Point of View
Chapter Five: “Body”
Saturday, April 7th 2007
Justin’s P.O.V.
Hush child
Lay your sweet lips on me
This greed
Is bigger than you and me
Will ya come again?
Body
Tongue tied
And a visceral third degree
Feel warm
Center of gravity
Wash us all away
Body never lies
Will ya come again?
Will we stay friends?
Oh, you paralyze
Oh, you paralyze
I wake to a sudden invasion inside my body and my eyes snap open. “Uh Fuck!”
“Shh,” I hear Brian whisper into my ear.
Oh God no! His body is spooned behind me. Shit! Shit! Shit! “No,” I gasp as I try to wiggle away from him. This isn’t right. This can’t be happening. I try to pull away from him but he’s gripping my waist and pulling me back against him. “Stop, Brian!”
“Fine, fuck…” he growls into my ear, roughly pulls out of me and flops onto his back.
I gasp in pain while clutching my cramping stomach and I sit up. I start gathering the blanket around my naked body as I try and process what the fuck Brian is doing in my bed. I stare at him, my entire body shaking as my mind tries to piece together last night’s events, but everything seems so confusing… like a dream. Or maybe it’s a nightmare.
“What the fuck is your problem?” Brian spits, sitting up beside me, uncaring of his nakedness.
“You just… we fucked, Brian.” Speaking the words make it seem even worse. I put my head in my hands. “Oh god… no, no, no, this can’t be happening.”
“It was just a fuck,” Brian says evenly. “We were drunk…”
“You were drunk, Brian! That’s always your excuse! Fuck!” I start to get up from the bed but he grabs my arm, pulling me back down.
“Are you going to go schoolgirl on me now?” he asks disbelievingly. “You were drunk too!”
I glare back at him. “You have no idea what we’ve just done do you?”
“We fucked,” Brian shrugs. “It’s not like I haven’t fucked you before.”
“Yes… I know you’ve fucked me, it was always just fucking me!” I narrow my eyes at him and explain what he is not accepting, “Except, this time, you were about to fuck me again and I know that you aren’t drunk right now.”
“I like to fuck in the morning,” he explains, rolling his eyes, “even if I am a little worn out from last night.”
“Any body… any hole…” I say. “You’re back to being who you were before Griffin and you were together. Only took one whore, right?” I get up from the bed again.
Brian quickly launches himself off the bed and grabs me in his arms. “Come on, Justin.”
“Let me go!” I try to twist away from him, but I feel so fucking weak.
He grabs me from behind and loops me around to face him. “Running away again?”
“I’m not running, Brian. I’m making a choice before you say something else to hurt me because you feel like you’ve betrayed Griffin!”
“I didn’t betray him by fucking a slut,” Brian spits out. He pushes on my shoulders, making me fall back on the bed and then falls on top of me with his hands on each side of my face. He hisses, “Whore…”
“Stop calling me that. I’m not a whore, Brian!”
“You are for me,” he whispers, his lips against my ear. “You used to love being called that, remember? You even told me you were my whore last night.”
“That’s not what I said,” I tell him, struggling against him, but not hard enough. The feel of his body against mine, makes my insides quiver and my brain always malfunctions when I’m so close to him.
“You’re hard for me again.” His hand skims down my stomach as he repositions himself so that our cocks rub together.
“Stop,” I whisper and feel tears prick into my eyes. He has to stop. I can’t keep being tortured like this. I can’t be his whore, his meaningless experimental ass. That’s not who I want to be to him. It’s not.
“You want me.” His eyes hold my gaze as his hand slides down behind my balls, and a finger traces down to my hole and against my tender skin.
“That hurts,” I tell him; my voice begs him to stop but I know my body is begging for more. My hips actually jut up and I feel my empty insides twitch in anticipation. I want him to fill me, stretch me, but I shouldn’t want it. I can’t want it! “You’re hurting me.” The words come out of my mouth as if I just told him I loved what he’s doing. That son-of-a-bitch. I do.
“I don’t care,” he tells me harshly. “I don’t care if I hurt you, Justin.” His eyes soften as he speaks to me. Now his body tells the truths his words cannot say. “You were right,” he says softly. “I don’t care about you,” he gasps each word, forced from the depths of his lies.
I don’t believe him. “Yes you do,” I say adamantly. “You care about me, Brian.”
He shoves his finger inside me then, making my back arch and I instinctively circulate my pelvis to grind down against his probing. I scream from the pleasurable pain.
He leans over me. “Fuck you.”
His finger starts to move around faster inside me, making me sweat. He’s not touching my prostate, and all I can do is grip my hands on his forearms and claw my fingers into him as my eyes close.
“I do care about you, Justin,” he yells at me.
My eyes slam open and meet his. I whimper his name, “Brian.”
“Shh…” He leans down and kisses the bridge of my nose as he whispers to me. I close my eyelids and feel his tongue sweep out over them and then more feathery kisses fall along the side of my jaw.
I stop the painful grip I have on his forearms and slide my hands around to his back. Even though I feel so sensual and my sex drive is nearly controlling my brain, I still want something more.
“I hate that I’ve always wanted you,” Brian groans as his lips and teeth nuzzle at my neck. “I love…”
I pull my arms around his back and take him into a fierce hug. He falls down on me, his finger awkwardly pulls out of me and he huffs out a deep breath against my throat. I squeeze him tightly and hide my face in his hair. “Brian, we can’t do this again.” This pisses him off and he struggles to look up at me but I keep my hold squeezing his face against my neck, feeling his breath and spit pooling in the indention where it meets my shoulder. “Brian, I don’t want this. I can’t want it.” I keep my eyes tightly closed as I feel his heartbeat increase against mine.
“You love it,” he growls. His hands find their way underneath my back, he lifts me up against him, my ass sitting in his lap, and my legs spread on each side of his own.
I open my eyes reluctantly. “I don’t… love…”
“You love me fucking you and begging me to come inside you,” his hands drag up and down my back and settle on my waist where his fingers press into my skin. “Don’t you remember begging me to come inside you last night?”
Icy cold fear slices into my conscious, an instant result of his words. My whole body shivers in his arms and I try to push away again. “No Brian! Let go of me!”
“Justin,” he holds me tighter, moving his hands from my hips so his arms span from the top of my back to my bottom, keeping our chests tightly pressed together. His eyes narrow onto mine and I know he feels it when I shiver from his gaze, he moves his hands just a little to rub on my back, calmly.
It won’t work though. I can’t be calm. I push my hands against his chest and look him in the eyes. “Let me go. Now!”
I see his eyes get soft and then change to dark and fearful as he releases me and I slide away from him. I wiggle backwards, looking at him through my tear-filled eyes. I feel like I can’t breathe.
He slowly crawls toward me. “What… Justin. Fuck… I was only playing with you.”
I shake my head and hold out my hand to stop him from coming any closer to me. “You… were playing with me?”
“Yeah, fuck, Justin. I wasn’t going to…” Brian’s voice is soft and trying to be soothing but I hear the trembles in his words. “I wouldn’t have done anything to you that I wasn’t sure you wanted.”
“I know that,” I whisper and pull my legs up to my chest. “But, you were playing about… about comeing inside me, right? You put a condom on before you fucked me, each time, right?”
“Justin,” he gets closer to me and puts a hand on my shoulder. “Did you see me put one on?”
“You always used to say that you were so damn careful, Brian,” I whisper. “You told me you could put one on in five seconds flat and tie one off in three.”
“I didn’t. I don’t even have any in the house. I wasn’t thinking. All I wanted was you,” Brian gasps. “You begged me to come inside you, Justin.”
I shake my head at that. “I… I couldn’t have drunk that much to not realize that….that you fucked me without a condom.”
“You helped me drink half that bottle of whiskey and downed half a bottle while I was bringing the kids out to your Mom’s car,” he says evenly. “You should have stopped me!”
“I should’ve stopped you?” I ask. “I trusted you…”
“I don’t have anything. I haven’t been with anyone but Griffin in…”
I cut him off. “What about me?”
“What? You have something?” he asks, angered.
“No! I don’t… not yet… but seeing that I’m not on fucking birth control, odds are I’m going to have a fucking baby,” I start to sob as the words coming out of my mouth work their way deeper into my head. “Fuck…fuck…fuck…!”
“Son-of-a-bitch,” Brian whispers, backing away from me now. “I thought you were on birth control and I trusted you, Justin.”
“Fuck you, Brian,” I growl. “What were you thinking?” I can’t remember what happened last night. It’s all one big huge drunken blur and I’m sure it’s not the same for Brian if he remembers me begging for his come.
Brian runs his hands over his face but crawls closer to me again. He puts his hand on top of the one I’ve got laying on top of my stomach. “I wasn’t thinking. I can’t think when you’re around, Justin. I’ve rarely been able to.”
I wipe my tears with my free hand and stare at him. I don’t know how long we stare at each other. It seems like forever but it also seems like only seconds have passed when a knock on the door sounds from downstairs.
“I think that’s Mom with the kids.” Brian pulls his hand away from mine.
“Fuck,” I say again. My entire life seems to be crashing down around me and I can’t think of anything to say. I start to get up from the bed, but he grabs my hand. I fall on my butt beside him on the bed.
“I’ll go. I’ll go get them. Lay back down. I’ll tell her you’re sleeping in.”
“I can’t go back to bed,” I seethe. I can’t imagine sleeping right now when… when I’ve obviously gone and fucked up my entire life with a huge mistake.
“Do you want to go down there? Really? You know she will be able to tell you are upset and she’ll ask why. Do you want to tell her that we just fucked?”
“Brian…” I start to chastise him for even suggesting such a thing.
Brian interrupts me with a growl. “And considering how many times we probably fucked in the last twelve hours, without protection, you gonna tell her that you are fucking upset because I most likely just knocked you up?”
I sigh. “No. Fuck… I just…”
“Then stay up here until I get the kids settled. I’ll be back and then… we’ll talk some more,” he says, his voice nervous. “Fuck.”
He starts to get up but sits back down when I start to sob again. “I’m so stupid.”
Brian crawls closer and takes me into his arms. “We’re both stupid, Justin.” He kisses my cheek, gets up and I watch as he pulls on a pair of my sweats that were lying in the clean clothesbasket beside my bed. It’s the first clothing he has put on that aren’t Griffin’s.
***
Friday, February 20th 1981
3rd Person P.O.V.
Will we stay friends?
“I really wish we wouldn’t have bought all this food,” Craig grumbled as he covered the pizza with foil.
Jennifer nodded her head in agreement. “I guess Brian was right,” she assessed.
“What do you mean?” Craig put the two pizza pies in the fridge.
“He told me that when Justin handed out all the invitations that the kids made fun of him and said they didn’t want to come.”
“Why on Earth did you not tell me about this before?”
Jennifer shrugged. “Justin’s such a good boy. I really thought that Brian was mistaken.”
“It was those damn Sesame Street invitations,” Craig assessed. “No wonder they didn’t want to come. They probably thought it was a baby’s party.”
Jennifer put her hands on her hips and glared at her husband. “They’re kindergarteners. Justin is only six years old. He loves Sesame Street. I wasn’t going to tell him he couldn’t have the party he wanted. I don’t think he cared anyway. He’s happy to have Brian and Daphne here.”
“Look, Mommy!” Justin giggled as he came into the kitchen.
Jennifer laughed at her son. “What’s under your shirt?”
Justin reached under his yellow, Big Bird t-shirt and grabbed the boy cabbage patch doll out. “I had a baby, Mommy.”
“Oh God,” Craig groaned and walked out of the room.
Jennifer snickered. “You’re a silly boy, Justin. Make sure you tell Brian thank you again, for giving you that doll. It cost him all the allowance he earned.”
“Okay!” Justin giggled and ran back into the living room to Brian.
Brian handed Justin the fake baby bottle as the boy knelt beside him on the rug. “I think it’s time to feed him.”
“Thanks for gettin’ Toby for my birthday,” Justin spoke sincerely and put the bottle to the doll’s mouth. “I’m gonna be a good Daddy when I grow up because I got practice now.”
“I’m never having kids,” Brian told the little boy.
Justin rocked the doll in his arms and looked at Brian curiously. “Why not?”
“They’re too much trouble,” Brian replied. “Besides, I wouldn’t be no good at it.”
Justin held Toby out to Brian and the older boy quickly took him in his arms and pretended to feed it. “You’ll be a good Daddy, Brian,” Justin said in his innocent all-knowing voice.
***
Saturday, April 7th 2007
Brian’s P.O.V.
There are times
When I wish that I was you
Thick skinned
Cities you drive me through
Better than me
7 days
And my system is free again
We rise
Lose it on oblivion
Falling away
I’m sorry for the way
The way
The way
Your child is on fire
Your child is on fire
Will ya come again?
Will we stay friends?
Oh, you paralyze
Oh, you paralyze
“Do you want to get one of those morning-after pills?”
Justin looks at me in shock and his entire expression turns painfully sad. “I guess that’s my only choice.” He bows his head into his crossed arms and I hear him whimper. His shoulders start to shake.
I’m completely confused. I scoot closer to him and lay my hand on his back. “You don’t have to,” I tell him softly. “I mean… we don’t even know if you’re pregnant, Justin.”
Slowly he turns his head toward me, tears are sliding down his face and his eyes are glassy and puffy-red. “It’s that easy for you to toss a child of yours away. Isn’t it?”
I know because of the way I’ve been acting about Audrey that this is the reason why he thinks that. He believes that it’s easy for me? He couldn’t be more wrong. Knowing that I once wished that she didn’t exist… it fucking kills me. It hurts to look at her. It kills me to touch her, to love her. I tried to exterminate her very existence! But it certainly wasn’t easy an easy thing to beg for. It was even harder to do what I finally did for her. “Justin, I made the decision to keep Audrey, knowing that I would kill my husband,” I tell him. I fight back my own tears that the memories of that day immediately cause me.
“What? Griffin said that you…”
“I did,” I interrupt him.
“What do you mean?”
“He was about a week from the time that aborting the fetus would no longer be an option when he got pneumonia. The doctors didn’t believe he was of sound mind to make the decision to keep the baby.”
“Brian,” he whispers my name sadly. “Griffin told me that you didn’t want her.”
“I fought his decision to keep the baby, he was right. I did, I fought him really hard, at first. But Griffin wanted it. He wanted Audrey so fucking bad Justin. He wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer. His doctors weren’t sure he’d be able to make it anywhere close to full term with her. They told me straight out, that if he continued with the pregnancy that it could kill them both. He was weak and barely lucid, refusing any medical treatment. He barely remembered those two weeks and Griff never knew that I made the decision.”
“But why? Why didn’t you tell Griffin?”
“Because I was sure he would hate me… in the end. When it was time for us to go to the hospital for him to give birth.” I have to wipe my eyes and try to calm my breathing before I continue. “The sicker he got from the cancer, the more Audrey lived. She was literally sucking the life right out of him. I thought that when he realized that he was really going to die, I thought he would damn me or at the very least, hate me. I’d protested so much about him keeping her, at first. I didn’t want him to have the baby because I didn’t want to lose him. I didn’t want our children to be without him. I hurt him so much when I begged him to abort her. But when it was time to make that decision I knew for certain that he wanted her, and… I… by then… I wanted her too. But, I’d already wished that her life be extinguished so many times! When she was born and I lost Griffin in return for her life… fuck… what kind of man does that make me, Justin?”
He sits up straighter puts his arm around my waist and rests his head on my shoulder. “I didn’t want Leighton, Brian… at first… and it wasn’t because of life and death. I was selfish. It was because I was afraid he’d ruin my life. After he was born, I was so fucking depressed. I had post-partum depression and I didn’t want to tell you or Griffin about it. I was so afraid that you guys would think I was a horrible father to Leighton. I felt horrible that I’d given birth to my baby and that I’d actually thought of harming him before he could have a chance at life. I was afraid that you both would hate me if I told you. What kind of man did that make me?”
For fuck sakes, he was depressed and we didn’t even know. How blind were we? How blind I was to a man’s pain that had always taken my own on his shoulders or done his best to resolve it? “You never said a word,” I say, not able to speak my thoughts.
“I was scared.” He snuggles his face into my chest, the way he used to when we were best friends.
“You should’ve said something to us,” I admonish him. I can’t believe he went through depression alone. Or was he? Was that why he acted so distant? Was that why he was always acting so weird around us?
“You were both so busy,” he tells me. “You started working together and I was sure there was something more going on. I never missed the way you two looked at each other or touched each other. Griffin never touched me. He’d be home late and you…”
“Justin, stop,“ I plead. I can’t hear anymore. Christ! What did I do to him? What the fuck did I do to his… to our family?
“You were in love with Griffin. I… was starting to realize that he would be better off with you. In knew you’d make him happy. I loved you both so much and I wanted you to be happy. I loved you, Brian.”
I push his head off me and turn his face to look at me. “Who were you seeing when you went out at night and told Griff you were with Daphne? Tell me the fucking truth, Justin!”
He shakes his head and wipes at his eyes. “I can’t tell you.”
“Yes! You can!” I counter. He had fucking better be honest with me for once!
“I was with my therapist,” he whispers and starts to sob again. “I didn’t want you to think I was crazy and take my baby from me. If you knew what I’d thought… before Griffin asked me to marry him. I was sure that if you knew… you’d take him.”
I grab him and wrap my arms around him. “I wouldn’t have, Justin,” I swear to him. “I would have tried to help you.”
“You loved Griffin,” he gasps out through his cries. “I knew you did. I knew that Griffin wasn’t happy with me. He never really wanted to marry me, Brian. He just thought he did, and when I turned up pregnant it was a good excuse for him to try to be happy.”
I pull him back, take his face in my hands, and stare into his eyes. “That’s bullshit, Justin. He did love you. He loved you so fucking much. It was so hard for me to get him to stop thinking about you first. I was so jealous of you. It’s no excuse, but I was so angry when I saw how much you hurt him, but it wasn’t Griffin who was hurt the most, it was you! I can’t believe what I did to you, Justin.”
“I wanted you to be happy, Brian,” he tells me this again, his tone firm. “I wanted you to be happy and in love…even if…”
“Even if it hurt you? Even if it tore you apart? Why did you tell me that you were cheating on him? Why did you tell me you were when you weren’t?”
“Because I knew he would leave me if he thought that. I wouldn’t be a pity case to him. He wouldn’t feel like he was leaving an impotent psycho and stay with me.”
“But… what about us? Why did you fuck me that night?”
“I wanted to be happy, Brian, even if it was just for a little while. I knew what you were doing. I knew why you were doing it. But I didn’t care. I figured that if I was going to give up everything…. For you to be happy…” he hiccups and laughs sarcastically. “I wanted you and Griffin to have everything you wanted.”
“What does that have to do with us? Why did you let me…” fuck the shit out of you? Use you? Blame you? Blackmail you?
“Because I was in love with you and I knew you’d never love me in return. Not once you, Griffin and I divorced.”
“I wouldn’t have gone to him or you if I didn’t think that you were fucking cheating on him. That’s what it all seemed like. He was always telling me things he suspected about you, Justin. The way he made it sound to me was like you hated him! Fuck! I wouldn’t have…”
“He would have gone to you, Brian,” Justin interrupts me. “Don’t you get it? I was the easily attainable one… but I wasn’t who he really loved. I never was. It was always you. The difference between Griffin and me was that you actually loved him.”
I stare at his beautifully sad face. Everything he’s saying… it seems like. It seems as though I’ve betrayed my best friend and I wonder how in the fucking Hell it took me this long to realize how absolutely wrong I am for doing what I’ve done to him. I wasn’t there for him when he needed me the most. I ruined his fucking life! He was in love with me! He sacrificed everything for Griffin and my happiness. For our love… a love that we denied to him and didn’t see because he had post-partum depression. What the fuck is wrong with me?
***
Thursday, July 23rd 1998
Brian’s P.O.V.
Will we stay friends?
Oh, will ya come again?
Will we stay
Will we stay
Will we stay, hey?
Ah!
Lick these
My ruby lips
Drop your
Protein pills
And from your fingers
Fuck this
Better just to lose yourself
We kiss we kiss we kiss
For over a month, I’ve listened to Griffin talk more and more about reasons why he believes Justin is cheating on him. I had to find out if this was true and tonight I did. I offered to watch Leighton while Justin was ‘out with Daphne’ for a late dinner. While he was gone, I ‘accidentally’ dialed her number and it was no big surprise when she asked me how Justin was doing because she hadn’t heard from him.
This week, was the perfect time to catch Justin and find out what the fuck is going on in his silly blond head. Griffin left yesterday and will be gone until Tuesday. He’s relaxing himself in Oahu, Hawaii, going over our new campaign with Julian for one of his hotels.
“So, you’re seeing someone,” I say, trying to keep my tone neutral.
Justin’s eyes get big and he shoves the bottle of tequila into my chest. “What are you talking about?”
“Griff knows Justin,” I tell him.
“What?”
He backs away from me, sliding toward the far end of the couch. “Brian…”
“Don’t!” I stop his protests and pull him close to me. “You can lie to Griffin but don’t pretend like you can lie to me, Justin. He knows that you weren’t out with Daphne last Thursday or the one before. He hasn’t believed that story for awhile. And tonight, I happened to talk to Daphne. Apparently, she was worried about you because you haven’t talked to her for quite awhile.”
His eyes start to fill with tears and he protests, “Brian, that isn’t…”
“You know,” I interrupt him. “If you were going to cheat on him, you should’ve at least called Daphne and told her to cover for you.” I smooth my hand down his back. “You didn’t ever love Griffin, did you?”
“Brian…”
“Why did you marry him? I told you not to marry him if you didn’t love him!”
“I was pregnant, Brian…”
I won’t let him blame this on that. His mother and I would’ve helped him. He knows that! I told him as much. He didn’t have to do this to Griffin. Or to me. “We would’ve helped you Justin. You know we would’ve helped you and Leighton.”
He leans his face closer to me. “What?”
“We would’ve still been there for you and Leighton. You fucked us all over though. You’ve been seeing someone else.”
“You’re right. I don’t love Griffin,” he whispers in a cry.
I grab him to me and kiss him, take the bottle from his hand and place it on the rug. “I’m going to fuck you.” Over.
“No,” he growls the word into my mouth.
I don’t stop though, because he doesn’t. He wants it and the more I kiss him, the more he gives in to me.
“Yes,” Justin moans like a wanton slut.
I shove my hand into his pants and grasp his hard cock.
“Fuck me, Brian,” he begs.
I do as he requests.
After it’s over, he’s lays on his side, wrapped in a throw blanket, quietly crying. I can’t believe that it’s come to this. But he has to stop fucking with Griffin, with me. I run my hand down his sticky-sweaty back. “You’re going to tell Griffin you’ve been cheating on him.”
He turns his head, his eyes filled with pitiful tears. “Okay.”
“When he gets home from Hawaii Tuesday night, tell him then.” I get up and start to dress as I talk. “Tell him. Or I’ll tell him we fucked and then… how do you think he’s going to feel, Justin? You want him to lose everyone he loves?”
He sits up quickly and gasps, “Why did you do this?”
“Because… you never would have told him the truth if I didn’t make you.”
He doesn’t say anything, just nods his head at me, lying back down on the couch and continues to cry. He’s my best friend, but somewhere along the line, he deceived me. He became a man I don’t even know, or recognize. I tried; I really tried to be happy for him and Griffin. But, I can’t stand to see Griffin hurt and betrayed any longer. This way, Justin will tell him, leave him, whatever, it’s all the same in the end.
Whether or not Griffin wants to be with me is a moot point. Justin made his bed. Now he has to lie in it. I don’t want him hurt, but… there’s nothing more I can do. It’s over now. For the first years of my life I grew up in a household with two parents that didn’t love each other and took their frustrations out on me. I can’t let Leighton go through that.
***
Saturday, April 7th 2007
Justin’s Point Of View
Pretty words could never say
Pretty words could never say
Pretty words could never say
Yeah, pretty words could never say
it’s all the way
it’s all the way
away
will ya come again
will we stay friends?
will ya come again?
“You’ll never forgive me, will you?”
“You’ve never apologized, Brian,” I reply. His eyes grow wide and I brush away his tears. “I’d forgive you, but I don’t know that Griffin will ever forgive us.”
He takes my hands and squeezes them; staring into my eyes. “I’m more than sorry, Justin.”
“It’s going to take some time,” I say. The truth is, I’ve never heard him apologize to anyone in the tone of voice he spoke to me and I forgave him the second the words crossed his lips because I know that he really is sorry.
“I’m sure it will,” he answers. “I’ll wait.”
“Brian, what are we going to do?”
“I don’t know,” he whispers. “But I don’t want you to go back to Chicago. I want you to stay here, you and Leighton.”
“Do you want me to stay because I might be pregnant?” I ask him, wanting him to clarify the blurry future any way he can.
“I want you to stay because I want my best friend back. If you’re pregnant than… I’ll do whatever you want. But, whatever you decide, I want you to know that I want you here, with me. I want to make thisour home. We’re family.”
Our home? I don’t know about that. “Would you want our baby, Brian?”
“Yes,” he answers fast.
“What about us? We can’t just keep fucking and…” I trail off. This isn’t the time for that. Brian is still grieving the loss of his husband, fuck… I’m a fucking whore. He was right!
He surprises me as he leans toward me and kisses my lips, softly dragging his tongue across them and then pulling back. “I think we need to get our friendship back before we even think about anything else happening.”
“You think… you think something else may happen between us?”
“I think I’ve always known, but I didn’t understand it. One of the reasons I fell in love with Griffin was because I felt the same things for him that I felt for you all the time we’d known one another. But my feelings for both of you were different.”
***
Thursday, November 30th 2006
Justin’s P.O.V.
Will we stay friends?
Oh, will ya come again?
Will we stay?
Will we stay?
Will we stay?
Will we stay?
“You need to come back home, now,” my mother’s voice is only a whisper.
Immediately dread coils up my spine. “Griffin?”
“Yes,” I hear her pause and she starts to sob.
I hear more commotion in the background, fuck! “Mom. Mom… hello… are you there?”
The phone jostles around and then a gruff sounding voice speaks. “Justin?”
“Brian, is my mom okay what’s going on?”
“Your mom just needs a few minutes. I sent her upstairs to get herself together.”
“Okay…” silence spreads between the phone lines as I wait.
“When can you and Leighton come home?”
I try not to cry; as I know those words only mean that the worse has now happened. “I’ll talk to my boss tomorrow. We planned to come in two weeks, so it shouldn’t be a problem to come in a day or so. I’ll let you know tomorrow okay?”
“Yeah. Listen, you’ll be staying with your mom. Leighton’s going to stay here at the house with us.”
“Brian…”
“Don’t try to fucking argue with me on this!” he barks.
I sigh. “I wasn’t. I just… please tell me what’s happened.”
“What do you think? He’s… he’s dying, Justin.”
Oh God. We were just there last week for Thanksgiving and he actually looked healthier than he did a few months before. I don’t know what to say so I ask, “How is the baby?”
“Who?”
“Your baby, Brian…” Christ, Griffin told me that Brian was really distant concerning the baby and his decision to keep it, but shit!
“The baby is healthy,” he says, finally. His words sound completely uncaring. That must kill Griffin if he notices the extent.
“Good,” I say. “Where is Griffin now?”
“He’s at the hospital but we’re moving him home again, tomorrow and he’ll be mostly on bed rest until….”
“The baby’s born,” I finish for him. I won’t allow him to say anything else right now.
“Can I… talk to Leighton?”
“Wait, Brian. Griffin told me not to say anything to him yet, so I haven’t…”
“I just want to say hi,” he cuts me off.
“Okay. Let me go get him.”
I set the receiver down on the kitchen island and walk into the living room. I clear my throat and speak in a forced cheerful tone, “Hey Leighton, someone’s on the phone for you.”
He looks away from the cartoon he’s watching and smiles at me. “Who?”
“It’s your Dada Brian. He wants to say hi,” I tell him.
Leighton gets up, faster than I’ve ever seen him when Super Friends is involved. He runs past me into the kitchen. Before I can turn around my little whirlwind has grabbed the phone.
He shouts into it with excitement. “Dada Brian?”
I try not to be hurt. I have to remind myself that it was Leighton who chose to call the man “Dada Brian”. I couldn’t deny him that. He didn’t understand why he couldn’t call a man that had always been in his life, Dada. Leighton never knew, or never understood that there was…is a difference between his sister’s relationship with Brian and his own.
“Daddy!” I hear him whine at me.
“I’ll be in the living room,” I tell him and roll my eyes. I sit down heavily on the couch. He and Brian have always had a secret connection I could never understand. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me jealous. More times than not I’m thankful, that Leighton has Brian. Rationally I know that it’s wonderful that my son has someone else besides his two biological fathers that love and care about him so much. But there are times that my jealously rears its ugly head.
I love that Griffin and Brian have always made Leighton feel like he is just as much a member of their family as Evvie is. But it hurts so much to know that they don’t think of me that way. Hell, my mother acts as if she’s their mother. Sure, she’s still mine too, and she loves me so much. But to her, to everyone… I’m the one that broke up our family, our friendships. So if I’m the one that gets cut out, the one who feels uncomfortable, I have no one but myself to blame.
My mistakes in my love life will follow me around until the day that I ….
“Dada, Daddy Brian wants to talk to you now…”
I get up from the couch and walk into the kitchen. I wait until Leighton tells Brian he loves him and says goodbye. I give his hair a ruffle as he runs past me. Super Friends once again his top priority.
“Hello?”
“What time are you going to call tomorrow?”
“I… I’ll find out the exact date of the end of Leighton’s semester of school in the morning and then I’ll talk to my boss as soon as I get into the gallery. So I guess I’ll call you around ten?”
“Okay,” he sighs. “I guess that will have to work.”
“Well what time do you want me to call?” It’s so hard to be annoyed with his overbearing micromanaging attitude when I know how much pain he’s in.
“Can you make it by nine-thirty? I’m supposed to be at the hospital by ten. And… call my cell phone because I may have left here already.”
“You’re staying at my mom’s house?”
“You have a problem with that?”
“No Brian… of course not… it was just the first I heard.”
“Evvie’s been here with your mom off and on. I didn’t want to uproot her when I’ve got to leave early anyway. Your mom’s got to show some houses in the afternoon in my neighborhood so she’s going to drop Evvie off at home after I get Griffin settled. Is that okay with you?”
“Of course, Brian… I just…” Fuck the man is so frustrating. Times like these, I wonder when, how and if we were ever really best friends. Did he ever really love me? Love having me in his life? When did he stop confiding in me? When did he start to condemn all of my words and actions? Fuck!
“Your Mom wants to talk to you. Just try not to upset her.”
“She’s my mother for fuck sakes Brian!” I won’t allow him to tell me how to treat my own fucking mother.
“Right…” he sounds surprised at my outburst. It doesn’t make me feel bad. “Okay I’ll speak with you tomorrow. Later.”
“Later, Brian,” I grumble and clear my voice, waiting for him to hand the phone to my mom. Tell me not to upset her. Who the fuck does he think I am? Oh, yeah… that’s right. I know the answer to that one.