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Author's Chapter Notes:

 

I'm Baaaaack! Sorry about the delay in posting - Real life, midterms and actually having to work for a living got in the way of writing for a couple weeks. But, here is the next installment - Brian is finally getting the concept down that he can't fight fate. Can he accept the life he's been handed? Read on and see.  Enjoy! TAG

 

 

 

Chapter 20 - Zen and The Art of Twink Maintenance.

 

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<13.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

"Don't try to fix it. Don't try to fucking fix it." I'm repeating my new mantra to myself over and over but I don't know if it’s going to help.

 

Fuck Zen Ben and his philosophical bullshit. How exactly am I supposed to just sit here and watch this without either losing my mind, storming out in a fit of jealousy or punching out the lights of the presumptuous twink who thinks he's leaving with my Sunshine. And Justin, he's so fucking hot with that silly plastic 'King of Babylon' crown on, that its taking all I've got not to just pull him to his knees and start fucking him right here on the dance floor of Babylon. So, simply repeating to myself that I'm not supposed to be trying to change things isn't really helping right now.

 

Okay, I admit that Ben's advice has been pretty good so far. After that drunken evening of philosophyzing, I must have passed out in the taxi before I got home and ended up waking the next morning to ANOTHER reset. This time, though, I've tried to take Ben's advice and not try to fix things. And so far, I have to say, it’s been working pretty well - nobody's been beaten up, bashed, or tried to kill themselves, so it must be working, right?

 

I haven't done everything the way I did that first time around, of course. I'm not that person any more - a lot of the cruel shit I did back then is just impossible for me to contemplate today. So, for instance, when Justin came to see me the night after our first meeting, there's no way I could have sent him away crying with my standard bullshit speech about how I didn't DO relationships or love. Instead I took him right back upstairs and made love to him all night. I'll never again turn him away like that, I don't care what Ben's philosophy says I should do.

 

Oddly enough though, none of my actions seem to change much overall about this year. Like, even though I go ahead and get him the internship at Ryder - I love having him around all the time and I love getting the benefits of his amazing work - somehow he still ends up working a second part-time job at the Diner when Deb's short handed one afternoon and Justin volunteers to help her out. He ended up thinking that the job was pretty entertaining, it gave him an excuse to hang out in the Diner more and he loves the ego stroking he gets from all the guys flirting with him. So, in spite of my interference, Justin's right back where he was that first time around, working as a waiter at the Liberty Diner. Ben would probably just say it was 'fate' or something.

 

The whole rest of the year has sorta followed suit. I didn't bother trying to make friends with Craig or Jennifer and they eventually found out on their own that Justin was gay. Jennifer, as expected, stuck by her son even though she didn't really understand all his choices. Craig turned into a raving homophobic asshole, just as I expected him to. However, this time I was ready for him when he tried to ram my Jeep with his car and, not only was I wearing a seatbelt, but I'd kept the car in gear and was able to pull away before he could do more than just scrape up the fenders. I was also ready when Craig tried to ambush Justin and I outside Babylon the next night and neatly avoided the sucker punch that had previously sent me to the ground. This time we were a lot more evenly matched and I gave Craig as many good punches as he gave me. The outcome was the same though - Craig gave Justin an ultimatum and Justin bravely announced he would never go home again - and my Sunshine ended up just where I wanted him, living with me in my loft.

 

And, even though I couldn't ever be as deliberately mean to Justin as I had been originally, we still have our ups and downs. I guess that's normal for couples, although since I have no experience being a 'couple' I didn't really expect it. I thought that once I had him, that everything would just work out perfectly for us. Yeah, right! We still fight. I'm not even sure why we're fighting sometimes. But it was one of those fights that sent him running off to New York and, after the guys and I found him and brought him back to the Pitts, resulted in Justin moving to Deb's even though I still wanted him with me at the loft.

 

So, now it's May and somehow we're back to almost exactly where we were that first time. Again Justin and I got into some ridiculous fight - I don't even remember what we were fighting about now - and he decided to teach me a lesson about not taking him for granted by entering that stupid 'King of Babylon' contest. Of course the beautiful, sexy little shit won, hands down. Now, he's trying to taunt me into reacting by picking up the twink who was standing next to me at the bar.

 

I hardly ever trick anymore, and never in front of Justin, and I definitely hadn't had anything to do with the little 'dreamboy' twink this time around. But, he happened to be there just when my obstreperous blond decided he needed to prove a point to me about how independent he can be. Which is why I'm now standing here repeating to myself that it won't do any good to try to fix this and at the same time contemplating either punching out the twink or throwing Justin over my shoulder and storming out.

 

"Justin. Cut it out and stop acting like a twat. I get the point, okay," I warn him as he stands next to me smirking.

 

"I don't think you do, Brian," he continues the rant he'd started on before we even got to Babylon tonight. "I'm not just your boy toy that you can do whatever you want with. You can't just order me not to come to the club or to stay away from someone you don't like."

 

"I wasn't trying to order you to do anything, Justin," I try again with an exasperated sigh. "I just didn't want to come here tonight and I wanted to spend the night with you. I thought you'd rather spend the night with me than hanging out with a thousand other half naked men."

 

As soon as I say the words I want to bang my head against the wall. First of all, when the fuck did Brian Kinney become the type to pass up ANY opportunity to commune with a roomful of semi-naked men? I'm pretty sure I had my dick with me when I came in tonight, so where the fuck did I lose it? And why is it this annoying blond twink can get to me like this and make me say or do the most out of character things?

 

Secondly, I know that the words I've just said are a lie. I did want to keep my Sunshine away from here tonight. Since I already know how the night will end, and that it's going to hurt like a bitch when I see him with that other man, can you blame me for at least trying for a different outcome? Ben's the wanna be Buddhist monk, not me - I'd look terrible in orange robes - I can only handle so much Zen.

 

Either way, my words now only serve to push Justin in the one direction I'm dreading. The independent little fuck has a point to make and he's not going to be stopped. 'Dreamboy' seems more than willing to go along with anything King Justin has in mind.

 

"You don't own me, Brian," my Twinkie ball & chain states angrily, then turns to 'dreamboy' who's been watching the entire discussion raptly. "Come on, Sean. You're hot. I've been watching you and you make me want to fuck all night. Let's get out of here."

 

"Justin. Please," I hear myself start to plead before I can bite my tongue

 

"I guess we could have a three-way," Dreamboy suggests, doubt heavy in his voice, "but he is kinda old."

 

That comment brings an evil gleam to Justin's piercing blue eyes. "And we're kinda outta here," he adds as he smirks once more in my direction before leading his new playmate down the stairs towards the backroom.

 

So, I know I can't fix this. I know it. It's kismet, right? This is payback for something I did in one of my past lives - probably the one where I killed Craig. Knowing I can't change it doesn't help much though. And, knowing what I'm going to see and how much it's going to hurt doesn't stop me from following down those stairs to watch as my Sunshine fucks the little Dreamboy.

 

You'd think I would have been prepared and therefore it would hurt less, right? Wrong. I see my blond with his pants down below his ass, the twink pressed against the wall under the stairs and Justin rocking into him with this beautiful, ecstatic, mesmerized look on his face and I'm devastated all over again. I feel hollow. It's like someone took a corkscrew to my chest, pulled out some invisible cork and let everything that was me drain out of my body. All that's left is this husk of pain and betrayal.

 

If all that Zen shit Ben told me is true, then this moment, this pain, this feeling of abandonment is necessary somehow. Fuck if I can I see how. How the fuck is having my guts wrenched out of me supposed to make me a better person? All I want to do is hit something or someone. I don't need this. I don't need to be reminded of what a shit I am or how I'm not worth his love. Fuck this Zen shit!

 

I saw when I came in that Rod, one of my least favorite bouncers, is working the door tonight. Luckily, Rod has a ridiculously short fuse. And I feel like lighting a match.

 

"Hey, Rod," I drawl as I casually saunter up to lean against the wall just inside the doorway where he's stationed tonight.

 

"Kinney," he replies laconically without bothering to do more than glance in my direction.

 

"I need a favor, Rod. I need you to deck me," I tell him calmly, which instantly gets his full attention.

 

"What the fuck are you talking about, Kinney," Rod replies, flexing his massive biceps as he scratches his head with one meaty paw.

 

"I want you to hit me square in the face, really hard."

 

"What shit are you high on tonight? Why the hell would I deck you, Kinney?"

 

"Well, you'll probably want to hit me because I just came from your mama's house and, even though she's got saggy tits and her twat smells like rotting fish, I went ahead and fucked her anyway," I say as nonchalantly as I can manage, although I almost choke on the distasteful words as I say them.

 

It takes almost a full minute for the sense of my words to filter through Rod's thick skull before he starts to seethe with anger. It's kinda interesting watching his face go from blank, stoic idiocy to confused meathead to outraged behemoth. By the time his face turns an ugly purple red, I swear I can almost see steam coming out his ears.

 

Of course, that's the last thing I see right before the ham-sized fist cocks back and slams dead center into my face, igniting a swarm of electric white lights that explode across my vision.

 

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<14.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

*Beep, beep, beep*

 

"Ahhh," I sigh as I switch off the alarm and then roll over to gather my Sunshine into my arms in a tight squeeze. "Much, much better."

 

"Morning," my blond says with a nice little naked wiggle as he squirms even closer to me.

 

"Good morning, Sunshine," I say as I expertly roll him onto his back with me on top. "You know, pretty boy, I have this uncanny feeling that in our past lives you've been a naughty little tease who has constantly done whatever he could to annoy me. Therefore, it's only right that you suffer your punishment in this life, don't you think? It's Karma."

 

"Ummm . . . " the confused blond looks up at me with an enticing mix of uncertainty and anticipation that makes me rock hard in an instant. "What kind of punishment?"

 

"First, pretty boy, I'm going to spank you until your ass is bright red and hot to the touch. Then, I'm going to get my revenge by spending the rest of the day fucking your ass into the mattress over and over until you beg me to stop," I growl softly into his perfectly shaped ear.

 

"Okay," Justin says with an impish grin as he wiggles under me causing our hard cocks to slide against each other, bringing out tandem moans.

 

I'm actually kinda getting to like these resets, I guess.

 

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

"Ben, I need another philosophy lesson," I state as I barrel into Professor Bruckner's office and flop into the chair in front of his desk.

 

"Uh, it's Brian, right? I haven't seen you since . . ." Ben looks at me completely confused by my presence.

 

"Since the White Party, yeah," I interrupt him so that I can hopefully skip over the intro lesson this time. "So, just put on your Zen hat for a minute and imagine that in a past life we already had this conversation and you told me all about Karma and Kismet and how I have to learn to accept things and not try to change everything. Yada, yada, yada. I got all that. What I need to know is what I do if I can't accept something. How does that work?"

 

"Alright," Ben says as he leans back into his desk chair, pushes his glasses up his nose and then steeples his fingers. "I can accept that we've already had this conversation and that Brian Kinney is sitting in my office discussing philosophy. And I'm assuming this isn't some kind of practical joke. Then, if we talked about the concept of kismet we must have talked about the nature of fate, right?"

 

"Well, if we did, it must have been after the first twelve beers cause I don't remember that part," I confess, snarky mask hopefully still in place.

 

"Oh. It was one of those conversations. I see," Ben laughs his big open laugh that always sets everyone around at ease, even me. "Okay. So, if there really is such a thing as fate then, by definition, it's inevitable and you can't really fight it. Right? It's your fate - it's going to happen no matter what you do. You can't change your fate. You can rail against it, complain, make yourself sick with remorse and worry but it won't do you any good."

 

"You're saying, again, that I need to just accept what's going to happen and not try to fight it," I grouse at him. "But what if the thing that's going to happen is horrible. What if it's going to hurt someone you love. How do you simply sit back and watch someone you care about being hurt and just accept it? I can't fucking do that, Ben. How does anyone do that?"

 

"That's sort of the point of fate, Brian. You have to accept it and just make the best of it. In some cultures, it's thought that, until the individual can do that - accept the inevitable and yet still strive to be the best person he can be even in the face of adversity - he'll be condemned to repeating that same life over and over again until he reaches enlightenment."

 

"Yeah, tell me about it," I reply sarcastically. "Fuck. I don't think I can do it."

 

"Look at it this way," Ben leans forward, getting into his subject. "What if you knew, without a doubt, that you were going to die tomorrow. What would you do? Would you spend the whole day crying and moping or would you go out and make the most of your last day?"

 

"In a way, that's what we have to deal with every day of our lives, we just don't realize it. You, me, someone you love - we could each of us die tomorrow. That's why it's so important to make the most of each day. Tell the person you love how much you love him and make all the good days as great as possible because you never know when the bad days are coming. Then fate won't be able to touch you."

 

"Shit. I think I liked this conversation better when we did it drunk," I say as I start to stand up. "When I hear it sober it sounds too much like a fucking Hallmark greeting card. But, whatever. Thanks, Ben."

 

"You're welcome, Brian. So, where are you off to now?" Ben asks, standing too as he reaches out, offering to shake my hand.

 

"I'm going home and fuck him again, of course. Isn't that what you just told me to do - make the most of every moment together and shit?" I reply over my shoulder as I'm heading out the door. "So, I'm going to go fuck him again and hope that it’s enough."

 

"Good luck, Brian," I hear Ben say and his words and laughter follow me down the hallway as I head back to my car and eventually back to my fate.

 

<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

When I make it back to the loft after leaving Ben's office, I'm happy to see that my sleepy twink is still curled up snoring in bed. I leave the bag of takeout Thai on the kitchen counter and make a beeline to the bed, pulling my clothes off along the way. I slide in under the covers next to the toasty warm body of the beautiful blond who immediately scoots closer and wraps his arms around my waist.

 

"You're back," he purrs. "How's your friend?"

 

"Ben? He's fine. He wasn't the one in need of moral guidance, though. It was me."

 

Justin chuckles softly. I look down on him with one eyebrow raised, silently asking him what was so funny. This only brings on more chuckling and encourages me to squeeze him to me even tighter.

 

"The way you bolted and ran out of here spouting that you had to talk to a friend, yelling at me to stay put, I thought there was some emergency," Justin confesses as his hand starts to stray, making indecipherable symbols on my chest. "So, what has you in such a moral quandary, Mr. Kinney?"

 

"I had to ask Ben what to do about you, of course," I tease, relaxing into the pillow and allowing myself to enjoy the tickling sensations that trail wherever his hand goes.

 

"Me? Well, what did you two decide to do with me?" He demands, just a tad bit affronted at having been discussed behind his back.

 

"Oh, Ben convinced me to keep you," I boldly state while trying to hide a smile.

 

"Well, good," Justin smiles and settles his head back comfortably on my chest, just the way I like it. "You know, I've always liked Ben."

 

"You twat," I complain affectionately, emphasizing my words with a kiss to the side of his head. "But it’s true. When you do finally meet, you and Ben will get along great, Sunshine."

 

"What else did you and Ben decide about me?" Justin asks with that innocent curiosity that I hope he never loses.

 

"Well, he said that in his professional opinion, and of course I'm only paraphrasing here, but that I should fuck you silly every chance I get and make sure I enjoy every minute of it."

 

"Mmmmm. Yeah, I really, really like Ben," Sunshine smiles, throws off the covers and climbs up my body till he's straddling my hips. "I think you should always take his advice, Brian. In fact, I think we should start taking it right now."

 

Justin leans down and bites at my lower lip while his hands brace against my chest, his fingertips brushing tantalizingly across my nipples. I reach around to grab hold of that perfect bubble butt and I have to smile at the heat of his skin, still slightly warm from his spanking earlier. The delicious memory of how eagerly Justin took his 'punishment' was all it took to renew my hard on. I let my fingers knead that warm, firm flesh, relishing the feel and enjoying the reaction I get from my wanton blond who's clearly ready for more.

 

Making the most of my day, I efficiently flip our bodies over so that my pretty boy is pinned under me. I start to kiss down his neck and chest, nibbling and tasting along the way. His smooth, perfect skin is slightly sweaty from the heat of the blankets and he tastes salty sweet. I love his taste - his skin, his mouth, his cum. I lick my way lower, leaving a couple of harder bites along the way. There’s this electricity between the two of us that sparks everywhere that our bodies touch and each little bite causes a tingle of heat to radiate out, pulsing through my body and reverberating in my achingly hard cock.

 

I graze over his nipples on my way, blowing softly on the wetness that my tongue leaves, causing goosebumps to sprout on his skin and eliciting a gasp from my happy blond. I don’t linger though because I have a much more sumptuous target in mind. As I keep going, I nip at his taut abdominal muscles, wondering fleetingly again how he manages to stay so lithe while he eats so much and never exercises - good genes, I guess.

 

When I reach the fragile, thin skin of his loins, I nibble more lightly. I’m intent on tasting every centimeter of his delicious skin while working my way to his center. My nose is tickled by his soft golden pubes as I near his solid, warm cock. I feel the warmth of it against my cheek as I move and I let the silky smooth skin slide along the side of my face, my eyes closed while I soak in the tantalizing feeling. Justin moans at the barely-there contact, wanting more. I’m holding his hips still as I nuzzle into his crotch, breathing in his musky aroma, exciting me even more, if that’s possible.

 

Finally, I turn my head and let myself take a taste of that straining, pulsing rod. I lick up the hard, smooth shaft and taste the dripping tip, savoring every drop. Fuck, it’s ambrosia! It’s so hard to hold back at this point, once I’ve tasted him. But I want more tonight than just that fleeting taste and, though I love to suck his cock more than almost anything, tonight I want to possess him completely. I only let myself lick at the firm yet soft head for a moment more and then I pull back so that I can continue my exploratory journey lower still.

 

Bending his legs up and cupping my arms underneath his body so that I have better access, I gently lave at his sack, taking each ball into my mouth briefly and getting pleasure from the feeling of the heaviness inside. I then softly suck along his raphe until I can reach what’s waiting below. I lightly lick lower, my tongue trailing deeper into his crack until I brush across the tight little pucker hiding there. I suck at the outer ridges and nibble at the tender skin, making the area dripping wet with my saliva. When I finally reach inside with my tongue, exploring each ridge of the tight ring of muscles, I have to groan at the overwhelmingly erotic sensations - Justin's smell, his taste, the warmth and closeness of the snug well.

 

Justin's whimpers and moans tell me when he's ready for me to move on, although I could probably keep rimming him for hours, since I get almost as much pleasure out of doing it as he gets on the receiving end. He's nice and wet now, though, which was my original purpose. Pulling back, I reach to the nightstand and grab a pre-lubed condom from the always-full bowl, rip the packet open and hand it to Justin. I love watching him put condoms on me with his long, nimble, artistic fingers. He rolls the latex down my straining shaft and I tingle at his touch as much as at the care with which he does this simple task.

 

Then it's time and I quickly line up my cock at that most intimate entrance, teasing a little as I playfully slide my dick up and down his crack still wet with my saliva. Each time I brush across his rosy red little pucker, his hips jerk upwards, eager to welcome me inside. When I do actually push in, he gasps and I love that I can take his breath away so effectively. Of course, the sensation of entering that hot, tight, deep well takes my breath away too and I'm probably gasping for air right along with my boy, but I'm so lost now in the delirious pleasure that I can't hear what noises either of us are making. All I can think of as I slide home into the depths is that this is exactly how I want to feel for the rest of my life and that I'll do whatever I have to in order to make this happen.

 

"Now, Brian. Fuck me!" Justin moans once he's adjusted and I'm more than happy to comply with his wishes.

 

Hitching his legs up higher onto my shoulders so that I can slide in even deeper, I start to move in and out slowly at first. His tight walls grip my cock snugly. I can’t hold back. I have to increase my pace or go mad from the neverending stimulation as I thrust and pump and rut mindlessly. This is my home. This is heaven. This is everything that I’ve ever wanted. I don’t want it to stop but it can’t go on because with each motion the electric tension builds until I feel like every nerve ending in my body is on fire. And then it all coalesces downward into the pit of my stomach, a huge ball of energy that explodes outward, leaving my body tingling and draining all my essence through my cock to cement the connection between my body and that of my lover.

 

Justin cums a moment afterward, his jizz shooting in thick creamy ropes across his stomach and chest. I try to keep still until his body finishes convulsing and then I collapse onto him. We lie together, panting as our hearts beat synchronously. I wish I never had to move again. I’d happily lie here, glued to Justin’s lithe body with his rapidly cooling cum, never pulling out, if that were at all possible. But, it isn’t, unfortunately, so before I get too soft I roll to the side and pull out, but I don’t let go of my sweet blond.

 

My heart is aching. I don’t want to let him go. I don’t want to let anything, EVER hurt him. I love this young man so much. I love Justin. I can’t tell him now, of course, because he thinks we just met last night, but I know that we’ve been together forever. I’ve finally convinced myself that I can’t control everything and I can’t protect him no matter how much I want to. Our lives will be what they will be. Everytime I try to fix things, I just make it worse. It’s time to concede that fate has won and I can’t fight it anymore.

 

Time to take Ben’s advice, I guess. I have to let go - relinquish any pretense of control and just accept where my life will take me. It’s hard, but I’ve tried everything else and no matter what, it’s always ended up back at this same point - this same day. I guess that I wouldn’t be the man I am today if my life hadn’t been the way it was. I probably wouldn’t know how much I love Justin if I hadn’t lived through all the pain and discord we’ve had to weather. All I do know for certain is that I want to be with him and love him forever and, if the only way I can do that is to accept the future that I know is coming, I’ll do it and I’ll somehow survive it even though I’ll feel like dying everytime Justin gets hurt.

 

“Justin,” I whisper into the ear of the wondrous man lying next to me, just as he starts to fall into a deep sleep. “Whatever happens - no matter what comes next - I’ll be there for you. I love you and I want to be with you no matter what. We can do this. We can make the most of whatever happens. Just know that I wouldn’t change anything, because everything that happens brings me closer to you. I’ll wait for you, Justin. Whatever it takes. I’ll wait and I will accept whatever I have to get through to be with you.”

 

My Sunshine is already lightly snoring before I finish my little soliloquy. I leave one last kiss on his perfect, soft coral lips and then lay my head next to his on the pillows. Strangely enough, I feel an unfamiliar sense of peace as I finally drift off to join Justin in sleep.

 

 

Chapter End Notes:

 

Hope that wasn't too disjointed - I've had to write in little increments lately and it really messes with my creativity. The good news is that it looks like Brian's got it this time. So, what's going to happen next?  You'll have to keep reading to see. The final chapter(s) are coming soon.

 

 

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