Point of View

Chapter Three: “In a Lonely Place”

Saturday, January 6, 2007

Justin’s P.O.V.

Caressing the marble and stone,

Love that was special for one,

The waste in the fever I heat,

How I wish you were here with me now.

I know my mother has done her best to prepare our children for what they will hear today. They’ve had a fun day with her today, but she’s also had to answer questions about the baby all morning. When I called her from the hospital, she told me that both kids were so excited to have a little sister, they hadn’t asked about Griffin, so she didn’t want to spoil their moods. But we all have done as good as a job as we can to somehow prepare them the last nine months, for the outcome that Brian, my mother nor I, wanted to accept.

“Daddy!” Leighton runs toward me and Evelyn is hot on his heels as they stomp down the hallway toward us.

“Dada, you’re home,” Evelyn shouts happily at Brian, jumping up and down in front of him.

I think I’ve hung onto the kids’ happiness this whole time. Now, Brian and I are going to shatter it. I only hope that I’m strong enough to hold onto good the memories of the past while I figure out how to tie our futures together so we don’t all fall apart.

“Come meet your new sister,” Brian speaks in a shaky voice. He bends down and places the carrier on the floor inside the foyer.

“Wow!” Evvie speaks in wonder, placing her hands on her knees as she bends down to have a good look at her sleeping sibling.

Leighton looks up and smiles at me so bright that it makes me want to lie to them both so bad. I just want to give them today! Why can’t they have one day to love their little sister and not worry about what happened to their Papa?

“Do you like her, buddy?” Brian asks Leighton, who has yet to step close to the baby.

“I love her!” Evvie shouts, grabbing her sister’s tiny hand.

“Be gentle with her,” Brian chides Evelyn gently, though the baby has yet to stir from her sleep.

“She’s so little, Daddy,” Leighton whispers, hugging onto my leg and gazing down at his sister.

Mom comes down the hall toward us and I see that her eyes are bloodshot and she has dark circles under them, matching Brian’s and my appearance. “You brought my granddaughter home,” she whispers.

“Yeah,” Brian croaks out.

“She’s gorgeous,” my mom speaks, her voice cracking too as she bends down to look closely at her.

“Can I hold my new sister?” Evelyn asks Brian.

“Me first,” Leighton says, finally walking over and kneeling in front of the carrier.

“She’s sleeping right now, guys,” Brian says in a forced, soft tone of voice.

“I won’t wake her,” Evvie tries to convince him, batting her eyelashes at her father.

I look over at Brian and I can see he’s shaking a little, not enough so that the kids will notice, but I do. I can feel the vibrations of despair and confusion radiating from him. “Justin,” he whispers, looking at me with a desperate expression.

“Dada’s right,” I say, stepping in. “The baby’s sleeping right now and she’s comfortable in her car seat. But when she wakes up, you both can hold her.”

Leighton smiles at me but then his expression fades when his eyes settle behind Brian.

I know that even though Brian and I talked about how exactly we were going to tell them, it doesn’t make what I know my child is about to ask, any easier on us.

“Where… where is my Papa?” Leighton asks worriedly.

“Brian, why don’t I take the baby while you and Justin go talk to the kids in the living room?” My mother suggests what I worked out with her on the phone a few hours before.

“Did Papa have to stay in the hospital?” Evvie inquires innocently.

Brian hands his newborn child to my mother and takes his daughter’s hand. “We need to talk to you about that, Evvie,” he whispers.

“But I wanna see him,” Leighton huffs, his eyes watering.

“Come on, baby boy.” I usher Leighton into living room and sit beside him on the couch.

“Where is he?” Leighton asks in aggravation.

Brian picks up Evelyn and puts her on his lap beside Leighton and me. “Sonny boy…” he stops talking, unable to speak. He looks toward me; his glassy eyes begging for my help once again.

I clear my throat and take Leighton’s hand in my own. “You both know that your Papa has been very sick…”

“Did something happen to him?” Leighton interrupts, his voice shaking. “Did the cancer hurt him more?”

I look over at Brian and he nods his head, urging me to go on. I feel a lump try to stop my airway in my throat but I swallow hard and answer my child. “Yes. Papa’s cancer hurt his body. He…he passed away, Leighton. He died,” I tell him in the gentlest tone I can muster.

“No!” Leighton yells and jumps off the couch, startling the rest of us. “You’re lying!” he seethes while glaring at me. His hazel eyes push out rivers of tears down his face as he punches his fist at me. “You’re lying, Daddy!”

“I’m not,” I say, barely hearing my own voice over my loudly beating heart.

“Dada, Dada, No!” Evelyn burrows her face into Brian’s chest. “See my Papa now,” she sobs. “I want Papa now!”

“Me too!” Leighton growls. “You’re a liar daddy!”

I reach forward and try to take Leighton in my arms. “I’m sorry, baby boy, I am. But I’m not lying.”

“He was getting better,” Evvie cries, whipping her head to look at me with the most hated expression I’ve ever seen anyone give me. “You’re lying! Papa is coming home!”

“Remember,” Brian croaks out. “Papa told you goodbye because he was very sick. He was sick for a long time and…”

Brian looks at me and I know he can’t say it. He can’t confirm it again, so I do, even though it’s the last thing I want. “He’s with the angels. He’s going to watch over you guys from Heaven now,” I explain, feeling as though I’m dying over and over again with every word I speak.

Suddenly, Leighton lunges forward and pushes me back against the couch. “No! I don’t believe you Daddy!” he shouts, punching my shoulder.

I’ve lied about many things and I wish I were lying about this, but I’m not. Why? Why can’t this be a farce too? “Leighton,” I gasp and grab his hand as he lands the next hit. “Stop, please.”

“Dada Brian!” he cries, clambering onto the couch. I helplessly watch as Leighton climbs on top of Brian’s lap beside his sister. “Daddy’s lying,” he whimpers. “Tell Daddy not to lie,” he begs.

I see Brian start to break down and cry and he hugs my son to his chest. “No, Sonny-boy. He’s not… I wish he was, but Daddy’s not lying. Papa went to heaven. He’s an angel now. He’s really gone, he’s not coming back. But he’s an angel who'll watch over all of us.”

I look at Brian and through my tears; I see his shocked, expression. He didn’t know what else to say and I know that there isn’t any good way to tell a child their father has died. There’s nothing that will make it easier, but it does seem like saying those words, even if Griffin didn’t want us to tell them he was an angel, it makes this terrible reality a tiny bit easier to bear to imagine that it could be true.

“No, Dada,” Evvie sobs. “No!”

“I’m sorry,” Brian, sobs with conviction. “I’m sorry…” he repeats.

I realize my throat is heaving loud sobs myself. Brian reaches his arm out and stares at me, his bottom lip quivering as if he’s about to say something but he can’t through his own whimpering.

“Daddy,” Leighton sobs. He looks at me and the anger he felt for me is gone.

I slide closer to the three and wrap my arms around them all. Our sobs and shakes mix together into one, loud cry of desperation.

***

July 10, 1997

3rd Person P.O.V.

“Look who I brought with me?” Brian says, walking into Justin’s hospital room.

For a second, Justin thinks it might be Griffin, but then he sees who it is. “Mom!” He gasps. He smiles brightly at her as she walks in, behind Brian. “I thought you couldn’t get a flight back home?”

“I couldn’t,” Jennifer agrees. “Brian drove out to New York last night, got there early this morning and picked me up.”

“Jesus, Brian!” Justin laughs. “You didn’t have to do that.”

Brian shrugs his shoulders and walks over to sit beside Justin. He kisses his friend’s cheek and then baby Leighton’s. This makes Justin feel a little more than awkward considering he’s in the middle of nursing but he doesn’t draw attention to it. After all, he and Brian are usually very comfortable around each other. They know nearly everything about the other and have seen one another at their best and worst.

Jennifer watches the two men, feeling something very odd crawling up her spine.

“How is Sonny-boy doing?” Brian asks.

“He’s great,” Justin, tells him. “He was pretty fussy last night. I don’t think Griffin got a wink of sleep in that chair thing. But, we made it through.”

“I’m so sorry I couldn’t get here sooner,” Jennifer says softly. She walks over and sits on the other side of the bed. She gives Justin a kiss on his cheek. “I shouldn’t have left when you were so close to your due date.”

“Well, Leighton wanted to come a few weeks early. You couldn’t have known he would. I certainly didn’t think he would,” Justin explains. “Besides, I wouldn’t have wanted you to miss seeing Molly off to Europe. You won’t see her for the rest of the summer and then she’ll be at the University.”

“I’m sure she would’ve understood. She told me to tell you congratulations and that she’ll call you once she gets to Paris. She’s been rushing around like crazy getting everything ready the last couple of days.”

“I bet,” Justin says with a tinge of jealousy. “A trip to Europe would definitely make you single minded.”

“Your Dad says congratulations too,” Jennifer spoke carefully.

“I don’t want to talk about him,” Justin tells her. He can feel his emotions going haywire again and has the urge to either laugh or cry but can’t decide which one. “Today’s a happy day,” he says firmly.

“Definitely,” Jennifer agrees. “He looks just like you, Justin,” she praises and looks at Brian who hasn’t taken his eyes off Justin or the baby. “Don’t you think so, Brian?”

“Definitely,” Brian says quickly looking up at Jennifer. He turns his attention back to Justin. “But his eyes look really dark. I don’t think they’ll be your blue, maybe a mixture of you and Griffin’s color?”

Justin smiled. “I don’t care what color they end up being. He’s the most beautiful baby in the whole world.”

“I’ll second that,” Brian told him.

Jennifer laughed. “You’ll probably think differently when you have your own child, Brian.”

“Maybe,” Brian told her. “So, are you ready for me to spring you?”

“Oh, yeah,” Justin declares. “Mom, do you want to hold him while I get dressed?”

“Oh, yes… I didn’t want to ask while he was feeding. You’re doing a really good job with him, Justin.”

“Leighton’s a natural,” Brian comments.

“He’s done eating, for now,” Justin laughs. He moves the baby and hands him to Jennifer. “Here you go, Grandma.”

Jennifer handed Brian her camera from her purse. “Could you take a picture of us?”

“Sure. Do you want me to take one with your camera too Justin?”

“Yeah, thanks, Brian. Griffin could barely work that thing and I haven’t gotten as many as I’d like.”

Brian took a multitude of pictures, posing with Leighton and the baby for a few too. After the photo op, he helped Justin get out of the bed and dress. After that, a nurse and doctor came in to check on Justin and the baby one last time and cleared them to go home.

Brian drove Jennifer, Justin and Leighton to Justin and Griffin’s apartment. He was extra careful to go the speed limit because of the precious cargo he had in the car. Once they reached the apartment, Brian had once shared with the men, he helped Justin walk up the four flights of stairs, while Jennifer carried the fussy baby in the car seat into the home.

“Do you want me to make you some lunch, sweetheart?” Jennifer asked and handed Justin his wiggling son.

Once he was back in the blond man’s arms, Leighton calmed down and started to close his eyes as Justin rocked him in his arms. “Sure, but I don’t think there’s much food in the fridge. We’ve been on a tight budget lately,” Justin said in an apologetic tone.

“I’m sure I’ll find something, sweetheart,” Jennifer replied.

“I think I’m going to take Leighton to see his room, even though it isn’t finished yet,” Justin told her.

“Did Griffin get the crib set up?” Brian asked as Justin walked down the hall to the nursery.

“No,” Justin called over his shoulder softly. “But I got the glider together, so I’m just going to sit and rock him in that for awhile.”

Once Justin closed the nursery door behind him, Brian went into the small kitchen where Jennifer was staring into the practically barren refrigerator.

“He should’ve said something,” Jennifer said softly. “I don’t like to think that he wasn’t eating well the last month of his pregnancy.”

“I’ve been taking him out to lunch practically every day,” Brian told her. “I made sure he had leftovers to take home too.”

“Thank you Brian. If I’d been here, I would’ve done the same.”

“Griff didn’t set up the crib,” Brian grumbled.

Jenifer sighed. “I heard. But I’ll make sure he does that before I go home tonight.”

“He’s not very handy,” Brian commented. “I told Justin I’d do it for him last week but he told me there was plenty of time before the baby got here.”

“Well, maybe you can do that for him before you go if you’re not too tired?” Jennifer asked. “I know Justin said Griff couldn’t get that damn glider together after six hours and that thing only had five pieces.” Jen grabbed four of the seven items in the fridge and placed them on the counter.

Brian grumbled, “That’s Griff though. He’s too proud to admit defeat.”

“I really wish Griffin had taken you up on the job offer,” Jen told him. “I know Justin doesn’t want to talk about it, but maybe you can try and convince Griffin again? Justin hates living in this apartment. There are noisy college kids above, below and on both sides of him. It’s not family friendly at all. Not to mention, I worry about him carrying Leighton up and down those steep steps.”

“I will talk to him,” Brian told her. “Maybe Griffin will think differently about it now that the baby is more real.”

“Maybe,” Jennifer agreed. “I hate that he had to miss his first day coming home with Leighton. Justin is trying not to think about that, but I know it hurts him.”

“At least he’s got you,” Brian told her. “He wasn’t sure he’d even have that.”

“And he’s got you,” Jen said. “I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you coming to get me Brian. I would have rented a car myself but I didn’t have any of my credit cards on hand and Craig…”

“Is an asshole,” Brian interrupted, laughing. “But don’t worry about it. I was happy to make you and Justin happy today. He needed you here, so I had to do what I could to make that happen. He would have done the same for me.”

“You’re a good friend to him, Brian,” Jennifer admired. “You always have been.”

“I’ll always take care of him, Jennifer. I owe that to you and Craig, for everything you did for me.”

“You don’t owe us, Brian,” Jennifer reminds the young man. “I’m just glad that you’re a successful, good person and you’re a good son.”

“Craig doesn’t think so. He wishes I’d disappear from all your lives. He still tells Justin I’m white trash, even though my business makes three times the amount his does a year,” Brian told her.

“Yeah… well, Craig’s an asshole,” Jennifer laughed. “Why don’t you go check on Justin and Leighton? I’m just going to make some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.”

Brian laughed. “We’re not kids, Mom.”

“Please, Brian.” Jennifer rolled her eyes and slapped his arm. “I know you still eat peanut butter and jelly from time to time. And, it’s all Justin seems to have in the fridge that isn’t leftovers.”

“Yeah, well just make sure you use…”

“Strawberry jelly, I know. I’ve only made you a thousand of them over the years.” Jennifer teased, “Of course I might forget and put grape on it.”

“Don’t you dare,” Brian warned. “I’ll go check on Justin,” he said through his laughter. He walked out of the kitchen and down the hall.

Brian knocked on the door of the nursery and heard Justin quietly tell him to enter. When he walked in, he saw that the nursery wasn’t a nursery at all. He could have sworn Griff had told him they’d put together all the furniture but the crib, however, everything but the glider still sat in boxes. Justin had painted the room, but everything else was undone.

Brian turned his attention to Justin and saw streams of tears pouring down his face. “Hey,” he spoke softly.

“Hey,” Justin whispered back but didn’t meet Brian’s eyes.

Brian walked over to Justin and sat on his knees in front of the glider. “What’s going on?”

“I…I… don’t know,” Justin whispered, slightly rocking the chair.

“Is it Leighton?” Brian asked.

“No… I… I don’t know Brian. I mean, he’s fine. He’s sleeping, he’s wonderful, but I feel so weird,” he said in a choked cry.

“What kind of weird? Are you in pain?”

“Just a little, but that’s from the labor. I feel... empty.”

Brian raised an eyebrow at Justin. “Is it because you aren’t pregnant anymore or are you hungry?”

“No,” Justin laughed a little. “I can’t explain it. I think my hormones are still going nuts.”

Brian had no idea what to say or how he might be able to help Justin with that. “Your mom wanted me to come get you to eat lunch. Or do you want to be alone with the baby a little more?”

“No,” Justin said quickly. “I’ll come in there and eat with you.”

“Okay,” Brian agreed and helped Justin stand with the baby.

“Where do I put him while we eat? I don’t have the swing together, and the bouncy seat is in its box in Griffin’s car. He was supposed to leave it here before he went to work but I guess he forgot. And that stupid high-tech swing he insisted on getting, I couldn’t figure out how to put it together,” Justin told Brian as they walked down the hall.

Brian sighed. “Don’t worry about it. We’ll just put him in the car seat for now and after lunch I’ll put some things together for you and Leighton.”

Justin looked up at Brian and hugged the man around the waist with his free arm. “Thanks, Brian. I’m so glad you’re here.”

“Me too,” Brian told him. “Who else are you going to get to eat PB&J with,” he laughed.

Justin smiled back at him as they entered the living room, but Brian could tell it wasn’t his real, full wattage smile. That worried him.

***

Sunday January 21, 2007

3rd Person P.O.V.

Body that curls in and dies,

and shares that awful daylight,

Warm like a dog round your feet,

how I wish you were here with me now.

“Leighton and Evelyn are asleep,” Justin told Brian and sat beside him on the couch. “But, the baby is due for a bottle soon. So she’ll probably be up in a few minutes.”

Brian nodded, not actually comprehending anything Justin spoke to him. His eyes were fixed in a daze on the television screen.

“Brian, did you hear me?” Justin asked, irritated but still he spoke in a gentle tone.

Just then, the baby, who still had gone unnamed, began to cry. Her wails transmitted loudly from the nursery through the baby monitor into the living room, but Brian didn’t seem to notice the noise.

“Brian, do you want to get her?” Justin asked. He received no response and touched the man’s leg and he asked in a louder voice, “Brian, do you want to go get your daughter?”

Brian turned and glared at Justin as though the blond had asked him a ridiculous request.

“Fine,” Justin sighed. He pushed his tired body up off the couch and walked toward the stairs. “Can you at least make her a bottle?” he called over his shoulder.

Justin retrieved the crying infant from her crib, changed her diaper and headed downstairs. He patted the baby’s back to soothe her as he walked into the kitchen, relieved to see Brian making her bottle.

“The baby okay?” Brian implored, but did not look at his daughter.

“The baby is hungry,” Justin replied.

“What’s your problem?” Brian growled.

Justin rolled his eyes and counted to five before he tried to piece together his words to discuss the current problem. “Brian, I’m going to name the baby if you aren’t. It isn’t right for her to go unnamed as though she doesn’t exist. Besides, the hospital paperwork needs to go back tomorrow to be filed,” Justin, told him. “It’s been over two weeks since she was born.”

Brian thrust the warmed bottle into Justin’s waiting hand. “She’s not your daughter. She’s mine and I’ll fucking name her when I’m good and ready to,” he growled.

“Then act like she is yours,” Justin whispered and did his best to reel in his anger.

Brian turned and glared through teary eyes at Justin. “Go ahead and name her. I’ll fill out the fucking paper work tonight and you can bring it in tomorrow.”

Justin felt like he was about to cry. He wanted to talk to Brian; he wanted to try to get the man to understand that they couldn’t go on this way. It had been two weeks since Griffin had died and Brian barely talked to him or the kids. He rarely moved from the couch in the living room and refused to go into his bedroom. The only reason he’d showered this morning was because Leighton had told him that he stunk.

Brian didn’t go into his room to change his clothes. He changed into sweats and a t-shirt from the pile of laundry Justin folded. Justin was sure the items of clothing belonged to Griffin. They hung off Brian’s body, large and loosely. They swallowed his form in a make-shift cocoon and Justin realized that the brunet probably liked the clothes because of that sort of comfort. Justin had done his best to care for all three children and keep them happy whenever possible. But, Leighton and Evelyn weren’t babies, they saw how Brian remained nearly lifeless each day and it frightened them.

Brian rarely held his new daughter, and his reluctance to name her, to acknowledge her existence was wearing on Justin’s patience. The children had started to call the child “Baby” and they constantly asked Justin about why Brian couldn’t think of a name.

Justin followed Brian back into the living room and sat in the leather rocker as he fed the little girl. “How about Laura?” Justin asked the baby. “No, you don’t look like a Laura. Hmm… maybe a Constance? Nah… Hmm… how about Lilly?”

The baby screwed her nose up around the bottle and let out a whine.

Justin laughed. “You don’t like that one? Okay… let’s see. Do you like Marie? No, that doesn’t sound right for you. Maybe, Suzanne? No…hmm… Bernice? Nah, you are definitely not a Bernice. How about… Grace, Dottie, Frida, Isabel?”

The little girl whined again and squirmed unpleasantly in Justin’s arms.

“Well, you really don’t like those names. Hmm… okay… how about Jessie, Minnie or Alexandra?”

The baby once again screwed up her nose around the nipple, coughed and whined. Her big hazel eyes stared into Justin’s blues, much in the same glare her father had given him.

“Okay,” Justin said. “You’re tough to please. How about, Audrey or Hannah?”

“Fuck,” Brian yelled, startling Justin. “Quit going through your mental historical encyclopedia of 'Women in Art', already! I like Audrey Hannah okay? Audrey Flack’s art is the best out of all of them and Hannah Höch’s work is okay too, so that’s fine with me.”

“Okay,” Justin whispered. He smiled to himself, happy that Brian had been listening and had stopped him when he’d gotten to the names he’d liked.

“Do you want me to burp Audrey when you’re done?” Brian asked in a whisper.

Justin took the nearly empty bottle out of the baby’s mouth, walked over to Brian and handed him his little girl. “I’ll go get you a burp rag.”

“Okay.” Brian held his daughter and looked down at her as he fed her the last of the bottle. He started to cry once again as he looked at her adorable, innocent face. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

Justin paused in the hall as he heard Brian’s whispered words. He waited a moment to see if the man had anything else to say. He didn’t want to interrupt what was honestly, one of the first moments of bonding between them.

“Justin?” Brian called. “Did you find one?”

Justin took a second and entered the room. “Here you go. I’m going to go take a shower, okay? If you need anything just come and get me.”

“Yeah,” Brian replied. He moved the rag to his shoulder and then placed the baby on it to burp her. “I’ll be all right.”

“I know,” Justin, told him. “You’re a great father.”

Brian flinched and looked into Justin’s eyes, trying to see if the blond really meant what he’d said. He knew he hadn’t been acting like a father. Justin had been right about that. He wanted to be okay, he wanted to love Audrey, but he still felt the numbness taking over his body when he looked at her.

Justin took his shower and when he came out, he found Brian lying on his back, and Audrey nestled in a pink blanket, asleep on his chest. Justin noticed that Brian was also in a deep sleep. It was perhaps the first time he’d seen Brian sleep for longer than five minutes.

Justin couldn’t sleep though; instead, he sat in the rocking chair and half-watched the late night programs on the television while also watching over Brian and Audrey.

***

Thursday, September 16, 1993

Justin’s P.O.V.

I open our bedroom door and yell at Brian, “Get up! Griffin’s going to be here any minute.”

Brian pops his head up and looks from side to side. “What? Who? Why?”

I laugh and walk into the room and sit on my bed across from Brian’s. “Our possible new roommate. Griffin Eaton, the kid from my Graphic Design class who is coming over in like three minutes to look at the apartment.”

Brian groans and sits up in his bed. He looks so cute with his hair sticking in all directions and his face soft from sleep.

“What?”

I giggle and throw a pillow at him. “You really need to stop spending your day off smoking pot all day.”

“I heard you,” he grumbles and throws my pillow back at me. “Fucking Julian!”

“Well, at least he gave us a whole week notice before moving out,” I say sarcastically.

“Had to go chasing after rich, High School sweetheart pussy,” Brian laughs.

“Well, if some rich guy wanted me to shack up with him, I just might do it if I got to live the sort of life he’s going to after marrying Brenda. He wouldn’t even have to be my high school sweetheart.”

“You don’t have a high school sweetheart, unless you’re counting Daphne.”

“Fuck off, you know I’m not.”

“Well, I hope you’re joking about shaking up with some Sugar Daddy. Even I have morals and that goes against their grain,” Brian says smartly. He throws back the covers in snapping blur to emphasize his point.

I had something to say back to that but I have to look away from him when I see the tip of his hard on peaking out of the slit in his boxer shorts. “Put some clothes on,” I request, my voice sounding choked up.

Brian starts laughing as he rises from the bed and slips on his jeans. “Justin, you realize that if we keep rooming together, you’re going to see my dick more often than you already do. Maybe you’ll get to see another guy’s ass spread around it. You’d like that experiment wouldn’t you,” he snickers.

I shiver at the thought, but I’m not sure if it’s because I think it’s gross, or because the idea turns me on a little. Damn him!

“Fuck, that’s him,” I shout when I hear a knock at the front door. I stare into Brian’s eyes as he buttons his shirt. “Put some Visine in your eyes. I don’t want him to think you’re strung out. He assured me that he has this month’s rent and that he isn’t a psycho, so I’d like it if he actually did live here. Or we’ll both be living back at my mom’s house.”

Brian rolls his eyes at me. “I thought you said this kid was cool,” he huffs.

“He is, but I don’t know how he feels about partying and fucking around, so clear your eyes up and for God’s sake Brian, think of something nasty that’ll make your boner go away,” I tell him and walk out our room.

I open the front door and see Griffin smiling at me. “Hey, sorry if I made you wait. My last class ran later than it was supposed to and I wanted to pick up a bit,” I explain.

Griffin shrugs, “No problem.”

“Well, come in.” I hold open the door and let Griffin walk into the living room.

“This is nice,” Griffin says excitedly. “I love your furniture.”

“It’s all Brian’s,” I tell him. “Everything but the easel and the desk and chair beside it.”

“He has good taste,” Griffin admirers.

“So does Justin,” Brian lustily speaks, walking around the corner of the hall to join us.

I punch him a little harder than what would normally be a love tap, right in his stomach. “Stop assing around, Brian,” I warn.

“Assing around?” He raises one eyebrow and opens his mouth.

I quickly cover his lips with my hand and glare at him. “Brian, nicely introduce yourself to Griffin,” I demand in a high-pitched, overly nice tone.

Brian pushes me away, sighs as though I’ve just put the weight of the world on his shoulders, and holds out his hand toward Griffin. “Griff, I’m Brian. I smoke a lot of pot, fuck a lot of guys…safely of course, and I still manage to hold down a kick ass internship, a shitty part-time job, and I’ll be graduating with honors next spring. So, you wanna move in?”

I can’t fucking believe Brian! I turn toward him and I’m about to open my mouth to grill him, but I stop, too shocked to speak. Griffin is shaking Brian’s hand, agreeing to move in this week… and he’s laughing! I thought Griffin had a good head on his shoulders. Well, I guess you can’t really know someone in only a few weeks. He’s… he’s trading barbs with Brian! Jesus Shit! I’m totally fucked.

***

Monday, February 5, 2007

Brian’s P.O.V.

Hangman looks round as he waits,

Cord stretches tight then it breaks,

Someday we will die in your dreams,

How I wish we were here with you now.

Things were sort of going well this morning. Leighton and Evelyn didn’t cry when they left with Justin and headed for school. I have hope for them. I thought that maybe their grief and fears of abandonment had lessened. I hoped that it was one step forward, back into their semi-normal lives.

I can’t say the same for myself. I’m sure that there is an invisible tattoo on my forehead that says something like ‘Abandon all hope, ye who surrounds me’… or something along those lines. After they left, I did what I always do. I went back to sleep and lost myself in dreams of happy memories of my life. It seems like when I’m awake, I can’t think of Griffin and smile, not that I don’t have nightmares too, but at least 3 times out of the week I get the good memories and I ache to sleep for them while I’m awake.

Audrey had her one-month check-up today. She always goes with Justin when he takes the kids to school. He says she loves car rides. I wouldn’t know. I haven’t been out of our house since Griffin’s memorial service at the community center a few days after he died. I opted out of going to it. So, I don’t think Justin ever bothered to ask me to go with him to Audrey’s appointment. I wouldn’t have gone if he had, so I don’t blame him. He returned in an irritatingly happy mood and gave me too many details of my daughter’s magnificent health. I know he expected me to get excited. I’m glad she’s healthy, of course. But I think I’ve forgotten what it feels like to feel… anything.

That is, until now. You see, a few minutes after Justin and Audrey got home, Terence Cole showed up on my doorstep. He’s Griffin's lawyer. I’d nearly forgotten all those letters I saw him writing, until I had three plastic bags, filled with the envelopes containing them, handed to me.

There are enough letters to give each one to the kids on every birthday until they are twenty-one, and letters for a bunch of silly occasions, holidays, ‘just because dates’ and one letter, that is specifically supposed to be read to my youngest child, today. But I've been informed that there are going to be other letters and packages delivered to us too. Griffin has an envelope for me, Justin and Jennifer too. We only get one for now, which is a good thing, because I can barely handle the thought of opening one of them, let alone a multitude of others.

I don’t know how Griffin expects me to remember his letters for the kids, each and every date. He’s got a few pages typed up to remind me of the dates, but that really pisses me off. I don’t want to forget him, but … what does he want? Does he want me to actually check his little chart every fucking morning for the rest of my life to see if it’s a ‘letter day’?”

Terence left before the kids had to be picked up from school. We changed Evvie’s plan from a full day to half, for now, it’s all she can handle. She cuddled against me and we watched cartoons while Justin strapped Audrey to him in her sling and busied himself doing… whatever it is that he does until its time to pick up Leighton.

For some reason, the knowledge that I’d survived a month without Griffin made me feel infinite despair. I had to push myself more than usual to do any ‘normal’ thing. My arm felt like it weighed a ton when I brushed my teeth. All I could think about was that I was doing one more mundane task without Griffin, things he’d never do again.

I continued to count the things all day, until I lost count of them shortly before dinner. It was a good thing I did because I’d started to wonder how many footsteps I’d taken since he died how many tears I shed and how many breaths I took. I didn’t want to start courting those too, so I was relieved when Justin called me to the table to eat.

I almost smelled the meatloaf Justin cooked for dinner; I barely tasted it, but managed to finish half a plate. Justin took care of the kitchen clean-up, fed Audrey and put her down for a nap while I gave the older two a bath and helped them pick up their rooms. All the while, ‘today’s letter’ burned a hole in the pocket of my sweat pants.

Finally, a little after nine, Audrey was due for her late night change and bottle. I left the older kids to Justin and walked into her nursery, carrying her nourishment in one hand and what felt like my punishment, in my pocket.

I rocked her in the rocking chair I used for Evvie and kept my thoughts to a hum as I fed Audrey her meal. When she finished, I changed her diaper, put her in her pajamas and placed her back in her crib.

Slowly, I opened the white envelope and took out the stationary. Attached to the first page was a post-it that Griffin had written in his scratchy cancerous penmanship, ‘Read this aloud Brian’. I stared at the note for a moment, growing angry because something as simple as the way he elegantly wrote the alphabet was changed by the disease. The doctor’s thought it was a miracle that he could function as well as he did considering the knowledge that the tumors pressed against so much of his brain.

Audrey makes a small noise and I can see she’s peaceful, just staring up at me in the dark. The only light is her faux fish tank attached to her bed rail, but it provides enough light for me to read. I take a deep breath and let it out slowly before I start. "Before you were conceived, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you. Before you were a minute old, I would have died for you. --Maureen Hawkins. I want you to always remember that. It sums up so much of what I felt when I found out I was pregnant with you.

Sweet Pea, if Dada is reading this to you, then I am not with you. I hope when you get older and think about me, about what happened that caused me to leave you, that you’ll see it wasn’t your fault. I worry that you may think that it was. Please know that it wasn’t anyone’s fault. I wouldn’t change a thing and when you have your own children, you’ll realize that you would have made the same choices. You are meant to be on the earth, and my energy was meant to move on.

The doctor’s weren’t sure that I would live as long as I did to give you life. That was apparent before you even existed. I love you. I love you so much there’s no way that I’d ever be able to tell you enough. You were the reason I lived. I knew that I needed to stay with you until you’d grown as much as you could within me. When I’m writing this, I’m weeks away from the time that I’ll even consider letting them take you from my body. I will hold on, I promise, until I know you’ll be safe. I must have kept my promise because this letter would never be delivered to Dada if I didn’t.

I’m sure that Dada will love you just as much as I do now. He’s very sad and angry with himself, but I hope one day he’ll open up again and show you just how fun and loving he is. I hope you know he’ll always be there for you. Your father is a loyal man that deserves more than I could ever give him. I am so happy that your father is there, loving you and looking out for you. There’s no one I know that’s any better at it. I love you, my Sweet Pea, Papa.”

I lean against Audrey’s crib because my entire body is shaking. That’s all I feel. It’s shallow and constant and I yearn for something more powerful. I put the letter back into the envelope and stare down at my daughter. I try to imagine that I am the man Griffin thought that I was that I could be. However, I know I’m not that man and I don’t think it’s possible to be him.

“Brian?” I turn and see Justin peeking into the nursery. He looks tired and worn out, but he still looks so young.

I have to stop all the envy I have for him and his life. I must. Because I truly hate him. Well, only sometimes. Other times, like when I see him taking care of the kids, rocking Audrey or laying in between Leighton and Evvie in their beds, telling them stories about Griff, those times, I don’t hate him. Those times, I hate myself.

I glance at Audrey one last time; to make sure she’s asleep. Then I turn the switch on for the baby monitor that’s partner spends nights in the spare room Justin is bunking in. That really shows how great of a father I am, doesn’t it?

Audrey is a great baby and nearly sleeps through the entire night as long as one of us gives her a bottle and change before bed. I know that it’s extremely rare for a child as young as she is to sleep from ten to five. However, I only know she does this because Justin tells me this information. I could get the spare set and keep another monitor with me in the guest room beside his. But let’s be honest, I can hear her when she wakes up crying in the morning on the monitor through our adjoining wall. But my first instinct isn’t to get up and see to her, to make sure she’s okay. No, my first instinct is to hide form her.

Sometimes I listen as Justin talks to her when he forgets to turn off the monitor. I lay there under the covers and sing songs in my head to block out the noise of the new day starting. It will be one more day that will begin and will end without Griffin. Unlike today, I usually go back to sleep once Justin leaves. At lunch, I wake for the rest of day.

Evelyn, Justin and I have lunch together. He talks and keeps me updated about our lives, news and current events. The way he speaks about it all makes me feel like I’ve been away on vacation or something.

The kids coming home from school makes me slowly evolve into a different state for the next painfully lived hours. I never get to the point where I feel anything like the man I was. Then, it’s time for bed where I’ll have a horrible time getting to sleep. The fact that this is my routine should make me sick, should make me want to change it, but I don’t. I just let the days pass into the next. Now, apparently I’ll have to check some dumb ass calendar of ‘Griffin Events’ the rest of my life. What an incentive to see the next day!

“Brian? Are you all right?”

I pocket the envelope and roll my eyes as I walk toward him. He backs out of the nursery looking like a little lost lamb. I shut Audrey’s door behind me and meet him in the dark hallway. “I’m fine. Did you need something?” I ask quietly.

He stares up at me for a second and I watch as his neutral expression changes in the light of the hallway’s orangey light. His eyes fill with tears; he bites his bottom lip and looks at the floor. “I need a hug,” I hear him whisper.

I’m not sure he actually said what I think I heard. The shock of the possibility that I’d heard correctly left me speechless and immobile. I don’t want to touch him, not anyone really. He’s forced all the contact I’ve had physically from the kids and Jennifer. Even they’ve sensed that I don’t want to be touched. But leave it Justin to push contact. He thinks the kids will heal my broken heart. He thinks they’ll ease my guilt, and my anger, but he’s fucking wrong.

Justin lets out a long sigh, quickly turns and runs down the hall. His bare feet slap against the wood with the tandem of my broken heartbeat. That scares me. I watch his door close and I shake my head at both of our behavior. I have no idea what I want, but I feel like I need something too. And, I have no idea what he wants either.

I walk my exhausted body down the hall and pass his bedroom door. I nearly stop and do…well the thought of what I’d do never fully formed in my head. So for just a second, I listen to him crying. At least I’m not the only one that will be going to bed like that tonight.

***

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Justin‘s P.O.V.

“What?” I gasp and feel the room spinning around me. My hand shakes the phone against my ear. “Mom?” I squeak out. “Mom!”

“I’m here,” she whispers on her end of the line.

“Are you sure?”

“I wouldn’t joke about something like this.”

“I wasn’t saying you were joking,” Justin speaks in a whisper. “It’s just so hard to believe. This doesn’t happen. It just doesn’t!”

“But it is,” Jennifer replied in a teary voice. “Justin… I think… I think you should come home. At least for Thanksgiving break.”

“I can’t Mom. I’m taking my two week vacation in December,” I remind her. “We’re having a period show the day after Thanksgiving.”

“Brian is your best friend, you’re like brothers,” she gasps out. “How could you not come home and be here for him? I swear, you have a better relationship with Griffin and he's the one you should be angry with."

"Now, is not the time to get into this Mom," I whimper and guilt claws at me. "I do have a better relationship with Griffin. He's the father of my child, for one thing. For another, Brian isn't my brother and we haven't been best friends for years. Daphne is my best friend. You know that."

"Whatever it is that is stopping you from forgiving yourself for what happened between the three of you, you need to get over. Right now!" she demands.

I want to yell back at her, explain every little fucking detail of what they did to me. Most of all, I want to tell her exactly what her 'son' did to me. How it is far worse a betrayal in so many ways than Griffin's. Maybe not worse than mine, but... it is the reason that I cannot just forgive him for something he’s never apologized for and probably never will.

He doesn't care how he hurt...no...That’s not the right word for what he did. Brian Kinney didn't and doesn't care that he absolutely destroyed me. What’s worse? He engaged his plan of attack when I was at a point in my life where I felt so minuscule and depressed. I'd told my therapist, before it happened, that I felt like I was worthless and that everyone would be better off without me. I honestly believed it at that point.

Brian's betrayal solidified that I was almost right. But during all the pain, I had Leighton. It was as though their betrayal wiped my slate clean where my baby was concerned. I lived for him. I still do. This is why I will have to bite my tongue and not protest to my Mom.

Griffin is my little boy's Papa and I don't know what I can do to help him or Brian through what will surely be a living hell. The only thing I can do is make it so they can be together. If I go home this Christmas won't be about anyone except Leighton and his father.

“If you want to drive here and get Leighton the Monday before Thanksgiving you can, Mom,” I offer. “But he’ll need to be back on the following Monday. They’re doing testing at his school and I don’t want him to miss it.”

“Okay, I’ll call you tomorrow after I plan the trip,” she agrees. “You need to call Brian,” she pushes.

“And say what? That I’m sorry that Griffin was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor? That’s ridiculous!”

“Shame on you,” she snaps. “You should call and talk to them both. Tell them that you’ll be there for them if they need you.”

“I can’t,” I hiss. “Besides, they won’t want to hear a word from me right now. I’m the last person Brian will want to hear from.”

“I shouldn’t have to convince you to do what is right, Justin,” she speaks in a hoity-toity voice. “You were raised better than this.”

I let out a deep sigh and relent. “Fine. I’ll have Leighton call and whoever answers I’ll tell them that. Okay?”

She blows out a loud breath of air into the receiver, and then speaks in a quiet, maudlin tone. “One day, you’re going to regret the way you’re behaving.”

“I love you too Mom,” I utter and hang up the phone.

Will there ever be a day they regret how they’ve behaved? Yeah… I won’t hold my breath.