Ardor

Chapter Four: “Memory”

Yesterday is but today's memory, and tomorrow is today's dream. ~ Khalil Gibran

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

Justin peered through the glass french doors that led out to the patio deck. “Look at the swans, Gus. They look fun, don’t they?”

“Where?” Gus asked, peering out the window.

Justin tapped the glass. “They’re right there.”

“I don’t see no birds,” Gus said softly. “Did they fly away?”

“Did what fly away?” Brian asked, walking up behind Justin and Gus.

“The swans. Justin says there are fun swans.”

Justin sucked in a deep breath and shook his head as he turned to look at Brian. “I’m s…sorry, sorry. I… not swans. I know they’re not swans. They’re… the…”

“Swings,” Brian said, looking out into the backyard. He put his hand on Justin’s shoulder to calm him and smiled. “But if you swing high enough you probably could feel like you’re flying like a bird.”

Justin nodded and moved away from Brian and mumbled, “Sorry,” once again.

Brian bent down to Gus’ level and told him, “Why don’t you go out and give those swings a test-run. If this is the house we’re going to buy, we have to make sure the swings work, right?”

“Yeah!” Gus cheered.

Brian opened the door for Gus. “Now don’t go off exploring, all right? Stay right there on the swings where I can see you, okay?”

“Uh-huh,” Gus said, bolting outside.

Brian watched Gus run to the swing set and hop on one of the swings before he turned toward Justin who had backed up into the corner of the den. “Hey, there’s nothing to say sorry for,” he told him quietly.

Justin looked up and met Brian’s eyes for a second before looking back down at his feet. “I confused him. I told him the wrong w…word and I didn’t know it.”

“So what? He doesn’t care.” Brian walked over to Justin and stood right in front of him. “Look at me,” he commanded softly.

Justin wrapped his arms around his chest as he looked up at Brian fearfully. “I’m not okay anymore. I’m not good w…with children. That’s what… what Elaine said. I’m not good for them. I scare them. I scared my sss…sister and I scared Gus.”

“Justin, you didn’t scare Gus. He was just confused for a moment and there wasn’t any harm done. He’s outside swinging and happy. Go look at him.”

Justin bent and picked up his cane from where he dropped it and slowly walked back over to the doors leading to the backyard. He saw Gus swinging, a big smile on his face as he waved at him. Justin waved back. “I didn’t scare him?”

Brian closed his eyes and wished that the crack-pot psychiatrist Jennifer and Craig had Justin see never existed. “Of course not. Gus is a tough kid. He only gets scared of monsters and the dark.”

“Me too!” Justin said and then regretted saying it. “Not anymore. Not… not anymore.”

“It’s okay if you’re scared sometimes. Everyone’s afraid of something.”

“I’m afraid I won’t ever be me again,” Justin whispered.

Brian stepped behind Justin and ran his hands up and down the younger man’s arms. “You are you. Anyone who doesn’t like you or wants you to be different from who you are right now isn’t worth caring about. I want you to get better, I want you to remember, but even if you remain exactly as you are right now, you’re still you.”

“I don’t want to be,” Justin paused, “this me anymore.”

Brian dropped his hands from Justin’s arms and turned him around to face him. “Do you think I’d stop being friends with you if you didn’t ever remember your past or if you didn’t ever get any better?”

“You would,” Justin said firmly. “It’s okay.”

“Well you’re wrong. Why would I be wasting my time being friends with you now if I didn’t like who you are right now?”

Justin shrugged and a feeling of hope bubbled within him. “You like me?”

Brian bit his lip and nodded. He asked, “What do you like you about yourself? Tell me.” He was entering territory he never thought he would with anyone, but Justin needed someone in his life that boosted his confidence and didn’t make him feel less than normal.

Justin thought for a moment and said, “That you’re my friend.”

Brian bit his lip to stop himself from laughing. “Besides that.”

“I don’t know,” Justin said honestly. He tried to think of something about himself that he liked but couldn’t come up with anything.

“To have gone through what you have, you’d have to be persistent and courageous, right?”

Justin shrugged. “I guess.”

“You are those things,” Brian said. “You’re wrong about not being good with children.”

“But I hurt Molly,” Justin admitted regretfully. “I broke her arm.”

“How did you do that?” Brian asked curiously. Justin was so fearful of people; he couldn’t imagine the younger man hurting anyone, especially his sister.

“When I came home from th... the rehab center. I didn’t mean to do it but I just wanted her to leave me alone. I went into my bedroom to be alone but she put her arm in the d... door when I slammed it shut. That’s why Molly s…stays with…” Justin stopped and remembered what he was supposed to call his father. “She stays with my Dad.”

“Did you know her arm was in the door when you shut it?”

“No, but I should’ve been gentle.”

“But you were upset and you didn’t know her arm was there. Justin, it had to have been terrifying going home after you spent so long in rehab. I’m sure that you needed to be alone and you haven’t cornered the market on annoying sisters. I have an annoying sister too. Let me ask you something. If you knew her arm was in the door, would you have slammed it closed?”

“No,” Justin said adamantly, shaking his head. “No. But Mommy said I can’t organize my temper. I mean...” As soon as he said it, he knew the word didn’t sound right and worse, he’d called his mother ‘Mommy’.

“You couldn’t control your temper,” Brian filled in. “But you can now, can’t you?”

“Sometimes I still get angry,” Justin said.

“Who doesn’t? Do you hurt anyone or anything when you’re angry.”

“No, not since Molly.”

“So, what else do you get pissed off about?”

“My mom,” Justin said in whisper. “She wants me to be a little kid. Sometimes I th... think she doesn’t want me to be better so I don’t leave her and get hurt again.”

Justin had no idea how intelligent he truly was because Brian had thought the same thing. Earlier, when the four of them had lunch at a bistro, she insisted on cutting Justin’s sandwich for him even though Justin had told her he could do it. That was just one of the small things that made him believe that Justin wasn’t too far off in his statement. “You need to stand up for yourself, Justin. You’re twenty-two years old; you aren’t a kid, no matter what happened to you, you’re still an adult. Just because there are some things you may not be able to do, or things you don’t remember, it doesn’t mean your wants and needs have to be any different from other twenty-two year olds. If you want independence then you can have it.”

Justin thought about what Brian was saying but he wasn’t sure how he could have independence. His mother told him that he couldn’t move out and be on his own. Justin was afraid to be on his own sometimes, but the need to be independent trumped his fears. “I have money.”

“From the settlement?” Brian asked. He recalled reading about it in the papers.

Justin nodded. “I can have my own home, like you.”

“Well you might be better starting off in an apartment or something, but yeah, you could.”

“Brian?”

“We’re in the den,” Brian called out to Jennifer.

Jennifer entered the den with a big smile on her face. “It took some doing, but your offer was accepted. You are now the owner of this beautiful home!”

“That’s fantastic!” Brian hugged the woman. “So when do we do the closing?”

“Friday,” Jennifer said happily. “Then you can start moving in this weekend. After this we’ll go back to my office. The seller’s agent is faxing the signed contract and I’ll need you to re-sign the accepted contract and we’ll fax them back.”

“That sounds good,” Brian said. “Gus’ grandma is going to watch him overnight so I’ll drop him off and then meet you at your office.”

“Congratulations, Brian,” Justin said softly, overcome with how gorgeous Brian Kinney was when he smiled.

“Thank you,” Brian told him, walking toward the back doors. “I’ve got to go tell Gus.”

Justin waited until the door was closed behind Brian before telling his mother, “I want to move out. To... have my own place.”

Jennifer flinched and asked, “Wh... what did you say?”

“I have money,” Justin said firmly. He spoke slowly to be sure that he wouldn’t stutter and could recall his words perfectly. “I want to use the money from the settlement to move out.”

“Justin, you can’t just move out! You can’t be on your own.”

“Yes, I can,” Justin said firmly. “I am twenty-two years old, not five.” He took a deep breath and quelled his frustration. “You will always be my mother and I will always be your son but you can’t protect me from everything.”

“Did Brian put you up to this?” Jennifer accused.

“You think I don’t have my own mind.” Again Justin breathed in and out deeply before speaking, “I can think all on my own.”

Jennifer sighed and approached Justin, placing her hand on his shoulder. “Sweetie, I just don’t think now is the right time. Maybe once you’ve gotten a little better...”

“No,” Justin interrupted, backing away from her. “I am an adult and I can make my own decisions.”

“Justin, do you know what it would be like to live on your own? You’d have to do everything for yourself. You have to cook, clean and pay bills all by yourself. I don’t think you understand...”

“I understand,” Justin insisted, his voice rising. “You don’t. You want me to be a little boy and I am n...not a little b...b...boy no more.”

“Justin, that’s not true. I want you to be independent but you have to learn to be independent first. Maybe in a few months or a year you can...”

“This is just like that time in eighth grade!” Justin shouted. “You wouldn’t let me buy my own pair of razorblades...”

“Rollerblades,” Jennifer corrected.

Justin huffed. “Whatever. You wou... wouldn’t let me buy my own even after I learned how to use them at the skkk... skating rink. I s...saved that money on my own and was even going to buy a helmet and pads, but you wanted me to wear the ugly Snoopy skates you got me for Christmas!”

The anxiety Jennifer felt when she thought of her son moving out on his own was replaced by excitement. “Justin,” Jennifer said, “you remembered that!”

Justin’s eyebrows knit together and he realized that what he’d spoken had not been what anyone told him. When he thought about it, he remembered a large chunk of that time. He remembered his eighth grade teacher was Mr. Lopez and it was the first year that he and Daphne didn’t have the same homeroom teacher. He remembered that Christmas, the disappointment of receiving the skates. He remembered so much that it was hard to process it all. So many different memories clouded his mind he couldn’t embrace any of them. “Mom,” Justin whispered, his vision spiraling as he reached for her. “Oh... god.”

“Justin, honey, sit down.” She grabbed his hand and helped him sit on the floor and rubbed his back. “Just take deep breaths,” she soothed, “in and out. That’s right.”

Justin opened his eyes and closed them again as what he was seeing before him wasn’t what his mind wanted to concentrate on. He saw his friend Daphne, modeling a tangerine gown at a store. He saw his mother putting on make-up in her vanity mirror wearing a deep red velvet dress. As sudden as the memories came on, they stopped and Justin could once again see his surroundings properly. He looked over at his mother and saw her much differently than he had seen her only a few seconds before.

“Are you all right?” Jennifer asked, still rubbing Justin’s back.

Justin scooted away from her touch, grabbed his cane and slowly stood up. “I... I need to go home.” He needed to think. He needed to think about the memories and organize them properly. “I’m tired.”

Brian walked into the den, Gus trailing behind him, and immediately he could tell something had happened to Justin. His skin was ghostly white and he looked shaky.

“We bought this house!” Gus exclaimed, running over to Justin. “Now I can swing a lot and Dad is buyin’ me a juggle gym.”

“A jungle gym,” Brian corrected, his eyes never leaving Justin’s.

Justin blinked and focused on the little boy’s enthusiasm and smiled. “That’s really cool. When I was your age I had a j...jungle gym too. They’re ffff...fun to climb on.”

“And do tricks,” Gus said, bouncing around. “I can’t wait.”

“We should head out,” Jennifer urged, wrapping her arm around Justin. “Why don’t you walk out with Brian, I’m going to lock up.”

“I’m... I’m going with him,” Justin said firmly.

“Sweetie, he’s got to drop Gus off before he comes to the house, why don’t you...”

“I’m going with him,” Justin said, his tone louder. He looked at Brian. “I c...can go with you?”

Brian knew something had happened when he’d been outside with Gus, something that maybe Justin wanted to tell him about alone. “Sure.”

Jennifer sighed and twisted her hands together nervously. “Okay, I guess I’ll see you at home.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

Justin had stayed completely quiet during the drive to Debbie’s unless Gus had directly engaged him in conversation. Brian could almost feel Justin vibrating beside him the whole ride, and so, after he brought Gus into Debbie’s and came back to the Jeep he immediately asked Justin, “What’s going on? What happened with your mom?”

“I told her I wanted to m...move out.”

“She didn’t take it well,” Brian surmised, starting the engine and heading toward Justin’s house.

Justin shook his head. “I told her that she wanted to keep me as a little boy but then...”

“Then?” Brian pressed.

“I remembered stuff. A lot of stuff.”

Brian wondered why Justin didn’t sound happier about that. “Did you remember when you were hurt?”

“No,” Justin squeaked. “B...but I remembered more of Daphne.” He put his hands over his face and mumbled, “Too much.”

Brian patted Justin’s leg gently. “You can tell me.”

Justin placed his hands in his lap and looked at Brian curiously. “Do you really want to know?”

“Tell me,” Brian repeated and made to draw his hand away but one of Justin’s hands caught his and held it tightly.

“I had sex with Daphne.”

Brian nodded. “You experimented with a girl.”

“I guess.”

“Is that confusing you?”

“Yes,” Justin admitted. “Why would I do that if I’ve always known I was gay?”

That statement made Brian realize that Justin must have recalled many memories. “You always knew?”

“Since I wassss six,” Justin said. “But I don’t know why I would do that with Daphne. Is that why she doesn’t come to see me anymore?”

“I’m not sure. I think you’ll have to call her and ask her yourself.”

“I guess.”

“Whose car is that?” Brian asked as he pulled the Jeep up the driveway. “It’s a rental from the look of the license plate.” He parked the car and got out.

“Maybe a cl... client for my mom,” Justin said, slowly following Brian around to the back of the house.

Brian was a few steps ahead of Justin, and when he saw the couple and child sitting at the tables and chairs on the back porch, he thought it rather odd that clients would invade Jennifer’s privacy like that. “Can I help you?” he asked.

Justin heard the steely tone in Brian’s voice and hung back on the side of the house. He didn’t want to have to deal with anyone right now. All he wanted was to go upstairs and go to sleep. He was sure that all he needed was to rest and his memories would be clearer and not as confusing.

“I called the number,” the man said, rising. “Jennifer said she was on her way home.” He looked at the woman he was with and asked, “Do you know him?”

“No, I don’t. Who are you?”

Justin heard the woman’s voice and immediately he knew whom it belonged to and stepped around the corner of the house.

“Brian Kinney,” he offered. “I’m a friend of...”

“Justin! Oh my god!” Daphne handed Justice off to Mitchell and ran down the steps past Brian. “It’s so good to see you’re all right!”

Justin cowered away from her and held his hands up. “Wait, wait!” he said.

Brian stepped beside Justin and drew him close. “It’s okay,” he told him.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Daphne said softly. “I... do you, do you remember me?”

Justin looked up at her and nodded. “Yes.”

“Oh thank god!” Daphne said. “I didn’t know. My parents told me you still hadn’t woken up but they were lying to me! Justin, if I had known you were all right I would’ve come sooner.”

Justin looked the girl over, trying to process what she was saying to him and also trying to bring the memories he had of her to his mind. “You thought... y...you didn’t know I woke up? That’s why you aren’t my friend?”

“Justin, I was always your friend. I’ve thought about you every single day and prayed that you would be okay and you’d wake up from your coma. I have so much to tell you.” Daphne turned toward Mitchell and waved him over. “This is my husband, Mitchell, and...”

“Daddy!” Justice exclaimed, wiggling in Mitchell’s arms. “Daddy!”

Brian looked at the little girl and then down at Justin’s face. The child’s skin was an olive tone, but everything else about the little girl resembled Justin perfectly.

“And this,” Daphne paused and cleared her throat as she took her child from Mitchell. “This is Justice, our daughter.”

Even with his arm around Justin’s waist, the sudden collapse of the younger man had Brian struggling to help him ease down onto the grass. “Call an ambulance!” Brian ordered. He glared at the girl. “Now!”

“We don’t have cell phones that work here,” Daphne spoke in a frightened tone.

“I’m a doctor,” Mitchell said, stepping forward.

“Daddy!” Justice wept, burying her face in her mother’s chest. “He hurted again!”

“It’s okay, he’ll be okay,” Daphne soothed.

“Justin!” Jennifer screeched as she turned the corner of her house and saw her son lying on the grass, Brian bent over him.

“He passed out!” Brian said, throwing his cell phone toward Jennifer. “Call 911!”

~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday, July 17, 2003

Justin looked around the hospital room, his head feeling a little groggy from the effects of the medication administered to him. He’d woken up in the ambulance in a state of panic and the last thing he remembered was a paramedic sticking a shot in his arm while telling him that it would help him relax. He wondered what else they had given him once he arrived at the hospital to make him sleep. The last time he’d looked at a clock, he and Brian had been pulling up to his house and it was four in the afternoon. He could see daylight outside and the clock showed that it was ten, so he knew it was the next day.

Justin wasn’t sure if he should press the call button for a nurse or wait in silence until someone came to check on him. He knew that he would be subjected to tests and questions as soon as they realized he was awake. His memory had returned but Justin felt overwhelmed with how freshly he recalled them. He raised himself up on the bed and looked around the room, wondering why his mother wasn’t there. He heard a sound at the door and quickly fell back against the mattress and feigned sleep. He needed time, time without doctors and parents hovering. He needed to understand and process what Daphne had told him along with all the information his memory provided him.

“I made your Mom and Dad go home and get some rest for awhile.”

Justin’s heart raced at the sound of the voice. It wasn’t a doctor, nurse or his parents, it was Brian! He kept his breathing even, wondering if he should alert the man to his wakefulness.

“You’re in luck. This time around I didn’t bring ‘how to raise a baby’ books with me. Though, I suppose that information now might be useful. Too bad, you’re stuck with...”

“Brian,” Justin spoke softly, opening his eyes. He couldn’t and wouldn’t pretend with Brian. Brian was his friend and liked him just the way he was. Only, Justin knew he wasn’t exactly that person anymore either.

“You’re awake?” Brian asked, sitting in a chair beside Justin’s bed. “I should call the doctor or your parents...”

“Not yet,” Justin said, his throat scratchy. “Could you get me some water?”

“Yeah, sure.” Brian got up and walked into the bathroom, got a plastic cup with some tap water in it and returned to Justin’s bedside. “Here you go.”

Justin quenched his thirst, his hand shaking as he held onto the cup and he wondered just what medication he was on that would cause his body to act the way it was. “What d...did they give mmmm...me?”

“Something that nearly killed you,” Brian said gruffly. “You were allergic to it. The god damn paramedics told your mom and I we couldn’t ride with you because it was a smaller bus. She was so worried about you, she let them take you right away but she forgot to tell them about your allergies. You’re all right now. The shit they gave you to counteract it made you sleep.”

Justin swallowed thickly and asked, “Is that... is Daphne’s daughter really mine?”

Brian nodded. “Your mom and dad talked to them. They didn’t tell me much, but it sounds like while you were in the coma they knew you got Daphne pregnant, but Daphne’s parents forced her to move away. They told your parents that Daphne had a miscarriage and didn’t want any contact from them because they told them she thought you’d ruined her life.”

“Did I?” Justin asked worriedly.

“No, Daphne swears that was only what her parents said. Her parents told her that you hadn’t woken up but somehow I guess they found out you had. Mitchell, Daphne’s husband, called your mom and pretended to be a client wanting to meet her to find out if she would be back at your house. They thought you were probably with her. I don’t know many more details, but your Mom told me that the little girl, Justice is her name, she’s definitely yours. Do you remember what she looked like?”

Justin shook his head. “It’s foggy.”

“Well, she has skin about the color of mine but her features are all you. She’s beautiful.”

Tears welled in Justin’s eyes as the enormity of what he now was assaulted him. “I’m a dad,” he choked out. “I d...didn’t know.”

Brian reached out to hold Justin’s hand. “It’s pretty overwhelming.”

“I... I don’t know her,” Justin said regretfully. “Why didn’t they w...want me to know?”

“I don’t know,” Brian said, though he had a few guesses and each one made him sick. “The important thing is that Daphne wanted you to know your daughter, and Justice seemed to already know who you are. Do you remember her calling you Daddy?”

“Yes,” Justin answered. He looked Brian directly in the eyes and told him, “I remember, Brian.”

Brian smiled. “At first I thought she was calling Mitchell that, but after you passed out she was saying ‘Daddy got hurt’, so I knew she was talking about you. It seems like Daphne must have told her about you a lot for her to know you at first sight.”

Justin smiled softly but said once again, “I remember, Brian.” He clarified, “I remember everything. Every. Single. Thing.”