Credence

Chapter Four: “Corollary”

If you're never scared or embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take any chances. ~Julia Sorel

June

Justin felt like a total fool. He knew that he’d overreacted when he saw Brian with the usher. He obviously scared Brian away, acting like a jealous lover, when he had no right to be angry. There was no explaining his actions in any redeemable way; no apology he could make that would erase what he had said to Brian in his momentary anger.

For the last week, Justin had been staying in Ben and Michael’s guest room. As much as Justin didn’t want to accept help from Brian’s best friend, the spare room at the Novotny-Bruckner household held a lot more appeal than Daphne’s or his mother’s couch. However, as he came downstairs this morning for breakfast, he’d overheard Michael telling Ben that he was worried about Brian. Brian hadn’t taken any of his calls all week and Emmett had told him that Brian had been at Woody’s, fall-down drunk before nine o’clock each night. Then, Ben informed Michael that while he and Justin were at Lindsay and Melanie’s the night before, Brian had called Michael and left a message on the machine. Michael immediately went to hear the message and before Justin could be tempted to listen in, he slinked his way back upstairs, got dressed and discreetly made his way out of the house after calling Daphne.

Justin met Daphne at a café a block down from Michael and Ben’s house. He related to her what he’d heard that morning and added, “I don’t think I can stay there anymore. Brian’s pissed at me and I’m coming between him and Michael.”

“Didn’t Brian send Michael to your rescue the day of the collapse?” Daphne asked.

“That’s what Michael said,” Justin replied. “He wouldn’t elaborate as to why he did it.”

“I think that’s pretty obvious.” Daphne placed her hand on Justin’s arm and squeezed. “Brian didn’t want you to be alone.”

“Maybe.” Justin’s heart jumped into his throat for a second as he internalized the gesture but he quickly reeled his thoughts back to reality. “Even so, I’m sure he’s pissed at me now and is even more pissed that I’m staying with his best friend. He’s out getting wasted and trying to get Michael’s attention,” he assessed.

“Well, he got it,” Daphne said, “right?”

“I guess. I didn’t stick around but I’m sure Michael is going to go see him.”

“Well, if you really don’t want to stay there you know you can come stay at my place,” Daphne said. She didn’t know either Brian or Michael well so she wasn’t sure if she should encourage Justin to stay where he was.

“I appreciate you offering again, Daph,” Justin said, “but I found a weekly rate at a hotel I can stay at. I’ve got money from the sales of my paintings so I’ll be all right there until I can find an apartment.”

“Are you sure?” Daphne asked in a worried tone. Her friend had been through so much lately; she wanted to help in any way she could.

“I’m sure. To be honest, even though it’s only been about a week, I miss living on my own.” And I miss Brian, Justin thought.

“You miss Brian, too,” Daphne said, reading the love struck expression on Justin’s face.

Justin gaped. “Have you suddenly developed the ability to read minds or something?”

“Only yours,” Daphne said, laughing. “After knowing you for so long I’d be worried if I couldn’t. Now why don’t you just call him?”

“I can’t call him. He hates me, believe me, I know he does.” Daphne didn’t understand because Justin had kept much of his relationship with Brian to himself.

“I bet he doesn’t hate you. He probably thinks you’re mad at him so he’s not going to be the one to call you. He doesn’t apologize for anything, right? That’s what you said, so I doubt he’ll make the first move.”

Justin took a sip of his coffee before mumbling, “He doesn’t have anything to apologize for.”

“Speaking from a friend’s point of view, what he did was a shitty thing.”

“That’s the problem. You’re speaking as my friend. You haven’t met Brian, so the only things you know about him are things I’ve told you, which isn’t fair to him. If you were really speaking from a friend’s point of view, the way I should have been seeing the whole thing that happened between us, you’d realize that he didn’t do anything wrong.”

Daphne shook her head slowly and sighed, “You really are into him. I mean, you’re defending him so whole-heartedly.” She couldn’t believe that her friend had fallen so quickly and seemed to have no idea how deep his feelings were.

“That isn’t why I’m defending his actions.” Justin couldn’t find it in him to deny how ‘into’ Brian he had begrudgingly become. “With a clearer head, I’ve realized that I behaved like an asshole and even when he tried to be there for me, I pushed him away.”

“Justin, I wouldn’t ever have done what Brian did to you,” Daphne said softly, placing her hand over her his.

“That isn’t true,” Justin told her, smiling a little. “I think you have forgotten that time you ditched me at the roller rink to make out with Darren Spencer.”

Daphne placed her hand over her mouth to hold in her immediate burst of laugher. “You’re like an elephant.”

“What?” Justin asked, horrified at the comparison.

“You never forget,” Daphne told him, her giggles subsiding. “That was different, I was fourteen.”

“Our friendship was just as mature then as it is now,” Justin said, grinning widely. “My point is that if it were you that had gone to the bathroom to suck some guy off, I wouldn’t have been pissed. I would have asked you how it was and probably cheered you on for having the balls to do it.”

“But…” Daphne took a drink of her coffee, unable to come up with any other defense for Justin’s actions. She knew that if Justin had done the same to her she would have had the same reaction he did. The only difference was that Justin obviously wanted more than friendship.

“I’ve fucked everything up. The whole reason we became friends in the first place wasn’t entirely innocent. It’s not as if Brian tried to be my friend, I tried to be his. I assimilated myself into his life, into his friends’ lives and…”

“You’re acting like being your friend is a horrible undertaking, but I assure you it isn’t,” Daphne interrupted, trying her best to be supportive. She’d never known Justin to get himself into such a dilemma. He was always thinking at least two steps ahead in almost every situation. He planned, achieved and moved on to reaching his next goal. Now he was totally, hopelessly, head over heels in love with Brian Kinney, not that she was going to point that out in those exact words. She was pretty sure Justin already knew and conjured bouts of denial within himself to feel relief that couldthat could only be momentary.

“For Brian, it probably was horrible. I kept swearing to him that I didn’t want him, I made comments about us being ‘just friends’ but it was all a lie. I implied that our relationship could be more than friendship in the ways that I teased him, touched him and I liked how he reacted to me. It wasvastly different from the touching we do, Daph, which should’ve immediately made me stop. But I didn’t, I kept it up and it thrilled me, made me feel powerful every time I got the reward of knowing that Brian wanted me as badly as I wanted him. Knowing nothing would come of it didn’t stop me from teasing him, even if I didn’t always do it on purpose. Honestly, most of the time it came naturally to act a certain way with Brian.”

“Maybe it isn’t a good idea for you to be friends with him, not when you want him to be more than your friend and you know he doesn’t want anything but sex or friendship from you.”

“I thought that at first, but then we started spending time together and I was sure I’d be able to deal with my sexual attraction to him. I was doing just fine. We were getting closer, seeing each other every day, having fun together and I deluded myself into thinking that it’d be him.”

“What would be him?”

“You know, that maybe he could be ‘the one’.” Hearing himself say it aloud made Justin’s stomach clench with disgust for himself. Never had he acted so immature, so much like a high school kid with a crush, just hoping that if he was around the person he liked long enough that they’d miraculously decide that they liked him. “I actually made myself believe that I could get Brian to toss his rules aside for me. I thought he’d see how good things could be between us and maybe he’d consider…” Justin stopped himself as he realized how ridiculous the words ending that sentence sounded in his head. Brian wasn’t going to consider changing his whole way of life for him. “God, I’m such an idiot. This whole time I’ve been playing a game whose rules guaranteed that I’d lose. I knew from the start that I was attracted to Brian but that I couldn’t ever be with him. But did that stop me? Nope. I just had to play the game, play Brian and make him want me, knowing that I wouldn’t let him have me.”

“Justin,” Daphne sighed, hardly able to believe what her friend was saying. “Why did you do that?”

“At first, it was because I wanted to show the great Brian Kinney that he couldn’t have anyone he wanted. There was no way in Hell that he’d haveme.”

“But you’re friends,” Daphne said, confused.

“We became friends and when we did, my little ‘prove Brian Kinney can’t have everyone plan’ somehow turned into, ‘show Brian Kinney that I’m just as irresistible to him as he is to me’. That spiraled into something else that it shouldn’t have and now here I am, a total mess.”

“You just… you had faith in yourself because you know as well as I do that Brian, as well as every other gay man on the planet, would consider himself lucky to be with you. You’re amazing, Justin, and you counted on your amazing charm to break Brian’s ridiculous rules.”

“Some good my ‘charms’ did me,” Justin grumbled. He recalled the words he’d uttered about him losing everything and even though he had so much support from his family and friends, without Brian, his statement still rang true in his heart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“What the fuck were you doing?” Brian asked in a drunken slur. “I called ya’ an hour ago.”

Michael closed the loft door behind him, letting out a deep breath of frustration. “I told you that I’d be a while.”

“What were you doin’ that was more important than watching Point Break with me?” Brian asked, pausing the movie.

Michael dropped down onto the sofa beside Brian and took the bottle of Beam away from him. “I had to run some errands. Unlike you, I have other responsibilities. I can’t sit around and get drunk in the middle of the afternoon.”

“It’s Saturday, I’m startin’ early.”

“So early that you told Lindsay you couldn’t pick up Gus today?”

“He’s better off without me, you know that.” Brian grabbed for the bottle of liquor but Michael kept it out of his reach. “Don’t be a fucker, Mikey.”

“You don’t really want this, Brian. You want Justin, but you’re not going to have him if you don’t call him.”

“And say what? I’m s…sorry I was getting a blowjob when you found out your apartment crumbled to the ground? I’m not sorry. He had no right being pissed with me!”

“Bullshit. You’ve been drunk every night this week. You’re upset that you upset him. Even if he reacted a little more strongly than he should have, you shouldn’t have been getting blown while you were seeing a movie with him.”

“It’s his fucking fault!” Brian insisted. “He teases me and then…”

“What?” Michael asked. “Then what? He doesn’t put out? Poor you.”

“We’re friends. I don’t fuck my friends. He doesn’t fuck his friends. But he wants more, I know he does.”

“And so do you,” Michael said, his voice soft. “There’s nothing wrong with wanting more from him.”

“He thinks so,” Brian grunted, crossing his arms over his chest.

Michael had never seen Brian actually pout before, it was quite startling. “I’m sure he just doesn’t want to be another notch on your metaphorical bedpost.”

Brian laughed, “Big word, Mikey. Did Ben teach you that one?”

“Make fun of me all you want. It won’t make the feelings you have for Justin go away and neither will this.” Michael held up the bottle of Beam. “If you get what you want and fuck him, I bet that they won’t go away even then. They’d probably get even stronger.”

“I’m not like you!” Brian shouted, rising from the couch for a moment before falling back down when the room began to spin.

“If you were, you wouldn’t be such a mess right now.” Michael stood, bent to give Brian a quick kiss and said, “Just do what you really want to do.”

Brian glared at Michael as he watched him walk to the loft door, open it and slam it closed behind him, without another word. It took him a full minute of bitching Mikey out in his head for leaving him to watch Patrick Swayze by himself before he realized the man had taken the bottle with him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sleepily, Michael opened the door and came face-to-face with Brian. “What are you doing here so early?”

“I’m on my way to work.” Brian dropped the bags he had brought with him on the porch in front of the door. “I thought he might need these.”

Michael looked down at the two large duffle bags and the messenger bag. “What the fuck are those?”

“Justin had them in my trunk and some of his shit that he left at my house,” Brian explained, backing away, prepared to make a hasty exit.

“But… you’ve had these for almost two weeks and didn’t say anything?” Michael asked, pissed off. “You could’ve told me when I came over and I would’ve taken them with me. He thought he lost everything.”

“I’d forgotten I had it all,” Brian said, narrowing his eyes at his friend. “Apparently, he forgot about all of it too.”

“Well, if you’re delivering it, you should take it to him.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Brian asked.

“The money from his show cleared the bank and he’s using it to stay at a motel.”

“He was saving it to buy a car!” Brian walked up to Michael and yelled, “You’re pissed at me for getting my dick sucked but you fucking kicked him out!”

Michael gently pushed Brian away from him, happy to see that Brian appeared to ‘fight’ for Justin. “We didn’t kick him out. He wanted his own space. We offered to let him stay as long as he wanted. His mother has been offering him her spare bedroom too, but he wouldn’t take it.”

“Where is he staying?”

Michael grabbed the bags and shoved them at Brian. “Take these with you. He’s staying at ‘InTown Suites’.”

“Where the fuck is that?” Brian asked, grabbing the bags.

“It’s in West View off the I-19.”

“What the fuck, Michael? The only shit in West View is cemeteries, sanitariums and halfway houses! How long has he been staying there?”

“Just since yesterday,” Michael replied, worriedly. “He took the four o’clock bus.”

“Why didn’t you drive him out there yourself?”

“Ben had the car and Justin was bound and determined to be alone. I didn’t know the area was bad.”

“What the fuck ever, Mikey. What’s his room number?”

“120. Should I call him and tell him you’re…”

“No,” Brian interrupted, walking down the steps. “See ya, Mikey.”

“Good luck,” Michael called back unsure of what he was wishing Brian luck for.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Pack your shit.”

Justin rubbed a hand over his face and peered out through his puffy eyes. “Brian?”

Brian placed one hand on Justin’s chest and shoved him into the ‘suite’. “You’re not staying here.”

“Huh?” Justin sneezed and groggily walked over to the box of Kleenex and grabbed one.

Brian shook his head as he observed Justin after he blew his nose. His puffy eyes were pink and his red nose had skin peeling from the tip. “Did you sleep well?” he asked sardonically.

“Ahh… no.” Justin’s head wasn’t clear, due to lack of sleep, an allergy attack and the biggest reason of all - Brian’s sudden arrival. “Why are you here?”

“Like I said, you’re not staying here.”

Justin gave Brian a strange look. “Actually, I am. I have the receipt to prove that I’m paid up for a week.”

Brian took Justin by the shoulders and steered him in front of the dresser mirror. “Look at yourself,” he demanded, staring into the dirty reflection. “You are allergic to this place, you can barely open your eyes and by the sound of the sirens that haven’t stopped blaring outside since I arrived, I’d bet they haven’t stopped since you’ve been here, it’s not safe.”

Justin sagged against Brian, feeling drained and foolish. “Aren’t you pissed at me?”

“Aren’t you pissed at the world?” Brian asked, rubbing his hands up and down Justin’s arms.

Justin shrugged. “My life sucks.”

“Well, whose doesn’t?”

Justin snorted and a bubble of snot appeared, causing him to jump away from Brian in embarrassment and grab for the tissues again.

Not entirely disgusted by Justin, Brian found it in him to laugh as he looked around and spotted a backpack and a small duffle bag. “Is this all the shit you have?”

“Brian, I can’t just leave. I paid $256 bucks to stay here.”

Brian reached into his back pocket, pulled out his wallet and counted out the cash. “Here,” he said, shoving it into the pocket of Justin’s shorts. “That’s the birthday present I never got you.”

“You didn’t know me then,” Justin told him.

“Whatever.” Brian hauled Justin’s bags onto the bed and flinched when the bed let out a loud groan. “Does it do that every time you move?”

“Yes,” Justin moaned. “Practically every time I breathe.”

“Do you have a shift at the diner today?” Brian asked, slinging the bag’s onto his shoulder.

“No. I don’t work until the weekend. I need time off to get all my shit together.”

“Good.” Brian grabbed Justin’s hand and pulled him with him. “Slip on your flip-flops so we can get the fuck out of here.”

Justin looked around the hotel room. “But…” The sound of a distant gunshot and louder sirens halted Justin’s protests. He quickly slipped his shoes on and followed Brian out of the hotel room and to the Jeep. “Where are we going?”

“No place special,” Brian said, unlocking the doors. “Now get in before we get shot.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I can’t stay here,” Justin said for the twelfth time.

Brian handed Justin the keycards. “You are.”

“I can’t afford even one night here,” Justin insisted.

“Of course not.” Brian laughed. “But I can.”

“So you’re staying here with me?” Justin asked in a worried tone.

“Well there are two rooms,” Brian joked. “But no, this is just for you.”

Justin had stayed in one of the normal Westin guest rooms when he’d visited his grandmother a few years ago in Phoenix. The room had been luxurious and expensive, but this room, ‘The Luxury Suite’, was unlike any room he’d ever imagined staying in. “You can’t afford this.”

“I handle the Convention Center’s advertising,” Brian explained. “They provide me with two suites, and a couple of other guest rooms for my clients as part of the contract with Exhibition.”

“For your clients,” Justin prompted.

“Yes,” Brian admitted, “and for my personal use. Every now and then I come here and take advantage of their vast array of amenities and I suggest you do that as often as you can.”

“Brian,” Justin felt breathless as he took in the generous gesture. He backed up against one of the chairs and slid down into the seat. “I…”

A knock on the door interrupted Justin and they heard a man call out, “Luggage.”

“I’ll get it,” Brian said, walking over to the door.

The bellhop pushed the cart inside and asked Brian, “Would you like me to unpack for you?”

“No,” Brian spoke. “I think Mr. Taylor would like to do that himself.”

“Where would you like the luggage?” the man asked.

“In the first bedroom,” Brian directed, taking out a twenty-dollar bill from his wallet he handed it to the bellhop. “Thank you, Steven.”

“You’re welcome, Mr. Kinney.”

Brian walked over to Justin whose eyes, despite being puffy, were wide with shock. “I’ve got to get to work. Order some room service, take a nap, get a massage and if you want, I’ll meet you for dinner at the Grille downstairs at six.”

“Is there anything else I can do for you?” the bellhop asked, emerging from the bedroom with the empty luggage cart.

“No thanks,” Brian replied, waving the man off.

Justin wanted to ask why Brian would do this for him, why he would so easily forgive him for the nasty way he had treated him, but he knew better than to ask. He couldn’t fathom that there would be a logical answer that Brian would admit to. Brian was taking care of him in a way Justin could only relate to the way a man would care for his partner. Was that what this was? Was Brian showing him that he wanted more? Justin had thought he was confused before but now Brian’s dramatic gesture had him feeling even more perplexed.

He wanted to meet Brian for dinner and thought maybe then he would have time to process everything and come up with a way to discuss it with the man, but he had made previous plans. “I can’t do dinner tonight,” he said regretfully. “I’ve agreed to meet with Trent.”

Brian tried to ignore the immediate kick in the gut feeling. “All right, I’ll see you later. Enjoy yourself.”

Brian was nearly to the door before Justin snapped out of it and bolted after him. “Wait!”

Brian hid his annoyance and asked, “What?”

“I’m going to Lindsay and Melanie’s for dinner with Trent.”

“You don’t have to explain,” Brian told him, opening the door.

Right, we’re only friends, Justin thought to himself, convinced that this was a one-sided lie. “Can we meet for dinner here tomorrow?”

Brian wanted to say no but he knew it’d make him appear petty. “I’ve got a meeting at six with a client, so say seven?” Yes, he knew the meeting was actually a dinner meeting, but he figured he could just eat something small; he’d talk to the client most of the time anyway.

Justin smiled and wrapped his arms around Brian. “Thank you.”

Brian tucked his hands behind Justin’s back and allowed himself a moment of embracing Justin’s perfect body before pulling away. “Later.”

“Later,” Justin replied, grinning while experiencing a level of happiness he didn’t think it was possible to feel after what he’d been through the last two weeks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Melanie walked around the hotel suite, her face showing the absolute shock she felt. “Is this new?” she asked, pointing to the laptop sitting on the desk.

“Brian bought me this,” Justin said, in awe. “I told him I’d pay him back once the settlement is decided upon.”

“That’s top of the line,” Melanie commented. “I can’t believe it and I doubt Brian will let you pay him back.”

“Well he’s going to have to let me or I’ll give it back to him.” He nervously bit his thumbnail as he saw Lindsay spot the closet he’d accidentally left open.

Lindsay skimmed her hand along the dozens of tags hanging from Justin’s shirts and suit coats. “There isn’t an item in this closet that cost less than fifty dollars! Justin, I know I’m in no place to tell you how to spend your money, but I thought you were saving your earnings from the show to buy a car.”

Justin walked around past Lindsay and closed the closet door. “I am saving for a car.”

“Brian bought you all that too?” Lindsay asked as the thought occurred to her.

“Yes,” Justin admitted quietly. “I don’t know why he did. I had some clothes I’d bought but he said… he said that he didn’t want me to be reminded of what I lost every time I opened my closet. That now, I’ve at least gained some style.” Justin smiled to himself as he thought back to that conversation and how out of character Brian had seemed when he called him to ask about the new clothing he’d found in the luggage. “I’m going to have him take a lot of it back though.”

“Except his gift,” Lindsay advised in a soft voice. “One of Brian’s favorite things in the world to do is give to his friends, even if he wouldn’t ever admit to it. You’d be better off graciously accepting his gifts than denying him the pleasure of giving them to you.”

“Brian can be very generous when he wants to be,” Melanie added.

Lindsay looked at her wife strangely. “Are you all right, Mel?”

Melanie shrugged. “Hey, he gave his rights over to us so we could raise Gus together, didn’t he?”

“He did,” Lindsay spoke with a hitch to her voice.

Melanie went on, “As generous as Brian may be toward his friends, I have to tell you, Justin, what he’s done for you is much different from the way he’s helped out his other friends. He could’ve put you up in any hotel, bought you a crappy computer to get you buy and given you a gift card to Torso.”

“You’re right, Melanie,” Lindsay said adamantly, giving Justin a smile. “Brian arranged for your absolute comfort.”

“There is only one explanation for this,” Melanie interrupted Lindsay. “I’m now jumping on the bandwagon with everyone else.”

Justin groaned as he realized what she was getting at. “No, please don’t.” Honestly, he felt like jumping on it right along with their friends, but he didn’t want to walk that dangerous path.

“Justin,” Lindsay sighed his name. “I know you don’t want to hear it, but there is no other explanation for Brian going so far to take care of you.”

“Just don’t say it,” Justin said. “Because it’s possible you’re wrong and I can’t afford to have hope. We’re friends and I almost lost that and I’m not going to fool myself into believing there is more to it.”

“But…” Melanie gestured around.

“No,” Justin said firmly. “Don’t. I mean, Melanie, you just said it, didn’t you? You two, you’re not even nice to one another, you’re not friends and yet, he gave you his parental rights so that you and Lindsay could raise Gus. He did something completely unselfish to help you and his son. It’s the same with me, that’s all.”

“Maybe,” Lindsay said, not entirely convinced but also not wanting to upset Justin.

Melanie nodded, understanding that it was possible that Justin was right in his assessment given Brian’s track record. “Well, whatever Brian’s reasoning, I’m happy he did this for you.”

“Me too,” Justin said insistently. “But I’m not going to start believing that it all means something more than Brian being friendly.”

Justin was glad the women didn’t know about all the other things Brian had bought him, or about the benefits of staying at the hotel. At first, he was going to tell them how wonderful it all was, that all of his meals were comped and that he could have a massage whenever he wanted, but he didn’t want to add fuel to their thoughts. The women wouldn’t keep them to themselves and it would only catapult the dangerous flaming desire he had burning for Brian Kinney.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Brian,” Jennifer greeted as she walked through the entrance of Curtis, Tucker following close behind her.

“Jennifer,” Brian replied, “nice to see you.” He nodded at Tucker. “You too, Tuck.”

Tucker laughed. “Thanks, Brian.”

“Are you here with Justin?” Jennifer asked. When she had spoken to Justin that afternoon and invited him to dinner, he’d declined telling her that he had plans to have dinner with Brian.

“No, I’m just leaving and I’m on my way over to the hotel. I had a meeting with a client.”

“It went well I hope?” she asked.

“It did,” Brian answered.

“What you did for Justin is amazing,” Tucker said, a smile tugging at his lips.

“Amazing is an understatement,” Jennifer said, hugging Brian quickly before stepping away and laughing. “You didn’t have to do that for him, but I am thankful you did and so is he.”

“Well, it’s a part of the contract I have with the Westin,” Brian explained.

“And I suppose the iPod, laptop, software, clothes, and art supplies were also complementary of the Westin?” Tucker goaded. “You’re a generousfriend, Brian.”

Brian shrugged the man off. “I could afford it and Justin needed it,” he said simply. “If any of my other friends were in the same position, I’d do the same for them.”

“Of course you would,” Jennifer placated, patting Brian’s arm. “Well, we’d better go before they give our reservation away. It was good to see you; give Justin my love.”

“I will,” Brian replied with only a small grumble.

Tucker nodded at Brian, giving him an amused look as he passed him.

“Fucker,” Brian mumbled as he walked outside.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Your mother said to give you her love,” Brian said, sitting down in the chair across from Justin. He’d given him a small peck on his cheek, barely refraining from grabbing Justin and demanding that they go to his room and dine on one another all night. He wasn’t exactly in the mood for dinner and conversation but he realized, scary, as it was, that Justin was different and if he had to wine and dine him for a while to get back to the way things were before, before they could move on to better things, then he’d do it.

Justin laughed. “How did you run into her?”

“I saw her at Curtis.”

Justin frowned. “You had dinner already?”

“I had a meeting with a client, remember? I rarely eat much during dinner meetings.”

“Oh, good,” Justin said, sighing with relief. Even though it wasn’t a ‘just friends’ kind of reaction, Justin took a secret joy in knowing that Brian preferred to dine with him. “So how did your meeting go?”

“I got the account,” Brian said as if it were the obvious answer. “What did you do today?” He felt stomach acid rise into his throat as he heard himself voice such a lame question. Brian couldn’t believe what he was saying and doing!

“I relaxed.” Justin was bubbling with nerves and couldn’t hold back any longer. “Why did you buy all that stuff for me?” Was it because you’re falling in love with me or was it just a friendly gesture? He wanted to ask that too but stopped himself by biting his lips and gripping the arms on his seat for a moment until the urge passed.

“You needed it.”

Justin felt the tension coming from Brian and let his question drop. “Thank you.”

“Did you have a chance to look over the menu before I got here?” Brian asked. More small talk that made his stomach clench and his inner fag scream, but as he looked at Justin’s bright smile, the way the expression made him feel did wonders for his inner fag and calmed him down immensely.

“I did and I ordered us a bottle of champagne while I was waiting. Is that all right?” Justin was sure that what they were doing had to qualify as a date because it felt just like what Daphne described to him. It was uncomfortable, exciting and his nerves sizzled under his skin, threatening to jump out of his body any second.

“Did you get an expensive one?” Brian asked.

“Of course,” Justin replied. “Anything I buy in the hotel is comped to the room and I know you would’ve bitched at me if I would’ve asked for cheap champagne.”

“It is,” Brian replied. “And you don’t have to worry about going overboard with expenses. I haven’t had any clients use your suite this year so they owe me.”

“After Trent left last night, I had a massage,” Justin said, leaning back in his chair and closing his eyes. “It was wonderful.”

Brian swallowed down the lump in his throat. “I’m glad you enjoyed it.”

“I did, especially after…”

“I have your champagne for you, Mr. Taylor.” A waitress pushed a bucket of ice and two glasses on a cart beside their table. “It’s already uncorked. Would you like me to pour?”

“Yes, thanks,” Justin replied.

Once the server finished pouring their glasses, she arranged the bucket of ice and champagne bottle on their table. “Are you both ready to order?”

“We are,” Brian said, not needing to look at his menu. He gestured to Justin to place his order.

Justin opened his menu and found the dish he’d chosen earlier. “I’ll have the Grilled Pesto Chicken.”

“Would you like your asparagus grilled or heated?”

“Grilled,” Brian, suggested. Out of all the dishes on the menu, Justin had chosen Brian’s favorite.

“That sounds good,” Justin agreed. “And for the side I’d like the corn salad, please.”

“An excellent choice,” the server said. “That is my favorite meal on the menu.”

“Mine too,” Brian told her. “I’m going to have the same thing.”

“Well you’ve made my job easy,” she said, taking their menus. “That will be out shortly. Can I interest you in our assorted bread basket?”

“Yes, please,” Justin said.

“Okay, I’ll come back with that in just a moment. Enjoy your champagne,” she said, before pushing the cart away.

“I picked your favorite dish?” Justin said, laughing. “What a coincidence.”

“Seems so.” Brian held up his glass to toast Justin. “To new beginnings.”

Justin clinked his glass with Brian’s. “That’s the perfect toast.” They fell into an awkward silence for a moment before Justin spoke, “I missed you.”

Brian could hardly deny the flutter in his stomach and the warmth that cascaded through him hearing Justin admit that. “Me too.” Brian didn’t think admitting something like that was so horrible once he’d spoken it, but the weight of the truth in the statement caused his heart rate to increase dramatically. He and Justin had spent so much time together, the time without him felt to Brian like a waste of time, which was a totally foreign feeling.

Justin reached across the table and put his hand on top of Brian’s hand. “I really am sorry for the way I treated you that day. You didn’t deserve it.”

Brian wasn’t too sure about that. “I wouldn’t have done that to Michael,” he found himself admitting. “If we were at a bar, out cruising, maybe, but…”

“Even so,” Justin interrupted, not wanting Brian to retreat because he was feeling uncomfortable. “I was wrong.”

“It’s all right.”

“You’ve been a great friend to me, Brian. And, you were right.” He wanted to say what was on the tip of his tongue, what had been on the tip of his tongue since Brian had shown up at the ratty hotel he’d stayed in.

“About?” Brian prompted, his thumb disobeying his better judgment and linking itself on top of Justin’s fingers.

“I didn’t lose everything,” Justin said, happy that he’d managed to speak the words confidently. He added for clarification, “And I don’t mean because of what you bought me. I have friends and family… and I have your friendship, it means a lot to me.”

Brian wanted to jerk his hand away and start gagging at Justin’s cheesy lines, tell him how stupid their conversation was. He wanted to rip on every word and make sarcastic remarks about it, but he couldn’t. Justin’s hand felt too good on his and Justin’s gorgeous, happy smile overrode his need to dismantle the sentiments.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“We’d better get out of here,” Justin said before taking the last sip of his champagne.

“I guess so,” Brian agreed, looking around the restaurant in surprise. “We’re the only ones here.”

Justin stood up from the table and stretched, his t-shirt rising and exposing his belly button. “I can’t believe we sat in here so long.”

“Me neither,” Brian agreed, looking at his watch so his eyes would stop trailing over Justin’s body. “It’s almost ten o’clock.”

“Thank you for dining with us,” the waitress said, walking over to their table. “Please come again.”

“We will,” Brian told the woman. He placed his hand on Justin’s back and led him out of the restaurant.

They walked down the hall toward the elevators. Once inside the elevator, Justin stood near the buttons, his finger hovering over them. The grille was on the second floor and Justin’s room was on the tenth, so if Brian was going home he’d press the button for the garage first. “Wanna come up?” Justin asked. All through dinner, he had been thinking about talking to Brian alone in his room. If today was truly a new beginning, then he knew that he should be honest with him, no matter what came from his openness. “We can have a drink up there. The bar is completely stocked.”

Instead of an answer, Brian took Justin’s hand and together they pressed the button for the tenth floor. Brian had missed touching Justin. As agonizing as it was not to touch him wherever he wanted, even the smallest connection of their skin was torturously wonderful. Weeks without it had left him numb, but now, he craved it.

Justin longed for Brian to do more than just hold his hand but he didn’t know how to ask for more and, really, he knew that it wouldn’t be a good idea to tempt Brian. So he stood, almost perfectly still, staring straight ahead out the glass doors of the elevator as it rose to the tenth floor.

Brian had to force himself to keep his eyes riveted to the boring view in front of him. He had become steel-hard the moment he heard Justin’s soft intake of breath when he moved his hand and threaded their fingers together. He was convinced that if he only so much as looked at him once during the ride in the elevator, he’d be tearing off Justin’s clothes and never care about any protest on Justin’s part or the multi-million dollar account he’d surely lose for causing a scandal at the Westin. He couldn’t stop himself from wanting Justin and whatever half-assed plan he had of seducing him into submission for revenge had been tangled and shredded into unmendable pieces.

As soon as the elevator stopped, Justin let go of Brian’s hand and stepped into the hallway. When he realized Brian wasn’t following him, he turned around and asked, “You coming?”

“Tomorrow,” Brian said, the word barely registering to Justin’s ears.

Justin held out his hand to stop the doors from closing and gave Brian a confused look. “What?”

“I’ll take you on a date tomorrow.” Brian was surprised that his good conscience won out and allowed him to speak the words.

Justin laughed and regretted it the moment he saw Brian’s eyes narrow at him. “Tomorrow,” he said quickly, stepping closer to Brian. “I thought you didn’t want to date me.”

“You said the same thing.”

“Yeah, I guess I did and I had good reason for saying that.”

“What we’ve been doing,” Brian began, “is like dating?”

Justin struggled not to laugh at the nervousness in Brian’s voice and controlled himself not to jump for joy too soon. “Uhm, yeah. I guess it is.”

“Then tomorrow, I’ll pick you up at seven. We’ll go do… something.”

Justin didn’t want to ruin it, but he had to be sure that Brian knew what he was getting into. Spending time together as friends had never come with the prearranged definition of a ‘date’, so there were no expectations of a future with them as a couple. Justin had wanted it, he wanted to show Brian that they could be a couple, but still, he wasn’t too sure it would be possible. But he was more than willing to give it a chance. “Brian, you realize that if you date me it means more than just two friends going to the movies together, right?”

Brian glared. “Of course I fucking know that.”

“And just because we go on a couple of dates, it doesn’t mean I’m going to sleep with you,” he added.

Brian sighed with great annoyance, “Just don’t expect me to stop putting out for my other ‘dates’.”

“I can live with that.” Justin’s heart swelled and he smiled brightly before hugging Brian and kissing his cheek. “I’ll see you tomorrow at seven.”

“See ya,” Brian replied, running his hand through Justin’s hair before the younger man stepped out of the elevator.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“What took you so long to get here?” Justin asked, grabbing Daphne’s arm and pulling her inside the hotel room.

“I left my date to come here,” Daphne replied, shaking off Justin’s grip.

“You didn’t really wanna go out with that guy anyway,” Justin reminded her.

“He’s housing you in a palace!” Daphne screeched as she walked down the entry hall and into the living room of the suite.

“He isn’t ‘housing’ me,” Justin griped, “and this is barely a palace.”

“It’s practically a penthouse suite.” Daphne walked over to the large bank of windows and looked outside at the deck. “It is the penthouse suite, isn’t it?”

Justin grinned sheepishly. “Brian does advertising for the hotel chain and this room is one of the bonuses in the contract.”

“Why haven’t I met Brian?” Daphne asked. “Ooh a bar!”

“Make me a double,” Justin requested as Daphne grabbed the bottle of Beam. “You haven’t met Brian because you’ve been too obsessed with ‘speed dating’.”

Daphne passed Justin his drink before taking a gulp of her own. “I’m not doing that anymore. I mean, I’ve been doing the ‘speed dating’ for like two years now and I’ve only gotten one semi-decent serious relationship out of it. Enough about me; tell me what the fuck happened with you and Brian.”

“He asked me out,” Justin revealed, “and I said yes.”

“Didn’t you say that Brian is a self-centered commitment-phobe and a notorious slut?”

Justin’s eyes widened in shock. “Were those my exact words?”

“Yes, darling,” Daphne said softly.

“Well, I guess that is true.”

“So why did you say yes if all he wants is to sleep with you?”

“That isn’t all he wants,” Justin replied confidently. “I know it sounds strange but I think with me it isn’t like that.”

Daphne gave Justin a look of disbelief. “I know you two spend a lot of time together, but do you really think you know him well enough to believe that?”

Justin shrugged. “I want to believe him.”

“Just because you want to, doesn’t mean you should.”

“You’re probably right,” Justin said, “but when I voiced my concerns, he was so… so different.”

“Different?”

Justin took a seat on a bar stool and held his glass out for Daphne to pour him another shot. “I can’t explain it.”

“Well, I want to meet him.”

“We’ll see,” Justin mumbled. “He’s met my mom, Tucker and Molly, so I doubt you’ll scare him off.”

Daphne smirked. “Whatever you say, dear, whatever you say.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“What the fuck? Of course he knew I was serious!”

“Calm down,” Michael said, passing the joint back to his friend. “I meant, does he know you’re serious about him?”

“I’m not planning on fucking marrying him,” Brian replied, giving his friend a horrified look before continuing, “dating isn’t even that serious.”

“But it is,” Michael contradicted. “Believe me, to him it is.”

“The way you and Lindsay go on about Justin and what he wants, needs or thinks, you’d think that it was you who’d been dating him for the last month!”

Michael coughed on the inhale of smoke. Eyes watering, mouth dry he asked, “So you admit that you have been dating him for the last month and that you were in denial the whole fucking time?”

“Well…”

“No wonder he was pissed at you! He had every right to be!”

Brian grabbed the joint from Michael and elbowed him. “Would you shut the fuck up? We weren’t actually dating. It’s just as I fucking told you it was. My fucking point is that if anyone knows what Justin thinks, needs or wants, it’s me.”

Michael raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Well, Brian I wish you luck and for both of your sakes’, I hope you’re right about that.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Brian wasn’t sure why he had thought dating Justin was a good idea. He found himself thinking about ‘breaking up’ with him almost every hour. Then, Justin would say something completely hilarious or do something so sexy, that Brian would become so captivated, he’d practically forget his own name; and all thoughts of putting a stop on their dating would dissolve for the next sixty minutes.

This cycle left Brian feeling out of control but not so much that it bothered him. In truth, it was quite the opposite; he welcomed the occasional leap into enraptured insanity. The give and take between him and Justin felt natural and his occasional annoyance at how happy he felt about being with Justin rarely stole any of the fun. After a handful of ‘official’ dates with the blond, Brian had no choice but to admit that Justin made a lot of the shit he hated about dating, obsolete. He decided he liked dating Justin Taylor.

Justin playfully kicked Brian’s foot under the table. “Hey.”

Brian jumped in his chair and narrowed his eyes at Justin. “That’s not the kind of ‘footsie’ I approve of.”

Justin laughed. “You suddenly went spacey. Don’t make me go all hetero and ask you what you were thinking about, Brian. Just tell me that I’m boring the shit out of you.”

“You weren’t boring me.”

“Good.” Justin concluded happily. “I don’t think I’m going to get dessert,” he said, placing his napkin on his plate. “What do you want to do after this?”

Brian smirked, thinking about how Justin had proven his previous thought right. Instead of bitching about him ‘daydreaming’ and ignoring whatever the fuck it was Justin had been talking about, he let it drop and changed the subject. “Everywhere we’ve gone I’ve been the one to choose. Why don’t you pick somewhere?”

“Everywhere we’ve gone has been places you’ve chosen because you knew I’d like them.” Justin smiled and his cheeks turned pink. “Why don’t we go somewhere you want to go?”

Brian checked his watch. “I think it’s too early for any of those places.”

“Oh, come on. There has to be something you like to do that doesn’t involve Babylon or Woody’s.”

Brian bit his lip and raised one eyebrow.

“Or the baths,” Justin added, laughing.

Brian thought for a moment and considered going to see Gus. He was due an extra visit and it would make Justin and Gus happy to see one another but it was almost Gus’ bedtime and he didn’t want to bear the munchers’ wrath nor their annoying pestering once they realized that he’d been out on a date with Justin. Finally, an idea hit him. “All right,” he said, raising his hand to signal for the check, “I know where we can go.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Well, it was this or the gym,” Brian deadpanned.

Justin jumped up and down and hugged Brian. “This is awesome!”

“Have you ever played laser tag?”

“Once when I was a kid, but I wasn’t very good at it.”

“I’ll go easy on you,” Brian offered. He turned Justin around and clipped the vest straps together.

“You don’t have to go easy on me.”

“I took Michael here every year for his birthday until I started college. I’m pretty good.”

“You may have experience but I have youth on my side,” Justin teased. He looked down at himself and then up and down Brian’s body. “Though I have to admit, you look so much better in this than I do. You look like a natural born superhero.”

Brian grinned. “No wonder Michael didn’t complain about me taking him here.”

Justin grabbed his laser gun, pointed it at Brian’s crotch, and made a ‘zoom’ noise. “Target cited, ready to engage.”

“You’re such a dork.” Brian grabbed Justin by the elbow and pulled him toward the entrance to the dark maze. “If you get lost or scared feel free to surrender and I’ll help you find your way out, Goldilocks.”

“Just for that, I’m totally going to go commando on you the moment you come in,” Justin warned, disappearing behind the black curtain entrance.

Brian snickered to himself at Justin’s choice of words, his mind envisioned Justin ‘going commando’ and that was all that his neglected dick needed to betray his better sense and become hard as a rock.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So you are actually dating him,” Lindsay said, waving Brian inside her house. “But you didn’t bring him.”

“He’s working,” Brian explained. He knew that he’d have to face the music at some point, but he’d hoped that his son’s presence would save him. “Where is Gus?”

“He’s changing into a pair of clean shorts; he got dirty helping me in the garden this morning.”

“Gus, hurry up!” Brian yelled up the stairs.

“Oh, stop being so anxious to leave,” Lindsay said, pulling Brian into the kitchen with her. “Tell me what happened to change your mind. I hear that almost every night this week you’ve been taking Justin out.”

“Not every night.” They hadn’t done anything on Tuesday because Justin had previous plans with Trent. Brian had no idea what the status on Trent and Justin’s relationship actually was and, truth be told, he didn’t want to know. It wasn’t as though Justin asked him about the men he fucked after their dates.

“So where did you take him last night?”

“You don’t actually think I’m going to start gossiping with you now, do you? Just because I’ve gone on a couple of dates with Justin doesn’t mean I’ve turned into a lesbian.”

Lindsay huffed and smiled proudly. “So you finally figured that out, did you?”

“Shut the fuck up,” Brian griped.

“Brian, come on, just tell me about one of them. Pleeeeease? Where’d you take him? Did you have fun? Did he have fun? Have you taken him to the movies? Come on, come on, come on, tell me.”

“Fuck. No.”

Lindsay pouted. “You’re no fun and neither is Justin.”

Brian grinned, realizing that Justin hadn’t divulged any details when he’d gone to see Lindsay at the gallery yesterday. “We don’t need to tell you anything because it’s none of your fucking business.”

“But…but…”

“But…but…” Brian teased. “No matter what I told you, even if it was the most insignificant thing, you’d be calling the rest of the family and you guys would have us marching down the aisle in matching Vera Wangs…”

“Who’s marchin’?” Gus asked, walking into the kitchen.

“Me and you.” Brian said, walking toward his son. He dropped a kiss on his head and headed toward the door. “Come on, Gus. We’ve got to march our asses out of here before Mommy tries to torture me for information.”

Gus laughed at his father, not exactly understanding what he was talking about, but whenever that happened, it was usually something that was supposed to be funny, especially if he used a curse word. “Okay, Dada.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Justin ran his hands over his chest and pulled at the hem of the tank top. “Do you think this is too tight?”

Discreetly, Daphne wiped away the drool that formed in the corner of her mouth and cleared her throat. “Hmm?”

Justin surveyed himself in the full-length mirror and repeated, “Do you think this shirt is too tight?”

“It’s meant to be tight, isn’t it?” Daphne asked.

Justin shrugged. “I guess it is; it’s not like I picked it out.”

“Well, I think the man who picked it out wanted it to fit just like that.”

Justin regarded Daphne in the mirror and noticed her biting her lip. “What aren’t you saying? Do you think I look slutty?”

Daphne giggled, “I’ve just never seen you dress like this. You look hot!”

“So you don’t normally think I’m hot?” Justin asked.

“Oh, stop fishing for compliments. You always look hot, this is different, it’s….” she searched for the right word but couldn’t find one.

“Slutty?” Justin filled in, softly laughing as he said it.

“Desirable,” Daphne corrected firmly. “I’m sure Brian will approve.”

“Well, he bought it for me, so I’m sure he will. But, I think I’m going to change into something else.”

“Why?” Daphne asked, hopping up from her chair. “Looking desirable isn’t exactly a bad thing.”

Justin turned to face Daphne and held her eyes. “You know why it’s not a good thing.”

“Oh, come on. I’m sure no matter what you’ve worn on every date you’ve been on, he’s found you desirable.”

“I know you’re right, but this,” Justin ran his hands from his shoulders down to his hips, “is me teasing him.” He’d previously made a vow not to knowingly tease Brian anymore.

“You’re not going to tease him forever, are you?”

“God, I don’t fucking know!” Justin threw his hands up in the air, walked over to the bed and threw himself backward onto it. “I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing with him.”

“You’re going to go to Woody’s and then go dancing.” Daphne fell onto the bed beside Justin and turned her face to look at him so they were nose to nose. “So, out of all the dates you two have been on, he still hasn’t tried anything with you?”

“Not even a kiss.” Justin abruptly sat up and put his face in his hands. “I think I scared him off.”

“Not quite yet,” Daphne joked, but they both knew she was serious. “I think he must really like you and he’s waiting for you to make the first move because he doesn’t want to fuck things up.”

“I’ve totally fucked myself over,” Justin laughed, lying back down beside Daphne. “I have to fix it. I have to just…”

*knock, knock, knock*

Justin looked over at the clock and gasped, “Holy shit! It’s already eight!”

Daphne giggled as she watched Justin practically fly off the bed and head toward the bathroom. “Well at least now you can’t change.”

“Go answer the door while I fix my hair.”

“Something tells me our roles should be reversed,” Daphne teased. She walked out of the bedroom and headed toward the door, preparing herself to meet the man she was sure her best friend had fallen for.

*knock, knock, knock*

“I’m coming,” Daphne called out. “Someone is impatient,” she mumbled before opening the door.

“You must be Daphne?” Brian accessed in a smooth drawl.

Daphne stepped backward and gripped the side of the door. “Uhhuh.” She wasn’t the most eloquent person in the world when faced with the most gorgeous man she’d ever laid eyes on, which was no surprise.

“Brian Kinney, nice to meet you.” He held his hand out and took Daphne’s limp one in his own.

“You…too, Brian.”

“So, can I come in?” he asked.

Daphne wiped the drool away from the corner of her lip. “Sure…yeah, uh… come in,” she stuttered, making room for Brian to enter the hotel suite. She shut the door behind him and followed Brian into the living area. “He’s still getting ready but he’ll be out in a minute.”

“Is he freaking out about his clothing or his hair?” Brian asked, taking a seat on the sofa.

Daphne laughed. “His clothes, he’s doing his hair right now.”

Brian nodded. “So is he wearing the purple, gray or black tank?” He knew quite a few of the tops he’d chosen were skin-tight and he’d suggested to Justin that he wear one for the occasion tonight.

“You’ll just have to wait and see,” Daphne replied, getting a hold of her desire for her best friend’s date. “You won’t be disappointed.”

Brian bit his lip, staving off the words, ‘he never could’. “Justin said you’re studying to be an English teacher?”

“Unlike Justin who has always known that he wanted to be an artist, it took me a year enrolled in college before I realized what I really wanted to do with my life. If I hadn’t changed my major, I would’ve graduated last month like him. It sucked that my last day this year of student teaching was the same day as his graduation.”

“I’m ready,” Justin announced walking into the living room.

Brian turned to face Justin and swallowed the spit that instantly formed in his mouth from the mouth-watering image before him.

“Ooh la la,” Daphne teased, “look at you.”

Justin tucked his hands into the back pockets of his jeans and gave Brian a shy smile. “Does this look as good as you thought it would when you picked it out?”

Brian smiled and nodded, speechless.

“You weren’t too hard on him?” Justin asked, sure that Daphne had been grilling Brian.

“I was nice!” Daphne defended with a laugh. “Wasn’t I, Brian?”

Brian finally snapped out of the dirty fantasies plaguing his mind and replied, “A perfect lady.”

Daphne grinned. “However, that doesn’t mean I won’t kick your ass if you fuck around with my best friend.”

Brian snorted. “Noted.”

Justin grabbed Brian’s arm and asked, “So you’re sure I look all right? I don’t look too slutty, do I?”

“You’ll have men falling over themselves for a chance to get in your pants,” Brian said, appraising Justin once more.

Justin smiled nervously, “Oh.”

“But you’ll keep him safe, right?” Daphne gave Brian a firm look.

Brian couldn’t imagine letting Justin out of his sight looking the way he did tonight. He gave Daphne an affirmative nod. “Boy Scout’s Honor.”

“And remember, he’s allergic to Rosemary so he can’t have Spiced Rum.”

“I know, he’s told me,” Brian said.

“Oh, come on,” Justin groaned. “You two are acting like I’m an invalid. I can take care of myself. I’m probably not going to drink anything but pop or water.”

Brian laughed. “And wine at dinner, I hope.”

“Well that goes without saying,” Justin agreed, smiling.

“Well, I’m gonna go,” Daphne said. “Call me tomorrow?”

“I will.” Justin gave Daphne a hug.

“Have fun tonight,” Daphne spoke, walking toward the door, Justin trailing behind her.

“We will,” Brian replied for the both of them, his eyes glued to Justin’s ass. Why he had bought him a pair of jeans that would accentuate his ass and inevitably taunt him all night was beyond him. As Justin closed the door behind Daphne, he took the opportunity to readjust his throbbing cock. It was going to be a long, long night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twice, Justin almost came in his pants on the dance floor of Babylon. He’d drank almost a bottle of wine at dinner and that left him loopy and relaxed enough to drink two beers at Woody’s. When they reached Babylon and Brian led him to the dance floor, his body was thrumming with energy and he felt every beat of the music. Other than the two dances he joined Emmett in, he remained pressed against Brian’s body, grinding against his heat and enjoying every moment.

Brian had been peppering kisses along his neck when the guilt crept into Justin’s mind and immediately Justin separated himself from Brian, claiming that he needed a bathroom break. When he returned from the bathroom, he found Brian leaning against the bar, drinking a bottle of water, his eyes watching him as he moved closer. Justin felt like he was the only man in the room, and as he stepped up beside Brian, he realized that tonight, to Brian, he was.

The problem was, he felt the same way and it wasn’t right, not when he was leading Brian on when there would most likely be no future between them. It was a sobering thought and he was happy when Brian asked if he wanted to ‘get out of here’. Justin had urgently nodded his head, because it was time, past time, to tell Brian the truth. Of course, once Brian and he made it into his hotel room, Brian immediately thought it was for any reason other than to talk.

Brian pushed Justin against the door, effectively closing it behind him. “You want me to fuck you?” he asked in a throaty whisper.

Everything inside of Justin screamed ‘yes’ and as Brian licked along his collarbone, an almost unstoppable desire spiraled through his body. He wanted to grab Brian’s hair and force his mouth to meet his own so he could finally experience how it felt to passionately kiss a man. He wanted Brian to be his first for everything, he wanted it so fucking bad he ached with it every moment he was around him or thought about him. However, reality crashed through the lustful spell he and Brian were under and Justin knew that he had to stop it all now. He didn’t want to know what it would be like to kiss Brian when it would possibly be the only thing they’d share together. The caresses and kisses marking other areas of his body would take long enough to fade.

Justin slid out of the tiny space between Brian and the door and pushed away the need he felt to just say ‘yes’ to Brian. “I do, but we can’t.”

Brian turned around and followed Justin into the living area, his dick aching as he walked. “The whole ‘hard-to-get’ angle is getting a little old, Justin.”

“I didn’t take you up here so that you could try to seduce me.” Justin said, facing Brian again. He tried to not be angry about the cards he’d been dealt. He was usually so optimistic that he didn’t dwell on the things he couldn’t change, but right now, he couldn’t ignore the anger bubbling inside of him. It felt like something really was punishing him and he wished he could rectify whatever it was he’d done.

“I don’t have to try to seduce anyone.” Brian caught the frustration and anger in Justin’s tone and it unnerved him more than the words had. He shouldn’t have to try at all. Justin was supposed to want him, it wasn’t supposed to be hard anymore. He’d proven that he wasn’t going to turn tail and run after they fucked, so he didn’t get why Justin sounded so upset.

“Right. Well you have been trying. Or at least you’ve wanted to seduce me. For months, you’ve wanted to get in my pants. That’s what all these dates have been about, haven’t they?”

Brian would never tell Justin that he’d wanted to get in his pants since the moment he saw him walk into the diner months ago. Sure, the dates had been sort of to lure Justin into giving up his sure-to-be tight ass. He got that right. But they’d also been about something else he couldn’t pinpoint. “I told you that it wasn’t. What the fuck is wrong with you? I’ve shown you that I want…” Brian couldn’t speak the word ‘more’.

“Then what have you been doing, Brian? What do you want from me?” Justin didn’t know why he was doing it, but he couldn’t control himself. All the anger he felt he was turning on Brian.

“I’ve just been trying to figure you out,” Brian admitted. “You’re,” he drew his lips into his mouth and searched for the right word, “intriguing. We have fun.” He wanted to have more fun, if only he could get Justin to relax and stop being so uptight. He’d been in a weird mood all night but this sudden urge to talk when they should already be fucking was annoying the shit out of him.

Justin collapsed onto his sofa and looked up at Brian, who was making it impossibly difficult to quell the desire he felt for him by giving him a nervous, boyish expression. Justin hated himself even more as he realized how patient the man was trying to be while he was acting like a bi-polar freak. He realized that he couldn’t do it, he couldn’t have the talk with Brian. It would be easier if Brian left and they stopped being friends all together. He’d never have to explain a thing then. “Please, just go. Okay?” He was a coward, he knew that but he couldn’t find it in him to tell Brian now. He’d fucked it all up accusing Brian and making it seem as though it were Brian’s fault.

Brian wasn’t just going to leave, he wanted Justin too much, even if he lost a little of his pride in the process. “You just want me to leave? What the fuck happened between Babylon and here? What aren’t you telling me?” He wondered if he’d moved too fast tonight and kicked himself as he realized how stupid that sounded. He’d been playing cat and mouse with Justin for far too long. The fact that he actually worried about moving ‘too fast’, which let’s face it, wasn’t an expression that actually existed in his world, told him two things. One, he was acting like a lesbian and two; he was acting like a hurt lesbian. Fuck that! “Talk to me, Justin! I’m not just going to turn tail and run. Tell me what the fuck is going on. Do you want me or not?”

“You don’t get it.” Justin placed his hand over his erection that had yet to waver and pulsed in reaction to the rumble in Brian’s voice.

“You’re right, I don’t get it!” Brian yelled in frustration. “We haven’t even kissed, do you realize that? We’ve been on countless ‘dates’ and you touch me and rub against me and get me harder than I’ve ever been and then you say it’s time to go home and that’s that. Then, you fucking spend time with that Trent fucker and give him… what I should have.”

“Trent is my friend,” Justin protested. “That’s all. I haven’t given him or anyone anything! Especially not what I wish I could give you.”

“Then why won’t you? Have you just been dicking me around? Lure ‘Kinney the slut’ into breaking all his rules? Is that your game?”

“It isn’t a fucking game, it was really never a game,” Justin said. “I wanted to kiss you but I knew that would lead to me feeling things for you that I didn’t want to feel. I didn’t want to feel anything for you until...”

“How nice of you,” Brian spat, interrupting Justin. “To think I thought it was me that didn’t want this, but it was you.”

Justin wanted to scream, he wasn’t explaining himself at all. “I’d love to say, ‘yes, fuck me’, but I can’t. It’s not,” he paused and settled on, “healthy.”

Brian’s anger dissipated in seconds and fear spread through his body as he walked closer to Justin. He let out a deep breath as he squatted in front of him, ran his hand up his leg gently and asked, “Why not? Do you have… are you positive? Because… if that’s what it is, we can be careful.”

Justin held Brian’s hand and squeezed it, his heart thumping in his chest. “God no. But that’s one of the reasons why I can’t.”

Brian took a seat beside Justin, confusion lacing his features. “I don’t understand,” he admitted, “we both want it, but you won’t let yourself…”

“I can’t let myself,” Justin interrupted. “I don’t expect you to understand. You couldn’t. You’ve always been able to go after who you want, slap on a condom, fuck the guy and then leave, no problem.”

Brian felt his anger rising again as he wondered if Justin was one of those men that was afraid of anal sex and wouldand would only participate in frottage. “Look. You fucking know that if that’s all we were doing…”

“I’m not going to have sex until I get married,” Justin blurted out.

Brian’s mouth fell open as he processed what Justin had just said. As the realization hit him, he started laughing and propelled himself to stand. He could not believe that Justin had done this to him. “You’ve got to be kidding me! Wanting to hang out, maybe even become fuck buddies with someone is one thing. But you’ve got some hetero dream of finding your one and only! Well I hate to break it to ya, kid, but that’s not ever going to happen. You’re a fag and you’re never going to find another fag that’ll wanna live your hetero dream life.” Brian paused and laughed. “Mikey and Ben might wanna be Stepford queers, but what you’re looking for is way past that realm of bullshit. You ought to just go back to Breedersville and find yourself a little girl…”

Justin stood up and closed the distance between them, practically slamming his chest against Brian’s as he yelled, “You think I don’t know that would be easier? You think that I actually believe it’ll be easy to find one person who will accept me for who I am, love me and want to make a commitment to me, all without finding out how tight my ass is? You think that I actually believe it’ll be simple? Because I don’t! I know it’s going to be hard. Fuck! I know that it may never happen, but fuck you if you think that after all the time we’ve spent together you think I’m some breeder wannabe. I want cock, Brian. I want to know what it tastes like. I want to know what it feels like inside of me. I want to know what it feels like to be kissed, touched and fucked by a man. I want it so bad it’s all I can think about some days; it’s hard to think of anything else when I see you. When I know you want me. But I’m never going to be a normal fag. I can’t risk my life just for an orgasm. And I’m definitely not going to risk my life to make some asshole like you happy.”

“That was a nice speech,” Brian said. “Have you had that planned from the moment you agreed to go on a date with me? Is this your big fuck you to the ‘Slut of Liberty Avenue’?”

“Oh god,” Justin stepped back and turned in a circle before facing Brian once again. “You have such a huge ego. Me being celibate has nothing to do with you. And in case you forgot, you’ve been pursuing me as much as I pursued you.”

“I haven’t forgotten,” Brian bitched, “believe me!”

“At first, I wasn’t getting into whatever this is with us with the intention of anything serious happening. I’ve always known that you wouldn’t be the one, you wouldn’t’ fall in love with me and you wouldn’t compromise your lifestyle to even begin to find out if you could. But I can’t compromise my life, either. I’m an asshole for not telling you before and I know you might not forgive me for not telling you the truth. I have no excuse, because I should’ve told you.”

“Told me what? You’re still not telling me shit!”

“I’m allergic to latex, polyisoprene and polyurethane. Which means, any condoms that protect against HIV could cause me to have an anaphylactic reaction. And that’s just from it touching my skin, I have no idea what would happen if it was actually inside my body and I bet that it’d be even worse. So yeah, I’m waiting until I can be with someone I trust, someone who is ‘the one’, because if I wouldn’t believe in ‘the one’, then that would make what all homophobes believe to be true.”

Brian was speechless. He tried to place his hand comfortingly on Justin’s arm but the blond shook him away.

“I wish I was straight because yes, it might be easier. But I have to believe that there will be a day that I’ll find someone that will want to be with me only. I have to believe that. I’ve done my research and the only way that I can have safe sex is if we do it raw. I’m not an idiot; I couldn’t just do that with just anyone so I have to hope that I’ll meet a man who will wait for me, fall in love with me and commit to me for life. I knew that you wouldn’t be that person, that you couldn’t be that person, so I’m sorry, I’m sorry for leading you on. But I couldn’t help it, Brian. I like you more than I ever thought that I would.”

Brian was struggling to understand what Justin was telling him and he wanted to say something, do something, but he was in complete shock. Of all the excuses he thought Justin would come up with to explain himself, he hadn’t imagined this one.

“My father told me that this was a punishment to me, that it was proof that I wasn’t meant to be gay and it was a punishment to any unnatural thoughts I’d ever had for men. I know that it’d be a little easier if I was straight, but I still wouldn’t be able to have sex with a woman and risk getting her pregnant or getting a disease. Either way, I’d have to be in a lifelong commitment. I tried to tell him that, but he didn’t want to hear it. He thinks that all my allergies are God’s way of punishing me.”

Justin’s father’s reaction hit home for Brian. “That’s what my mother told me about my cancer,” Brian said, the words tumbling out of his mouth before he could stop them.

“What?” Justin asked, worriedly.

“I had cancer and when my mother found out she told me it was God punishing me for being gay.”

“But it’s not,” Justin said firmly. He placed his hands on top of Brian’s and looked at him with a sorrowful expression. “I know that what I’ve done is horrible, Brian. I know you want me and I want you too, but it won’t ever happen with us. I know I don’t deserve to ask for your forgiveness for not telling you sooner, because I was leading you on. For a few weeks I let myself believe that it could happen between us, but I know that’s not possible. You and I want different things in our lives.”

Brian fought with the uncomfortable feelings creeping around inside him and gave into the one that was in the forefront of his mind. “I’ll call you,” he announced, jumping up from the sofa.

Tears clouded Justin’s vision as he watched Brian quickly bolt from the couch and heard the door to the suite close seconds later. He was about to lose it and go into a self-pitying hole when Brian’s parting words entered his mind again. He was almost afraid to believe them but he figured that at this point, he had nothing left to lose. He would wait for Brian to call.