IN or OUT: BOOK II: CHAPTER 9: DON’T WANNA BE A FOOL
DON’T WANNA BE A FOOL LYRICS
Love, what have you done? Oh, wow/ I was sure up to now that she was a friend/ I stayed 'till the end (don't be a fool again)/ I once believed that love was fair/ But I don't anymore, she said I'm a bore/ My heart hit the floor (don't be a fool anymore)
Each time around/ I tell myself it's the game of love/ Ignore the signs and risk it all in the name of love/ Well, I've decided I can't let nobody hurt me again/ So I'll say to the end
I just don't wanna be a fool (don't want to be a fool)/ Said I don't wanna be a fool ever again
Whenever a fool's in love he doesn't know he's to blame/ He's caught in the game/ It all ends up the same (he doesn't feel the shame)/ He looks at love in a diff'rent way/ It breaks his heart ev'rytime they all turn out strange/ But he'll never change (he's never gonna change)
Next time around I'll tell myself it'll be better than before/ I won't look back/ There'll be no one tearing my heart out anymore/ I just decided I can't let nobody fool me again/ So I'll swear to the end
I just don't wanna be a fool (don't wanna be a fool)/ Said I don't wanna be a fool (ever again)/ No way (I mean no more) never again (ooh, no never)/ I can't be a fool, can't be, no way, no way, no way/ I don't wanna be/ I don't wanna be a fool, no
I can't love anybody (I can't love nobody)/ Walking on a one way street (any way, any way any, way no)/ If I don't (if I don't) find somebody (somebody body)/ That'll be alright with me (know, I know it'll be alright now)/ 'Cause I decided not to let nobody kill me again/ So I'll say to the end
I just don't wanna be a fool (don't wanna be a fool)/ Said I don't wanna be a fool (don't wanna be a fool) ever, ever again/ (Don't wanna a fool can't be a fool)/ Don't wanna be a fool (don't wanna be a fool) ever again/ (I don't wanna be a fool) never oh never oh never again/ (Don't wanna be a fool)
Can't be a fool
Songwriters: Marcus Miller / Luther Vandross
Don't Want to Be a Fool lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group, Warner Chappell Music, Inc
BEN
Sadly, I am being interrupted out of my meditating by the simultaneous ringing of my cell phone, and the incessant banging on my villa door. Unfortunately, there aren’t going to be any prizes for guessing who it is, since no one else other than Barry and the other counselors knows the precise location of where I am at the moment. But the fact that he’s, once again, intruding on my privacy and peace of mind can only mean ONE thing. So taking my time, I fix my requisite after-yoga routine shake, before going to the door.
“Morning, Michael,” I say, blocking his automatic entrance into what I consider MY villa for the duration of my stay here. Ordinarily, it’s quite peaceful here, as I have very little interaction with the man in front of me. It makes me think that I may just have to buy one for myself when I arrive back in Pittsburgh.
“Who said there’s anything ‘Good’ about it?!” is his petulant response.
“Well, I didn’t. But mine was going just fine, until you showed up. What do you want?”
“I want to know the meaning of this shit!” he yells while waving a stack of papers around before attempting to smack me with them. He’s not slick.
“Not sure what you’re speaking of since the only shit I see…” I let the implication of my unfinished thought hang in the air between us. I bend to pick up the papers from where I let them drop on the floor, when he attempted to throw them in my face. I have to hand it to Phllip; he works fast! Once again, he tries to force himself inside, and I block his entrance.
“We need to talk!”
“No, we really don’t. I think these papers speak for themselves, don’t you?”
“Ben…”
“Michael.”
“Stop it!”
“Stop what?”
“Don’t be an asshole!”
“You’ve quite cornered the market on the term and personification of ‘Asshole’, Michael. And I don’t want to join you.”
“Why are you doing this to me?!”
“What exactly am I doing to you, Michael? From my point of view, I’m doing myself a favor.”
“By cutting me off? By walking out on me?!” He stands there with his victim mentality displayed plainly for me to see, equipped with tears, and on the verge of a tantrum. Before, I would have given him anything he wanted to avoid both of those looks, but now…
I laugh, which has apparently caught him so off guard that now he’s scowling at me. “Michael, let’s be clear: you walked out on our marriage a long time ago. In fact, if I’m going to be honest, we never had one. I’m not into polygamy, and by all accounts, neither are you. Yet there was always a third person in our association, even if he didn’t know it, or even want to be a part of it. So now, you’re here because I won’t continue to be the third wheel on your tricycle of toxicity. Also now that Brian has finally figured out that you’re a cunt, and ditched you too, you’re all alone on your unicycle of unparalleled selfishness.”
“Ben, come on. Don’t be like this,” Michael says, adopting that affronted and deeply hurt countenance that used to get me to back down when I’d said something hurtful.
“Like what exactly, Michael? Fed up? Tired of your numerous headgames? Absolutely SICK of looking at the way you treat people? What shouldn’t I be like?”
“You’re my husband! You’re supposed to support me!”
“No, I was your bank, your bodyguard, your doormat, your fool, your human dildo, your patsy, your pushover, but I was NEVER YOUR HUSBAND!” I yell at him. “If I was this wouldn’t be so easy to do…”
“What do you mean?”
“It means that I’ve finally figured something out about myself, Michael. I finally understand just what you’ve added to my life all these years.”
“You have?” The look he has on his face now is both hopeful and smug.
“Yes, I have. And the answer is NOTHING, except a mountain of problems that no one within their right mind would ask for. So, that said, I have decided that I am responsible for my own mental health, and being with you- being near you in any realm or capacity- is not conducive to that. And just so you know, any and all communication from now on will be done in front of a mediator, meaning Barry or my attorney. I would wish you well, Michael, but you know I don’t believe in lying just for the sake of doing so, unlike yourself.”
“Ben, what about our life together? We’re married!”
“No, we were separated, and now we’re about to be divorced.”
“But we own property together!”
“No we don’t.”
“YES WE DO!”
I laugh at his red, pouty face and folded arms. “No we really don’t, little boy. Remember, your credit was so bad that everything- including the store formerly known as Red Cape Comics- had to be put in my name. Well Michael, you’re leaving this marriage exactly how you entered it.”
“What? What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means that everything that was bought with my money has been returned to its rightful owner, which would be me.” And I can see the exact moment when what I’ve said officially sinks in. “I should really thank you for making things easier for Phillip to figure out, Michael. Considering you’re such a slob in all other aspects of your life, including your relationships with your mother and those around you, you were actually quite meticulous when detailing every single fucking one of those toys..”
“They’re NOT toys, they’re COLLECTIBLES!”
“Of which the vast majority no longer belong to YOU.” Again, I let that sink in and want to laugh long and loud at the look on his face. He looks like he wants to cry as many tears as I’ve shed during the farce of our association. I’m glad that now he knows how it feels to have his hopes and dreams crushed. Mine certainly have been! “Well, I would say that this has been a good conversation and all… but well, I was having it with you.”
“Ben, you have to listen to me. I’m really ready to give us a chance now. I…”
“I AM listening, and I have been for a long time now. But the sad thing- for you anyway- is that I’ve finally heard everything, both said and unsaid. So have a good life, Michael. Oh and a word of advice: whatever bullshit you think you hope to achieve now that I have FINALLY cut you loose, you should rethink quick, fast, and in a hurry. We’re all tired of your shit, and I mean ALL OF US. That self-preservation you’ve been trying so hard to protect should kick in right about now. But then again, when have you ever been smart enough to take heed to what anyone else says except yourself, and possibly your mommy? You should probably run along and call her, if you haven’t already. But do her and yourself a favor… don’t try to get her to browbeat us into accepting you back within any facet of our lives; you’re both bound to be disappointed. So that said, HEADGAME OVER!”
He’s still stunned silent, even as I usher him off the porch as if he just became someone’s senile auntie. It’s really quite angering and yet, pathetic the way he believes he can still play people. In his mind, I am still that desperate, broken man who craved his attention because he was scared of dying alone. Well that ship has sailed and sunk to the bottomless pit of need and want that his life had become even before he met me. Just goes to show that when you don’t listen- or think you know better than the chronic gossipers on Liberty Avenue, who tried their best to warn me- the road becomes paved with a lot of life’s hard lessons.
I smile at him once more, before darting back up the steps. I hear him whisper that this isn’t over, and wait until he makes eye contact with me for what I hope will at least be the final time for the duration of my stay on this island. Then I take the greatest of pleasure in slamming the door as he helplessly looks on. The time has come to officially work on me, not only so that I can find someone who honestly loves me, but also that I can truly love myself abundantly enough that I never EVER fall for this type of shit again. As I pass by the mirror in the foyer, I stop and look at myself for a moment.
My eyes look so much clearer; are seeing clearer for the first time in a long while. I smile and say aloud to myself: “Hello Benjamin James Bruckner. Welcome back after your long sleep. Do yourself and the world a favor: Don’t ever close your eyes to how you want to live your life again.”