F- ...BUT F*CK OFFS ARE THE BEST

BRIAN

Have I mentioned that my little Sunshine is a diabolical GENIUS?! I started to get concerned when he was taking so long in the office with Tony and was going to go back there, but Mel made me sit my ass right back down.

“Here, hold your son,” she ordered, unceremoniously placing Gus in my lap from his highchair where we put him to resume eating his lunch. “He NEEDS you; Justin does NOT.”

At first, I took umbrage at both her tone and words, until I realized just what she was telling me. I had to allow Justin to be the man I’ve always treated him as, and fight my natural inclination to fix everything. I think I’ve been dealing with Mikey, Lindz, and Deb for so long that I’m just used to people running to me for that reason. But Justin has always been different. 

At first, it was just the connection. And yes, I can admit it now that it’s why I was becoming bored with the game. Beyond a romp, there was no substance. A little less conversation became a way of life for many different reasons, the primary one being the inane chatter most of the tricks spouted. However, beyond the initial nervousness of my kitchen, Tylenol, cereal, and fucking Tomb Raider, I discovered that Justin actually had the ability to listen and conversate, as opposed to just responding for the sake of having something to say. Even before I fucked him the first time, we had a semi-deep conversation about my first foray into the world of gay sex.

Which is something that I never even dared to discuss in full with Mikey. I had never discussed the fear I’d felt within that moment with him, allowing the man who calls himself my best friend to glamorize the scene in any way he chose. It was just something about Justin that I felt I could be completely honest with him, and he wouldn’t look at me any differently for it. I suppose it was the fact that he was in a similar position with me at the time that made it easier to share the experience. But the thing that put me at ease the most was that he didn’t push for more answers; he just listened to what I said while hearing what I left unsaid when I stated that I didn’t remember anymore. 

It was a little unsettling, because for the first time ever, I’d come really close to telling someone of my reasons for accosting my gym teacher, who ultimately became my ticket out of the rut my parents were stuck in. Considering all the subsequent events that happened to Justin, I almost wish that I’d been able to warn him. And yet, I wouldn’t change what occurred that night, nor our individual growth to where we are now. I’ve never had to handle him with kid gloves, even after helping him to pick up the pieces of having his ideals shattered at the hands of his father. And in turn, he helped me remember that I still had some of my own, hidden beneath my hard-won reputation. 

Then it was that he wanted to learn how to become the best homosexual he could be from me, which when you think about it is kinda strange. Especially since he’s been teaching me how to reinvent myself since night one, even though he didn’t know it. No, I haven’t changed all that much on the surface. I still live my life according to my own rules for the most part. But I can see now that certain loyalties I had were holding me back from becoming who I want to be. 

For example, this job with DPAA is a chance I may never have taken had I not heard with my own ears just what Lindsay and Michael’s plans for me were. I might have just been content to keep working as a government mule without any return at Ryder after being denied my dream of New York. But now I’m a partner in a prestigious advertising firm, at thirty, the way I’d always dreamed of being. And the fact that I don’t have to give up anything to be so… Well, that’s nothing short of amazing to me. I will still have my son and most of my family’s unyielding support.

But most of all, I’ll still have Justin, and a real chance to see where all this leads. I hold no illusions that this is forever. The way my life has been set up so far, the idea of that just seems impossible. Plus, this is the first relationship for both of us, which involves actual… well more than pure unadulterated lust, in my case. So in this happily for now situation, I just have the feeling that not seeing it through, for however long it lasts, would be the real tragedy. 

I won’t even try to explain why I feel that way; just that it is what it is. Somehow what was supposed to only be a one-night stand, all came down to a mutual acceptance on both our parts. Acceptance of who we are, both together and separately. Acceptance that we change when and however we want to, and not based upon anyone else’s ideal or idea of who Justin and I should be. And a mutual respect of each other, enough that we tell each other the things that both validate and hurt so that we can ultimately become better men.

It’s something that neither of us has ever had with anyone else, and it’s definitely going to be worth every bit of this new journey we’re taking. 

“What are you thinking about over there with that smirk on your face?” Mel asks me, and I snicker at her imperious tone. 

Strangely, I want to tell Melanie the truth of everything, even if I can’t just yet. So I give her as much of an answer as I can without revealing all of my thoughts. “Just that I almost can’t wait to finish everything so that Justin and I can blow the pop stand of Pittsburgh.”

“I can understand that,” Mel answers and then sighs. “You will be good to and for him, Brian, won’t you?”

I almost frowned at the question, except that she has a genuine look of concern in her eyes. I’m suddenly reminded of the conversation Justin and I had in the car about the facets of his and Mel’s relationship that I didn’t know existed until a few days ago. “Why would you think I wouldn’t, Mel?”

She shakes her head. “It’s not that I think you will intentionally hurt him, Brian. It’s just… Well, he’s been through so much this past year as it is. And whereas Baby is one of the strongest, smartest, and bravest people either of us knows, he’s also fragile in some ways. I guess what I’m trying to ask is that you promise me to always be his friend, regardless of wherever this thing between you two leads. True, genuine friends are what Justin needs the most.”

“Sounds like you do, too.”

“Touche, Brian. And like it or not, so do you. I think Justin has fulfilled that need for you in spades so far. It’s something that’s always bothered me about your friendship with Michael and Lindsay.”

“How so?” I ask, honestly interested in hearing it from her perspective. I think this is one of the few times- not counting yesterday- that Mel has said anything to this same effect; it will be interesting to hear how she sees our collective pasts.

“I always wondered if I judged you unfairly…”

“Uh-uh, Mel. I own my shit, and I truly have been an asshole. Of course, there have been reasons for that…”

“I know, having heard Lindsay make excuses for you, even when they weren’t warranted. But in looking back on how your associations with them have gone until the very recent past, I have to wonder just why they would allow you to constantly put yourself in danger beyond your sexual proclivities. I mean, it’s almost like Michael lived just to see you so drunk and high that you would be just shy of an OD. He would be almost demonic about just having to take you home, then, would call Lindsay no matter the time of night to inform her… or more accurately, brag about it. I have to wonder what type of friends would glory in your attempts to basically kill yourself.”

“I wasn’t trying to kill myself, Mel…”

“Whereas that might be true, you sure as hell weren’t trying to save yourself either. And granted, you were still able to function on many levels, but that doesn’t mean that the very next drink, or hit, or trick wouldn’t have been the death of you.” Mel rolls her eyes at me before looking out of the window. “Don’t get me wrong, Brian; I’m not judging you. I understand your reasons for pushing those particular limits, even if I thought there was a better way for you to handle it all. I mean, the amount of stress and pressure you have placed upon yourself over the years to be the best in your professional and personal life alone was enough to kill lesser men. But then to feel like you had to live up to the unrealistic expectations of others, especially those considered your closest friends… Well, that’s why I’m actually judging them, and finding them sorely lacking in the friendship department.”

I drop my eyes to the table for a moment, before meeting hers again. “I needed them, Mel.”

“I know that, and worst of all, they knew that. And that’s what pisses me off about what they are doing the most. A true friend would have done everything in their power to help you succeed without all the shit you put your body through, not encouraged you in your self-destruction. I think that’s why Justin’s advent in our lives came at a really crucial time for each of us. I mean sure, at first, I was pissed that he involved himself in our business regarding Gus and the subject of parental rights. But then he came up with a solution that even I, as an attorney, didn’t consider viable. Not because I hadn’t known about the option, but because of my misplaced jealousy being fermented constantly.

"In all honesty, and although I can freely admit that the idea of an alternative family still appeals to me on many levels, it wasn’t just my jealousy of you that was being played with. But the fact that Lindsay was able to conceive and carry Gus, while I was advised that the chances of me ever having a child of my own could kill me. That fact wasn’t something that I could put into the same kind of perspective of the situation I have now. Gus wasn’t only a precious gift to me because of who he is, but because he fulfilled my only real chance to be a mother. But when your partner has done and is doing everything within her power to constantly disclude you from any decision concerning your son, it adds another layer of discontent to any situation.”

“Out of curiosity, is that why you cheated on Lindz with Maryanne?” I ask.

She nods at me. “That was a big part of the reason, actually. Maryanne said and did all the things that reminded me I had value as more than a live-in-lover and checkbook. That one night I spent with her, she took her time to remind me that I was a woman first and that it was okay for me to feel less than my best for a little while. I was allowed to grieve for what may never be, while not having to hear what an egotistical bitch I was because Lindsay was suffering postpartum. In short, Maryanne took care of me emotionally, Brian. Which is something Lindsay stopped doing long before we decided to have Gus.”

“So basically you agreed to have Gus to fix your relationship with Lindsay?”

“For my part, in a manner of speaking, yes. It’s why I really gave in to you being the father. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted a child and I’m glad that we have Gus. But at the time, we thought the way so many hetero couples do when their relationships are falling apart without rhyme or reason. And in my case, I looked at becoming a mother as a way to get the parenting mistakes my own parents made with me, right. On the surface, it seems selfish, but in my defense, I really believed that Lindsay and I were going to be together forever.”

“And now?”

“I know now that no matter what the outcome of this experiment with Lindsay turns out to be, she’s going to fall back into her old habits.”

“Old habits?”

“Of wishing for something- someone- I can’t be for her. The bottom line is that I’m not enough for Lindsay, and at last I’m beginning to realize it’s not my fault that I’m not. Whatever deficit there is between us rests with Lindsay, whether known or acknowledged on her part or not. And at the base, the only reason I’m staying put is because of the precious bundle beginning to fall asleep in your arms,” she tells me, smiling softly as Gus’ eyes drift shut. “I can’t leave him, Brian.”

“Mel, that reason sucks,” I respond sternly. “My parents- specifically my mother- made the decision to stay in a loveless marriage for which I paid the price repeatedly. The environment may not have turned hostile in your case yet, but it doesn’t make the situation any less toxic.”

Mel is saved from providing me with a rebuttal as Justin comes bounding up to the table. The excited look in his eyes has me almost stunned speechless. They are also full of mischief and have taken on that special quality only Justin has when I know he’s been planning and is happy with the end result. He leans over and kisses me full on the mouth, which could be interpreted by some as innocently exuberant. But in reality, it was both decadent, and sinful on a scale which once again, has me ready to just say ‘fuck the day’ so I could get him back to the loft to fuck us both into mindlessness.

He pulls back to look me in the eyes, and simply says, “Thank you.”

My eyes hold his for a moment before looking over his shoulder to see Tony standing behind him. I want to be upset with him, but looking back to Justin I can see that telling him about the investment in this Diner was the right thing to do. “So you aren’t mad?”

“Furious. Which I will take out on you later,” Justin jokes.

“I’ll look forward to it,” I answer, briefly kissing him again. But then I remember that look of plotting, and I just have to ask about it. “So why did you look like the cat who ate the canary when you first came back out here?”

“Oh, no reason… well, not much of one anyway.”

“So spill already, Baby! Why do you look so devious and happy?” Mel orders, even as she sits there smiling as us.

I shrug as Justin looks to me for confirmation that I should tell her. It’s his decision on who he wants to know about his partial ownership in the Diner. It was just something I thought to do for him with a little mad money I had been saving before I met him. I didn’t want Justin in a position where, at the end of his employment here, he would have been working to make someone else’s dream a reality while receiving nothing outside of the pittance of his paycheck to show for it. So when I approached Tony about buying Justin in, back when he was looking for investors, he jumped at the chance when he’d learned the entirety of Justin’s story regarding Craig.

It was Justin's impassioned assessment of what his life had boiled down to, while we were in that New York hotel room, which made the decision of what to invest in next for me. I kept thinking of how similar our circumstances were, only I was still living in the closet where my parents were concerned. But I thought of all that could have happened if they had found out I was gay, and how I would have been beaten and tossed out. There would have been no way I could’ve gone to Debbie, knowing how vindictive Joan Kinney is even right today. For all her religious ways, she wouldn’t have hesitated to let Jack either kill me or called the cops on anyone who would have taken her sinner son in.

So, knowing all of that, I felt compelled to make sure that Justin would be okay, regardless of where he ended up.

Lowering his voice, Justin answered her. “Well, thanks to Brian and with the help of Ted and Tony, I have owned a percentage of this place since just after I began working here. Between the three of them, they have been making sure that I wouldn’t have to worry about the crap Craig is still trying to pull regarding the money my grandparents provided me. Unfortunately, my mom and grandparents are still trying to wrest control of my trust fund back from him since he should have automatically released it into my care the moment I turned eighteen and didn’t. Anyway, the reason I am so happy is that I’ve decided to add another layer of protection to my interests.”

“What do you mean?” I ask, a bit wary of what Justin has done. 

He must have picked up on my tone, because he looks me in the eyes and says, “Nothing to stress over too much, Brian. In fact, it’s probably going to be one of the best business decisions I’ve made on my own so far. I had Tony cut me a check with half the dividends from this quarter, and bought Daph a share. That way, while I’m not here, she will address any issues directly, that Tony isn’t comfortable doing.”

“You mean…” Mel and I gasped at the same time.

“Yeah. I didn’t want Tony in the middle of the upcoming Cold War. We both know that family loyalty will play a big role in any dealings once our news officially becomes public. So, asking Daphne to fulfill this particular role is perfect, since her only loyalty is to us, and now Tony.”

“But doesn’t Deb own a share as well?” Mel asks.

“No.” Tony answers. “While Brian and I were discussing his and Justin’s investment in my restaurant company, we talked about it and decided that it would be better to add to Deb’s retirement fund instead. The reason for that just happens to be the same one Justin thought to bring Daphne on board…”

“Michael.” Melanie sighed the name as if exasperated merely for having to mention it all.

“Yeah,” I confirmed, then shake my head. “It’s no secret that she would do anything for him. It’s bad enough that while we all pay for our meals, Michael has always eaten here for free even when he was working at the Big Q. The same could be said for when we went out to Woody’s and Babylon; he always expected someone else to pay for him to do so. And that’s why we wouldn’t consider making her one of the owners of this place, because then it would keep happening and nothing could be said or done about it.”

“Or Michael would have badgered Debbie into signing her shares over to him,” Justin points out.

“You think she would have told him?” Mel asks.

Justin snickers before saying, “She may not have done so on purpose, but Michael has a way about him where his questions seem innocent but are really as sharply pointed as a rapier sword. Perhaps it’s the squesky voice coupled with the puppy dog eyes that often causes his deviousness to be overlooked, but yes. Deb would have let it slip that she owned a part of this place while trying to figure out how to get Michael the money he wants for whatever reason. Then he REALLY would have reason to walk around as if his shit smells like saffron instead of sewage.”

“Jesus, Sunshine! Your analogies can really be killer, you know?” I ask rhetorically, shaking my head. “And what’s with the new term ‘squesky’? Never heard you utter that particular gem to describe Michael before.”

“Squesky equals squeaky and pesky; two things that perfectly describe that high-pitch siren when Michael chooses to whine you all into submission.”

We all can’t help but laugh at his choice of words even while acknowledging the validity in them. Michael does have that particular gift to him, which is a definite curse to all of us. It often comes down to us just giving in so that he’d let us get back to doing what we were before he’d so rudely interrupted. The sad thing is that we all put up with it because we would rather not have Deb in our faces if we don’t. It makes me wonder if she always gives into him so that he wouldn’t do the same thing to her.

And if that’s the case, it very well might explain why it appears that she refuses to let him grow the hell up.

“So, by adding what she would have made as an investor to her retirement fund, she can’t touch it without drawing a penalty for doing it?” Mel asks, and we all nod. She snickers, saying, “That’s fucking genius, considering her penchant for supporting Michael’s comic geek addictions.”

“Indeed,” Justin says. “But if she’s still doing that, she’s taking whatever money she’s set aside for things like monthly bills and other expenses so that Michael can have whatever he wants. And unfortunately, because of all of your soft hearts, you’ve been paying the money back to her when it should really be Michael who is doing it. Basically, you’re all paying for his hobby and making him happy, while trying to keep Deb from being miserable and overwhelmed.”

And on that note, I know it’s time to get us to Ryder. Because if I don’t, Justin is going to destroy the idealism of everyone within the place, like he just shattered mine and Mel’s in reference to Debbie. Don’t get me wrong; I know Justin is telling the truth. It’s just so fucking hard to hear and accept. Both Sunshine and I kiss Gus, and then he hugs Mel, as I tell her that we’ll call her when we touch down in L.A. so that we can establish a few video conferences to see Gus based on her convenience.  

Less than twenty minutes later, I pull into the parking garage of Ryder Advertising for the last time. Strangely, I feel a little bit of nostalgia at this moment. I mean, this was the place of my first job in my chosen field. This building is the scene where my first deal was made after accosting the ONE client Ryder wanted to approach himself but was hemming and hawing in doing so. It’s where I grew into the young powerhouse that has now acquired a partnership at the tender age of thirty. And yet, for whatever amount that I will miss this place and some of the people in it, I feel double that quantity in exhilaration at the knowledge that I’m no longer going to be bound by small thinking men such as Martin Ryder and Gardner Vance.

“Ready?” Justin asks me softly, threading his fingers through mine.

I look down at our joined hands, before raising them to my lips and kissing his knuckles briefly. Then, staring into the pools of blue that are his eyes, I say the words sure to make him smile. “It’s time to deliver the big FUCK YOU.”

“And without a doubt, you’ll do it beautifully. Let’s go.”