BEFORE I LET GO: CHAPTER 3

BARRY

I just got off the phone with Ben. After hearing the plan Alex came up with, and even though he was beyond skeptical that this would work, he agreed that he and Michael should take the opportunity to get out of Pittsburgh while undergoing marriage counseling. Although Debbie, Michael’s mother, has been supportive of the marriage, it has never stopped her from butting in where she’s not wanted nor needed. According to Ben, since their very public confrontation, the woman has been asking everyone what the problems in all the relationships were. Based on that, we both agreed that it was only a matter of time before Debbie showed up at their door to defend Michael and discount Ben’s feelings. It’s not that she’s a bad mother; she just has an unrealistic view of her ‘baby’. In Deb’s eyes, Michael is a misunderstood man who is caring and only wants the best for those around him. And that he can only be that way if everyone includes him in every aspect of their lives.

The funny thing is that he is just like her in many aspects. She cares to the pointing  of smothering. Michael cares to the point of suppressing. Neither of them allow for the people they consider ‘family’ to branch out, make their own decisions, and live with the consequences. If the outcome isn’t favorable, they take ‘I told you so’ to another level. They delight in projecting thoughts like ‘Well if you had listened to me…’ and ‘You should’ve done it the way I said…’ What I would like to know is who died and made them God of all they survey? Until the last few years, Debbie hadn’t even had a close relationship outside of Michael and her deceased brother, Vic. So how would she really know what it takes to make a relationship- a marriage- work since that wasn’t on her list of accomplished goals until very recently? Deb will forcibly tell you her opinion, whereas Michael whines his audience into submission until it’s just easier to agree with him for both physical relief and quiet and peace of mind. Both of them are emotional bullies, but whereas Debbie Novotny might not realize it, Michael certainly does.

I ended the call, and grabbing a drink of my own, moved out to the balcony of our uu to think about my own situation with Alex. The conversation with Ben in reference to the nosy Novotnys has me rethinking the wisdom of becoming a parent. If Debbie’s child-rearing skills- or lack thereof- is anything to go by, it is very easy to cross the line between doing what’s right by a child and solving things for them to the point where they don’t learn coping skills. Basically put, it’s easy to fuck up another human being and call it love. Do I really want that type of responsibility? Alex has said quite plainly that he doesn’t. He loves our life together the way it is. We work when we have to, we fuck, and fight without reservation and without the worry that little ears will hear and think they’re the cause of it. After his work with Justin Taylor, I can honestly say I see his point to a certain extent.

Craig Taylor had, on more than one occasion, placed the dissolution of his marriage on Justin’s shoulders. Of course that is bullshit; no kid has the power to break up a marriage. But it affected the young man to the point where he systematically destroyed his own in guilt. Many don’t know that Craig’s opinion of Justin played a key role in how the young man perceived himself and his relationship with Brian at the time. If your own parent instills the thought that you’re toxic, on top of your lover’s best friend reinforcing the same thought, then it must be true, right? I remember Alex coming home so angry at how that young man was treated by his father after almost losing his life. And although his mother was trying to find her way in the dark when dealing with Justin, she at least was trying. His father had simply written him off, until Justin would bow down and live the life that Craig Taylor mandated. Alex had declared that this was part of the reason he’d never wanted children. He never wanted to put that kind of pressure on someone he was genetically tied to; never wanted his opinion of his offspring’s life choices to become a bone of contention. In short, he never wanted to become his own father.

At the time, I could understand the anger. Alex’s father was a true bastard, who ruled not only his home with an iron fist, but the business world as well. When Alex had gone to him to tell him that he wanted to be a Psychiatrist, instead of the head of a multi-billion dollar corporation, his father had beaten him black and blue and told him that as long as there was breath in the body that linked Alex to him, Alex would do what he was told to do. Alex had tried to sever that tie… permanently. He jumped in his car and wrapped it around a tree that night in an effort to get away from his father, knowing that there would be no place on earth he could run and hide. Thankfully, it only resulted in Alex being put in a medically-induced coma for ten days while his punctured lung was repaired and twenty broken bones were reset.

During that time, Alex’s mother handed his father divorce papers, which caused the old man to have a heart attack. He passed shortly after the coma was lifted. I know that it still haunts Alex that he wasn’t able to make peace at some point with his father, although he’s worked through it long before now. So that was why Justin’s situation with Craig Taylor touched him so deeply. Brian’s father may have hated Brian, but Brian had known that from the time he was little. Alex and Justin had ‘proud’ fathers until they decided to carve their own paths through life. Regardless of the situation, it always resulted in the same thing… emotional abuse. And as a result, I’m sitting here trying to figure out if my desire to have a child is about to ruin the best relationship I’ve ever had in my life.

I was startled when the object of my deep thoughts came out onto the balcony and took the seat next to me. I hadn’t heard him come in. Taking a long look at him, I knew that his meeting with the Taylor-Kinneys had drained him emotionally, but there was something else in his eyes. It looked strangely like hope.

“So are the Novotny-Bruckners going to the island?”

I cleared my throat before I answered him. “Ben said they were. He’s worried that if Michael has an ally, he won’t face the problems plaguing their marriage.”

Alex chuckled. “Yeah, Debbie is just as blind as her son when it comes to his wrongdoings. I think Ben knows that if he has any hope of seeing what Michael really thinks and feels about him, it’s best done away from Pittsburgh and the smothering distraction of his mother-in-law.”

“I’m still not convinced that this strategy will work. Michael is… Quite frankly, Michael is a special kind of pest, with the attention span of a gnat unless it has to do with his friends and their lives. How are you going to keep Michael from reaching out to the other couples?”

“If by the other couples you’re talking specifically about Brian and Justin, you don’t have to worry about it. We’ve devised a plan to make sure that Michael is cut off from communicating with them by the usual means. Also, remember how the island is set up. Each area is like a resort in itself, with the main building in the middle. Even if somehow he’s able to walk the grounds, each villa is so widespread away from the main building that he would never find them. Same for the others.”

I relaxed a little at his reminder of how Seascape is set up. I remember the first time we toured the island, trying to find the perfect location for our luxury couples only resort. I swear I could feel a change in the air the minute I stepped on the grounds. It was as if it was just waiting for us to find it. The atmosphere there is peaceful, and although it’s a place for couples to reconnect, many just love to visit there for vacation. The villas though, are reserved for our clients with very specific needs. Those are the ones with the tremendous decision of staying together or living separate lives on their top priority list. The villas allow the couple to talk, fuss, fight, and fuck without the rest of the resort being able to hear what’s being done or said. There are six of them on the island. Perhaps Alex and I should have one of the remaining two.

As if he heard me, he said, “No Barry. We don’t need a villa. We’ll figure out what we need to while we’re there, but it won’t be to the extent that these others need the villas. But we will take advantage of the island itself.”

I smiled, happy in the knowledge that we haven’t gotten so bad that we require being secluded from the main resort on the island. It means that pass or fail, we’re still talking, not fighting. There’s still hope for us to resolve this in a manner that will leave us together, for better or worse. And that means everything to me right now. Standing up, I extend my hand downward in an invitation for him to join me.

“Come on, Love. Let’s go to bed.”

“To sleep?”

I chuckle at the innocent sounding question when I know it was anything but. “Afterwards.” And I outright laugh at the speed in which he ran into the house.