IN OR OUT: CHAPTER ONE

BEN:

I should have followed Justin’s lead when he walked out of that conference room. It would have been better than once again hearing my partner declare that anything concerning Brian is his business. Why can’t he accept that it isn’t? Why can’t he understand that just as everyone else’s relationship is in trouble, so is ours? Is it that he is clueless, or is it that he just doesn’t give a fuck? Based on his actions today, I would say my answer is the latter, but most telling is that I don’t know how to feel about that.

I think back to all of the half-assed gestures I’ve accepted from him over the years, all for the sake of saying that I was in a relationship. What’s funny is that I remember how Michael acted after he discovered that I tricked with Brian once, many years ago, before he and I even met. I should have heeded the warning signs of our impending doom then. He acted like a jealous housewife, wounded beyond belief at the thought that his best friend had done his boyfriend. In my wanting it to be about his jealousy concerning me, I accepted him back into my life after he said he saw what his tantrum was really costing us. I should have seen through the lie right then and there. Instead my ego was boosted; the breath I was holding, released in an effort to believe that I was the one he really wanted. That may have been true at the time, but Michael’s actions over the past several years are telling a completely different story. I can’t even say when it started and that’s what’s worrying me the most.        

The thing that I’ve learned about Michael is that there is always a motive to the things he says and does. Sure, to most, it would come off as him having chronic foot-in-mouth disease or him being naive enough to not see the destruction he leaves in his wake. He comes off as the boy-next-door with the pure heart of a child and the ready-made excuse of ‘that wasn’t what I meant.’ Sadly, we are all guilty of letting him get away with all the bullshit, excusing it as one of Michael’s quirks- of him just being Michael. Debbie first started the cycle of excusing him and like good little soldiers, we all marched to her tune in exchange for acceptance. Now that’s not to say that I think the ball is squarely in her court, just that she set Michael’s expectations of those around him in that direction. We all made the choice to accept the edict.

Well all of us except Justin, who used to give back to Michael as good as the older man gave. I wonder what changed within Justin that made him stop doing it. Somehow, I think a lot of what Michael and I are going through is wrapped up in Justin’s detachment. It’s not his fault, but without Justin to shine a light on the problems- to call Michael on his bullshit- left us all feeling around in the dark while Michael maneuvered and manipulated behind the scenes. No, I hold no illusions about my husband. Michael is a manipulative little shit on most days, but his motives aren’t always clear.

Even now, I sit here trying to figure out why he’s been interfering in the others’ relationships while neglecting our own to the point that Mel has ordered us to counseling. It can’t be my HIV status, since my bloodwork is really good and all traces of the virus are almost undetectable. The cocktail and nutrition regime I’ve been on for the last several years has really done its job- knock on wood. So if it isn’t that, what is it? Why has Michael reverted to the man he was before I was around. According to what Justin has told me, Michael was possessive of his friends, always making it clear that interlopers were temporary and unwelcome, unless they fulfilled some sort of purpose for him.

At first, it was hard to believe that of the man I love, but then I began to open my eyes to Michael’s modus operandi after Justin left Brian for Ethan for a short time. When Justin and Brian reunited, it would have taken a jackhammer to remove the scowl from Michael’s face. But after a time, Michael’s annoyance just simply disappeared. It was right around the time of the Liberty ride, when Justin was in Los Angeles working on turning the comic into a movie that Michael began to get back to normal. In retrospect, I guess it was seeing that the resident stud wasn’t attached at the cock to his partner that eased Michael’s tension at long last. But why would that be his business though? He and I are together most of the time, so why would it be a problem for Michael that Brian and Justin are?

Justin was part of the group for over two years before I walked into the comic book store, looking for material for my Gay Studies class. I remember meeting Justin at the GLC and thinking to myself how young he was, until I talked to him and got to know him. I remember him telling me not to be intimidated by Michael’s friends, that they were really a loving group of guys when they got to know you. I didn’t understand what he meant until I saw his interaction with Ted and Emmett. However, when Brian shared space with the blond, there was no one in the room between them. I often marveled how the air became charged with anticipation whenever one of them would come into the room, hunting the crowds for the other. And then when they touched or danced or fucked in public, it was as tangible to the senses as if you were a participant in whatever activity they were engaged in. I often felt wrung out just being in their presence for more than fifteen minutes. When did that change? It’s still there, but now the things they don’t say creates a space between them.

Michael and I never had that kind of heat. We’re more like a slow burn- or at least I’d like to think so. Ted and Blake are like us, whereas Emmett and Drew, it depends on the day. But Brian and Justin were constant fire. I preferred Michael and I because we were less volatile but now, I’m not so sure anymore. What I am sure of though, is that I can’t live like this anymore. There is always a third person in our life, in our bed, and although I don’t necessarily blame Brian, I admit that he doesn’t help it either. Sometimes I think Michael would prefer that I be him. Does that make sense? He doesn’t want Brian per se, but someone with all of the attributes he’s built up about the man, in a partner.

Before Paul and HIV, I might have been that man. I was carefree and careless, indiscriminate and unapologetic. I was Brian Kinney with a Superman body, living dangerously and loving every minute of it. There is a good possibility that like Brian, Michael wouldn't have been a glitch on my gaydar. But now… now I’m a man who has to take pills with the knowledge they can stop working at any time; a man who faces his life thankful for living another day, even if it is on borrowed time; a man who finds a great book as enjoyable as a night on the town. I am an award-winning author and college professor, with a partner who relies on me to be there for him. So why am I not enough?

I asked Justin, Blake, and Drew this question not too long ago. Their response was that I am but maybe I’m too much for Michael to handle. I laughed it off at first, but now I’m starting to wonder. Maybe my expectations are too much when he isn’t used to having anyone expect anything from him- meaning Brian, Emmett and Ted. I really hope Mel knew what she was doing in sending us to counseling, because if what I suspect is true of my marriage to Michael, I should just go on and start divorce proceedings right now.