STAYING OR GOING CHAPTER 4:

BRIAN

After the talk with Em last night, I felt marginally better. I swear that man has a way of seeing through and cutting out the bullshit that even I admire. Sometimes, I wonder if I even deserve to call him one of my closest friends. I know Justin does, but me? Well I guess something must be going right if I still have him. But all the talk last night brought up some questions and...f-fe- feelings that I thought I had put behind me long since. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I threatened Michael with bodily harm last night. The last time I had felt such murderous intent was years ago at the ex-Munchers’ party. I never told anyone what he said and I thought I had forgiven him. But did I really?

To the average person it would seem that I did. He apologized and I brushed it off, bringing him an eighty-dollar cut of steak and convincing him that he should work on Rage with Justin; told him that we were both assholes and to forget it. Yet every single time Michael doesn’t get his way, he blames Justin and spouts the same shit. The funny- or not funny actually- thing is, that he never does it where other people can hear it. You know, people like Deb or Ben, people who don’t really know what a piece of shit he can be. Justin has heard that particular pronouncement many times, but he still has no idea why I punched Michael that long-ago day.

“Hey, you got a minute?”

I look up at the sound of a voice that is completely unexpected but not all that unpleasant. “Mother Taylor, to what do I owe the honor of your esteemed company today?”

She chuckles. “Cut the shit son-in-love. I brought the specs to the new building that you asked for. The building next to this one has also come up for sale, so do you want to put in an offer for it as well? Although you own the airspace and now the building to the left of Kinnetik, I think instead of building up first, you should spread out.”

I nod at her. I swear the best thing she could have ever done was get her Broker’s license. Starting as a measly agent worked well for her in the beginning, but as a broker, she now has agents working for her while she reaps the rewards. Jen mostly comes out into the fields only for those clients she began her career with, which includes Justin and me. “I’ll talk to Justin about it and get back to you with our decision.”

“And how is my son? I haven’t spoke to him in a couple of weeks.”

“Your guess is as good as mine,” I absently tell her, before realizing what I actually let slip.

“What do you mean by that, Brian? You two aren’t attempting to live separate lives at this juncture, are you?” Her eyes are wide and questioning, a little frown marring her perfect features. I know that I can’t lie to her, even if I am tempted to.

“Justin and I are having some… problems. I’m not exactly sure when or where we started having them. All I know is that I want them fixed but he…”

“He?”

I sigh. “Yeah, he’s not sure he wants them to be. Or at least that’s what he says.”

“So what happened? And don’t give me that ‘I don’t know’ bullshit, Brian. If there is one thing that I know about the two of your stubborn asses, it’s that there are always signs before one of you go off the deep end. You two, unlike others, don’t operate your relationship on a checks-and-balances system. There are no threats of the ‘if you do this, than I’ll do that’ kind of deal between you. It’s all or nothing, but there are consequences to that kind of relationship too.”

“I’m sure you’ll tell me what they are,” I say wryly.

“You bet your ass I am! The fact that you two don’t talk right away when something happens or when your feelings get hurt is one of them. Both you and Justin tend to bury everything until you have no choice but to implode. Something tells me that the implosion is closer than either of you know, and if you don’t get your shit together, it’s going to take another ten years to get you both back to where you are now. I remember how hard you two fought against yourselves and everybody else to be together; I think it’s time for you and Justin to remember as well.”

Before I have a chance to lay my cards on the table for her, I hear yelling, and the dreaded bossy voice ordering Cynthia to step aside before she’s pushed out of the way. I close my eyes, because that kind of entry could only mean one thing: Michael has struck again. Only this time…

“Hey asshole! You owe me an explanation! Where the fuck do you get off threatening my kid!” came the screeching of Deborah Jane Grassi-Novotny-Horvath. “Answer me asshole!”

“Pardon me, but his name is Brian. You should know that since you met him first! Really Deb, this is a place of business, not a baseball game. Have some fucking couth about yourself!” Jen huffed, and I have to say I’m impressed. Only Jen and Justin can make cursing like a sailor sound prim and proper when warranted.

“What are you doing here Jen? Perhaps you should leave if my presence is upsetting you so. This is between me and the asshole!” Deb sneers, causing me to count backwards in my head. If she calls me an asshole one more time…

“No Deborah, I’m not leaving. But perhaps you should. I’m sure that Michael is at home and needs his grown ass wiped clean and diapered. Maybe apply a little powder to the chapping that his ass must be experiencing because he was told to get a fucking life.” At the widening of Deb’s eyes, Jen narrowed her own. “That’s right Deb. You’re not the only one who heard about Michael’s tantrum on Liberty Avenue last night. He spouted to everyone who would listen about how Brian was tricking, and threatened to throw him down the stairs head-first. Well, I’ll have you know that Brian was not tricking, but was in the loft with his HUSBAND before your spoiled ass brat interrupted them...AGAIN!”

“Wait, how did you know, Jen?” I ask, because I didn’t tell anyone that Justin was at the loft last night before shit hit the fan.

“Tony, the bartender at Woody’s, and Todd- I still have no idea why he’s referred to as Backroom Todd- came into my office this morning as I was leaving to come here. They have been dating for several months and are finally looking for a place together. They were in your neighborhood last night, checking out some properties that they wanted to look at when they heard your argument with Michael and saw Justin leaving. They called out to Justin but he just waved and rushed to his car. They asked me if he was alright. So imagine my surprise when they told me all that had happened last night, including the show you, Justin, and Ben put on at Woody’s last evening. Thank goodness for Emmett!”

I had the good grace to flush. I knew that we caused a big scene, but I really didn’t expect it to get back to Jen all the way across town. “So there Deb. You have your answers. You may go.”

“I’m not going anywhere until I get a fucking explanation!” she yells.

“Well then you will be escorted out. Shall I call Horvath now?”

“Don’t you fucking threaten me Brian. You forget everything we have done for you!”

“Oh give me a fucking BREAK! Deb, if you think for one minute that Michael didn’t get the ‘mommy-guilt syndrome’ from you, you’re fucking mistaken!” Jen yells back. I don’t think I have ever heard Jen yell and it causes me to jump a little. She’s always been so gentle, but then to the outside world, so is Justin. Must be hereditary.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Deb asks her, narrowing her eyes and putting her hands on her ample hips. I can definitely see where Michael gets the pouting from now. I can’t understand why I never noticed it before.

“I’m talking about his penchant for threatening anyone going against him with you. Surely you realize that your baby boy is an emotional tyrant? I would think that someone who claims to love these boys and is able to display wisdom at least some of the time, would recognize the signs. But you can’t, can you? You can’t because that would mean that you would have to turn the mirror on yourself. But then again, just like the vampires in fiction novels, emotional vampires in real life also avoid looking at themselves, don’t they? Well, you can play that fucking game all you want Deb, but it won’t be with my sons, not the one standing here or the one I gave birth to. Go breastfeed Michael, I can hear his whining from here.”

Jen turned her back on Deb and made sure that I did the same. I could feel the tears stinging the back of my eyes, but I won’t let them fall. That would only fuel Deb’s fire and let her know that she’s getting to me, once again. When we finally hear her leaving, it’s only then that I allow the shivers I’ve been holding in rigid check to burst forth. The pain from having to endure Deb this morning is all too real. It reminds me of having to stand still in the face of her condemnation during the 30th birthday party I threw for Michael at her behest to get him and Doctor Dick back together. It reminded me of being called an animal when I punched Michael because of the wrong shit that flew out of his mouth. In this moment I know that if she knew what he said, she would find a way to justify Michael’s words or to simply brush them off. And that knowledge fucking hurts more than Jack’s fists or Joan’s indifference ever did.

“Brian, you don’t let that little shit split you and Justin up, you hear me? Justin may not realize what he wants right now, but I suspect that’s only because he’s tired of fighting.”

“But Jen…”

“No Brian. Now I have stayed out of your relationship except for in the beginning when I thought Justin was too young for you, or when you two broke up because of the Ethan episode. I know that it was a period that you both needed to happen so that you could grow and become the men you are. But consequently, that time apart also fostered some insecurities and stubbornness within both of you. Usually Daphne would be the one to point this out to you, but as your mom, I’m going to tell you GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS, GET IT IN GEAR, AND GET ON WITH FIXING THIS SHIT!!”

I look at her in shock before bursting out laughing. “It’s funny but yeah, those would have been Daph’s exact words. They just sound… strange coming from your mouth.”

“Well, nice to know that I can still surprise you on occasion, Darling. But seriously though, Brian, you and Justin have been through too much to let insignificant people ruin this. I remember that long-ago day when Justin told me and Craig that he loved you, more than anything else in his life; that all he wanted was to be with you.”

“He did? When?”

“It was the same day he came out to Craig. I had known for a little while, but at first Craig didn’t believe me when I told him. The next day, Craig was confronted by a few of his golf club cronies about how his son was openly gay at school. Craig tried to ground Justin that afternoon but after Justin made his speech, he left the house anyway. I suspect he was going out to find you. So you see, out of the mouths of babes is not just a figure of speech, Brian. At least not when it comes to Justin. You just have to remind him of what he wants. Remind him that it has always been you.”

She left my office, with a single kiss on my cheek and a promise to call when the offer was accepted. Once I heard the door click closed and her telling Cynthia to let me be for a little while, only then did I allow the tears to fall and the words bubble up from within. “It was always you too, Justin. Always.”