Point of View

Chapter 9:  “The People That We Love”

Tuesday, July 3rd 2007

Justin’s P.O.V.

Speed kills coming down the mountain

Speed kills coming down the street

Speed kills with presence of mind and

Speed kills if you know what i mean

Got to feel - woke up inside again

“Brian,” I grasp his hand and look directly in his eyes, as I speak, “you don’t love me. Not the way I want you to. You may think you’ve got it all figured out now, but you don’t. You’re still in love with Griffin. What happened yesterday was that you got scared. You think you’ll lose me if you don’t tell me what you think I want to hear.”

“You said you loved Griff,” he says, his eyes clouding from bright greenish-blue to dark brown. “But you were in love with me. Right?”

“That isn’t the same thing. Griffin didn’t…” Shit. I hang my head as the enormity of the word hangs between us.

“Griffin didn’t die, when you were married to him,” he croaks, tilting my chin up so I meet his eyes again. “That’s what you were going to say. Isn’t it?”

“Yes,” I admit in a whisper that does nothing to alleviate the impact of my revealed inner thoughts.

“But that’s exactly it, Justin. Griffin died. Seven months ago. No matter how much it hurts me, or how hard I still love him, he’s not going to come back to me, and he doesn’t have my heart. Because mine is still beating and I’m still alive. Christ Justin, if I hadn’t met you, if you hadn’t saved me a hundred times since I’ve known you, I may not be. And I don’t want to live like the walking wounded.”

“You were never into pity,” I supply lamely. I have to dampen the significance of what he’s saying or I will give into the impulse I have to go against my sober better judgment and allow his words to bend my thinking.

“Don’t mock me, Justin,” he warns. “I know I deserve your apprehension, fears and distrust, but please don’t sneer at my confession. You know that I… I have a hard time talking about this and you have to know that I wouldn’t say what I have to you if I hadn’t thought it over a million times.”

“I’m not mocking you,” I defend. “I just don’t know how to react to this or what to say, Brian. I always wanted you to tell me what you’re admitting to now. But,” I laugh nervously, “It’s a little hard to believe that suddenly, what I’ve wanted could be mine. I’m afraid that it isn’t real and I want to be happy, but I’ve learned to be happy without you because for years now, you’ve made me miserable.”

Brian states simply, “I know.” He gives me an understanding smile as he tilts his head so our foreheads rest together and the only place we can look is in one another’s eyes.

It’s entirely too unbelievably Brian. The Brian I fell in love with as a little boy and never stopped loving. However, I was under the impression that Brian wasn’t ever going to return to me. “You really think that you’ve always loved me?” I whisper, my lips a hairsbreadth away from his own.

“Constantly,” he breathes the word out and his air invades my slightly open mouth. “I failed you here, Justin,” he speaks and moves our hands to touch the side of his head. “But here,” he says, moving them to rest his heart, “without fail.”

I feel… Fuck! I can’t analyze shit right now. My brain is shutting down, all common sense is blocked and I have no power over my want for him, for what he says to be the truth.

“Believe me,” he begs, pinning my hand under his so I can feel his strong, quick beat under his toned chest.

Got to feel less broke more fixed

Got to feel when I got outside myself

Got to feel when I touched your lips

I’ve never kissed Brian’s mouth in anyway that is comparable as to the slow, needy, exploratory kiss I’ve locked us in now. His nose gently bumps mine with every twist of our lips. My tongue is almost numb as its nerves and taste buds try to compute to my brain the exquisite pleasure I experience with every drop of spit, ridge of tooth and soft lip it encounters in Brian’s mouth.  My stomach growls, loud enough for him to hear. I don’t want to stop devouring him. I’ve only gotten started, however I feel him stiffen when the noise overtakes the sound of our bated breaths and loud groaning.

“Justin,” he sighs my name into my mouth. His hands cup my cheeks and he glides his fingers between our mouths to separate us.

I keep my eyes closed to hold onto the sensation of us a little while longer. Our lips disconnect but I capture one of his thumbs in my mouth and suck on the tip of it, tasting his salty warm skin.

“Oh, god… Sunshine, please,” he groans.

I smile around his finger and hold his thumb in place as I open my eyes and stare at him. I take a long lick, feeling the slight wrinkles on the knuckle and coat them in my spit.

“You’re evil,” he declares, brushing his other fingers under my chin.

My stomach begs for food again and I drop his thumb reluctantly and smile in a way I know I haven’t in years. “I’m sweet.”

Brian runs one of his hands through my messy hair and nods his head. “I’ve never tasted sweeter,” he groans, adjusting his cock with his other hand.

***

Friday April 30th 1999

3rd Person P.O.V.

The things we do to the people that we love

The way we break if there’s something we can’t take

Destroy the world that we took so long to make  

“Daphne?” Justin asked in surprise, seeing his friend on his doorstep. He rubbed his bleary, drunken eyes with the backs of his hands. “What are you doing here?”

“You gonna let me in?” the young woman asked, tapping her foot on the concrete walkway outside the apartment.

“Uh… yeah,” Justin said in a suspicious tone, backing away from the door.

Daphne shut and locked the door behind her. She turned and found Justin pouring what was obviously not his first drink, into a chipped green shot glass. The fifth of tequila in his wobbling hand was a quarter gone. She was almost sure that Justin hadn’t had a drink since he found out he was pregnant with Leighton and figured that the amount he’d already drank was probably enough.

“You want one?” Justin offered, lifting the glass in the air, drops of alcohol sliding down the side as he brought it to his lips.

Daphne tried to keep her disapproval hidden as she spoke, “Your mom called me. She said you’d probably need a friend tonight.”

Justin shrugged. “Nice of her to suddenly care about me, I guess.”

Daphne walked over to Justin and pulled the bottle out of his hands. “She was right, you need me. You can’t sit here and get drunk, Justin.”

“Why not?” he asked, seriously having no idea why it sounded like a bad idea to his friend.

Daphne rolled her eyes. “You’re not supposed to be drinking while you’re nursing, for one,” she couldn’t help but chastise him. “It’s completely irresponsible!”

“I’m not,” Justin said, grabbing the bottle back, this time he took sip from the source.

“What are you talking about? That’s not apple juice in that bottle, Jus. I’m not an idiot.”

“Yeah, I know,” Justin said as he laughed sarcastically. “I meant that I’s not nursin’.”

“I thought you wanted to do that until he was at least two years old. Did you change your mind?” Daphne asked.

“It’ll be too hard ttto do it now,” Justin explained walking over to the desk in the living room. He took out a packet of papers from the manila envelope sitting on top of it and handed them to Daphne. “That’s the new visitin’ sched… scheules and custody agreement. Griff gets him every Thursday, Friiiday, n Satarday,” he slurred. “I’ll be dried up!”

Daphne gave Justin a compassionate look and took the liquor bottle away from his waving hands. “You and I both know that isn’t true. You can fre…”

“That isn’t the point!” Justin yelled, interrupting his friend. “He’s takin’ him away from me! I won’t get to hold him and rock him to sleep every ssssingle night. They’ll give him a fuckin’ bottle all the time and he won’t want me no more. I’ve heard stories, Daphne; ya lose your bond with your child, it’s what happens if your kid gets a bbbottle too much and he’ll be getting one for days ssstraight. An’ Griffindoesn’t care! I promised him that he could have him over night after he turned two. But he couldn’t wait a couple months,” Justin cried out. He was emotionally exhausted and the intake of alcohol paired with his feelings caused his knees to shake, prompting him to collapse backward onto the couch. “He…he hates me and he’s taking it out on Leighton. But it’s all my fucking fault. I never should’ve married him.”

Daphne put her arm around Justin and ran her hand through his hair. “First of all, I agree, you shouldn’t have married him, but that’s a whole different story. Honestly, Justin in this situation I may have been worse if hadn’t though. You would’ve had to split Leighton between you two this whole time.”

“I can hardly stand leaving him for a couple of hours. How am I going to be alone, without him, every single night Griffin has him?” he asked in desperation. “I thought I was finally getting over my dep…” Justin stopped his words short. Even in his inebriated state, he still could not bare to confess the truth to his friend. He was ashamed of himself for not being strong enough to fight the post-partum depression and he believed that everyone else would think he was crazy.

“You thought you were finally getting over what?” Daphne wondered.

“I thought I was finally getting over Brian,” he lied.

Daphne sighed deeply, feeling helpless and wanting nothing more than to do something to make Justin’s life better. “Justin, I don’t think that’s ever going to happen. Not unless you really want to get over him. But I don’t think you do, if you did, you’d tell him the truth.”

Justin told Daphne much about how he felt about Brian. Throughout high school, their main topic was usually Brian. It had been Daphne that had alerted Justin to his lust. It took Justin time to admit his fawning but when he did, she couldn’t get him to stop. They would convey to one another their fantasies on a daily basis, hers of Billy Houser and his of Brian. That is, until things he only thought of in fantasy actually took place.

Then, Justin began leaving out much of the details of the time he spent with Brian. He denied ever sleeping with him when she asked; and as for his so-called cheating, Daphne was under the same impression that he’d given Griffin and his mother. He lied and told her that he’d been sleeping with one of the single fathers from the parent-group he attended. He’d rather they think he was a cheater than a lunatic who might be unable to care for Leighton due to his severe depression and mass mood shifts. He couldn’t take the risk of telling anyone the truth about it, though he himself knew that the only time he didn’t feel depressed or crazy was when he had Leighton in his arms.

“I want to get over him,” Justin said passionately. “I wish I…. I wish I never loved him,” his words sounded weaker than he wanted them to sound. This only made the desperation he felt to mean the words even more intense. “I hate him.”

“I know you don’t want to hear this, Justin. But…”

Justin crinkled his nose at Daphne and interrupted her, “Do me a favor then, and save it for when I’m sober.” He was already too absorbed in the reality of his life. He didn’t want anymore truths, he wanted escape.

We expect her gone for some time

I wish her safe from harm

To find yourself in a foreign land

Another refugee outsider refugee

***

Tuesday July 3rd 2007

Brian’s P.O.V.

How’s it feel she’s coming up roses

How’s it feel she’s coming up sweet

“Come in,” Jennifer says, ushering me inside the Condo. “Oh, Justin,” she gasps, seeing him behind me. “I didn’t know you were coming into town too.”

I smile and nod. “We had some things to take care of.”

She looks at us both wearily as I shut the door behind me. “Should you be out today? I thought you were supposed to be resting.”

“I’ve been making sure he eats and rests,” I assure her, giving her a hug.

“Yup!” Justin says happily. “Brian’s taken good care of me.” He gives Jennifer a forceful hug, practically bouncing on his tiptoes with excitement. “Where are the kids?”

“Evvie and Leighton are in the guest bedroom watching cartoons. Audrey is in her swing in the living room,” she answers, walking toward the staircase. “I’ll call them down.”

“No,” I stop her, walking into the living room. “We need to talk to you.”

“Dada!” Audrey squeals, spotting Justin walk in the room behind me.

Justin’s face lights up brighter than it already is. “There’s my baby girl,” he coos, walking over to the swing.

“You both seem…” Jennifer glances between us searching for the right word.

I’m sure she’s probably trying to figure out why we’re both acting so happy, it’s been so foreign to her, seeing us this way. That in itself is sad. “Happy?” I supply.

Justin gathers Audrey in his arms and kisses her fat cheek. “Yes, happy,” he stage whispers into her ear, making her laugh.

I walk over, put my arm around his waist as I kiss my daughter’s nose, and can’t resist, softly kissing Justin’s lips.

Jennifer gasps and I turn to her. She looks like she’s just seen a ghost. Slowly she walks over to couch, staring at Justin and me as she does. “What is going on?” she whispers.

I gently shove Justin forward so he’ll sit down on the couch with Mom and I sit beside him. “We talked about it over breakfast and we decided to get our marriage certificate today,” I tell her.

“And you’re happy?” she says shortly.

Justin laughs. “Don’t sound so disappointed.”

“I’m not disappointed, believe me,” she defends. “It’s just that you’ve both done a complete one-eighty since I saw you yesterday. I haven’t seen you two smile at each other in years!”

Justin and I both look at each other and giggle. Yes. We’re giggling. Maybe Jen brings out the childish side of us? I laugh harder when I see her looking at us with a horrified expression. “Aren’t you happy for us?” I ask, forcing my laughter to stop.

“There’s an us now?” she asks, her voice rising in pitch. “What in the fuck happened between you two last night?”

Justin chuckles and squeezes my hand.

Mom puts a hand over her mouth. “Never mind, I don’t think I want to know.”

“Nothing happened like what you think,” I promise her.

“Gosh Mom, you really have an imagination,” Justin jokes.

“What’s gotten into you boys?” she asks sternly.

“We’re in love, Mom,” I say simply, yet our love is anything but simple. It’s both, the scariest and most exciting rollercoaster I’ve ever been on in my life.

“Brian!” she snaps. “This isn’t funny. You can’t do this to him. I won’t let you hurt him.”

I run my hands through Justin’s hair, kiss his temple, and look her dead in the eyes. “I won’t hurt him. I won’t ever hurt him as I did, ever again.”

She nods in acceptance but asks the question I knew was coming, “What about Griffin?”

“I’ll always love him,” I assure her. “But I’m alive because of Justin, you have to know that.”

“Just because he makes you feel like living doesn’t mean…”

“Mom,” Justin cuts her off. “I was skeptical, believe me. I don’t have any desire to get my heart and soul ripped apart. If Brian says he loves me, more importantly, if I can feel he loves me, than he does.”

“But you have always said you felt that he loved you,” Jennifer says, trying to protect Justin.

“I always did,” I assure her. “I just didn’t know it, or understand it. I don’t want to be with Justin because he makes me want to live, Mom. I want to be with him because I can’t live without him. I know you’re scared for him, especially after how I treated him, but I promise you, I love him. I know that I can love him and that it doesn’t take away anything from what I shared with Griff.”

“But it’s so soon,” she says. “When I suggested you get married I thought you’d be doing it for show.”

“I told you that I wouldn’t agree to that and I meant it. Brian wants to marry me because he loves me. I love him, Mom. You know I do, please try and understand.”

“I am trying,” she states, her posture not so stiff. “But look at it from my point of view guys. This is something I always wanted for you both but never thought I’d see.”

“I know the feeling,” Justin whispers, tilting his head against my cheek. “Please don’t be angry, Mom. Please don’t doubt us. I couldn’t take that if you did.”

Jen lets out a long deep breath and places her hand over the ones we have clasped together. “You both are my sons and all I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy and see the love I saw between you two when you were too young to even begin to know what it would one day mean. I’m not angry and I don’t have any doubts, you’re both, finally where you’re supposed to be. Together.”

Justin and I both let out breaths of relief.

“Down!” Audrey yells, breaking the emotional moment.

Justin places her on the floor and we stare at her as she makes a beeline for her stuffed teddy bear, the one Griffin bought her before she was born. My heart aches as I watch her snuggle it and I wish that he could be here with us too. It’s probably a weird thought, especially because I am holding Justin’s hand and rubbing his pregnant stomach with my other. I miss him, but I think that he’d approve of Justin and me. He never came between us, even if he though he did. It was me, it was always me.

“So, when do you think you’ll get married?” Jennifer asks us.

“We thought we’d have a small ceremony during the barbecue tomorrow,” I say calmly.

“Tomorrow?” she gasps. “But…”

“I want a small wedding,” Justin interrupts her.

“And everyone we want to be there will be,” I add.

“Except Molly,” Justin says sadly.

Jennifer smiles at Justin. “Actually, I talked her into driving down. Your dad’s been pissing her off more than usual and I think she may have finally gotten it through her head that he unfortunately doesn’t care about anyone but himself.”

“But she hates Pittsburgh,” I say in disbelief. I haven’t seen her in years, she always claimed she was too busy to come see us and even when I was in New York on business, she was too busy to meet for lunch. She visited Justin and Leighton while they were in Chicago once, and rarely called her mother, Justin or me. When she didn’t show up after Griffin died; I really didn’t think we’d ever see her again.

“She says she has some news to share.”

Justin snorts. “She’s probably getting married and wants to throw it in my face.”

Mom and I both laugh at him.

“What?” he asks, clueless.

“You’re having a shot-gun wedding tomorrow,” I say. “You can throw that in her face.”

“But it isn’t a shot-gun wedding,” he retorts. “We’re getting married because we want to get married. Right?”

“Right,” I assure him, kissing him quickly.

Jennifer had a huge, pleased smile on her face but she soon frowns. “Wait, how are you getting married on the fourth of July? There’s no way you could find a minister to do it!”

“Mr. Chanders agreed to do it,” Justin tells her. “All he expects in return is some free barbecue.”

“Daphne’s father?” I swear Jennifer is blushing. “When did he get officiated?”

“A year after Loraine died,” Justin, explains. “He’s now the minister of our old church. I thought you knew that.”

“I haven’t talked to him since about that time,” Jennifer admits. “Is he doing okay?”

“I’m guess so,” Justin replies, obviously not noticing Jennifer’s eagerness.

She has the hots for him. I grin at her, “Well you can find out tomorrow.”

“Daddy! Dada!” Leighton’s yell rings from upstairs.

Evvie and Leighton’s footsteps sound like thunder as they run down the staircase. Evelyn yells as she comes into the living room, “Dada!”

“Hey! Did you have fun with Grandma?” I ask her, giving her a hug.

“Yup,” she says smiling and hugs Justin.

“We made you stuff,” Leighton tells us, digging into his jeans pocket.

“You did?” Justin asked, pleased with them. “What is it?”

“Let me give Daddy his, Leighton.” Evelyn drags Leighton a few feet from us.  

“We did an art project,” Leighton explains, turning his back and secretly handing Evvie something.

Almost every time they stay with Mom, she does a craft project with them. It’s no wonder that Justin and I both have jobs in the art field. Of course I don’t sketch anywhere near as good as he does and I don’t think I’ve picked up a paintbrush since high school, but it’s great that Jennifer has always encouraged our artistic side. I’m glad she does the same with our kids.

“Here you go, Daddy,” Evvie says, opening her palm to Justin.

“Here’s your present, Dada,” Leighton says quickly, not wanting me to see Justin’s before he shows me mine.

“Wow!” I really am shocked. “It’s beautiful, Leighton.”

“Look at mine,” Justin speaks in a thrilled sounding voice.

“They’re amazing.” I can’t believe they made these.

“How did you make these?” Justin asks.

“Grandma bought kits,” Evvie explains.

“Thanks Mom. And thank you both, I love it,” I tell them, kissing the sides of their faces.

I hold out my wrist and Justin ties the cowry shell bracelet on me and then I do the same for his.

“You don’t think they’re girlie right?” Leighton asks.

“Nope,” I assure him.

“They’re perfect,” Justin says hugging the kids.

Audrey crawls over and pulls herself up on my pant legs, curious about all the commotion. She immediately tries to pluck one of the shells off the leather band. I place her on my lap. “Sorry, sweetie, but it’s going to be a while before you wear jewelry.”

“Speaking of wearing jewelry,” Jennifer says. “Evelyn asked if she could get her ears pierced but I said she’d have to ask you first. I don’t mind taking her next week to do it, if you approve.”

“Can I? Can I? Can I?” Evelyn asks, hopping up and down.

I really don’t have any objections but I can tell from Justin’s expression that he does. There’s no way I’m going to agree if doesn’t. We’re both Evvie’s parents, now. “What do you think?” I ask him.

“Come here, Ev,” Justin prompts her to sit on his lap. Once she’s situated, he takes her, left ear lobe between his fingers and pinches it.

“Ouch!” She narrows her eyes at him. “Why did you do that! That hurt!”

Justin smiles at Evelyn and kisses her ear lobe. “That’s what Daphne’s mom did when she asked to get her ears pierced. It hurts a lot more than that pinch. Do you know that?”

“That’s okay,” Evelyn says. “There’s always pain in beauty.”

We all laugh at her remark.

“She’s your daughter,” Justin says.

“Definitely,” Mom agrees.

“What?” I say. Of course, I know they’re referring to how image and fashion conscious I am. I don’t feel guilty about that though.

Justin leans toward me and we share a small, leisurely kiss.

“Daddy?” Leighton asks, looking back and forth between Justin and me.

“Oh,” Justin gasps. “Leighton, we have something to tell you.”

“You were kissing Dada Brian,” he says worriedly. “Why?”

Evelyn doesn’t seem to understand that the kiss we shared means anything. She stares at Leighton confused at his outburst.

“Dada and me are getting married,” he says, grabbing onto my free hand.

Leighton’s frown slowly turns into a crooked smile. “We’re going to be a family forever?” he asks.

“Yes,” Justin and I both answer him in unison.

“What do you think about that?” I ask.

“It’s cool!” he squeals, giving me a hug and taking Audrey in his arms. “It’s cool, right, Audrey?” he asks her.

Audrey enjoys being bounced around and she loves Leighton, so of course she giggles in agreement.

“What about you?” Justin asks Evelyn. “What do you think?”

“I think I get to wear a pretty dress,” she giggles.

“You can be the flower girl,” Leighton says. “And I can be the ring bearer. Right, Dada?”

“Sure you can,” I agree. “But you don’t have to wear a suit. It’ll be too outside tomorrow.”

“You’re getting married tomorrow? What about the barbecue?”

“We’re going to have the ceremony during the barbecue,” Justin explains.

“Do we get to eat cake too?” Evelyn asks.

“No,” I say. “We’re not having a big wedding.”

“You have to have a cake, Brian,” Mom cuts in. “Alright, lets get ready to go.”

“Jeez,” Justin says, laughing. “What’s the hurry?”

“If I’m going to get a cake topper before tomorrow I have to get going before the store closes,” she says, gathering Audrey’s diaper bag and handing it me.

“You’re going to make our cake?” Justin asks.

“Of course,” Jennifer says. “I don’t care how small the wedding is going to be. I’ve been waiting for this day since you were sixteen, Justin.”

“Me too,” he speaks softly. Blush creeps up his cheeks and I have to kiss him soundly, to make him pay for looking so fucking beautiful in his honesty.

***

Thursday, February 17th 2000

Griffin’s P.O.V.

How’s it feel when it’s all in spite of you

How’s it feel when she’s out of your reach

The things we do to the people that we love

The way we break if there’s something in the way

Destroy the world that we took so long to make

We expect her gone for some time

“Brian, stop,” I whisper, batting his hands away from my ass.

“Justin’s not stupid,” Brian growls. “He knows we’re together.”

“Whatever,” I say. “He doesn’t know that for sure and I don’t want him to find out right before he leaves Leighton with us.”

“It’s not like he can go against court orders,” Brian says, following me down the hall.

I reach the foyer and give him a quick kiss. “I don’t care,” I whisper. “I don’t want to hurt Justin. He’s still our friend and he’s Leighton’s father.”

Brian rolls his eyes at me and opens the front door. “Justin,” he says in a faked, surprised voice, “come in.”

I elbow Brian and whisper, “Be nice.”

Justin barely looks at either one of us as he walks inside. I can’t recall the last time he looked either of us in the eyes. Leighton is fast asleep on one of his shoulders. “Can I help?” I ask.

Justin sits down on the wooden bench and drops the cooler bag beside him. “No,” he croaks, obviously on the verge of crying. “I’ve got it.”

I grab the cooler, hand it to Brian and gently order, “Go put this in the fridge.” Justin tends to ignore Brian and me completely, but when Brian’s not around, he’ll at the very least, acknowledge me when he talks.

Brian looks down at Justin as he takes the bag from me. For a moment, I see a pained, regretful expression cross over his face, but he quickly turns and walks down the hall, hiding it. I know he loves me, I do. But sometimes I wonder if Brian’s anger toward Justin is manifested from a place that has nothing to do with Justin cheating on me.

I never wanted to come between Justin and Brian. To any outsider, I’m sure that’s what it seems my intentions were from the start. But it isn’t true. I loved Justin and Brian loved that I loved Justin too. The love I felt for Justin is still in my heart, but it’s lessoned with the lies and hurt. He never really loved me and knowing that Brian always has loved me makes the pain of losing Justin less. I can’t compare them because they’re scores different from one another, but being with Brian…. Shit, having Brian love me with all his heart makes my feelings for him spring to life. I fought it as hard as I could, but loving Brian Kinney isn’t a feeling that is easy to suppress. Neither was loving my ex-husband.

Justin takes off Leighton’s boots, hat and gloves and awkwardly unzips his oversized winter coat. “I tried to wake him up in the car,” he says the mantra he speaks every Thursday afternoon.

“You can stay until he wakes up,” I assure him. The first time Justin dropped Leighton off, he was sleeping. I had to call him to come back because he was so frightened he wouldn’t stop screaming for him.

“Okay,” he whispers, handing me the rest of Leighton’s gear.

“Take off your coat and I’ll hang it up,” I suggest. I know he wants to go sit in the living room while he wakes and feeds him one last time before he goes. He does this with Leighton every time he drops him off, but he each time, he acts as though the act is unwelcome and new. He’s so different from the Justin I met and fell in love with. I know I’m to blame for his distance during our marriage and especially now, but no matter how hard I tried then, I could never bridge the gap. Now I’ve only made it larger and it kills me to know that it will probably continue to get bigger as time goes on.

Leighton whimpers as Justin moves him around to take off his coat. “Wake up, Sonny boy,” he says gently.

After I hang Justin’s coat up, I coax him into the living room. “I’ll get you a blanket,” I tell him as he sits in the rocker.

It doesn’t matter how many times Brian and I have seen him nurse Leighton. Now, he’s skittish about every little move he makes around us. I hand him the throw from off the sofa and give him a reassuring smile. “I’ll give you some privacy,” I tell him, walking out of the room.

I find Brian in the kitchen pacing. “Why do you have to be so accommodating,” he hisses, stopping in front of me.

“Why do you hate him?” I ask, keeping my tone quiet so Justin doesn’t hear me.

Brian shakes his head; his eyes rapidly blink at me until he glares at me before replying. “He was with another man when he could’ve, should’ve been with you.”

I put my hands on my hips and eye his expression. I don’t believe him. “So what?” I say. “People cheat all the time, Brian.”

“That makes it right?” he asks in a defensive tone.

I laugh in disbelief. “Come to think of it, I don’t think I could count on one hand how many guys you fucked, knowing they were with someone else. Remember that guy Luke?”

“Who?”

“Exactly,” I say. “You don’t even remember him, but I do. I know he was married and I know this wasn’t that long ago. So, why do you hold Justin, your brother, your best fucking friend, to different morals than you hold yourself?”

“I…” he can’t answer me and just closes his mouth, turning away from me.

I walk in front of him and run the back of my hand over his cheek. “Brian?”

“What?” he whispers, looking shamed.

“If I can forgive you and him, why can’t you forgive Justin?”

He takes my hand away from his face and kisses me gently. “I’ll try,” he promises.

“That’s good enough,” I say, hugging him and burying my face against his neck. We hold one another for some time and I do my best to calm myself down.

A cry reaches our ears, prompting us to break apart. I half-expected this. Leighton usually puts up a fight about Justin leaving. Brian and I walk in the living room and find Justin struggling to hold Leighton in his arms.

“Go home!” Leighton yells at Justin. “Go home!”

“I’m sorry, Leighton,” Justin whispers, rocking our son. “You have to stay with Papa and you’re going to have so much fun here,” he promises.

“You will,” Brian says encouragingly. “We’re going to play with the race cars we bought last week.”

Leighton looks up at Brian and immediately stops crying. “Cars?” he asks, using the cutest, most pathetic sounding voice on Earth.

Brian bends down and smiles, first at Justin and then at Leighton. “Yup, we’ll play with the race cars.”

Leighton sits up; slowly untangling himself from Justin, he reaches out to Brian. “Okay.”

“Give Daddy a hug and kiss first,” Brian prompts.

Justin looks up sharply, obviously not expecting Brian’s prompting. He gives him a small smile and then kisses Leighton’s chubby cheek. “Bye, buddy. I’ll see you Sunday,” he tells him, handing him off to Brian.

“Bye-bye, Daddy,” Leighton, says, still sounding sad.

“Bye,” Justin repeats, walking out of the living room.

I follow him to the door and open it for him. “I’ll take care of him,” I say, probably needlessly.

“I know,” Justin says, looking at me and for once meeting my eyes.

***

Wednesday, July 4th 2007

Justin’s P.O.V.

I wish her safe from harm

“You look hawt!” Daphne declares as she walks into ‘my room’.

I’m not sure I share the opinion, but she may be right. “So,” I say, turning toward her. “Did you ever, in your wildest dreams, imagine that you’d be my maid of honor and we’d both be pregnant?”

“I didn’t think you’d be pregnant the first time you got married,” she retorts teasingly. “At least this time I know you’re going to be happy.”

I hope she’s right because I really want to finally be happy. I’ve been doing everything I can to keep positive today. But, since the moment I woke, I’ve felt like something was bound to go wrong. The situation that led to Brian and I getting married is far from ideal, but he has always been my ideal man and I can’t deny that.

“My dad is really excited that you asked him to marry you and Brian.”

“He is?” Mr. Chanders has always liked me, but I’ve always had the impression that he didn’t like Brian.

“Yeah, he is. He went on and on about it on the drive out here. ‘Brian finally got his head out of his ass,’” she says in a deep voice, mimicking her father.

“I didn’t think he ever would,” I admit, sitting down on the sofa.

“Do you ever wish that you didn’t meet Griffin?” she asks boldly.

The question is one I’ve asked myself many times, though I’ve never admitted it aloud. But in the end I always have the same answer. “No.”

She smirks in disbelief. “I don’t mean to sound insensitive, I mean, god, I didn’t want him to die or anything Justin. I just think that things would’ve been so much easier for you and Brian if it weren’t for him.”

“Griffin made Brian want all the things he always said he never wanted,” I explain. “I may not have been able to do that.”

“I think you did,” she remarks. “Long before he came along.”

“He said he loved me, but he said he was confused,” I confess, grabbing the bowl of grapes beside me. I pop one in my mouth and explain while I chew the sweet fruit. “He didn’t think he should love me, because we were brothers.”

Daphne nods. “Just… hypothetically then… do you wish that?”

“I wouldn’t have Griffin and I wouldn’t have the girls either. I could never, not even hypothetically wish that I hadn’t met him. I’d trade the happiness I feel now, to have him back here,” I whisper, my emotions bubbling to the surface. I wipe away the tears in my eyes and clear my throat while I stand up. “I’ve got to finish getting ready,” I say, handing her the grapes and walking over to the mirror.

I see Daphne smile in the reflection as she munches more of the fruit. “You are ready,” she retorts.

I look at my ensemble. I have a long button-up, silk blend shirt that does nothing to hide my belly and my pants are lightweight linen with a drawstring waist, for comfort. Both items are pure white and completely informal, but as I admire myself in the mirror I realize that Daphne is right. I look hot and I know Brian will think so.

Brian and I discussed attire and came to the decision that we’d both had large, lavish weddings and neither one of us felt that a suit was appropriate. Especially because it’s a very small, outside wedding and the forecast expects a high of 85 degrees. Neither one of us wanted to be hot and sweaty, while speaking our vows; we want to save that for later. However, Brian doesn’t know exactly what I’m wearing and I don’t know what he has chosen. I am certain that he’ll bitch about my wearing flip-flops and I’ll have to loosen his tie, but either way, we’ll be a heck of a lot more comfortable than we would be in suits.

I know that Brian looks amazing in a suit or tuxedo so it’s a little bit of a disappointment to have him not wear one. But if he did, than so would I, it would look silly otherwise. However, when I married Griffin I couldn’t help but think that I looked like a little kid playing dress up. I don’t think there’s room for formality with Brian and I, I’m certain that all ended the moment he held my hand for the first time.

Daphne walks up beside me, placing her hands on her large stomach. “Two pregos,” she laughs, “fixin’ to walk down the grassy aisle in a back yard. Could we get any more white trash?”

I thread my arm through hers and do my best to emulate her country twang, “Of course we could. I could be marrying my own brother.”

Daphne cackles and kisses me on my cheek. “Come on, it’s time to go, you don’t want to be late to your own wedding.”

“No, Brian would have my ass.”

“I’m sure he’ll have it anyway,” she jokes.

I open the door to the hallway and prepare myself. “I can’t believe this,” I whisper as we start walking down the short hallway.

“I can,” she says confidently. “Justin, he was never your brother, he was always your soul mate.”

I’d like to make fun of her for saying the cheesiest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. I can’t though because I am unable to speak. We’ve turned into the kitchen and the French doors are open wide out onto the large deck.

Brian stands in the middle of the gazebo; Leighton holds his hand, standing beside him. They both smile at me and my breath catches in my throat. This is real. I’m marrying Brian Kinney.

A Few Minutes Earlier

Brian’s P.O.V.

“You made this look beautiful,” I tell Mom, gesturing to the deck’s decorations. I never would’ve thought that white roses and blue roses could look so elegant.

“Frank helped,” she says, her cheeks blushing. “He’s really good at flower arranging.”

“Let’s hope he isn’t too good,” I say conspiratorially.

She gives me a confused expression and asks, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Only that if he’s too good, he might be gay,” I reply, smiling devilishly.

She hits me on the shoulder. “You know he isn’t. He just enjoys gardening.”

“Well, I’m glad you guys didn’t go overboard,” I reply, letting the fact that she is obviously attracted to Frank Chanders slide, for now.

“I did my best with such short notice,” she says, elbowing me in the side.

I give her a kiss on the cheek and smile, “Thank you, it looks beautiful, Mom.”

Honestly, this back yard is the perfect place for a wedding. The dark wooden deck is huge and in the center is a raised platform with a gazebo. In three of corners, they placed vases filled with striking blue lilies, red celosias and white wild flowers. They threaded some red gomphrena plants through the wooden diamonds and hung a loosely tied bouquet of them in the center, acting like a chandelier. Normally, I really can’t stand flowers or anything that remotely looks like something out of a cheesy design magazine. Nevertheless, the décor is perfect and I couldn’t be happier to have it enhance today.

“Are you ready for this, Brian?” Mom asks, brushing invisible dust from my shoulders.

“Definitely,” I tell her. I’m nervous about our future, but I’m positive that I’m ready to marry Justin.

Jennifer looks at her watch and turns toward Frank. “About two minutes,” she tells him.

“If Justin is on time,” I joke, taking my place beside the reverend.

“You’re the one who is always late,” she reminds me. “I’ll go round up the kids and Molly.”

“Thanks,” I say with a smile.

“She’s a fine woman,” Frank comments as Jennifer walks down the side steps toward the yard’s playground.

“If you think so, you should tell her,” I say, holding his gaze. “Or show her.”

The man’s mocha colored skin doesn’t conceal his blush. “I haven’t dated anyone since my wife died.”

“Maybe it’s time to love again,” I say quietly, watching Jennifer come back up the steps. Cynthia, Molly, Leighton and Evelyn trail behind her.

“That’s what today is,” Frank replies. “A new beginning.”

“Dada!” Leighton shouts, running up beside me. “Grandma said to ask you for the rings.”

I bend a little and dig them out of my pocket. “Here you go,” I say, placing them in his open palm. “The smaller one is your Daddy’s and you’ll give that to me.”

“I know,” he huffs, standing up straight beside me. “You told me already.”

“What about me?” Evelyn asks.

“Here’s the petals,” Cynthia tells her, handing her the small basket of white roses.

“When you see Justin get to the doorway, step in front of him and start throwing the petals,” I remind her.

“Then I sit by Cynthia,” Evvie says. “Right?”

“Right,” Cynthia tells her.

Evelyn takes the basket and swishes the skirt of her dark red sundress as she walks over to her position.

“You look nice, Brian,” Molly tells me, sounding nervous.

“Of course I do,” I remark as she sits down in one of the chairs in front of us.

Honestly, I’m not sure what to say to the woman. Every word that’s come out of her mouth since she arrived this morning, has been forced and she looks like this is the last place she wants to be. I only hope that Justin doesn’t notice her behavior.

“I’m going to sit down,” Mom says, kissing my cheek and having Audrey do the same. My eyes follow them as Mom takes her seat beside Molly. She whispers something in Audrey’s ear, making her laugh and bounce in her Grandmother’s lap.  

“Dada,” Leighton whispers, tugging on my hand.

I look back to the open French doors and see Justin a few feet from them. Every memory of pain melts out of me, disappearing through the wooden slits in the deck the cool grass and warm earth absorbing it, keeping it away from the here and now. I have never felt happier to see a man return my smile.

Justin’s smile is the sustenance of life. How in the fuck I survived so long without it, without begging for it in subtle and not-so-subtle ways, I’ll never understand. I can barely manage to keep the joy I feel inside me as he walks over the threshold with Daphne. Evelyn throws the petals up into the air, giggling a laugh I refrain from sharing with her, though Audrey doesn’t. I scan the faces of my family and friends and find their eyes misty and their lips curled in smiles.

Justin leads Daphne to her seat beside her husband Loren. He then bends down and gives Evelyn a loud kiss on her cheek. As he does, his tailored shirt tightens, giving reveal to his swollen belly. The children, all of them, were definitely the reason we both agreed to this marriage in the first place, but as he places Evelyn in her chair and stands up-right, turning toward me; I know the exact reason that I am going to marry Justin Taylor.

It has nothing to do with fear, loneliness or necessity. It’s because he is my life-blood and without him, I lived a much lesser existence.

Every moment I spent with Griffin, each day we lived our lives, were filled with honest, true love. We were happy, in love and content. However, I never knew I could feel the way I do now. I didn’t allow myself to grasp the strings that dangled off these feelings for years.

I hold out my free hand, he grasps it, staring into my eyes as he steps up and stands beside me. I let go of Leighton’s hand, hold Justin’s face and whisper, “I’m marrying you, Justin.”

He huffs a laugh and licks his lips before replying, “I’m marrying you, Brian.”

“You’re everything,” I tell him. “Everything!” I speak firmly, loud enough for all who is witnessing this to hear.

I don’t want one person to doubt our sudden vows. Because it isn’t sudden, it’s long, long, over due. We were bound for this the first time our hands entwined. I join our hands and wait for Frank to begin to bind us legally, nevertheless, from the start, we both know, we were destined for eternity.

Later that night

Justin’s P.O.V.

“When we can, before the twins are born, I want to take you on a real honeymoon,” Brian tells me, the moment he closes our bedroom door.

“I don’t need a honeymoon,” I tell him. “And I don’t think we can afford it. Do you?” I slip off my flip-flops, that Brian surprisingly complimented me on, though it was because he has a foot fetish, and start to unbutton my dress shirt.

“Wait, I want to undress you,” he whispers, walking up behind me and starting the task himself. “And, we can afford it. Kinnetik is doing amazingly well. Even without me being there to provide my genius all the time,” he laughs, “we’re turning an amazing profit.”

I turn and face him as he drags the fabric down my shoulders and tosses it behind him. “Okay,” I say. I trust Brian. God, that feels good. I trust him, completely, once again.

Brian takes a step back and gives me a skeptical look. “That was easy. Maybe too easy.”

I walk toward him and place my hand on the erection that shows prominently in his pinstripe gray slacks. “You’re too easy,” I whisper and stand on my tiptoes to lick around the shell of his ear. I press against him with my body and squeeze his hard cock. “But I trust you, if you want to go on a honeymoon, which I think we could use before the twins arrive, and you’re sure we can afford it, then I’d love to go.”

“We can afford it, Justin,” he assures me. His hands grip onto my waist, his head dips so his forehead presses against mine and he groans hot breaths of desire on my skin. “Justin,” he whispers, his hands moving, fingers crawling up spine until he cups my face. “My husband,” he speaks in awe, his eyes open and inviting me into the haven I see in them.

I beam at him and return the sentiment, “My husband, Brian Kinney.”

He laughs, his hands moving down my chest, over my stomach, settling on the drawstrings of my pants. “These are so hot,” he tells me, pulling one of the strings between his thumb and forefinger so the waistband loosens. He lets go of the string and my pants fall to the floor. “I’ve always loved you in tightie-whities,” Brian says huskily, grabbing and pulling them down as he kneels before me. “But, I prefer you out of them.”

My dick is full, arching up toward my stomach, I jut my hips out toward his face and he takes a deep breath to inhale my scent. “You like that?” I ask him, needlessly.

He answers by sticking his tongue out, leaning forward and licking a long wet line up the shaft of my cock, making me shiver and my knees feel weak.

“Brian,” I moan his name as he closes his mouth tightly sucking at the head of my dick and gripping my thighs in his hands. I want to watch him, but the pleasure I feel gets in the way of any control I have. I squeeze my eyes shut and concentrate on what it feels like to have one of his perfect, expert blowjobs.

Brian’s P.O.V.

I run my tongue around in my mouth, tasting, then swallowing, Justin’s thick come as I rise to my feet. He looks completely sated, but I’ve only begun. I want to touch him, feel him, like I never have before.

Justin is silent as I undress before him and lead him over to our bed. He doesn’t need to say anything because I can read his mind from his expressions and his dark blue eyes. I know what he wants, how he wants it, and I’m going to give it to him. I’m going to give it to us. Everything our bodies and minds need will come together, tonight.

We touch one another as though each millimeter of skin is brand new to our eyes, fingers, lips and tongues. Every movement we make is almost in slow motion, allowing each of us to experience every feeling to its full potential. Sounds and nearly indecipherable words pour out of us, crashing memories and present wisdom together.

Sliding in and out of Justin’s body, our mutual gratification nears, ebbing and flowing with our rhythm, opening a joyride neither of us could’ve ever predicted we’d take together.

When we both lay spent, sticking to each other, my dick still inside Justin, and our hands sticky and warm around his messy sated dick, I’m not sure we’re still on earth. But our smells, our breathing, my chest pushing against his back, feeling each bone in his spine, his hair tickling my nose, my tears in his sweaty locks of hair, it’s a heaven on Earth.  I don’t think I can call what we just experienced an orgasm. That word seems too small, far too innocent and much too flat to encompass what we reached.

“That was…” Justin whispers. However, he trails off, feeling what I feel, not sure there is a word to describe it.

I take our joined hands from his cock and tilt his chin up. I kiss his sweet, plump lips. Even though it’s a small word, and nearly unworthy, I finish his sentence, speaking into his ear, “Ahhhmazing.”

***

Sunday, February 20th 2000

3rd Person P.O.V.

To find yourself in a foreign land

Another refugee outsider refugee

What happened to you

What happened to you

What happened to you

What happened to you

Justin parked his car in the driveway of Brian and Griffin’s house. The memory of the day Brian took ownership of the house played behind his closed eyelids, eliciting hot tears to escape and trail down his cheeks.

The day Brian closed on the house and Jennifer gave him the keys, he picked Justin up, his jeep smelling of Italian food and new car smell. They drove out to the massive, empty house and carted in the food and the blanket and pillow Brian brought for Justin’s comfort.

They ate their food, sharing bites and laughter, talking about the past and dreaming about their drastically changing futures. Brian was so excited, showing him each room, asking Justin’s inexperienced opinion on every detail of dream décor. They stayed there at the house until late evening, the light outside only a dim guide shining through dusty windows, creating just enough of a path to navigate out of the home and back to the jeep.

When Brian closed the door and locked it, Justin’s guilt overpowered the small flicker of imagination that started to run wild in his brain. He buckled his seatbelt over the large swell of his stomach, locking himself back into the reality he knew. Brian drove, one hand holding Justin’s, a tender show of affection that was intimate, yet so familiar to them.

Presently, Justin flexed his hand, nearly feeling Brian’s steady, strong hand in his own. He opened his eyes and faced the house. The bright green shrubs and trees framing the home and drive were now sparse, brown, some covered with snow. The sun didn’t shine as it did that late spring day; it lay hidden behind clouds in an ever-gray sky.

Justin had realized very few of the dreams he’d imagined in Brian’s home that day. He knew that for Brian, he’d exceeded almost all of his own. In only a few years, so much between them had changed. He’d lost the one person he could count on, his brother, his best friend and… the love of his life.

The only thing he had left from that time, a time that was confusing, yet so promising, was a shaky relationship with his Mom and, the best thing in his life, his son, Leighton. Justin reminded himself every day that his child was worth it all. Being a father to Leighton was the salve to every wound inflicted upon him, or that he knowingly acquired. His smile, so innocent and bright was a numbing agent to every scar on Justin that had yet to completely heal over.

Justin shoved his gloves on his hands and opened the door, the cold air and wind whipped around him as he stepped out of the vehicle and into the snowy driveway. He closed the door to the 1991 Toyota Corolla, leaving the engine and heat running.

His old, holey boots drenched his socks with wet snow as he navigated his way up to the front door. Before he could knock, the door was opened and Brian stood before him, holding Leighton, bundled tight in a blue snowsuit he’d never seen before.

“Daddy!” Leighton yelled, reaching his arms out to Justin.

Justin felt his heart lighten in weight as his little boy’s adorable smile entered his heart. “Hey, baby,” Justin said, taking him from Brian and stepping inside the foyer.

Brian closed the door behind Justin. “We went shopping,” he said, picking up the diaper bag and a few bags from a department store.

“Where’s Griffin?” Justin asked, looking around.

“He came down with something not too long after you left Thursday,” Brian replied. He leaned in and mock tickled Leighton through the snowsuit. “So he’s sequestered away in his bedroom, we didn’t want Leighton to catch the flu too. So it was me and the little man this weekend.”

Justin felt heat boil inside him. “He still could’ve caught whatever it is that Griffin has.” He looked at his son, checking to make sure the little boy was free from any apparent signs of the flu.

“Stop being a drama princess,” Brian sneered in a false happy tone. “He’s just fine.”

“Well, our custody arrangement is for Griffin to have him, not you,” Justin spat. “Say goodbye to Brian,” he prompted his son, using a soft voice.

“Bye!” Leighton spoke happily, oblivious to the tension between the two adults because he was so relieved to be in his Daddy’s arms once again.

“I’ll walk you out,” Brian said, knowing that he wanted Leighton settled in the car before he told Justin what he and Griffin had agreed to confess.

Justin nodded and walked back out into the cold, taking careful steps to the car. Once there, he buckled Leighton then watched bitter sweetly as Brian kissed the boy’s forehead, placed the diaper and shopping bags on the floorboard and closed the door.

“Wait, Justin,” Brian said, reaching out for Justin’s arm, stopping the blond from walking around to the driver side of the car.

Justin sighed, his hot breath making cloud in front of him. He turned to Brian, drawing his jacket tighter to his body. “What?” he asked, expecting a snide goodbye from the man.

“I need to tell you something,” Brian started, shaking from the cold and the guilt that clawed inside him.

Justin sighed again and spoke in irritation, “So tell me. It’s freezing and I want to get home before it starts snowing again.”

Brian pushed past the memories he shared with Justin and forced the words out of his mouth, “Griffin and I are together. We’re lovers.”

Justin had known the truth. He’d known for a very long time. Nevertheless, hearing Brian saying it caused millions of scenarios to parade through his mind in seconds. Images of Brian and Griffin fucking, making love, and so many every day situations assaulted his mind. He knew exactly how they’d smile at each other; laugh together, love together, because he’d done both-almost- with them. But they were together now. He was an outsider and the revealed knowledge of this beat betrayal through each pump of his heart, seared through his veins and into his stinging, watery eyes.

Brian watched Justin’s facial expressions change, never seeing shock and feeling somewhat good at that. Justin knew it was coming.

“You’re a fucking asshole!” Justin exploded, pushing Brian away from him. “Now you have everything you want, Brian. Don’t you?”

“Yes,” Brian answered truthfully.

“I don’t know how I ever called you my brother,” Justin seethed. “You don’t care about me; you never really did, did you?”

Brian scoffed, “You brought this upon yourself. It’s not like we hopped in bed together the second you two divorced.”

Justin glared at Brian. “No, I’m sure you didn’t. I’m sure Griffin put up a fight, because he’s better than you are. He would never intentionally hurt me as you so easily do. You relish hurting me and I’ll never understand why. But I know that one day your little policy of no regrets will come undone Brian. You’ll be destroyed by the regrets that will encompass you and I will relish the day when that happens.”

Brian was shortly taken aback by Justin’s words and the vengeance that filled them. He grabbed onto his hand and lowered his voice as he spoke, “Please, Justin. You and I both know that this was inevitable.”

Justin jerked away from Brian. “This was never inevitable. This was nothing of any desired fate I’d ever concocted. This is you, Brian. You do what you want and you want to blame me for your betrayal. I’m the whore, I’m the bad guy, but so are you. What would your precious Griffin say if he knew the truth?”

“You wouldn’t dare, Justin! You wouldn’t…”

Justin cut Brian off. “I would dare! After all, Brian, what the fuck do I have to lose now? He hates me; you hate me, why shouldn’t I tell him the truth?”

Brian shrugged his shoulders. “Do what you want.”

“I want you to leave me alone. I want you to stop acting so superior when you’re around me. Leighton may not understand the hate you have for me now, but he will, soon. I don’t want him around that and I can’t take being around that anymore, Brian. You have everything you want so the least you can do is stop the vendetta you have against me,” Justin pleaded.

“Okay,” Brian spoke softly. “Okay, I’ll try to stop being so angry with you.”

Justin turned from Brian and walked over to his side of the car. He got in and watched Brian stomp up to the house and close the door behind him. “Happy Birthday, Justin,” he grumbled, wiping away his tears.

Leighton heard his father and giggled from the back seat. “Happy Burtday, Daddy!”

Justin looked back at his son and allowed his presence and beauty to envelop his body. “Thanks, baby boy.”