Point of View

Chapter Two: “Cold Contagious”

Thursday, January 4, 2007
Brian’s P.O.V.

Wherever you are, you will carry always

The truth of the scars

And the darkness of your faith,

Slowly move on,

How did we get to here,

It all went wrong,

Gravity claiming all your tears

“Don’t ever scare me like that again,” I whisper to my husband.

He looks at me with a sad expression. “Brian… don’t do this.”

“Do what?” Yes. I know. Not only do I have a huge dick, but also I can be a huge dick too.

“They…” he moves the sleeping baby a little closer to his chest and looks down at her before he finishes his sentence. “Next time… it’ll be for real.”

I know how much saying those words took out of him. But, I don’t want to hear this shit! I don’t want him telling me that he’s going to give up next time! I don’t want a fucking next time! I don’t want…

“I feel like I’m barely here, Brian,” he whispers, interrupting my thoughts with his small voice and pinning me down with his dimmed eyes. “I didn’t want to die on the day she was born. I want you to celebrate that day.”

“You’re here,” I tell him, taking his hand in mine. “You’re here with me. It’s going to be okay. You’re going to celebrate that day with me next year and many years after that.”

“Brian, please,” his voice raises and his chest starts to move up and down rapidly. The baby wiggles around, not liking the way he’s moving.

“Griffin?”

I turn and look at the man that just entered the hospital room. “What are you…?”

Griffin’s hand squeezes my arm, as much as his strength will allow. “Come in,” he tells the man. His tone is now a whisper and he’s calmed down.

I glare as the man walks closer to the bed, his eyes scanning around the room. I can tell he’s trying to put on a brave front, but that’s too bad. This is the reality. Isn’t it? That’s what Griffin is telling me. This is it! He’s giving up. He doesn’t want a future with his family or me.

“Thank you for coming,” Griffin tells him.

“Of course, Griff. I told you I’d be here,” he says sweetly.

The asshole manages a smile and I want to rip it off his face. Who the fuck is he to smile at a time like this? Fuck him!

“Brian, why don’t you go and get some coffee?”

“I’m fine,” I lie.

“Then have a cigarette, or get some fresh air,” Griffin suggests firmly.

I look at him as if he’s lost his mind. “I’m not leaving you.”

“I’ll be here when you get back,” his eyes promise me this, but his voice sounds so broken I’m not sure if I believe him. “I will,” this time it’s a stronger statement.

I look at the both of them and sigh before I get up from the hospital bed. I lean down and kiss Griffin with everything I have in me. One of his hands holds my cheek and his fingertips separate our lips.

I stare into his eyes and a million words pass between our glances before I turn my head away. I glare at the other man on my way to the door. My mind chants, “He’ll be here when you get back,” and I close the room’s door behind me.

***

November 1989

3rd Person P.O.V.

Everything looks

So much better now

Justin threw the blanket up over his chest. “Brian!”

Brian shut Justin’s bedroom door behind him. “What?”

Justin tried to breathe evenly. “Can you go?”

“Why? I thought we were going to hang out.” Brian walked toward Justin’s bed but stopped in his footsteps when he noticed the sweat and flush of red on Justin’s face.

“I’m busy, Brian.”

Brian laughed and snickered, “I see that.”

Justin rolled to his side and hid his face under his pillow. “Go away,” he mumbled.

Brian sat down on the bed and removed the pillow. “You smell like sex," he teased in a raspy voice.

“Oh god,” Justin groaned and covered his face. “Leave me alone.”

Brian couldn’t help but get hard himself. He shifted uncomfortably and turned Justin onto his back. “You don’t have to be embarrassed. I’m hard too. I bet you get a boner just thinking about sex.” He grabbed Justin’s hand and pressed it onto his erection. “I do.”

Justin snapped his hand away from Brian’s groin. “Brian, that’s gross. We’re like brothers.”

“We’re not brothers,” Brian whispered. He straddled Justin’s legs and asked, “What were you thinking about when you were jacking off?”

Justin licked his lips and shivered against the feeling of Brian’s hand sneaking under the covers and rubbing his stomach, millimeters away from his dick. “A guy,” Justin spoke roughly.

Brian closed his hand around Justin’s warm cock and tugged on it. “Duh,” he laughed out. “Tell me about him.”

Justin squeezed his eyes closed and arched into Brian’s stroking. “He has the perfect body.”

Brian leaned forward and put his face by Justin’s ear. He whispered, “Take my cock out and stroke me too.”

Justin opened his eyes and reached down to Brian’s pants. He slowly opened the zipper of the brunet’s jeans and reached his hand inside the black underwear. “Oh,” he gasped aloud when he touched Brian’s cock and pulled it out. “You have a really big dick,” he said in awe.

Brian laughed, kissed Justin’s cheek and squeezed the head of his dick between his fingers. “Yours isn’t too bad either.”

***

Thursday, January 4 2007

Justin’s P.O.V.

You will get yours

You have no right to ask me now

You were never that around

I have missed, reality day-trips and your

Suit me suit me ways

“Hey,” I walk closer to Griffin once Brian closes the door behind us.

“Hi,” he whispers to me, almost shyly. “I had a baby.” His thin eyelashes bat as he looks down at his daughter and then back up at me.

“I see that,” I chuckle. I look at the little baby and I think she looks just like Leighton and Evelyn. “She’s definitely yours, Griffin,” I tell him, smiling.

His expression darkens. “How are the kids?”

I let out a deep breath as my mind flashes to the scene I left at my mother’s house. I have to lie to him, and it won’t be the first time. “They’re all fine. My mom bought them happy meals and they’re watching Enchanted. You’re sure you don’t want me to bring them here?”

Griffin shakes his head. “No, they don’t need to see me like this. They’ve seen enough sickness. Don’t you think?”

I don’t know what to say to that so I just shrug my shoulders.

“Did you tell them I was going to be okay?”

“No.” Of course I didn’t. I couldn’t lie to them. I don’t approve of the way Griffin’s decided to go about all this, however. I’m angry with him for it, but how in the fuck can you go against a dying man’s wishes?

“Did you tell them that I’m not coming home?”

That’s what he wanted. But, I wasn’t going to tell them that, because I have to believe that he still might. “They know you’re still very sick and that you’re worse than you were when you left for the hospital. But they also know they have a new little sister,” I tell him softly as I move closer to him.

“I’m not going home ever again,” he whispers.

I know what he’s saying is true. I’ve known it for awhile, but until he spoke those words, I did have a little hope left in me. He shattered it, indefinitely. I try to hold back my emotions, but I feel a few rebellious tears escape my eyes and fall down my cheeks.

“You all right?” he asks.

“No.” I wipe the tears away.

“You’ll be okay though,” he says so factually.

“I… I don’t think so,” I whisper.

“You will be, Justin. You’re so strong, but I’m not sure about Brian.” His eyes tear up but he blinks his eyelashes quickly, holding them at bay.

I gently lay my hand on his bony shoulder. “Brian’s strong,” I tell him in a nearly ironically weak voice.

“I know he is. He has been, but not now.” Griffin shakes his head at me. “When the nurse handed her to him,” both of his hands tighten on the baby bundled in his arms, “he wasn’t even there.”

“What do you mean?” I brush my fingertips along the little girl’s beautiful face.

“He looked at her, but there wasn’t any emotion in his eyes.”

“He was probably just shocked.” I’m not defending Brian; I just don’t want Griffin to be worrying about this right now.

“No, he blames her,” he whimpers out and takes a long deep breath. “He blames her for being born.”

I can’t believe what I’m hearing. “This isn’t her fault, and he has to know that.”

“He does, deep down. But in his heart, he thinks it’s his fault. For now, he’s blaming her because he doesn’t know how to handle the situation.”

“I don’t think anyone would know what to do in his position.” I sure as fuck don’t have a clue as to what I’m supposed to do.

“He hasn’t held her and he won’t discuss names with me. Ever since we found out and I went off chemo, he hasn’t been the same. Haven’t you noticed that?”

I don’t make a point to notice much about Brian anymore. “Maybe he’s just scared,” I say quietly.

“It’s more,” he stops and inhales a huge breath and gasps out, “than that. He really doesn’t want anything to do with her, Justin. He’s so terrified of her.”

I’ve done my best not to see the sickness eating away at Griffin. I’ve had this image in my head of what he looked like and every time I’ve seen him, I put that image in the forefront of my brain to disguise the truth. But now, I suddenly see what has happened to him. My ex-husband, my ex-best friend and father of my child is wasting away. He’s barely recognizable to the fake image I’ve perceived. Griffin is dying. He’s really fucking dying!

“I’ve tried to talk to him about how he’s going to go on after this. I’m going to die today,” he grits out in a shaky breath.

“Please,” I interrupt him. “Don’t fucking say that, Griffin!”

“I have to tell someone,” his voice raises in pitch again. “No one believes me. They don’t think I can be so aware of what’s going on inside of me. They don’t think I know what has been eating me alive. I’ve connected with it, bargained with it, but I have nothing left to give it. It’s stolen everything from me and I know that.” He grabs the oxygen mask and puts it over his mouth for a few seconds to take rattling breaths of air. “Listen to me Justin,” he speaks after setting the plastic beside him again.

I nod my head so he’ll continue. I have nothing helpful to say. His desperation flows into my soul and I believe him. I don’t want to believe him. But he is so certain and I will not make him feel like what he is saying is silly. He must know the truth of his fate. Because he looks like he’s already dead. He has the knowledge one is said only to receive at the end of their life or in there after.

“I don’t think Brian’s going to be able to care for himself, let alone Evelyn and certainly not our baby. She’ll be the last one he thinks about, if he can think.” Again with oxygen.

“Brian wouldn’t abandon her,” I tell him, so sure of it myself. Then, there’s the wise way he’s looking at me that tells me he knows what the future will hold for his husband and child. It sends chills up and down my spine.

“She’ll be the reason; the reminder of what he believes took me from him. I’m scared to leave him… because I don’t know if he’ll be okay.”

“He will be. Brian would never do anything to harm her. He’ll love her.”

“I know he wouldn’t mean to hurt her. But I don’t think he’s going to try to bond with her either. No one’s noticed the way he’s acted the entire pregnancy. Justin, the way he acted when she was placed in his arms, it was so different that it was when he held Evelyn for the first time.”

“That’s because this is different than Evvie’s birth. But Griff, I’m sure that he’ll be all right in time. You can’t be worrying about this right now.”

“Justin, when am I going to worry about it? When I die?” His hand reaches out to grab mine and he looks at me so sternly. “If I stopped worrying, I’d lay back and let it take me.”

“Then you should worry forever,” I say softly.

He smiles and takes another hit of false air. “I can’t control this, not really. I’ve tried to hold on until today so that her birthday wouldn’t be the same day as my death. She doesn’t deserve that burden too. Justin, I’m worried that as soon as I go my baby won’t have anyone. I’m so tired Justin but I can’t leave her alone. I’ve kept it up this long and all I want to do is to go to sleep,” he cries. “I can feel it swallowing me but I’m fighting so hard so that she won’t be alone. You’re the only one that can help her.”

I swallow the lump forming in my throat and look at him with disbelief. I scan his face, his eyes, to see if maybe it’s the drugs given to him, that is making him say these things, but all I see is truth. “God, Griff!” I back away form him. “What do you want me to do?”

“He’s going to need someone, Justin,” he says pleading with me.

“No, don’t do this, Griffin. You know how much Brian and I don’t get along. You know that I’ll be taking Leighton back home with me so he can start back at his school when the semester starts. I can’t…”

“You promised me, Justin,” he whispers.

I stop pacing and stare at him. “I’ve broken every promise I ever made to you.”

“Except one, Justin,” his voice wobbles.

“What?” I start to wiggle my feet on the tile floor nervously. Honestly, I can’t think of one fucking thing I ever promised him that I followed through with, not one.

“When you took Leighton to Chicago you promised me that’d you’d take care of him. You told me you’d never let anything get in the way of you being a good father. You promised to be a good father to him, Justin.”

“I will be. I will be a good father.” What does that have to do with anything? “I’ll give him everything he could ever…”

“You can’t take him away from Brian and Evelyn,” he interrupts.

“I’m not going to leave him here with Brian!” I say, appalled. “I can’t just leave him here like you…” I stop, and run my hands down my face, wanting to claw my eyes out.

“Like I’m going to leave him you mean?”

I take my hands away from my face and look at him. I expect to see so much hurt and pain but there isn’t any there, just regret. “I’m sorry I…”

“You were only telling the truth. And I want you to tell me the truth too,” he whispers.

I walk back over to him and sit in the chair beside his bed. “What truth, Griff?” Oh, god, please don’t tell me he knows and is going to bring it up now!

He squeezes his eyes shut and then puts his sweaty, cold hand into mine. “You really don’t know do you?” His eyes burn into mine and I shiver all the way down my spine.

“No…” I choke out. I’m a liar. I fucking huge piece of shit, fucking liar!

He looks back at me and nods as if I just confessed it all. “You want to make it all up to me, don’t you?”

What is this blackmail from his deathbed? That’s sick! “Yes,” I answer him quickly. I want forgiveness but I’m not sure what I am answering ‘yes’ too. There are so many things that I need to make up for. I’m so confused and I don’t know which monumental fuck up he’s referring too.

“I want you to hold her,” he tells me, shifting the baby around in his arms.

Is this my penance? I take the baby into my arms and the weight of this act is almost too much. Oh god, she’s so small, she’s so fucking small and new. I feel like I barely have anything to hold onto in this whole fucking mess of a situation. I feel like I don’t have a place, a right. But here it is. Here she is, cradled safely in my arms.

“Will you help him?”

I look at Griffin through my tears and sigh. “He… he isn’t going to want my help, Griff.”

“He’s going to have to take it Justin. I’ll talk to him about it. He won’t…”

“He won’t deny you anything. He never has,” I say softly.

“You were best friends once,” Griffin whispers. “You were brothers and best friends before I came along and ruined it for you.”

I rock the baby and shake my head at him. “That isn’t true. If you wouldn’t have come along then we wouldn’t have Leighton or Evelyn or…” I look down at the baby. “What do you want to name her?”

“I want Brian to decide. I haven’t really thought of any, because I thought that if he named her, he might… love her.” He takes more air this time and his chest moves so quick, you’d think he just finished running a mile.

“He does love her; she’s a part of you. I know more than anyone, how much Brian loves you, Griffin.”

“I suppose you do,” he concedes and smiles at me. Something about his expression though makes me see that he’s in pain. I want to help him, but I know there isn’t anything I can do for him, except what he asking of me now.

“Brian will probably be back in a few minutes,” he says. “Why don’t you set her in the crib, that way he’s forced to pick her up and bring her to me when I ask to hold her?”

I know he’s sort of joking, but at the same time, he isn’t. That’s incredibly sad. Fuck. I want to be angry with Brian, it isn’t very hard for me to be angry with him, but at this time, I can’t be. I can only partially imagine what it will be like for him when… No, I can’t think about it yet. I have to be strong. I kiss the baby’s cheek, take a deep breath, place the sleeping pink bundled child into the crib, and walk back over to Griffin.

He positions the mask so that it rests just over his mouth but allows him to talk. “Brian is going to be a colossal mess. I want you to know that it’s okay for you to fall apart too. We may not be married anymore, but you were my first love, Justin.”

I smile at him, but I can’t say the same so I don’t. “I’ll take care of them, Griff. I promise you I will.”

“It’s not going to be easy, Brian will probably fight you on so many things, but he’s not stupid. He’s going to need your help, and I know that he’ll realize that.”

“I don’t know how we’re going to tell the kids. I wish you’d at least say goodbye to them,” I plead.

“You know I can’t. I don’t believe this is goodbye and you shouldn’t either. It’ll help you if you realize that.”

No. It won’t. I start to feel my body shake from the inside out. Why are we talking about this horrible tragedy so easily? What is wrong with us?

“Come here,” Griffin holds his arms out to me.

I realize that I’m sobbing loudly as he embraces me. I bury my face into his chest and try to smell his smell, not the hospital or his sickness. I want to imagine that he’s holding me as he used to so long ago.

“Shh… it’ll be okay, Justin. You’re so brave. You know you are,” he whispers and strokes my earlobe in a gesture I haven’t felt in ages.

“I don’t want you to go, Griff,” I mumble.

“I know, Justin,” he pats my back and comforts me, when I know that I should be the one comforting him, he’s the one that’s… But I can’t help but fall apart and take comfort from him. This is my time to do so. As soon as Brian walks back into this room, I have to buck up and be strong again. For now though, I just let my tears fall, and listen to his shuddery breathing.

Turn out the light switch

We've been awake for days

And no-one's coming round

Here no more

You will get yours

You have no right to calm me down

You were never that around

***

August 1986

3rd Person P.O.V.

“Can I play?” Brian asked and sat beside Justin on the couch.

Justin ignored Brian and continued to play the video game.

“What’s with you?”

“Nothin’,” Justin muttered.

“Why are you acting like a baby then?”

Justin turned to Brian and slapped his shoulder. “Don’t call me a baby!” Justin punched Brian in the arm, harder this time.

“I said you were acting like one!” Brian yelled, “Don’t hit me!” He stood up from the couch and ran from the room.

In the kitchen, Jennifer heard the boy’s raised voices and then the sound of Brian stomping up the stairs and slamming his bedroom door. She walked into the living room and saw Justin had his hands over his face and was crying. “What’s the matter, Justin?”

Justin wiped his eyes. “Brian called me a baby,” he explained.

Jennifer sat down beside Justin and gave him a stern look. “You haven’t been very nice to him this week. Shut the game off.”

Justin huffed and grumbled to himself as he turned the power off on the console. “He’s being stupid.”

Jennifer raised her eyebrows. “What makes you say that?”

“He is!” Justin shouted.

The woman took the little blond’s hands in her own and stared at him. “You’re upset that he’s going to St. James Academy High, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” Justin whimpered.

“That isn’t Brian’s fault, Justin. He’s older than you are and it’s time for him to go to high school. I’m sure he’s going to miss you too. But you’ll still be able to see him every day. It’ll just be a little different until you go to high school too.”

Justin’s bottom lips wobbled as he spoke, “I don’t want him to go.”

“You’ll have Daphne to hang out with,” Jennifer told her son. “It won’t be so bad. But think of Brian, he doesn’t have any friends at St. James.”

“He’ll make a new best friend,” Justin grumbled. “He will.”

“I’m positive that you’ll always be Brian’s best friend. After all, you two are like brothers and nothing could be better than that. But maybe Brian will meet other friends so he won’t be lonely. You don’t want him to be lonely and sad, do you?”

“No,” Justin whimpered.

“You’re going to be grounded from playing video games the rest of this week,” Jennifer said firmly.

Justin sighed. “Mooooom.”

“You know better than to hit anyone, Justin. Especially Brian.”

Justin’s big blue eyes watered. “I’m sorry.”

“Go upstairs and apologize to Brian and show him that in this house, he only gets love and kindness. Do you understand me?”

“Yes Mommy,” Justin said softly. He quickly ran up the stairs and knocked on Brian’s door.

“Go away,” Brian called and drew his sheets over his head.

Justin came in the door anyway. “I’m sorry, Brian.”

Brian didn’t turn to look at Justin. “You hit me, twice.”

Justin crawled onto Brian’s bed and hugged the older boy. “I shouldn’t have. I’ll never hit you again. I promise.”

“Yeah, right,” Brian huffed.

“I won’t,” Justin spoke firmly. “I’m sorry for being mean too. I’m just sad.”

“Why?” Brian asked and turned to face Justin.

“Because you’re going to go to High School and make a lot of new friends and you won’t want to be my friend anymore.”

Brian held Justin’s hand and squeezed it gently. “We’ll always be best friends, no matter what.”

“You promise?” Justin asked.

Brian kissed Justin’s nose and nodded his head. “I promise. No matter what, you’ll always be my best friend.”

“Even if you make other friends your own age?” Justin asked.

Brian sat up and grabbed his backpack from the floor. He took off one of the safety pins that held a patch on the bag. “Watch.” He stuck the pin into his left ring finger and then squeezed it.

“Eww...” Justin gasped. “Why did you do that?”

“Give me your hand,” Brian ordered softly.

“No way,” Justin gasped. “I don’t want you to stick me.”

“Well then we can’t be blood brothers,” Brian told him.

“Fine,” Justin held his hand out and winced when Brian stuck the pin in his left ring finger. “That hurt.”

Brian laughed softly and put the tip of his bleeding finger against Justin’s and rubbed them together. He put Justin’s finger in his mouth and put his finger against Justin’s lips so the younger boy would do the same. When the bleeding stopped, Brian held Justin’s hand again. “Now nothing can separate us. We’re blood brothers and best friends for life.”

Justin smiled brightly and agreed, “For life.”

***

Friday, January 5th 2007

Brian’s P.O.V.

I have missed

Cold contagious

All the mighty mighty men

What you save is

What you lose out in the end

Cold contagious

The hospital room is completely quiet now. There isn’t the sound of stifled sobs, babies crying or beeping machines. There’s nothing but me and the sound of my grieving.

His hand is still warm but it’s no longer sweating. I keep staring at him, wondering if this really is it. He looks just like he did when he fell asleep the last night we lay in our bed. His stomach still looks pregnant and his body looks just as beautiful and frail as it did when I held him for the last time in our bed.

However, today there is no baby inside him. Today there is suddenly no breath, no life in him. When only two days ago, there were two hearts beating, but one belonged to a life ready to begin and one to a heart that was dying.

It’s just a body in a bed. I know that. I keep reminding myself of that, but I’m so afraid that if I leave him now, I won’t ever see him again. My deepest fears will come true. I won’t ever see him again. What am I doing here?

Griffin arranged everything a few months ago, well, what he could arrange. He wouldn’t let me have any part of it and I don’t think I would’ve been able to deal with it. But he told me some details. He wants his body cremated, no funeral, but a remembrance. I’m not sure what the fuck that means, because I can’t even think about him like that. I don’t want to think about him as history.

If I think too long on any of it, I think they might have to put me into the hospital. The psyche ward anyway, cause I feel like I’m going fucking crazy!

“Brian?”

I turn and look and Justin is standing, half inside half outside of the door to the room. His eyes are bloodshot, tear streaks still mar his cheeks and I envy him for being able to show his emotions so easily. Will I get to that point? I’m sure he’s living in reality, whereas I’m not. I can’t be. I go back and forth from the moments here to the moments passed.

“Come in,” I whisper. I gently drop Griffin’s hand and place it by his side.

I watch Justin walk closer and closer to me. His body is twitching and I see his hands shaking as they move to his face and push his messy, long bangs behind his ears. By the time he stands beside my chair, his entire body is shaking. I think my insides are doing the same, or maybe his unraveling is contagious because my vision is blurry now and suddenly I’m standing up and holding onto him for support, and not just because my entire body feels weak with battered emotional pain.

“God, Brian…” he whimpers into my ear.

Paint your perfect day

I don't mind this

I'm better off by the way

Deeply grounded

You will get yours

Cold contagious

All the mighty mighty men

What you save is

What you lose out in the end

Cold contagious

I can’t believe it, I’m leaning on him and I can feel his strength, holding me up, holding onto me so I don’t fall into the abyss of a fantasy reality that I know will only harm me and my children in the end. He grips onto me as he lowers me into my seat and backs away a couple of steps from me.

“The nurses,” he pauses and runs his thumbs over my cheeks, wiping a few of the tears away. “And the doctors, asked me to come see you.” He kneels in front of me and I try to focus on him and not the image beside me.

I nod my head. I know they want me out of here and now they’ve sent Justin in to do it. “They... they kept coming in here, they want me to leave him,” I tell him… my voice shakes on every word. “I promised him I wouldn’t leave him Justin.”

“That isn’t Griffin anymore, Brian,” Justin tells me softly. The look on his face after he says it shows that he just now believed the words as he told them to me. His expression of shock recovers quickly to a slight smile. “Your little girl is in the nursery, Brian. She needs you.” His hands rest on my knees and squeeze them gently. “Your family needs you, Brian.”

He’s wrong though, the baby doesn’t need me. I don’t think I’m good for her, no, I know I’m not. I can’t look at her without feeling this horrible sense of regret and pain and if it’s not that, then I don’t feel anything at all. You aren’t supposed to feel numb when you look at or hold your child. I know that. I know its so fucking wrong of me. I don’t want that for her, but I can’t help it. Maybe this is what my parents felt when I was born?

“Brian, please go to her now,” he begs.

“Did you go see her after they moved her to the nursery?” I ask. I didn’t want her in the room when Griffin…

“Yeah, she’s healthy and beautiful.” Justin smiles for a second. “That’s okay with you, isn’t it? Griffin told them I could be with her.”

“She’s needs someone,” I tell him.

“She’s needs you too, Brian,” he whispers and stands up. “Come on. I’ll go with you.”

What would Justin say if I actually told him how I really felt? He’d think I was a horrible father probably. He’d never even let me near Leighton again if he knew. “I need… just give me another minute and I’ll meet you in the hall.”

He hugs me again, and it surprises me because again, I take comfort in it, and I know I shouldn’t. I don’t even like him. I pull away from him and he sighs before he turns and leaves the room.

After I hear him close the door, I turn my body to look beside me at my husband. Fuck, is he not my husband anymore? Am I… am I really a fucking widower? “God damn it, Griffin!” I yell at the top of my lungs. He doesn’t even startle.

What the fuck am I expecting? Justin is right. He isn’t here, he’s probably on his journey and starting that new life he believed he’d live. Why? Why? Why couldn’t he stay in this one? Wasn’t it enough for him?

“Justin said you aren’t here, and I know that… but you still look like you are so it’s really fucking with me. You think I’m going to be able to go on and be a good father, a good man. But… I wasn’t ever a good man. I fucked you over and I’m not just talking about me getting you pregnant while you were fighting the fucking cancer. I wanted you and I stopped at nothing to get you. I never should have tried, if I hadn’t, you probably would still be here. I’m going to try to be civil with Justin, for you. But our daughter, well I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do with her.”

I stop my speech when I hear a voice yelling outside my door. “He’s just saying goodbye! Fuck! Can’t you give him a god damn minute? You people make me sick. I told you he’d be out in a few minutes. For fuck sake leave him alone!”

It’s Justin, and he’s out there, defending me.

“He’s been in there for three hours since the man passed,” a male voice, answers him without a trace of empathy.

“I don’t fucking care! What if it were your husband, you son of a bitch!”

“Mr. Taylor,” a woman’s voice says condescendingly, “you need to calm down.”

“I will not calm down until you fuckers show some decency!”

Fuck. He’s going to get himself arrested. I’d better say my goodbyes before he does.

I look at my husband and memorize his face, and then I lean down and slowly kiss his breathless lips. “Goodbye, Griffin,” I whisper to him. I wipe the tears out of my eyes and don’t look back before I open the door to the hall.

A doctor, a nurse and Justin all stare at me as I open the door. Justin has tears streaming down his face. He’s an emotional wreck and the personnel are making it worse.

“Are you okay?” he asks me and rubs away his tears. “Fuck, you’re not all right… I shouldn’t have asked that.”

I shake my head at Justin and turn my attention to the doctor. I point to the door and glare. “Well… I’m out of there!”

“I’m sorry, Mr. Kinney, but we…”

“Don’t you dare fucking apologize for having no tact,” Justin interrupts him.

I actually laugh and they all look at me with wide eyes. I ignore them and brush past the doctor and nurse.

Justin falls into step beside me. “This way, Brian.”

I follow him as he directs us down the next hall toward the maternity ward. The nurses let us into the nursery and Justin takes my hand and leads us over to the little plastic crib holding my daughter.

“She looks just like you,” Justin says in wonder.

***

July 9, 1997

Justin’s P.O.V.

“He looks just like you,” Brian tells me.

“You don’t think he looks like me at all?” Griffin asks Brian, laughing through his words.

Brian peers down over us. “Nah, he’s all Justin. But, surprisingly, he’s still cute.”

I laugh but then wince in pain when my insides scream out in protest. “Oh, don’t make me laugh. That hurts.”

“Sorry,” Brian replies and gently touches my stomach.

“Do you want to hold him, Uncle Brian?”

He smiles at me. “Hell, yeah. I’ve been waiting for months to hold my nephew.”

I shift and hold my baby out for Brian. My little boy starts to fuss but as soon as he’s cradled in Brian’s arms, he calms down. “Sorry I had to miss some of the birth,” he tells me and kisses the baby’s tiny forehead.

“Well, you did get here right in time,” Griffin says.

I smile, remembering how Brian rushed in the room yesterday afternoon. The doctors didn’t know what to think, so they let him stay. He was there in time to hold onto one of my legs, Griffin holding the other, just as I gave the last three pushes.

“Yeah, sorry for having to leave so soon afterwards though,” Brian says sincerely. He had a meeting that he couldn’t get out of and left the delivery room minutes after I had Leighton in my arms.

“I’m so thankful you went with Justin to all those Lamaze classes, Brian,” Griffin tells him. “I think it really helped him with the last of his labor. He was about to lose it before you got here. I didn’t really know what to do. I just wish I could’ve gone and I would’ve been more help to him.”

I wish he could’ve been there with me too, but thankfully, Brian filled in for him.

“Well, I told you to quit working for those fuckers and come to work for me. I would’ve given you the time off work,” Brian says, not for the first time.

“Hey,” I interrupt. “No talking about advertising today. I just had a baby,” I remind them.

Brian smiles at me and hands me back the baby. “So, did you ever agree on a name?”

“No,” Griffin answers. “We’re still torn; maybe you can help us decide?”

“What are the choices again?” Brian asks. He has gotten a kick out of most of the names we’ve come up with throughout my pregnancy.

“Well, Griff wants to name him Liam and I want to name him Leighton,” I tell him.

“Oh, after your favorite artist?” Brian questions, which I’m surprised he remembered.

Years ago, I dragged him to an exhibit of Lord Frederick Leighton’s paintings. He grumbled the whole time, but I know he liked the art too. “Well, he’s not my absolute favorite, but I wasn’t going to name him Andy. That’s my father’s middle name and there’s no way I’m naming my son after him.”

“I completely agree,” Brian nods. “So…I think you should use both names. Why not name him Leighton Liam?”

I look down at my little boy and test the name out on my lips. He does look like he could carry that name well. “Is that okay with you, Griff?”

“You pushed him out,” Griffin tells me. “I think we can compromise. But I get to choose the first name if I have the baby next time.”

“Deal,” I smile at him and purse my lips, asking for a kiss. He doesn’t disappoint me and I open my mouth to receive his tongue.

“Oh guys, come on, you’re going to smother the kid,” Brian whines to us.

We break apart and I hold back from laughing this time.

“Oh shut up, Brian. I’m sure you’d be the same way if you had Justin’s lips to kiss whenever you wanted to,” Griffin tells him.

I see Brian cringe for just a moment, but then his face goes back to his smile. “Well, I’m gonna head out.”

Brian hugs Griffin tightly and kisses his lips quickly. He then comes over to me and kisses Leighton’s head. “Be good for your dads,” he tells the baby needlessly.

When he looks up at me, I feel my emotions start to act all funky and I start to cry. “Bye, Brian.”

“Hey,” Brian whispers, “are you okay?”

“I am.” I clutch my baby closer to me. “I just don’t want you to go.”

Trying to lighten my mood, he mocks, “Oh, no. I’m not gonna babysit this early.”

“You’re my best friend,” I tell him. I’m not sure why all these weird feelings are coming out right now.

“I’ll come by and help you home tomorrow, remember?”

“Fucking Gardener,” Griffin grumbles. His boss refused to let him have off work tomorrow after he was here with me most of the day yesterday and today. Therefore, Brian is going to pick the baby and I up and take us home tomorrow.

It’s nice that he has his own agency and he’s doing so well that he can have off work whenever he wants. I wish that Griffin would’ve taken the risk with Brian and gone into a partnership with him, but Griffin let his pride get in the way, and now he is working for a huge asshole and is hardly ever home.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Brian tells me, “enjoy your new family.” He wipes away my tears, kisses my lips gently, and walks out of the room. Now, Griffin and I are alone with Leighton, but I still wish Brian were here.