IN AND OUT CHAPTER 3
BEN
When Barry called me tonight, I was almost expecting him to tell me to run for the hills because there was just no way to save my marriage. I was just about at that the place where I’m about to concede the point. I mean, after all, instead of being with me after I stormed out of the conference room earlier, Michael went to hang out at Woody’s with his friends. Don’t get me wrong… the guys are my friends too, but they are also his enablers.
I knew coming into this relationship that Michael had a problem with two things: letting go of Brian and change. It seems that lately- or should I say for the past few years- one has become synonymous with the other. Brian has changed in many ways, except one. He’s still the most important of Michael’s collectibles. I know that’s a strange way to describe the Brian and Mikey Show, but it’s the most apt description. Brian tends to use Michael as an escape, but Michael uses Brian as his crutch, which only happens when he feels the man stepping out of the box that Michael has placed him in. Brian is an inordinately extraordinary man, so I can't understand why he constantly lets himself be fit into Michael’s mold of who he is. I want to tell him so badly to stop. But if there is one thing I’ve learned in all the years of getting to know the man, beyond our first encounter at a White Party several years before becoming husband to his best friend, is that no one tells Brian Kinney to do anything… except maybe Justin.
Which brings me to question what the issue really is between them. Justin was on this scene longer than I have been. According to Michael, the young man was a one-night stand turned stalker; just a piece of blond boy ass who Brian keeps around for convenience when he’s too busy to trick. That may have been true at one time, prior to me meeting Michael, but I know there is more to that relationship. Whether Brian calls it such or not, it is and it exceeds past Michael’s basic explanation or understanding of it. I found that out last week during Partner-free week.
Justin was sitting in the Diner, laptop open and conducting business on his phone. It was a quiet atmosphere despite being full of people. I found it strange, because honestly, Liberty Diner is probably the least quiet place on earth. But as I looked around, I was surprised to find that the patrons were actually being respectful of the blond man in the back booth. It wasn’t because of anything Justin may have done or said, wasn’t done out of any overt nosiness, but because Justin- the man- commanded it without so much as a word. I had to really think about that, since when I’d first met him, he was a waiter in the place. He doesn’t even look like he shouldn’t still be one. His eternal look of youth belies his true age and his ability to juggle several business accounts, including those of Kinnetik, without so much as batting an eyelash. It was in his tone and the set of his shoulders as he issued orders over the phone to Cynthia regarding an account Brian had just landed. It occurred to me then, that this was the Justin Taylor that Michael was unable to see. In a way, he was as incognito as Brian, living under a spotlight and in a box Michael had specially crafted him to be in. It was eye-opening and humbling to witness.
That day, he and I struck up an actual friendship, beyond the superficial one that I seemed to have with the core group. Blake and Drew joined us. We spoke about any and everything from our partners to politics; from education to sports. Drew and I were mainly vocal there, but I never felt like I had to be the parent or older brother amongst them. I was just plain Benjamin James Bruckner and I was just fine with that. I also found out what Michael had done to Justin, before and after the bashing. I wondered how he survived it all. He even explained his ‘Ethan episode’ as he calls it, to me in such a way where all of us understood where he was coming from. I had to admit to myself then that I am mentally in the same place as Justin was during that time… the place where you feel more like a hinderance than a help; more like an extension than an individual; more like the arm candy with no substance. It wasn’t an enviable place then and it certainly isn’t now, not for any of us. So in essence, Club Michael had to be destroyed, but none of us knew how to do that. It isn’t that we don’t want them to be friends anymore. We all understand that as far as friendships go, they each have a certain functionality together. But it is only fair and logical to want our partners to put us first- me and Justin most of all. My husband has an agenda to see that it never happens, and I really can’t identify what it is. All I know is that I am getting sick and tired of it and refuse to become a collectible, as the rest of them have.
So when Barry called with the opportunity to go away for a while to work out our problems in relative privacy, I jumped at the chance, hoping that for once Michael would put us first, instead of his wants and needs.
“So what was the ultimatum?” Justin asks, bringing me back to the present.
“That we either take this trip to a resort called Seascape or he and I are history. My things are already in the car. I’m just waiting for Barry to make the arrangements. In the meantime, I’m staying in a hotel. I just can’t be in that house with Michael right now.”
“I completely understand, since it’s the same reason I’m not at the loft with Brian. Incidentally, I had just left there when Michael showed up. He wasn’t aware of it, although I heard everything he had to say about ‘the trick who Brian had stood him up for’.”
“So that explains it…”
“What?”
“Why Michael came home pissed and grumbling about friends who forget everything he’s done for them.” At Justin’s confused look, I continue to explain. “Michael had come in the house, arguing with Emmett about Drew being more important than him. I still have no idea what happened exactly, only that Emmett hung up on him. Same with Ted, except that Ted didn’t answer at all. When he turned to me, asking if I believed they did that, I simply shrugged and confirmed that I did.”
“I can’t believe it myself. How are you believing it?”
“Because from the little I gathered, Brian told Michael that if he costs him you, Brian would kill him. Of course, Michael threw a screeching sissy fit about how Brian was letting the trick come between them once again. I guess no one wanted to hear that description of you and wouldn’t let Michael voice his opinion, so they hung up before he could. Believe me, if I could have unheard it I would have.”
“Fuck! He just won’t quit, will he?”
“No, he probably won’t Justin. And I’m so sorry to have to tell you that.”
“It doesn’t matter. I stopped listening to Michael’s opinion of me long ago. Right now, I have other matters that takes precedence over what someone so insignificant to my marriage really thinks.” Justin says absently and I don’t think he realizes just what he said. I’m happy to help him out.
“Marriage? As in you and Brian are…”
“Fuck!” He hangs his head. Seeming to make a decision, he looks me in the eyes. “Alright Ben, here’s the truth, hidden though it may be. I only ask that you respect our privacy and not tell anyone, especially your husband.” At my nod, he continues. “Brian and I have been married for the last three- almost four years- since… well even before that really, since we signed papers just after Stockwell and I went to L.A.”
There was a slight hesitation but I’m not sure why. It was almost as if he was trying to stop himself from saying something else. I respect Justin’s privacy, so I don’t ask. But I do want to know what they were thinking these past years. “Why keep it from everyone? It could have stopped this mess with Michael.”
Justin laughed but there was no humor in it. In fact, it was laced with hurt and bitterness. Instantly my heart broke for him yet again. “I hate to tell you this, but it wouldn’t have stopped Michael; just made him worse. You don’t understand. Everything Michael has done and has been doing, even today’s bullshit in the conference room, was to see that Brian, Ted, and Emmett never take the step that you and he have taken. I don’t know why exactly, but his motives in discouraging and discounting their commitments to Drew, Blake, and me are more than obvious. If he knew that Brian and I are actually Legal Domestic Partners, he would go ape-shit, trying to think of ways to separate us. Which is funny because his antics thus far are playing a large role in what Brian and I are going through. So can you imagine how much more troublesome he could get?”
I closed my eyes at the thought. Sadly, I could see Michael causing even more trouble if he knew that Brian and Justin are even more joined together than he and I are. LDP?! WOW! Brian and Justin are in it for more than a long haul; they’re in it for a lifetime, which is about how long it will take to untwine their lives should they call it quits. Brian and Justin stand to lose more than just each other. Their businesses and property would have to be sold as well as a tax penalty given. But I know them… all of that shit could go to hell if they no longer have each other.
“Yes, I could see it Justin. But do me a favor, don’t let him cause anymore trouble between the two of you. You becoming immune and indifferent to Michael’s machinations is letting him win. Do you see that?”
Justin dropped his eyes to his refilled Maker’s. “I do, but it would help if I could know that this was still worth fighting for. Ben, I’ve climbed and gotten knocked off of Mt. Kinney more than a few times. I just don’t know why the fuck I keep climbing it anymore. My reasons used to be so simple; ‘I love Brian,’ a running mantra I kept chanting on the way back up. I’m at the point now where I have to question if I’m climbing because I’m still in love with him, or is it that I simply don’t want anyone to have him if I can’t. If it’s the latter, than that makes me no better than Michael has been all these years, and in that case I have to let him go.”
“But what if it’s the former? Will you still let him go then?”
“If it means his happiness, then yes. But if it won’t… I just don’t know if I have any fight left in me, regardless of my own wants.”
The sadness he’s feeling is pouring off of him in waves, even as I hear the strains of an old Patty Smyth song, coming out from the speakers of the jukebox. It’s fitting for the conversation we’re having and yet…
“Dance with me?” I ask him before I’m able to stop myself.
Justin snickers causing me to giggle in return. “What the hell, man?”
“Nah, seriously. There’s nothing wrong with two out of four members of the Lonely Hearts Club comforting each other, is there?”
“I suppose not, as long as you don’t try to take advantage of my fragile state Professor Bruckner.”
“I wouldn’t dream of it, young Mr. Taylor. Besides, my life might be a fucked up mess right now but I still value it. You can take his money and property; his business and his entire collections of Armani and Prada suits, but I pity the fool who tries to take Justin Cole Taylor-Kinney from Brian. I’m not suicidal.”
We laugh again, albeit briefly, as we move to the makeshift dance floor in the middle of the bar. As I hold onto him, I feel him tremble against me. It’s not in lust but in sorrow that he’s doing so. It penetrates my own being with the force of it, and I feel my own eyes well with tears at his heartbreak. My own thoughts about Michael and our marriage are being expressed in the song, whose haunting melody echoes around us. And it’s then that I really realize what decision has been riding Justin all this time. I find that it’s the same one I don’t want to make… but Michael’s pushing me to do it nonetheless...
**Now, I don't want to lose you, but I don't want to use you just to have somebody by my side./And I don't want to hate you, I don't want to take you, but I don't want to be the one to cry. /And I don't really matter to anyone anymore. But like a fool I keep losing my place and I keep seeing you walk through that door.
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much, and it's bad when you know it's your heart you can't trust. There's a reason why people don't stay where they are. Baby, sometimes love just ain't enough.
Now, I could never change you, I don't want to blame you. Baby, you don't have to take the fall. /Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you. Maybe I just want to have it all. /It makes a sound like thunder, it makes me feel like rain. And like a fool who will never see the truth, I keep thinking something's gonna change.
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much, and it's bad when you know it's your heart they can't trust. There's a reason why people don't stay who they are. Baby, sometimes love just ain't enough.
And there's no way home when it's late at night and you're all alone. Are there things that you wanted to say? And do you feel me beside you in your bed, there beside you where I used to be?
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much, and it's bad when you know it's your heart you can't trust. There's a reason why people don't stay where they are. Baby, sometimes love just ain't enough.
And as we’re taking comfort in each other, I’m tapped on the shoulder, managing just in time to move Justin and I out of the way of the angry fist of a very irate brunet...
Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough
Songwriters: Glen Burtnik / Patty Smyth/
Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC**