Point of View
Chapter Six: “Float”
Thursday, April 30th 2007
Justin’s P.O.V.
It’s a beautiful world
But everyone’s insane
Either you swim or either you fade
It’s a revolution time
We’re sleeping at the wheel
Apocalypse child in a nuclear field
We want to change the world
But not what holds us back
I want to be for you what I’ve never had
“Are you sure we can tell this early?” Brian asks me for the millionth time.
I roll my eyes at him in the mirror. “It says so on the box.”
Brian nods his head and looks back down at the two sticks sitting on the side of the bathroom sink. “We should’ve gotten a third box. Didn’t I buy a third kit?”
“You did,” I say. “But, I used it last week. It said it could tell last week but I peed on the wrong end and made it unreadable.”
Brian laughs and I feel his warm breath graze my neck, sending shivers to spread upon my skin. “You cold?” he asks, obviously noticing the raised bumps along my naked back, arms and chest.
I don’t know what happened, but Brian has been crazy accommodating. If I told him I was cold, I’d have no doubt in my mind that he’d probably shoot off into my bedroom and grab me a sweater. I’m almost tempted to say that I am just to get him to stop hovering over me. But, no, I’m not cold. I’ve been getting weird hot flashes all week and I’ve realized that obviously my hormones must be changing for a reason. I hope that the test will pick up on the change now. Or, not. This may be better for everyone. And, I may just be imagining them. Yeah, yeah, no such luck, I’m sure.
“Did you hear me?” he asks, breaking into my thoughts.
I feel the outbreak receding. “I’m fine. Still a little hot.”
“Okay,” he says unsure. “If you want, I’ll get you a…”
“I’m fine.” I interrupt because my body is reacting again to his breath ghosting across my neck as he leans closer to me and looks over my shoulder.
“I never saw Griffin do this,” he speaks quietly in my ear. “With Audrey they knew because of the blood work.”
I look into his eyes and I’m surprised not to see the depressed stare he usually gets when he speaks about Griff. The last couple of weeks, Brian’s behavior changed so much, he’s continuously throwing me. “Why not with Evelyn?”
“He was in Hawaii landing an account for one of Julian’s new resorts when he took the test.”
“Oh.” I close my eyes for a moment, fighting the thoughts about the crawling jealousy and pain that time caused me
Brian smoothes his cool hands along my arms and presses the front of his body against my back intimately. “I remember when you told me you were pregnant with Leighton, I was so happy.”
I snap my eyes open and look at him in shock. “What?”
“I thought it’d be fun to be an Uncle,” he says in a soft voice.
“But you’re Dada Brian to him,” I say. “You always have been.”
“I always will be, Justin. Our kids, even if we don’t have another one on the way, they’ll always have two parents who can take care of them and love them.”
“They will,” I agree. But that still doesn’t mean I’ll be staying in Pittsburgh. The test beeps and I look at the screen. PREGNANT, it reads. “Holy shit,” I gasp.
“Finding out I’m going to be a father again on my daughter’s fifth birthday is pretty strange,” Brian comments, his voice sounding a little awed.
“Yeah, strange. But not as strange as me being pregnant with your child,” I remark. Fuck, I knew this was a damn good possibility but it’s still terrifying.
“You loved me,” Brian speaks in a sad voice. “When you did… Didn’t you think we’d have a family together?”
“No,” I answer fast. “You never liked kids. You never wanted them.” I don’t want to talk about this. I wish he’d drop it.
“But, you did.”
I turn around, face him and speak strongly, “I never really thought about us ever really being an us, further than getting you in bed.” I know I’m lying. I’ve dreamt of having Brian’s child since I knew where babies came from. Now, that has happened and it’s no dream come true. I’ve lived a nightmare for too long and this is just more false hope that I’ll get out of it.
He rolls his eyes and bites his lips before replying, “Bullshit.”
I shrug and grab the tests and throw them in the trash. “Think what you want, Brian. You always do,” I say, brushing past him and heading for the bathroom door.
“Stop,” he requests and grabs my arm.
“Brian, I’ve got to check on dinner and my Mom is going to be here any minute.”
“Don’t you want to say anything about it?”
Uh. No. I want to get out of this small room. I want to get away from him. “No, I have nothing to say.”
“We’re going to have a baby,” his words wobble a little and I notice that his eyes are misty.
“Yeah, I know.” What the fuck does he want? I’m not going to be jumping up and down in excitement about this. I don’t feel any different now than I felt a half hour ago. Except, now I know why my body temperature is funky and why I’ve got heartburn.
“You’re not,” Brian sighs and pushes his tongue in his cheek.
“I’m not what?” I ask.
“You’re not happy.”
“No,” I huff out. Is he crazy? How in the fuck does he think I could be happy?
“Well,” he pauses and gives me a nervous smile, “I am. I don’t want you to have to go through what I put Griffin through. It wasn’t right. He said that when he was gone, I should find something to be happy about.”
Griffin and his positive thinking bullshit. “Maybe, you should focus on being happy to have the children you already have,” I snap at him. I barely stick around long enough to see his face drop and run out of the bathroom.
I know what I said was mean. I know it was cruel. But, I’m so sick of having to live by Brian’s whims and moods. I want to have control over my own life, but now I never will. I’ll be tied to Brian, in some way, for the rest of our fucking lives. It’s not my child’s fault and I’d never take it out on my baby. But I can’t help but feel trapped, once again.
***
Friday, December 13th 1996
Justin’s P.O.V.
And all of this time i was just trying to reach you
Through the rain traffic
As you float into space
“Griffin asked me to marry him.”
Brian sighs and shrugs his shoulders as he points to the ring on my finger. “You said yes.”
“Yes.” Why do I feel like I should’ve talked to Brian about this before I gave Griffin an answer? It’s just that, I was afraid to say no.
“Why?”
“I…I love him, Brian,” I say, trying to convince myself.
“Are you sure you don’t just love him as a friend?”
“Yes I’m sure,” I whisper my lie and drag my hands through my hair. Why the fuck does my life, have to be so complicated?
“The way you love him isn’t the same love you have for me?”
“No, Brian,” I tell him honestly. “I don’t love Griffin in the same way I love you.”
“It’s not just because you’re pregnant? If you’re marrying him because of that, you know that you don’t have to. I’ll help you with the baby. I know Mom will too.”
I doubt that. “That’s not why I agreed to marry him.”
“Okay. Then I guess congratulations are in order.” I feel relieved.
He gives me a quick hug and stands up. “I guess I should go see those places your mom has lined up for me, sooner rather than later.”
I hadn’t thought of that. Of course, he wouldn’t want to live with us now. Fuck! “I guess so,” I say, tears filling my voice, as my emotions seem to fall upon me in tidal waves.
“Hey.” He sits back down on the couch and takes me into his arms. “It’s okay you know. You can still back out, Justin. I swear to you, I’ll help you raise the baby. I know Griffin will still support the baby too. He wouldn’t just abandon you if you said no.”
“I can’t,” I cry. “I want my baby to have his father in his life.”
“Griff wouldn’t leave you stranded. You know that. Neither would I.”
I quickly pull out of his arms and wipe my tears. “I know that, Brian. But, I love Griffin and he loves me. I just don’t want you to go.”
Brian laughs and kisses my cheek. “Well, how about you come with me? Your Mom has this really great property for me to look at on the outskirts of Pittsburgh. She said it’s practically a mansion but the owner is going into foreclosure so I can get it for a steal. Come on, it’ll take your mind off of things.”
“Okay,” I agree.
You know, I envy Brian. He’s always known what he’s wanted. Ever since we were kids, he knew that he wanted to have his own Ad Agency, live in a big house and drive nice cars. He’s going to have it all. Brian always gets what he wants.
***
Saturday, June 16th 2007
Justin’s P.O.V.
Your white eyes hide your face
As you float in between
I am with you
If you leave
Fragile to the waves
Vicissitudes of days
“My mother is going to freak out,” I mumble.
“We’ve waited a long time. She suspects something is going on,” Brian reminds me. “She thinks you’re depressed and over-eating and keeps bugging me to convince you to see a psychiatrist.”
“I know. But, she’s going to flip out. I want to wait a little while longer. Until I can’t hide it anymore.”
“I can’t say I’m looking forward to telling her,” Brian agrees as he rubs a comforting hand up and down my back. “So we’ll do it, when you’re ready.”
“How are we going to explain this to the kids?” I ask him.
“Jesus,” he hops up and sits beside me on the exam table. “We’ve definitely made a mess that’s going to be hard to get out of.”
I frown. “It’s still early, Brian…”
“No!” he interrupts, his voice resonating around the small room. “I didn’t mean it like that. I don’t… I don’t ever want you or our baby to think that I don’t want the baby,” he explains and lays his hand on top of my stomach.
I place my hand over his and I realize that the second I touch him, it stops shaking. “It’s been a long time since I was pregnant. I don’t remember feeling the baby this early.”
“Maybe it’s because you know what to expect?” His fingers make little circles over the gown, tickling my stomach. I can’t help but laugh. “You’re still ticklish there?”
“Yeah.” I gently push his hand away and look up at him. I’m surprised to see a huge smile on his face. “Are you really happy, Brian?”
His smile fades a little as he shrugs. “I think so. I told you, I want to be happy about our child.”
Brian has been doing great with the kids, especially with Audrey. He goes into Kinnetik three days a week and takes her with him. She stays with his assistant, Cynthia if he’s in an important meeting, but usually he keeps her entertained in his office. He even set up a baby swing and playpen for her in there. When he’s not at work, he’s home, doing stuff around the house and playing with Evvie, she only goes to pre-k for half a day.
On the three days that Brian takes Audrey with him to Kinnetik I take Evvie with me after school to the Bloom Gallery where I got a part time job doing scheduling and promotional work in the afternoons.
At first, I’d applied for a daytime position, but Mr. Bloom wanted someone to be there in the afternoons while he was there. He knew a little bit about why I’d left Chicago and suggested me bringing Evvie along to work. The suggestion threw me at first. But, Sydney Bloom apparently loves kids and misses his granddaughter who recently moved to Florida. He set up a little desk beside mine for Evelyn. She colors, reads books or plays with her Leap pad while I do my work.
Evvie and I pick up Leighton from school on our way home those days and I usually grab take-out on the way. Most of the other days Brian or I make dinner, or my mom has us over at her house. Yesterday was the last day of school. So now, things are going to be different.
Daphne is a little over six months pregnant with her first child. Her husband, Loren, is a surgeon too, and because their schedules are so busy and because they could afford it, she quit her job and offered to watch the kids in the afternoons. The kids love Daphne, but Evelyn has begged to come to work with me.
So why am I even in Pittsburgh? Well, I quit my job in Chicago, sold my house and now Leighton and I are permanently living here. I didn’t think I’d do it. I was determined to have my own life. But a couple of days after we found out I was pregnant, something changed, drastically.
“Justin. Earth to Justin?”
I snap out of my thoughts and turn toward Brian again. “What?”
He laughs. “Geez, already with the pregnant daydreams huh?”
“What?”
“I remember when you were pregnant with Leighton you’d daydream constantly. We’d go out for lunch and I’d be talking to you and you’d go off into another place.”
“I can’t believe you remember that.”
“I remember everything about that time. Christ you were emotional. Oh, and those Lamaze classes…” he trails off laughing.
“I thought you didn’t mind going to those.” I poke him in the ribs playfully.
“Ow!”
“Shh...” I tell him, hearing a knock on the door. “Get up.”
Brian hops off the exam table and calls out, “Come in.”
Doctor Landon quickly enters the room and shuts the door behind him. He turns toward us with a smile on his face and holds out his hand to Brian. “Hi, I’m Jacob Landon.”
Brian shakes the man’s hand. “Brian Kinney.”
The doctor then turns his attention to me and we shake hands. “You must be Justin Taylor?”
“Yes,” I tell him, surprised with the enthusiasm I hear in his voice.
After what happened at the hospital and the rude way the doctors treated Brian after Griffin died, we were determined to go somewhere else. We called around looking for a doctor that could take on new patients and thankfully, Dr. Landon agreed to see us today. He’s one of six OBGYN’s at this birthing center and they have a web site where prior patients talked about their experience and all the reviews said he was a wonderful Doctor. But I didn’t expect him to be this ‘sunny’.
Dr. Landon sets the chart down after flipping through it for a few moments. “I’d like you to elaborate on some of the questions you answered in the paper work if you don’t mind?”
“Okay,” I say worriedly and look up at Brian for support.
Brian smiles reassuringly at me but then narrows his eyes at the doctor and takes back his seat beside me on the exam table.
“Justin, Brian is the father correct?”
“Yes,” I tell him, feeling a warm sensation pass through my body and a heavy feeling in my heart. It’s as if answering that one question suddenly allowed everything to change.
“May I speak freely about your medical needs with him?”
“Of course,” I tell the doctor. I take Brian’s hand. “We’ve been through this before.” I’m referring to the fact that Brian was primarily by my side during my pregnancy with Leighton.
“This is your second child?”
“Fourth,” Brian cuts in. Then, he starts to stutter. “I mean… we have three other children at home…they live with us… they’re mine…and…”
I can’t believe how nervous Brian is suddenly acting. I’ve never seen him this way before. I squeeze his hand and interrupt his ramblings. “My oldest is Leighton; he’ll be ten in July. Brian has Evvie who just turned five and Audrey is five months old.”
Dr. Landon’s expression is clearly amused. “So it has been quite awhile since you were pregnant, Justin?”
“Yes,” I tell him. It seems like just yesterday that Brian and I brought Leighton home, but so much has happened in between now and then that it seems like so many lifetimes ago too.
“Have you decided what birthing plan you’d like?” Dr. Landon asks us.
“We want to go over the papers full of options before we decide anything. That’s okay isn’t it?” I answer.
“Of course, Justin, we’d just like to have a plan on board by your seventh month. Take all the time you need. You can also visit our web site and there is more information there too.”
“Thank you,” Brian says, sounding much more together.
“You wrote down that you are positive about the date of conception?”
“Yes,” I tell him softly, hoping he won’t ask how we’re sure of this. I really don’t want to explain it. “We’re positive of the date; it just took us some time to decide on a physician.”
“That’s understandable,” Dr. Landon speaks nodding his head. “Choosing a doctor who will care for you and your child is very important. So, do I pass the test?”
“Yes,” I reply, pleased with his demeanor already.
“Okay then, anything else we can discuss after the pelvic exam. Also, I’d like to bring in our ultra-sound technician afterwards if you’re not opposed to it.”
They actually ask your permission for that? “Sure.” I can’t get over how nice and caring the people at this place are.
“Brian, would you mind hopping down? I’m going to get my equipment set up and then I’ll be starting Justin’s exam.”
Brian gets off the table and then turns toward me. He whispers, “Do you want me to leave for this part?”
“I’m having your baby this time, Brian,” I whisper back at him. “You can stay if you want.”
“What do you want?”
I lay back on the table and then motion for him to come over to my side. He walks over sheepishly. Shit…he’s been acting so…so…different since the doctor walked in. “I want you to stay with me, Brian.”
“I want to stay too.”
***
Friday, November 2nd 2001
Brian’s Point of View
When i am with you i feel a little brave
The madness and the wars
The circles that we run
Confusion we import look what we have become
“Do you ever think about what you and Justin’s life would be like if you hadn’t met me?”
“What?” I laugh. “Why are you asking me this, now?” I go back to swirling my tongue around Griffin’s navel.
“We’re getting married tomorrow, Brian.”
I look up at him and sigh, “I want to fuck you today.” I spread his legs and he hooks them around my waist.
“You really don’t ever think about it?”
I lean over and kiss him, hoping that my tongue in his mouth will make him shut up. I don’t want to talk about that shit…what ifs and regrets are not my thing. I was sure they weren’t Griff’s either.
He pushes my head back and laughs. “You really have a one track mind, Brian.”
I sit up and grab the lube from the nightstand as I do. “Yes. I do.” I squirt out the sticky substance and put it all over my cock and then shoot some up his hole, making his entire body break out in goose bumps and causing him to gasp my name. “You’re the only one I’ll ever love.”
His back arches off the bed as I enter him and slowly lower myself so our chests are against one another’s. I smile at him and wait for him to accommodate my cock. “The only one, Griffin.”
He frowns. “Don’t say that.”
I chuckle, and move out of his body a little. “Why not? We’re getting married tomorrow.”
“I know,” he gasps as I drive back into him. He grasps my arms. “Wait.”
“Fuck, Griffin, just let me fuck you please!” Yeah, I’m not above begging at this point. We had so many things to do for the wedding today and I haven’t gotten laid since last night!
“Promise me that if anything ever happens to me you’ll let yourself love again.”
“That’s fucking stupid,” I scoff and make a quick thrust in and out of him again.
“Brian!” he angrily shouts my name. His eyes are blazing. “Promise me or I’m not going to marry you. You know what I believe and…”
“Fine,” I interrupt his new wave crap. “I promise I’ll let myself love again.”
“Good,” he sighs in double satisfaction. I’m moving my dick in a circle and it keeps lightly pressing onto his prostate.
I grin. “Same goes for me right?”
“I promise,” he groans out as he grinds himself up onto my cock.
***
Saturday, June 30th 2007
Brian’s P.O.V.
And all of this time i was just trying to reach you
Through the rain traffic
As you float into space
Your white eyes hide your face
As you float in between
I die with you
If you leave
I die with you
I die with you
I’m sitting on the couch, bouncing Audrey on my lap, which she absolutely loves. She’s laughing so hard, it’s really adorable. I actually see a lot of me in her features, and she’s practically a spitting image of Evelyn when she was a baby. She’s getting so big and she’s passed all her tests and met every milestone.
It’s amazing how much time has gone by since Griffin died. It’s amazing that I can be happy without him. I didn’t think I’d ever smile or have fun without him on this Earth. I stopped counting all the things I’m doing without him and I’ve taken the advice from his letters to me and I’m focusing on ‘the now’.
I’ve also taken Justin’s advice. I’m involved with the kids as much as possible and they’ve made me feel so alive. I’ve done my best to give Justin space when he seems to need it, to appreciate what he does and cater to him whenever I can.
Things between us have changed a lot. But, physically he’s very distant toward me. I guess I’m not really ready to move us forward and I know he’s either not ready, or he’s giving me time I need too. In truth, I feel like I’m being pulled to Justin and the idea of a future with him. But I’m not sure it’s right to explore the feelings I’m developing for Justin when I still feel so much love and want for Griffin.
“Dada?” Leighton’s voice breaks me from my thoughts. I spy Leighton cautiously coming around the corner into the living room, looking completely morose.
He’s had some really bad dreams about Griffin the last few weeks, waking up crying in the middle of the night. We’d made progress with him, but it seems like somewhere, he’s hit a setback. “What’s up, buddy?” I motion for him to come and sit beside me on the couch and place Audrey down on her blanket to play with her toys.
He glances at Evvie who is sitting at the small table coloring, lost in her magical world. Justin has had a huge influence on her artistically, though for now she mostly draws pictures of ballerinas and princesses. Still, she draws extremely well for a child her age.
Leighton climbs onto my lap and hugs me. I hold him tightly and rub his back and whisper. “What’s the matter?”
He puts his mouth against my ear. “Is Daddy gonna die?”
My blood runs cold and I feel my stomach churn. “What?” My mouth is so dry I can barely speak. “No. Did you have a bad dream about him last night?”
Leighton pulls away from me and I see tears glistening in his hazel eyes. He leans in and whispers to me again. “No… but he’s upstairs and I can hear him getting sick in the bathroom. He was crying too… just like Papa.”
Oh God. “No, sonny-boy,” I whisper, my voice choked. I curl my fingers through his dusty blond hair and say in the strongest, surest voice I can manage. “Daddy is not going to die. He’s only a little sick right now, but he’ll be better. I promise you, Leighton.”
He pulls back from me again and kisses my cheek as he does. “Not you either, Dada?”
I shake my head and use the pad of my thumb to wipe his tears away. “No, Leighton, not me either. We’re all a family and that’s how it’s going to be for a very, very, very long time.”
He nods his head at me and hugs me again. “I was trying to ask Daddy something when I saw him up there in the bathroom.”
“Ask him what?”
“Can I play with my Leapster now? I cleaned my room up.”
“Sure, but wait until I get up there to unplug it from the charger okay?”
“Okay, Dada!” He’s excited and smiling now as he jumps off me and runs as fast as he can up the stairs. Normally, I might reprimand him for running in the house, but I don’t want to do anything to take away his smile.
He’s taken Griffin’s death much harder than Evelyn has. Almost every time Justin and I think his spells of nightmares have ended, they return. The last two weeks they’ve been coming on every night. We’ve been holding off on sending the kids to a therapist, but I think that we may not have any other choice in the matter. I’d better get up there and get his leapy thing for him and I’ll need to check on and talk to Justin about this.
I stand and pick up Audrey from where she’s scooted under the coffee table and put her into her playpen. She gets easier the older she is and is content to just sit and play with whatever toys you give her, as long as she’s not hungry and doesn’t need her diaper changed. That’s why I can take her into the office with me. The only time she cries is in the middle of the night, or first thing in the morning when she wants to get up.
I walk over and look at Evvie’s picture. “That’s gorgeous, baby.” I squat down beside her and kiss her cheek.
“Thanks, Dada, I’m gonna have Daddy hang it up,” she tells me matter-of-factly.
“He’d like that, Evvie,” I assure her.
This is something else that is new in our lives. Evvie has dropped the ‘Justin’ from Daddy Justin. I don’t know how to feel about that, but actually, come to think of it, Leighton has done the same thing with me. I’m not, ‘Dada Brian’ any longer, I’m just Daddy. I suppose Justin and I should talk about that with the therapist too, I don’t know if that’s just a part of grieving, adaption or what.
Audrey, her first word was clearly Daddy. Justin and I sort of queened-out after it happened. Then, she started calling me Da and has progressed to Dada. We show her pictures of Griffin and point to him and have been trying to teach her to say ‘Papa’ when she sees them, but still we have no luck.
I thought I knew how hard it would be, I thought I’d semi- prepared myself for what would happen once Griff was gone, but I hadn’t. Not one fucking bit. I still ache for him, for his presence every single day. This is why I’m so confused about my relationship with Justin.
There are still days that I resent Justin, I know it’s wrong but I do. There are days that I honestly want to just kill myself, because let’s face it, I killed him, didn’t I? It feels like every day I let longer and longer time lapse without thinking about him and I hate myself for it. But at the same time, I also am happy about it. I probably need to see a therapist too.
Now, with Justin pregnant, there is so much more going on that I’m going to have to face. I don’t even know where to start with fixing things with him. I don’t know if it’s his emotions that make him turn on me at times, or if it’s because he remembers what I did to him and hates me for it. I used to be all about no regrets. Nevertheless, I’m here to tell you for certain. I regret. I regret. I regret. I fucking damn well regret more than any man should be allowed to.
“Are you thinkin’ bout what it means?” Evvie asks me, bringing me out of my thoughts.
I laugh when I realize what she’s asking. Justin definitely taught her this. I look at her picture of colorful ballerinas lined up on a stage. “I think it means the artist is happy and can’t wait for her dance class tomorrow.”
She looks at me, her face alight with a huge grin, and bright wide eyes. “You’re right, Dada!”
“I know, my little girl,” I tell her. “Evvie, can you do me a favor and keep an eye on your sister for a little bit? I’m going to go upstairs and talk to Justin.”
“Sure,” she says, puffing her chest out, proud that I asked for her help.
“Okay, if you need anything or she starts crying just come up stairs and get me okay?”
“Okay,” she agrees and goes back to coloring the ballerinas’ shoes.
I take another look at Audrey and make sure she’s happy playing with her plastic keys before heading upstairs. I grab Leighton’s Leapster off the shelf in the playroom and make sure he’s all set up and then head toward the master bathroom.
A few days after Justin and I found out he was pregnant; I finally decided that I needed to clear the whole house out. I left some things of Griffin’s around the house, but for the most part, I boxed up Griffin’s keepsakes and put them in the attic. The bedroom we used downstairs is now a library. It looks nothing like it did before. I needed the change. I needed to make it mine again and Justin also had a lot of input on the changes in the house.
I also, finally moved into the upstairs master bedroom and out of the guest room. I’d designed it to my tastes so long ago. Griffin never liked it and he never slept in it. It’s surprising how well I actually sleep in there.
Justin showers or bathes in the mornings in the master bathroom. I didn’t have the other bathrooms redesigned. But I knew that Justin would love to take advantage of the huge sunk-in bathtub and gorgeous shower.
He’s pregnant and I want to do everything I can to make sure he’s comfortable. We’ve got so much stress to deal with every day; I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified for him. He’s healthy and medically everything is fine, but I’m still so fucking scared that I’m going to lose him too.
“Justin, can I come in?” I ask, knocking on the bathroom door.
“Yeah,” he gasps out, his voice hoarse.
I step inside the bathroom, then close and lock the door behind me. Justin is crouched on his hands and knees and spitting into the toilet. “You okay?” I kneel down behind his wet naked body. It looks like he was in the process of taking a shower when he got sick, there’s a trail of puddles from the glass shower to here, now soaking my jeans.
He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and leans against me. “Where are the kids?”
“Evvie’s coloring while keeping an eye on Audrey. Leighton finished cleaning his room so he’s playing with the Leapster. Are you all right?” I run my hands up and down his cold arms. “You’re freezing.”
He nods his head and sighs. “I haven’t even thrown up at this point, I wish I could, but it’s just been queasiness and dry heaves.”
“Griffin hardly ever had morning…”
“Brian, don’t,” he interrupts me.
“What?”
He turns his head and looks into my eyes. “I’m not Griffin. I know you miss him. I miss him. But, you have got to stop comparing my pregnancy with his, okay? This is my pregnancy and our baby.”
“Okay,” I reply.
He moves around and sits his plump ass on the bath mat and draws his legs up to his chest and rests his head against my torso. As I look down at his body in this position I can see more clearly the evidence that Justin is pregnant. His stomach is round and already there are small stretch marks running lengthwise down from his belly button. A few of them are from his pregnancy with Leighton.
I’m just about to tell him about what Leighton said when I hear him sniffle and see his eyes are closed and tears are falling from the corners. “Why are you crying, Justin?”
“Don’t worry,” is all he says in a quiet whisper. He keeps his eyes closed tightly and he’s biting on his lip almost hard enough to make it bleed.
“Open your eyes and look at me, Justin.”
He complies and tilts his head back so he’s looking up at me. “Please just go okay?”
“What the fuck is the matter, Justin?” I say this in soft tone of voice, letting him hear the worry I have for him, hanging on the edge of each word I speak.
He brings his hands up and catches mine, stopping their movement on his shoulders. “I’m sorry.”
“What are you sorry for?”
“I’m sorry because I want you to hold me. I want you to touch me. Brian, I…” he trails off, and he doesn’t have to say it, I can see it in his glassy dark blue eyes.
I thread my fingers through one of his hands as my body starts to shake from the inside. I take his other hand in mine and move it so that his fingertips rest against my cheek. “You don’t have to be sorry,” I whisper. I’ll never forget the way I treated Griffin at the end. I know he felt my distance even when I had him wrapped in my arms. “It’s okay Justin.” I won’t let Justin feel like that. I know that Justin felt so vulnerable when he was pregnant with Leighton and Griff always wanted to be touched, to be made love to when he was pregnant. Griffin needed the reassurance that Justin, sadly never got with his first pregnancy and I won’t let that happen to him again. He deserved better from me, from us then, and he deserves better now.
“I swear it is,” my words confuse him and make his hands go rigid in mine. “Sunshine, it’s okay if you want that,” I murmur reassuringly. I kiss his fingers and then I start to lick them, holding his hand and directing all movement as his eyelids flutter.
“Brian,” he whimpers.
I lean back against the bathroom wall and spread my legs so he’s sitting in between me. “I know that you need it.” I move our hands down to his chest and manipulate him to start to pinch one of his nipples while I play with his other one, making him gasp and squeeze my other hand tightly. “I want to be here for you, Justin.”
I move our other hands down to his erection; his head falls forward as I start to nibble on his neck at the same time as I wrap our hands around his cock. He’s so responsive right away, his pre-come is enough to lube our fists as we play with his dick, stroking it in fast movements.
“Brian…” he moans my name in a whisper that prompts me to whisper his name into his ear as I lick and bite at it.
His body wiggles in my lap, his ass grinding back and forth against my jeans. My dick is hard but this isn’t about me, it’s about him. Justin’s mouth hangs open and he starts to pant in short quick gasps, little whines escaping every now and then, his head now back on my shoulder, rolling back and forth against me as we work to bring him to orgasm.
I’ve moved my mouth to his cheek, continuing to pinch his nipple and watching through my own, heavy-lidded gaze as he twists his other one between his thumb and forefinger. He’s fucking beautiful. I’ve never seen Justin like this… no… that’s not right. I have seen him like this. Years ago, when Justin lost his virginity, he was this beautiful, this lost but encompassed by me. “Come on,” I urge him. “Let yourself go, Sunshine. Come for me,” I whisper harshly, craning my neck so that I can capture his lips into my kiss. I taste the insides of his mouth with my tongue, his want for me, transfers into my body from our kiss.
I feel his body shake, seize and tremble and he groans his excitement into my mouth, his eyes snapping open as his dick pulses and starts to shoot out the first jets of come from his penis, coating our rapidly moving hands. I twirl my tongue along his as he jerks with pleasure, so much so that I realize, as our mouths separate and our breathing starts to normalize, I’ve come in my pants. Fuck! I guess I needed it as much as he did.
***
Tuesday, April 20th 1982
3rd Person P.O.V.
“The Ferry boat ride was really cool!” Brian shouted and hopped up onto the platform.
“It was!” Justin agreed, in excitement.
“This is the bestest birthday I ever had, Mrs. Taylor,” Brian told Jennifer.
Jennifer smiled at Brian as she strapped Molly into her stroller. “You haven’t even seen the Magic Kingdom yet,” she replied and laughed.
“You can call us Craig and Jennifer,” Craig said to the boy.
Brian nodded. Sometimes, he told the kids at school that Jennifer was his Mom and Justin and Molly were his brother and sister. They’d never seen his ‘real’ parents and Brian liked that Jennifer and Craig always came to all the events at his school. The other kids had started to treat Brian better now that he had clothes that fit him, he didn’t smell and wasn’t too sore to play at recess. They were also, very jealous and envious when Brian told his class that he was going on vacation to Disney World for his 10th birthday.
Brian held Justin’s hand as the family walked into the Magic Kingdom. “Wow!”
Justin jumped up and down. “I wanna ride on Dumbo!”
“It’s Brian’s birthday,” Craig told his son. “I think he gets to pick the first ride.”
“I do?” Brian asked.
“Of course, Brian,” Jennifer answered. “But first we have to buy some Mickey Mouse club hats.” She pointed over to a vendor and pushed the stroller toward it.
“So what ride are you gonna pick?” Justin asked, pouting.
“I think I wanna ride Dumbo too,” Brian said. The Dumbo ride was all Justin had talked about when they’d found out they were going on vacation to Disney World. Brian didn’t like to see Justin pouting.
“You’re a good boy, Brian,” Craig said, ruffling the boy’s hair.
Brian had still not gotten used to hearing that, especially from a man. But Jennifer had promised him that good little boys and girls were the only ones that got to go to Disney World. As he looked down Main Street at the large, beautiful castle, and the magical world around him, he smiled and for the first time realized that maybe his real parents had been wrong. He was a good little boy.