Point of View

Chapter Four: “Little Things”

Friday, April 6th 2007

Justin’s P.O.V.

I bleach the sky, every night

Loaded on wrong and further from right

Spinning around, two howling moons

Cause they’re always there,

Whatever I do

“Mom, do you think you can take the kids tonight?” I ask, hoping that she’ll agree without asking too many questions.

“Is something wrong, honey?” Of course, I couldn’t be so lucky.

When isn’t there something wrong? Lately, everything I do is wrong. “Leighton and I are going back to Chicago during Easter break,” I tell her firmly. “After that, the new quarter at school starts.”

“What?”

I know she heard me and I’m not going to repeat myself. “I need to talk to Brian about it tonight.”

“Justin, I don’t think this is good idea. Shouldn’t we talk about this first?”

“Leighton is my child. If I want to take him home with me, I will. Talking to anyone about it first, is my choice,” I tell her in a cool voice, all the while I’m trying to keep my anger under control.

“I know that, Justin. But, don’t you think this decision is sudden?”

“Sudden?” I laugh sarcastically at her assessing. “I picked up my life and moved from Chicago back to the Pitts for Griffin. We were supposed to go back home after the Christmas break, no matter what happened to him. I stayed here because Griffin asked me to. He wanted me to help Brian, and I have. I agreed with him and I didn’t want to take Leighton away from his sisters so soon after their Papa died.”

“Don’t you think you’ll be doing that no matter when you leave?”

“What?” What the fuck does she want from me? I can’t continue giving up my son’s life and mine for Brian!

“No matter how long you stay, if you go back to Chicago, Leighton will be leaving his sisters and Brian,” my mother explains this slowly, as though I’m still a child.

I can’t contain my anger any longer. “Don’t you think I’ve given up enough of my life for Brian and his children? Leighton isn’t his child, so what the fuck does it matter if we leave? Evvie will get over it, and Audrey isn’t old enough to be attached to Leighton!”

“But she’s attached to you, Justin. What’s going to happen to her when you leave?”

I start to pace the floor of the bedroom. “Don’t you dare put that on me! Audrey’s not my responsibility. She’s Brian’s child and the longer I stay here, the longer Brian is going to be irresponsible when it comes to her.”

“What are you talking about, Justin?”

“You don’t see it because you don’t live here, Mom! You don’t know what it’s been like since Audrey’s been born. You don’t know what it’s like to live with Brian after everything that happened between us in the past! Now all that, coupled with Griffin’s death, it’s unbearable. I feel like I’m going crazy! He’s so cold to everyone, but mostly to me. He hates me, I know he does I can see it in the way he looks at me or how he speaks to me, and I can’t live like that anymore!”

“Justin,” she gasps and from her tone, I can tell she doesn’t believe me. “Brian does not hate you.”

“He does, but it’s more than that. The more days I stay, the more I’m going to love Audrey and Evvie. There will come a day that I have to leave and abandon them, you’re right about that. No matter what, I’ll love Audrey and Evelyn and in the end, Brian will kick me out of their lives. I’m not going to wait for that. I won’t do that to Evelyn and especially not Audrey! She needs to have a chance at having a father. And none of the kids need to be around the hatred that radiates from Brian when I’m around.”

“I just don’t understand what happened between you two. I never would’ve imagined that you would actually think Brian hates you! It’s impossible. Just because he fell in love with Griffin, doesn’t mean he hates you. You can’t help who you love.”

“Oh, don’t I know that. But you don’t get it, Mom. This hate he has for me, it’s real. I know it is. Please stop saying otherwise,” I beg. Feeling my knees weaken, I sit down on my bed and wipe the tears from my cheeks. All me being in Pittsburgh does is make me a depressed mess and I’m tired of it. “Brian doesn’t want me here and he doesn’t need me here anymore. I need to go home. I’ve talked to Catherine at the gallery, and she said I can start back as soon as I can get home.”

I hear my mom let out a long breath and then we both sit in silence for a few minutes. I can’t explain Brian’s behavior to her. It’s unimaginable to her because when she is around, she’s so busy helping me to tend to the kids, or tend to Brian, that she doesn’t see anything wrong with our situation. She’ll never understand the way it really is.

“Okay,” Mom finally speaks in a soft voice. “I may not agree with you going back to Chicago, but I do understand why you feel it’s necessary. You’re my son too, Justin. I love you and Brian both. I just wish that you would be friends again, if not family, the way you two used to be.”

“I know,” I tell her. “But nothing is ever going to be the way it used to be, Mom. I don’t even think I would ever want it to be.” However, I have to admit, ever since things fell apart with Griffin and me, I haven’t exactly felt the love of a mother from her the way I had before. I wish that were the same.

“Justin, you have to have hope,” she whispers.

Hope? I’m not sure the meaning of that word means what it did ten years ago. “Mom, I’ve got dinner in the oven, so how about you come and eat with us around six and take them back to your place afterward?”

“Sure, but I’m going to have to bring them home early tomorrow. I have some houses to show a client tomorrow afternoon. Will that be enough time to get everything worked out between you two?”

“Yeah, it should be,” I tell her this, but I know that nothing will be ‘worked out’.

“Okay, I’ll see you in a little while,” she responds wearily.

“Bye, Mom,” I reply and close the cell phone, ending the connection.

I should feel better, knowing that I’ve finally made my decision to leave, but I’m dreading telling Brian. He likes to be in control, he always has. This will force him to get all his shit together, and I’m sure he’ll be pissed about that. I’d be inhuman to say that I don’t feel guilty about leaving Audrey and Evelyn, but I have no choice. It’s for the best for all of us concerned. I’m sure once we leave, he’ll be happy to have me out of his every day life.

Better yet. Maybe if I leave, he’ll have no choice but to begin to move on.

I had an inkling of hope for him, that he was realizing that he had to live for his children, if not for himself. This afternoon, I heard the shower in the master bathroom upstairs turn on. I thought that maybe he was finally going to move into the unused space. I understood why he didn’t want to sleep in the bedroom he and Griffin used downstairs, but he and Griffin had never used the master suite upstairs.

When Griffin moved in with Brian, Brian was in the middle of renovating the upstairs. Their bedroom downstairs had previously been the Den, and it was supposed to be a temporary bedroom. The renovations finished a few weeks after Evelyn was born. But by that time, Griffin made the room beside theirs into a nursery for Evelyn.

I guess they planned to move upstairs once Evelyn got older and they didn't have to worry about her going up and down the stairs. But, around that time, Griffin was diagnosed with cancer and the chemo made him so week, he felt disoriented when he tried to climb stairs.

They moved Evelyn to the second story with Leighton and turned the nursery into a second playroom so the kids could be close to Griffin when he was stuck in bed. All that time, the master bedroom went untouched.

I was so excited to know that Brian might move out of the guest bedroom and give life to the luxuriously decorated master bedroom. I know it sounds like such a little thing, but it would’ve been a big step. Would’ve been, because it wasn’t.

Turns out, the only reason Brian was using that shower was because he decided to renovate the other bathrooms in this house and was having a contractor come over. He didn’t want the bathrooms to be ‘a wreck’ as he called it. As if, he actually has cleaned them? Yeah… right! I cleaned them and they looked perfectly fine before he doused them in bleach, smelling up the entire house. He went on to instruct me not to use the bathrooms anywhere else for any reason.

Apparently, Brian is dealing with his pain and loss of control, by redecorating. When he was little and had to see the therapists, after a session with them, he’d rearrange every room in our house. But now, none of need this extra upheaval in our lives.

Yes, I was disappointed he wasn’t moving on. But, it was more than that. Brian completely disregarded the kids’ comfort and mine. He didn’t bother telling me that a stranger would be showing up at the house in advance. He didn’t care that the kids and I would have to go out of our way to walk all the way upstairs just to take a piss.

Poor Evelyn had an accident as she tried to make it up there and take her overalls off. She was so upset with herself. It took her an hour to calm down; even though I tried to make her understand that it wasn’t her fault. And the whole time Brian was showing the contractor and his team the bathrooms. Not once did he come in the playroom to check on Evelyn. He was too busy dealing with his own selfish, preposterous needs.

I know Brian is a caring, loving, attentive father. But, he isn’t going to be that sort of man as long as I’m around to pick up his slack and to be used as his personal punching bag.

***

Friday, October 11th 1996

Brian’s P.O.V.

The river is loaded

I've been there today

Took it some questions

She does me again

I'd die in your arms

If you were dead too

Here comes a lie

We will always be true

Going up

When coming down

Scratch away

It's the little things that kill

Tearing at my brains again

The little things that kill

The little things that kill

“Come on, Griff, tell me who it is,” I say softly. My heart hammers in my chest and I take his hands in my own.

“I don’t want you to be all weird about it,” he says and stands up from the sofa. He begins pacing back and forth in front of me. I’ve never seen him so nervous.

I gulp in a deep breath and speak, “You’ve been telling me for two years that you like someone but you won’t tell me who. I think I have had a pretty good idea who it is, and I promise you I won’t act weird. Just tell me who it is.”

“But I know… I don’t want to hurt you,” he says.

I want to scream at him. I want to tell him to just fucking spit it out so that he can stop the fucking torture he’s created inside me. And it’s all because of him, you know. I would not be fucked up like this because of anyone else. How in the fuck I got from wanting his ass to wanting his heart, is a mystery. But damn do I want him!

“I don’t want it to change our friendship.” He sits back down beside me and looks down at the floor.

He just spoke my greatest fear too, that’s what I haven’t said anything to him. Not to mention the fact I’m scared shitless to admit my feelings. “It won’t change, not in a bad way. I promise you, Griffin.” I tilt his chin up to look at me. “Tell me.”

He takes my hands and presses his lips together before nodding and staring into my eyes. This is it. Things are going to change. However, it will be a good change. I will make sure of it.

“I see how you two are together. I always thought at some point you guys would get together but… I can’t deny my feelings anymore. It’s been too hard and if you don’t want me to go after him I won’t.”

Okay. Stop. I’m completely fucking confused. Who the fuck is him if him isn’t me!  “What? Who are you…”

“I know you and Justin were childhood sweethearts, Brian,” he says, giving me a small smile. “And I never wanted to come between you two.”

“You aren’t going to come between me and Justin. We’re best friends, Griffin, that’s all we are,” I tell him adamantly. Yes, we may have had a sexual relationship but that was never anything but sex and experimentation. Justin would never choose me to love. He’s made that clear. I know that if we ever tried a real relationship, it would ruin everything. That’s how I know that Griffin is the one. All the things I feel for Justin, I feel for him, too, only it’s different.

Justin has always told me that the only way I’d know I was in love, is if I wasn’t only in love with the sex I have with my partner. Well, I’ve never fucked Griffin. I want to, God do I want to! But my feelings aren’t only derived from sex, not anymore, not with Griffin.

“Justin and I aren’t sweethearts. We’re brothers,” I say, trying to assure him that his feelings are okay. He’s worried about telling Justin about us. He didn’t want to get in between us. But, he doesn’t have to worry. Justin doesn’t want him and he doesn’t want me.

Shit, he looks so sad. He has to believe me! I love Justin more than anyone in the world, and I think he’s the most beautiful and talented person I know. But… Griffin, he got to me. All Griffin’s talk about him liking someone made me examine my feelings for him. But I never had the guts to say anything. My fears have gotten in the way of most of my relationships all my life. I don’t want that to happen with Griffin. “You don’t have to be afraid to tell me what you feel, Griffin.”

He launches into my arms, kissing my cheek as he does. “Oh thank god, Brian! I’ve been so worried.”

“There’s no reason to be worried,” I say softly.

He smiles. “So what do you think Justin will say?”

“I don’t know,” I laugh. Justin should be thrilled. He’s always bitching at me about finding my ‘one true love’ and I didn’t believe it’d be possible until I realized my feelings for Griffin.

“I guess I’ll just have to come right out and say it,” Griffin exclaims, bouncing in his seat.

“That’d probably be best,” I snicker.

“I’ll just look him right in the eye and say, ‘I love you. I have been in love with you for a long time and I want to be with you, Justin.”

“What?” I ask, my throat goes tight and dry and I think my heart is about to collapse. He didn’t just say… he wants to be with Justin. Did he?

“Oh, should I just simply tell him I love him?” he goes on.

“You… love… Justin?” I gasp. Oh no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Justin? Why Justin? Justin doesn’t want anything to do with him!

“I really do, Brian,” he hugs me again. “God, I’m so happy you’re not mad.”

I shake my head. “No… I’m not mad… but…” I stop talking when I hear our apartment door locks start to jingle.

Griffin’s face pales. “Don’t tell him anything until I tell him, okay?”

I have cottonmouth and I feel like I need to crawl in a hole and die but I manage to squeak out, “I won’t.”

Justin comes inside the door and looks at Griffin and I. He smiles brightly at the both of us. “Hey, what’s up with you two?”

“Nothing,” I tell him morosely.

He raises his eyebrow at me and looks at Griffin. I watch as Griffin smiles at him, all doe eyed and lovesick. He’s always looked that way; only I was too busy falling in love with the idea of us, to ever notice that it had nothing to do with me. Fuck me.

“Are you guys excited about the Julian’s party?” Justin asks, oblivious to Griffin’s expression. Fucker.

Griffin sighs. “I can’t go. My boss asked me to come in this weekend.”

“I thought you put in for the weekend off?” I grumble. Though, I’m not sure I could handle him telling Justin and them being a lovey dovey couple at Julian and Brenda’s party. So I guess I’m glad he’s not going.

“I did, but a couple people already called in and I really need the money,” he replies sadly.

“We’re still going, right, Brian?” Justin asks me.

I nod my head. Fuck yeah; I need this weekend away. “My bags are packed. I’m ready to party,” I tell him. I’m ready to lose myself completely.

***

Friday, April 6th 2007

Justin’s P.O.V.

It's the little things that kill

Tearing at my brains again

Oh, the little things that kill

The little things that kill

Bigger you give

Bigger you get

We're boss at denial

But best at forget

The cupboard is empty

We really need food

Summer is winter

And you always knew

Mom arrived for dinner a little before six. She brought with her two bottles of wine and the makings for whiskey sours. I suppose she figured it might relax Brian and me, or make the conversation Brian and I would have once she left, a little easier. However, I’m sure she didn’t count on us nearly finishing the bottle of whiskey half-way through dinner and popping the cork on the wine seconds later.

The tension between Brian and me built through out our dinner. But as expected, Brian was much kinder to me with my mother in the room. She squeezed me a little tighter than normal when she hugged me goodbye. Brian held himself together through the dinner but I could tell she noticed the amount we drank and the glares he constantly sent my way as we all tried to make neutral conversation.

Brian definitely thought it was weird when I told him the kids were staying with my mom tonight only minutes before she arrived. Also, it was only about an hour before their bedtime so I’m sure that set off some warning bells in his head. He never said a word about it. However, I know that a silent Brian is a boiling, pissed off Brian.

That’s why I’m making a quick retreat to the kitchen to clean up the dinner dishes while Brian walks my mother and the kids out to her car.

Once there, I pick up the bottle of wine and take a few deep gulps. I put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher, cover the leftovers, and put them in the fridge. I grab the wine, keep it in hand, as I take a towel, and clean up the counter tops. I’m almost finished, when I hear the door slam and the sound of Brian’s heavy footsteps on the hardwood floor.

I brace myself and turn away from the kitchen’s entrance as he gets closer and continue to clean the granite.

Fuck. I don’t know how I’m going to start this conversation.

“What the fuck are you doing?” he growls at me the moment he enters the kitchen.

I guess I won’t have to be the one to start this. “Cleaning the kitchen,” I tell him needlessly. We both know that I know that wasn’t what he was asking but the alcohol has me feeling whirly and snarky.

He runs up behind me in a split second. His body presses against my back, enfolding me. One of his hands covers the one of mine that grips the towel and his other hand is squeezing my hip. “Don’t fucking play with me,” he whispers into my ear. His breath is hot and smelling of whiskey, wine and him.

My heartbeat is racing. My mind feels muddled as I try to figure out what the fuck I was going to say. Asshole. “I’m not…”

Before I can finish my sentence, he flips me around to face him and pushes me backwards. My head hits the cabinet behind me, knocking my senses back to me. “What the fuck are you doing?” I ask, turning it around on him.

“Tell me the real reason you sent my kids off with Mom.” His voice is almost soft and monotone. But his face is contorted with anger and his eyes blaze with what looks like a mixture of fear and something else I’m afraid to decipher.

“We need to talk,” I tell him, with an air of obviousness to my words.

He steps closer to me again, hands on his hips and towers over me. “Talk,” he barks.

I close my eyes for a second and take a deep breath before I raise my gaze to meet his. “I’m taking Leighton back to Chicago.”

“The fuck you are,” he hisses at me.

The force of his breath pushes my bangs around on my forehead. “I’m an adult, Brian. I can leave when I want to,” I say slowly.

“Why don’t you start acting like an adult if you really think you are one,” he growls. Then he moves back from me and paces the kitchen like a lion in a cage. “You always run away from everything like a scared little boy!”

That’s it. I’m done being civil with him. “Who in the fuck are you to talk? Ever since Griffin died, you’ve been acting like a lovesick, brokenhearted teenager. You throw innuendos and insults at me all fucking day and night. You want everything the way you want it and if anyone gets too close to your personal space or asks you for a damn thing, you throw a fit and hide in your room! That is totallyfucked!”

He stops his pacing and then pounces on me. “You son-of-a-bitch!”

Brian’s lunge pushes me back against the counter, making me hit my head again. “Get away from me!”

“You’re heartless, Justin!” he spits in my face.

“You are!” I push him back but it only serves to make his torso push against me harder.

“What do you expect from me? He was my husband and he died and you think I shouldn’t be angry or sad?”

“I never said that! I loved him too, Brian!” I yell.

He pushes away from me again and starts to laugh menacingly. “You never loved him. You acted like a whore when you had him.”

“Fuck you!” It’s my turn to pounce and I raise my hand and slapping his face. “You turned me into one. You!”

“There you go again. Always blaming other people for your malfunctions. I’m not sure why he ever loved you.”

“And I don’t know how he could have ever loved you! You’re a monster, Brian! You don’t care about anyone else’s comfort. Not to mention that you put me down in front of the kids constantly. They get so confused and they don’t know what to think of you,” I cry.

“What are you talking about?”

“You don’t even know when you’re doing it. Today you brought that contractor in out of no where and you ordered all of us to bend to your will.”

“It’s my fucking home. Not yours,” he spits back.

“Right, and they’re your kids so you should give a shit about them!”

“You know I love them,” he whispers, almost sounding hurt. “You could’ve said something.”

I ignore that, because maybe he’s right. Maybe I could’ve spoken. But all this is more than just today. “Last night when I went to go make us popcorn and I burnt it, what did you say?”

He shakes his head. “How the fuck am I supposed to remember?”

“You told me, and I quote, ‘You really are a dumb Blond, aren’t you. There’s a fucking idiot proof button for popcorn on the fucking microwave.’ Then you laughed at me and Evvie and Leighton laughed at me too.” I turn away from him and wipe my teary eyes. I’m so pissed that I’m crying and letting him see my hurt.

“You’re too sensitive,” he growls.

I spin back around and face him. “Last week when I did a load of whites and Evvie’s red sock got in it and made everything pink you told me that it might be okay if I died my own underwear pink, but not everyone wants to be a pansy. Do you remember saying that, Brian?”

He shakes his head at me again. “I was joking with you.”

“I was doing your fucking underwear because you’re too lazy to do your own laundry,” I yell. “Nothing would get done in this house if I didn’t constantly ask you to help!”

“I never asked you to do anything,” he retorts. “You’re leaving because you can’t deal with a little teasing?”

“That’s not the only reason why I’m leaving, Brian. I’m leaving because the longer I stay, the worse you get! It isn’t just because of the way you ignore me or treat me, Brian. If that were all it is, I’d stay. Because I can deal with that. I’m leaving because I can’t keep doing everything for your children. Everything! Only to have you put me down in front of them and show me no respect. I won’t let you disrespect me in front of my child ever again!”

“You’re delusional,” he seethes.

“No,” I shake my head. “I’m not, Brian. I see exactly what is going on here. Every day that passes, I sit and hope for just a little bit of acknowledgement from you! Is it too much to ask for a little, tiny word of thanks or a hug when I’ve had a bad day?”

“This is because I don’t hug you? I’m not your fucking parent or your partner.”

“No, you’re not. I thought that you were at least, even after everything we’ve done and said to each other. I thought you were my friend. But, I know you don’t want that. You don’t want me here. So, I can’t imagine why you have a problem with me leaving. If it’s because you need a maid or a babysitter until you can get through… whatever it is that you’re feeling. I’m sure you can find someone like that in the yellow pages. But I’m done. I’m taking Leighton home with me. You’re going to have to be on your own and live your life.”

***

Sunday, November 18th 2001

Justin’s P.O.V.

It’s the little things that kill

Tearing at my brains again

Oh, the little, little little little little little little little little!

“I’m moving to Chicago,” I keep my voice firm as I speak to Brian and Griffin. I’m not surprised when I see both of their eyes narrow on me.

“What?” Griffin gasps and straightens his posture.

“I got a job offer to help manage a gallery there, and I’ve taken it,” I say firmly.

“You’ve already taken it?” Brian asks me, obviously angry with my news.

“I have. I’ve also accepted an offer on our apartment here. I close January second and I’ll be starting in Chicago a few days later.”

“Don’t you think you should have discussed this with us?” Griffin asks me.

“How long have you been planning this?” Brian asks snidely.

“It’s an offer of a lifetime,” I explain. “I’ve been thinking about moving for the last few months.” I’ve been thinking about moving for a since September, when Brian and Griffin told Leighton that he’d be a big brother.

Brian laughs sarcastically. “A few months? It never occurred to you to talk to us?”

“I wanted to have everything set so that you couldn’t talk us out of leaving.”

“Us?” Griffin sits up on the couch and leans forward. “You’re taking Leighton?”

“That’s out of the question,” Brian tells me firmly. He looks right into my eyes and puts his arm around Griffin’s waist, his hand meets Griffin’s on his belly.

“You have no say in Leighton’s future,” I tell him and look at Griffin. “Griff, I think you know that this is for the best for all of us.”

He blinks a few times and clears his throat. “I… I don’t know that, Justin.”

“You do,” I say softly, and knot my hands together as my nerves betray me.

“He’s my son,” Griffin says this as though that should change my mind.

It doesn’t. “He’ll always be yours. But, he’s mine too and I want him with me. You and Brian… you’ll have your baby. I won’t have anyone.”

“Well that’s your fucking problem,” Brian snorts. “You’re the one that wants to move thousands of miles away.”

I roll my eyes. “I’ve already looked into schools and there’s a really great pre-school he can go to that’s just a block from the gallery and a few blocks from our house.”

“You bought a house?” Griffin gasps.

“I always wanted a house for Leighton and me,” I tell him. “Now, we’ll finally get to have one. It’s part of the relocation expenses. They’ve bought it for me as a bonus. It’s not much, just a three bedroom brownstone, but it’s beautiful.”

“You’ve seen it?” Griffin asks. I watch as Brian sits back and glares at me.

“Last week, on my business trip. That’s where I went,” I confess.

“I thought that you were there to talk to an artist who has a showing at the Bloom gallery? You lied to us,” Griffin sighs and leans back against Brian.

“I didn’t lie to you. I did go there for that, but it was a good opportunity to check the place out,” I explain. “You can come visit us whenever you want and I’ve already worked it out so that I can have off the school holidays. We’ll fly back here and we’ll stay with my mom or Leighton can stay with you. Whatever you want.”

“Whatever we want?” Brian scoffs. “We don’t want you taking him in there in first place. Did you talk to Mom about this?”

“No, not yet,” I tell him. Sometimes I wish my mother would hate him. Unfortunately, she sees Brian as her son the same way I am. And, for all she knows, I’m the one to blame for everything that happened.

“Well she’ll never agree to this,” he spits out at me.

“Brian,” Griffin looks at Brian and for a moment, we’re all silent. I wait and watch them as they have a wordless conversation I’ll never understand.

Finally, Brian nods at him and lets out a long sigh, his face looks defeated. “We’ll have to have some papers drawn up for a custody agreement.”

“Of course,” I nod at them and stand up. “I’ve got to get going and pick Leighton up from my Mom’s.”

“I’ll walk you out,” Brian says in a voice that is seemingly cordial, but I know it’s not. He extracts himself from Griffin and stands up.

“I’ll call my lawyer tomorrow and give you a ring after work,” I tell Griffin.

“Okay,” he says softly, sounding confused. I resist the urge to hug him as he settles himself further into the large couch.

I turn away and walk out of the family room and down the hall of their house. When I get to the front door, Brian nearly smacks into me from behind. “What?” I ask, turning around to face him.

He leans down; his hazel eyes have changed to a blazing dark brown. “This is so like you.”

“What?”

“You don’t get what you want, so you leave,” his hand is on my forearm, fingers digging into my skin. He knows nothing about what I really want. He only cares what he wants, and I’m going to give it to him.

I extract myself from him and push him away from me. “Fuck you,” I whisper harshly to him, open the front door, and slam it behind me. He wants me gone and for once, I suppose we want the same thing.

***

Friday, April 6th 2007

Justin’s P.O.V.

I touch your mouth

My willy is food

Addicted to love

I'm addicted to fools, shit

I kill you once

I kill you again

We're starving and crude

Welcome my friends to the little things that kill

Tearing at my brains again

Oh, the little things that kill

Tearing at my brains again

Oh, the little, little.....

“I told you already,” Brian growls and pins his body against me once again. “You aren’t going anywhere!”

“I am!” I scream and push him off me with all my strength. “I can’t stay here, Brian! Please. I know you don’t me here. Why are you fighting for me to stay? I’m not stupid, Brian. I know you wish it were me that died and not Griffin. I know every time you look at me and realize that I’m not him, you hate me. I see it in your eyes. Why can’t you just let me go?” I’m screaming all this hysterically at him, my voice booms through the kitchen and I struggle bodily with him. I don’t know when he captured me in his arms again. “I can’t fall in love with Audrey and Evelyn anymore than I have. Every day that I’m with her, I have to remind myself that she isn’t mine. But you don’t act like she’s yours. The longer I stay, the more I’ll want her to be ours, and then even more you’ll think she’s only mine. I can’t bring Griffin back. But I swear to you that I loved him. I did. I want him back because…” I sob out all this and close my eyes.

I feel his grip loosen on my waist but then his fingers skim up my back and along my neck and he presses my head into his shaking shoulder. I think he’s crying now too. “After everything,” I whisper. “I still loved you both so much.” I look up and I see that his tears are about to fall from his eyes. “It’s okay if you wish it were me that died, Brian. But that’s why I have to leave.”

He shouts in a shuddered breath, “I don’t!”

“I know you do.” I try to get out of his embrace again but his hands claw again at my back.

“I wish it were me!”

Then suddenly his mouth is on my mouth and I try my hardest to push out of this kiss, but one of his hands tangles into my hair, holding me onto his mouth. He tastes of wine and cigarettes, forbidden tastes that still make me swoon. I feel his fingers tightening against my scalp. I shout in pain but my scream only opens my mouth for his tongue. I fight against him, biting his tongue with my teeth as his grip tightens on me.

“Shut up!” he yells, shaking me.

“You’re hurting me!” I try to wiggle away as his mouth nips down my neck. But I can’t get away from his powerful arms that press my entire body against him.

“Stop… fighting me. You’re always… fighting me… Justin. Why… do you fight me?” he growls between bites.

“I don’t want you,” I whisper. But fuck me. God dammit! I do. My cock is hard and straining against my cargos. I reach back on the counter, hoping to find some kind of leverage to push him off me, but my hands can’t find purchase on anything.

His lips come back up to my jaw and then he attacks my mouth again. He’s groaning and looking right into my eyes. His green eyes blaze with passion and suddenly he turns us around and lifts me up onto the island. He grinds his hard cock against mine, and I find myself wrapping my legs around his waist and grinding against him in tandem. The entire time, our mouths are still, fused together, tongues and lips exchanging spit and dominance.

He breaks the kiss and shoves me onto my back, hard. The salad dressing bottles clank around and some hit the floor. He stares at me for just a second, then reaches forward and yanks the Velcro clasp on my cargos apart. Only an instant later, my pants and underwear and thrown over his shoulder. My cock bounces out, hard and dripping pre-come all over my t-shirt. Oh no. This can’t happen. This isn’t right. I sit up but he pushes me back down with one hand while his other unfastens his pants.

“Brian!” I finally find my voice again, to protest, but then I feel his bare thighs spreading mine apart. His torso leans over mine and our eyes meet. I beg him, silently, to put me out of our misery, not to go any further. But his eyes tell me that he has a different idea of how to do such a thing.

His tongue pokes out of his mouth and then touches my lips, coaxing them open, softly. In complete contrast to the other part of my body, his finger is opening. I groan from the pain and he takes his finger out of my hole, still kissing me softly and breathing harshly against me.

His hand raises and comes up beside my head, and I think he’s going to bury his hand in my hair again but he doesn’t. I see him coating his fingers in the olive oil, spilled beside my head. I try to diffuse my mouth from his again and now he becomes more aggressive and needy. His tongue demands entrance back into my mouth and I have no choice but to allow it.

All of my nerves seem to be on high alert, emitting sparks with each caress of his tongue and this time when his finger enters me, I moan into his mouth. And I can’t hold back anymore. I drag my hands up from his waist and scratch my nails up his back as I lift his shirt above his head.

He growls as our mouths separate and then he yanks his fingers out of me to tear my own shirt off my body, lifting my torso up roughly and it slams back down, but his hands are suddenly behind my head, protecting it. We pause again and his cock is brushing at my entrance. I can’t help but wrap my legs around him and moan sluttily as I feel the spongy, wet head of his dick press into me.

“Take me inside you,” he pleads with me and I push my muscles down to abide with his request.

“Ohhhhh!” I breathe in, gasping from the pain of him stretching me, sliding inside me.

His hands slide from behind my head and crawl down my spine, then down my hips and to my calves. He lifts my legs and puts them on his shoulders, more stretching and pain but then pleasure tingles up my spine as in a split second he pushes all the way inside of me, rubbing the head of his cock against my prostate. I’m gone.

My knees press nearly to my ears as he bends me in half and our mouths fuse together. I grip his hair as he fucks me, deeply, hard, fast, so fucking fast that I swear he’s tearing me open but it feels so fucking good that I don’t even think about anything but the pleasure he is providing me.

I close my eyes from the intensity of our passions, trying to hold off my orgasm as long as I can, fighting to breathe, and catching his breath in my mouth as we remain in one long messy kiss.

I don’t know when I lose complete control, but its sudden and there’s no stopping it. I come, and come and come and I feel him push my legs down from his shoulders as I climax. He comes, groaning obscenities into my ear and I don’t have time to think of what just happened because he’s lifting me up off the island.

My legs wrap around his waist and I bury my face in his neck and start to bite into his flesh as he carries me, stumbling up the stairs and into my room. For only a second, our connection parts as his cock slides out of me, still hard. He throws me onto the bed. But then he’s back on top of me, whispering things my muddled mind will never remember and kissing and licking the tears from my cheeks.

***

June 16th 1998

Brian’s P.O.V.

Here come the little

Here come the little, ah

Little things that kill

You

“I think Justin is cheating on me,” Griffin whispers.

“What?” I can’t believe that for a second. “He wouldn’t…”

“He is.” Griffin’s tone is absolute.

“What makes you think that?” I haven’t had much time to talk to Justin the last couple of weeks, but I doubt he’s cheating on you, Griffin. I think I would know.”

“I doubt he’d tell you, Brian. He knows that you’d tell me. Well, wouldn’t you?”

“Of course I would.” The second I say this, I feel like I’ve betrayed Justin. Especially because I can’t image that this is true. “But he’s not cheating on you.”

“We haven’t had sex since before Leighton was born.”

“What?” That sounds completely impossible.

“We haven’t had sex since before Leighton was born.”

“He’s almost a year old!”

“The first couple of months after Leighton were born, he told me he was too sore and sensitive,” he explains. “He said the same thing after we were ever married.”

“Was… was there some kind of problem?” I can’t believe they didn’t have sex all this time!

“No, if it were that, then he wouldn’t have bought the new dildo that I haven’t gotten to see him use.”

“How do you know he bought one?”

“I found the receipt in his jeans pocket while I was doing the laundry.”

“Maybe he’s going to surprise you with it,” I suggest. Talking about Griffin and Justin’s sex life makes me feel extremely uncomfortable.

“That was two months ago,” Griff pouts. “I searched through all the usual places he hides…”

“You went through his shit?” Man, if I were Justin I’d be pissed.

“He’s my husband,” Griffin wipes the tears from his eyes. “I had to know if he was cheating on me.”

“So did you find it then?”

“Yes. He had it in a shoe box with a butt plug and some beads I’ve never seen too,” Griff replies. “There was a half a bottle of lube in there… he’s using them on himself but he doesn’t want me.”

“Maybe he’s just trying to prepare himself for the sensation, Griffin. Maybe it hurts and he’s too embarrassed to tell you.”

“Or maybe, he’s using them with someone else.”

“Griffin, I think you’re getting ahead of yourself. Do you really think that Justin would bring some guy into your apartment?”

“He’s had plenty of chances with the way you’ve had me flying all over the world for Kinnetik lately. He doesn’t care when I tell him I have to go away, he just goes on doing whatever he’s doing and ignores me. He doesn’t kiss me hello or goodbye anymore. I always have to be the one to initiate any kind of touch.”

I’m starting to feel irritated and annoyed with Justin. I don’t like thinking that he’s treating my… I don’t like Griffin being hurt. “How about I talk to him?”

“And say what? Griff thinks you’re cheating, are you?”

I give him a sarcastic laugh. “Yes.”

“Maybe you could just talk to him?” Griffin pleads. “But, don’t mention anything about him cheating. He’s so closed off lately, Brian. I know he’s hiding something but maybe he’ll tell you because he barely speaks to me.”

“What are you going to do if he is cheating on you?”

“Leave him,” Griffin’s barks. “I’m not going to stay with someone that treats me like that. No matter how much I love him.”

I give Griffin a hug. “No one should treat you like that. You deserve better.”

Griffin snuggles into my chest. “I think you were right, Brian.”

“About what?”

“You told me, you told me not to marry Justin just because he was pregnant and I told you that wasn’t why I was marrying him. I loved him and that’s why I asked him to marry me.”

“You don’t… you don’t love him anymore?” I wonder. Shame fills my mind as my emotions perk up at the thought.

“I still love him,” he says softly. “But I don’t think he ever loved me as more than a friend.”

“Then it’s his problem,” I tell him, anger starts to pulse through my body at the thought.

Justin promised me that he wanted to marry Griffin for all the right reasons. He swore up and down that it wasn’t because Griff knocked him up. He promised me that he wouldn’t hurt Griffin.

I’m going to have to go talk some sense into him. I don’t want Griffin hurt, so I don’t want him to be right about Justin. Looking back on the last six months and the way Justin has acted each time we’ve all been in the same room though, as though he was afraid of something… I’m beginning to think he was afraid of being caught.

If he’s fucking someone else, I will make him tell Griffin the truth. I never would think that Justin would cheat on his husband. But I’m beginning to think that I don’t know him at all.

I rub up and down Griffin’s back with my hand. “No matter what happens, Griffin. I’ll be here for you.”

“I know you will, Brian,” Griffin cries softly into my chest. “You always have been.”

What the fuck is wrong with Justin? I have to find out.