Point of View
Chapter Eleven: “Personal Holloway”
Tuesday, July 24th 2007
Justin’s Point of View
I tune my weaker eye
Spit white
Hold the world up all day
She’s blue in the face again
Paracetomol
“Thanks for letting me stay last night.”
“You can show your thanks by helping me fold this laundry,” I reply to Molly, pointing to one of the five baskets of laundry.
She winces and picks up one of Audrey’s yellow dresses. “I don’t have to fold your and Brian’s underwear, do I?”
I laugh. “Just stick to that basket; it’s all the girls’ things.” I grab one of the small purple hangers from the rack and hand it to her. “Evvie and Audrey’s dresses and shirts get hung up. We put the dresses for Audrey on the purple hangers, shirts on the yellow ones. Evvie’s dresses on the pink, shirts hang up on the light blue.”
“I never thought you’d be so organized. Your room was always so messy,” Molly observes.
“Did my house in Chicago look messy when you visited?” I ask.
“It wasn’t as clean as this house is,” Molly replies, placing the dress on the bar above the washer and dryer, in between Leighton’s shirts.
“Hang it up at the end,” I correct her. “By the rest of her clothes.”
“Right,” she says hotly.
“Look,” I tell her. “You don’t have to help me. Brian’s in the kitchen making breakfast. You can go help him.”
“That’s okay,” Molly replies and gives me small smile. “You need help in here. How long did you let this laundry pile up anyway?”
“This is all from the last three days,” I tell her. “That’s why I have to be so organized, Molly,” I explain. “With three kids and all of their activities, accidents and grass stains, I have to keep up with it. It’s going to be even crazier around here once the twins are born. This way I can have the kids help with chores too. The kids know exactly what is theirs and where to put it; it’ll make it easier once the twins are born.
“Mom did that with our clothes,” Molly says sadly. “I remember now, that was one of our chores. When I went to live with Dad and Catherine we had a housekeeper that took care of everything.”
“Brian wanted to get a housekeeper too,” I tell her.
“Well, you could definitely afford it. He’s riiiich! Especially after Griffin’s life insurance policy. No wonder why you’re with him.”
“You did not just say that, Molly,” I hiss in a whisper, tearing the shirt away from her hands. “Brian’s never touched a dime of that money. It’s for the kids, Molly. His hard work at Kinnetik made him wealthy. That’s why instead of working full-time, I only work part-time at the gallery. That leaves me time to spend with the kids, who as I’m sure you know need to be with us as much as possible. I enjoy being here, taking care of my children, even if that includes cleaning up puke, washing soiled linens and folding a dozen loads of laundry a week. I’m not with Brian because he’s rich, Molly. I’m with him because I love him and because we have a wonderful family. But if every time you’re around us you’re going to poke fun at us or make innuendos, then you don’t need to be a part of my family.”
“Justin, I’m sorry,” she says quickly, her eyes watering. “I never should’ve said that. I want to be a part of your family. I do. I just… I’ve been feeling so weird. Justin, the reason I came home is because Dad…”
“I don’t want to hear about Craig,” I interrupt, stepping back a little and picking up another t-shirt to fold. “I’m too stressed out as it is and it’s not good for me to be.”
“Besides the baby and stuff, what are you stressed out about?”
“We’re going to family therapy this morning. That’s why we all had to get up early.” I look at the clock on the laundry room wall. “Shit, I need to go get in the shower or I’m going to be late.”
“Well, I can finish this.”
“You sure you want to?”
“Sure, but what about Brian’s clothes? I know he’s a queen about his stuff.”
I laugh because it’s so true. “Everything of ours can be folded; he puts it all away anyway. Anything that goes on hangers of ours is at the dry cleaners so you don’t have to worry about that. However, there is our underwear.”
Molly scrunches her face up at me. “Well, how about I just leave that stuff in a basket?”
“That’s fine,” I say. “Thanks for the help, Molly.”
“You’re welcome,” she says, smiling at me. “You know, I don’t mind spending some more time here to help you out.”
I’m pretty surprised she’d even suggest this. “Aren’t you going back home?”
“Not for a while. At least not until the baby is born,” she tells me.
“Babies,” I remind her.
“Right,” she grins. “So what do you say? I promise not to be a bitch.”
“You’d rather stay with us than with Mom?”
“Well, she’s hardly ever home now that she and Frank are dating. Besides, I’d really like to spend time with my nieces and nephew.”
“Really?” I ask, feeling like there is another motive.
“Really. I wouldn’t mind babysitting while you and Brian are at work, too. Daphne’s going to have her baby soon and she probably won’t be able to take care of them when she does.”
“Yeah, well I figured I’d take my leave from work at that point,” I reply. “I’ll have to talk to Brian about it first.”
She groans. “He hates me; he’s going to say no.”
I laugh. “You really don’t know Brian, do you?”
“No, I guess not.”
“Then don’t say he hates you, Molly. Brian has always loved you. You were his little sister as much mine. You’re the one that didn’t want to believe that.”
“Daddy!” Leighton yells, running into the laundry room.
“Hey, aren’t you supposed to be helping Dada make breakfast?”
“I am, Daddy. But Audrey is being so cute. You have to see her.”
“Okay,” I tell him, kissing his cheek. Really, he has no idea how cute he is by saying that.
“Come on, Daddy!” he takes my hand and drags me down the hall to the kitchen.
Brian and Evelyn are standing in front of Audrey’s high chair. Brian turns to me and smiles. “Look at her, Justin.”
Audrey is covered in what looks like bananas and rice cereal. She’s opening her mouth and blowing bubbles with the baby food, laughing loud and hard. “Dada! Dada!” she giggles.
“You are very cute,” I say, walking over to her and kissing her forehead. “But you’re a huge mess.”
“I couldn’t help but let her get messy,” Brian defends, laughing.
I kiss his mouth and mutter, “Then I can’t help but say that you’ll be the one that helps her get clean.”
***
Brian’s Point of View
“Daddy, we had fun!” Evelyn says, rushing over to Justin and hugging him.
“That’s great, Evvie! Can I see your picture?”
“It’s of you and me!” Evvie says, showing Justin the coloring page.
“It’s beautiful,” Justin tells her.
“It is, Evvie,” I agree, kissing her head.
The therapist, Mira, carries Audrey in her arms and Leighton is trailing behind her, looking solemn. “Everyone did wonderful today,” Mira says. “But Leighton didn’t feel like painting today.”
Leighton presses himself up against Justin’s side, looking down at the floor. “I don’t like painting with anyone but Daddy.”
“You painted at school in art class,” Justin says gently.
“I wanna go now,” Leighton whispers, looking as though he’s about to cry. “I want to go, Daddy.”
Mira looks at both Justin and I. “Can I speak with you two alone?”
“Can you sit here with your sisters while Dada and I go talk to Mira, Leighton?” Justin asks.
“Fine,” Leighton grumbles, sitting down in the waiting room chair.
I place Audrey in her stroller and Justin and I walk a few feet away from them with Mira.
“Did you two have a progressive session with Dr. Knight?” Mira whispers.
“Yes,” I answer, but I don’t want to talk about us. “What’s going on with Leighton?”
“In the last two sessions he’s made a lot of progress talking to me, but today he seemed really blocked. Did anything happen at home that might have made him angry?”
“No,” Justin says quickly.
“He was happy until we came here today,” I add.
“Next week during our family therapy time, I’d like to schedule things a little different. I want only Brian and Leighton to come in. I can talk to Dr. Knight and reschedule your appointment with him,” Mira says.
“Why do you only want to see us?” I ask her.
“Do the both of you ever do anything alone?” she asks, not answering my question.
“Of course we do. We play games and…”
“And I’m sure that makes him really happy?”
“Of course it does,” Justin tells her. “Leighton has always loved Brian. Finding out that he’s his biological father hasn’t changed anything.”
“I think it has,” Mira responds softly, “which is why I want to see the two of them alone. Of course, it’s up to you as his parents; what you feel would be best for him is what we’ll do.”
“What do you want to do?” I ask Justin.
“Let’s do as she asks, Brian. She wants what’s best for our children, just as we do,” he tells me, grabbing my hand.
“Okay,” I agree. “We’ll see you next week, Mira.”
“Thank you, Brian. I really do think after next week you’ll see why I’m asking this.”
“We ready yet?” Leighton calls us. “Audrey has a poopy diaper!”
“We’re ready,” Justin tells him. “Thanks, Mira.”
“You’re very welcome. I think Evvie did great, and I look forward to seeing all of you the week after next, Justin.”
Justin and I turn and walk back over to our kids. I can smell Audrey as soon as we reach them. “Oh, Justin. This one is yours,” I tell him.
Justin smiles and rolls his eyes.
“I’ll help you, Daddy,” Leighton says empathetically.
“That’s okay,” Justin says, pushing the stroller toward the bathroom. “You can stay with Dada.”
“No,” Leighton whines, tears filling his hazel eyes. “I wanna go with you.”
“Okay buddy,” Justin says worriedly. “You can come with me.”
“I’ll pull the car up to the front then,” I tell him.
“I love you, Daddy,” I hear Leighton whisper as he grabs Justin’s arm as they walk.
“Shit,” I mutter. Leighton is definitely not okay.
“I’ll stay with you, Dada,” Evvie says as though to comfort me.
***
Leighton’s mood seemed to improve the moment he got into the car. He became his normal, happy self once again. I know that when I had to see the therapists as a kid, I didn’t like it. Sometimes they wanted me to talk about stuff that I didn’t want to talk about and it made me feel even worse. I’m afraid that it’s the same thing for him. My biggest fear is that I’m going to fuck up my children’s lives as much as my parents…
“Dada, can I get the Hannah Montana backpack?” Evvie asks.
“I want Star Wars!” Leighton says.
“Can he get the Star Wars one?” Justin asks me.
“He can get whatever one he wants,” I answer. “Mom got me the first backpack I ever had that was new,” I say, recalling the specific one. “It was Star Wars, Return of The Jedi.”
“Clone Wars is definitely not Return of the Jedi,” Justin whispers into my ear so that Leighton won’t hear the distaste he has for….
Shit.
I can’t move. I need to move. But my fucking body isn’t listening, it’s like all the blood my heart is suddenly pumping so quickly through my body is weighing me down.
“Brian, are you okay?” Justin asks me, waving his hand in front of my face.
Finally I snap out of it and my body propels the shopping cart into the next isle.
“Wee!” Audrey yells and claps her hands from the cart’s quick movements.
“Brian!” Justin yells after me, following me from the outside aisle.
“Come here, guys,” I speak, panicking no matter how much I try not to. I grab Leighton and Evvie’s hands when they don’t listen quickly enough and pull them into the aisle with us too.
“Dada!” Leighton grumbles. “What are you doing?”
“I wanted Hannah,” Evelyn whines, stomping her foot.
“Brian, what’s going on?” Justin asks me and then looks around us trying to figure out my frantic dash into this aisle.
Sleep the darkness all away
And drinking kitchen paint
To dye the winter
I hope we’ll never see again
Deaf and dumb with the lights on
Deaf and dumb with the lights on
“My… J…Joan, and Claire… they’re headed this way,” I whisper, pulling him toward me and the kids. Fear, apprehension and shock shoot up my spine as I hear Joan’s high-pitched voice call from the opposite end of the aisle. “Brian, is that you?”
“Shh…” he tries to soothe me, staring coldly over my shoulder. “Just ignore them.”
“I don’t want them around the kids,” I speak through my dry mouth.
“Dada, did you get hurt?” Leighton asks me gently. “You’re crying.”
“What?” I pat at my face and feel wetness under my eyes.
“Justin,” I breathe out. “Let’s… let’s go. Now!”
“Okay, okay,” he agrees, wiping the tears from my face. “Come on, kids, hurry up,” he says, taking their hands and walking briskly down the isle.
I follow, pushing Audrey in the cart as fast as I can. I’m holding off the emotions that are begging to be let loose from my body.
“Why?” Evvie asks Justin. “Why do we have to go?”
“Dada isn’t feeling good, Evvie.”
“It’s not fair!” Evelyn whines.
Leighton looks back at me and then tells her, “Be quiet. Dada is hurting.”
God. He’s such a perceptive, sensitive child. I suck in a deep breath and let it out as we reach the main aisle. I hope we’re far enough away from them, or that they’ve gone another direction. I saw Claire a few years ago at a gas station; she tried to talk to me, but I ignored her. But I haven’t seen my mother since court. I would’ve recognized her though whether or not Claire was with her. She looks just the same, except that now her face is filled with wrinkles.
I don’t know what I’ll…
“B…b…Brian?”
Fuck! I stop pushing the cart as somehow Claire and my mother intercept us and block our way with their shopping carts.
Justin grabs the kids close and moves to stand beside me. I’m completely unable to move as I stare at my biological mother for the first time in twenty-three years.
Married by signs
Married by signs
***
September 2nd 1983
3rd Person Point of View
Brian placed his Return of the Jedi backpack on the kitchen table.
“Did you have a good day at school, Brian?” Jennifer asked as she poured the boys glasses of milk.
“It was good!” Brian said enthusiastically. “I like my teacher this year much better.”
“What about you, Justin?” Jennifer asked.
Justin shrugged. “She’s okay.” He opened his backpack and took out the newest coloring page and handed it to his mother. “Look, I drew a castle today.” Justin pointed to two people standing on a bridge in front, one was taller and had brown hair, and the other was shorter and blond. “That’s me and Brian.”
“This is amazing, Justin. You didn’t have to tell me who it was. Not only can I tell because of the hair color but you’ve drawn both of your faces so well. Are you sure that you’re only eight years old?” She asked, hanging the picture up with a magnet on her fridge.
Justin beamed at his mother’s praise. “You’re the one who told me when I was born,” he replied. “I am really only eight, right?”
“Yes, Justin,” Jennifer laughed and ruffled his blond hair. “You’re only eight.” She turned her attention to Brian and queried, “What’s that you have there, Brian?”
Brian had taken a project of his own out of his school bag and was holding the piece of cardboard close to his chest. “I… I’m not a good artist like Justin is,” he spoke uncertainly.
Justin put his arm around Brian and looked up at him adoringly. “Yes you are, Brian. You’re the best.”
Brian laughed at the younger boy’s lie and felt himself relax. “Today we went through some of Mrs. Horton’s old magazines that she brought to class. We had to cut out pictures of people that looked like our family and make a collage with them that showed our favorite summer memory.”
Jennifer took the piece of art from Brian when he finally, slowly handed it to her. Brian was still uncomfortable with adults’ praise, something Jennifer and his therapists readily worked on. Often it would make him shut down and he would go off to be alone. She couldn’t contain her complete joy at what Brian had made though.
He had cut out a blond model that had features similar to hers and pasted what looked like a designer dress on her body. Brian had cut out a picture of his favorite soccer star and put a very nice suit on him and a briefcase on which he wrote Taylor Electronics. Brian cut out a picture of a little blond boy and glued an artist’s pallet in his hand and a Mickey Mouse t-shirt on him. He cut out a picture of a strawberry blonde-haired girl and put a teddy bear in her hand and a princess crown on her head. In the middle of them was a picture of a brown-haired boy with a huge smile on his face, a soccer uniform glued on him and a soccer ball near his foot. The scene behind them all was of a beach and ocean. There were pictures of beach balls, inner tubes, sandcastles, buckets, shovels, beach towels, a picnic basket, an umbrella; everything they used when they’d made the trip to Virginia Beach to visit her mother and father’s house that summer.
The collage was amazingly well thought out. The best part, the part that brought tears into Jennifer’s eyes were the words and letters cut and pasted under each person. He’d spelled out ‘my Mom’ under the woman, ‘my Dad’ under the man, ‘my little brother Justin’ under the blond boy, ‘my little sister Molly’ under the small girl and in the center in two big letters was ‘me’. Jennifer felt almost as proud and happy as the she did the first time Brian had told her he loved her. This was a testament to how much he loved and felt like a part of his family; it left her speechless.
“Do you like it?” Brian asked in a quiet voice, rocking from his heels to his toes in nervous anticipation.
Jennifer looked down at her oldest son and brought him into her arms. “I love it, Brian,” she whispered to him.
Brian looked up at Jennifer and gave her a tiny smile. “Can we go outside and play now?” he asked.
“Yeah, can we?” Justin asked.
Jennifer reluctantly let the little boy go. “Drink your milk and eat your carrots first,” she said, pointing to the snack she’d placed on the counter. “Then you two can go play, as long as you don’t have any homework.”
“We don’t,” the boys answered in unison.
“Okay,” Jennifer said, smiling happily at the two of them. Brian’s drawing had put validation to all the hard work she’d done in helping Brian to feel accepted and loved in their family. “I’m going to hang both of your pictures on the fridge and then I’m going to wake up Molly from her nap.”
“Is she still sick?” Brian wondered caringly. He took a huge bite of his carrot, practically getting half of it in his mouth.
“She’s feeling better,” Jennifer answered. “She just has a little cough now.” She grabbed two magnet clips from the top of the refrigerator and placed each one of the boys’ pictures in them.
“So she can’t come out and play?” Justin asked sadly, wiping the milk mustache from his face with the back of his hand.
“No, not until her cough completely goes away,” Jennifer answered her son.
“That stinks,” Brian pouted.
Jennifer was glad that the boys took such interest in playing with Molly. She knew that most little boys their age would not like to play with a little girl. They always tried to include her in their games, even if Molly seemed reluctant to play with them. “I’m going to check on Molly; make sure you two wash your hands and put your cups in the sink before you go outside.”
“We will,” Brian assured her as he took another bite of his carrot.
“Yup,” Justin agreed.
***
After dinner that night, Jennifer sent Brian, Justin and Molly upstairs to get ready for bed. She’d been thinking about the talk that she wanted to have with Craig ever since the boys went outside to play after school. Even though Craig had brought home food from her favorite Italian restaurant, she was barely able to it. Her thoughts were so preoccupied with the conversation she wanted to have with her husband and later with Brian, she was giving herself a stomach ache.
Craig had cued into his wife’s distance throughout the meal but waited until the children were upstairs before voicing his concerns. “Are you pregnant?” he asked, fearful and hesitant, unsure how he would feel about the results. He and Jennifer had only talked about having two children and with Brian in their home he’d adjusted to their being three. He wasn’t sure if he could handle a fourth.
Jennifer nearly dropped the take-out container of spaghetti she was putting away in the fridge. She sensed disappointment in his question and was relieved that she was not. She managed to put the styrofoam box onto a shelf in the fridge and closed the door. “No,” she replied, perhaps waiting a little too long to answer.
Craig let out a deep breath. “It’s something else then?” he asked. “Do you think one of the boys is getting sick or something?”
“No, it’s not that,” Jennifer said gently and silently hoped he’d not picked up on a cough or sneeze she was unaware of.
“Are you sick?” he asked, walking over to her and kissing her forehead.
Jennifer leaned into her husband and wrapped her arms around him. “No, I’m fine. I’ve just been thinking about some things today.”
“What things?” Craig queried.
Jennifer stepped out of her husband’s arms and pointed to Brian’s collage. “Brian made this today in class. The assignment was to make a collage of your family and your favorite summer memory with them.”
Craig swallowed thickly as he looked at the images and words. “He did a good job,” he commented softly.
“Is that all you’re going to say about it?” Jennifer asked, trying not to sound as irritated as she felt by her husband brushing off what to her was a momentous step for Brian.
“It’s good, Jen,” he said, trying to search for what she wanted to hear. “It’s really good.”
“His therapist would be thrilled to see this,” Jennifer said. “I certainly was. Brian thinks of us as his family, Craig.”
“I see that,” the man spoke, trying to read his wife. “That’s good. He made you look beautiful.”
“You know, the first time Justin and Molly called us Mama and Dada, I remember it clearly. I remember how overjoyed I was and I got the same feelings when I saw this today,” she revealed. She smiled and pointed to the picture that was supposed to be her husband. “He used his favorite athlete for your picture and even put the business name on the briefcase,” she told him. “He loves you, Craig. He loves all of us.”
Craig nodded and spoke softly, “We love him. But I’m not too sure about him calling us Mom and Dad. What if they give him back to his parents or move him into a different foster home, Jen? That will cause a lot of confusion for him.”
“It would kill him,” Jennifer corrected bluntly. “It would kill me, and Justin and Molly and…” she trailed off and hoped that her husband would fill in the words she was looking for.
“And me too,” Craig added. He gave Jennifer a curious look and asked, “What is it that you want?”
“I want to adopt him,” Jennifer spoke with assurance. “I want him to be our son, always. I don’t want to worry about the day Child Services comes to tell us that his parents want him back. If it’s a few months from now, a year or more, it’ll kill him. It’ll ruin all the progress that we’ve made with him. No matter how much we love him he’s always going to be afraid of his own feelings, he’s always going to have a hard time trusting people. If they give him back or give him to someone else because his caseworker happens to get rezoned, which she told me could happen, then we lose him forever. And I think,” Jennifer paused her words and wiped the tears that sprung into her eyes.
“What, Jen?” Craig asked emotionally, feeling his wife’s pain.
“I think Brian will lose himself completely and Justin might too. It wouldn’t only devastate him. Brian is our son now, isn’t he?”
Craig closed his eyes and took a deep breath before opening them and replying, “Yes, he’s our son, Jennifer.”
“Then if he agrees, I want to fight for him. I want to make sure he’s ours forever.”
Craig had many mixed feelings about it, but he knew that his wife was right. If Brian left it would devastate his family and he did not want that for them. “Talk to Brian when you tuck him in,” Craig spoke. “If he wants us to be his parents, then I’ll call the lawyer tomorrow and you call his caseworker.”
Jennifer launched herself into her husband’s arms and hugged him tighter than she ever had before. “He’ll want us to be his parents, that picture speaks loud and clear,” she assured him. “Besides, Craig, we’re the only ones he’s ever really had.”
***
Tuesday, July 24th 2007
Brian’s Point of View
Personal holloway
Six month linen
It’s safe to say we are alone
Suburban suicide
Watching night come amber
It’s all so temporary
Deaf and dumb with the lights on
Deaf and dumb with the lights on
Deaf and dumb with the lights on
Married by signs
Married by signs
Married by signs
“Would you please move?” Justin grits out between his clenched teeth.
“I’d say I’m entitled to speak to my son since your mother took him away from me,” Joan snips.
“You’re not entitled to a fucking thing and my Mother didn’t take me away from you,” I reply, gripping the shopping cart in my hands.
“Shame on you for speaking that way in front of those children,” Claire says in horror.
“Daddy, Dada, who is that?” Leighton asks looking between me and Justin.
“No one, buddy,” Justin speaks truthfully to our son. “Come on, Brian.”
“No,” I speak firmly, eyeing the two women. “Things need to be said,” I tell him.
Justin holds my eyes for a moment before nodding his head in understanding. He digs into his pocket and produces a ten dollar bill. “Will you take Evvie over to the café right there and get you two some popcorn?”
“But I wanna stay with you and Dada,” Evvie says, pulling on Justin’s shirt.
“Please, Evvie,” I try. “Just go with Leighton and get some popcorn and a soda.”
“I can have soda too?” she asks, coming around to the idea.
“Sure,” Justin and I answer in unison.
“Come on, Evvie,” Leighton says, taking his sister’s hand. “Dada and Daddy have to talk to those mean-looking ladies.”
Justin resumes his position beside me the moment we see the kids sitting at one of the tables in the café.
I hand Audrey her bottle from the diaper bag to keep her occupied before looking at Joan and asking. “What do you want? We’re in the middle of school supply shopping so…”
“All these children are your kids?” Joan interrupts me, disapproval coating her words.
“Yes,” Justin and I speak together and I wrap my arm around him.
Their eyes fall on my hand resting on the side of his stomach and their expressions twist together. I know what they’re going to say, but I don’t care. I have to be strong and I have to show them that I don’t care about them any more. They can’t hurt me. I’m no longer the little boy who cried in the court room when Joan and Claire painted me out to be a rotten badly-behaved child.
“The twins I’m carrying are Brian’s too,” Justin quips and smiles up at me proudly.
I can’t help but laugh because three minutes ago I was running from them but now I feel like I can face them, face anything. Justin being by my side and standing up for the both of us is exactly what I needed. It’s what I’ve always needed to get by. I stupidly lost sight of that though.
“You think what you two are doing is funny?” Joan asks, placing one hand over her heart.
“It’s sick,” Claire adds, glaring at us.
“Why’s that?” I ask nonchalantly.
“Because you two are brothers,” Joan says the last word with disdain and disgust.
“All mankind consider themselves brothers,” I say. “Don’t you call all those men at your church brothers and sisters?” I ask. Before she can answer I continue, “We loved one another in childhood as brothers and now that we’re adults we love one another as….”
“Lovers,” Justin interrupts me.
I laugh again and kiss the side of his head. I was actually going to say adults, but I do prefer his word and love how annoyed Joan and Claire look. It feels good to be so proud of my life with him.
“I’m surprised those kids didn’t call you Uncle Daddy,” Claire sneers.
I shrug and reply hastily. “Me too.”
“Oh Lord, save my son,” Joan mutters, fluttering her eyes and clutching the cross around her neck.
Justin takes a step around the cart and looks Joan right in the eyes. “Your prayers fall upon deaf ears, Joan. A long time ago when I was just a little boy, I made that prayer and it was answered. My mother is his mother. My father is his father. My sister is his sister and you, your husband and Claire, you are nothing. You will never know my husband or our children and we are better off. We will never speak to you again and you will never be a thought to us. We will live and love and be happy for the rest of our lives. You both will be miserable and you will burn in Hell for all eternity because you tried to damn your own flesh and blood before he even had a chance to live and love.”
I see her raise her hand to him and before I can move fast enough she’s slapped him. If it weren’t for Audrey holding onto one of my hands or the employee, who probably heard the whole exchange, quickly moving in between Justin and Joan, I would have a hard time not returning the slap. Justin’s arms are secure around my waist the second I push Audrey in the cart next to him. Besides the small red mark across his left cheek, he shows absolutely no sign in his expression that he was just smacked. “Are you okay?” I ask quickly, trying to assess him.
Justin kisses my left cheek as if I was the one that was hit and he nods at me. “I’m just fine, Brian,” he assures.
“Shame on you!” Joan wails, backing away from us.
“Lady, what is wrong with you?” the employee asks astounded at Joan’s behavior. “He’s pregnant!”
“With a bastard, no doubt!” Joan hisses.
“You both need to leave this store immediately,” the young worker barks at Joan and Claire.
“We’ll never shop here again,” Claire tells the man.
The man turns toward Justin and asks, “Are you okay, sir? Do you want me to call…”
“I’m fine,” Justin interrupts him. “She’s senile is all,” he lies looking toward Joan and Claire who are hastily retreating toward the exit doors.
“Are you sure?” he asks. “I can call my manager.”
“No,” Justin says quickly. “My other children are just over there in the café and I don’t want them to be left alone any longer.”
“You’re sure you’re okay because I can file an accident report if you’re hurt.”
“He’s fine,” I say, sensing Justin’s stress is more from needing to avoid a scene than because of the altercation.
“Okay then, I’ll leave you to shop,” the employee says softly.
The second he’s out of my line of sight I take Justin in my arms and hold him tightly. “I’m sorry.”
“You didn’t do anything,” he whispers and looks up at me. “You always protected me from bullies; it was about time I returned the favor.”
“You promise me that you’re not hurt?” I ask, thumbing the almost-faded red mark on his cheek.
“I’m not, Brian. Are you?” he asks me.
“No,” I assure him. “I’m pissed that she did that, but what you said…”
“I kinda asked for it,” he says almost laughing.
“No, you didn’t. But she deserved what you told her. It’s fucking weird that I actually feel happy, isn’t it?”
“Brian, it isn’t weird at all. You finally confronted her.” He places his hand on top of mine that rests on the cart.
“You did,” I tell him, pushing the cart toward the café.
“No,” he says, smiling at me. “You stopped running.”
I look down Audrey who now has her hand placed on top of Justin’s and see his other rests on his stomach. I hear Evelyn’s laugh and see Leighton smiling at his sister as he pushes the soda toward her to share with her. There’s no reason to run from anything any more. I’ve cut the strings that wound me into the pain of the past. It’s time to be free and move on.
***
Tuesday, August 21st 1984
3rd Person Point of View
“Don’t cry, Brian. I’m here and you’ll be my big brother soon and you won’t ever have to be sad again,” Justin said innocently.
Brian took comfort from the little blond and hugged him back. “They might not let me be your big brother,” he choked out. “They don’t want to listen to a kid. They don’t want to listen to anyone that tells the truth. My parents and sister keep saying I’m bad and that I’m lying about everything!”
“You’re not bad,” Justin said adamantly and kissed Brian’s cheek. “You’re the nicest, bestest person in the whole world, Brian. I’ll tell them if you want me to.”
“You can’t, Justin,” Brian cried. “They don’t wanna hear the truth. The judge is going to listen to all their lies and now Jack and Joan are gonna hurt me more when I go back.”
“They won’t make you go,” Justin said, holding Brian tightly. “I won’t let them hurt you.”
Jennifer grabbed her husband’s hand and closed the door to the room where Justin and Brian were sitting curled up on the couch. She pulled him with her to the furthest end of the adjoining room and collapsed into Craig’s arms. “They can’t do this to him, Craig. He’s suffering and they’re letting him suffer. Why are they letting those people who hurt him keep hurting him?” she cried frantically.
“I don’t know,” Craig spoke gravely. “But you’ve got to calm down. Once they come back into this room and tell us the decision, there isn’t anything we can do.”
“I won’t let them take him,” Jennifer vowed, stepping out of Craig’s arms. She wiped underneath her eyes with her ragged tissue and took deep breaths, trying to calm down. “I can’t let them give him back to those people.”
“There won’t be anything we can do,” Craig replied and cleared his throat as he heard voices outside of the door. “That’s them,” he whispered and grabbed his wife’s hand.
Eliza Clark, Brian’s caseworker, and Jeffrey Moore, the custody lawyer, entered the room with smiles on their faces. Jennifer and Craig walked briskly toward them and asked in unison, “Is he ours?”
“He’s yours,” Eliza spoke warmly.
Jeffrey held out a stack of papers and a pen. “The three of you will need to sign these,” he said, grinning from achievement.
“Just…just a moment,” Jennifer said, pulling Craig with her toward the other room.
Brian and Justin looked at their parents with wide eyes as they entered the room.
Brian asked hesitantly, “Am I going to live with them?”
Jennifer kneeled in front of the couch and shook her head. “No, Brian. You’re never going to live with them. You’re ours now,” she said, trying not to cry.
Brian leaned forward so quickly that had Craig not been in the process of kneeling behind his wife, she would’ve fallen backward. The brunet boy wrapped his arms around Jennifer and Justin and Craig soon joined the embrace.
“I don’t ever have to see them again, do I?” Brian wept against Jennifer’s shoulder.
“Never,” Jennifer promised.
“I knew it,” Justin said in a small voice. He kissed Brian’s cheek and spoke, “You’re my brother forever now.”
“And that makes you our son,” Jennifer told Brian.
“I love you, Mom and Dad,” Brian cried in relief.
“We love you, Brian,” Craig told the boy emotionally, barely holding back his own tears.
***
Tuesday, July 24th 2007
Justin’s Point of View
“So why is your sister kissing our asses?” Brian asks me as he pulls the comforter down and climbs onto his side of the bed.
After what happed at Target, the last thing I wanted to do was bring up my sister’s request. I thought I’d give Brian a couple of days to decompress; even if he did seem to act as though he was happy to be free of Joan and Claire, I don’t think it’s really hit him yet.
“Hello?” Brian laughs, pulling me onto the bed. “You were in outer space again.”
“I just don’t want to stress you out,” I tell him, pulling my shirt off and throwing it onto the floor.
“So she’s being a bitch again?” he grumbles.
“No.” Shit! I answered much too quickly and from the way he’s staring at me, one eyebrow raised, he knows something is up. “Well, she was sorta cunty with me this morning but then she apologized for it and…” I turn away from him and put my head in my hands, trying to figure out the easiest way to tell him. I don’t even know if I want him to say yes.
He scoots over behind me, spreading his legs so they drape on either side of mine and grasping my shoulders in his hands. “And?” he asks, squeezing his strong fingers into my muscles.
I lean my head against his chest, really second-guessing this whole talk. “And, I’d much rather you just continue to give me a massage. I don’t want to talk about Molly.”
“I’ll give you a massage, but I want you to tell me,” he counters, kissing behind my ear.
I feel him run his hands down my back, his knuckles digging into knots I’d gotten so used to that I forgot they were there. My back arches away, my body wiggles in response and the phrase ‘it hurts so good’ takes on perfect meaning. Yeah, really don’t want to be having a conversation about Molly.
“Justin?” he whispers in my ear.
“Mmmm….” I sigh in contentment but I’m more than a little disappointed when he takes his hands off me. “Don’t stop,” I practically beg him.
He chuckles into my ear, drags his tongue along my neck and speaks into my hair, “Then talk.”
“I really can’t form a coherent sentence while you’re doing that,” I admit, sliding around him. I crawl over to my pillow and collapse back onto it, completely disappointed that I couldn’t just sit there and get a massage that I think I’m pretty fucking entitled to at this point.
“Don’t be mad, Justin,” he chortles, crawling toward my feet and immediately making my mood perk up. “I’ll start with your feet and then when you’re done telling me about Molly’s craziness I’ll start on massaging every other part of you body.”
Oh. So that’s how it’s going to be? Oh…. Oh yes, Brian! Fucking holy hell, I should just talk really, really slowly so that it takes him a while before he sto… “I was thinking,” I protest when he stills his movements on my left foot.
He places my left foot in his lap and picks up my right foot while smirking at me. “I was just switching feet.”
Ahhh. Thank you, Brian.
“So… Molly?” he prompts, laughter filling his voice.
I feel his cock is warm and half-hard in his briefs so I curl my toes and give it an awkward but gentle squeeze to show him my appreciation. “Molly wants to help out around here,” I start.
“Yeah,” Brian replies, pulling on my toes to crack them. “I noticed.”
“The kids really like her,” I observe. “They barely know her though. Isn’t that weird?”
“I definitely didn’t ever think that’d be the case, Justin,” Brian admits.
I close my eyes as he begins to really work my heels. I’m getting turned on and if I watch him do this, I’m not going to be able to talk. “Me neither.”
“So what does she want to help with exactly,” Brian queries. “Cause if you want to tell her to come by every night to make dinner and give the kids their baths, I’m all for it.”
“Me too, but I don’t think she’ll want to do that every night. However, I think we could definitely use the help, Brian.”
He goes back to my other foot and the massage gets more intense. “Why? Why this turnaround all of a sudden. If you said she was acting cunty, then why is she also offering to help us out?”
“Because she said that Mom is always gone with Frank.”
“Isn’t she going home soon?”
“Not from what I can tell. I guess something happened between her and Craig, but I stopped her before she could get into explaining whatever it was.”
“Maybe you should find out. Maybe he doesn’t plan on hiring her to do P.R. like she said he was.”
“I don’t think that job is supposed to start until next year,” I explain. “Anyway, the thing is, she wants to stay with us.”
“She is staying the night,” Brian says, though he knows that’s not what I’m saying.
“Yeah,” I open my eyes and look at him. “But she wants to move in with us. She plans on being here long enough to help me out after the twins are born, or she alluded to that.”
“Do you want her to move in here, Justin?”
“I really don’t know,” I’m quick to say. “I’d like to have her be a part of our family but I don’t know that I can deal with the bitchy attitude she takes whenever you and I are affectionate with each other.”
“It’s got to be weird for her.”
I can’t believe he just said that. “Then she shouldn’t be asking to live with us,” I reason. “Should she?”
“I think maybe if we see it from her point of view, it probably would be weird, Justin.”
I’m not feeling as relaxed as I was two minutes ago which is precisely the reason why I feel like Molly moving in would be a bad idea. “What are you saying?” I demand. “You think that our love is weird? You think there is something wrong with it?”
“No, I don’t think that way. But, Justin, she was so little when I came to live with you guys. She only remembers you and me as brothers. That’s got to be weird for her. It certainly did a number on me when I realized that I was in love with you.”
“I know, but she’s an adult now. She’s not a child. If it doesn’t freak our children out or our mother who raised us as brothers, then it shouldn’t freak her out either,” I say reasonably.
“Justin, it’s not that simple and you know it.”
The relaxation and yearning I feel when he skims his hands up my thighs and starts kneading my muscles makes me not fell as angry as I know I should with his statement. “Brian, can we just forget about this?”
“Justin, she already blames me for everything that happened between your mom and…”
“It wasn’t your fault,” I cut in, staring him down until he nods his head in agreement.
“But no matter what the truth is, she does. I don’t want to shut her down when she’s trying to have a relationship with us. Don’t you want your little sister back? Don’t you want the kids to know their aunt?”
Oh, bring the kids in it. He really does play dirty. “That doesn’t mean she has to live here for that to happen.”
“What did you tell her when she asked you?” he asks me, raising one of his eyebrows.
“I told her I’d have to talk to you first,” I answer. Didn’t I already answer that question?
“Then she’s going to think that it’s my fault if you tell her no, no matter what other reason you have, Justin. I don’t want that.”
He’s probably fucking right and all because of my big mouth. Shit! “So, you want me to tell her yes?”
He nods and smiles. “I do.”
I lean and reach to grab him and pull him closer and halfway to sitting one of the babies knees me in my ribs. “Oh!” Again! “Fuck,” I gasp, falling back down on to my pillows.
Brian smirks. “Which baby was it? Oh, never mind, I see.”
“This is so fucking weird,” I say, freaking out. “I didn’t see anything like this until I was almost ready to pop with Leighton.”
“You look like you are,” he responds as he kisses my stomach. “Or at least what you looked like when you were eight months pregnant.”
“That’s because I was skin and bones and my stomach looked freakish.”
“Nah, it was beautiful. I loved Leighton, Justin. I loved taking care of you and in turn him when he was inside of you. But sometimes I had to pull back because I knew the baby wasn’t mine. With Evelyn, Griffin and I were so surprised by her and he worked so much that I barely saw him pregnant. And Audrey…” he chokes on her name and lets out a deep breath.
“I know, Brian,” I assure him, placing my hand over his for a moment.
“I love all my children,” he whispers. “But this pregnancy has been the best out of all of them. You let me touch you and you don’t have to be scared and neither do I.”
I don’t know what to say that, so I just smile at him and blink rapidly to fight off my tears. I relax a bit more when the movement slows, which I’m convinced is in direct response to Brian’s hand gently sweeping over my stomach repeatedly. His head rests on my chest and his lips are open, breathing deep breaths across the rise of my belly. I sift my fingers through his soft auburn hair and allow myself a moment to revel in having him here with me during this pregnancy. I don’t have to pretend this time, even if it was true before. I can lie here and be thrilled that Brian Kinney is the father of the babies inside of me.
***
Thursday, November 28th 1996
3rd Person Point of View
Move a little way forward
Move a little way now
Move a little way forward
Move a little way now
“How could you not have told me that you’re pregnant?” Brian whispered, closing the bathroom door behind him.
Justin glared at Brian in the bathroom mirror as he brushed his teeth. “I’m not,” he spoke after spitting into the sink.
Brian daringly raised Justin’s sweatshirt but the blond quickly knocked his hand away. “Let me see,” Brian demanded.
Justin wiped his mouth off and spun around to face Brian. “Stop it. I’m not fucking pregnant.”
“You threw up your entire Thanksgiving dinner and you threw up your breakfast yesterday,” Brian growled. “Tell me the truth.”
“You think I’d take a test or something and not tell you?” Justin questioned.
“No,” Brian answered, shaking his head back and forth. “I think that you haven’t let me see you naked all week. I think it’s because you’ve noticed that you’ve got a belly or something.”
“You’re nuts,” Justin sighed and reluctantly lifted his shirt for a split-second before putting it back down. “See, there was no fat belly.”
Brian bit his lip and fought Justin’s hand so that he could lift the sweater again and observe Justin’s stomach. “For a person who doesn’t have anything in their stomach, yours seems to look awfully swollen.”
Justin fixed his shirt and pushed Brian away from him. “Fuck you,” he spat, stepping around Brian to get out of the bathroom.
Brian stepped in front of him. “We’re going to go downstairs and tell mom and Griffin that we’re going to run to the store to get cigarettes. You’re taking a test there.”
“I’m not,” Justin said firmly.
Brian shrugged. “Then I will go down and tell mom my observations.”
“Stop it,” Justin cried in a whisper, gripping Brian’s arms. His head fell against Brian’s chest, “I lied to you.”
Brian wrapped his arms around Justin and held the shaking man to his body. “You already took a test?” Brian asked softly.
Justin nodded and admitted, “Seven of them.”
Brian gulped. “They were all….”
“Positive,” Justin wept. “I just kept hoping that one would say otherwise but they didn’t. They just kept saying the same thing. I don’t want to have a baby. I don’t want to be a father. I’m still just a kid, Brian. Griffin’s still just a kid too.”
“It’s okay,” Brian spoke the words even though dread settled over them.
“I’m scared, Brian,” Justin whispered.
“Me too,” Brian empathized, kissing Justin’s hair. “But I’ll help you. You don’t have to worry; I’ll always be here for you.”
Bleed life
Breathe life
Could be a better plan