Chapter 21 - Redemption.
“Hey,” Justin said dejectedly as he appeared out of nowhere and immediately plopped down crossways over the foot of the bed next to Jesse.
“Hey, yourself,” Jesse replied as he pulled off the headphones plugged into his stereo so they could talk.
Although, it didn't look like Justin was in the mood for much talking tonight. The usually ebullient and vivacious blond boy seemed depressed and sedate. Even the sixteen year old who'd been lying around listening to the kind of angst-filled, moody music typical of teenaged boys, found Justin’s demeanor to be a real downer, which was saying a lot. And, unfortunately, this wasn't the first time Jesse had been forced to put up with Justin in this condition. In fact, ALL Justin's moods seemed to be equally dismal these days.
Looking at his long-time friend, chewing at his bottom lip with a worried frown, Jesse decided that he'd finally had enough.
"So, what did Brian do this time?” Jesse asked, rolling over onto his right side so he could look directly at Justin.
"Why do you think Brian did anything?” Justin replied, although his face signaled no end to the boy’s nervous worrying.
"Because you've got that ‘I've been watching Brian’ look to you.” When Justin tried to pretend he didn't understand what that meant, Jesse elaborated. “Lately, whenever you come here after visiting Brian, you act like the world’s coming to an end, someone ran over your puppy, AND the Grinch stole your last Christmas present, all combined in the same afternoon.” Justin turned his head away from Jesse, looking instead at the far corner of the room, but didn't deny the allegations leveled at him. "Come on, Justin. You've been totally bummed out for so long now, it's driving me crazy. Just tell me what's going on. Maybe I can help.”
"I don't think anyone CAN help,” Justin moaned and flapped his hands demonstratively. “It's fucking hopeless.”
"Wow. Melodramatic much?” Jesse snarked, slapping his friend and confidant’s stomach lightly with one hand. "I know you still look like a kid, but aren't you in reality, like, fifty or something? Do you really have to sound like a whiny brat too? You're worse than me, and I'm actually - really - sixteen.” Justin shot him a LOOK, but all that did was earn him a chuckle. “So, fucking spill already, dude. What is it with this Brian Kinney guy anyway? I mean, yeah he's OK looking, but what is it about him that has you tied up in knots all the time?”
"It's just . . . Well . . . He's the one I'm supposed to be with. The man of my dreams. I know that sounds totally hokey but it's fucking true. I actually dreamed about him - saw his face, saw us together - back when I was still a kid. Brian is the man I was supposed to end up with. I'm not sure how I know that or why, I just know it's true. But then . . . Well, then this happened," Justin held his arms up, presenting himself as the prime exhibit in his own supernatural saga. "Now all I can do is watch Brian from afar and I feel so helpless because I can't do anything to help him. I can't be with him like this. And I'm worried. He's so alone and so sad all the time but there's nothing I can do . . .”
"Bullshit!” Jesse wasn't about to let his friend wallow in self-pity. "Why do you think there's nothing you can do? If he IS the guy you're supposed to be with - your soulmate - then go get him.”
"Yeah, right! In case you missed it - incorporeal being here. How the fuck do you think this will work? I can't be with Brian like THIS.” Justin gave up the pretense of lying totally dejected on the bed and got up to pace around the room instead. "Don't you think if I could figure out a way to work this I would? All I’ve ever wanted was to be with Brian. I just don't know how.”
"Again, dude, I call bullshit. So . . . I get it that you're dead and all. But, so what? You've never let that stop you before.”
"I'm not dead!" Justin exclaimed emphatically. "Well, I guess, yeah, I am technically, but not really. I don't know what I am. I don't feel dead. I'm not like a ghost or anything. I'm not haunting him or you. I just feel like I'm waiting, you know? Only, I don't know what I'm waiting for.”
"Fine. So you're not dead, but you're not alive. That's beside the point though. The point is that you want to be with Brian and I still don't see what's stopping you.” Jesse, in his typical teenage fashion, plowed right through all the seeming impossibilities, convinced somehow that the world should be fair. “Look . . . so what if nobody else in the world can see you or hear you. I can. And more importantly, Brian can. He's the only one that really matters, right? As long as Brian can see you and touch you, you're golden.”
"But it's not that easy. Brian doesn't want to see me. He hasn't wanted to see me or acknowledge that I even exist since he was younger than you are now.” Justin flopped back down on the bed again, seemingly defeated.
"Why, though? That has NEVER made sense to me. I mean, you’ve helped him his whole life. Why does he pretend that he can't see you?" Jesse sounded honestly stumped by Brian's behavior.
"I don't know. Maybe he's just afraid to seem different. Afraid people will think he's crazy if he says he sees someone who isn't there?” Justin smiled over at Jesse sympathetically.
"Yeah, well, on behalf of the admittedly crazy people of the world who do see things that aren't there, I get that,” Jesse grinned back at his own purportedly ‘imaginary friend’. “But then again, it's not like Brian needs to take out an ad in the Wall Street Journal announcing to the world that he sees dead people. He doesn't need to avoid you all the time. When you're alone, in private, what would be the harm in admitting the truth about what he sees and hears?”
"Well, whatever his reasons, I'm not going to force myself on him. If he doesn't want to be with me, I guess that's his choice.”
"What about what YOU want, Justin?" Jesse asked, his eyes filling with concern. "You've been watching out for this guy for what, like, thirty years? Just waiting for a chance to be with him? So, when does what YOU want or need come into play? If you ask me, you should just go for it. Fuck what Brian Kinney wants. If you want this Brian, you should let him know that. Tell him what you want. If it were me, I’d just get in his face and refuse to let him ignore me anymore.”
“What, like, stalk him or something?” Justin sat up, already seeming more energized. "Isn’t that a little creepy?”
"Maybe. But it's not like you can be arrested and thrown in jail or anything. Nobody except Brian will even know you're there,” Jesse chuckled conspiratorially. "Bottom line, if you want this guy as bad as I think you do, go do your ghost thing and haunt him.”
~**~**~**~**~**~
Brian staggered to his Jeep, fumbling with the keys a moment before he managed to get them in the lock and the door open, and then tiredly climbed into the driver’s seat. It was late. He'd taken his time fucking through the line up at the Baths earlier in the evening, then made his way to Babylon for some late-night drinking, drugging and more fucking. He squinted at the clock built into the dashboard and groaned a little when he saw that it was already 2:45 in the morning. Seven am, the time his alarm would go off so he could make it to work on time, would be arriving far too soon for his taste. Whatever. It wouldn't be the first time.
He shoved the keys into the ignition, twisted them until the engine roared to life, shifted into gear and then pulled out of the club parking lot. It was a dark night, and pouring rain out, which only reinforced the conviction that he probably shouldn't be driving in his condition. However, since Brian had blown off Mikey, his permanently designated driver, he didn't have much choice if he wanted to get both himself and his Jeep home before dawn. Luckily it was only a mile or two, and it wasn't the first time Brian had driven drunk, stoned or both - so far he'd always been lucky.
It wasn't until he pulled up to the first stoplight, that Brian turned his head to the right and noticed that the passenger seat contained a passenger. Luckily, the car was already stopped at the time. Otherwise, the surprise, on top of his inebriated state, probably would have resulted in a car accident. It didn't help matters much, either, that this particular passenger was more of a shock to him than anyone else on the planet would've been.
"W-W-What . . . What the fuck?” Brian stuttered, his hands fumbling at the seat belt buckle, trying to free himself in order to escape from the now haunted vehicle.
"I think you've had enough fucking for one night, don't you?" Justin replied with a grim grin. "By the way, the light’s green.”
“You . . . you . . . you can't be here. This is NOT real. You're not really here.” Brian exclaimed loudly, ignoring both the traffic signal and the car honking behind him. “Shit! What the hell was in that Ecstasy Anita sold me?”
“Sorry, Brian, but you and I both know I AM here. You can pretend all you want that you don't hear me or see me, but that's not going to make me go away again.” Justin looked determined, which was not at all reassuring to poor spooked Brian. “You see, a friend of mine gave me some good advice earlier this evening - he told me that if I really want to be with you, I shouldn't let you push me away. And he was right. So, here I am. You need me, and I want to be here with you, so that's just the way it's going to be from now on. Get used to it, because I'm not going anywhere.”
“But . . . but . . . but . . . You're not real. You can't be. I made you up. I was just a sad, lonely, scared little boy and I needed a friend so I made you up. Lots of children have imaginary friends. But you're not really here now. You can't be.”
“Come on, Brian. Be honest with yourself. You know that's not true. I know you haven't forgotten all those nights we spent together when you were a boy. Me keeping you company, telling you stories, trying to keep you safe and keep away the fear. Maybe, as you got older, you tried to convince yourself that I wasn't real - and for the most part I let you - but you know the truth,” Justin reached out with his left hand, grabbing hold of Brian's wrist, feeling the warmth of the bare skin under his fingertips. "Feel that? I know you can. That feels real to me.”
"No. No. This just can't be . . . It's the booze and the drugs . . . I'm delusional. I'm seeing things. Hearing things. Maybe I should go to the hospital?”
Justin let loose with golden peals of laughter. "You're fine, Brian. You don't need to go to the hospital. You'll probably feel like shit tomorrow morning and have one hell of a hangover, but you're not delusional.” Justin let go of Brian's hand and turned in his seat to face forward. "Why don't you just drive us home for now. You're in no condition tonight to talk about anything serious. Don't worry though, I'll still be around tomorrow morning. We can talk then.”
~**~**~**~**~
*Beeeeeeeeeeeeep. Beeeeeeeeeeeeep. Beeeeeeeeeeeep.*
Brian rolled over in bed, slapping blindly at the nightstand in order to shut off the blaring alarm clock. It took a few tries, but in the end he was successful. Then he rolled back onto his pillow and moaned. His head felt like there was a teeny tiny man inside his cranium operating a miniature jackhammer that was chipping away at the bones of his skull. The taste in his mouth brought to mind dirty gym socks, combined with used cat litter and the contents of a week-old ashtray. If he didn't have to piss so bad, he might have just rolled over and gone back to sleep.
With eyes only partially opened, he struggled out of bed and shuffled over to the bathroom. He didn’t bother to switch on the lights - that would just hurt his head even more and he was familiar enough with the room’s layout to accomplish his tasks without seeing. After pissing, he managed to swallow a handful of aspirin before stumbling back towards the bed. He climbed under the covers once more, planning on dozing for about fifteen minutes or until the pain relievers kicked in, whichever came first.
While he dozed, Brian tried to think back over the night before and remember exactly why he felt so shitty this morning. This was a regular routine for him on mornings after the nights before. It was a comforting process and helped to get his brain kick started before he moved on to thinking about what he needed to accomplish during the upcoming day. For some reason, though, this morning his brain didn’t really want to delve too closely into the night before. Brian knew he was forgetting something important, but it was too early and he was too hungover to put much effort into remembering quite yet. So, instead of expending more of his short stock of energy, Brian decided to roll over and bury himself deeper into the pillows.
Only, when he rolled over onto his left side and reached up to secure another pillow, Brian encountered something wholly unexpected - a warm body.
“Damn it!” Brian cursed loudly enough to cause the pain in his head to throb again. “Okay, buddy, what part of ‘no overnight tricks’ was too difficult for you to understand?”
“Well, first of all, I’m not a trick. And secondly, I think we already covered the fact that I’m not leaving and I don’t care what you want anymore,” an all-too-recognizable voice answered calmly.
“What the hell?” The voice that wasn’t supposed to be there got Brian’s instant attention and he sat up in spite of his pounding headache.
“Morning!” said the blond boy vision that was occupying the far side of Brian’s bed.
“What the fuck are YOU doing here?” Brian moaned and collapsed back into the pile of pillows.
“Just waiting for you to wake up,” Justin answered cheerfully while sporting a huge smile and demonstrating far too much enthusiasm for this early in the morning as far as Brian was concerned. “I did get up and try to make you coffee, but unfortunately it looks like coffee makers are among those mechanical items that we incorporeal beings are for some reason not allowed to operate. Which is just stupid if you ask me. I mean, in the grand scheme of the universe, how is it fair that I can’t even get a coffee maker to work? How is my making you coffee going to screw up the laws of physics? It’s just so frustrating sometimes . . .”
*uuuhhhhhnnnnn* Brian’s small whimper caused Justin to pause in his diatribe against the unfairness of his personal metaphysics. “Why? Why are you doing this to me?”
“I’m here because you need me, Brian,” Justin answered simply, wondering if there was any way to actually avoid having the argument that he knew was coming.
“That’s such a load of crap!” Brian insisted staunchly. “I don’t need you. I don’t NEED anyone. I can take care of myself just fine, thank you very much. So, feel free to just scurry off back to outer space or the mists of time or wherever else it is that people . . . ghosts . . . spirits . . . whatever-it-is-you-are come from.”
“No.” Justin remained where he was, sitting up in the bed with his back leaning against the headboard and his arms crossed stubbornly across his chest.
“NO? You don’t get to just say ‘no’,” Brian was now thoroughly pissed off and he sat up too so that he was face to face with his overly persistent apparition. “This is my loft and my life. You can’t just say ‘no’. I don’t want you here. I don’t need you or anybody else to babysit me and I’m all grown up so I don’t need an imaginary friend anymore. Now get the fuck out!”
“No.” Justin maintained without raising his voice or getting even a tiny bit flustered by Brian’s impotent rage.
“Damn it, Justin! Get OUT!” Brian yelled, standing up from the bed, grabbing the blond boy by the arm and physically hauling him through the loft towards the front door.
Justin didn’t struggle or fight against Brian’s strong arm techniques. He passively trotted along and let Brian shove him out the door without saying a word. Brian waved facetiously as he slammed the door closed in Justin’s face and locked it tight. Then he turned around and . . .
Ran smack dab into Justin again.
“You can’t get rid of me that easily, Brian,” Justin announced, standing his ground with his legs spread wide and his arms still crossed.
“Fuck!” Brian spat, turning and slamming the side of his fist against the closed metal loft door.
Of course, that didn’t help at all and only served to cause his hand to throb painfully in time with his aching head. This was really NOT Brian’s day. With yet another defeated whimper, Brian sagged against the door, eventually turning around so that he could let his body slide down the cool metal surface until he was huddled on the floor with his back to the portal.
For a moment Justin watched the man he'd spent a lifetime caring for as Brian huddled on the floor and sulked. Knowing Brian as well as he did - knowing all the disappointments that had gone into making him the man he was today - it wasn't that hard for Justin to understand what was going through the beautiful brunet head. Brian had given up on finding happiness and relegated himself to some kind of halfway existence where not being actively hated was somehow good enough. He no longer believed he deserved happiness, let alone pure unselfish love, and anyone that came to him spouting unproven promises of such things was automatically suspect. Justin wasn't going to be deterred though. He wasn't going to simply sit back, continuing to do nothing while Brian sank further and further into an unhappy, unfulfilled existence.
If Brian wasn't ready to hear the words, Justin would show him through his actions.
Justin stepped over and let himself sink to the floor next to Brian.
“Brian, I know this isn’t easy for you. I know that you don’t want to see me or have anything to do with me. But you have to understand - I just can’t stand seeing you like this anymore,” Brian started to protest, but Justin held up a hand, halting the interruption. “You know, I was there the day you were born. I used to know things, sometimes, before they would happen, so I knew about you even before then. But the day you were born, I stole my brother’s car, drove to the hospital and snuck into the nursery just so I could be with you. I could see right away that you were perfect and I knew that we were meant to be together. I didn’t know exactly how it was going to work - I still don’t - but I knew I could never again bear to be without you. And I promised you right then and there that I would never leave you and I would do whatever it took to keep you safe no matter what . . .”
Justin could feel more than hear Brian’s sigh at this unwanted confession and knew that his window of opportunity to explain things to his charge was shrinking, so he hurried on. “I know I’ve failed you in that regard. Not that I didn’t try, but being crushed in a car accident on the way home from the hospital that day kinda derailed all my plans. Even then, though, I didn’t give up on you. I’ve tried to be there for you - to do whatever was in my power to protect you. And maybe I wasn’t able to protect you from Jack or Joan or Lars or any of the others who have tried their best to break you, but I can and will be here to protect you from yourself.”
“So,” Justin rose to his feet and extended a hand down to help Brian up as well. “No matter how much you protest, I’m not going anywhere. I promised that I would always be there for you and nothing you say or do is going to make me break that promise.” Justin moved so that he was standing directly in front of Brian, slipping his arms around the taller man’s waist and looking up at him with all the adoration and love he had pouring out of every pore of his body. “And, really, Brian . . . If death can’t keep me away, do you really think you stand a chance?”
Slowly, Brian’s arms floated up until they were resting on Justin’s shoulders. Brian had been looking into those open, trusting and completely artless blue eyes the whole time the young man was talking. He didn’t want to trust what he was hearing. He’d been burned so many times in the past . . . But, then again, it wasn’t looking like he could do anything to stop Justin either, so maybe . . .
Brian’s head dropped forward until his chin was resting lightly on top of the shorter youth’s blond head. As impossible as this whole situation seemed, it somehow felt right to Brian too. On one hand, he didn’t believe in any of that destiny crap the boy was spouting. But, at the same time, he couldn’t really deny his own senses any longer. If Justin wasn’t real, and all this was just a whacky drug-induced hallucination, it was a damn good one. He also remembered how stubborn and obstinate Justin had always been, and knew that there was no way he was going to dissuade him once he’d gotten ahold of an idea. So it looked like Brian would simply have to put up with the kid sticking around.
And, really, what was so bad about that?