IN or OUT: BOOK II: CHAPTER 10: EVERYBODY PLAYS THE FOOL 

Everybody Plays the Fool by The Main Ingredient

Okay, so your heart is broken/ You sit around mopin'/ Cryin' and cryin'/ You say you're even thinkin' about dyin'/ Well, before you do anything rash, dig this

Everybody plays the fool sometime/ There's no exception to the rule/ Listen, baby, it may be factual, may be cruel/ I ain't lyin', everybody plays the fool

Falling in love is such an easy thing to do/ And there's no guarantee that the one you love/Is gonna love you/ Oh-oh-oh, lovin' eyes they cannot see/ A certain person could never be/ Love runs deeper than any ocean/ You can cloud your mind with emotion

Everybody plays the fool, sometime/ There's no exception to the rule/ Listen, baby, it may be factual, may be cruel/ I want to tell ya that/ Everybody plays the fool

How can you help it when the music starts to play/ And your ability to reason is swept away/ Oh-oh-oh, heaven on earth is all you see/ You're out of touch with reality/ And now you cry but when you do/ Next time around someone cries for you

Everybody plays the fool, sometime/ They use your heart like a tool/ Listen, baby, they never tell you so in school/ I want to say it again

Everybody plays the fool/ Listen to me, baby/ Everybody plays the fool, sometime

(No exception) no exception to the rule/ It may be factual, may be cruel, sometime

But everybody plays the fool/ Listen, listen, baby/ Everybody plays the fool, sometime

They use your heart like a tool

Songwriters: Kenneth Williams / Ralph Bailey / Rudy Clark

Everybody Plays the Fool lyrics © BMG Rights Management, Carlin America Inc

BEN:

It’s time for my session with Barry, and I… No, I feel good about how I handled Michael. It’s just funny, yet not, how much I was able to see about him once I took the time to really look. Yes, that’s what’s hurting the most right now. That I allowed myself to turn off all of my initial warnings in my head years ago… back when I’d let him know about my HIV status. I should have seen the attention-seeking manipulations then. I just thought he was cute, and even though over thirty, had this inescapable and charming innocence about him. More fool me!

Barry greets me at the door of the building, before I even had time to traverse up the walkway. “Good afternoon, Ben. I trust that you are well?”

“Hey Barry,” I answer back. “I’m okay, but…”

“Hmm… just okay, huh?”

“It’s just that…”

“I’ll tell you what, Ben. I really don’t feel like staying inside just now, so how about we take our show on the road today. Or should I say the beach?” He smiles, and I can’t help but smile back. “Have you eaten lunch yet?”

I shake my head. “No. I had a protein shake this morning. It was all I was in the mood for after Michael…”

“Say no more for now. Just know that I had the same type of visit this morning, and got a screech-full after our security guy, Ellis, delivered the papers your lawyer sent for him.”

I snicker. “I can just about imagine what that screech-full entailed. So where are we headed?”

“I thought we’d go down to Bella Wu’s Kitchen. I know that you like Thai, but she’s one of the only places on the island who specializes in more than one realm of Asian cooking. Of course, you can find Japanese and Chinese food there as well. But Bella’s even taken it a step further and branched out into learning about Middle Eastern dishes, too. She does Pakastani cuisine, which honestly is to die for. Her Daal with Chai Roti has become an addiction for me on this island. And after the morning we’ve had, I think we can both do with some comfort food.”

“Well I’m definitely up for trying something new,” I answer as we begin to walk away from the main hotel where most of all our sessions occur if not within the privacy of our villas. 

It isn’t long before we reach the seaside restaurant and are seated before he asks, “So Ben, just how are you handling this morning’s events? I know that Michael has been very busy today upsetting not only your applecart, but Brian and Justin’s as well.”

“What do you mean?”

“Somehow, he managed to convince one of our staff to deliver a letter to Brian.” I startle at that bit of news, but his next words calm me significantly. “Don’t worry, he still doesn’t quite know where they are, although I suspect he’s waiting on Yuri to tell him. He’ll be in for quite a surprise when that doesn’t happen.” Barry grins evilly.

“Why? What have you done?”

“Nothing yet, but right now the young man is being confined to his quarters.”

“I take it that his following Michael’s orders isn’t the only reason?”

“No. Yuri was a problem before now, but this episode was the last straw. But I have to wait for Melanie to arrive on the island before we terminate his employment. She’ll be here the day after tomorrow. Like I said, there are some other factors involved here.”

My curiosity is piqued, but I let the matter go. But another thought invades my mind, and before I can even suppress the question, it’s out of my mouth. “How did Justin take it?”

Barry smiles. “As one would expect, especially since Yuri was under the impression that Brian would be so grateful that he would pay him for services rendered, if you get my meaning.”

“You mean Michael…” I can’t even finish the sentence. 

Last night when we talked about his tendency to pimp Brian, I talked myself into believing that it couldn’t have been that bad. But then knowing what I know now, and hearing a secondhand account of the morning from Barry, I want to march over the guesthouse and throw the little fucker into the middle of the ocean, even knowing that he never learned to swim. What he tried to do to Brian is a true testament of how vile the man really is. And it’s making me feel two things at the moment: anger at myself for getting involved with such a creature in the first place, and sad because I fell for his bullshit because of my own fears.

“What are you thinking over there, Ben?” Barry asks after I’d gone both quiet and still.

“How could I have been so stupid as to blind myself like this?”

“You weren’t stupid, Ben. You just fell in love with a myth, that’s all. At some point we all do it, you know? A lot of people just term it as being in love with the idea of love. It happens to the best of us.”

“Yeah, but this is more than kissing the veritable frog to get to the prince, isn’t it?”

He nods. “Sure, it can be looked at that way, especially in your case. I’m going to go out on a limb here and reference the Little Mermaid. Not the rendition of Hans Christian Anderson, but that of Disney.”

I can’t help but laugh, even as they bring our food to us. He takes a spoonful of the soup, and encourages me to do the same. Either I’m as gullible when it comes to love in all facets, or this Daal has just become my own addiction. And when I taste the Chai Roti… Oh my God, Allah, Buddha, and whatever other deity there is in these regions! YES! I know that I will find myself eating here several times for the duration of my stay. 

Barry chuckles. “I take it that you are enjoying the food?” 

And all I can do is nod as I allow the meal to transport me to another place entirely. The richness of the broth dances all over my tongue, and I can’t help but moan at the taste. It’s so full of spices and herbs, but without the overwhelming heat one would usually associate with Middle Eastern cuisine. I’m tempted to go back to the kitchen and demand the recipe. But Barry assures me that he’ll give it to me when we’re back on the mainland, saying that although he tries, he can never quite get it like Bella’s.

By the time the meal is finished, I’m actually mourning the loss of it. Is this how Justin feels after he’s eaten? “Oh my goodness, Barry. I think I just became a foodie over the course of a half an hour!” We both laugh at that.

“There’s definitely a difference between eating to live, and living to eat. This place certainly falls into the latter category.”

“Absolutely!”

“So do you want to walk the food off, or are you content to stay here and talk?”

“Honestly, I think I want to walk, just so that I have a reason to eat again when the session is over.”

He chuckles as we get up and head out to the beach. Again, I’m struck by how peaceful it is here, despite the reason we’re visiting. “So, back to what we were speaking of before we were so pleasantly distracted…”

“Oh you mean the comparison of my situation to Disney’s The Little Mermaid. I have to admit to not seeing the similarities.”

“That’s understandable. But let me ask you, what was it that first attracted you to Michael? As I understand it, you met him at his former comic shop.”

“Yeah. I had gone in looking for material to present to my Gay Studies class. I wasn’t going to at first, but a colleague of mine and I were talking as we often do about the homoerotic images that were presented, even within seemingly innocent realms. He suggested that I check out a place called Buzzy’s. But when I got to the address, I found out that the owner had retired after selling the store to Michael, who ran the newly named Red Cape Comics and was even more knowledgeable than Buzzy had been. I suppose that’s what initially attracted me to Michael. Yes, I thought his was cute too, but that was just the superficial. He actually came alive when speaking about the comics.”

“So it was his enthusiasm that was intriguing to you?”

I nod. “It was. By the time we finished speaking and I’d found all of the material I wanted to use for the class, I thought it was a genius idea to have Michael come do the lecture in my place. There was information that only a true aficionado of the material could impart, where it would stick with my students beyond the lecture hall. What’s funny is that he didn’t seem interested in me at the time.”

“So why do you think he did it?”

“He later confided that Brian encouraged him to do it. Now, whereas that wouldn’t seem unusual, it did raise some alarm bells.”

“Alarm bells?”

“Yes. I couldn’t figure out why he was so wishy-washy on the idea of imparting knowledge on a subject that he was clearly an expert on…”

“Perhaps he was just nervous because he wasn’t college educated.”

“I would have said that that was the case at the time, but… Well, there were other instances and situations too that raised the red flags. The fact that he wouldn’t even agree to a date with just him and me either of the two times I asked him; the fact that he wouldn’t sleep with me until he got his friends’ opinions on what should be a very private matter… it was like he couldn’t make a move until everyone, especially Brian, approved. I suppose that it was so he would have someone else to blame when and if it all went downhill, instead of owning up to his mistakes or being responsible for his own happiness, or lack thereof. But then there was also the fact that his mother was starting to date Carl, which he was so obviously in disagreement about. He treated her with such disrespect that… well, let’s just say that if I’d said the things he did to my own mother, I would still be shitting teeth!” I can’t help but sigh. “Sometimes, I think her disapproval and the attention it brought him from the others is the only reason he dated me, but then I’d heard the rumors before anything became official, too.”

“What rumors?”

“That he acted the same way in reference to the doctor he dated before me. Then there were the insinuations that Michael became a chameleon, based on his surroundings. I’d noticed it, too, but turned a blind eye so often that it eventually became second nature to do so.”

“Explain that,” Barry says, and I think he wants me to list everything that gave away that I was never going to be priority number one in Michael’s life.

“There was the way he was with Debbie, unless they were in total disagreement. If everything was copasetic between them, he became her sweet innocent little boy, even as he continuously shot digs at Justin, then Blake, and even Emmett and Ted. It was as if, since his ire wasn’t directed at her, his inherent meanness was simply a joke to be laughed at and overlooked. Nevermind that they often made everyone uncomfortable; but as long as Michael was happy, things were fine. But I also noticed that the only one he never did that crap to was Brian. Perhaps that was because he knew that Brian would flay him alive with his words. But then again, maybe it’s because he didn’t want his Ma mad at Brian, specifically, since it would have automatically ruined Michael’s plans to continuously insinuate himself into Brian and Justin’s relationship. It was always apparent that if Brian had a falling out with either Deb or Michael, he wouldn’t come around, preferring to spend all his time healing with Justin. In Michael’s world, he wouldn’t want to do anything that would encourage Brian to distance himself  even further than he already was because of his budding relationship with Justin. 

“Then there was the way he was with the guys themselves. He would make constant comments about Emmett’s manner of dress, or the men he was attracted to, or reference what’s called Em’s ‘See the Light’ days. I was familiar with that group and it was so obviously WRONG for Emmett to try to go straight. But instead of Michael letting the man forget his foray into the closet for a brief time, it was like Michael took pleasure in goading him about it. He also brought it up at the most inappropriate times, especially when Emmett was dating George before he passed. Since George had spent most of his life in the closet, and was finally finding his feet in the freedom to be himself, Michael’s constant digs would make both Em and George a bit self-conscious when they were anywhere except at Babylon.

“He would make comments about Ted’s life as a whole, saying how he was such a great guy, but was boring. Then instead of being concerned that Ted was taking prescription drugs and mixing them with alcohol- like on the night when Brian and Justin had gotten back together after the whole Ethan thing- Michael said to let Ted do what he wanted as long as he took his foot out of his self-imposed grave. I mean, what kind of friend sees the danger one of their supposed closest buddies is in, yet says nothing? In retrospect, even after we all said something to Ted, it was Michael’s follow-up and seemingly thoughtless comments that drove Ted to indulge more. It didn’t help that the man was secretly- or really, not so secretly- still pining for Blake. But when I mentioned it to Michael, he jokingly said that maybe Ted would find him since he was on his own slippery slope to becoming an addict.”

“So in essence, you’re blaming yourself, why?”

“I don’t know. Maybe perhaps if I’d taken Ted aside, I could have helped him past the temptation, you know? Strangely, it was Michael who got me to see what I was doing to myself during my Roid Mary days. But I don’t know if that was for him and his plans, or because somewhere within himself he really did care about me just a little. It’s something I’ll never really know, but can only be grateful that he pulled my coattail about it before it got really out of control. It almost did when Brian confronted me about it. It’s still a wonder that he’d forgiven me for that, especially considering the history with his own father in reference to drugs and alcohol. But I think out of all of them, Brian understood where I was within my head. After I got clean again, the one time we talked about it was when he shared with me what happened to him after Justin’s prom. He told me how out of control he was while drinking and drugging every night, before he would go to the hospital just to be close to the young man. No one knew he was there, but it was also a miracle that he’d made it there at all. Yet from all accounts, all Michael could do was bitch and moan because Brian wasn’t at his beck and call. However, between Vic and Cynthia, they managed to get him back on the semi-sober road eventually. Sure Brian still drank like a fish, and did more alphabet drugs than the average human could consume and still be within their right mind, but he never allowed himself to be so out of control again. So perhaps, if I had shared my own story with Ted about that time, I could have helped him in some way. Teddy just didn’t deserve the mean bitch Crystal could be. No one does.”

Barry nods in understanding as we continue to walk. “Do you remember when Ursula took on the persona of Vanessa in the movie; the part where she was looking into the mirror, that even though she looked like a woman, her true colors showed when she looked at herself?”

“Yes. Ironically, it was one of my favorite parts in the movie because Scuttles had seen her.”

“But afterwards when he’d told Ariel and Sebastian, it spurred them into action, right?”

“I remember that.”

“Well, this is a lot like that. Justin, Drew, and Blake had seen behind Michael’s layers a long time ago, while all the rest of you could only see was what he presented to the world. It doesn’t make you a bad person, or even a willfully blind one per se. Yes, there were moments when you could have and should have called him on his shit, but in your mind, the cost to do so was too great. And that doesn’t only go for you, but for Brian, Emmett, and Ted, too. But just as Ariel did, now your eyes are open, and your voice has been returned to you all. So you played the fool a time or two; everyone does. The important question is: did you learn?”

I smile at him before turning back to the water. Looking out over the vast sea, I can see exactly where I got caught up in the undertow of Michael’s many machinations. I allowed myself to turn off my instincts and adopted everyone else’s tendencies, all for the sake of fitting in. For much of my life I’d been considered the odd ball. And when I look at the men who I’ve become friends- become family- with, I can see that they were, too. 

But the difference between me and all of them is that they couldn’t, or at least in Brian, Justin, and Emmett’s cases, were unwilling to hide their oddities. And it’s worked for them in so many ways. They are each successful in life- both personal and professional- because of their courage, uniqueness, nerve, and talent. But I’ve allowed myself to suppress my own so that Michael wouldn’t feel so inadequate. And that’s when an old song by the Main Ingredient pops into my mind, along with the slightly-inebriated rasp of Sir Worldweariness, Brian Kinney.

“That’s not love; that’s sacrifice,” I say to Barry, who smiles and nods in return. “And I’m not going to do that shit again.”