STAYING OR GOING CHAPTER 3
JUSTIN
Somehow I just knew that Michael would show up. Perhaps it was because the post-coital bliss was settling in on Brian and I, or perhaps it was because he has some kind of homing device on Brian to know when he’s been fucking. The funny thing is that even as I was exiting the elevator, I could hear Michael’s disparaging comments about me. Even though he didn’t know it was me who had just left his own husband, Michael still found a way to discount what had just happened. I didn’t stay to hear the rest; I didn’t need to. Brian would apologize and all would be right in wittle Mikey’s world again. Would that something would be right in my own…
I decided to come to Woody’s instead of making the long trip back to West Virginia tonight. I’ll probably stay in the company suite at the Fairmount and make an early start back in the morning. Fortunately, I had my laptop with me since earlier today. I have no idea why I’d brought it with me, knowing that I was going to the Penn tonight to meet with Alex and Brian, but I’m glad now that I did. I wish that I’d had the forethought to bring it into the hotel with me. Maybe it would have kept me calm, and from saying all that I did. It would have been a welcome distraction. But ah, I don’t know… maybe I needed to say all that after all. Maybe I needed to let Brian see that he’s hurt me, that he can still hurt me with what he says, and what always seems to be left unsaid. Who knows… with the violence I actually felt in that place and time, I probably would have thrown my computer at his head, all in an effort for him to feel my pain- to really hear me for a change. But what would that really have accomplished? No, it was better that there was nothing else for me to focus on. Which brings me to thoughts about this upcoming trip...
What does Alex really hope for Brian and I to accomplish by being on some island out in the middle of nowhere? Admittedly, it’s been a long time since he and I have taken a vacation. There was always work between us, so that was fine. But it was when work was slow that the problems and interference would really start. It’s easy to blame Michael- I mean, shit he’s always there- but the non-communication between Brian and myself didn’t help matters either. I’ve been trying to tell him about the Mayweather offer for over two months now. The job is in London and I would be gone for the better part of ten months to a year. Even though I know that Everett Mayweather has some other ulterior motive in mind from his request that I complete the job there, I still want to take it. It could take the graphics part of the business to the next level since it’s going to be a movie done strictly in CGI technology. The work is to begin in another six weeks and I had hoped that my husband would either join me or that we could set some kind of regular visiting schedule. But with the way things are going between us, I’ll be lucky if we want to see each other at all.
I’ve heard the innuendos Michael has been putting into Brian’s ear every chance he gets. I used to defend myself against his accusations, resulting in loud arguments with Michael, then louder ones with Brian in defense of his best friend. It has only been in the last two years that I haven’t bothered to defend myself anymore, opting for peace while thinking that if Brian thinks so little of me, then why did we get married? Those thoughts are the ones that hurt the most… the ones where I am now questioning why Brian and I made this forever kind of commitment, when it’s so obvious he no longer has faith in me to keep my word. Part of me really hopes that this trip will sort out what’s wrong between us, but the other part of me thinks I should just go to London and forget about it.
Brian and I aren’t monogamous, so it’s not a question of sex with someone else. Tricking was never the issue; just the intentions and reasons behind it. No, it’s a matter of what do I lose by staying and what I can gain by going. Am I going to waste away, an unwanted, unimportant extension of Brian, or will I have to be away from him to become my own man again? That’s really what my sojourns to Los Angeles and New York were about. Brian and I knew that business had little or nothing to do with me going; it was for personal growth, not just professional experience. But this is different.
All I know is that I can’t go on the way I’ve been going anymore. We can’t exist like this anymore. Although we share space and our bodies, it seems that it’s all there is to us and it fucking sucks. Everything that made us who we were together- our conversations, our freedom, our honesty, our ability to not judge each other, our life we’ve built together- is crumbling. And we have no definitive way to stop it. It feels like I’m standing on the sidelines watching it happen; paralyzed from the horror, but unable to decide whether to run, hide or go down with this potentially sinking ship. I need my life back, but is it going to be with Brian or without him? I need the answer to that question and I guess that’s the real reason I’ve opted to go on this trip.
“Mind if I join you?”
I look up at the sound of the familiar voice, just as I’m compiling the list of contacts for Alex. “No Ben, I don’t mind. But it’s only because I’m curious as to why you aren’t at home. Don’t you have a full schedule tomorrow?” I look at the time in the corner of the screen, noting that it’s nearing eleven at night. Ben is usually asleep by now. The meds he takes at night make him loopy and drowsy, so he’s usually out like a light by 10:30.
“I was supposed to have one, but after Barry called, I found some others to cover for me. Thankfully it’s finals, so after this week, I would have either decided to work the summer sessions or taken the summer off. Barry’s call kinda took the decision out of my hands.”
“Oh?” Okay, so I won’t deny being curious. I know that Barry is his and Michael’s relationship counselor. I also know that Alex said he would put the offer out there for the other couples to go to the island while Brian and I are there. I really hope that Ben said no… I mean hey, a Sucker-free Summer without my self-appointed archenemy sounds divine. But all dogs don’t go to Heaven and apparently I will never get what I envisioned as a peaceful summer.
“Yes. He suggested that the time away from Pittsburgh would do Michael and I some good. There are too many distractions and places Michael can hide to apply his avoidance techniques. On the island, we’ll be surrounded by too much water for him to drink, let alone swim in. So he won’t be able to get out of making some tough decisions about us and our marriage.”
“I see.” And I did; I just don’t have to like it. I take a deep breath before speaking again. “Well I guess you should know that Brian and I will be on the island too.”
“Fucking hell, that sucks!”
“My sentiments exactly, only they are in reference to you and Michael.”
“I can still call and cancel,” he tells me, pulling out his cellphone. I stay his hand.
“No Ben, just no. First, you need this trip as well as I do. For better or worse, you will find out whether you still want to be married to Michael or not. You can’t do that here with Deb lurking and Michael having a direct line to the Ma-nothing’s-going-my-way-again hotline. We both know that as much as we love Deb, she’s unable to see how much shit Michael causes. Being here would be just asking for her to come down on you like a ton of bricks simply because Michael isn’t happy. As for the second reason not to worry… We will all be on separate parts of the island. From what I understand, the places where we’ll be staying has villas on all four corners of the island and are not within walking distance of each other. I think if we do see each other, it will be far less frequently than we see each other now.”
“That’s how Barry explained it to me as well.”
“So you see… no need to worry about the Brian and Mikey Show - Island Paradise Edition. If all goes well, it won’t be on repeat once we come back to the Pitts either.”
“I don’t want you to think hard of me for saying this, but thank God. I swear it’s like Michael has Adult ADHD where Brian is concerned. We could be in the middle of something and WHAM his thoughts turn to…”
“Brian. I know. I go through something similar but for different reasons. I’m going to say this, not only because it’s true, but because you are my friend. I need someone to tell and you need to know that he’s doing this. Michael has been trying to convince Brian that I’m going to leave him again. I am running out of ways to reassure him. It seems that every single time we have an ease, or Brian chooses to believe me, Michael turns up and then the doubts start again.” I have tried any number of ways to get this through to Brian, without success. So part of me is hoping that I can get Ben to put a leash on Michael in regards to this too. Again, I’m back to the question of why Brian and I got married if he still has doubts about my commitment, both to him and to us.
Ben nods his head. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the same thing from Michael, even as recently as this afternoon after you left. I told him that if he spent half as much time on our relationship, we wouldn’t have been sitting in court-ordered therapy. I guess his ears are still not working. Well, I’ve given him an ultimatum, one that he needs to take very seriously.”