class level.

“He should be grateful he isn’t riding with the rest of the herd,” I muttered, before turning back to Brian. “Don’t you dare upgrade his ticket Brian. Teddy just had to stop Blake from doing the same thing. Perhaps some time alone in BC will help him sort out his thoughts in the proper way. With no one, especially not you, to complain to, maybe he will for once just do as he is asked and make use of the journal. Michael has some decisions to make, as we all do. You can’t fix this for him. You can only work on you… and concentrate on Justin.”

“I intend to, Em. I just don’t feel like getting the backlash from Deb.”

“That’s Ben’s problem, since he paid for the tickets. But I somehow suspect that he’s beyond caring at this point.”

“He is.”

“So now back to you… you have your assignment, you have the technology, so go forth and reconquer Sunshine. Michael will be fine.”

And with that, we boarded the plane on our way into the unknown...

BEFORE I LET GO: BOOK II- CHAPTER 2

DUKE

I have to admit, as much as it pains me, seeing how I consider myself a fair person, that I wish Michael Novotny-Bruckner had missed this trip. It’s taking everything in me not to bogard Business Class and bust his ass. I can’t believe… No, correction! I CAN believe that he would be so fucking heartless, so callous, SO FUCKING EVIL to wish that Chris Hobbs had actually killed Justin Taylor. I would normally ask ‘who does that?’ but it’s clearly coming back that fucking punkass Michael has done it… and more than once!

“Penny for your thoughts?” Bernard asks me.

“Just trying to rein wayward thoughts and emotions in. It wouldn’t do well to show my patients just how human I am in this moment.”

“Let me guess...you heard Michael’s ill-thought comment too?”

“That’s the thing, Bernard. It wasn’t just ill-thought or ill-advised. It’s been spoken before! And we both know that once could have been interpreted as a mistake, but twice or more is meant and in this case, completely unforgivable. Michael meant it then and he means it now, perhaps even moreso. This is more than some bratty kid throwing a tantrum because his favorite toy was taken away. Michael has tried everything possible throughout the years to separate them, and I’m afraid that even being contained, he won’t quit. If nothing else, he’s a persistent pest.” I sigh. “But this is also something Brian should have told Justin long ago. I can’t imagine how he is going to process it all.”

We watch as Justin whispers harshly to Brian. Although they are leaning close, it’s not hard to decipher what is being said. I almost laugh aloud when Brian gets up, making a bee-line for the restroom. Surreptitiously, Justin follows after about five minutes. As soon as the ‘Occupied’ light comes on, there is a series of thumps, crashes and muffled moans ricocheting around the cabin.

It makes me glad that we chartered this plane strictly for use by the resort, as most of the passengers are gay or very liberal. There is no way that homophobic straights would have been able to tolerate the communication going on behind that closed door, even if they employed such methods in their everyday life with their own mates. Moments later Justin alights from the restroom, put together and poised, and also decidedly less pissed. Oh we all know he’s still angry, but it’s less noticeable in the set of his shoulders and the ramrod straightness of his spine. When Brian comes out, it takes everything in me not to laugh.

The poor man looks like he’s been through the ringer and there’s definitely a twitch as he tries to maintain his normal swagger going back to his seat. I look away as he gingerly tries to sit down after looking at the plush seat in consternation. To put it simply, Justin tore that ass up. I doubt it will be the last time over the course of this journey. But as anger management goes, there are worse ways he could take out his aggression.

After all, the Taylor-Kinney methods of pain management are legendary.

“Do you think they are going to be okay?” Bernard asks me.

“I honestly don’t know. But I do know that if there was ever a time they needed to talk, it’s now. Michael Novotny soon-to-be-ex Bruckner has been given too much power in their relationship from the very beginning. It will be hard to undo all of that, and if I know the manchild, he’s not going to let his stronghold go easily.”

“Even at the risk of his own relationship? Are you saying that Ben has become expendable.”

I look over at the man, now speaking with Brian and shake my head. “Sadly, he always was, Bernard. He always was.”

“Well hopefully, like any other addict, he’ll enter the withdrawal stage and look back to see what he’s done to himself and those around him.”

“That usually works when they know that they were wrong and are willing to change. They have to make a conscious effort to see their error and grow from the experience. But what happens when the addict thinks they are right and justified in their wrong thinking? They ‘yes’ us ad nauseum while continuing to do anything they can to get to their drug of choice. We’ve all seen that happen time and again in rehab, where they learn to suppress their addictions long enough for us arrogant doctors and counselors to believe they’re cured. But the moment they are released, where do they go? Back to their vices, thinking that they are fooling everyone. They learn how to hide their illness better, until the next time they are caught red-handed. That’s what we are dealing with when it comes to Michael.”

“Thankfully Ted and Blake were willing to clean up their acts but…”

“What’s bothering you?” I ask, noticing the frown on his face.

“Even with help, a recovering addict can relapse, even knowing that it’s damaging themselves.”

“Ahh, you’re worried about Blake, yeah?”

“Yeah I am. Ted is used to having money and fighting the temptation that such funds afford. He’s done exceptionally well in resisting, although I think he’s got a long way to go. With Blake’s new windfall, he’s not only on a more even keel with Ted financially, but he now has access to unlimited funds. It will make getting drugs easier; he’ll also be able to hide them better.”

“But you have to trust your ability to guide him- guide them- Bernard. I know that neither of them wants to use again, but if they can’t resolve their issues, it will be beneficial to them both to part ways.”

He nods at me. “They have always suffered the effects of ill-timing. I can’t help hoping that they finally got it right. Part of Ted’s problem was Blake leaving him in the first place after he dropped him off at that rehab center. Sure we know that Blake didn’t want Ted to see him that much of a mess, but Ted wasn’t able to see it that way then. There isn’t a guarantee he will see it differently if it happens again either.”

I take his hand, understanding just what kind of pain he’s in. We both care a lot about seeing Ted and Blake succeed where others doubted them. “Bernie, all you can do is help them. They have to keep themselves from falling. You know this, man.”

“Yeah, I do. But I can’t help but question if anything can save them. The good thing is that they are talking, even if it’s not what they should be talking about at the moment. Blake is allowing Ted to, at least, be there for him somewhat. He told me that Ted is helping him with all the newfound financial responsibilities. It will at least give them a starting point.”  

STAYING OR GOING: BOOK II- CHAPTER 2: NO ORDINARY LOVE

JUSTIN:

I gave you all the love I’ve got I gave you more than I could give; I gave you love

I gave you all that I have inside And you took my love

Didn't I tell you What I believe Did somebody say that A love like that won't last

Didn't I give you All that I've got to, give baby

I keep crying for you, I keep trying for you, Keep flying for you and I’m falling

There's nothing like you and I baby

This is no ordinary love, No ordinary love*

I’m back in my seat from probably one of the most animalistic fuck sessions Brian and I have ever had. As soon as the ‘Fasten Seatbelts’ sign went off, I dragged him to the matchbox bathroom and had my wicked way with him. I started on him the minute I closed and locked the door, kissing him as I meant for us to go on, biting his lips before sucking the stinging pain away. Several times he tried to slow me down but to no avail. I needed the angriness to dissipate before I entered business class to kill Michael with my bare hands. I was also pissed off at Brian. As I tried my best to decimated his lips, I kept hearing that fucktard’s voice.

“I told Brian once before that he should have left that conniving ungrateful twink to die and I’ve not changed my mind. In fact, I wish Chris Hobbs was here right now to finish him off as he should have then! Then he wouldn’t be here to make my life a living hell!”

The fact that Michael had said that was one thing, but the fact that Brian knew he felt that way about me was a whole other issue. To think that it was Brian’s suggestion that I keep working with that little motherfucker after he and I got back together… That shit hurts, even more than Michael’s maliciousness. I had come to expect that, but why would Brian encourage me to work with someone who hated me enough to wish me dead? I didn’t ask him, not wanting to hear any of the usual excuses about Michael.

Instead I began to strip him as much as I was able within the tiny space, and with the minimal amount of foreplay possible, lubed Brian up and fucked him hard and fast... Violently. I wanted him to feel my pain; to know how much it hurt; to know how much pain I was in all those years ago and still am now. I wanted him to hurt like I hurt, even if it was only for a little while. Then I left him in the washroom to clean himself up, without so much as a kiss of thanks.

Part of me feels really shitty for doing that. I mean, after all we’ve been through, it doesn’t detract from the fact that I love Brian to distraction. But the wounded part of me, doesn’t give a fuck! The same isolation he probably feels right now is what I’ve felt with him many times from the very beginning. Was it a revenge fuck?

Perhaps, since I don’t feel any better for having done it. I’m still in emotional agony over all of this. Instead I feel just a little justified in my reaction to finding out that Brian knew Michael spewed that filth about me. But yet in spite of that, he continued to remain friends with him despite his love for me. God, my thoughts are all over the place right now, racing with the other things that Michael holds over me, even those things that I may know nothing about.

It’s in the secret little smirks he throws my way when Brian isn’t looking. It's the way his whining voice grates on my nerves, when Brian’s attention isn’t on him but on me… Fuck! So fucking much is roiling inside of me right now. Remembering the journal, I decide to write it all down.

I begin with the simplest of decisions: what do I want from therapy…

1. To know myself again the way I used to before the bashing. That event took away my self-confidence, my self-awareness, and my innocence, such as it was.

2. To understand exactly why Ethan happened,  not just why emotionally- that I can answer myself- but why did he happen for me mentally, before I ever fucked him.

3. To understand why I stay with Brian, regardless of the fact that I love him. Has it simply become because he’s ‘safe?’ Is it because of the fear of starting over with someone else?

4. Why am I not afraid to be reckless in business, yet I live cautiously in everything else? Have I become as emotionally stilted as Brian?

Like I said, these were the easiest of questions to ask. As I sit here listening to Sade sing No Ordinary Love on repeat through my Ipod, I know that it’s time to face the really difficult situation I’m in as a married man to Brian Taylor-Kinney. To say those are the most difficult feelings to face is the understatement of my life.

1. Why did he propose? Seems an easy question and it would be for anyone else, but not with Brian. Sure he was- or should I say is?- more open than he used to be, but sometimes trying to get what should be the simplest of answers out of him is comparable to an archaeologist planning their next big find.

2. Why does he continually choose Michael over me? I mean, I know the surface reason probably has something to do with his shared history with the Novotnys from his childhood. But that excuse no longer applies… the constant ‘You owe me’ mantra no longer applies since from where I stand, Brian has repaid his debt of gratitude over and over again and that was even before he met me. A single band-aid costs a dollar and yet for providing it, or even twenty of them, they seem to think that Brian should give his life to their various causes as repayment for being a safe haven from an abusive situation? Regardless of my feelings for and about Michael, it makes me regard Debbie just as suspiciously.

3. What does Michael know about Brian that I don’t? That should be pretty straightforward, but it isn’t. There’s something that’s been nagging at me for awhile and it’s about something that happened during the first year Brian and I were together, for lack of a better term. Finding out that bit of information may be the key to all of the power Michael seems to have over me when it comes to Brian. But will he tell me?

4. If Brian really wanted me to stay, why did he push me into Ethan’s arms? And I want the truth from his standpoint, not the version where I am the heavy because I wasn’t happy. I had made my decision and he pushed me anyway. Why?

5. Does he still love me? Does he still want to be with me? Or am I just convenient to have around? Do I still inspire him? Why don’t we talk anymore? Why is it so easy for him to talk to Michael but not me?

Questions...questions...questions! All I have are fucking questions about where we’ve been, where we are and where we’re going or want to be. The silence between Brian and I is suffocating, so thick that it would take more than a knife to cut it. Does something else have to happen where he will make me a priority again like he did after I had moved in pre-Ethan? I feel like I am in this by myself, with no room to move or grow. And yet...I can’t leave him on my own. He has to push me… but I don’t want him to. I don’t want leave him!

“Shit!”

“Justin, what’s wrong?” he asks me, noticing the tenseness of my fingers. The fucking mind-numbing pain from that fucking bat is fucking with head and my hand again. But I can’t tell him that.

I slam the journals shut with my unaffected hand and push them to the side, while trying to keep the other stationary until I can massage it. Brian grips my wrist tightly, even as I try to pull it back. I don’t want him touching me right now, but he won’t relent. He’s staring at me with narrowed eyes, daring me to attempt to pull it out of his grasp just one more time. I want so badly to yell at him, but the throbbing in my head keeps me from doing so. Finally, I sigh heavily and let him tend to me, even though I still don’t want him touching me… I’m angry and confused and hurt and he’s the fucking cause of it! I don’t…

BRIAN:

He’s sitting there rigid, letting me do what I used to when his hand acts up. It’s been a long time since he’s had an attack this severe and I have to wonder why. It used to only happen when he had overexerted himself or the memories of the attack were assailing him. A few times, I know it was because he was overstressed, but that was work-related, so I massaged his hand, gave him his strongest headache med and made him lie down. But this...this is even more severe than those times during the second and third years we were together- unacknowledged and undefined but together nonetheless.

“So what’s brought this on, Sunshine?” I ask, but he just grunts at me with his eyes closed, his forehead furrowing in pain and frustration. “I would think you wouldn’t have any tension left, judging by how hard it is for me to sit still just now. My ass really hurts, Justin!”

He side-eyes me then without a trace of sympathy. I suppose I understand and in some small way, I deserve that look. There have been many of days that I’ve taken my issues with the world out on his ass, so I suppose it’s fair that he returned the gesture. I just wish I knew why he did it. Part of me feels violated. I mean, he didn’t even bother to stay after he disposed of his condom to make sure that I was alright or to clean me up the way he usually does after he tops me. And since I’ve been sitting here after that episode in the bathroom, he’s had his head buried in those damn journals and studiously ignoring me. I feel like somehow I’ve stepped into the Twilight Zone and Justin has taken on my coldness with tricks before I met him. I’m not sure what to do or to make of it at all. All I know is that he and I can’t go on like this.

I thought we’d made real progress last night at Ted’s. I mean, us, working together side-by-side, is always magic. But more than that, we have a connection that can’t be beat in those moments. Our commitment is what people pay us millions for. Not because we’re married, but because Justin and I operate on an entirely different plane than everyone else in our business. Even when we were almost destitute and homeless a few short years ago, we combined our talents and determination to make something great. That’s always been the key to our success- the fact that we’re connected in every way that counts. Or at least I used to think so, until that episode in the bathroom happened. That was probably the most perfunctory fucking Justin and I have done in years, even before the fiddler officially happened.

The last time was the night after he’d returned from Vermont and he was feeling, I don’t know- pissed? Heartbroken? Anyway, he was sitting at his computer talking in the third person, saying in a little voice what he wished I would have said to him. I asked him what was with the small voice; he in turn, asked why I didn’t come to Vermont. I told him I had things to do and pulled out that plain-Jane ad for Farley’s Steakhouses, intent on asking him what he thought about their campaigns. But the resigned look on Justin’s face just then told me that there wasn’t going to be room for conversation. Like the little masochist he is sometimes, he asked me if I missed him. Yeah, I did, but I was still at the stage where I couldn’t voice such lesbianic drivel, so I decided to show him that I did instead. Unbeknownst to me at the time was that Justin was at a stage where he was doubting everything that we’d been to each other, everything that we meant to each other… plain and simple, he needed the words that I couldn’t say.

So with as little prep as possible, I fucked him against the beam in the middle of the loft. It had started off slow but whereas there was passion on my part, there wasn’t any on his, just obligation. And now we’re back in that place again, only this time, we’re both needing something from the other and are each in our own way too scared to ask for it.

I look over at him and realize that he’s fallen asleep. I can’t help but smile a little since it’s true to form. He used to do that once the episode had passed and his muscles were finally able to relax. I place a tender kiss on his half-opened palm and lay it across my lap as I used to, so that he would know I’m still here beside him. Then I decide to pop my headphones in and follow Justin’s example to get my assignment for Alex done. Looking at both journals, I start with the one for couples while listening to “The Sweetest Taboo.” That song always makes me think back to the night I met Justin. A song full of decadent rhythm and rim shots that just take you to another place. That’s what Justin has done from minute one. I wonder if I’ve ever told him that. So it makes what I want us to work on easy to write down.

1. I want us to get back to being ‘us’ again. I want the fun back; the fearlessness and uninhibited version of us; the no-holds-barred and take-no-prisoners version of us.

2. I want to be able to know that I can tell him everything again. I want my lover and best friend back. I want our conversations to be more than about business or what’s for dinner again.

3. I want him to stop hiding from me. Everyday the ‘Sunshine’ I know gets further and further away.  

4. No more perfunctory, obligatory fucks!

5. I want his heart again. Has he become bored with me? Where has our spontaneity gone? Does he still want to be with me? Has he found a younger version of me? Why is he giving up on me- on us? Is he still invested in seeing us work? Can we start over or does he even want to?

See? Asking these questions is much easier than digging into my own wants and needs for myself. The reason for that is simple. It’s because I’ve always wanted Justin’s happiness. If I’m honest with everyone around me, including myself, I’ve wanted it from the moment I met him. I often wonder if being with me has made the optimistic ball of fire that I met all those years ago turn cynical and mistrustful. Have I turned him into a younger version of who I was back when I first met him? I know that knowing him has changed me for the better in so many ways, but in turn, has knowing me changed him for the worse? Which brings me to my own issues…

1. How the fuck can I escape the ghosts of Jack and Joan Kinney? Sure their naysaying and badgering has played a major role in the driven man that I am, but are they still affecting me in negative ways by placing a dark cloud over my relationship with Justin?

2. How do I forgive Lindsay for leaving? Yes, I understand that she wasn’t happy, but she was also my friend. I can’t see it as anything but selfish that she left, not only Mel, but me too.

3. How do I stop Michael from sowing discord in my life? Yes, I know that I’ve basically given him license to do that in some ways, but I keep feeling like I owe him. I want to not feel that way anymore. I know I’ve begun the process already but I want to know how to break free permanently, without having to sever the friendship entirely.

This is just way too much introspection for me right now, so I decide to put the journal down and just relax for the rest of the flight. I figure that now that I at least have a couple of the basic questions out of the way, the rest, if there are more, will come to me later on and I’ll write them down then. In the meantime, I’m content to just sit here and watch Sunshine sleep. But first, I call Ben over.

“What’s up, Brian? Justin okay?” He asks, when he looks over at the creased frown on Justin’s forehead.

“Yeah, he had a little hand trouble, which often brings about a headache afterwards. He’ll be out for a while. But listen, I know that he wanted to give you this himself but…” I hand him the envelope.

“What is it?”

“I don’t know all the particulars as of yet but… Well, Justin has decided to give Michael the comic.”

“What? Why would he do that?!”

“Hey, keep your voice down,” I advise him, while checking on Justin. He shifts moderately for a few moments and then settles back into sleep. I can’t help the sigh of relief that escapes me. I hate these fucking headaches of his. Hell, I hate seeing Justin in pain at all! But back to the matter at hand… “As I was saying, I think it’s worth it to Justin just to be rid of Michael, in this respect anyway. But he and I didn’t want you to suffer while it’s all finalized. So Justin paid you what he just offered to Michael, which of course, was turned down.”

“Wait… there were other offers? I only knew about one.”

“Looks like your husband has been keeping secrets from you, Benny boy. Justin has made two other offers in addition to this last one. The amount could have saved the store and would have paid the rest of the mortgage on your house. But Michael thought it in his best interest to dig in his heels. So, since Justin is beyond fed up with him, he’s decided to just give Michael the comic.”

“There has to be a catch, Brian. Contrary to public consensus, I’m not stupid. So what’s the catch?”

“What makes you think there is one?”

“Like I said, not stupid. Justin is just as much of a businessman as you are. He’s not going to give up something for nothing even if it does mean doing ‘pest control.’ Rage is very valuable to both Michael and Justin. To Michael, it is all monetary, but to Justin, it’s his art. For him, you can’t put a price tag on his creativity no matter how much money it garners. So why would he willingly give Michael want he’s wanted all along?”

I smile as Ben works out just how Justin thinks. “The good news is that the copies that have sold are still out there and Justin still holds the copyrights on all of his work. The bad news, for Michael that is, is that he can’t use any part of Justin’s artwork for sale or resale.”

“Shit! That means that all…”

“That’s right, Professor. All current issues and paraphernalia will have to be pulled off the shelves immediately since Justin designed them, and Michael will have to start over from zero if he wants the franchise to continue. But there is another small, itsy bitsy problem with that as well…”

“And that is?”

“If Michael tries to use any of the dialogue from the old issues or even suggest new dialogue from OUR lives in any way, we have grounds to sue him. In truth, we could have done so long since, but now basically, Michael is completely on his own.”

“Wow! Justin really is thorough, isn’t he?”

“You have no idea, Ben. Contrary to popular belief, Justin’s brain is what has always kept me enthralled, not simply his ass, no matter how impressive it is. Sure he’s got a great body -many men do- and he is a veritable lion in bed, but none, other than Justin, have kept me addicted these many years. There is nothing sexier to me than to see him both strong and vulnerable during sex, except when Justin is in predator mode. Whether it’s business or pleasure or both, the man is a walking aphrodisiac. First and foremost, the thing most, especially Michael, never realized is that he’s a brilliant strategist. Behind that innocent facade is a man that not even I would try to fight against. Between his WASP ways and that incredibly agile mind, it has to be said that when Justin wants to fuck someone, or fuck them up, he doesn’t half-ass the job. It’s something that not even his sperm donor realized until it was too late; never even saw it coming.

“Because he tried to not only take Molly away from Jen, but also attempted to leave her jobless and homeless, Justin set about ruining Craig. He first did a little fact finding and discovered that Craig was embezzling from his own company, all the while lying to Jennifer, saying that he couldn’t afford to pay alimony and child support. Yet, he had enough money to pay for a lavish destination wedding and honeymoon in Hawaii, one that included him, his new wife, and fifty other guests. Not even Molly was invited, because she can’t stand her new stepmother, Babbette. So while Craig was away living the glamorous life and completely oblivious to the hell his actions rose up within his son, Justin spoke to and bought out all of Craig’s distribution contracts, for pennies on the dollar. Of course our little corporate raider was able to effect a hostile takeover, ousting Craig from Taylor Electronics with the help of several of his shareholders. Jennifer and Justin then sued him in civil court, which basically bankrupted him, but it was either that or jail time. Justin then asked Jennifer if she still wanted the company, but she said no. So he sold it for her to one of the shareholders, who had been asking to buy Craig out for a number of years. He walked away with enough money from the deal that even after taxes, Jennifer and therefore Molly were made into multi-millionaires.

“As for Craig Taylor… well he is now broke and broken, living in the basement of his new wife’s parents’ house, because little Sunshine got stormy. He’s absolutely fascinating to watch, and definitely makes me glad that he fights with me, not against me. So now he’s trying to make sure that you are taken care of. You’re one of the few people he trusts beyond me, although him trusting me is clearly questionable right now.”

“He still does, Brian.”

I swallow hard at his conviction that Justin still trusts me in spite of everything. I suppose that’s the real reason Ben was pissed at me for using Michael as a crutch. The dissolution of trust within a relationship is incredibly painful, not only for the people involved, but for those spectators who helplessly watch it happen. It’s a lesson I learned watching Melanie and Lindsay fall apart. I clear my throat at the memory. “Whether you and Michael stay together or not, makes us no difference. We just don’t want you to meet the same fate; you deserve better. You deserve happiness… and a place in Heaven for putting up with Michael. Hell, I would even say you deserve fucking sainthood.”

He laughs at that. “If I do, so do you. Listen, I’m going to deposit this right now. Thank goodness they have apps that take care of those kinds of things now, so I won’t have to worry about getting back to the mainland before I can do anything with it, especially since I’ll be sharing a villa with Inspector Go-Fuck-Himself. This way even if he finds it before I’m able to get it off to the courier, he can’t endorse it again or deposit it into the joint account, which if I’m honest, now only has twenty-three dollars and sixty-six cents in it.”

“That is… WOW! That’s special,” I say, trying not to ask the question of what the hell has been happening. Ben makes more than an adequate salary so…

“Don’t worry, Brian. I really would have been fine even if I never received this check. That figure is the exact amount that Michael has contributed to the joint account since June of last year. At least, he can’t say that I stole from him on top of the other heaps of accusations I’m in for.”

“Either way though, it’s what you deserve. Michael has entitlement issues in which he thinks he deserves to be taken care of, not take care of himself. I remember Justin asking me once, why I keep Michael around, if on the flip side of that, I surround myself with people who are as ambitious and driven as I am. I’m beginning to wonder the same thing.”

“It’s why people always look at me askance when they find out I married him. My only excuse is that I fell for the ‘boy next door’, but instead got the metaphorical serial killer instead.”

“That’s a harsh comparison.”

“But it’s the truth. Instead of Michael physically pulling out a knife and hacking away at people, he’s a dreamkiller, a hope killer, a sanity killer, and a soul snatcher. In my opinion, he’s to be more feared than Jeffrey Dahmer or Charles Manson ever was.”

“No wonder you and Justin are friends. He’s felt the exact same way since forever.”

“Well, if two guys- one being his own husband- are telling you this, what are you going to do about it?”

He walked away, and the answer is, I really don’t know. After years of friendship, can I really let go of the only person who knows just how bad things were for me? What I do know is that I can no longer be responsible for the care and feeding of Michael Novotny without giving up the one person who has been there for me since the day I met him; the one person who has been here through all the ups and downs, the changes and reinvention of me; the one person who loves ME and not the version of me that they created. Justin is it for me. So how do I make him see that again?

IN OR OUT : BOOK TWO: CHAPTER TWO: MY HAPPY ENDING

BEN

I walked away from Brian, believing that at long last, he’s finally understanding Justin’s frustration. At least, I hope so. Never have I met a man so conflicted or complex as Brian, and as far as I can tell a lot of it is through no fault of his own. By no means am I an expert, but it seems that like me, he’s been conditioned to take care of Michael. As I look back on my life with him, I can honestly say, I feel like Pavlov’s dogs must have felt.

In a world of uncertainty, Deb’s love was a constant. I'm only just now realizing just how conditional it was. In exchange for that love, that dangled hope, as if it was a fucking bell, I had to put all my hopes, dreams, aspirations, and expectations to the side, in order to keep Michael happy. We all did, but probably no one more than Brian. He’s been subjected to this form of, what really amounts to a form of brainwashing, the longest.

I can’t even begin to imagine the things he’s given up; the things he’s had to give up on, for the sustained illusion of Deb’s conditional love. And all because he was once a kid in need of a safe haven from the hell of his household… It’s a hefty price to pay for simple human kindness!

Now, compared to what I know of Brian and Justin’s relationship- the true version told to me in bits and pieces by the other guys, and not Michael's warped view- there weren't any real conditions put on Justin’s devotion from the onset. All the younger man wanted was for Brian to love him, and to let himself be loved in return. Sure, the perception and actuality of that desire may have changed over the years, but the concept of it has never wavered. It puts what I felt for Michael and what I’m going through with him now, in a new perspective. It also brings about some real bone-deep questions about just what the fuck I have been doing the last eight years of my life.

After I snapshot the check, call the bank for confirmation that it was received, and to alert them to the possibility of its destruction before I can get it off the island -yeah Michael’s vindictiveness is just that predictable- I pull out the personal journal and begin to put my thoughts into words, while blasting Avril Lavigne’s My Happy Ending on my Ipod. The song seems to fit my mood more and more lately.

Ben,

What the hell have you been doing?

What have you become?

You’ve allowed yourself to become a collectible, useless and inanimate, in your own life, not just in his. You’ve become his extension, instead of being your own person as you once were. Is this your way of doing penance because of your trust in Paul, a partner who, like Michael, couldn’t be faithful to you? Is this dickless fag you’ve become, your way of killing yourself before HIV, or the complications of AIDS overtakes you? Is this the easiest and most effective way to prove how much you hate yourself?

It must be! Because the Benjamin James Bruckner you used to be before HIV would never have allowed you to become this shell of your former self, disease or not. That Ben, who has had countless struggles, including admitting that you are gay, would never have allowed himself to feel ‘less than’ within his own life. And that Ben, who knew who and what he was, would never have allowed himself to be duped and demeaned by anyone, most especially his husband! 

So Ben, what are you going to do?

Will you continue to live your life in the shadows, according to the Novotny edicts? Or will you FINALLY begin to live again by your own? Starting the novel sitting readily available on your computer was a great start, but there is so much more work to do. Saving your marriage should never have been bought and paid for with your self-worth! So it’s time to honor yourself- and the others who matter to you- with the truth of who and what you really are.

If dropping the 145 pound growth you have been carrying for the last eight, almost nine years helps you to grow and reinvent yourself into the man you were, the man you are destined to become, then fucking DO IT! And don’t look back or regret any of it! Take the lessons for what they were worth and apply them so that you can live your life better… So that you can LIVE, and not merely exist any longer.

I read back my words, feeling them flow through me and know that they are correct. I have suppressed who I am for far too long. It’s past time that I stop doing that. Not honoring who you are is one of the most egregious forms of self-abuse there is. Ted and Blake learned that lesson the hard way, and if I’m honest, I was there a time or two myself, especially the night I first met Brian Kinney.

That was the night Paul and I ended things for good, and I escaped to the White Party. I was just one hit away from ending it all until I laid eyes on a brunet fallen angel, who was just looking for a good time. I thought to myself why not give him one, and myself one last hoorah. And even though it was just about sex to Brian, I came away from it with a chance to reinvent myself. I can admit now that I went about things the wrong way.

But what is life, if not a chance to get it right with each new day you see? If this virus has taught me nothing else, it’s that everyday begins a second chance. And for once, I’m going to take my second chance and run with it.

MICHAEL

I’ve decided to rebel against this bogus therapy that Ben and I don’t need. As long as I’m here, he can’t say that I didn’t try, right? As far as I’m concerned he and the others should be begging for my forgiveness by the end of this flight. The fact that they are all in first class and I’m stuck back here is a disgrace. I tried to get up there several times to tell them so, but the bitchy stewardess threatened to have the pilot land at the next available airport to throw me off the flight if I didn’t behave. Behave? As if I’m some fucking wayward child needing to be scolded!

I look over at the journals and scoff, yet again. If they think I’m going to kowtow to some idiot who has no idea what it’s like to be in a relationship, they have another think coming. Not only that, but if they think I’m going to let Boy Wonder, Druggy Boy Fake Wonder, and Tall Doofus Wonder have their way in reforming me so that their lives with Brian, Ted, and Emmett are made easier, well they can just go fuck themselves. The guys and Ben belong to ME, not them! I was here first! They need to either find a way to accept that, or get the fuck out of our lives!

As for Ma, I’m going to call her when I get to this crappy island and have some serious words with her. I can’t believe she is putting herself before me. I figure, on the phone that bastard Horvath can’t run interference, and I can say what I want to say to her. She needs to remember what her priorities have always been and should always be. Me before her!

And that’s exactly as is should be since she gave birth to me.

I don’t know why, all of a sudden, everyone wants to change the rules. I don’t like it and it needs to stop! Once I get Ma’s head back out of the clouds and down-to-earth where it belongs, she’ll make them cut this foolish shit out. Brian, Ted, and Emmett need to be reminded of all we’ve done for them. As for the others, well they can suck a few hundred rotten dicks if they think I’m just going to let them usurp my place in my friends’ lives.

I come first, NOT them, and I always will; it’s time they fucking know that once and for all!

THE WIFE or THE MISTRESS: BOOK II: CHAPTER TWO: HE WON’T GO

BLAKE

I’m still reeling from what happened at the airport. I’ve never seen any of the guys look so murderous. Not for the first time, I wonder how they could be friends with someone like Michael. I suppose he must have some good qualities, although I’ve never seen them. All I see when I look at him is a man that really should have had his ass spanked more as a kid. No way would someone who learned discipline- be it corporal punishment or a severe tongue-lashing - have grown up to be the spoiled brat Michael Novotny is. That’s not to say I condone violence against children per se, but a smack in the mouth, or eighty-seven of them, would have gone a long way with Michael. At the very least, he would have learned that what he says has harsh consequences.

Ted and I haven’t talked much during the flight so far, but that’s to be expected. He’s working, trying to make sure everything is in order for Kinnetik so that they can run it remotely from the island. Not only that, but he’s also putting some things in action for Diane and I also, to be able to get the workers out of Tampa and settled in Pittsburgh as soon as possible. Yeah, Ted’s a good man. Despite all we are going through, he’s still making sure that I’m okay. I suspect that even if we don’t make it together after this, he would still do so, because at the base of it all, he loves me and wants the best for me. It goes both ways.

Meanwhile, I’m sitting here listening to the song that got me through rehab many days. “He Won’t Go” is a song about the one left behind when their life-partner is on drugs. Seems fitting to hear it just now and Adele’s voice paints the picture of what Ted must have felt like when I was. I know I have to tell Ted what’s been wrong with me lately. As much as the Michael interference is a big part of it, and my family issues are another part, there is something that is causing me to want to pick up again. The truth, one of the people I used to get high with has checked himself into my rehab facility.

Ordinarily, there wouldn’t have been a problem with that. But, in this case there is. He pretends to want to get clean to everyone else, but with me, I found out he’s actually been sent by my former dealer and pimp to get me to come back. When I’ve complained to the others or avoided him entirely, he pulls his usual song and dance, making him look like the victim and me as the uncooperative one. Even with the fact that I now own the clinic, although that’s not public knowledge, me kicking him out would be grounds for a lawsuit. Sean is smart… he accosts me when he knows I’m alone or where there are no cameras or cell phones allowed within the building. Because we have patients within the building with heart issues, and cell phone usage can mess with their pacemakers, they are kept to a certain wing- a wing that I have to visit when I’m on duty just as all of the other Senior counselors do. It’s making for an untenable situation.

I won’t lie. Like all addicts, I miss being high sometimes. The constant euphoric, fuck-everything feeling is what keeps us enthralled to the drug for so long. But I have come to love my life more. I love knowing where and who Ted is. I love not having to fuck anyone for money or a roof over my head for the night. I love going to work and coming home, keeping mostly predictable hours instead of roaming the streets looking for my next fix. I just love my life as it is now. But this situation with Sean keeps bringing all of the old feelings back to me. I’ve begun having drug dreams again, when I haven’t had them in more than three years. I wake up in drenched in sweat, craving the drugs that have been out of my system for more than seven years now. Sean’s suggestions are powerful and the allure of danger and excitement is almost becoming too hard to resist. I find myself wondering what it would be like to just have one hit again, and it’s then I realize just how much trouble I’m in. I’m glad we’re getting away from Pittsburgh for awhile.

Although I know there will be hell to pay upon my return, since news of my new acquisition and my catapult into the world of multi-millionaire would have surely hit the papers by then, hopefully I will be stronger. Hopefully Teddy and I will have weathered the storm trying to tear us apart, and with any luck, any hold that my former life has over me will have been abolished once and for all. Please God, make it so!

TED

I know that there is a lot going on with Blake right now. He’s just pulled out the personal journal that they’ve asked us to write in during the flight. I’ll get to mine at some point, but first there is a mountain of business to be taken care of so that perhaps we can enjoy our first night on the island, at least. I am under no illusion that things between Blake and I will be solved overnight. A huge chunk of the problem lies with me at the moment.

I haven’t told anyone about the issues I’m struggling with. Brian knows that there is something; even Emmett has noticed. Justin simply told me that if I ever needed him, to come find him immediately. He didn’t pry or try to get me to talk. Michael, as usual, just ignored it, while Ben has been watching me like a hawk. I’ve never asked Ben, but I suspect he knows a lot more about the way I have been feeling then he lets on. Someday, I may work up the courage to ask him, but I’m not there yet.

So while on the outside, things appear fine with me, inside I’m screaming for help. My biggest fear in going through this counseling is that my fears and feelings will throw Blake back into the narcotic nightmare we both escaped. Yet, I know if I was high, telling him of my fucked up feelings would be so much easier. It’s always easier when you’re angry, which is what I would be if I traversed that particular road again.

It’s funny, but helping Blake through the process of his newfound wealth is actually helping. It allows me to remember what I would be losing should I do the stupid and pick up Meth again. I worked so fucking hard to regain everyone’s trust, most especially my own in myself. I worked hard to accept that no matter what my wants, needs, and desires to be different are, at my core, I’m a brilliant accountant. What I once considered my curse is now my glory, and I don’t want to lose that again. But it’s when I’m not entrenched in the wonderful world of checks and balances, that the doubts begin to creep in. And being fair-weather friends with Michael Novotny doesn’t help.

I can’t help thinking back to what happened at the airport where Michael spewed his hate for Justin, yet again. Drew was about to commit murder on Justin’s behalf as Em and I basically stood shock still. Why? Justin has been more of a friend to us than Michael has ever been in all the years we’ve known him. So why, other than verbally dismissing him, did we do nothing, again? If I’m honest, I will admit that I wonder if Michael really hates us all. Yeah, I’m including Brian in this as well. I know Blake has mentioned that scenario at least a dozen times over the years, but I’ve always brushed it off, thinking that Michael couldn’t hate those of us who have been with him longer than we’ve all had partners. But now I’m not so sure.

I keep thinking of the comments he’s spewed thoughtlessly since our friendship began. In retrospect, whereas I always thought Brian was a heartless asshole, I’m thinking that that title really belongs to Michael. If I was to compare the two men- which really, that’s kind of hard to do when up against Brian Kinney- I would have to say that Brian has been more of a friend than Michael. He never lets us rest on our laurels, always pushing Em and I to exceed our own expectations. As a result, Emmett didn’t become lost within my addiction and I didn’t become lost in its aftermath. Michael, on the other hand, excused us for being who we were in those moments. He told Emmett that it was okay to support me, even at the expense of himself. As for me, Michael seemed to try to reach out, but I later found out that it was his idea to bring everyone to the restaurant where I was working as a singing waiter, even though I had asked him not to. I’ve often found myself questioning his motives behind doing that, especially in recent years when he’s made comments about it in front of others.

All I can hope at this point is that Michael will change from this experience. If he doesn’t, the one friend he’s going to lose is me. My sobriety can’t continue to be assaulted by him. All other outside forces, I could handle with help, but not when one of the people who is supposed to be helping you through it, is in a sense, holding the Meth pipe with an innocent smile and vicious intent.

FIRE AND ICE: BOOK II: CHAPTER TWO: ADORE

DREW   

I know I have to let this go, but the absolute NERVE of that asshole! Justin is one of the kindest people I’ve ever met. Now that’s not to say that he doesn’t have his faults… everyone does, but they don’t warrant some insignificant little prick wishing him dead. It’s a good thing that Emmett stopped me, because if I had my way, I would have bent him into a pretzel, driven him to the city zoo and threw him into the Lion Den, and wished them a happy meal. UGH!! What is it going to take to make them see that they should have ditched his self-important ass a million lifetimes ago?

I try to refocus my attention on the task at hand. I’ve always been pretty good at disregarding what’s unimportant and weeding through bullshit, to get to the real heart of things. That’s what I need to do now, instead of thinking of ways to throw Michael from the plane… while it’s still in the air! I take a deep breath, knowing that Emmett is watching me like a hawk, ready to intercept me if I even think about moving from this seat. It’s one of the things I’ve always loved about Em. He has the ability to see everything going on around him, to perceive and anticipate what’s about to happen with me, even before I know it sometimes. Sometimes, with our work schedules, it feels like we’ve lost that connection. I denied feeling it at first, since I was involved with Sierra, but over time, I’ve tried to honor it. I think I would still be fully entrenched in the closet if not for Emmett. It took me a while of living the ultimate lie I’ve told myself to see that life is much too short to be miserable. What’s funny is that he’s never betrayed my confidences, even when he had numerous chances and reasons to do so. And for that I’ll always be grateful to him.

Many people wouldn’t take me for a Prince fan, but I am. And he did this song called Adore that reminds me of Emmett in every way. It also put what I want in perspective, like no other song can. My goal for therapy is simple: I want US back. Not only do I want us back but I want us better than we ever were.

I didn’t ask Emmett to marry me to jump on the heteronormative bandwagon, or to prove a point like many, including Michael, thought. It was for one simple reason alone… I didn’t want to live without him. I didn’t want him to wake up one day and wonder what the hell he was still doing with me; didn’t want him to ever question what he means to me or my commitment to him. And I still don’t!

I’m as committed to him as I was the day I metaphorically turned twenty-one.

What’s funny, and I never told anyone this, including Emmett, is that while I was out there ‘sowing my wild oats’ as he called it, there were times when I would have a thought, or come across something I knew he would find hilarious. Then I’d go to make a comment about it to him, only to remember that he wasn’t there with me. After the fifth time it happened, I knew, I just knew that I was in the wrong place. I wanted to be with him. I needed to be with him.

What was surprising is that he didn’t automatically take me back. He put me through my paces, made me wait to have sex with him again, made me prove how much I valued him. It was difficult for me to understand at first, until he explained it to me. He said he didn’t want me to feel like he was the only one who would ever want me. He didn’t want me to tie myself to him and then later down the road regret it; wanted us to give it time to see if we really could be what I’d envisioned and he’d only daydreamed about.

That was hard for me to hear, since it was also proof of how much I had hurt Emmett in the past. So we began to hang out as friends… Well that’s what he would tell you, but for me, I was auditioning for the part of Emmett’s one-and-only. Sometimes he would cook dinner and introduce me to the ‘Gay Goddesses’ of Bette Davis, Joan Crawford, Lana Turner, Judy Garland, and Audrey Hepburn. But my personal favorite was the nights that we would have dinner and watch RuPaul’s Drag Race.

Oh the heated discussions we would have! I chuckle inwardly remembering the night Emmett bet me that he could dress in drag and not one person would be able to tell that he was a man. We fooled almost everyone that night, except when some broad thought being forward with me was sexy; Em’s voice deepened real quick as he ordered, ‘Back off, Bitch. This Stud’s taken.’ Little did I know then that my man would end up accosted the whole night for makeup tips from the other bystanders- both men and women. That was also the night that I fell even deeper in love with my husband.

So yes, I want Em back. I want my crazy, sexy, sassy, cool husband back, and I’ll do whatever it takes to have him.

EMMETT

It hurts me to know that Duke is right about me. Not because I’m smarter than everyone thinks I am, but because through my inaction in disabusing Michael of his notion that I’m stupid, he’s now gotten completely out of control. It took everything in me not to lay a haymaker on the jackass, even after I stopped Drew from doing so. But I can’t even put all the blame on him… I think we’re all guilty of letting him get away with his shit for far too long.

Maya Angelou once wrote that you teach people how to treat you, and I’m thinking that it was definitely a true statement. Most of my life, I felt that I had to dumb myself down so that people would like me. It took me awhile to get out of that notion before I left Hazelhurst behind. The sad thing is I fell right back into that thinking when I arrived in Pittsburgh. People like Godiva, Brian, Teddy, and Mel saw through my shenanigans almost right away, but I allowed others to only see the facade I erected.

Strangely, Justin is the one who convinced me to stop.

When I we first met him, he seemed like such an innocent. He was sweet and kind; you just wanted to do anything you could to protect him. I suppose that’s why the Big Bad fell so hard for him, despite how he tried to fight it. But Justin knew who he was. He knew his own self-worth and wasn’t afraid to show it to anyone who would but take a closer look.

I remember the night his father attacked Brian outside of Babylon. I thought for sure that the idiot’s ultimatum would make Justin resign himself to his father’s wishes, even as Michael stood there hoping it would. But little Justin squared his shoulders, and told his father that he was never coming home again. I found myself wishing that I had his courage, his conviction and strength in living by his own rules. And it was that precise moment, which changed me forever.

Spending time with him, both before the bashing and afterwards, gave me several eye-opening experiences into how the dynamic between Brian and Justin works. Brian would give Justin choices, not tell him what to do the way he did Michael. Brian respected Justin by not handling him with kid gloves, but acknowledging that he was a man in training. Nothing brought home that point more than the situation with Sapperstein. No one, Justin included, knows that I was there for a brief time that night. I worried about him, especially when the drinks and drugs started flowing heavily. By the time I had gotten through the crowd to get to Justin, he had disappeared. I didn’t think anything of it at first, until he ran past me and right out the door, while many men were yelling behind him. Turns out the feisty young man kicked the Sap’s teeth in when he tried to force himself on him. In retrospect, I probably should have said something to Justin, instead of marching to the back of the house and warning Gary that he’d better not say a fucking word about what happened that night. As for why I didn’t say anything to Baby, I figured that not only had he learned a valuable lesson, but he needed to divulge it in his own time. And so I’ve kept my silence.

Now I’m wondering if I should have. It’s not that I don’t think Justin has forgotten about it or healed from it completely. It’s that Brian and Justin have too many secrets that could be used to destroy them. Hell, I have a few of my own that I have yet to tell Drewsie. I guess on some bone-deep level, I’m almost afraid of what he’ll think of me. Maybe he’ll think of me as a fake or a coward, and that’s something I couldn’t take. Oh, I know he loves me but… well, it’s just that he may not like me afterward. It’s not something that I have told anyone, including Teddy. Of all people, I probably should have told Ted since it stems back to his Meth days, but… well I know that part of the reason for this therapy is to fix us. But the most important part of it is also to fix me, but what if I can’t? How can I ask Drew to take care of me when there are days my mental health just needs to be left alone to think and process? I know he tries, and that things from my past are keeping me emotionally stunted and separated from him. I’m almost afraid that he’ll never want to touch me again, but it’s been eating at me for awhile now and it’s showing in everything I do.

Well if Drew and I are going to survive, I know I can’t keep it from him any longer. Hell, even if we don’t, I can no longer keep whipping myself for doing what I had to do at that moment. I just hope he understands...      

BEFORE I LET GO: BOOK II: CHAPTER 3

ALEX

The island is as beautiful as I remembered it. Flying over it, only to bank a sharp right to land at the airport is always such a thrill. Ironically, I always get a feeling of coming home when we visit. Perhaps when we retire… I shake my head to clear it of thoughts that are a very long way off. Right now, I have to focus on containing my clients before the menace to sanity makes his presence known once again. Fortunately, those of us in First Class get to disembark before the others. But since Michael is in Business Class, he’ll likely run over old people and children to get off the plane, simply to make his displeasure known. I hope the flight attendants haven’t had too much trouble with him.

“Enjoy your stay on the island, Dr. Wilder. Any idea when we’ll see you again?” Tony, our attendant asks me.

“As of right now, I can’t say. However, I know it won’t be before we’ve been here a month. There’s a lot of work to be done with my clients. Speaking of work, how are you and Javier doing since your stay? Hopefully better?” That’s the thing about working in this capacity; you don’t easily forget your clients, even when there is no longer a need for you.

“Javi and I are doing okay. Every day is a struggle, especially with the distance because of our jobs. But it’s also a chance to make the right decisions for ourselves, which is what you’ve told us. I’m proud to say that it’s working. I’ve finally laid it all out there about how his family treats him, while talking about him little better than a dog, behind his back. He listened, and has finally learned how to say ‘no’ to their incessant demands. As a result, they no longer have a wedge to drive between us.” He finishes with quite possibly the brightest smile next to the one I’m trying to restore to Justin.

Tony and Javier were in even worse shape than Brian and Justin, so I now have hope that things will turn out well for the royal couple of Liberty Avenue. “Well keep up the good work. Remember to always communicate, even if you know the truth will hurt the other person. Better that you hear it from your partner who will dole it out with compassion, than the vicious minded, who will use what they can, seeking to split you up. And if you guys need me, I’m only a phone call or a short trip away, okay?”

“I’ll remember. And you remember that although you are working, take time out to have a little fun too,” he says before moving off to speak with other passengers who are still gathering their things.

“He’s right, you know,” Barry whispers in my ear, chuckling.

“I know. And I also know the first bit of fun I want to have once we get our clients settled.”

“Oh, do you now? Well do tell! Does it involve lube, the beach, or christening the entire villa?”

“All three and so much more. I think I’m going to give Brian and Justin tomorrow off, so they can get acquainted with the island. And as for you, I think I’m going to spend the day making sure that you remember that your ass belongs to me.”

He shivers in my arms. “As if I can forget that, Alex. But as long as you remember the same, we shouldn’t have any problems.” He kisses me and I’m fucking lost.

“Uh, guys! Can we move it along here? Some of us really want a drink!” Bernard gripes from behind us.

I laugh. “I’ve never met someone who has more trouble with nerves when the plane is landing than when it is taking off. Really Bernie, you should speak to someone about that.”

“Fine, Alex. Barry clear your schedule for the afternoon. I’m sure Alex won’t mind since this is a medical situation. See? Feel my heart?”

We all laugh then while Duke cuffs Bernard in the back of the head. “Come on, Nitwit. Let’s leave the lovebirds to their quiet afternoon, while we get pleasantly buzzed. Just be sure you don’t take advantage of me.”

“As if, and fuck you very much! Besides, when… if I decide to take advantage of you, you’ll be the first to know.”

Something tells me that Duke won’t have to wonder very long about what Bernard will decide. If only those two had gotten their heads out of their own asses and into each other’s a long time ago, they might both have been much happier. It’s not that they are miserable being as they are, but, where Ted and Emmett were ill-suited, Bernard and Duke are perfect for each other. Hopefully they will stop being so fucking cautious and finally admit what’s been so obvious to everyone else for years now. Watching them flounder in fly-by-night relationships is fucking exhausting!

Twenty minutes later, those of us who were in First Class are waiting on the shoreline for the loudmouth who wasn’t. I know that my thoughts should be kinder to Michael Novotny, but I’ve always been taught to call a spade a spade. In short, Michael is a special kind of pain in the ass. Worse than that though, is he’s a smart pain in the ass. It’s going to take weeks of deprogramming what Michael and his mother took years to do and reinforce at will where Brian is concerned. I can only hope that without his influence, Brian will really see the truth of his interactions with the Novotnys, and how they have consistently led to the breakdown in his communications with others, especially Justin. He has to be made to understand, or he will lose Justin and everyone else as a result. It’s not even that they will intentionally pick sides; it’s that they won’t know how to relate to Brian shutting them out again after all they’ve been through.

And that is the other thing I must tackle head-on without sugarcoating the truth. Justin has to see that his inaction was just as bad as reacting in the first place. By not forcing Brian to make a decision, out of fear about his place in Brian’s life, Justin ultimately gave Michael the power over him that he craved. I understand that it has always been like walking a tightrope for the younger man, but his mistake was in standing still. It’s a lot like Flip Wilson’s skit of ‘The Devil Made Me Do It’, but without the humor. Justin’s silence gave Michael permission to keep trying his tricks; gave him the way in between him and Brian. So whereas there is certainly blame on Brian’s shoulders, some fault lies with Justin too.   

As I stand here with the rest of the counselors, I watch my clients. Brian still looks to be in a bit of discomfort, but at least Justin is standing next to him now. They are speaking with two gentlemen who look familiar, but I can’t think of where I’ve seen them before. The conversation, while seeming relaxed, has a connotation of tension coming off of each of them in waves. Emmett, Ted, Blake, Drew, and Ben are standing off to one side, as if they are giving the quartet their privacy. Something is definitely going on though, and with the advent of Michael Novotny from the plane just now, I know as sure as I’m standing here that it won’t be good news.

STAYING OR GOING: BOOK II: CHAPTER 3

JUSTIN

I have to say this island is beautiful. I could feel the tradewinds blowing off of the crystal turquoise waters the second I stepped out of the cabin of the plane. The fresh air calms me as the sun grazes my face, making the coldness I feel within me melt just a little. Brian is walking down in front of me, and strangely, I’m grateful for that. The aftereffects of the migraine med always makes me a bit lethargic until I’ve been up and about for more than an hour.

I would say that I’m surprised that Brian would remember such a detail, but I’m not. He’s always made it a point to research any medication given to me and its side effects, saying that a doctor won’t ordinarily catch a contraindication the way a pharmacists will, and they themselves aren’t always as vigilant as they should be when checking prescriptions. I used to tease him for being overprotective using my favorite line of ‘Brian Kinney gives a shit,’ but his innate paranoia has saved my life more times than I can count, especially in terms of allergic reactions to a few of my meds over the years. It’s another example of things that no one knows or suspects about who we are behind closed doors. It’s moments and actions such as this that makes it hard for me to seriously contemplate ending our marriage.

Don’t misunderstand… I know that Brian loved me at one time, but his recent actions have caused me to wonder if he still does. A funny thing about the migraine med is that while sleeping, it’s not dreams that I have; it’s memories that come to the forefront of my mind. The sedation in itself is much like being in a coma and the mind reacts to it the same way. I remember talking to Alex about it the first time it happened, thinking that amongst all the other problems I was having that I’d developed a somatic disorder which included delusions. I was still afraid to trust my own mind at the time. He said that although he couldn’t tell me verbatim what he and Brian discussed, the situations that I had dreamed were very real. Imagine my surprise upon hearing that! It was like everything I had ever thought Brian capable of in terms of loving me wasn’t a myth after all. It also helped me gain the confidence to wage my campaign to get him back after the whole Ethan era, a mistake that I am determined not to repeat if I can help it.

But here we are, repeating everything in a different concept that led to our breakdown in the first place. Why? When we first got back together, and before the whole Stockwell indictment part of our story, we made a vow not to talk about it. “You were inexperienced; I was a fool, let’s just move on,” is what Brian said and I agreed to. But looking back on it now, I have to wonder if we really did move beyond it. I mean, sure we changed some things, began to live our lives on our own terms and handle our relationship according to our own edicts, not those tenets our friends and family considered a coupledom bible of sorts. It was us, proving that although we weren’t monogamous in the traditional sense, we were just as committed to each other and our relationship as any other couple who was. So where did we go wrong? It’s a question that continues to plague me… and by all accounts, it’s bothering him, too.

Reaching the bottom of the steps, Brian takes my hand to help me down the last three. He can be chivalrous when he wants to be, that’s for sure. But what I’m most gratified about is that he doesn’t let go when I’m standing by his side. I can only read the action as that he has somewhat forgiven me for my caveman act while we were in the bathroom on board. I know we have to talk about it at some point, but I would really rather it not be now. I suppose Brian feels the same way as we take up our carry-ons in silence and head over to the rest of our group.

“Barry said that the rest of the luggage will be sent to our villas as soon as it’s sorted,” Drew tells us.

“That’s a relief because I wasn’t looking forward to worrying about it falling off the golf carts on our way to wherever the fuck we’re going to be,’ Brian responds, and I have to agree with him. If I had my way I would draw the entire time we’re en route. This place is simply mesmerizing.

“Baby,” Emmett calls out to me. “I believe Clarence is waving for you to join him.”

I nod. “Wanna come over and say hello?”

Emmett laughs. “Not with Drew standing right here. Lord knows he and I could spend hours catching up. No one does gossip quite like Mr. Macy, Sugar. But you know this already. In the meantime, we’ll wait here for you, since we’re already waiting for Sir Pain-in-the-Ass. You just go on and take care of your business.”

“How did you know?”

“Well whenever I see Donovan and Harry, I just assume that there is going to be a business meeting, especially when they appear together.”

I look at Em closely, scrutinizing the way he is suddenly fidgeting. I know he knows of my plans. “You haven’t said anything?”

“You know me better than that, Baby. I may be a founding member of the Tell-A-Queen network, but I know when to keep silent. Although, you should probably catch up to Brian before you’re outed before you have a chance to tell him what Plan B actually is. I don’t think he’ll disagree with you, but this is something he shouldn’t be blindsided about, especially when confronted with an irate Michael.”

I sigh deeply but I know that he’s right. Michael will use this as me keeping secrets from Brian again, when in reality it’s anything but. No, I didn’t tell him exactly what the plan was, but Brian had to know that I would have a backup. It’s just how my mind works, and if anyone can appreciate that, it’s Brian. I nod to the guys and move a little ways away to have this impromptu meeting before we are interrupted in Michael’s hurry to get to and detain Brian. Once again, I am glad that I will be an entire island length away from Michael, even if I feel sorry that Ben won’t be. Speaking of which...

“Brian, did you give Ben the envelope?” I ask.

“Yep, while you were playing Sleeping Beauty. He used his app to deposit the check. Remind me to fill you in on some interesting developments in that sector when we get to the villa. But first, would you like to tell me what Donovan and Harry are doing here? I know we said we would use this as a working vacation, but this is a little overboard for the personal touch, don’t you think?”

“Not really, but first let’s greet them and then I will tell you exactly why they are here.”

He nods, but then freezes. “Justin, they don’t have divorce papers with them do they?”

I look into his eyes and am stunned to see the fear and then the walls coming down in them one by one. I know I have to reassure him before he thinks of all sorts of scenarios that have nothing to do with their presence. “Brian, no, they aren’t here for that. Besides, when have you known me to do something so underhanded to you? If we decide to dissolve this marriage, I couldn’t- wouldn’t- do that without talking to you. It’s the reason we are here, isn’t it? To talk? To get everything out into the open without fear of recriminations? To maybe… hopefully... find something worth saving? So no, they aren’t here for that reason, but to deliver documents to Michael.”

“Michael? So soon?”

“Yeah. The contingency plans are taking effect immediately, instead of when we get back to Pittsburgh. After the C&D is given to him, he should probably call Debbie to let her know to expect all of his shipments concerning Rage to arrive at her door, since I’m sure she’s going to be picking up his mail while he’s here. While Ben received the money from the dissolution of the partnership, Michael will get all of the merchandise pertaining to the franchise.”

“But he can’t profit from any of it?”

“Not one copper penny. Also, I already had Tory contact the newspapers and other publicists from the Comic-cons he was scheduled to appear at in the next year and told them that he and I are no longer working together, nor can he make any appearances in the name of the Rage franchise, since I owned half of it at the time she made the calls and those appearances had to be agreed upon by both of us. I made sure she did those things before I had Harry and Donovan draw up the C&D and file it with the court, then get here to serve him with Clarence as an impartial witness. Sure, he can choose to fight it, but he will lose, since I also made sure that the documents were both timestamped and emailed, with a carbon copy sent directly to his inbox. Knowing the idiot, he had his phone turned off for the entire flight, thinking that he was somehow punishing all of you by not being able to get in touch with him, or more accurately, ignoring me and my attempts to get this resolved. After what he said at the airport…”

“Wait! What did he say?” Brian asks me. “Does it have something to do with what happened on the plane?”

I keep my voice lowered but the intensity is no less than it would be if I had yelled. “It has everything to do with it, but we won’t discuss it here in front of everyone.

He swallows hard, understanding that this is one time I won’t give into the pleading I see in his eyes. “Fine, but I want to know as soon as we’re out of earshot and it’s just us, okay? You have to tell me, Sunshine, otherwise I won’t know what I need to fix.”

I sigh again. It seems that I am doing that more and more lately. “It’s not something that you can fix, unless you’re a miracle worker and can change Michael’s mind. But it doesn’t matter right now. What does matter is that you now know all that has gone on since Michael shot his mouth off again from the moment he arrived within the lounge and the actions I’ve taken to disassociate myself from him without bloodshed, although it’s still tempting. This way, you won’t be blindsided or put on the spot when Michael starts ranting, which he will. You have Em to thank for that. I hadn’t planned to really lay out any more of it, beyond what you already knew on the plane until it was all done. It wasn’t that I was trying to leave you out of the loop; I just didn’t want you to be put in the middle.”

He nods at me. “While I appreciate the gesture, I’m still happy that you told me, even if it did take Em’s influence. We both know that Michael would have used this to drive a point home and to ask for the money again, citing you keeping secrets from me as a reason of why you shouldn’t be trusted, and he should, since he’s always so honest.”

“How long have you known that he does that?” I ask, shocked that he’s finally beginning to see what has always been clear to me about Michael. Yes, Michael may have always been honest, but he also cloaked his true intentions behind an artful cloud of ingenuousness.

“I think I may have always known it, but what I wanted to believe is a different matter,” he tells me, only to be interrupted by the familiar deep and vehement voice of Clarence Macy.

“And it’s about time that you’ve pulled your head out of your ass- or those of those nameless, faceless men- and finally see the truth. Michael Novotny has never been, and never will be, a friend!”

BRIAN

“Ever honest in your feelings, aren’t you? I smile at my old friend, Clarence.

“What the fuck is there to lie about? I have never been politically correct in my thoughts about assholes. Novotny is the only one on earth that was born with two of them; one where it is supposed to be, but the other one is on his face where his mouth should be and it’s always talking shit!”

Justin and I laugh loudly, while the others standing off to the side snicker. “Nice to know some things never change, Macy. In any event, what brings you to the island?”

“A long overdue vacation. Jeff will be along soon, since this place is a favorite of ours. He’s just tying up some last minute loose ends while I’m here to sever a really big one for Justin. Speaking of which…”

I look back along with everyone else and cringe as the bane of petulance is screeching out my name from the top of the stairway leading from the airplane. One would think that the murderous looks he’s receiving from the few passengers who have actually brought their children with them, would give him a clue that he should tone it down a bit. But no… not Michael! I swear he reminds me of a puppy about to pee himself, jumping up and down, screeching and bumping other passengers in his quest to get them to move faster. He finally reaches the bottom and all I can think is that I wish he was anywhere but here as I watch Justin’s face darken at his approach.

“Sunshine…”

“Don’t, Brian. Like you said, some things never change,” he answers me.

“And one of those things is that you don’t belong here!” Michael shouts at him while shoving him to move from beside me. He looks at Justin’s new position, standing next to Clarence with a satisfied smirk on his face before turning back to me. “Brian, you wouldn’t believe the flight I’ve had. I kept trying to get up there with you guys, but that fucking flight attendant was guarding the door like she was a prison warden. Why didn’t you come back there to talk to me? You and I have matters that need to be discussed!”

Somehow that statement reminded me of the few conversations Jack and Joan had that were civil. Her tone would be almost reasonable, even while Jack bowed his head in resignation at the fact that he would not get out of talking to her. It was a daunting experience to realize that Michael was speaking to me as if I was his husband- a man who he has yet to even acknowledge is standing next to my own. Well fuck that shit!

“Michael, there is nothing left to talk about. You have my answer which is and will always be, no.” Reaching out to reclaim Justin by my side, I deftly move Michael out of the way and place a possessive arm around Justin’s waist. Once I have him secured exactly where I want him- much to Michael’s displeasure- I speak directly to him. “Well, Sunshine, this is your floor show. The sooner you get on with things, the better.”

He nods, but there is something in his eyes that I haven’t seen in a long time… hope. It’s great to know that even if it’s just in this moment, I’ve done something right where he is concerned. No doubt I have a lot to make up for, but this is a start.

“Donovan, can you hand Mr. Novotny the papers please?” Justin’s steady voice rings out while he’s still looking at me.

I know he wants to ask me if I’m sure I don’t have a problem with what he’s about to do to Michael, and the truth is that I don’t. Sure, this wasn’t in our original plan, but with the way Michael just acted, I can see that he’s making the wisest decision for himself. I can respect that.

“What the fuck is this, Justin? I already told you that I won’t sell my shares to you!” Michael whines as the papers are forced into his hands.

“I no longer want you to, which you will find out once you open the fucking papers,” Justin grinds out.

“You no lo… You mean it’s mine?” He tears open the packet. “On YEAH! It’s finally all MINE!! You finally got the hint that you’re not wanted and I can tell Jeremy that he can pick up where you left off! Oh, I’m going to call him now so he can get started and email me the panels.”

Justin narrows his eyes, smiling his ruthless smile which always reminds me of a shark. And as I told Ben, there is nothing like seeing Justin Taylor-Kinney in predator mode, which the tightening within my body can attest to. “Not so fast, Michael. Harry, can you hand Mr. Novotny the second set of papers?”

Harry does so and my heart rate speeds up. We’re all waiting for the explosion even as Justin affects a bored look. Harry tells Justin, “I need the witness to sign and Mr. Novotny as well before I hand them over.”

“No problem,” Michael says as he holds his hands out for the receipt. The glazed and overjoyed look on his face is sickening, and I wonder how I have never seen this side of him before. Or maybe I have seen it and just learned how to not acknowledge it in the past. “There... done! Now give me the papers.”

“Patience, Mr. Novotny. Mr. Macy must sign the witness statement first.”

“Mr. Macy? Oh, you mean Clarence. I didn’t see you there.” Michael lies. Clarence is one of the tallest men I have ever met, standing at 6’7 and a solid 250 pounds of solid muscle. He can be intentionally ignored, but never unseen.

Clarence sighs. “As always, you’re predictable, Nobody. But no matter… I’ll gladly sign the witness statement so that we can all get on with our day and away from you.” He reaches out to Harry for the statement and hurriedly signs his name as Michael continues to look on with glee in his eyes. As Clarence hands the clipboard back to Harry, he turns to Justin. “I trust that you’re completely sure of this?”

But instead of Justin answering for himself, Michael cuts in. “Of course, he is! He’s finally doing the right thing and giving Rage back to its rightful owner. Now only if he’d disappear entirely, we can all get on with our lives.”

I narrow my eyes at the man who has just officially become my former best friend. “My husband isn’t going anywhere, Michael.”

He laughs. “Husband, indeed? You’re not married, Brian. You didn’t have a ceremony because if you had as your BEST FRIEND, I would have been there. You still fuck around on each other and with each other. Now stop playing games, Brian! It’s time for you to simply admit that he’s just a trick you do when you have nothing and no one else to occupy your time. Married?! HA! What a fucking joke!” He tears open the second sheaf of papers reading them over, with at first shock, and then anger. “YOU’VE GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME?!”

“No, there’s no joke except on you, Michael,” Justin says reasonably, causing Michael to go purple with rage. “The Taylor-Kinney Corporation own all of the copyrights relating to the artwork of the graphic novel formerly known heretofore as Rage. That ownership includes all artwork, characters and plot done by the artist known as Justin Taylor... that would be me. All advertising promotions, public relations contracts, and paraphernalia that have fallen beneath the umbrella of Kinnetik Enterprises is the sole property of both Brian and Justin Taylor-Kinney… which is us, just in case you’re having trouble comprehending that nowhere are you featured in that equation at all. All business contacts, including the publisher who will not work with you without me, have already been notified, and your public appearances have been cancelled. In addition to that, I also notified all of the manufacturers for all Rage-related merchandise and had them pulled from the shelves, effective immediately. You should probably call Deb and let her know of the large shipments that will arrive on her doorstep since I ordered them returned to you directly.

"Also, the website which I designed for Red Cape Comics has also been shut down from the internet. Since it contains my artwork and custom graphics, formatted under my personal company, JTDesigns, I am well within my rights to do so, per the contract you signed. Therefore, whatever outstanding sales profits you had going out from the website have already been returned to their rightful owners. I figured that I would go ahead and do that since they shouldn’t have to wait for merchandise they aren’t going to receive. Waiting for a monetary refund to be returned was the one thing I always hated about shopping. Anyway, as for the outstanding bids, they have all been cancelled, regardless of if they were coming into the website- there were only about fifteen- or out of it. Incidentally, Michael you should really control your- or more accurately Ben’s- spending. I mean one-hundred and fifty bids on toys is just far too much! You’re going bankrupt him if you don’t.

"So in conclusion, if you even think of violating that wonderful cease and desist order you’re holding in your greedy little hands, not only will I press charges but I will sue for every dime you’ve ever made with my name. Good luck owning the now defunct Rage franchise. Hopefully Red Cape can survive without it. Have a nice day!”

Justin smiled brightly, turned and walked away as calm he pleased. Joining the others, it was as if he didn’t just totally fuck Michael in every way except physically. I swear I can smell the charred remains of Michael’s burned ass in the air and am hard-pressed not to chuckle. I said it before and I will say it again… Justin Taylor-Kinney is not a man to cross swords with. I watched as he whispered to Ben and patted the man’s shoulder when he arrived while the taller man nods. Within a few silent and tense moments, they are joined by Barry and Alex. Something tells me that Ben has just been saved from another infamous Novotny tantrum.  

IN or OUT: BOOK II: CHAPTER 3

MICHAEL

I can’t believe what that little fuck has done! I just can’t believe it! Where the fuck does he get off thinking he can do this to me?! As I look around, I see the others looking at me with...scorn? Pity? Disgust? I AM NOT THE ONE THEY SHOULD BE LOOKING AT LIKE THIS!! I feel the tears of anger, stinging my eyes as I look to my left for some support from my best friend. But Brian isn’t there… NO! Instead, he’s over there with his husband! Well Justin is NOT getting away with this! I pull out my phone to call my lawyer. Something in these papers has to be illegal since they were drawn up so fast, right?

“Michael Novotny-Bruckner for Phillip Marchand,” I speak tersely into the phone before the receptionist can finish her greeting. “I don’t give a flying fuck if he’s in a meeting. I’m paying him so I expect him to take my call NOW!” She puts me on hold while I stand there tapping my foot in impatience. After what feels like a half an hour, she comes back on the phone and switches me over to him.

“Mr. Novotny, what can I do for you today?” Phillip’s voice comes over the line.

“FINALLY! You really need to fire your secretary; she kept me on the line forever waiting to talk to you.”

“I believe she told you that I was in a meeting,” he tells me.

“She did, but as a paying client, I expect that when I call, you stop what you are doing. Obviously, I’m calling with an emergency!”

He’s silent on the phone for so long that I begin to think that he’s hung up. I breathe a sigh of relief when he speaks again. “Well now, let’s see what you constitute as an emergency, shall we, Mr. Novotny.”

“It’s Novotny-Bruckner! That’s the second time you have left off my married name. Don’t do it again!” I correct and reprimand him at the same time, but he’s still not apologized. I swear if I didn’t need to deal with him right now, I would tell Ben to find a new attorney.

“What’s the purpose of this call?” He asks slowly, while still disregarding the fact that he’s wrong.

Sighing, I outline what my day has been like, beginning with this morning at the airport and the argument with Justin where I told him, yet again, that I would not sell my share of the comic to him. Then I let Phillip know about the two sets of papers I just received: one which gives me the rights to the comic, while the other set stops me from profiting from it in any way. Not only that, but the internet portion of Red Cape Comics has been derailed by the vicious little cunt, leaving me no way to make the business thrive. Ben will surely close the store now!

“So what are you going to do about it?” I demand an answer.

“Nothing.”

“Nothing? What do you mean nothing?!”

“Very simple, Mr. Novotny. There is nothing that I can do. I’ve been looking over the paperwork I received just prior to your call. And during your rant, I paid especially close attention to the fine print.”

“What does that bunch of drivel have to do with anything?”

“Did you bother to read it before you signed these contracts?” he asks me.

I try to think back to what was in the agreements, then realize that I never read the contracts all the way through. I never thought that I couldn’t trust Boy Wonder not to be the stupid, brain-damaged twink he’s been since his senior year of high school. But I couldn’t say that. “No. I never thought that Justin would dupe me like this.”

“Sorry to tell you this, Mr. Novotny, but he didn’t dupe you, as you suggest. Each of the terms and conditions of using his services are spelled out in terms even you could understand. The same goes for your contract with Kinnetik Enterprises. The Misters Taylor-Kinney, formerly known as Justin Taylor and Brian Kinney, were extremely thorough in these contracts, even listing contingency plans should the need for them arise. As I’ve already said, there is no legal recourse you can take, especially when you’re the one in violation of the terms and conditions, which are listed in bold print within the contracts. My advice is to simply accept this and move on. If you wage a battle you can ill-afford, you will lose everything else. As for our continued involvement, I will be speaking to Mr. Bruckner directly, advising that I will no longer have anything to do with you. Good day and good luck!” He hangs up even as I scream into the phone.

“It’s Novotny-Bruckner to you!”

FUCK!!

BEN

I know that I should feel at least a little bit of remorse. I mean, I’m standing here watching as all of Michael’s hopes and aspirations lay in a pool of broken dreams at his feet. But all I’m really feeling at the moment is the equivalent of Buyer’s remorse. I bought into the myth that Michael presented to the world, never really getting to know the man I call my husband. I was just so intent on not being alone that I neglected to look deeper, beyond the surface of his actions, to the true meanings behind them. In seeing them now, with wide open eyes. I can’t hold Brian and Justin the slightest bit accountable for finally washing their hands of Michael… well, where business is concerned anyway.

I’m surprised when my phone rings within my pocket. But I know from the stomping, pouting, and cursing bursting forth from Michael’s lips, that the call must be from Phillip. I answer and listen to the man’s litany of complaints about Michael’s behavior throughout their interactions, and the treatment of his secretary and wife, Regina, culminating in Michael being let go as a client just a few moments ago. Again, I can’t blame the man for not wanting to help Michael, as he acted entitled once again, instead of suitably grateful for the truth of the matter and the technically free legal advice. I paid the retainer, so the fact that Michael was benefitting from it, without spending a dime of his own money, should have made him a little bit more… I don’t know… respectful? Nice? Something other than what he actually is? All I know is that something has to give, and this time it’s not going to be me.

I sigh and look at the two men who figuratively pissed in Michael’s Cap’n Crunch this morning. One good thing came out of all this...they finally told us one of their biggest secrets. “So you guys are married, huh? Brian looks me squarely in the eyes and nods. “How long?”

“We signed the papers just after the Stockwell incident but before starting Kinnetik,” he tells me.

“Wait a minute! That means you two have been married…”

“Longer than you and Michael have been,” Emmett finishes for me. “Which I’m a bit pissed about. Don’t tell me you had a ceremony and didn’t invite the rest of us?”

“Not exactly, Em,” Justin says. “Brian and I just decided to do it our way; no muss, no fuss, private and just us. We talked about it briefly before I left and decided to do it officially once I was back from L.A. We had already taken steps to ensure that we were tied together before I had left to work on Rage. But we also needed to get away from everyone and everything for a while, to see if that final step was something we should take; to see if I was what he still wanted and vice versa. Sure absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it also makes people grow in unimaginable ways. Brian and I needed to figure out if we could still be together after that. Then I left for New York...”

“So what are you doing here, then?” Emmett asks and this time, I’m surprised as Brian answers honestly.

“We’re back to that place again.”

“Which one?” Ted asks, and I can see that he’s a little afraid of the answer. Why?

Justin cleared his throat, his eyes shining. I can see where the others understood what place they were speaking of. “Ethan. But we aren’t sure why. All we know is that we took a wrong turn somewhere and we have to find it or…”

“No. Don’t speak it, Justin,” I stop him. “You two just go find out where that wrong turn is and face it. At the end of it, your road together diverges, at least you will know that you’ve addressed it and can move on.”

“What about you, Ben?”

I look back at the man I married, who is once again on his cell phone. No doubt that this time it’s to Debbie, filling her in on Brian and Justin’s wrongdoings. “I have a feeling that I’ve been on the wrong road for a long time, Justin. So I’m making a u-turn and speeding along in the opposite direction. If Michael can meet me in the middle, then perhaps I’ll give this another chance.”

“But if he can’t?”

“Then I’ll move past him to meet my destiny head on. But one thing neither of us will walk away with is a lack of knowledge.”  

Michael is marching over to us now, like he’s got a heat-seeking missile jammed up his ass. I want nothing more than to be done with this whole scenario that is undoubtedly about to play out. The papers are crumpled in his hand, which upon reaching us, he launches at Justin. In a fast move, Brian pulls the younger man behind him, putting some much-needed distance between the younger man and my wayward husband.

“Brian, MOVE!! This is between the trick and me! He won’t get away with this!” Michael screeches.

“Michael, be thankful that I’m standing here right now and that Justin is behind me. If not, you wouldn’t be, standing that is. Instead you would be breathing in all that water behind you. Now I’m going to tell you this for your own good… move on, leave Justin alone and get yourself some help while you’re here. No one owes you anything; no one is going to bow down to your wishes or tantrums, and most of all, no one is going to fix the shit you created for yourself.”

I watch as Michael’s eyes suddenly fill with tears. How come I never noticed his tendency to cry at the drop of a hat and adopt that pitiful expression before?

“So that’s it, Brian? You’re just going to stand by and watch your twink ruin me? You’re not going to stop him after everything I’ve done to help you out in the past? You’re just going to cast me aside for this… this…”

“My husband, Michael. Justin has never been a trick, since the night I first laid eyes on him. He’s never had to whore himself for my attention, even if he sometimes may have felt like he did. He never had to dumb himself down to gain or keep my interest or respect. He never had to pretend to be helpless so that I could ride to his rescue. Instead, most of the time he fought me coming to his rescue at all! In short, Michael, Justin is a man… MY MAN and I am his. It has been this way for a very long time and will remain so if I have my way. I’m not going to apologize because you can’t accept this simple, fundamental truth for yourself and move on with your life.”

“But Brian…”

“NO BUTS, Michael, unless it’s for you to BUTT OUT! Now I do believe it’s time for us to get our villa assignments, so ta-ta. Ben, see you around.”

I smile at his retreating back. “Yeah but if I don’t, have a good time and I’ll see you back on the mainland. First, though, remember what what I said… both of you.”

“We will,” Justin calls out with a wave, moving off to the side with Alex.

Barry turns to face Michael and me. I chuckle inwardly at the scowl still on his face as he too watches Brian and Justin head off. Apparently, I’m not the only one who’s noticed. “Right, so well, let’s get you both settled in.”

“Where are we going?” Michael asks. “I thought we would all be staying there in the main hotel behind you.”

“Wrong again, Michael,” I correct. “Your ears always choose the wrong time not to work! So for the person in the cheap seats, which would be you… we are going to be on another side of the island entirely, away from everyone else, to work out our problems.”

“Oh for the love of FUCK! We don’t have any problems! We are doing just fine as we are.”

I just look at him for a moment. At first, I think that he is really just that blind, but then there is something in his eyes that tells a different story. “Well, be that as it may, I do have problems with this arrangement…”

“It’s a marriage, Ben.”

“No Michael, it’s an arrangement, as I’ve said. And now that we are away from your mother, we can address them and decide if we are finally going to have a marriage, or dissolve the arrangement altogether.”

“What are you talking about? We have been married for years. Besides, dissolving our partnership will leave you high and dry,” he tells me smugly. I laugh as he scowls back at me. “What the fuck is so amusing, Ben?”

“You are, if you truly believe that. Anyway, Barry, is it possible for me to have my own villa but still be in close proximity to Michael? Although I don’t want to stay in the same place with him for now, based on how he acts, that could change.” Although I don’t think it will is what I leave unsaid.

“Sure, Ben. In fact, I’ve already arranged for that to happen. Just as the Taylor-Kinneys methods of pain management are legendary, so are the Novotny Temper Tantrums. We wouldn’t want you to be too uncomfortable while you’re trying to get your lives on track. Sleeping with one eye open is not conducive to getting a good start on this journey.” He chuckles and I know that he’s discerned just how angry I am with Michael. Zen Ben has officially left the island!

“Wait! I thought the purpose of this was actually live together,” Michael interjects.

“It would have been, but then again, each couple is different and have separate needs. While Ben will be in the actual villa, you will be in the guest house right next to it. I’ve already called ahead and it is being stocked as we speak.”

I wave back to Ted, Blake, Emmett, and Drew as we move off, hoping they will have an easier time of it than I will. But come hell or high water, this trip will not be for naught. I’m getting myself back, and in the end, that’s what matters!

THE WIFE or THE MISTRESS: BOOK II: CHAPTER 3

TED

I wave back as Ben moves off, walking alongside Barry while Michael follows as if he is a lamb being led to the slaughter. I have to admit that I’m proud of Brian, Justin, and Ben. I never thought that I would see the day that Brian would back Justin’s actions up so thoroughly as to leave no doubt in Michael’s mind that they were together and will be for the foreseeable future.

“You knew, didn’t you, Teddy?” Emmett interrupts my thoughts, arms folded across his chest. Right now, I can’t tell if it’s in anger or in hurt.

I nod. “Yes, I did…. well not the particulars of how it all came about. But I did file the paperwork and combine everything as was my job. You’re not…”

He sighs deeply. “No Teddy, I’m not mad at you. I know how much Brian values his privacy and you honor his trust in you. It’s just that…”

“What is it, Em?”

“It’s just that they keep having to fight these insurmountable odds all by themselves. It would have been nice to know so that we could’ve helped them. God, Teddy we’ve been here since the beginning of the Brian and Justin saga, and I can honestly say, that we never really know what’s going on until after the situation is resolved or has gotten so far beyond their control that they can’t hide it anymore. I mean, did you hear them say that they are back in the Ethan Era of their lives? My God, Teddy…”

“I know, Em. I know, but they have to fix it. We each have our own problems. Perhaps with Justin’s main antagonist basically contained, they will have a chance to get it all out in the open.”

“Are you both serious right now?!” Blake interrupts.

“What do you mean?”

“I think that Drew and I are of the same mind when it comes to Michael and being in close proximity to Brian, even if it is at opposite ends of an island. Someone, somewhere is going to believe that pitiful, boy-next-door act that he’s perfected over the years. He’ll find someone, or people, to buy into his band of bullshit. Look, I’ll admit that Duke, Bernard, and the other counselors have done and are doing the best they can by all of us. But I just don’t think we should get complacent in believing that Michael won’t still make trouble, especially for Brian and Justin, in whichever way he finds to be conducive to his goals.”  

Duke interjects, “We’re working on that as we speak.”

“What do you mean?” I ask, because I’m genuinely confused. I thought this was supposed to be considered a safe space for all of us.

Bernard sighs heavily. “It came to our attention while we were at the airport that there are some… people from Brian and Justin’s past, who are also vacationing here with their partners.”

“Fucking hell! Isn’t there anything you can do?”

“At the moment, no. They all paid their money, so we can’t kick them off the island. But with you all being in opposite corners, it will hopefully minimize contact. It doesn’t mean that all of you can’t roam around freely, but that you should at least be aware of risks in doing so. And remember that this place is set up so that there are individual resorts within the main one, so there is always something to do within your own areas.”

I think about what he’s just said and then weigh it against what we know about Michael and his motives. “Well, all we can do at this point is hope for the best. In the meantime, I guess we all better get settled into our own corners. You said the rest of the day is ours to do with as we please?”

“Yes, Ted. Make no mistake, tomorrow begins the hard work. But for today, feel free to explore your corner of what will become your home for at least the next month. If you all need any of us after you’ve gotten yourselves settled, we’ll be at the main resort and will be easily accessible to you.”

Strangely, that makes me feel better. I know it might not make sense, but even though Blake and I are talking more, we’re still not us yet. I feel his hand on my shoulder and looking into his wary eyes, I know he just had the exact same thought. “I think I can speak for Blake and I when I say that I’m glad, Bernard. It’s nice to know that there will be an impartial party to pull our heads out of our asses should the need arise.”

“Just take this time out today to have fun and explore. Don’t talk about any serious issues between you two today. Be tourists, for God’s sake! Learn how to be together again without the tension which has become as a third person in your relationship- Michael Novotny, notwithstanding. The hard work begins tomorrow so just enjoy tonight. Okay?”

We both nod, and with hugs and kisses to Em and Drew, we head off with Bernard.

BLAKE

I got to the cart with Ted and Bernard when I remember that I have to… “Be right back. I have to give Giant a message.”

“Giant?” Bernard asks as Ted chuckles.

“Yeah. It’s what we call Drew,” I confirm. “Diane texted while we were in the air. Everything’s a go down in Tampa. At her request, I have to ask him to dispatch a few of his guards down there to help them clear out the warehouse. Apparently, Flora is trying to enlist her brothers to intimidate the workers from even entering the building.”  

“Don’t worry, Squirt. I’ll make the call. You and Teddy going to be okay? You have my number if you need to talk, you know.”

“I know, Giant, but I think there’s hope for us in some small way. The fact that he’s still willing to help me in spite of all we’re going through…”

He nods. “That’s just Ted though. It’s not hard to see why he and Em are friends. They are cut from the same cloth. But a word of advice: Tell him everything and don’t hold back.”

“I w…”

“Bullshit, Squirt. I’ve gotten to know you pretty well. The one thing you will do is put Ted’s feelings above your own regardless of how the last year has gone between you. And don’t think I’m just talking to you; I’ll have to follow my own advice. But I’m determined that Em and I are going to be even better than we once were.  If that means no-holds-barred and putting everything I have on the line, then that’s what it will be. You have to, too. Look at it this way, at least you won’t fall apart from the hidden things you’ve kept from him. Give him all of the information he needs to make an informed decision about what he can live with, and then stay or go from there.”

I reach out to hug him because ultimately that was what I needed to hear. I have to give myself permission to be completely honest and fearless throughout this whole process. Those two qualities of myself had been lost many years ago through the beatings and verbal backlash I endured within a less than accepting family. Their loss is what led me to leaving Tampa and my long and varied history with substance abuse. I used when I didn’t want to feel the emotional pain I was in from losing myself, but I used harder when I would try to forget why I was in the pain in the first place.  

“I will, Giant, I promise. It’s just going to take time.”

“I know, but give yourself- you AND Ted- that time to process everything. I’m sure that you aren’t in this by yourself. You both need each other. Remember, if anyone can understand what you’re going through, it’s your husband.”

He left me to process what he’d said to return to Emmett’s side. I have to inwardly smile because there was a time when both he and I were jealous of the relationship that our spouses have with each other. During our time on the way to Tampa, we picked it apart as a means of distraction of what I would be meeting there, and I can see that what he said is right in all facets. The time for secrets has long passed between Teddy and I. I just have to trust that whatever the outcome of full disclosure is, it’s going to be the right one. Please, dear God, let it be the RIGHT one!

Walking back over to Teddy, I frown because he is on the phone again. I swear, sometimes I wonder what he used his right hand for the most before coming into my life. But I’m coming to realize that if it wasn’t for the way Ted now handles and views his business, I may not have my Teddy at all. It’s quite humbling when put in that perspective. Ted is not one to half-ass anything, and sadly that extended to his foray into the dark side of life. I know there are things he never told me, beginning with exactly what his rock bottom was. It’s something that we never discussed and in truth, he doesn’t even really know mine. So I guess that’s something else he and I have to address, because it seems to be affecting us both again. I wonder if he’s having the drug dreams too. Sometimes I think that he is… I mean, Meth is such a fickle and mean-spirited mistress that once you start to dream or crave her again, it’s almost impossible to fight the allure of lady Crystal. But he just brushes the moments off, excusing his inattentiveness or restlessness as work-related. And I bought into his reasons except… I sigh deeply. I’ll just have to wait and see what he tells me, but in the meantime, I have to follow Drew’s advice.

FIRE and ICE: BOOK II: CHAPTER 3

EMMETT

As Drewsie and Blake talk to finalize plans for Tampa, my mind keeps flipping back to the revelations of the afternoon so far. I’m so bothered by everything that is just now coming to the light. I mean, FUCK! We could’ve been there for them. I’ve pretty much always been Team Justin, at first because it was a way to needle Brian, but then because of who Justin was, is, and has grown to be, which is a phenomenal young man with more sense than some of us older folks. But then, I’m reminded of something Jennifer once said to me some years ago about Brian and Justin.

“Emmett honey, you’re a smart man. Stick to the adage of believe half of what you see and none of what you hear where my sons are concerned.”

“What do you mean? Everyone knows Brian and Justin’s story. They live out loud and proud.”

“Oh Darling, no one really knows their story; only the bits and pieces that happen in public, and not even me. However, if you look closely like I did, you’ll be able to see what’s real, and not the conclusions certain people would have you believe. The only people with the power to break them up, is Brian and Justin, but until they discover that, and begin to live that one fundamental truth, they will keep running into their problems, instead of solving them for good.”

I always wondered what she met when she said that, and now I think I finally understand. I also think I can comprehend why they kept their marriage a secret, even while everything they were doing and have done since getting back together screamed commitment. Undeniably, Brian and Justin are extremely private people. Yet it’s clear to anyone who would but look, how deeply they love each other. Teddy and I have remarked on it many times in the past when we were by ourselves; we dared not utter such sentiments in the presence of Michael. But as I think back over all the times we were together post-Stockwell, it’s all clear to me now.

At first glance, Ted and I thought that poverty was making them closer. I mean, Justin was working his life away just for them to eat and have moderate utilities, while Brian was steadily trying to find a job after being let go from Vanguard. Thank God for that clause Melanie, in all her former venom had put in! She had meant it for evil at the time, but it turned out to be a great thing for Brian. The litigation took several closed door meetings, but ultimately, Brian came out on top and Justin right along with him. They ended up with more than enough start up money, a reward for the wrongful termination lawsuit, and money for Brian to pay off all the debt he incurred while keeping our happy Homo haven safe. Then L.A. and New York happened, but through it all Brian and Justin continued to work like mad, building Kinnetik and JTDesigns from the ground up.While Remson Pharmaceuticals was Brian’s first Kinnetik client, Brett Keller was Justin’s first JTD client. They were literally conquering both coasts while apart and yet, they were never more together. It’s funny what you notice when you take off the Novotny colored glasses and look in hindsight with fresh eyes.

So now I understand what Jennifer was trying to tell me that long ago evening. If time and distance couldn’t keep them apart; if all the tricks in the world couldn’t come between them despite the fact that they were living separate lives for a time, then nothing and no one could. Ultimately, it’s their decision whether they stay or go. I’m praying that they stay! Which brings me to my own dilemma with Drewsie…

I have already made up my mind to tell him everything, but the question is when? Should I arrange to meet with Justin privately through Alex, to disclose what I know so that he can deal with it in therapy just as I will? Or do I wait until after he finally discloses it to Brian, if that happens, that is? It’s bothered me for a long time, and whereas I don’t really want to talk about it with Duke, I know that I must. This is one of the two deep-seated secrets that have been tearing me up inside and dimming my light a little at a time. The drive to never again be put in the position of helplessness that led to Justin being at Sap’s party in the first place, keeps me working my fingers to the bone and my brain down to the white meat.

Yeah, when I arrived in the Pitts, I found myself in a desperate situation much like Justin’s, only mine was to get money to pay my rent so that I could drug within the privacy of my own abode where no one could see and criticize me. Justin’s situation was for a much more noble reason. Yet how different were they really? Mine was to keep my home while Justin was trying to contribute to the home he was staying in and trying to pay for school. Somewhat different reasons for our actions, but the basic concept was the same: survival. Justin wanted to contribute so that he would never be kicked out again; I wanted to money so that I still had a home to go to. My job at Torso just wasn’t paying enough for the rent, but it was enough to keep dancing with Lady Crystal for a time. Fucking, and fucking around with lowlifes paid better. Except on that one fateful night…

I came home battered and bruised from a three-day fuckfest, and two grand in my pocket, only to discover that I no longer had a home in which to lay my head. The hooker down the hall had gotten a little wild with her john and knocked over several candles which ultimately resulted in a five-alarm fire. So the money burning a hole in my pocket forced me to make a critical decision, even within my depression of losing my meager belongings and relative safety net… either find somewhere else to live, or die of an overdose. Although the latter was beyond tempting, I chose the former and didn’t go back to Crystal again… until Teddy.

“What’s got you over here looking both pensive and maudlin at the same time, Em?” Drew asks me. I was so lost in my thoughts, I didn’t see or hear him approach.

“Many things, but I’ll have to tell you about them another time.”

“I figured, but if it helps, you’re not alone.”

I smiled then. “It does, but today is for us to get to know this beautiful place. I think it will be good for us to do that, don’t you?”

“Yeah. With the exception of having a Novotny present, the island really does seem peaceful.”

“I suspect we’ll know just how much once we get to our corner of it.”

“I thought so, too.” Drew looks down at his ringing cell phone at the same time mine goes off.

I roll my eyes when I see exactly who is calling me. Michael. I’m debating on answering it when the phone is unceremoniously taken from my hand. “Ah, Duke…”

“Sometimes silence is golden, Emmett. This is one of those times. If you had given into your first inclination to answer the phone just now, what do you think the conversation would be?”

I sigh, because I know he’s right. “It would have been about all the wrongs done to him and how I stood there and let it happen. Oh why, can’t he just get a clue that he’s brought all his misery to himself?”

Duke shakes his head. “I don’t know, Emmett. But I will tell you, that one has to want to seek the clue in the first place. No answer in this universe is just simply given without a question being asked, even if it’s not done aloud.”

I chuckle. “You know, my aunt Lula said something similar to me once. It was when I was debating about leaving Hazelhurst. She said, ‘Child, you can stay here and become a blue-collar mess like your family or get out there and become one of them white-collar folk with a house on the hill. Do yourself a favor and want more out of life than for it to just happen to you. Get out there and learn how to design your life.’”

“Your Aunt Lula sounds like a wise woman,” he tells me.

“She was. Even in that podunk town, she was larger than the hand life dealt her and she never settled. She stayed because she wanted to, not because she was afraid to leave. I don’t know what I would’ve done without her. She died not too long after I had gotten Queer Eye for Everybody’s Eye. And now, I’m one of them white-collar folk with a house on a hill she talked about.”

“Yes, you are Emmett Honeycutt-Boyd. And you are not about to let your own metaphorical Hazelhurst Revisited bring you down to his level. Today is for you and Drew to get to know the island and to have inconsequential conversations; to just learn how to have fun with each other again. You can’t do that if you’re spending your valuable time listening to the incessant whining of a man without a clue. Besides, I need your phone for the rest of the afternoon… well at least until dinner time.”

“Why?” I’m genuinely curious since Duke should have his own phone. He is a doctor after all.

“I need to pull some information off of the phone cloud. Don’t worry, we are all doing it for our clients. Justin said something to Brian at the airport that really has us all a bit puzzled.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. He said that you all were sent text messages, emails, and the like, but the calls were either ignored or answered by…”

“Michael? No. That’s impossible! Our phones didn’t ring and by the time I tried to reach out to Drew, he wasn’t answering.”

“And that’s where the discrepancy of events is right now. You are saying something remarkably similar to what Brian and Ted have said. The one thing we do know, is that with Iphones, which you all have, that there is a cloud in which information is stored even when erased and no longer on the device itself. We’re hoping that if there were any messages, they are there and can be printed up. Sadly, we may not be able to retrieve any voicemails, but then again, there may be a way to get those too. In the meantime, not having your electronic leash will give you and Drew time to focus on each other instead of business and stalkerish phone calls. It will also absolve you of your guilty conscience of evading Michael’s calls.”

“You know, for someone who is really just meeting me, you seem to know me pretty damn well,” I tell him, marveling at how true the statement is.

“When you’ve been in the profession as long as we all have, reading actions and body language becomes almost second nature. In fact, sometimes it’s hard to turn the medical diagnosis portion of our brains off. Which reminds me, the thing that you were so deep in thought about a few short moments ago, stop thinking of it right now. We’ll address whatever it is tomorrow during your first session. The anxiety was pouring off of you in waves, so I know that you’ll need help to put the situation into its proper perspective. For tonight, give your mind a break, okay?”

I drop my eyes and nod. “It’s just that… well…”

He lays his hand on my shoulder. “Tomorrow.”

I nod at him as Drew comes upon us. “Everything okay?” he asks.

I smile up at him. I know it’s not my best or brightest, but it is genuine. “Yeah, Drewsie. Duke just stopped me from answering Michael’s calls. Now that would have been a disaster.”

“Yeah it would’ve. But I just got off the phone with Justin. He’s going to send some manpower to Tampa on Blake’s behalf to move things along. Hopefully the relocation can happen even sooner than next Wednesday. Brian and Justin authorized Kinnetik to be closed and all in-house appointments to be rescheduled beginning Thursday of next week so that Cynthia can go down there and do what she does best.”

“Damn… I almost feel sorry for Blake’s relatives. She’s like Brian if he ever decided to have a sex change and don a pair of Manolos. Scary!”

Drew laughed. “Both literally and figuratively. I think it would be for him, too.” He turns to Duke then. “So Justin told me that I needed to hand my phone over to you for the afternoon?”

Our counselor smiles. “Yeah, but don’t worry. If any calls come through pertaining to Blake, I’ll get your phone back to you posthaste. It shouldn’t take long to pull up the information and compile it. So you should have it back by dinner.”

“No problem by me. In fact, if nutjob Novotny calls, feel free to drop my phone in the ocean. Not that I think he would really call me, but in his quest to get to Emmett, I don’t doubt he’ll try anything to meet his end.”

“Well, Michael is nothing if not persistent…” I add.

“True, but my nutjob comment also extends to his walking umbilical cord named Debbie. I know how you feel about her, Em, but a large part of Michael’s problems and sense of entitlement stem from her. I don’t know that I can forgive that as easily as the rest of you do.”

“I know, Drewsie. I promise not to answer any calls from her for today. I don’t know about tomorrow because it isn’t here yet and I don’t want to have to decide that. So can it be enough that I promise for now? I have to make the choice everyday for it to be truly genuine, Drew. You understand that, don’t you?” I look pleadingly into his eyes. It was one thing that I remember about Brian’s ‘no locks on the doors statement’. He gave Justin the opportunity to choose him everyday, instead of their relationship turning into one of obligation, at least until they were sure of who and what they wanted. It was one of the ultimate and most unselfish gifts Brian had ever given Justin: the freedom of choice.

“Yes, Em. I can live with that. Although I won’t deny wishing that you could promise it right now, I do understand why it’s going to be hard for you. I don’t like it, but I do understand it.”

I hug him close and lay my head in the crook of his neck. “Thank you, Drewsie.”

DREW

It was time to officially start healing… If this is concession is the only one that stands in the way of that happening, allowing him the freedom of choice is no hardship. I just hope he continues to choose us, but only time will tell.

BEFORE I LET GO: BOOK II: CHAPTER FOUR

ALEX

Holy heavens! Unholy fucking hell! We are currently sitting within the conference room within the main resort, going through the text messages, emails, and call logs from Justin, Blake, and Drew’s phones, while comparing them to what Brian, Ted, and Emmett actually received.

“Well if this all doesn’t prove just why Justin and the others are upset, I don’t know what else will!” Barry says as he pulls yet, another paper off of the printer. “Wait. Listen to this one from Justin…

‘Brian, I know that for whatever reason, you’ve chosen to follow Michael… AGAIN. But try to remember that while he’s a slacker and destined to be destitute, YOU ARE NOT! John Remson has been trying to reach both you AND Ted and is just about ready to find another agency to work with. WE promised him that we would be available for a consultation this week. Since I have no idea what’s been done so far, since I’ve been working on JTD- you do remember that I have my own business as well, don’t you?- and you didn’t leave the preliminary notes on the account the way you NORMALLY do, kindly give me a FUCKING call so that I- I mean, since you’re off playing around with your best friend and all- can begin this campaign from where you left off or from scratch. On a personal note, I’m tired, Brian. REALLY FUCKING TIRED! Your soon-to-be-ex fuckbuddy, Justin (that’s in case you don’t remember my name… AGAIN)’.

"Now when have any of you known meticulous, Brian Kinney, to willingly neglect a client? To shirk his responsibilities?”

“He doesn’t,” I answer unhesitatingly. “Any idea where the calls from Remson came through? He’s located in Dansville, Connecticut I believe.”

“203-856-4423 is Remson Pharm’s main number,” Bernie informs us. “And it looks like the calls began the same afternoon that Michael decided he just needed to get away. Would that he would have stayed away…” he mutters, and when we all look at him, he issues a hasty apology.

“That’s better. But is that from Ted’s list?”

“Yep, it is. Is the number listed the same on Brian’s?” he asks me.

“No… the area code is the same but the following numbers are different. My guess is that since they happened at 9:30 and 10:00 in the morning,  then 7:20 and so on in the evening, that Brian wouldn’t have heard them or their messages at all. Besides, how many times have we been at Woody’s and Brian had to step away to take a business call? He certainly would have taken one from one of his premiere clients,” Duke says.

“That’s right! So, there is just one instance of actual proof that Brian’s ‘leech’ was controlling the situation with the cell phones. So what are we going to do about it?” Bernie poses the question. Followed by, “Look, I know that we are not supposed to have any bias when treating patients, but not one of us is innocent in wanting to knock the fuck out of Novotny a time, or in my case, six hundred times… and that has only been in the last few days! I can imagine how Justin, Blake, and Drew feel at this point. So we have to do something- that’s for certain- but we have to agree on when and how it’s done. That’s all I’m saying.”

“I agree that something needs to be done about these, and I’m opting that we divulge their contents sooner rather than later,” Duke says. “The longer we’re quiet about them, the more time Michael has to reason his ass out of hot water. Not only that, we already know that with some of the other ‘guests,’ he’s bound to enlist their help once he finds out that they are on the island. Now, whether they fall for his brand of shit or not is entirely up to them, although we all hope they won’t. But let’s face the facts here… Michael Novotny can be very persuasive and manipulative when he wants to be, and there is no doubt that he will want to be here. So I say that we give all of the others the facts, but do so within Emmett, Ben, Brian, and Ted’s sessions first, so that they each have time to absorb the implications of Michael’s perfidy in private and figure out why they each chose to be willfully blind. Yes, that also includes Ben, since he developed the same habit of intentional ignorance as Brian had, up until very recently, and to the same degree. I suppose it could be part conditioning from Debbie to ensure that her baby boy was always happy, while freeing up her own guilty conscience for no longer wanting to take care of her adult offspring all the time.  But that still doesn’t explain why such strong, opinionated, and driven men would constantly bow down to the wishes of a termagant and her termite. To put it plainly, why allow themselves to be bullied when they all are rather vocal against bullying of any kind? That is the question which needs to be picked apart and answered first and foremost, before any other thing within their relationships as a whole can be addressed fully. I suspect that if they can’t come up with a plausible reason or a guarantee that it will never happen again, we all may just be wasting our time. As for the call and message logs, after we finish with that individual session, and the questions of their behaviors have been answered within themselves, then it can be addressed within the couples session. But it needs to be about ONLY that issue at that time. No doubt everyone will be tired and tempers are bound to spiral out of control while talking about what Michael did. So it’s best that we control the situation by not allowing them to mix any other issues into this particular argument.”

“Ah, so if they decide to stop talking, let it be because of their own issues and that they want to, not because of something he did to cause trouble,” Barry nods. “I think that’s the wisest course of action right now, Alex. And I must admit that I’m not particularly looking forward to any premature meetings with Michael, without Ben having all of the facts, such as they are. He has learned how to twist and dance around the truth far too well from Debbie, so that it’s often hard to tell the lies thrown haphazardly in the mix while listening to him. It’s a classic, tactical move in the WIS syndrome he and Deb have.”

“WIS? What the hell is WIS?” Bernie asks.

“An acronym for Whine Into Submission, and a very accurate one at that. That’s Michael’s manner of operations. Whine until the only option anyone has to drown out his voice is to either give him what he wants or actually drown him, in any body of water from a toilet bowl to the Golden Triangle... whatever that will shut him up. So since none of our guys have gone to jail for assault or attempted murder, that leaves the WIS as a viable option for Michael to continue his emotional tyranny.”

As Barry continues talking, I nod, and agree that this is the way to go. It’s the only way to get through to Brian, first and foremost. And quite possibly, it will be the way to get him to finally explain the puzzle that Brian Aiden Taylor-Kinney came to be.

STAYING or GOING: BOOK II: CHAPTER FOUR- PLAYING FOOL TO CATCH WISE

DAY ONE

BRIAN

Spending the day with Justin yesterday was a little… rough going at times. There’s an awkwardness that has grown between us and I’m not sure when it happened or where it came from. After we left the airport, I thought things would be better. I admit, I seem to have channeled Justin’s former gift of optimism. And we were fine… well, as long as we were talking about business. I could tell that a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders with the actions he’s taken in regards to the comic. Also, the elation at finally being able to get back some of his own in reference to Michael left him feeling a bit like himself- the person he was after he had finally beaten Craig- for a time. I know I should feel a bit bad for my best friend; his dreams are now officially in the toilet, after all. But after the shit he’s been doing and has done to Justin, I can’t say that I feel even an ounce of sympathy for him.

Once we arrived at the villa, we took our time exploring our new surroundings, beginning with its interior. Alex walked us through the area, which at first resembled my loft with its open floor plan. The structure was all glass and chrome but it still felt comfortable. In essence, it seemed a true blend of my minimalistic, clean-lined style with touches of the artistic and comfortable finishes that is more Justin’s. The entire side of the property gave an unparalleled view of the turquoise waters of the ocean. It was then that he showed us the pocket doors which led to a sunken deck area alongside a full-length pool. It was obvious that the people who created this area had taken their time in giving any future visitors a completely secluded oasis. Once we headed back inside, it was then that I noticed the different color furniture. Of course, there was a roomy L-shaped sectional in cream, like Justin and I had at the loft, but it was the two sets of red and yellow plush recliners that at first, seemed a bit out of place until we heard his explanation for them.

“There will most certainly be times when one or both of you are incredibly angry or confused. These chairs are designed to help you process before speaking, if necessary. They swivel so that you can either look out onto the ocean or if you should need a point of focus, the rose garden and vast grounds beyond. You’ll find that the gardens extend from this side all the way to the back of the property. It was designed that way with the theory that even if you’re feeling trapped within your minds, you’ll be able to see your way clear from any point within the villa, including the restroom. It also provides seclusion from the other residents and hotels on the island.”

“Does everyone else have a set up like this?” Justin asked, in awe, just like I was.

“They each have a similar set up but with different amenities, more suited to their needs. I chose this one for you and Brian because the two of you are deep thinkers, but you’re also easily distracted, due the fact that everyone depends on you. It doesn’t matter if they know you or not; people gravitate towards the two of you. Being here will give you both the time to be yourselves and let your guards down without fear of being found, or found out. The traumas done to yourselves and each other- either personally or by way of other people- will require that you both be mentally present.”

“So why red and yellow chairs? They seem a bit out of place in here.”

“That’s exactly why they belong here. The red chairs are for when you’re not up for conversation of any kind. It’s your quiet place and no one is allowed to intrude on that. The yellow chairs are for when you want to talk, but still feel the need to be wary about the subject matter. The sectional is for when you both are having a good moment between you, or are conducting business that requires both of your full focus on the matter at hand. If at anytime, either of you needs to end the conversation or activity, for whatever reason, that’s what the red chairs are for.”

At first, I thought Alex was full of shit, until I came back from walking along the beach and saw Justin sitting in one of the red recliners, looking out towards the gardens. I knew when he was in that chair that I couldn’t speak to him so I sat in one of the yellow chairs and waited. It took about an hour for him to acknowledge me, but I didn’t mind since it gave me a chance to observe him. There was no question that Justin was planning within that overactive brain of his, but what was it? As he looked at me, I knew within my heart that I couldn’t ask him what he was thinking about; I didn’t feel I had earned that right back yet. So I simply asked him where he wanted to go for dinner.  We ended up at the Stokley Bar and Grill. Alex hadn’t lied when he said that the villa was nestled within its own resort away from the main area. Nothing looked familiar around us, but that was okay because I couldn’t get lost without Justin being lost with me. That fact, as far as I was concerned, was all to the good.

We ordered and kept the conversation light. I just enjoyed being someplace new with him and seeing it all through his eyes. Sure, Justin and I had gone away together before, but that was strictly for business purposes. We’d never had a real vacation, not even a honeymoon. It was then that I realized that beyond working our businesses and going to our usual haunts when we were in Pittsburgh, Justin and I hadn’t really done much privately since we’ve known each other. I swallowed hard at the reality that we’d really only boiled down to business. Of course, we were still hot, and hot for each other- at least that was the case with me- but outside of that, it was like we’d lost ourselves in the constant grind of success. Rising to the top of our respective and collective fields, has left us scraping the bottom when it came to our relationship. It was then that I questioned if we had done the right thing by marrying.

“Don’t think about it,” Justin whispers right at that moment.

“What are you talking about?”

“Nothing. I…”

“Let’s not start this trip with lies, Justin. Not to ourselves or to each other. So tell me… please?”

“I was just wondering why we’d never gone away like this before,” he tells me, shyly.

I nod and sigh. “We did try a few times, but…”

“Things, people, and business just kept getting in the way. Do you think that’s at least part of what went wrong? Us never taking time out for each other?”

I had to think about that for a moment. Justin and I had set-up date nights when we first got back together after the unmentionable, but once we allowed the first interruption, we just… stopped. I told him, “I think that’s a part of it, but there was something else. I mean, life happens to everyone, married or not, and some still make time to fix what’s broken.”

“So, is that what we are? Are we broken, Brian?”

“Badly damaged, for certain. But broken? I honestly don’t know.”

We left the conversation there last night, both silently agreeing not to talk about it further just then. Instead, we concentrated on the excellent food and talked of inconsequential things like business and Daphne’s latest call from gay old Paris. We also talked briefly about the London job that Justin is considering, but not whether he’s going to take the job, or his feelings about the man requiring his services. I guess he knew those would be hot-button subjects and we promised Alex that we wouldn’t argue or talk about things that had the potential to cause harm. When we arrived back at the villa well past midnight, we did what we always seem to do lately. We fucked hard, showered silently and went to sleep.

So now, I’m on my way to the first session. I’m not sure what to expect. Don’t get me wrong, I know not to expect this all to be easy, or to give ‘microwave’ answers to problems which have been stewing for far too long between us and are now boiling out of control. I’m not that optimistic. But I am hoping to understand Justin better; to see this all through his eyes for a change. And if that has to start with me accepting some hard truths about myself… well, I’ve never been one to not face it, even if I don’t admit that truth aloud to someone else.

“Good morning, Brian. Come on in and get comfortable,” Alex tells me and I smirk at his choice of words. I am decidedly not comfortable with any of this and yet I know, it has to be done.

As I settle on the recliner across from him, I’m actually surprised at the set up. There is a full oceanview and the space feels more like a living room than an office setting, although there is a desk. Clearing my throat, I ask, “So have you been able to pull up the messages from the cloud?”

He smiles. “Before we come to that, I’d like you to tell me why you married Justin.”

“Because I love him. Isn’t that reason enough?”

“Not exactly. There are plenty of people in relationships such as yours who never take that step. I reckon that you two would still be together even if you never joined your lives in this way.”

“I would like to think so.”

“Then why marriage? Why a Legal Domestic Partnership, which joins you both so thoroughly that you can’t even move anything in your lives without the other one knowing?”

I thought about that for a moment. It wasn’t something that Justin had asked of me, even though I knew he would jump at the chance. “When we had gotten back together, I thought… well, if there was anyone I would want to tie myself to for the rest of my natural life, it would be Justin. After everything we went through with Stockwell, and then L.A. came a-calling… I guess…”

He nods. “So timing was everything. But perhaps there was also a little fear?”

That brought me up short. Did I actually fear losing Justin again? I mean, after everything, there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that Justin would stay with me then, no matter what. But… “I didn’t fear losing him per se…”

“Brian, you have to be honest here. I won’t judge you, you have to know that. So I’ll ask again. Was the reason that you asked Justin to marry you, besides the obvious love you share, because of the fear that he was leaving you behind again?”

“He wasn’t leaving me behind; he was going for work. Michael had basically bullied him into it and…”

“Stop stalling. This isn’t about Michael’s involvement, although we’ll get to that too. But this is about what you were feeling when Justin told you he was going to L.A. How Justin ended up in Hollywood originally makes no never mind, but the after effects are what matter here. What did you feel when Justin said that he wanted to take the extended job with Brett Keller?”

I sigh deeply before answering. “Justin said that although Mikey forced him into it, he thought that it would be a good thing for us. I was just recovering financially and we had started Kinnetik. We were doing good, but for some reason, it felt like he’d already made his decision and was just telling me what he was going to do. Somewhere, while we were separated, Justin came back to me this self-assured man, and I knew that I didn’t want to lose him. So yeah, I came up with a way to make sure that no matter who he was with or wherever he would go, he would always return to me. It helped that I was already having thoughts of what it would be like to be with him for always, not just for however long it lasts, as I had thought previously. Los Angeles just moved up the timetable.”

“And would you change anything about the circumstances in which you asked Justin to join his life with yours?”

“I don’t do regrets, but even if I did, I don’t have a single one about binding myself to Justin Taylor-Kinney. It has proven time and again to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” Alex tells me as he hands me the sheaf of papers he’s been toying with since we sat down. “What you have there are the messages, both written and transcribed from the voicemails, of your Partner-free weekend. I’m going to leave you for a few moments to go over them by yourself.”

I nod, already looking through the pages and pages of messages Justin left me. Not only were they foreign to me, but increasing in agitation. I can’t say that I blame him. If I were him, I probably would have thought the same thing… that he was ignoring me, instead of him just not knowing that I was reaching out. After a time, Justin’s text and voicemails had become perfunctory and business-related. No emotion, no words beyond those pertaining to Kinnetik and JTD, Inc., much like they are now. That hurt worse than if he had just told me that I was a motherfucking piece of shit. At least, he would have been showing me his anger. Instead, they were messages as nonchalant as if he was ordering lunch.

Alex came back into the room just as I was putting the rest of the stack down. I just couldn’t read any more. I have to wonder when we became this shell of our former selves and when Justin had officially reached the point where he decided to stop trying. Clearly, it was before the first of the business-related messages, telling me what he was doing and when he had acquired more real estate. So when?

“How are you feeling? I know it seems a redundant question, but it’s one that needs to be asked and answered truthfully. So Brian, how did reading the evidence of Justin’s claims make you feel?”

“Honestly, like shit,” I tell Alex. “I mean, I didn’t know, that’s true, but putting myself into Justin’s place, I can understand why he’s angry with me. Yet, I also feel relieved.”

“Relieved?”

“Yeah, relieved. Having to make the choice between Michael and my husband… well, it should have never come down to that. I should have always chosen Justin. But part of me feels relieved, because now I can do so with a clear conscience. Does that make sense?”

“Believe it or not, yes. Deb and Michael were there for you in a time when you had no one else to rely on. The physical and emotional abuse you suffered at the hands of Jack, Joan, and Claire Kinney, scarred you in ways that no one should have to deal with. They provided a safe haven for you, if only for a little while. In exchange, they demanded your loyalty- not through words, but through their actions. Their words of how much you owed them came later, after you’d made a success of yourself within the Advertising community. But prior to that, think of all the times you saved Michael from being beat up; the times you paid off Michael and Deb’s debts. We won’t count Vic, because despite everything he’d done for you, he also never threw it in your face or tried to block any good thing from your path that would take you away from his plans for you. With Michael and Debbie, their love was always contingent upon your ability to take care and be there for Michael. So yes, Brian, your relief of choosing what you need over what they want is viable. It doesn’t make you a bad person; it makes you a free one.”

I nod my head at his assessment. Part of the reason I’ve been so reluctant to let go of Michael and Deb is because of the shared history. They knew me long before I became the Stud of Liberty Avenue, or Brian Kinney, CEO of Kinnetik. They knew that scared little kid, who just couldn’t understand why he was always so hated by God and family alike. “It’s weird, but yeah, you’re right. I just never really saw it that way… well, I did, but I couldn’t give words to it. When Justin came around, it was hard to believe that he wanted me just for me. I was so used to being everything to everyone that I couldn’t recognize someone who was just there for me and didn’t want anything tangible in return.”

“I imagine that was hard. Was your family still asking you for money back then?”

“Everyone was asking me for money or something! It was like I couldn’t go to eat without Michael asking or Deb asking for Michael. I couldn’t go to work without Lindsay calling and asking for my sperm and a loan. I couldn’t go home without Jack, Joan, Claire, Deb, or Michael showing up at my door demanding a handout, spouting that it was my duty in some form to take care of them. Then along comes Justin, a guy who wanted a piece of the Stud of Liberty Avenue… only he didn’t know I was the stud.”

“And how did you respond to that knowledge? How were you feeling?”

“At first, it felt good. I mean, here was a kid who didn’t have any expectations beyond getting off. I could be a fucking travesty in bed, and he wouldn’t have known the difference but…”

“But?”

“It’s strange, but after finding out that Justin was a virgin, I just wanted to protect him.”

“Protect him?”

“Yeah. Don’t get me wrong… I wanted to- and did- fuck his brains out, but his innocence called to me. I wanted him to remember his first time with fondness, not the pain that I did.”

“How was your first time?”

“Fucked beyond measure. It’s why it took me eons to ever bottom again, and then only with Justin. My gym teacher was a closeted older man, who apparently never learned the finer points of etiquette. We had an affair, if you can call it that, from when I was fourteen until just before I graduated. In exchange, I got a soccer scholarship. The academic scholarship came when I fucked the then Dean of Student Affairs at Penn State. I topped him for an entire weekend once a year for all four years I was there. My GPA was great and could have sustained me without the Dean, but when someone in power threatens to change your grades if you didn't do what they wanted...well, you just do what you have to do in order to succeed no matter the personal cost. So you see, when Justin came along, I wasn’t sure how to accept a person who wanted nothing more from me than just to be with me, or to learn from me or…”

“To love you? Is that what you were going to say, Brian?”

I nodded, unable to form the words past the lump in my throat. “Before Justin came along, my entire existence was wrapped up in fucking. It was all I was and all I thought that I would ever be- both to myself and to others. He changed all that.”

“We’re going to end here for today since Justin will be coming in shortly. Don’t worry, I won’t betray your confidence. Besides, the latter part of what we discussed is something that has to be discussed in the couples’ session. In the meantime, you have homework.”

“Why don’t I like the sound of that?”

“Because you won’t. Your assignment is to leave here and go directly back to the villa. I want you to write your thoughts and feelings from today’s session in your individual journal.”

“I thought we just did that.”

“No, this is a self-examination kind of thing. Just write the first things that pop into your mind without filtering them; don’t erase or cross out anything no matter how much the compulsion drives you to do so. Trust me, Brian, it’s necessary. Oft times, we edit ourselves even within our own thoughts, and it hinders us from reaching our full potential. It hinders us from really striving for what we really want, based on what someone else feels is correct. Yes, even you, though you are more about self-gratification than the idealistic alternatives. If you weren’t, well you wouldn’t have been forced to finally make a choice, now would you?”

I thought about what he’s said and actually have to grudgingly agree. “Damn, I hate when you are right. But be warned, Alex. It won’t happen too often.”

“I look forward to the challenge, Brian. I’ll see you later.”

I left the office feeling a little better about what he and I talked about. Having Alex say aloud what I’ve thought, but have never come right out and said, put things in a new perspective for me. No, I’m not better, since Justin and I aren’t fixed yet, but I will admit that this therapy thing isn’t half bad.

JUSTIN

I saw Brian leaving the office a few moments ago and breathed a sigh of relief. I didn’t want to have an awkward conversation about inconsequential things or how his session went. I suppose he and I will talk at some point today, but I can put it off awhile longer. Right now, I have to gear myself up to being emotionally probed again by Alex. Never an easy task, as I learned a long time ago.

The thing about Alex is that he doesn’t allow you to hide. Even what you deem as the truth, often contains a hidden lie in there somewhere. I always found that theory of his strange, but when he told me that lying includes those of omission, I began to see what he meant. It happens when we stop our minds from playing devil’s advocate in order to live in what we perceive as the truth at the time, afraid that we’re just not right in our thinking and beliefs. Yet if we took the time to look at things from a different perspective, we might have saved ourselves loads of bullshit that comes with hurt feelings and the like. What can I say except that I’m still a work in progress when it comes to that.

As I enter the office, I can still smell a hint of Armani Code within the space, telling me that Brian has been here. No, it’s not just the scent, since hundreds of men wear the same fragrance, but that it is mixed with the smell that is wholly and uniquely Brian. It’s a scent that I would know and instantly be attracted to even if I was deaf, dumb, and blind. Brian has always had that effect on me.

“Nice to see you, Justin. Come in and make yourself comfortable. Would you like some coffee?” Alex asks me. I nod while making my way to the sofa. As he selects one of the many K-cups and begins the brew, he asks, “So how did it go last night?”

“It went okay.”

“Just okay?”

“Well, it was better than I expected.”

“And just how did you expect things to go?”

“Honestly, south. I mean, I had just handed his best friend his ass in front of everyone. The Brian I’ve always known would have had a mountain of ‘Fuck You’ attitude for me to climb over.”

He brings both his cup and mine over to the seating area, and places them down. “So what does that mean to you exactly?”

“I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do. Think about what you felt when Brian declared that he would stand by you. What did you feel then?”

I closed my eyes while sipping the hot beverage, giving myself the time to collect all of the thoughts swirling through my head. How did I feel? That’s a tough one to answer without sounding smug. But what the hell... “I felt vindicated. I felt like maybe Brian was finally telling the truth.”

“The truth about what?”

“That he was done being Michael’s puppet; that he was done being my judge, jury, and executioner. That maybe, just maybe, he finally understood what it was like to the be the partner of Michael Novotny’s best friend. Does that make sense?”

Alex smiled at me. “Sure it does. It hasn’t been easy for you since night one. And honestly, that could be a good thing in your case.” As I started to protest, he held up his hand. “Hear me out, Justin. Things haven’t necessarily ever come hard for you before you met Brian Kinney. In fact, most things came easily. Not without a price, but easily just the same. Your parents took care to make sure that all of your immediate needs were met and provided you with a state-of-the-art education. You made friends, or acquaintances, easily, prior to your coming out. And even then, you still had the support of many of your fellow students. With Brian, beyond your initial meeting and subsequent fucking, you’ve had to fight every single threat- real or perceived- to be with him. So my question is: what about Brian made you want to? What was it about Brian that made him your ultimate addiction?”

I was silent for a few moments, thinking back to that time. “I stepped onto the Avenue that night looking to get laid. I got hit on by a lot of guys. From Drag Queens, to Sugar Daddies, to those who would make you think they were one of those dirty old men willing to lock a young boy like me in a basement and then off me… I mean it was a very eye-opening experience. Originally, when I stopped under the streetlight, I was just about ready to call Daphne to come pick me up. I mean, it just didn’t seem like it was in the cards for me that night. So when I feel eyes scrutinizing me from across the parking lot, and they belonged to a truly beautiful man, I was hooked.

"Physically, to me, and apparently a lot of others, based on his tricking track record, Brian is perfect. His bone structure alone was something I couldn’t wait to sketch out. But strangely, he was the only one out of all the men who hit on me, that I felt completely safe with. That’s what attracted me first, but then we got to talking after sex, where he was giving me some hardcore and uncensored life lessons about what I had done that night. He was right that he could’ve been a mass murderer or something and I had put myself in a vulnerable place. I won’t lie and say that I wasn’t also aroused by the danger and excitement of it all. The fact that he was not only scolding me, but also teaching me how to navigate the waters of the brave new world I had entered, spoke volumes to me about his character. It also told me that he cared. That was when my heart decided to love Brian.”  

“So what is your heart deciding now?”

“Well, I’m here, so I guess it has decided that it’s worth it to either try to work it out or to know for sure that our relationship can’t be.”

“What do you want out of this?”

“To know myself and my own needs again. It feels like I’ve spent so many years putting Brian’s wants and needs above my own that somehow they have become one entity. What happened with Michael yesterday felt a little like I was rediscovering myself again.”

“No, that was just about business.”

“Not all of it. For a long time, I’ve fought against Michael, not giving him an out or a way to say ‘I didn’t mean it the way it sounded’, when he really did. For years, I fought against the idea of what Michael represented, against the thoughts and verbalizations that Michael would always be more important to Brian than I am. But somewhere along the way, I stopped believing it. That is what I got back yesterday… the belief that Brian and I are more than just the business, more than just fuckbuddies with an entwined life, that…”

“What? What is it that you want to say, but don’t, Justin?”

I swallowed hard, knowing that the one thought Brian would hate me for having is the one thought that needed to be exorcised for good. “That Brian didn’t make the biggest mistake of his life by saving mine the night of the prom. And wouldn’t Michael just love to hear that I have the same dark thoughts in my head from time to time which he has no trouble spewing from his mouth as often as he dares. Until yesterday, only Brian and I knew that he’d said it before.”

“You? You knew about him saying that? How?”

“Because although I’ve never told anyone, Michael’s said it to me one more than one occasion. And when he hasn’t voiced it aloud, his looks have.”

“Why didn’t you say something before?”

I huffed a small humorless laugh. “Because then I would have to admit that it bothered me. I wasn’t going to give Michael the satisfaction of knowing that he voiced what I sometimes thought; he would only use the knowledge to torment me further. Or knowing Michael as I do, he would have encouraged me to give in to them. No. Instead I would just smile and tell him that ‘Today along with so many others is just fated to remain unlucky for you, because I’m not going anywhere’ and he would do what he always does. He’d run to Brian with selective facts about the whole situation and demand that I be put in my place. And you know what, I was in for another episode of the Brian and Mikey Show.”

“But Justin, I’m sure if you defended yourself…”

“For what? Brian should have known me better than to believe the shit Michael spewed.”

“So you expected him to be a mind reader?”

“No. Just to know ME,” I tell Alex, emphasizing the last word. “He should have known me, the man sharing his life; the man sharing his bed on a regular basis more than his best friend.”

“I’m not sure I follow.”

“I gave Brian everything of myself that first year. Along with sex, I gave Brian intimacy, whether he wanted it or not. There was only one thing I kept from him…”

“The situation with Kip?”

“Yes, because I didn’t want him to know and think he owed me, like he so often heard from everyone else. I didn’t do it for that reason, or so that he would stay with me. I did it because I loved him. It was that simple.”

“And how exactly did Ethan happen? It’s always something that really bothered me.”

“You want the long version or the short and not-so-sweet answer?”

“It’s your hour, so pick one.”

“Ethan started off as a friend. I had no intention of crossing the line into an affair. I basically adopted Brian’s rule of not fucking your friends, and was happy with that. But then little things that used to not bother me too much about Brian and I started to get to me. Instead of telling me what was going on with him, he told Michael. Michael called and Brian was out the door. Meanwhile, I was emotionally faltering in every area of my life. I was having trouble at school, but I didn’t tell Brian. I was still having nightmares about the bashing, and although Brian knew, I felt like a burden to Brian. It didn’t help that Ethan was whispering sweet nothings in my ear every chance he got until I would tell him that nothing would come of it and he’d stop.

"But the final straw; it wasn’t the Chicago trip when I took off to Vermont for what was supposed to be our first time away. No, it was the night I had planned a picnic on the floor for us. I got the idea from Ethan, thinking it was a good way to get the intimacy back between me and Brian. After the whole birthday bullshit, I had started to feel like the live-in callboy Michael kept calling me, so I decided it was time to get the closeness back into our non-relationship. Only Ben was in the hospital at the time and I didn’t know. I didn’t know that Brian had spent most of the day at the hospital instead of all day at work. I just knew that when I offered myself to Brian- for that is what the picnic on the floor represented to me- he pushed me away in favor of a night at Babylon. So I left him to his preparations and went to the one person who wanted to know me. I didn’t intend on having sex with Ethan that night, but I did. It was the one and only night I almost let someone else top me; I just needed to be taken care of in that moment. But when the sex was over, I got up wholly unsatisfied and confused.”

“Confused about what?”

“Everything. What was I to Brian. I knew what I thought I was, but there I was, acting like the whore Michael repeatedly called me. Why couldn’t Brian love me the way I needed him to? Yet there he was, working to take care of me from providing a roof over my head to paying for my school, while I was providing what in return? A warm, willing body and minimal confrontation? A maximum amount of pleasure with a minimum of bullshit? After that night, I checked out emotionally, or at least I thought I did, until Brian listened to Michael about what he thought Ethan was to me. So when the Rage party happened, instead of telling Brian how I felt about seeing him with Rage, I left with Ethan. Strangely, Ethan became my break from my reality with Brian, which sucked at that point.”

“But you were willing to stay, knowing you didn’t love him?”

“I won’t sit here and blow smoke up your ass by lying. I loved the idea of Ethan. He was giving me what I thought I needed from Brian at the time. He only put me second to his craft, but as soon as he asked that I hide who he and I were, that’s where the fantasy ended for me. I’d almost died because I refused to do that, and here I was stuck with someone I could no longer respect simply because he claimed to love me. Brian may never have said the words, but I knew right then that not only did he love me, but he was also proud of me. I wish I had seen that truth before everything went to shit between us the first time. But as Brian told me, I was young and inexperienced. But what he doesn’t know is that I was also punishing myself. In my warped way of thinking, after I laid with Ethan the first time, I didn’t deserve Brian. Self-sabotage is like a drug addiction- easy as hell to fall into; hard as fuck to stop doing it.”

“So basically, Michael was voicing everything you were thinking and wondering about yourself at the time and you broke?”

“Yes. I felt broken, so I broke for real. I felt emotionally bankrupt so I left the person who I kept draining and found a new source for a time. At least, that’s the way it was in my mind.”

“You don’t think that what you were feeling at the time was misplaced guilt and anger?”

“I know now that it was, but at the time, no. As Brian was blaming himself, I was blaming me. I was invading his life where I was so clearly not wanted. So I went to the person who wanted me, while constantly thinking of the one who didn’t. What does that make me?”

“Human.”

IN or OUT: BOOK II: CHAPTER FOUR: PLAYING FOOL TO CATCH WISE Part 2

BEN:

I walked into Barry’s office ready for just about anything. What I was not prepared for was the thunderous look upon his face even as he handed me a cup of Lemon Ginger Green Tea.

“Uh… good morning?” I spoke in uncertainty, as he went back to the desk, gathering a thick sheaf of papers along the way.

“Depends on how you look at it, Ben. On the one hand, I was not looking forward to dealing with Michael first thing this morning. However, the tersely worded reason for his absence from our session leaves a lot to be desired, especially when it includes a petulantly-given ultimatum.” He hands me the note in Michael’s chicken scratch writing.

Dear Pseudo-Doc,

Until you figure out that I should be treated as an equal to Boy Wonder in ALL things, including my access to MY BEST FRIEND, there is no need to even speak to me, during sessions or outside of them. Any questions or concerns, address them with Ben, since he knows that this is what was also required of HIM throughout our marriage.

Signed,

Mr. Michael Novotny-BRUCKNER

Reading and rereading Michael’s handwritten temper tantrum once again drove home the thoughts that had been swirling through my head for many weeks now. I keep wondering where I went wrong. Why wasn’t I enough? Outside of my teaching responsibilities- and maybe even because of them- Michael had all of my attention. I gave him everything… EVERYTHING of myself, but still he chases after Brian, the same way most religious people chase after the tenets of their deities. I chuckle to keep from crying at the truth of that thought.

“Have a seat and tell me what’s on your mind, Ben.”

I cross over to the couch, thinking how best to phrase what I’ve just come up with. It still amazes me that the root of all my insecurities and problems can be summed up in two words. “Justin Taylor.”

“Huh?” Barry looks at me, confused.

“Justin Taylor.  He’s at the base of all my problems with Michael.”

“Strange, but I would have thought you would have said that about Brian Kinney.”

“Most people would, except that Brian is the cause of the problem, not the root of it. Think about it. Michael would have absolutely no problem with Brian tricking. Even before I was a thought in his head, Brian was doing that. Hell, he even did it with me, although no one knew it at the time. But once Justin came along, every thought Michael ever had in terms of Brian was in some form or fashion related to getting Justin out of the picture. Sure, Justin was useful to Michael in terms of creating Rage, but as far as Michael was concerned, Justin could still do that away from Brian, and should be happy that Michael was willing to let him do it. Justin’s continued presence puts all of Michael’s theories and unrealistic expectations firmly out of reach. In turn, whatever his original plan- or more accurately, the timespan- he had for me to be in his life didn’t have the effects he thought it would.”

“Ah, you’re thinking of the whole David Cameron situation, are you not?”

“Exactly that. It’s funny, originally I had the impression that he was this controlling asshole, a father-figure type that wanted to crush Michael’s spirit; someone who wanted to create his own live Ken doll, without an original thought in his mind. Now I see it much differently. I fulfilled the role of Ken.”

“Why do you believe that?”

“I allowed Michael to use me for his own financial stability and emotional well-being, while he steadily worked on his goal of eventually either being Mrs. Brian Kinney, or the best friend of the Stud of Liberty Avenue. Either scenario would have planted Michael firmly by Brian’s side, as he was prior to the advent of Justin Taylor in their lives. I wasn’t around from night one of their meeting, but have been told the story of ‘The Trick That Really Wasn’t’, from numerous points of view. Of course, Michael tells it far differently from Ted and Emmett, who were also there at that chance meeting under a streetlight. Brian may have looked at Justin as a one night stand at the time, but I believe that somewhere between them ending up at the loft and going to the hospital, even then, something was changing within Brian. I can tell you from personal experience, that beyond sex, Brian Kinney is never so solicitous with people he just deems as mere tricks.”

“So in essence, you’re thinking that if Justin wasn’t around- or more accurately, if he’d stayed gone after the Ethan episode- Michael would have been content with that?”

“Yes. He would still have been able to still live vicariously through the tricks Brian had nightly, and within the fantasies that he’s carried around with him since his teenage years. Justin’s presence doesn’t allow him to do that. I can’t figure out when I became so fucking weak-willed as to allow someone sharing my life to treat me as if I’m not enough. Even Paul, who infected me before he died, didn’t treat me so callously, nor did I allow him to. So why did I let Michael, even after he told me he had sexual feelings for Brian?”

“I can’t answer that for you. But I can tell you that Maya Angelou was right in that we teach people how to treat us. Honestly, it’s the one thing I never got about you and Michael. You were successful in your career and were supporting him, yet he treated you as one would dirty dishwater. I’m not talking about just in public, but apparently in private, too. He treated you as if you were disposable at any time. Let me ask you this… why Michael in the first place? Perhaps if you can answer that and we build from there, maybe you’ll see where you went wrong in terms of treating yourself. You performed the worst form of self-abuse on yourself and I just can’t figure out why, so let’s start at the beginning. What were you thinking when you met Michael.”

“What every man thinks when they see him, I suppose. I thought he was adorable in all his comic book geekiness. He just somehow came alive when he was talking about them. So much so that I wanted him to just keep talking. He was so animated and enthusiastic; it was infectious… and I began to want to get to know him.”

“What did his comic book geekiness represent to you?”

“I’m not sure I follow…”

“Well, how were geeks of any kind treated when you were in school? You and Michael aren’t that far apart in age. I would say about five years at the most, so I don’t imagine there was the ‘anti-bullying regulations’ that are set up a lot more frequently in today’s school setting, correct?”

“That’s true. We were bullied. Yes, I ran track and worked out religiously, but at base, I was still considered a geek outside of track season. So I’ve had my fair share of shit done to me by fellow students, but not so much that I would have endured daily beatings, or things like Justin endured his senior year just for being gay.”

“Do you think Michael would have?”

I had to think about that for a minute. “Yes, I do. If Brian wasn’t there to protect him, there isn’t a doubt in my mind that Michael would have still been trying to flush the ingestion of toilet water out of his system.”

Barry snickered. “Interesting point of view there. So again, I have to ask what it was about Michael that first attracted you on deeper level?”

It finally dawned on me what he was really asking. “That protective gene reared its head, which if I’m honest, was kind of weird for me. In my former relationship, with Paul, although I was very vocal, I let him take the lead in a lot of situations. Paul was much more Type A about everything than I was, so it kept arguments between him and I to a minimum. By the time I’d met Michael, I was leading my life with a pretty firm hand and wasn’t willing to easily hand over the reins to anyone else. I don’t know if it was because of the distrust in people I was working hard to expel due to Paul’s infidelity, or if it was just my natural tendency to take care of things coming to the forefront. All I knew was, that I wanted Michael. I wanted to get to know him, to protect him and make him happy, if he would give me the chance to.”

“So when did you start feeling that you had to be different in order to be with him? And why?”

I shake my head, realizing that it was almost at the beginning. “It was when I told him about me being positive. At first, when he left after I told him, I thought well, he wasn’t the type with staying power, so no harm done… or at least, that’s what I told myself. Honestly, it hurt like hell that he didn’t want to get to know me beyond the virus I carry. I was seriously considering giving the POS-Men group a try. My friends had told me about it and that they had found partners who were in the same predicament we were; they said it made it easier for them to find real love despite their shortened life spans. So when Michael started pursuing me, I was not going to give him another chance. But then he started doing these really cutesy things that made me feel warm inside, in spite of myself.”

“Michael Novotny and cutesy, in the same context? Well that’s a first for me! But please continue.”

I snickered at Barry’s puzzled expression. “He followed me to a pick-up basketball game that a bunch of the other teachers at the college participate in twice a week. He grabbed the ball, bouncing it in such a way where even five-year olds would have been looking at him strangely, and he wouldn’t give it back until I agreed to another date with him. He asked me to meet him at Woodys for Karaoke night. At first, I wasn’t thrilled that his friends were in attendance and I told him so. I was about to leave, when he got up on stage and started singing- horribly, I might add- an old Michael Jackson song. Even though it was a song about Michael Jackson’s rat, it was still touching because it had our two names associated with the song. I know it’s corny in a sense, but it was also really sweet.”

“So you decided to give him another chance.”

“Yeah, I did.”

“Do you regret it?”

“Knowing what I know now, yes. In retrospect, it seemed a fitting punishment for not only getting involved with someone who couldn’t love only me, but for trusting Paul. But back then, no I didn’t. I thought any man willing to embarass himself just for the chance to really get to know me couldn’t be half bad. Passing Debbie’s muster was tough, but once I did, I felt the rocky start to the story of ‘Michael and Ben’ was all worth it.”

“When did it stop feeling worth it?”

“When I started to feel as if I owed him for just being in his presence.”

“When did that start?”

“Oddly enough, most would think that it started after the steroid use, but in reality, it started after Michael found out that Brian and I had met several years prior at a White Party. He began to treat it as if Brian and I had an affair, when in reality the last thing Brian was thinking about was Michael’s ‘future’, and I didn’t even know who he was. Michael blew the entire situation out of proportion. I never did really figure out why though. I remember asking him if it was because I was fucked by Brian and he wasn’t; he never answered. Which leads me back to the problem of Justin, since he’s gotten far more than I ever did from Brian. But he should have since they are actual husbands. That’s one fact still hard to fucking believe even if I am happy for them. I wonder if that’s what Michael’s real problem is.”

“The LDP itself or that Brian gives Justin the parts of himself that Michael has never gotten? Either way, both scenarios are possible especially since Brian and Justin have taken the ultimate step to join their lives in a way none of you others have. But then, from Justin’s point of view, it could also be said that Michael has gotten a part of Brian Taylor-Kinney that Justin didn’t have or hasn’t received yet which keeps that friendship bound together so tightly that they are each possibly going to lose their marriage. At least, that’s the way it’s looking right now. So it brings the one question I have for you now. If there was one thing you would change in your entire relationship with Michael, what would it be?”

“That I wouldn’t have lied to spare his feelings.”

“Lied?”

“Yes. I lied to him and to myself. I told him that it didn’t bother me that he loved Brian, but I didn’t mean it in the way he’s so obviously taken it. And a lie by omission is still a lie dressed up as a covert truth; just as an excuse is a lie dressed up with a pretty bow to make sense. The truth is that I have felt more valued as a placeholder and a walking checkbook than I ever have as a husband throughout our so-called marriage. I’ve made excuses for the way he is, without admitting that it’s my fault for not being completely honest with him.”

“Not Debbie’s?”

“Sure, she bears a majority of the blame. But while Michael was trying to become like me, he ended up chastising and castigating the others for their life choices. That’s particularly true in terms of Brian, Ted, and Emmett’s choices for life partners. I guess maybe he thought if he could project the image of emotional maturity, no one would see the rotten, emotionally-stunted child beneath the facade. Except that over the years, that mask has been cracking more and more with every sentence he’s uttered in reference to his friends. While they are all moving on and away from the binds and habits of their former reputations, it’s becoming more and more evident that Michael is being left behind. I think that was the main purpose of ‘partner-free week’.”

“Speaking of which…” Barry pulls the sheaf of papers closer to him before regarding me again. “I’m not sure if you are aware of what Justin said, in terms of leaving messages for Brian, just as Blake and Drew had left messages for Ted and Em. This is the proof that Justin was telling the absolute truth of the situation.”

“What do you mean? I mean, I knew the guys left behind were calling Brian, Ted, and Emmett but did something else happen?”

“Yes. This the proof of the messages, but when checked against each of the three men’s phones, there were no messages.”  

Oh fucking hell!

THE WIFE or THE MISTRESS: BOOK II: CHAPTER FOUR: PLAYING FOOL TO CATCH WISE Part 3

BLAKE:

I arrive at the place where Bernard told me to meet him. Strangely, the last place I expected it to be was in the main building in one of the Presidential suites overlooking the vast ocean beyond. The attendant at the front desk handed me the room key and told me to make myself comfortable; that Dr. Fisher would be joining me shortly. That was the first time I’d ever heard him referred to by his official title. I suppose he’d advised the staff to address him that way so there would be no misconceptions or preconceived notions as to why I’m meeting the man in an out-of-the-way hotel room. Sure, there are a few singles at the resort, but I suppose this is his way of making sure I’m not considered one of them. For that, I’m grateful.

As I wander aimlessly around the room, I think back to Ted and I last night. Although there was the easy familiarity we’ve always known, there was still none of the ease. He gave me an opportunity to grieve in my own way about the only man who had been more of a father to me than my own. I told Ted honestly that I can’t see my way clear without Gramps around, and how knowing that he left me part of his legacy confuses me even more. Diane knows every portion of the business, inside and out, while I’m feeling like a fish out of water. Ted just did what he always does. He spoke encouragement into me while holding me close as we sat on the beach outside our villa. It’s going to be a bit challenging to go from Blake Wyzecki- ex-Crystal Queen to Blake Wyzecki- business man. It certainly puts my understanding of Justin into a different perspective, since he had to do the same type of transition, minus the whole stint in rehab bit.

“Good morning, Blake. Sorry I’m late. Have you had breakfast yet?” Bernard comes in, followed by a waiter.

“No, I haven’t. I was a bit too nervous to eat this morning.”

He nods as if he understands the jumbled thoughts running through my head. “Well, let’s sit down and have a bite. I know this is a little unorthodox, but I’m hungry and hate to eat alone. So cop a squat. Raoul, can you pour a cup of coffee for both Blake and I?”

“Right away, Dr. Fisher,” the young waiter answers as he finishes uncovering the various dishes.

“Jesus, Bernard! How many people do you intend on feeding?” I ask, looking at the enormous quantity of food. It kind of reminds me of dinner at Deb’s.

“Well, I was told that you have an appetite similar to Justin’s, and I wasn’t sure of what you might want.”

“So you expected me not to be able to turn down food?” I smile at him.

“Let’s just say, I was hopeful. Otherwise I would have looked like an overstuffed chipmunk by the time our session finished. I must be honest and tell you that food is one of my few vices that I’m not willing to give up.”

“What are the others?”

“If you’re good, I may tell you someday. But today, we’re here to talk about you and yours.” He turns to the waiter. “Thanks, Raoul. We’ll serve ourselves.”

I nod my thanks as well, while crossing over from the windows to the table. “Do you…”

“What?” Bernard asks when I hesitate. “Ah, I see. Would you rather we took advantage of the terrace?”

I drop my eyes before answering. “I wasn’t sure if it would be allowed, but yes please. I think the fresh air will do me some good.”

“I don’t mind, but Blake, never ever be afraid to ask for the things you want or need, okay? This is a free forum atmosphere, so speak when you must. Although I know a lot about you, and am devilishly handsome, I am not nor have I ever been a mind-reader.”

“Really? But you’re so modest,” I tease back.

“Yes, well we all have our limitations. I’ll leave being one with the Creator and the science of the Sixth Sense to Mysterious Marilyn, thank you very much.”

I laughed as we got our food and took our seats. “So why here?”

“Here as in the island, or here as in the main building? You have to be more specific.”

“I guess I would like an answer to both.”

He put his fork and knife down to look me square in the eye. “First things first, Blake. I like to treat sessions as if it’s just two friends getting together to talk. As I can see, you’re already overthinking what you will say and what you won’t say. When that happens, we’re never able to really get our issues resolved. I say we because as humans we’re taught to filter everything, including our words, deeds and emotions. In this case, it hasn’t been a healthy practice for you and Ted.”

“If what you say is true, then why hasn’t Michael learned the same?” I ask bitterly, and suddenly feel bad that I voiced the question.

“Don’t you dare apologize for feeling the way you do. All feelings are valid, even if they are misperceived at the time. However, you aren’t exactly wrong in this case. Michael has been taught, but mostly he lives within the Id section of his mind.”

“The Id? I remember reading about that while I was in college.”

“Then you understand what it’s function is. It’s what caused you to desire drugs and other things that were not necessarily good for you, but in the moment, it met a physical need. It’s based on the pleasure principle for a reason. In Michael’s case, his ego, which has a definitive sense of right and wrong as we all do and seeks to appease the Id in long-term ways, takes a back seat to his desire for immediate gratification.”

“So you’re saying that his perception is off, or that his reason and common sense isn’t functioning?”

“No. I’m saying that he ignores it when it doesn’t coincide with what he wants. Think of a child throwing a temper tantrum because they are denied something. They will engage in that behavior so much and so long that the parent- or authority figure- will just give it to them for a modicum of peace. You are all guilty of giving Michael what he wants so much that now that he’s not getting it, he’s looking for other, more destructive ways to appease his Id. And all in his efforts to keep his drug of choice near and dear to him.”

“You mean Brian?”

“No. I mean attention.” I know the confusion within my head is plainly written on my face as he elaborates. “Think about it, Blake. Michael has always had attention. First, it came in the form of his mother, who thought and still thinks that Michael needs to be compensated because his father wasn’t around. Then there was Brian, who Debbie charged with protecting and caring for Michael in exchange for providing a peaceful environment when his own homelife was in constant turmoil. Then there was Emmett, who Michael befriended and who needed to know about Pittsburgh life. Then there was Ted, who fed Michael’s own self-esteem issues. If you think about it, their whole existence in some way was designed to cater to Michael’s needs, wants, and desires. Then the appearance of the first two members of the triad of Anti-Michaels happened.”

“The triad of Anti-Michaels?”

“Indeed. First there was Justin, and then there was you.”

“But there has never been a time that we fit into the Michael Novotny Appreciation Society.”

“Exactly. You and Justin are so different from Michael that all his faults became glaringly obvious. So what would a tantruming child do when his attention-seeking behaviors regarding anything he considered his were no longer having the desired effect or giving him pleasure?”

“He’d seek out to destroy whomever or whatever was the causing him to be ignored and try to regain their attention by having an even more volatile tantrum.”

“And there you have the reason for why Michael acts the way he does. It comes from knowing how to push the buttons of those around him. But sadly, it didn’t stop there, because he also used another person in his quest to be paid attention to.”

“Ben.”

“Yes. He knows what he’s doing even though he tries to pretend otherwise. Originally it was supposed to be David, and that worked for a while. But like any other time when a shiny new toy begins to tarnish, what happens but the child looks for another trinket to attract attention.”

“So basically you’re saying that all the problems Michael caused and is still causing are laid at the door of Justin, Drew, and me? Whatever happened to taking responsibility for one’s own actions?” I know I just raised my voice at him, but I can’t help it.

“No, I’m not saying that at all. However, I am saying that when you, Justin, and Drew decided not to push him back into his own corner, it gave license to Michael to continue doing what he’s been doing for years. These latest results- the dissention between his friends and their life partners- is the direct result of Michael’s Id finally seeing victory.”

Well that just about knocked me on my ass! “Michael has only been succeeding because we stopped fighting? Shit! I almost lost Ted because I let that little fucker have the upper hand?!”

“Calm down, Blake, because now that you are armed with the information, you have a decision to make.”

“What do you mean?”

“You have to make the decision to be completely honest with Ted now. Remember what I’ve said about this being a free forum. Well, part of the reason we’ve gotten you all out of Pittsburgh was so that you wouldn’t have to carry the emotional luggage back home when you leave here. Consider this the neutral territory, that Pittsburgh with its many occupants, especially Michael and Debbie Novotny, are not.”

“But Michael is here, and I know he’s bound to start some bullshit.”

“He is, and yes he will, but what are you going to do about it? You can't drown him or control him, but you can limit his influence in some definitive ways. I will tell you this though… the time for passive, quiet Blake is long past. You’re going to have to talk to Ted, even if what you say is going to hurt him and vice versa. Either you want to save this marriage, or you don’t. But give him all the facts and see what he does with them.”

I chuckle. “You know Drew told me the same thing. ‘Give Ted all the facts and see what he does with them.’ What if the facts hurt too deep to voice?”

“Do it anyway, because in the end, it will save you.”

“How did you…”

“Know? You’re not the only recovering addict I know. Furthermore, you aren’t the only recovering addict in this room. It takes one to know one, Blake.”

“But how were you able to hold onto your license?”

“That’s the easy part; I never got caught. The hardest part was for me to admit that I had a problem; even to myself. Once I did, I sought treatment away from prying eyes. I took a year’s sabbatical from work. A lot of people think that functioning addicts have the easier time getting clean and sober, when the opposite is true. I may have a drink now and then, but no more than two in a night. It took me a while to be able to handle it again after my addiction to coke.”

“How long?”

“I’ve been clean now for twelve years. My anniversary just passed.”

“Congratulations,” I say sincerely. Looking at Bernard, all one sees is success, not recovering addict. It’s what I’ve always been afraid that people see me as. “So how do I get out of this rut that I’m in?”

“Make conscious decisions for one thing. You can’t expect Ted to do all the heavy lifting and fight for you if you aren’t willing to fight with him and for yourself. He can’t do that with only minimum information. Michael thrives in secrets. Don't give him a chance to expose yours.”

TED

Bernard told me that he would start my sessions tomorrow; that he needed to speak to Blake. I can respect the fact that he came to tell me himself instead of just sending an email. So while Blake is busy, I decided to get some work done and headed over to the conference room that was set up for us to use.

I was just settling in and opening the computerized ledger when Brian comes in. At first, he doesn’t say anything, just flops down in a chair with a stack of papers in his hand. I wonder what happened between him and Justin that has him so pissed, and am barely able to stop the temptation to ask him. But it isn’t my business, and I acknowledge that. So I’m surprised when he actually addresses me.

“Did Blake tell you?”

“Pardon?”

“Did Blake ever tell you?”

“Tell me what exactly?”

“About the messages and emails he sent.”

I pick up my coffee and take a sip as I search my memory for conversations relating to what Brian is talking about. After coming up with nothing, I comment. “Brian, I’m not sure what you’re talking about, but then Blake and I haven’t been speaking much since our ill-advised  sojourn to P-Town. What’s this about?”

“Justin was telling the truth,” he says, as he lays the stack of papers in front of me.

“About?”

“Take a look at the stack, Ted.”

The desperation in his voice and the fact that he shortened my name brought me up short. Sure Brian called me ‘Ted’ sometimes, but never really in reference to business or in business settings. I put aside the tangible ledger and shut the computerized version down in order to give what Brian wants me to look at my full attention. As I look through the stack, I find myself getting angrier and angrier, as pages and pages of notes and missed calls to Brian’s phone were revealed. I’m going to fucking kill Michael!  

FIRE AND ICE: BOOK II: PLAYING FOOL TO CATCH WISE Part 4

EMMETT:

Is it sad that I almost regret having my phone back right now? When Duke handed me and Drew our phones back just before dinner last night, I was already going through GGW better known as Gossip Goddess withdrawal. Hey don’t judge me for naming my cell phone, since I’m sure y’all have some thangs y’all have named too, ie: toys that have absolutely NOTHING to do with Barbie or G.I. Joe. Just saying, though… Anyway, when I got GG back, I had five business calls from Darren, which I still have to return this morning. But the most troublesome were the other calls. Wouldn’t you know that Little Lord Fuckup called me 43 times, and filled my damn voicemail up so much that neither Darren nor my VIP clients could leave me a direct message. It pissed me off so much that Drewsie had to grab me before I went looking for that pest with a size 12 can of Raid, known as my left foot! The only thing that saved him was Drew’s reminder that we have no idea where on this island he is.

So now my cell phone is ringing again, but on the one hand I’m thankful that it isn’t Michael again. Only it’s worse… because it’s Debbie. I’m standing here debating the wisdom of not answering it, knowing good and hell well that I haven’t cleared any of Michael’s litany off of the vm as of yet. But knowing that the mailbox is full will just have her calling back constantly until I DO answer. I close my eyes as the phone stops ringing only to start up again. I want to turn it off, but I can’t in case Darren calls again before I have a chance to return his numerous calls. As I make up my mind to do what I really don’t want to do at all, I reach GG, only to have her snatched out of my hands.

Drew looks at the offending silver object with its glitter rainbow-colored case, seeing who is displayed on the caller ID. By the time he gets ready to push the ‘talk’ button, the call has gone to the voicemail again. But the peace and quiet is short-lived as Patti LaBelle belts out ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’ through the phone speaker again. He knows that it’s Deb’s personal ringtone, which makes his scowl deepen further. Before I have a chance to advise against it, Drew presses the button, to place the phone on speaker. Which turns out to be a very wise move since she’s screeching on the other end of the phone to the tops of her ample lungs. Based on the things she’s saying, I don’t even think she’s registered that she’s not getting my voicemail, but us, live and in living color.

“I can’t believe this shit! Justin thinks he can just treat my baby like this and expect that I won’t have anything to say about it?! And just you wait until I get ahold of that ASSHOLE and the other two chicken-foot bastards! They think that they can just toss my Michael aside for their boytoys! No way, NO FUCKING WAY! They owe us… all of them! They owe it to Michael for all he’s done for them. When Emmett was high and homeless, Michael took him in! Even when his supplier pimp came looking for him at Michael’s apartment, and threatened his life if he didn’t come back, it was Michael that called the police! Then that fucking Ted, and his drug-addicted ass! He’s really changed since he started working for that asshole. Gone are the days when he was a staid but loyal pencil-pusher. But now that he’s gotten a little position, he thinks he can shit all over my son and the support we gave him? NO SIREE!!! This is NOT going to happen; not on MY watch! And let’s not even talk about King Dick himself! All those fucking nights I had to clean him up; all those fucking meals I had to prepare for him because of his bastard parents… He had ONE FUCKING JOB- just ONE- and that was to take care of Michael! And now he thinks he can just ditch him because of Justin?! Oh HELL NO! He owes Michael! He owes him for all the times he’s lent Brian money, or when he’s driven him home when he was too high to drive himself… HE OWES HIM DAMMIT!! And he, along with the rest of them, owe me a fucking explanation! I’ll not stop calling all of those turncoat assholes until somebody explains to me just what the fuck they think they are doing! And I won’t even get started on Ben! He owes more than that! He forgets that he took vows to my son- vows that I allowed against my own better judgment! He’d better get…”

“Will you SHUT THE FUCK UP?!!” A voice that sounds remarkably like Diane yells back. “Nobody owes you a fucking thing! They all have lives, while the blood-sucking scum known as your bastard son is trying his best to steal them. And for what? So his intelligence-challenged ass doesn’t get left behind?! So he can have a free ride through life at the expense of everyone else, except you? Wait. Let me guess! You feel that you’ve done your duty by your brat so now it’s his friends’ job to pick up where you left off so you can have a break from the thinks-he’s-entitled Spawn of Satan you raised? Well lady, buy a fucking clue… or better yet, I’ll give you one for fucking free. NOBODY is going to cater to that spoiled, malevolent, whiny, lazy, loud-mouth, inconsiderate, waste of a mediocre fuck that you pushed out of your twat! Raise him yourself! My brothers don’t have time to do your fucking job for you!”

“Who the fuck do you think you are?”

“The first answer that you need to know is I’m Blake’s sister. The second is that I’m the new owner of this place, and your new boss. Although I think we’re about a second closer to making that your ex-boss, especially if you don’t put that fucking phone down and stop harassing my brothers-from-other-mothers and get your tyrannical ass back to work! It’s a new day around here, Ms. Novotny, and unless that domineering doofus you call a son can afford to take care of you, I would suggest you start doing the job I’ll be paying you for.”

“My sons would never….”

“Son, Ms. Novotny. You only have ONE son. And I’m sure the others will not mind me speaking for them when I tell you that the reign of Novotny terror is OVER. Unlike before, they have family now, and a wonderful mother figure in Jennifer Taylor, whom I met just this morning. They no longer need you and your brand of you-will-owe-me-FOREVER bullshit, and they certainly don’t have to clean up the shit that ignoramus you birthed brought on himself. After the shit he said to and about Justin, it’s a wonder his ass isn’t lying somewhere in a pine box!”

“What the hell are you talking about?!”

I know that I have to keep her from telling Deb what Michael said. It would probably just kill her to know that Michael could be so vicious… “Diane, don’t!”

“Oh my God, Emmett is that you?” Deb screeches again. “It’s about fucking time you answer the damn phone! Now about Michael…”

“Diane, tell her!” Drew orders and I know from the look on his face that there is nothing I can say or do to stop this from happening. I close my eyes, even as I feel Drewsie’s trembling fingers grip mine.

“No one is going to come to the rescue of the man who has wished Justin DEAD more times than you can imagine.”

“WHAT?! You’re lying! Michael would never…”

“It’s true, Deb,” Melanie chimes in. I didn’t even know that she was there.

“Melanie! What the hell are you doing here?! And why are you taking this lying bitch’s side?! Michael is your friend.”

Mel snickers in response before answering. “Michael Charles Novotny is only a friend to himself. To the rest of us, he’s just as fickle as you are about your wigs.”

“No, he’s not!”

“Yes, he is! Damn, I can’t believe that you still choose to wear those Michael-colored blinders when it comes to him. He’s got you snowed good. But to answer your question, I found out years after it happened just why Michael got punched in the eye by Brian at the party. Quite frankly, Michael got off easily for saying that Brian should have left him on the garage floor.”

“He didn’t,” Deb’s broken voice comes over the airwaves.

“He did, Deb. And since then he’s said it more than once. Face it! Michael has wanted Justin gone since the night he met Brian. He just made sure to act on his mean-spiritedness when none of the rest of us were around or could hear the maliciousness that pours from him as easily as he takes his next breath. It’s why Justin won’t do business with him anymore. But Michael cut off his nose to spite his face in the end, because Justin and Brian own all the copyrights associated to the artwork and advertising. Then to make matters a bit worse for Michael, Justin also owned the design elements that were featured on Red Cape Comics website, and within his legal rights, Justin has severed all ties that bound him to Michael in any way, shape, or form. Simply put, Michael fucked himself over in more ways than he ever bargained for, and there is nothing he can do about it.”

“Em, you have to talk to Justin. Tell him…”

“What would you have me tell him, Deb? We were all there, and Michael most assuredly meant every word. So no, I won’t be talking to Justin on Michael-the-Moochers’ behalf. As far as I’m concerned Michael deserved everything he got and so much more.”

Before she has a chance to argue further, I disconnect the call. Drew looks outright murderous right now, and I don’t blame him at all. He’s standing there fumbling with his phone, a look of angry concentration on his face. Before I can even ask what he's doing, he tells me:

“By tonight, everyone will know exactly what Debbie thinks of them and their roles within Michael’s life. You guys have no more reason to be willfully ignorant; no reason to be beholden to Michael and his Ma.”

There are times when freedom- or the idea of it- feels fucking amazing. You’re almost ready to run naked through the street in glee! But then there are times when freedom sucks. It’s usually because of a monumental shift, such as a breakup. Losing my second mother to her delusional son’s ideals makes THIS is one of those times.

BEFORE I LET GO: BOOK II: CHAPTER 5: THE FACTS OF LIFE EXPOSED

PITTSBURGH

MELANIE:

I wonder if hearing the truth has taken the wind out of Deb’s sails, but I highly doubt it. If Michael has learned anything from his mother, it’s willful blindness and persistence in their perceived truth. Looking at her now, sitting there rocking in hurt and anger, part of my heart goes out to her. Her illusion that her Michael could never be so cruel to another person has just been shattered into a million pieces, and publicly no less. I guess by putting the phone on speaker, she wanted to reassert her authority over, not only the guys, but over the entirety of Liberty Avenue. But clearly that is not the case, and from the murmurs of the diner’s patrons, it hasn’t been for a long time.

I would almost be shocked at this revelation, except that given distance and time, I saw exactly what Deb’s influence had done within my own life. It became apparent that it wasn’t only Em, Ted, and Brian who were expected to take care of Michael, but me and Lindsay, too. Or should I say more myself than Lindsay, because I was the one with the law degree, who would pull every string I had to get Michael out of trouble at Deb’s behest. Lindsay, on the other hand, would just coddle her to death and hold her hand, and whereas that’s useful in its own way, it still wouldn’t have covered her baby’s shit. That would have been my job.

“Melanie…”

“Don’t, Deb. I love you, but don’t ask me to deny what it is you’ve heard, even though you didn’t want to. It was all true, and there is so much more to the story.”

“But Michael… I didn’t raise him to be like that!”

“In intention, no you didn’t, but in theory you did.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?!”