FIRE AND ICE: BOOK II: CHAPTER 8: I GOTTA BE

By Jagged Edge

Don't wanna make a scene/ I really don't care if People stare at us

Sometimes I think I'm dreamin'/ I pinch myself Just to see if I'm awake or not

Is it real, what I feel could it be you and me/ 'Til the end of time, 

Never part/ Take my heart, hold it tight, it's true love

 You know I gotta be/ I gotta be the one you touch/ Baby, I gotta be the one you love (I'm telling you that)/ I gotta be the one you feel/ And I gotta be the one to fill your life with sunshine

I gotta be the one you know/ 'Cause I will always love you so (I'm loving you, girl)

I gotta be the one you need/ I'm just telling you that I gotta be

I picture you and me/ Starting a life together, we could be

We'll take this vow to love one another/ Make this thing a reality ooh

Is it real, what I feel could it be you and me/ 'Till the end of time, 

Never part/ Take my heart, hold it tight, it's true love

I just gotta be/ I gotta be the one you touch/ Baby, I gotta be the one you love (I'm telling you that)

I gotta be the one you feel/ And I gotta be the one to fill your life with sunshine

I gotta be the one you know/ 'Cause I will always love you so (I'm loving you, girl)

I gotta be the one you need/ I'm just telling you that I gotta be

You make me whole, you make me right/ Don't ever wanna think about you leaving my life

Songwriters: Brandon Casey / Brandon D Casey / Brian Casey / Brian D Casey / Jermaine Dupri / Manuel Lonnie Seal

I Gotta Be lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group

DREW

I know that Emmett thinks I’m too young to understand all of this. And in a sense, perhaps he’s  right. I mean, I’ve only been out for the last few years. Compared to him, and the rest of the guys, I really could be considered the ‘baby’ of the group. But here’s the thing… I’ve seen what happened to Emmett happen to millions of groupies over the course of my career. 

It’s sad and evil but it’s also true. Thankfully, I’ve never been a part of something so heinous. Call me crazy, but I believe wholeheartedly in informed consent. However, I know quite a few guys who used enhancements to get laid. Then the fuckers had the nerve to vow innocence, all in an effort to keep their careers and avoid the jail time which they really deserved. 

Knowing what I know now about Emmett’s past, I can honestly say that I’m ashamed to have put my career before the well-being of another person at times, even if it was never for that particular reason. I’ve long since learned that to cloak a situation was the same as covering up the act itself, and that’s just not the type of person I want to be. The bottom line is that at the end of the day, you still stink of scandal, be it someone else’s or your own, therefore you are just as guilty. In all honesty, the League of Football can be just as bad as the vaunted Blue Wall of Silence when it comes to calling arrogant assholes out on their very wrong behavior. That’s why I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure that Michael and the other fuckers who are after Blake, Justin, and Brian, end up where they belong… 

In jail, with Bubba, Billy Bob, and Brutus for company.  

As for the other victims of my knowledge, I’ve already personally taken care of them financially. Not because of my own guilt, but for honor’s sake. No, it didn’t stop my conscience from beating me up, but I was determined NOT to let the incident rule and ruin their lives. I can only hope the universe will pay what I did in secret forward now when it comes to Emmett; that the amends I’ve tried to make on the behalf of others will have Karma rewarding the only person who means more to me than my own life. If there is any truth to the saying what goes around comes around, then this would be the time to prove it.

And speaking of Em, he’s been sitting in the red chair ever since we came back to the villa. Every now and again, I hear the faint sounds of him crying, but at this moment, there’s nothing I can do. I feel so damn powerless! Em slept fitfully last night, even though I didn’t know the real reason for his restlessness until now. It wasn’t hard to realize he was being plagued by nightmare upon nightmare, and I don’t think that even with the revelations which came out yesterday, they are going to lessen at this juncture. 

I wish there was some way to help him through this. In all honesty, my way would land me in jail because I would kill anyone who has ever hurt him. Em is such a sweet man. Yes, he can be catty at times, and tough as nails when it comes to his business interests. But ultimately, Emmett Honeycutt has the soul of an angel on earth, which makes it all the more painful to feel powerless in healing him. 

And I know I’m not the only one feeling this way right now. Justin called first thing this morning, as did Blake. Brian and Ted sent messages mirroring my own thoughts of making the fuckers pay. In fact, Brian said that he was going to call Carl personally to convey all that happened last night. We all feel it will provide some critical information in building a solid case against Michael and his merry band of bastards.

I figured I’d better do something to curb the impulse to go look for the militant midget, and take the law into my own hands. So I dial the concierge service to have breakfast brought to the villa. Emmett hasn’t eaten since yesterday afternoon. Needless to say that after last night’s conversation, neither of us were too concerned with the lack of nutrition. But now that part of the worst is over, he has to.  

I wish to God that he would get out of the damn red chair so I can speak to him, but I know I can’t enforce my will right now. The whole purpose of that chair is so we can collect our thoughts without interference, and Em needs that right now. But FUCK! Is it selfish that I want to be what he needs right now? Is it asking too much that he remembers I’m here for him; that he no longer has to suffer in silence?

I shake my head at myself before grabbing my journal and moving over to the sliding doors with the most amazing view of the outside scenery. Our villa is surrounded by the lush green forest, reminiscent of the hiking paths of my hometown. I wonder how Duke knew I would feel most at peace in this atmosphere, regardless of the situation. Ironically, Em’s hometown of Hazelhurst was like this as well. I mean, sure, the stalwart oak and maple trees have been replaced by palms, but it’s no less mesmerizing. 

In a word, it’s beautiful.  

As I sit on the back deck, and immerse myself in my thoughts while allowing the gentle breezes to bring me the comfort my partner can’t provide at this moment, I think about all I want for the life I have with Emmett Joel Honeycutt-Boyd. Opening the journal, I write the two words which have been on loop since last night: Complete Trust. Oh, I know he couldn’t tell me of Justin, since it was his story to tell, but the other stuff… Well, yeah, I needed to know. Whereas Em has a tendency to ignore the pains of his past and live in the here and now, which can be a good thing, it can also become detrimental in the wrong hands which is what we’re seeing now. 

I could just imagine Michael taking great glee in relaying all of the misdeeds of Emmett’s past at a time when it would have hurt us the most. I have a feeling that he would have done it at the restaurant had Blake not dumped the gravy on his head and lap. In retrospect, I think Em also knew that, which is why he chose to side with Michael, even when it was wrong to do so. People like Michael not only collect people, but information to keep them in line. The sad thing is that they never realize it about him, until it’s too late.

The second thing I want from Emmett is complete honesty. No he doesn’t lie aloud, unless it’s necessary, but it’s those thoughts and feelings he keeps hidden from the rest of the world that I want. Em has a tendency to have selective conversations, meaning that he’ll answer whatever questions you have, just not fully. And as Brian so often says, omission is just as big a lie as the ones you speak. Sometimes, Brian’s soft-spoken Kinneyisms speak the loudest when you find yourself in that exact situation.

I have to wonder why Emmett often censors himself from speaking the complete truth. I mean, who the fuck taught him to do that? He’s a queen- MY QUEEN- who wears his heart on his sleeve and his emotions on his face. Yet at every given opportunity, he edits himself? Why? 

He has to know that nothing he says would get me so angry that WE are no longer an option. He’s it for me! Hell, I willingly left the life of Secret Queer- Straight guy behind just for the chance to be with him, and I know it means a lot to him. So where is this particular insecurity stemming from? As much as I hate to admit it, it can’t just be Michael.

No, that would be giving the punkass too much power, and I refuse to believe that. Could it be his family? It’s possibly part of it, but… Well, the only thing I can do is ask him and hope he tells me the whole truth of it. I want it, and ultimately I NEED to be his truth.

The third thing I need from Emmett is to be his love. Oh I know he loves me. There isn’t a doubt in my mind of that. But Emmett has always terrified me. He requires complete commitment; inspires complete devotion within me. 

Is it any wonder that it’s why I want it from him as well?

I want to lay myself at the altar of his happiness, and I want him to need the same. I want to be lost in him; for him to be lost in me. He’s my everything, and I want to be his. I gotta be, because without him… There is no life left to me, and within me without him. 

There is only an existence, and a life wasted with wanting but never having. 

I didn’t realize that before I met him, but he makes me whole. Sometimes, I think it would have been better never to have had this epiphany. I could have existed my whole life in ignorance, and continued to confuse it with true happiness. But then I see him smile, feel his touch, and know that there’s nothing better than the feeling of knowing I’m where I’m supposed to be. No better reality than knowing that Emmett is MINE, and I never want to remember a time when that wasn’t the case. 

Sierra asked me once how I knew this was the path for me, and I couldn’t answer her then, but I can now. It’s the fact that I don’t care what everyone thinks when they see us together. For someone to whom image used to be everything, that’s major, in and of itself. It’s the fact that he allows me to rest, to be calm; the fact of knowing beyond doubt that when all of my public persona is stripped away, he’ll be here. He’s my home, my covering when life gets to be too much. 

And there’s no place I’d rather be than with him, and within him physically. But most of all I want to be with him in every way, mentally and emotionally. He makes me a better man; makes me want to be worthy of the man he is. I want to be all he needs and more, but I want to be that for myself, too. The upgraded man deserving of love from his kingly Queen.  

I almost want to laugh at my memories of when, during one of the conversations I had with Brian before I turned 21, he’d described Justin like that. But I understand why he did now, because I feel the same way about Emmett. They just have a way about them that screams of just how regal they are within a world full of people who constantly underestimate themselves and their personal power to truly transform their lives to be what they want. Emmett is definitely such a person, even if he doesn’t feel like he is at this moment. And I want to be the kind of partner who leads the charge into wholeness when he can’t do it for himself; it is who I need to be for him.  

As I put the pen down, and close the journal when there’s a knock on the door, all I can think is: Please God, let him let me be.