Point of View

Chapter Twelve: “Glycerine”

Thursday, October 18th 2007

Justin’s Point of View

It’s not my time to wonder why

Everything’s gone white

And everything’s grey

Now you’re here now you’re away

I don’t want this

Remember that

I’ll never forget where you’re at

“Bye, Papa!” Evelyn yells, running along the shore of the lake. The crisp wind picks up, blowing south, plastering her hair against her face as she keeps pace with the ashes until they disappear from sight. “Have fun flying,” she says innocently, waving at the sky.

It’s enough to make any parent want to scream their lungs out at the unfairness of life, but I can’t because I have to be strong for everyone else right now. This was a huge step for our family but it was a mountain to climb for Brian and Leighton.

Our family therapy sessions ended last month, though Brian and Leighton have continued to see Mira together twice a week. They’ve both been learning to bond as father and son on a different level than they had before. I had thought that they couldn’t love one another more or differently, but there are changes that I do see with their relationship. Almost every change has to do with the level of comfort they now have and seek with one another.

There are little odd things that I never noticed before that they didn’t do as most fathers and sons do. I don’t know if it was because Leighton distanced himself from Brian because he had a Papa and a Daddy, or if it was for no reason at all. Little things that mean a lot like the length of a hug, the giving or accepting of punishment for bad behavior or acting ‘just like Dada.’

They’ve grown from being best friends to father and son over the last couple of months. It’s been an amazing thing to watch, though it hasn’t been easy.

At first, Leighton was so confused about all that had happened that he appeared to resent Brian and would avoid him. During one of their therapy sessions, Leighton admitted to Brian that he still wanted Papa to be his father too. He was afraid that if he loved Brian that it would mean that he couldn’t still love Griffin.

That issue took a while to work out. What helped the most was when Mira asked Gus to make a list of things he, Griffin and Brian did together that was special. Then Brian was to do each one of those things with Leighton and then also do special things that Leighton and Griffin did together alone. There wasn’t anything that Leighton could think of that only he and Griffin did together, so it helped to show him that Brian could be the same Dada that he always was to him. Of course it’s much more complex than that, but that was pretty much how it worked out.

We’ve been working hard to make sure that each of us spends alone time with each of the children every day. It doesn’t always happen, but we try so that they realize how much we love them and want to share special moments with each one of them. This moment we’re all sharing in is one I wish that we never would’ve had to experience together.  We can’t change the past though and now on Griffin’s birthday we’re taking a leap forward. I’m scared that it’s too big of a leap though.

Releasing Griffin’s ashes was something that Leighton said he wanted to do. Neither Brian nor I wanted to so soon, but Leighton begged us to because he wanted to do it on Griffin’s birthday so that he could fly with the leaves. Griffin’s favorite time of year was the fall and today, his birthday, was the final day last year that Leighton remembered going outside with Griffin. He informed Brian and me that Griffin had told him he wanted to fly away and be free with all the pretty colors of leaves and wished it wasn’t so cold because he really wanted to swim in the lake before it froze over for the winter.

It was quite a lot to put on a child, if you ask me. He never said a word to us in any of his letters and I’m sure that at the time Leighton had no idea why Griffin had told him what he did.  But this is Griffin’s wish and Leighton’s too, so Brian and I agreed to it.

But it’s so hard to watch my son and husband look so shattered. I have never had anyone close to me die that wanted their ashes released but I thought it would be a freeing as Leighton sort of said it would be.  It doesn’t feel that way and I’m not sure it feels that way for them.

“It’s c…cold,” Evelyn says, rushing toward me. “Can we go back in?”

***

Molly had dinner prepared for us when we came back inside. We all sort of forced ourselves to eat the pot roast, which I’m more than surprised she actually knew how to cook. It all tasted great but we were all too emotional to eat. Audrey and Evelyn seemed to really pick up on the sadness cascading between Brian, myself and Leighton. The two of them ate so little I’m afraid we’re all going to be ravenous in the morning.

The decision to allow Molly to stay with us has proved to be a good one so far. Both Brian and I had a long talk with her about her behavior toward us and she took it to heart. There’s something that tells me more is going on with her, but I can’t put my finger on what it is. She acts so sweet and kind to me, Brian and the kids. It’s more than I expected, much more.

The help she’s been to us has been great. She cooks dinner almost every night; she helps clean up house, helps to get the kids ready for school and helps Leighton with his homework. Brian and I work well at raising the kids together, but there aren’t many moments we’re able to relax because there is always something that needs done in the house. Molly’s extra hands have allowed Brian and me to spend time together that we need. It won’t be long before I have the twins and then everything in our lives will get even busier.

Brian gave the girls a bath, put them to bed and is now in Leighton’s room reading to him. Leighton didn’t want me in there with them tonight. Brian tried to fight Leighton’s request but I understand. Leighton’s emotions are really raw and I know that he loves me and I respect that he needed Brian. Leighton feeling comfortable enough with Brian to allow Brian to do the nightly routine with him is fine with me. I wish I could be the one comforting him, but now that place is as much Brian’s as it has always been mine.

They’re comforting each other and right now I think that is exactly what they both need. I’m very sad too; I’ve cried pretty much any moment I was alone today. I still have these feelings inside of me that link me to Griffin in an emotional bond that I always believed was there. The emotional bond is still there but the reality isn’t. It’s confusing to me and I’m sure it’s not any better for Leighton. There are no easy answers for any of us but it doesn’t stop me from wishing there were.

I have to do as Molly so wisely told me. I have to take each day at a time. She’s been surprising me a lot lately. After dinner Molly drove over to pick Mom up and take her to a movie. When my mother figured out that she’d left she called me, completely forgetting about what we did today and started gushing about how pleased she was that Molly was finally asking to have mother-daughter time with her. She rambled on and on about it and her happiness was so bright I couldn’t tell her about what she’d forgotten. Molly made it to her house and Mom and I said a quick goodbye.

I kissed the kids goodnight and headed into the nursery where I’ve been spending any free time I’ve got when Brian isn’t around. He’s helped too but I usually do most of the work in here while he’s at work. I’m still working at the gallery but my last day is next Friday. I would love to stay on working there, but there really isn’t any way that’d be possible. I don’t know for sure how long Molly is going to be here and I wouldn’t want to leave my children in the hands of strangers. Both Brian and I are well off financially now. I know that I’ll miss working, but maybe I’ll get back into painting again. Brian’s offered to have the stable house renovated for me. I still don’t have a clue when I’d have time to paint once the babies come. I barely have time to brush my teeth in the mornings and that’s with Molly’s help and without two newborns.

Daphne and Loren became the proud parents to Amelia McKayla a week ago. Poor Daphne was in labor for nearly two days before the little girl decided to greet everyone. She’s such a beautiful baby and has the darkest brown eyes of any baby I’ve ever seen. I’m so excited for her. It’s going to be great that our children will get to grow up together.

“Shouldn’t you be taking it easy?”

I jump, startled from Brian’s voice. I guess I was so lost in my thoughts I didn’t hear him walk in. I look over my shoulder and give him a small smile as he walks toward me. “I wanted to put the bedding on.”

“Could you use my help?” he asks, picking up the bumper I have draped over the crib I’ve almost got completely made.

“Are you sure you’re up for it? I can do it another time if you want to….” Brian’s kiss is so sudden and fierce it makes me fall back against the crib.

“Sorry,” he whispers, pulling his mouth away from me as he puts his arms around me and brings our bodies together.

My stomach bumps into his and I realize that if he didn’t have such long arms he might not be able to hold me the way he is. “So what do you want to do?” I ask, holding his face in my hands.

His eyes still look blood shot from crying but his lips quirk into a smile.  “I want to help you put our child’s room together,” he replies and releases me.

“Do you want to do the bumper then? I was really worried about getting down on that floor.”

He grabs the item and kneels down. “I think what you were worried about was getting up,” he has the nerve to joke.

“You’re probably right,” I admit, ruffling his perfectly styled hair.

“I’ll go start on the other crib.”

“Wait.” He reaches his hand out and grasps my thigh. “You’ve already done so much in here without me, Justin. I’d like to do this with you.”

“You would?” I thought the only reason he really wanted to help me was to take his mind off today or just to be a good father and husband by helping me out.

He vigorously nods his head and my heart soars as his cheeks blush and his smile turns shy. “Griffin did it all for the girls and you didn’t really get to personalize Leighton’s room because you didn’t have any help. I want to do it with you so that I can remember it. I don’t give a fuck if that’s cheesy, but I didn’t get to take part in things like this for any of my children. I don’t want to miss anything.”

I wish I could bend and kiss him because if I could I’d give him the most passionate and grateful kiss he’s ever received from me. When Brian opens himself up to me, even after a day as emotionally draining as today, it makes my heart surge with love for him. I can hardly suppress it. “Stand up here and kiss me,” I order him, holding out my hand.

He chuckles and stands up slowly. “Why?”

I place my hands on his shoulders; stand on my tip toes and whisper, “So that I could do this.” My mouth molds to his and he moans, opening his mouth to me and I give him every feeling I have, I let it envelope his senses with the same urgent love I feel for him. It’s what I’ve always felt but now I can unleash it whenever I want.

The most amazing thing about us is that Brian and I know how to get through anything.

Don’t let the days go by

Glycerine

Glycerine

***

3rd Person Point of View

Saturday, April 20, 1985

“Does it feel different?” Justin asked, snuggling closer to Brian. The cool April night air drifted in through the cracks in the planks of the tree house.

Brian was nearly asleep but heard Justin’s question. “What are you talking about?” he asked, a little testy because it had been a long day and he was ready to sleep.

“Being a teenager,” Justin said in exasperation, annoyed that Brian couldn’t read his mind.

The just barely  thirteen-year-old turned in his sleeping bag toward Justin. He didn’t really feel different than he had yesterday, but even in the dark he could see that Justin’s eyes were wide with wonder and awe. He didn’t want to let him down so he replied, “Yeah. It feels different.”

“Like how?” Justin asked, propping himself up on his elbow. Now that Brian was facing him he felt it was surely the time they would start talking. He loved camping out with Brian, even if it was a little chilly. He loved listening to Brian talk and tell him stories. He wasn’t sure if they were all true but Justin imagined that they were and he didn’t care if they weren’t.

Brian noticed Justin’s lips chattering and unzipped his sleeping bag. “Come on. Get in with me and put yours over us. It was probably too cold to sleep out here this year.”

“Last year we were sooo hot,” Justin said, wishing for that warmth. He quickly got out of his sleeping bag and slid in next to Brian.

“That’s because last year there was a weird heat wave,” Brian said all-knowingly. “You’re freezing, Justin. Maybe we should go inside?” he suggested feeling the tiny ten-year-old shaking.

“No, I’ll get warm,” Justin assured, pulling his sleeping bag over the both of them and resting his head close to Brian’s. Brian’s hot breath tickled his nose and warmed his face, his long gangly arms wrapped around Justin and immediately the boy felt warmer.

“Now go to sleep,” Brian ordered, yawning once again.

“But you didn’t answer my question,” Justin grumbled.

Brian groaned. “Yes I did, Justin.” He was so exhausted from spending his birthday at the Fun Factory his brain was shutting down his short-term memory.

“Nuh-uh,” Justin retorted. “You didn’t tell my why you feel different. I asked like how you feel different when you become a teenager.”

Brian closed his eyes and whispered, “You feel stronger.”

“Strong enough to beat up any ghosts that haunt Ms. Miller’s house next door?” Justin asked seriously.

Brian held back from laughing and hugged Justin tightly. “Yeah.”

“Strong enough to beat up anyone that messes with me at school?” the blond persisted.

“Definitely.”

“Strong enough to….”

Brian’s eyes popped open and he put his hand over Justin’s mouth. “Strong enough to keep my hand here until you go to sleep. Now stop talking, I’m tired.”

“Brrweerrshffstataataahh,” Justin mumbled, laughing at the older boy who pinned his own arms to his sides so he couldn’t remove his hand.

“I’ll take my hand off your mouth but you have to promise to be quiet. Do you promise?” Brian asked.

Justin nodded his head and as soon as Brian took his hand away he made a motion to show that he was zipping and locking his mouth closed.

Brian gave Justin a sleepy smile. “Good night, Justin.”

Justin pouted and huffed.

Brian rolled his eyes. “You have permission to say goodnight.”

“And I have to tell you Happy Birthday, Brian!” Justin practically shouted.

“Okay, tell me,” Brian laughed.

“Happy thirteenth birthday, Brian,” Justin spoke with Brian and kissed Brian’s cheek. “Good night, I love you.” He snuggled down further into the sleeping bag and closed his eyes.

Brian closed his eyes for the last time that night and whispered, “I love you, too.”

Justin smiled but didn’t say a word back to Brian. Jennifer had told him that sometimes it was hard for Brian to say he loved people because of how his parents hurt him and that was why he didn’t say it often. Justin was sure that when Brian told him he loved him that he didn’t hurt any more.

***

Friday, October 18th 2007

Justin’s Point of View

“Dada, sleep with me tonight, please?” Leighton begs Brian, clinging desperately to him.

I watch through the crack in Leighton’s bedroom door as Brian tries to soothe our son by patting his back. “For a little while,” Brian answers, his voice cracking.

Leighton allowing Brian to soothe and calm him after his nightmare is huge. Even if he does want Brian a lot, he almost always calls out for me. I was taking the second of my middle of the night bathroom breaks when I heard Brian call to me and tell me that Leighton was crying. By the time I made it to the hall Brian had Leighton relatively calmed down.

Brian gets into the bed and immediately Leighton crawls on top of him, practically smothering Brian. When I try to hold Leighton he seems so big to me, but looking at Brian holding him makes him look so small. It could just be the moment or the position of their bodies but it looks exactly like the picture hanging above Leighton’s bed.

The birthday present from Griffin was the sketch I’d drawn of him and Brian when he was only a little baby. I don’t know where Griffin ever found it or when he decided to have it matted and framed, but I’m thankful he did and so is Leighton. Leighton loved it and I think he understood the symbolic meaning it held because Griffin had given it to him. It was giving Leighton permission to love Brian as his father and to see the love I had for them both when I drew it. I definitely hadn’t expected such a gift for him but I suppose it was quite fitting.

Brian covers them with a blanket and his eyes lock on mine. I give him an encouraging smile and turn to head back to our bedroom. I’m sure Brian will be back in our bed before I wake up for my next bathroom rush. I’m almost to our bedroom when I notice the guest bathroom light is on.

It’s almost one in the morning and I know Molly got home shortly after Brian and I went to our bedroom. I don’t hear the shower running so I’m pretty sure that she’s just using the bathroom. I want to wait for her and ask how things went with her and mom, make sure she understands how happy her spending time with mom made her.

When Molly opens the door she jumps back a little.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you. I just wanted to see how things went with Mom. She was really happy about you spending time with her.” I’m careful not to tell her that she missed out on a lot of mother-daughter time they should’ve had while she was growing up.

Molly brushes her bangs away from her eyes and I notice how blotchy her skin looks in the nightlight coming from the hall lamp. “Things went good,” she says nervously.

“What happened?” I say, feeling extremely disappointed with her. “Did you and mom get in a fight? She was thrilled to finally get to do something with just you and her, Molly.”

“Justin, we didn’t get in a fight. We had a good time.  A really good time,” she speaks quickly, brushing past me.

“Then what’s going on?” I ask, following her as she walks toward her room. “You look sick.”

She stops and turns to face me. “Justin, I’m not sick. The reason I came back here was because Dad hired someone else to fill my position.”

“When did he do that?” I ask. I can’t believe him! Okay, I guess I could believe it, if it was me, but Molly he still considers his child.

“Before I came here,” she says, walking into her bedroom.

I follow her and sit down on the bed beside her when she flops onto her back. “Why did he do that? I thought…”

“You thought Dad liked me better than you?” she cuts me off, staring at me for an answer.

I nod.

“Well, he didn’t. I just hadn’t had a bullshit reason to disappoint him yet.”

“How did you disappoint him, Molly?”

Her eyes get glassy and she sniffles, on the verge of tears. “When I was in France I met a guy at the hotel bar. It was love at first sight, but it only lasted until the next morning.”

“Dad found out about him?”

“Sorta.”

“You’re totally making me go nuts here, what happened?”

“I got pregnant and I truly have no idea who the father of my baby is, Justin. He’s some random guy and I’m just some random idiot girl who is definitely NOT the apple of her father’s eye.”

I swear to god a light wind could blow my huge body over right now. It’s a damn good thing I’m sitting down. I can’t fucking believe my father would do this Molly! “So that’s why you came back here,” I surmise. “Molly, you should’ve told us sooner!”

“I know,” she cries, throwing her arm over her eyes. “I’m sorry; I just don’t know what the hell I’m going to do now.”

I remove her arm and hold her hand in mine. “You told Mom tonight?”

“Yeah,” she whispers, tears rolling down her cheeks. “She was ecstatic until she remembered that I have no job, no home and no father for my child.”

“Dad actually kept it from Mom?” I ask in disbelief.

She sits up and starts shaking her head from side to side.  “He told me that there wasn’t any reason for him to talk to Mom any more because I’m no longer his daughter.”

“That asshole.”

“Yeah, well I didn’t expect any different, Justin.”

“So what do you think you’re going to do, Molly? You can’t just hide here forever.”

“I know. I was hoping that maybe Brian would let me work for him,” she says hopefully, wiping her eyes. “Then maybe I could save up for an apartment.”

“Molly, you can’t just expect Brian to hire you. He might not need anyone right now.”

“I know,” she whispers. “But it’s worth a shot. I’ve already given my resume to a lot companies but I haven’t heard anything. If Brian doesn’t have a position for me then I’ll just keep looking.”

“Are you sure that there isn’t any way you could find that guy?” Maybe at least then he’d be able to help support his child and take some pressure off of Molly.

“There’s no way I would even know where to start. We didn’t exchange names or numbers; the only thing I know for sure is that he’s French. I wasn’t planning on starting a relationship with the guy and he left right after we had sex. There’s no way I’d ever find him.”

Shit. I thought my life was fucked up. I’m too tired to even process how to help Molly right now. “Listen, we’ll talk to Brian in the morning about the job. I’m really tired and my brain isn’t exactly working right now.”

She throws her arms around me and whimpers, “Thank you.”

“I haven’t done anything,” I say, pulling away and standing up.

“You didn’t kick me out,” she retorts. “I was worried you would.”

“Never,” I promise her. “We’ll talk in the morning, Mol. Good night.”

“Good night, Justin.”

***

Saturday, May 25th 2002

Brian’s Point of View

I’m never alone

I’m alone all the time

Are you at one

Or do you lie?

We live in a wheel

Where everyone steals

But when we rise it’s like strawberry fields

If i treated you bad

You bruise my face

Coming to Chicago to visit Leighton and Justin was a horrible idea but we had no other choice.  Originally we’d planned on Justin bringing Leighton to Pittsburgh for the weekend and flying back with him the day after Memorial Day. He still has two weeks of school and then he’ll be coming back to spend the summer with us. Things changed when a pipe under the house burst and we woke up last Sunday to find about two feet of standing water in the kitchen and family room.  

Having this happen is a huge inconvenience but with a newborn in the house it only made things worse. Immediately I called around and got the initial problem taken care of, but Griffin, Evelyn and I had to pack and stay in a hotel for the whole week.  Mom offered us her pull-out sofa, which is where Justin stayed when he and Leighton visited the weekend after Evvie was born, but there was no way with all the baby stuff we could manage in her small condo.

The water ruined our carpet in the family room and made the tile in the kitchen start to bubble so it all has to be replaced. We decided to get wood floors to match the ones we have in most of the rest of the house in both of those rooms. The only company in all of Pittsburgh that had the exact same flooring was only available to do it yesterday and today. Then no one would be able to walk on it for another day after that. If we didn’t get it done now then they wouldn’t be available to put them in for another week.  There’s no way Griffin could handle being out of the house with Evelyn for another week.

Mom had been planning to spend the weekend in New York with Molly and though she said it’d be okay if we all stayed at her house while she was gone, I didn’t feel right about it, especially when Justin said he’d just stay in a hotel room for the weekend. I didn’t want to isolate him like that. It’s different if he’s staying with Mom, then he’s at least visiting with her, but without her there he would’ve been spending the majority of his time holed up alone in his hotel room.  

There was no way that we could all fit into her condo. Thankfully she’s moving into a bigger place next month, but for the time being she’s living in a place she’s selling and it’s the smallest condo I’ve ever seen. When I just go to visit her I swear I feel like I’m tripping over the furniture. It’s amazing she got it sold. That being the case, we decided to call off the trip entirely. But then Leighton started crying and begging to see us and his new sister. Justin offered to let us stay in their house; apparently the entire upstairs is empty besides his the attic which he uses for his studio.

Griffin and I agreed that it would be what was best for Leighton and I must admit that I really wanted to see where Justin was living. Justin seemed really happy when I told him that we’d come. He was so excited and rambled to me so much that my heart started beating really fast and I felt excited with him. We talked about the landmarks he wanted to take us to while we were there or some other time we visit, planning our next trip even before the first had happened. He was so excited to show us the gallery he worked at and made a list of all the things he wanted to cook for the barbecue.  It was the best conversation we had in years.

Justin had to pick all of us up from the airport because none of the rental car companies at the airport I called had anything available on such short notice. They acted like I was crazy for even trying. Justin came to pick us up and we all piled in his car, me in the front seat next to him and Griffin in back with Evelyn and Leighton. The moment our shoulders brushed together when I got in beside him I knew that coming to Chicago had been a bad idea.

Justin had hugged Griffin when we first came out of the gates which completely surprised me, but I felt relieved and was actually considering hugging him next. Then as soon as Leighton tired of hugging me and Evelyn started crying, Griff handed her off to me since it was my turn to change her. When I came back from the bathroom only Leighton and Griffin were waiting for me where I’d left the three of them. Justin had gone to pull the car up, so I accepted that I wasn’t going to hug him the way I had foolishly wanted to.

The electric spark I felt when our bare shoulders met burned me. I felt the spot throbbing, begging me to rub it away the entire ride to his and Leighton’s house. I was glad that Leighton was doing most of the talking, because the shock of touching him once again had made my tongue incapable of forming words. I nodded like some bobble-head doll about all the things Leighton and Justin pointed out to us on the way, and when I wasn’t doing that I was thinking sick, sick thoughts about Justin. Thoughts that I have acted on, thoughts that I know aren’t right.

As we pulled into the driveway of his brownstone I was shaking with the need to get out of the car. It was great to finally see that Justin didn’t live in a shitty neighborhood and I felt relieved to know that he finally had a home, a home far away from me, far away from the places where I tainted him.

I don’t even know if the car was completely in park when I hopped out.  He’d touched me again when he reached for shift between us and his fingers brushed against my thigh making me want to scream. No one noticed my behavior, thankfully. They were so busy talking and carrying on as if it wasn’t the most awkward situation in the fucking world. Maybe it wasn’t for them, but it certainly was for me.

For the first hour I basically hid from Justin by playing with Leighton in his room. Then Griffin called us into the kitchen for a snack. Justin and Leighton had made popsicles out of juice prior to our arrival and I was instructed to eat one so that Leighton’s feelings wouldn’t be hurt. I ate mine and the ‘ice-cream headache’ I got from it did nothing to quell the erection that I popped from watching a man who was most definitely not my husband lick at his popsicle. I almost screamed at both Justin and Griffin in the middle of it, wanting them to tell me how they could be so oblivious to my turmoil.

Why did I ever think it was okay to fuck Justin? Why did I ever think it would be okay if I loved him? It isn’t. It’s not right. I ruined his life because I couldn’t leave him alone. I twisted his mind into thinking that what we did together was okay. He doesn’t understand how wrong it all really was because he was still practically a child when I stripped him of his innocence. He didn’t have a right to choose how he felt about me because I encouraged it when he was too young to understand that he had a choice.

If I hadn’t fallen for Griffin and realized that he could be my out and that he could be the one thing that really separated me and Justin, I would’ve led Justin into a life that’s far worse from the one he’s living now.  Justin deserved far much more than what Griffin or I could ever give him. Yes, I’m still fucking angry at him for cheating on Griffin, even if one of those times it was with me, but really I’m to blame for it all. He never would’ve gotten married to Griffin if it wasn’t for me introducing him to a world of sex when I knew all he really wanted was one man to love him.

This weekend is totally fucked. I don’t know how I’m going to get through it. I love Griffin, I do. I love him! Why is it so easy to love Griffin when I make Justin the bad guy but as soon as I see Justin the way he is now, laughing, holding my daughter and kissing her cheek, completely disregarding the fact that the reason that child exists is because I lured his husband away from him, made him bite the bullet and divorce him so that I could have him, so that I could put my love into someone else, why is that I’m falling in love with him again? I know it’s wrong. I’ve talked myself out of it every single way I can and the easiest way to deal with my feelings is to think of all the things I don’t like about Justin, to vilify him.

But we show up here in his home and he’s suddenly the boy I always have loved. And that’s just the fucked up part right there. I think of him as a boy, that boy that was my little brother, the boy I protected from bullies and from my friends who all wanted a piece of his tight virgin ass. Yeah, I protected him all right. No. It’s always been Justin that’s protected me. I’ve only taken from him. I always did and every time I’m around him I want to hate him because I love him so much that it makes me a monster. He doesn’t deserve what I’ve done to him because I can’t handle my emotions. He doesn’t. The only way to protect him now is to keep doing what I’ve been doing.

Only there’s no way I can hate him when he’s being the kind of man that I wish I could be.

I am totally fucked.

“Brian, you’re dripping that all over,” Griffin chides me, cutting into my thoughts.

I look at my hand and see that it’s covered in melted popsicle which has also created a puddle on the countertop. “Lick it off me,” I prompt him; wanting to receive a pleasure I know is okay.

He laughs and shakes his head. “Go wash your hand off,” he orders me. He puts his mouth next to my ear and whispers, “Don’t be an ass, I doubt that Leighton or Justin want to watch my do that.”

I say nothing and walk over to the sink where Justin just has to meet me to be the good little host and turn on the water for me. “You can just leave the plastic stick in the sink; they can’t go in the dishwasher.”

“Okay,” I croak, turning away from his smile and his blue eyes that are doing that glittering thing they’ve always done which I’ve had to force myself to look away from for years.

***

Justin’s Point of View

Friday, October 18th 2007

Couldn’t love you more

You got a beautiful taste

From the moment Brian fell back asleep in our bed I’ve been awake. The babies are so active and have me in pain in almost any position I’m in besides standing unless I’m lying in the tub. I shifted around in the bed for an hour before I finally gave up and took a bath. Now, it’s almost five a.m. and I’m exhausted, but at least the activity inside me has lessened. Even if the babies start moving around again, I think I’m too tired to notice the pain.

I finish drying myself off and come out of the bedroom naked, prepared to slip on a pair of boxers from my dresser. I’m surprised to see Brian sitting up watching TV and looking completely alert. He’s going to be so tired at work today.

“I’m taking the day off work,” he says, his eyes burning into my skin as I walk over to my dresser. “Depending on how Leighton feels we might want to keep him home too.”

“Okay.” I slide my boxers on, crawl into bed and lay on my side as close as I can get to him. “Did I wake you up?” I ask, running my hand down his chest and twining the sparse hairs between my fingers.

“No,” he answers, shutting off the television and placing the remote on the night stand. “I had a nightmare,” he admits wearily, looking down at me and drawing his right hand down my cheek.

“Was it about Griffin?”

He shakes his head and takes his hand away. “No, it was about Craig.”

“What?” I ask in disbelief. “Why did you dream about him?”

“It wasn’t exactly a dream,” he reveals in a soft voice, “more of a memory. It was a conversation I forgot about but it stayed with me for a really long time.”

“What conversation, Brian?” I place my hand over his and feel his shaking.

“After Griffin told me that you were cheating on him I did something really stupid.”

Immediately my mind flashes to the day he gave me the ultimatum. “Yeah, you did,” I agree, but continue to hold his hand so he knows that even after that, I’m still here.

“Not just that, it’s something else. I haven’t told you this before because I didn’t think it mattered, not if you forgave me for…”

“I have forgiven you, Brian,” I assure him. “I believe that you’ve always loved me, even if you loved someone else much more than you’ll ever be able to love me.”

“That isn’t true, Justin,” he says quickly, turning on his side to face me.

“It isn’t?” I ask. Even though I know we have a different love, I haven’t deluded myself into thinking that it’s the love he’d chose if he had the choice. It wasn’t. He did have the choice, well… sort of.

“Justin, you’re the one. You always were but I let my fears and I let some things your father said ruin it. I might’ve projected my feelings for you into Griffin on accident some of the time but when I really seemed to hate you and really fucking loved him, it wasn’t because I hated you or loved him. It had nothing to do with the real truth.”

“What was the real truth, Brian?” He’s scaring the shit out of me right now!

“I called your Dad and I asked him for his help.”

The world tilts a little around me and I have to open and close my eyes before I can focus on Brian’s remorseful expression once again. “You did what?” I gasp.

“I… I was so fucking confused and what he said to me the last day we saw him in New York kept running through my head.”

I don’t even remember what Craig said to Brian that day but obviously it had to have been something huge. “What did he say? You’re confusing me and scaring me, Brian.”

“I’m not meaning to, Justin, but you have to know. I’ve been thinking about this since we saw my mother and now after this weird nightmarish memory popping into my head again I’ve got to tell you.”

“Then tell me,” I demand in a soft tone, grabbing his hand in mine again.

“He said that I was the reason why your entire life was nothing that you ever wanted. I got all the opportunities you should’ve had. He was sure I’d ruin your life because I’d ruined his.”

“But we know that’s not true,” I say, finally recalling the conversations of that day. “You and I both told him to fuck off.”

“And he told you that he never wanted to see or speak to you again, remember?”

“Yeah, and believe me I know I am better off without him.”

“I thought so until I saw your life crumbling around you, Justin. You had nothing that you ever wanted and it was my entire fault. When Griffin told me you were cheating on him, I thought it was true because I’d made you a slut, the same way I had been. I was so angry at myself because of the feelings I had for you, feelings I knew were wrong to have for you whenever I tried to separate them from what I felt for Griffin.”

“What?” I can’t believe him! “But you know that there’s nothing wrong with loving me, Brian. I fell in love with you the day we met you and even though we grew up as brothers, our relationship was always more than that.”

“I… I know that now but it’s only because I realized that I couldn’t waste any more time with you. I had to take the risk and find out if what I was feeling was really returned, if it was wrong or right. You were my first love and I wanted you to be my last. I had to be honest with myself; I didn’t want to do what I’d done for a decade and force you out of my life any chance I could.”

“I wish you would’ve realized all of that a long time ago, Brian.”

“Me too,” he whispers, kissing my nose. “I don’t know what I was thinking when I called Craig. I shouldn’t have listened to him but at the time it all sounded so true.”

“What exactly did he tell you, Brian?”

***

Wednesday, June 17th 1997

3rd Person Point of View

Don’t let the days go by

Could have been easier on you

I couldn’t change though i wanted to

“Brian, you’re due back at work soon. Wake up,” Justin called softly, shaking Brian’s shoulder.

Brian’s eyes opened and locked on Justin’s. Immediately he felt heat pass between them and the only thing that stopped him from pulling Justin into a kiss was the baby sleeping on his chest. He blinked quickly; hoping that Justin’s face would stop looking like it was glowing in the afternoon sun coming in through the windows. “How long was I out?”

“Just a few minutes,” Justin whispered.

Brian placed Leighton in the playpen and covered him with the blue blanket he found draping over one side. “You’re sure he’s not going to wake up in here?” he asked Justin, sitting down beside him on the couch.

“I like him close to me,” Justin replied, closing his sketchbook.

“Let me see that,” Brian said, grabbing the sketchbook and flipping it open.

Justin felt like Brian was tearing his heart open as he watched him slowly flip through each page of the sketchbook. Every single page included something that had to do with Brian. There was a picture of his house, his car and countless pictures of the man himself.

Brian could hear Justin’s breathing quicken with every page he examined. Instead of drawing his husband, he was drawing him. Brian felt like each sketch was a testament to the sickness he’d infected Justin with. He’d ruined Justin’s innocence, ruined his chance to find love with a man that loved him.

Justin grabbed the sketchbook, closed it and held it securely against his chest. “Nothing’s really finished,” he lied. “I don’t have much time to sketch.”

Brian cleared his throat and looked down at Justin; his cheeks were pink in embarrassment and his blue eyes sparkled with unshed tears. “They’re good,” he said truthfully. “You should show them to Griff.”

“No,” Justin said quickly.

“Why not?” Brian asked. “He’s your husband. I’m sure he’d like to see them.”

“I don’t feel comfortable showing them to him,” Justin said. “I wouldn’t have shown you if you hadn’t grabbed it and looked yourself.”

Brian knew that it wasn’t the truth. Justin felt comfortable enough to allow him to look at every page before he took it away from him. “I’ve got to get back to work,” he said, standing up from the couch.

“Will you come by tomorrow?” Justin asked hopefully.

Brian shivered as he watched Justin’s eyes rake over his body. “No, I’ve got a lot of meetings so I won’t be able to come by.”

“Maybe you could come Friday then?” Justin asked, standing and walking after Brian toward the apartment door.

“Can’t,” Brian spoke abruptly.

Justin frowned. “Oh, okay. I was just… I was hoping you and I could…”

Brian interrupted, “You know, you should get out of this house. Maybe you could take Leighton to an art museum or to the park or something.”

“He’s too little for any of that,” Justin said, confused as to why Brian would suggest it.

“You need to do something for yourself, Justin.”

Justin shrugged. “I do things for myself. I go out every Thursday night with Daphne and I do lots of stuff with you.”

“But you don’t do anything with Griffin. Why is that?” Brian pressed.

Justin narrowed his eyes at Brian. “He doesn’t have the time.”

Brian didn’t want to get Justin angry. It was his fault that Justin was the way he was anyway. He’d taught him that sex and love were two different things and that they rarely meshed. Whatever Justin’s feelings were for him sprung from wrongful actions Brian had made him believe were right. “I’ll call you soon,” he whispered, bringing Justin into his arms. He held him close for a few minutes, guiltily reveling in the smell of his hair, the warmth of his skin and the feel of his body pressed close to his.

Justin felt something shift between him and Brian as the man pulled away from him. He couldn’t tell exactly what it was, but it made his heart ache painfully.

“Bye, Justin,” Brian said, opening and closing the apartment door behind him.

As Brian walked down the steep steps of the apartment building the desperation he felt built inside of him. As he reached his car he saw the couple who lived beside Justin get out of their truck. They were screaming at one another about who had taken the last of the beer money and continued their fight all the way up the stairs.

He saw Justin peek his head out of the window and then quickly close the drapes as his neighbors passed his door. The neighborhood hadn’t been a good place to live when they were college students but it had only gotten worse. Griffin was making good money now so there was no reason why they couldn’t move. When Brian had broached the subject with Griffin, the man had told him that Justin didn’t want to move. Brian suspected that Justin was holding on to the memories of them living there together.

Justin had nothing and his future, if Brian didn’t find some way to help him, would be nothing like the one he dreamed of when they were kids. Brian knew that he had to do something. There was no way he could tell Jennifer about what he observed in Justin. She was barely financially stable enough and just as adamant about not accepting his money as Justin was. He’d have to figure out a way to financially and emotionally help Justin or he’d never live a life anything close to his dreams.

Brian got into his car and got out his cell phone. He dialed a number he wasn’t sure why he kept in his contacts but as he asked the secretary for him he felt mildly relieved.

Craig clicked to the waiting call and spoke into the receiver, “This is Craig Taylor.”

“Craig, it’s Brian.”

“When my secretary said you were on the phone, I was sure she was mistaken.”

“Obviously not,” Brian grumbled.

“I doubt you’d be calling me unless you wanted something, so cut to the chase and tell me what you want.”

“Justin’s in trouble,” Brian said, second-guessing calling Craig when he couldn’t come up with a better way to admit that he’d fucked up Justin’s life.

“Why are you calling me?” Craig huffed. “He’s of no concern of mine as long as he has anything to do with you. Shouldn’t you be talking to Jen?”

“Mom can’t know what’s going on, she’d….”

“She’d want to disown you too?”

“No… it’s not that,” Brian defended himself even though deep down he felt that Craig was right.

“Of course it is,” Craig said snidely. “Justin refused to listen to me about you, Brian. He did everything you wanted him to do and now he’s married to some guy he knew for a few months, has a child with him and he’s in some kind of trouble. I’m guessing whatever this trouble is it has to be really bad or you wouldn’t have called me.”

“The man he’s married to, Griffin, he doesn’t love him,” Brian confessed. “He isn’t happy and he isn’t doing anything with his life except waiting for…”

“You?” Craig cut in. “Of course he doesn’t love that guy, he loves you,” Craig said simply. “He always has loved you and that’s because you’ve twisted his mind into believing that it was okay. It’s sick what you’ve done to him, Brian. You were raised to be his brother and you took advantage of him.”

Brian said nothing to deny that. “I want to help him.”

“If you mean that, then you need to stay away from him.”

“I can’t!” Brian gasped. “He’s my best friend, I love him and I love Gri….” Brian stopped.  “Griffin is my friend too.”

Craig wasn’t fooled by Brian’s cover. “You’re in love with Justin’s husband?”

Brian knew he loved Griffin but he wasn’t going to admit that to Craig; he was already telling the man too much. “I... I feel differently about him than I do Justin.”

“You want to be with him?” Craig persisted.

“Justin or Griffin?” Brian asked, but as soon as he spoke the words he damned himself.

“I was talking about Griffin,” Craig replied angrily. “You don’t love Justin, Brian. If you loved him then you wouldn’t have feelings for someone else.”

Brian’s confusion fueled the anger inside of him to boil forth. “You don’t know how I feel, Craig. You gave up on love a long time ago.”

“I gave up on watching my son fall for someone like you. I gave up on trying to make my wife see what a mistake you were. If you want to help Justin then you need to show him exactly what I see in you. You need to show him what your parents saw in you, Brian.”

Brian gulped down the bitter bile that rushed into his mouth. “What do you, did they see?” he asked.

“A boy who takes what they can from everyone, a kid who uses everyone around them. You call yourself a man all you want, Brian. You’re still that kid. You’re a liar and you don’t care who you hurt.”

“I never wanted to hurt him,” Brian choked out.

“If that’s true, if you love Justin and want him to have a good life, then you need to help him get away from Griffin and you. I know you’re smart; you’ll figure out how to do that. Show him the truth of how you feel about Griffin, which is obvious to me. He’s so blinded by you and the only thing that’ll make him get on with his life and be the man he was supposed to be before you came along is if he doesn’t want to know you. You understand what I’m saying, Brian?”

“Yes,” Brian hissed, angry at himself for not seeing how right Craig was. He hated Craig, but that didn’t mean that Craig wasn’t right.

“You do it and I’ll see what I can do to help him financially,” Craig replied.

“He won’t take any help you can give him!” Brian spat and hung up the phone. He didn’t want to listen to Craig, but he’d done the right thing calling him.

Brian wasn’t sure if he could do what was needed to cut Justin out of his life. He wouldn’t be able to see Justin hurting, knowing that he had caused it. The only way he’d be able to hurt Justin was if Justin wasn’t Justin. If he could think of him differently then Justin would be free of him.

Should have been easier by three

Our old friend fear and you and me

Glycerine

Glycerine

***

Justin’s Point of View

Friday, October 18th 2007

Don’t let the days go by

Glycerine

Don’t let the days go by

Ah, Glycerine

Glycerine

Oh, Glycerine

Glycerine

“Justin, I’m sorry,” Brian whispers, wiping the sweat from face with a warm washcloth.

The moment Brian finished revealing the conversation he had with Craig I had to race into the bathroom and vomit. My entire insides had shaken with every new sentence out of his mouth and in the end my entire body was shaking as I tried to ward off the nausea.

“How could you have forgotten that?” I ask backing away from his attention.

“I honestly don’t know, Justin. I’ve been remembering bits and pieces about it but it didn’t make sense until I saw it all happening in my dream. It was like once I decided that I had to go through with it, I owned it so much that I forgot the true catalyst.”

“You still think our love is wrong?” I ask, holding his eyes with my own.

“No. I just… I knew I had to tell you the whole truth. Please, Justin. Believe me. I love you and I hate what I did.”

“You hate that we fucked when we younger?” I ask for clarification.

“No, no… I don’t regret that. Not anymore, because I know that everything we did back then was because I was in love with you. I was so in love with you and I wanted you. I wanted you more than I could let myself believe was okay to want you.”

I step closer to him and place my hand over his cock, the warmth passing through his underwear to my hand, prompting me to give him a small squeeze. “Is it okay, now?”

He wraps his arms around me and leans his forehead against mine and whispers, “It was always okay. It was.”

I put both of my hands on his waist and push him back a little bit. “You ruined my life, Brian. Not because I was in love with you. You ruined my life when you allowed your fears to separate us, to tear my soul out every time I had to bear your hatred. The only thing that kept me alive was Leighton.”

“I know.”

“My father did try to help me financially,” I admit. “A little while after Griffin and I divorced he called me and offered me a job in New York, contingent on the promise that I never have anything to do with you again.”

“You didn’t tell me that,” he gasps, running his hands through his hair and turning away from me.

“Yeah, well, you didn’t tell me a lot of stuff, Brian. Besides, it didn’t matter back then. I doubted that you cared about me at all.”

“But you still said no to his offer?”

“Of course I still said no,” I say, angry that he would question that. “I loved you. I always loved you, Brian. No one, not Craig and definitely not you, was or is going to stop that.”

“So, you still love me?” Brian asks me in a tone reminiscent of one he used when we were kids and he asked me the same thing.

“I’m pissed at you, Brian,” I say and see him wince. “Even though I know that Craig took advantage of your fears, I still am angry that you just didn’t talk to me and tell me how you were feeling.” I take his hand and place it over my heart. “But didn’t you just hear what I said? I’m not going to ever stop loving you.”

***

3rd Person Point of View

Saturday, May 30, 1992

Bad moon white again

Bad moon white again

And she falls around me

I needed you more

When you wanted us less

I could not kiss just regress

It might just be clear, simple and plain

Well, that’s just fine, that’s just one of my names

Don’t let the days go by

Could’ve been easier on you, you, you

Glycerine, Glycerine

Glycerine, Glycerine

“You did it,” Brian said, hugging Justin and spinning him around.

Justin laughed and kicked the suite’s door closed. “You think I would’ve accepted his offer?”

“Well, you did say you’d consider it when he told you over the phone,” Brian reminded Justin. “That is why we came to New York.”

Justin flopped onto the center of the king-sized bed and wiggled against the crisp white comforter. “This is why we came to New York.” He spread his arms and legs out and let out a deep sigh. “A free trip to New York.”

Brian’s eyes zeroed in on Justin’s hands, his long slender fingers gripped the white fabric and the innocent move aroused him. “The trip around Europe didn’t tempt you at all?” Brian asked, turning his back on Justin and walking toward the wet bar.

“Nope.”

Something about the way the word popped out of Justin’s mouth vibrated into Brian’s body, bringing forth both goosebumps and heated sparks which danced across his skin. He let out a deep breath and bent to retrieve a bottle of water from the mini-fridge, wishing there was something alcoholic within it. He was sure that when Craig had booked the hotel room for Justin he’d made sure that they take all the alcohol out of the room.

“Brian, you know what would really stick it to my dad?” Justin said mysteriously.

“What?” Brian asked after taking a long drink of water; he still couldn’t face Justin.

“If we went out to a club and brought a guy home to fuck me.”

Brian spun around. “What?”

Justin turned on his side and giggled. “You should see your face!”

Brian changed his expression to look completely non-affected, casually placed his water bottle on the dresser and launched himself on top of Justin.

“Oomf!” Justin’s breath left his body as Brian’s full weight clobbered him.

“You think it’s funny to tease me?” Brian asked, maneuvering their bodies so he could straddle Justin’s waist.

“Yes,” Justin dared to reply, wiggling beneath Brian and trying to push him off his body.

Brian captured Justin’s wrists and pinned them above his head. “You’re lucky I don’t take my belt off, tie you up and spank you.”

“Really?” Justin asked in throaty taunt.

Brian gave Justin a barely perceptible nod but silently cursed his words and actions. He climbed off Justin and lay beside him on his back. “You weren’t ever spanked,” he said, trying to save them both. “You wouldn’t be able to handle what I’d do to you.”

Justin propped himself on his side, using his elbow to support his head, pressing their foreheads together. He smirked and said, “I can handle anything you can give me, Brian.”

Brian sucked in a deep breath and closed his eyes. Don’t respond to him, he told himself. Apparently, you can’t fucking talk one sentence that doesn’t sound like a come-on, so just don’t say a fucking word!

Justin boldly placed his hand over Brian’s erection. “Look at me, Brian,” he coaxed the man.

Brian caught Justin’s wrist and tried to move his hand away from his dick and refused to open his eyes as he spoke, “Stop.”

“I don’t want to,” Justin spoke, leaning closer to Brian’s face so his breath warmed Brian’s lips. “Open your eyes.”

Brian gave in and released Justin, brazenly arching into the hand fondling him. “Don’t do this,” he begged.

“Please,” Justin begged back. “Look at me. See how much I want you.”

The moment Brian opened his eyes he pushed Justin away from him and scrambled off the bed. “You don’t want me. You’re confused.”

“I’m not,” Justin replied and held out his hand to Brian.

“This situation you put me in is completely fucked, Justin!” Brian’s aggravated words echoed around the room until all that was left was the sound of their heavy breathing.

The courage Justin had gained from turning down his father’s offer for a car, college tuition and a trip around Europe was waning with every breath he took. He’d never seen Brian look at him with such animalist need crossed with flashing fear and apprehension. The moments of silence stretched between them like a rubber band begging to be plucked. Voice vibrating, shaking the string pulling them together, Justin spoke. “I don’t want you to do anything you haven’t always wanted to do, Brian.”

Brian exploded, “What you’re asking me will forever change who we are to one another! Don’t you get that?”

Justin nodded vigorously and patted the bed beside him. “Sit down, you know I hate when you stand above me like this, it’s intimidating and I can’t think straight.”

Brian obeyed Justin only because the look in Justin’s eyes made him weak kneed and he wasn’t sure how much longer he could stand. “You don’t know what you’re doing. This isn’t a game,” he warned the younger man.

Justin crawled behind Brian, placed his chin on his shoulder and whispered into his ear, “Brian, with everyone else that’s what it’d be. I’d be a virgin prize. Another piece of boy ass. But that’s not how I want my first lover to think of me. You don’t think of me like that, do you?”

Brian’s dick strained in his jeans, leaked into his briefs and throbbed so steadily for Justin he idly wondered if Justin had been put on the earth to torture him. He gulped a deep breath of resignation and answered Justin the only way could. “No.”

Justin cupped Brian’s chin and turned his face so their eyes met and their lips brushed together. “I want you to take my virginity, Brian. I’ve always wanted it to be you.”

Brian couldn’t escape the heat in Justin’s eyes or the sinful lust beating in his own heart. It was up to him to be the adult; Justin was barely eighteen. It was up to him to stop them from reaching the place he’d been leading Justin to for years. It was up to him to stand up on his weak knees, grab his heart back from Justin’s grasp and walk out of the hotel room. It was up him to cap the sparks he’d ignited years ago and end their suffering.

“I can’t take that from you,” said Brian, invisible cotton invading his mouth as he rebuffed his best friend. “I can’t.” He turned his body and pushed Justin further away from him. “I won’t do that to you.” Justin’s face turned pale white and it sickened Brian to see that he’d caused such a change in the blond’s demeanor.

Justin closed his eyes to hold back the tears that sprung into them and in the split second that the world went dark a memory jumped into his mind, stopping his tears and binding hope to his request. He met Brian’s eyes again, squared his shoulders and suggested his ultimate fantasy, “We could be equals and then it wouldn’t be like you were taking anything away from me, Brian.”

The amount of confusion encompassing Brian’s mind and body in reaction to Justin’s words was immeasurable. “What are you talking about?” The instant the question left his mouth he damned himself for continuing the conversation when he’d been so sure that he had ended it.

“When I asked you what it felt like to have sex, you only told me what it felt like to be inside someone, but not how it felt to have someone inside of you,” Justin explained, smirking triumphantly at his thoughts. “You’re still a virgin, Brian.”

“I’m not a virgin,” Brian denied, eyes wide at the insane assessment.

Justin cocked his head to the side and placed his hand on top of Brian’s. “You know what I mean. Unless you’ve let someone fuck you in the last couple of weeks, then you’re a bottom virgin.”

Brian licked his lips as the dangerous understanding dawned upon him. “You want to fuck me?” he asked in a throaty whisper.

Justin nodded. “I want to, after you fuck me. Then we’re even. We’ve only taken the same thing that the other has given.”

“That isn’t…”

Justin pressed his mouth to Brian’s, swallowing the brunet’s protest with his need. His arms wound around Brian’s body, his fingers dug themselves into hard muscle, daring the other man to pull away from him. He forced so much of himself into the kiss that he gasped in surprise when Brian began kissing him with unrestrained fervor. Attainment laced the smile he meshed against Brian’s lips and he swore he tasted the same feeling upon Brian’s tongue when it met his own.

Brian didn’t want to think with his rational mind any longer. It was too hard to fight with Justin’s reasoning when his body ached fiercely for the blond. He caved to the overflowing desire and shoved his hands under Justin’s t-shirt, moaning into his mouth when the spark caught fire against his fingertips.

Justin spread his legs wide, pulled Brian down on top of his body and rutted against him, moved his hands to pull Brian’s hair and nip on his bottom lip twice before holding his face a hairsbreadth away from his own. “I want to see you, I want to see you,” he panted.

Brian surrendered silently, his admission of need composed of his body readily fulfilling Justin’s request in earnest. Time slowed, their breaths slowed as he stepped out of his briefs and walked over to his suitcase. He retrieved a couple of condoms, threw one to Justin and placed the rest on the nightstand. He had to go into the bathroom to find his toiletry bag where he kept the bottle of lube, knowing that the single packet he had in his suitcase wasn’t going to be enough for that night’s activities.

Justin hurried out of his clothing and had just thrown his second sock to the floor when Brian reappeared, slick in one hand and stroking his huge hard cock with his other. Justin shivered from the tips of his toes to the top of his head and for a quick moment became unsure if he was strong enough to hold off from coming instantly. His body’s reaction to Brian’s naked body intensified as Brian stroked himself while sauntering back over to the bed.

Brian crawled in between Justin’s legs as the blond spread them wide. Justin smiled with anticipation curving his full lips as Brian grabbed the condom and tore it open with his teeth. He allowed the blond to help guide the latex over his dick and shuddered when Justin took the lube from his hand and slicked it along his cock. He leaned back and watched in amazement as Justin’s eyes closed and his wet fingers searched for his hole, adding lubricant just to the outside of his entrance before pulling his hand away.

“You need more,” Brian warned, grabbing for the lube but stopping his movement when Justin shook his head at him.

“I’ve been using a dildo for years,” Justin whispered. “I want to feel you inside me. I want it to hurt.”

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Brian replied, taking the lube in his hand and squirting some on his fingers.

Justin pulled his legs up toward his chest and hooked his arms under his knees, allowing Brian easy access to his asshole. He pushed down as Brian’s long pointer finger pushed into him and heaved a breath of pain as he wiggled it around.

Brian expertly prepared Justin and filed away every moment of Justin’s pleasure into his memory. After stretching Justin with three fingers and feeling how close the blond was to coming, he finally brought his fingers out of his ass and helped Justin move his legs up on to his shoulders. “You ready?” he asked, holding his cock against Justin’s hole.

Justin nodded and placed his hands on Brian’s hips, his whole body stretched, opened for Brian. He didn’t feel pain when Brian pushed into him; his whimper was born from exquisite pleasure and satisfaction.

Brian had never felt anything as tight, so forbidden, so fucking fulfilling and hot as he did the moment his cock was completely surrounded by Justin’s ass. He had to close his eyes tight and hold still, afraid of moving or seeing Justin’s expression, sure it would make him come because he was so close to losing himself.

“Fuck me, Brian,” Justin moaned, digging his finger nails into Brian’s skin. “Fuck me.” He raised his ass from the bed to encourage the man to move. “Please.”

Brian opened his eyes and held Justin’s gaze until his vision blurred as he kissed him, pulled out a fraction of an inch and thrust himself inside of him again.