Point of View
Chapter Seven: “English Fire”
Monday, July 2nd 2007
Justin’s P.O.V.
World news
World news
World news
Well you said
Let’s be free
Well you said
I’ll be me
I’ll be me
Death row hearts
Are hard to mend
Why shoot myself
For your sins
For your sins.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!
“Justin? Is something wrong?” Cynthia asks me as I breeze past her.
I stop for a moment. “No, uhm.. I don’t know. Is Brian in his office?” I ask quickly.
“Yes, but he’s expecting a call from…”
“Okay,” I reply and continue walking toward his office. I don’t care whom he’s expecting a call from. I need to see him now!
“Brian!” I shout, storming into his office, slamming and locking the door behind me.
“What’s wrong?” he gasps, standing up from his desk. “Where are the kids?” he says, practically running over to me.
“The kids are fine,” I assure him. Shit. Maybe I should’ve thought my entrance through a little better.
“What is it?” He looks into my eyes and puts his hands on my waist. “Is something wrong with the baby?”
I step away from him and practically collapse on his couch. “Where’s Audrey?” I wonder aloud, looking over at the empty playpen in the corner.
“She’s with Daphne today, remember? She was taking the kids to the zoo?”
“Fuck! I can’t believe I forgot that,” I mutter, wiping the sweat form my forehead and throwing the folder onto the table in front of us.
“Tell me what the fuck is going on,” he growls, sitting beside me. He grabs my hand and speaks in a soft voice, “You’re scaring me, Justin.”
“I’m sorry,” I say leaning forward. I grab the folder and hand it to him.
“You went to the doctor?” he asks after opening the item. “I thought you didn’t have to go back until…” His eyes widen as he grabs the picture out of the pocket. “Holy shit!”
“I thought there was something wrong with me. I gained four inches and six pounds in two weeks. I didn’t want to worry you if it was nothing,” I explain.
He nods his head, staring at the picture, his hands shaking while he holds it. “Baby A and Baby B,” he reads aloud.
“Yeah,” I groan. “Two, we’re having twins.”
“Are they healthy?” he asks, turning toward me, his eyes glowing with tears.
“Dr. Landon said they’re perfect.”
“Why didn’t we see them before? Why did he miss it?”
“One of the reasons is because they are identical and even share the same sac. And their hearts beat at exactly the same rhythm. Look at the other picture in there from our first ultrasound and compare it.”
He holds both side by side and I can tell by his expression that he immediately understands. “It was hiding behind the baby,” he states, seeing the slight blur behind the first baby.
“Yeah,” I agree. “There’s no way he could’ve seen it or heard it. His machine isn’t 3D so we only saw what the babies wanted us to see.”
“I guess not,” Brian says, sounding much more relaxed. He puts the pictures back in the folder and places it onto the table and then turns back to face me. “How do you feel?”
“I’m tired, but the babies are okay,” I assure him.
He takes my hand and slides closer to me. “No, that’s not what I meant,” he says quietly. ”How do you feel emotionally?”
I try not to laugh and must bite my lip. I never expected those words to come out of his mouth! “I feel like I’m never going to have another kid, after this. I’ll probably never get my body back and I’ll be raising kids until I’m fifty,” I say honestly. “That’s why I’m going to have them make it so I can’t have anymore after them. I’m getting too old.”
“You’re only thirty-two,” he laughs. “But if you want to do that, it’s up to you. I’m fine with whatever you think is best for your future.”
“Brian, I was never meant to be a father. No matter how much I love Leighton and these babies,” I pause and put our hands on my stomach, “they’re accidents.”
He blinks rapidly and a few tears fall from his eyes when he holds them shut. “Don’t ever say that again,” he whispers. “They’re wanted.”
“Yes, they are now.” I move the hand I’m not holding against my stomach up to his face and touch his cheek. “But it’s true. I was never meant to have children.”
“You were meant to be a dad, Justin. I clearly remember how good you were with Molly when she was a kid.”
“Yeah, look out she turned out,” I complain. “She’s a self-absorbed bitch. She’s seen Leighton a handful of times, never calls mom and does whatever my Dad tells her to do.”
“Stop with the self-pity,” he jokes and brushes my hand off his face. “I was talking about how good you were with her when she was little. And do you remember that baby doll I gave you?”
“Toby,” I groan in embarrassment and put my hands over my face. “I can’t believe you remember that doll.”
“Didn’t you give it to Leighton?” he asks.
“Yeah, I didn’t think you recognized him. Leighton calls him To-To because when he was little he couldn’t say his b’s,” I explain.
“I remember that. He called me ‘Myan.”
“I think he was saying ‘my Brian’ and put the words together,” I suggest.
“And now, he calls me Dad,” Brian says in a pleased voice.
“How did we even get on this subject?” I ask. I don’t like thinking about those days when Brian and I were still so close. It hurts too much.
“Because I was trying to tell you how I knew you’d make a great Dad.”
“Oh, well, never mind,” I groan.
“Shut up and listen to me, Justin. You carried that doll around for years. You gave it three meals a day, burped it, rocked it, changed it, and tucked him in at night. It was really cute. You were so devoted to him. And that was your personality, always taking care of people. And you told me all the time that you were going to have a lot of kids. So, who cares if they weren’t planned, Justin. It doesn’t make you love them any less, does it?”
“No, of course not,” I swear.
“And I’m sure that Evelyn and Audrey were far from any plans in your life. But I don’t think it was an accident that you are a father to them, too. I think it was chance. Or fate, something like that… but surely it was no accident, Justin.”
“Chance? Fate?” I lean forward and look into Brian’s eyes. “Who are you?”
Brian grins at me and leans his face closer to mine. Our lips brush as he speaks, “I’m the father of your children, Justin. I love you.”
I jump away from him the moment my mind registers his words. “Don’t say that to me, Brian. You don’t… you don’t love me.”
“I do,” he responds. “I’ve always loved you, Justin. I just don’t know if I’m ready to move on after…”
“Now isn’t the time to talk about us having a future together,” I interrupt him. I don’t want to hear him talk about a maybe that may never happen. I’m staying here, with Brian because of the children. They are my first priority and whatever I feel for Brian can’t interfere with my decisions.
“Even if we were, just friends, I’d still love you,” he reiterates, coming closer to me again. “We’re going to have to talk about the future, even if we’re scared to. We need to talk about what happened on Saturday.”
“We’re not going to discuss that. It was a mistake.” I put my hand on his chest to push him backward on the couch but I feel his heart beating exceedingly fast under my palm. “I’m not scared.”
“You’re more terrified about it than I am,” he remarks, sitting back on his side of the sofa. “But we have to think of the kids.”
“They have nothing to do with you and me, Brian,” I grit out through clenched teeth. “Our relationship as anything more than friends has nothing to do with us being their parents. I have thought about the kids, that’s why I’m living with you!”
“Why are you getting so fucking pissed off?” he gripes.
I sigh and shake my head at his stupidity. “You don’t love me. You’re not over Griffin in the slightest, Brian. I’m not going to entertain the thought of ‘us’ being… whatever it is you think we’ll be, until you are. Which, honestly, I doubt you ever will.”
“You’re wrong, Justin,” he remarks, glaring at me. “It isn’t about me getting over Griffin. I’m never going to be ‘over’ his death, or the love we shared. It’s about taking a chance and moving on from the past. For me, that’s Griffin, but I don’t know what past you have to move on from, Justin.”
I feel like I want to hit him. How could he not understand what I have to move on from? It isn’t easy to move on from years of mistreatment and torment! I can’t look at him. I don’t even want to be in the same room with him. “You’re an idiot, Brian,” I hiss, standing up.
“Don’t run away from me, Justin,” he pleads, blocking my path to door as I walk to it.
“You need to move. Now. Or, I won’t be responsible for what I do to you,” I warn.
“Fine,” he resigns, stepping to the side. “Leave. It’s what you do best, isn’t it?”
“Asshole!” I scream and raise my hand to hit him, but he catches it and turns me around, pressing me up against the door.
“You promised you’d never hit me,” he growls. “Don’t you remember you promised me that?”
I push at his shoulders but he doesn’t move. “Get away from me, Brian,” I hiss. “That was a stupid, bullshit promise I made to you that meant as little as all the ones you made to me.” I slide out away from him and jerk the door open, hitting him in the foot as I do. “I’ll see you at my Mom’s after work,” I say, walking out.
“Why?” he calls after me.
“Because we’re going to tell her, today,” I call over my shoulder.
“Justin,” Cynthia tries to stop me as I walk past her. “You don’t look good. Are you okay?”
I nod my head, wipe at my eyes, and continue my path out of Kinnetik. The sun is shining but all I feel is darkness.
***
Saturday, January 25th 1997
Griffin’s Point Of View
All my love
All my love
All my love
All my love
Well you said
Reattribute
reattribute
Well you said
Substitute
substitute
“I’m so happy.”
“Me too,” Justin replies, but his forced smile tells me otherwise.
“What’s the matter?” I ask, whispering into ear as we continue to dance.
He kisses my cheek and then looks me in the eyes, his smile easier. “It’s just been a really big, long day.”
“Do you want to sit down?”
“We have to at least finish our first dance as a married couple,” he informs me.
I nod and clumsily slide my feet on the dance floor. I’m a horrible dancer. Justin is leading this whole thing. I’m glad that the song I chose is a relatively short instrumental piece; I can’t keep up with him for too much longer.
A round of applause roars as we finish the song. We bow accordingly, which let’s face it, they were probably all clapping for Justin’s talent and glad to see the lack of mine come to an end. We start to walk off the dance floor as an unfamiliar song starts to play and other couples step into the dance area to crowd in around us.
“Can I cut in?”
“Sure,” Justin says, stepping away from me and ushering Brian to take his place.
Brian looks back and forth between us. He smirks at Justin. “You don’t think I’d want to dance with the man who has two left feet, do you?”
“Hey…” I protest. However, honestly, I know by experience that I can’t hold my own on the dance floor with either of them.
Justin grabs my hand. “I loved our dance, Griffin,” he says dramatically.
“Go ahead,” I tell them. I look up at Brian and say, “Take care of him.”
Brian laughs and takes Justin’s hand and they walk toward the center of the throngs of couples.
I grab a drink from the bar and go to sit beside Jennifer. “Hello Mom,” I joke.
I’m not sure she hears me so I open my mouth to say it again and then stop. She has tears in her eyes and I see her stare focused on Brian and Justin. I take a quick glance and see that everyone on the floor has dissipated and they’re the only ones dancing, with every eye in the place watching.
“Griffin,” Jennifer gasps out, noticing me beside her. Her face flushes. “Sorry… it’s just I’ve never seen them dance like that.”
I have. This is a regular sight at Babylon. Different moves of course, but I’ve seen it many times before. There was a time that I was a little jealous of it, but not anymore. Justin is my husband, he loves me and I know that Brian loves the both of us and wants us to be happy. He’d never do anything to interfere with our relationship…our marriage!
Wow, just a few months ago I thought that Justin wouldn’t even want to try to have a relationship with me, but now we’re married and we’re going to have a family too.
Growing up in the foster care system was pretty horrible and because of that, I always imagined having a real family. Even though Justin getting pregnant was an accident, it was a blessing to me. I’m going to get the family I always wanted.
I’m going to have to work harder at my career. As much as I’d like to join Brian at his Ad Agency, I want to be able to support Justin and my child on my own. He relies too much on Brian, he always has. In a way, I can understand that but I wouldn’t feel comfortable with having our income come primarily from Brian’s good fortune. Even if it means we have to sacrifice a little of our dreams and have a strict budget, I at least want to try to do it on our own.
The crowd lets out a surprised gasp and I turn my attention back to my husband and friend. Brian is spinning Justin around and they’re both smiling. They look so happy and…
“How can you let them do that, Griff?”
I look up beside me and see Julian, Brian and Justin’s old roommate. I’m still not sure why Justin insisted on inviting him here today. I always got the feeling that he didn’t like me. Brian and Justin swear it isn’t true. But, I can’t help but think it is. I stand up and start to walk back toward the bar. I guess I really needed that drink.
“You’d think they were the newly-weds,” he whispers conspiratorially into my ear as I pass him.
I turn to him and roll my eyes, not looking out on the dance floor. “Shut up. They’re best friends; they’ve always been like that.”
He laughs at me. “That isn’t how best friends dance.”
I glance at Brian and Justin and yeah, I’ll admit that the dance seems intimate. Nevertheless, that’s just them. They always have that way about them. I’ve learned to live with it; anyone who loves them has to. “Like I said, they’re best friends. That’s all it is, that’s all it’ll ever be, that’s all they ever have been.”
“Since when?”
I roll my eyes at him.
“Do you mean to tell me the two of them still don’t admit to fucking one another wild that night of my anniversary party?”
Okay. I know this party. I went to it! It, Oh. No, I had to work. “What are you talking about?”
“They spent the whole first night locked in their hotel room. No one ever saw them go in or out until they came down for breakfast the next morning; acting as though nothing happened. Brenda and I figured they were just playing with us and didn’t want to give anyone the details when we asked about it. I mean, they were nearly fucking in the elevator up to their room. We were quite surprised when Brian told us you and Justin were together.”
“Well… maybe that’s because there weren’t any details for you to find out. Maybe you got it wrong,” I spit out at the little fucker. I’m not going to have someone ruin my wedding day.
He shrugs. “Chill, Griffin. Christ, I thought I was doing you a favor. Brian and Justin are my friends, but I think any man should know what they’re getting into with marriage.”
“Whatever,” I mumble walking away from him.
I go over to the bar, get myself another drink and take my seat next to Jennifer as the song ends.
“Is there a problem?” she asks hesitantly.
“No, he just doesn’t like me much.”
Jennifer frowns. “Well I’ve never cared for him. Just don’t let him ruin your day.”
I take a sip of my whiskey and shake my head at Jennifer, watching as Brian drags my husband off the dance floor. He’s smiling brightly now and his cheeks are a little flushed, that always makes me so hot. “Nothing could ruin today, Mom,” I reply.
***
Monday, July 2nd 2007
Justin’s P.O.V.
Burn myself)
Burn myself on your bed
Your crown of thorns
My crown of led
Ah, my crown of lead
“What the fuck is the matter with you two?” my mother shouts, causing both Brian and I to jump.
Okay. She’s taking this much worse than I thought she would. And, believe me. I’d imagined a terrible reaction.
“Mom, please.” I try to get up to find some way to calm her but Brian pulls me back to sit next to him.
“Don’t!” she growls at me in a tone I’ve seldom heard her use. Carding a hand through her blonde hair, she stops her pacing and let’s out a long deep breath and squeezes her eyes shut. When her eyes open, I see that they’re glassy with oncoming tears.
I feel my own start to well up too. Why can’t my being pregnant ever be a happy thing? Why do I get myself into these situations? Well, okay… so it’s not entirely my fault but…
“What are you planning on telling the kids?” My mother sits down on the coffee table in front of us and looks back and forth between Brian and me.
“I…” I don’t know. That’s the honest answer. But fuck if I want to admit that.
“What do you suggest we tell them, Jennifer?” Brian asks my mother. His voice is shaking but has an apologetic rumble to it that I’ve only heard my mother get out of him. However, that was when we were kids misbehaving. Somehow, though it feels like that again. We’re here in my mother’s living room, essentially telling her about a booboo we never should’ve gotten in the first place.
“Do you love him, Brian?” my mother asks, surprising me.
I’m about to interrupt her. I want to tell her that whatever Brian feels for me has nothing to do with the fuck up we’re in right now. But Brian’s voice stops me from speaking.
“He’s my best friend, Mom. Of course I love him.”
I can’t look at him right now. My heart twists inside my chest and I feel those tears wanting to stream, so I wipe my eyes and just continue to stare straight at my Mom. When did I become his best friend again? When have I become anything but his whore, his maid, his babysitter? Yes, I know that we’ve been getting along a little better and he has been catering to me, but I was sure that was all because of the pregnancy.
When did the inconvenience of our situation turn to him loving me again and sounding like he means it? When did it turn into me being his best friend? I know we were going to work on that even if I won’t entertain an ‘us’, but I don’t recall the moment it all changed and I wonder when it did for Brian. It has to be some misguided feelings about the babies or something.
Mom shakes her head back and forth. “I didn’t force him to marry Griffin when he got pregnant with Leighton,” she says in an eerie tone.
What the fuck does that have to do with anything?
“I know,” Brian huffs. “But that’s what you think we should do?”
What? “Fuck no!” I tell them. I look at Brian and he seems surprised. “I’m not going to marry someone who doesn’t love me. Not again. I can’t do it.” Suddenly I feel so sick to my stomach.
“He said he loves you,” my mom counters as though this fixes everything.
It fixes nothing and yet it means more than I want it to. More than it does to him.
“Griffin did love you,” Brian speaks softly.
Why the fuck is he saying that? I scream the question in my head. I lean back onto the couch, bury my face in my hands, and give into the emotions that leave me a crying wreck.
“We have to think about this, consider it,” Brian says calmly.
I love Brian and I have since the first second I saw him. But to have him be forced to marry me because my mother thinks it’s what we should do is not okay. That would be a torture that I couldn’t bear to live with! “Maybe I should just have the abortion,” I cry, my body shaking as the resolution hits me.
Brian puts his arm around me and I feel him moving my hands from face. I open my eyes and stare at him as he brushes my hair from my forehead and looks right into my eyes. He speaks firmly. “I want this, Justin. I told you before. I want our babies.”
“Babies?” my mother gasps.
We both turn to look at her and I nod my head at her. “Yeah.”
Brian puts his hand on my stomach. “We made twins.”
I wish that I didn’t like it so much when he touches me there. Fuck I wish I didn’t like it when he touches me anywhere. But he’s been doing this since we found out I was pregnant and worse since our first sonogram.
I’ll be doing some completely mundane task like standing in the kitchen making dinner and he’ll come up behind me and rest his palm there, stroke his thumb over my belly button and then move along. And the last three days have been even worse. Somehow, touching me, making me come, has given him some weird permission to touch me at will. At least a dozen times a day he makes some kind of contact with me that isn’t only a casual brush or feel.
Every single time he does it, my whole body starts to feel warm. I get tingles in the base of my spine, and this feeling of peace overcomes me. Like now, I just want to cuddle into his body, let the rest of the world fall away and pretend that there’s nothing wrong. I want to pretend like the fight we had in his office, never happened. I want to be ecstatic that I’m carrying Brian’s children inside me. I want to kiss him and thank him for helping me make them, for giving me what I’ve always wanted, long before I knew that I ever did, a baby, two babies, from him.
“Justin, hello? Are you listening to me?” My mother taps my knee and I clear myself out of my daydreams.
“Yeah, sorry.”
“He’s got those pregnancy daydreams already,” Brian chuckles.
I’m going to fucking kill him!
My mother smiles softly at me and her hand rubs my knee. “Are you okay, honey?”
“What were you saying?” I ask. I’d be lying to her if I said I was all right, and I know she doesn’t want to hear the truth. It’d only upset her more.
“I said that there’s no way you’re going to be able to logically explain this to Leighton or Evvie, not now or later when they’re grown up and you have to explain it to all your children.”
“I know,” I whisper. Fuck do I know that.
“They think that the way babies are made is when two people who love each other get married and decide to have a baby. You both told them that yourselves when you told them about Audrey coming along. You need to stop being so fucking selfish and think about them and what this pregnancy is going to do to them, what it means to them.”
“You make it sound as if we’ve deliberately set out to ruin their lives, Jennifer,” Brian pipes in, his voice tired and reluctant.
My mom nods. “I know you didn’t. But I think that the two of you have gotten so used to the way things worked…before…that you don’t understand why this situation you’ve gotten yourself into now, is different.”
“Mom, we’re not stupid. We know this is a huge….” I let the word mistake go unsaid. Because as much as I feel like in so many ways this pregnancy is one, I also don’t want to think that. I don’t want to think that way about my children. Not again. Nevertheless, I know that it is accident I wished didn’t happen on so many levels. This pregnancy is the most confusing thing ever to happen.
“Then you need to make it right,” she says. “The only way they’re going to understand any of this is if you get married and then tell them.”
“No. We’ll find another way,” I plead.
“Look, Justin, you’re living in a fantasy world, or something,” my mother speaks, annoyed.
“What?” This is no fucking fantasy I’ve ever come up with, that’s for sure.
She takes her hand from my knee, stands up and starts to pace again in front of the coffee table. “You guys have fucked each other over time and time again. I’ve been watching you obliterate one another for the last couple of years. You’re never honest with each other. While I supported both of your marriages to Griff, it didn’t mean that I didn’t believe they were wrong.”
Brian hops up from the couch. “I’m not going to listen to you say that, Jen. I can’t let you stand here and tell me that my marriage to Griffin was wrong! I loved him and he loved me and we had a family together.”
My mother walks up to Brian and looks him dead in the eyes. “You stole his family, Brian.”
Brian backs away from my mother. I can’t believe that she actually said that to him. All this time I thought my mom believed that Griffin and Brian were meant for each other. I’m not the only one who is surprised.
Brian presses his lips together and his face is pale. “I loved Griffin.”
“I know you did, but Brian, couldn’t you see that my son loved you?”
“Mom!” I stand up and walk over to Brian. “You don’t…”
“Stop lying, Justin.”
“Justin told me that he loved me… back then,” Brian confesses to her. “But I didn’t know.” He puts his arm around my waist and brings my shaking body against him. “If I would’ve known I never would have done what I did to him.”
I feel so tired, so dizzy, and my heart is beating so fast. I lean further against Brian.
“Justin!”
“What?”
***
Monday, January 1st 1990
12:06 a.m.
3rd Person P.O.V.
I wake up
I’ll wake up
Before i drown
before i drown
I’ll wake up
I wake up
Before i drown
“Happy New Year, Astin,” Justin spoke, breathlessly.
Astin traced his tongue along his bottom lip, savoring the flavor of Justin’s kiss. “Happy New Year, Justin,” he replied.
“I want you to be my first,” Justin spoke, grinning. He reached toward for the older boy and pushed him against the back of the couch, intending on straddling him.
Astin jumped up from the living room sofa. “Whoa… whoa…whoa!”
Justin looked up at the tall brunet, completely confused. “What’s wrong? I thought you wanted to. I know you’re not a virgin,” Justin huffed.
Astin sat back down beside Justin and steeled himself against the boy’s charm and the lust he could see in his deep blue eyes. “You’re right, I’m not a virgin. But, we’ve only been dating a couple of months,” he explained.
“So?” Justin shrugged, running his hand along Astin’s thigh.
“I promised Brian that I wouldn’t fuck you,” Astin chokes out, taking Justin’s hand away from him.
Justin felt a different kind of heat boil under his skin. He went from horny to pissed in a second flat. “You promised, Brian?” he sneered.
“He’s one of my closest friends, Justin. I had to, or he said I couldn’t date you.”
“So, you’re dating me because of Brian? What? Did you decide to take pity on poor little ole’ me?”
“No,” Astin gasps. “That isn’t how it is. I liked you, Justin, and I know how protective he is over you, so I knew I had to ask him how he’d feel about me dating you, before I asked you out.”
“And he said that you couldn’t fuck me? Jesus Christ! Did he dictate our first kiss too?”
Astin bit his lip and didn’t say a word to confirm or deny Justin’s assessment.
Justin leapt up from the couch. “He did!” he roared. “Well, I guess I’m glad I know now that Brian’s been dictating our whole relationship. It must mean so little to you.”
“That isn’t true,” Astin defends. “I care about you, Justin.”
“If you did, you wouldn’t have listened to him in the first place,” Justin sneers and points toward the front door. “I want you to leave,” he orders.
“Come on, Jus, don’t do this,” Astin pleads. “I’m sorry. I won’t listen to anything he has to say. We can go up to your room and…”
“Fuck you!” Justin roared. “I’m not going to fuck you, now. Just get out.”
“I really am sorry, Justin,” Astin says desperately. “Please forgive me.”
Justin sighs, “I can’t… not yet. I need to think.”
Astin reluctantly walked over to the door. “I’ll call you tomorrow. Okay?”
“Okay.” Justin nodded his head and turned away as the older boy shut the door behind him.
He took deep breaths to quell the majority of his anger and then bounded up the stairs to Brian’s room. He stopped short of barging in when he heard the sounds from inside Brian’s bedroom.
“Yeah, suck me, Mac,” he heard Brian encourage.
“I am,” Mac moaned back. “You taste so good.”
Justin fumed inside. He didn’t think it was very fair that Brian could ruin his New Year’s night of fucking and get to fuck around while Justin couldn’t. More so, he was livid that Brian had gone behind his back. If Brian would’ve asked Justin to wait to have sex, he probably would’ve listened to him.
“Oh, oh fuck. Mac, use your tongue,” Brian directed. “Yeah, right there. That is…”
Fuck that! If his night was ruined, than he’d ruin Brian’s too! Justin turned the handle on the door, he expected it to be locked but was surprised when it gave way and opened.
“So hot, Mac,” Brian groaned.
Justin walked inside the room, instantly fully aroused at the site before him. Brian sat on his bed with his boxers on, his cock sticking out from the fly, glistening wet. Mac was kneeling between his legs, holding onto the base of Brian’s dick and licking a long line up the shaft.
“Brian,” Justin mumbled.
“Justin!” Brian hissed, surprised.
Mac turned to look at Justin, embarrassment clouding his features for a moment and then suddenly fear.
“What the fuck is going on in here!” Craig roared, marching up behind Justin.
“Fuck!” Brian yelled.
“Shit!” Justin whispered, backing away from his father.
Mac scrambled to button his jeans and stand up.
“Get out!” Craig yelled at Mac. “Get out!”
Brian and Justin were both so shocked to see Craig and seconds later, Jennifer standing in Brian’s room, they barely noticed Mac running out.
***
July 2nd 2007
Brian’s P.O.V.
All my love
Oh my love
Lets be free)
All my love
Oh my love
Let’s be free
All my love, all my love…
“I’m sorry,” Justin’s voice is tired and gruff.
“I’m just glad you’re okay,” I tell him and run my hand down his cheek. “I don’t know what I would’ve done if...”
“Don’t,” he stops me from speaking and captures my hand. “I’m going to be fine. You heard the doctor. He said it was just stress coupled with me not having anything to eat. The babies are just fine.”
I should’ve been watching him more closely. “But now you have anemia,” I say regretfully.
“I’m going to eat right and take more vitamins, Brian. I’ll be okay.”
When did Justin being in the emergency room turn into me being the one that is being comforted?
“Justin,” Dr. Raleigh interrupts us, coming through the curtains. “I just need to go over some things with you, have you sign some papers and then you’ll be free to go.”
Justin sits up straighter in the bed. “Good. No offense, but I hate hospitals.”
The man smiles at him. “No one likes to be in the emergency room.”
***
Sunday January 25th 1998
Griffin’s P.O.V.
We’ll hang ourselves
By the English fire
We’ll hang ourselves
I don’t know what to do.
I thought that Justin would be happier once I took the job at Kinnetik. However, he isn’t. He has changed so much since he became a father. I know that statement seems normal, after all, I definitely changed. But, how we’ve changed is completely different.
He’s so protective of Leighton, way too protective. I’m his father too, I love him and would do anything for him, but Justin is going too far. He won’t let me take Leighton out of the apartment alone. When he was small, I understood, sort of. But Leighton is six months old and I’ve never spent any time alone with him. Justin insists on going with me, whenever I suggest having a ‘Papa and Son Day’. I know it isn’t because he doubts my parenting skills. It’s something deeper with him.
When we spend any time together, which is rare, I feel like he isn’t completely there with me. He talks, he smiles, but it doesn’t seem real.
I try to do everything I can to make him happy. I buy him little gifts when I can afford it. I write him love notes when I leave early for work or I’m going to be gone on business. I constantly praise him for being such a wonderful father. Nevertheless, none of it reaches him.
It’s as if he doesn’t care about anything but Leighton’s world. I’m beginning to think I’m not a part of that world. He’s forcing me out.
He rarely does anything artistic. I’ve tried to suggest that he get a job, I mean, Leighton is old enough to go into a daycare, but after that discussion last week, he didn’t speak to me for three days.
I just want him to focus on something other than our child. It doesn’t have to be work. Now that I’m working at Kinnetik and making a decent salary, we’re fine financially. But I want to see him create again. Art is a part of Justin! I’ve seen a few rare sketches he has drawn of Brian and Leighton when Brian used to come over on his lunch breaks and spend them with him. But now, Brian and I usually spend our breaks together, most of them, anyway.
I’ve asked Justin, repeatedly if he would like me to keep an eye on Leighton so he can go paint or draw, but he always refuses. He tells me that he wants to be with our son and me. He says that he doesn’t want to be alone, but I think he’s lying. I don’t know why. But I’m getting the feeling that Justin only says what he thinks I want to hear. He’s too accommodating, too passive, too involved with parenting.
However, tonight, our one-year marriage anniversary, he certainly wasn’t passive. He was more than aggressive in deciding what he wants. And, that isn’t me.
Leighton has his own crib in his nursery, but Justin insists on having him sleep in the pack and play beside our bed. He’ll lie him down in his nursery to take naps during the day, but at night, he wants him there in our room. For some time, I believed that it was because he nurses Leighton and it makes it easier for him to have our son close.
But tonight, when our son was fast asleep, I tried to initiate some touching and hopefully sex with Justin, but he freaked out and told me we couldn’t do it with Leighton in the same room. I tried to get him to go into the living room with me. I know the pullout sofa isn’t that comfortable, but I understood that he didn’t want to move Leighton, he wakes up easily and if we got ‘hot and heavy’ we might awaken him.
Justin made excuse after excuse about why he couldn’t leave Leighton alone in the room. He deflected every attempt I made to assure him that our son would be fine. I even plugged in the baby monitor but then he accused me of being uncaring. He explained that he would have to be the one to wake with Leighton in three hours and he needed to get as much sleep as he could. I told him that I’d wake up so he could sleep. Brian let me take the day off tomorrow so sleeping wouldn’t be an issue. I know how to heat up the milk he keeps in the freezer. But he refused, saying those were for emergencies. I gave up trying after that. If I were a different kind of man I might be jealous of the attention my son gets from my husband.
But I’m realizing that Justin’s weird behavior isn’t only because of Leighton, it is because of me. I don’t think he loves me. I’m not sure he ever did.