STAYING OR GOING: BOOK II: CHAPTER 11: IDGAF Part 2

BRIAN

While Blake and Sunshine are taking the time to have lunch and catch up, I figured it would be a good time to return the call from Clarence. He called yesterday, even though for obvious reasons, I didn't feel much like talking. But if Clarence Macy is two things, it's that he's a great friend, and also persistent as hell when he needs to get something off his chest. Based on the messages I received last night, I would venture to guess that the urgency in this case is less about being a good friend, and more of the latter. So after the requisite amount of small talk, I agreed to meet him at the Pelican for lunch.

As I sit here waiting for him to arrive, I can't help but think back to mine and Justin's conversation last night after Alex left us. ‘Ethan was a special kind of crazy in my world.' ‘He was normal.' Those were the two phrases Justin used to describe his association with Ethan Gold, and it didn't make much sense to me, at first. I mean, no, we weren't the poster boys for relationships by societal standards, but we had all their usual ups and downs. Probably more, if I'm honest. However, when I think back to that time, I could understand why Justin needed normal as he'd always known, even if it hurts me to remember it. 

And hell yeah it did, does and probably always will.

We were both dealing with something that was much bigger than we could handle on our own. PTSD is a pervasive bitch that tends to affect everything from the decisions you make, to how you treat yourself and those around you. That's mostly where the guilt about the situation came from, I think. Witnessing both of us floundering, and not being able to do anything other than be angry and sad about it. 

But as much as that conversation was excruciating to have, to hear things from his perspective, I think it really healed us in a major way. I have a newfound understanding for the struggle he was going through. Whereas it didn't absolve me for my part in any of it, having that explanation gave me a bit of peace. And the lovemaking afterwards- for that's what it really was- ranks right up there with some of the best sex we've ever had. And Justin and I have had A LOT of sex over the years. 

Though I can't help wondering what he was thinking in those final quiet moments of our collective postcoital. Whatever it was had to be something either Sunshine wants, needs or wishes with every fiber of his being. I know it's nothing bad. That I'm sure of, so I won't push him. I just want to know.

"Sorry I'm a tad late, Bri. Just..."

I wave away the excuse Clarence is about to give me. "No problem. It allowed me to untangle some deep thoughts. Everything okay with you and Jeff?"

Clarence smiled at me then. "More than! In fact, that's part of the reason I needed to speak with you. But you said you were having deep thoughts? Everything is working out with you and J, right?"

I nodded. "Sunshine and I still have some things to talk about. But so far, this visit to the island has been productive."

"Good, but a word of advice?"

"Let's hear it, since I know you'll give it to me, anyway." I raise an eyebrow at him, and he laughs.

"Well I can't fool you for a second, can I?"

"Nope."

He laughs harder for a moment before sobering. "Seriously Bri, listen to him. I mean, really take your time in listening to him. Process everything, no matter how mundane or insignificant it may seem at the time. It matters. Jeff and I were in a similar situation as the two of you not so long ago. Remember?"

"Yeah, I do. I meant to ask you what changed."

"Nothing really... Well, except that we've decided to look for a third partner in our relationship." At the shocked and puzzled look on my face, he goes on to explain. "As you know, Jeff and I come with a lot of baggage from previous associations. In short, it's left us both somewhat controlling, for lack of a better term..."

"So you're looking for someone subservient?"

"Not at all. But we need someone to balance us out; someone who can be the voice of love and reason between us while enhancing what we already have together."

I nod, understanding what he's talking about to a degree. Justin and I are truly take charge types, but Clarence and his partner Jefferson Brantley put us to shame. It could be that as CEOs to two different corporations, they are just born leaders which makes it hard to turn off at home. I know Justin has had to advise me to watch my tone with him more than a few times in the past, so it isn't hard to see where the same would happen to them. But Justin and I are far too territorial to even think of adding someone to our relationship. 

It's hard enough just to deal with us, but adding a third? I clear my throat at the horror of the thought, then a small chuckle at the imagery of two angry blond squirrels should Justin and the imaginary partner get pissed at me, for whatever reason. Nah, that's okay! 

"So you're not looking for an intermediary?"

"If that was all, we'd seek counseling. No, what we want is a partner to join us," he tells me.

"I take it you already have someone in mind?" The dreamy, hopeful look on his face was hard to miss. But as fast as I'd spotted it, it was gone and in its place was a look of trepidation. 

"We do... But it's quite complicated, since he's just coming out of a less than ideal situation. Jeff also has something major in common with the man in question, besides being past lovers themselves. They share an ex." 

At Clarence's  continued wary look, I guessed the situation almost immediately. "You mean he's positive?"

"Yes, but Jeff is back down to undetectable status. And from what I know of the gentleman in question, he's close to being so as well. I have a feeling he'll get there now that he's dropped some of his stress, by ending that specific dalliance."

What a way to describe the year-long situation of Ben and Michael. Personally, from all we're learning about Michael's fuckery, I can't disagree. He was playing with Ben, as a snake would a mouse before he either swallowed it while alive, or killed it dead before devourment. It makes me almost afraid to think of what he would have done to me if I rejected him and his ideas even sooner than this trip warranted. There isn't even a question in my mind that I still would have done it, no matter the circumstances, but... 

Turning my attention away from those disturbing thoughts, I ask, "So what is it that you want from me?" 

Clarence just stares at me for a moment before answering. "A little advice would help, I suppose. I mean, our desire is for the soon-to-be-ex of the most un-best best friend."

"I figured you were talking about the Professor." Wait though! Zen Ben is Jeff's ex? When the hell did that happen? He's only ever really talked about Paul to any of us. I shake my head at the puzzle pieces laid before me. "But would that be awkward for you though? I mean, they have a history that you weren't a part of."

"Actually, I was, although Ben doesn't know it. I was the reason Jeff and Ben separated. Jeff hadn't cheated on him, or anything like that, but he and I really wanted to see where things led. By that time, Ben was in Grad School and Jeff was still building his business. Both were incredibly busy, with Jeff traveling a lot. He and I met at several conferences, when one night things almost went too far. Of course, it was then that Jeff told me about his boyfriend, and that if we were going to do this, he had to be honest with the man he was seeing at the time. I respected that. So when Jeff returned home, he and Ben decided to break things off. It was amicable enough that they remained friends, although it was from afar. They would see each other from time to time, here and there, when Ben just seemed to disappear for awhile. 

"At first, we didn't think anything of it; just thought he might have been working or partying, or whatever. Then, after a couple of years of never running into him, Jeff started to mention him more and more. Not in a derogatory way towards me, per se, but just that he missed him. But then the situation with Paul happened and... Well, as they say, the rest is history. We actually looked for Ben after hearing of Paul's death, but by the time we found him..."

"He was involved with Michael," I sigh. "Why did you look for him at all? And why didn't you approach him long before now, just to maintain a friendship?"

"Ben and Jeff have been in touch for a few years now, and are once again solid. But although Ben knows of me, he had never officially met me. Well, not until we got here on the island. He didn't realize it, even though you guys asked me about Jeff in front of him. I can't blame him for that, considering just what he was focused on at that moment. Michael really is a douche."

"True," I added, still in shock at this turn of events. 

"But anyway, I don't mind telling you, I kinda developed a schoolboy crush on Benjamin Bruckner instantly. And then when he addressed that little idiot... Tell me something Brian, have you ever had a shiver go down your spine just hearing Justin's voice?"

I couldn't deny it, so I didn't. "Even while we're arguing sometimes."

"I completely understand. There are times when Jeff and I go at it so much, we just end up fucking the angry out of each other before anything gets resolved. I have a feeling it will be that way with Ben, too."

"What makes you think that? We call him Zen Ben for a reason. I think, in all the years I've known him before this situation, I've only seen him truly angry three times."

"That's good to know, since it's that kind of calm Jeff and I need. But there's also pent-up passion, lurking just beneath the surface. And I want it."

"From experience, that's a dangerous addiction to have, Clarence. It causes you to wish for things you never thought you could have, or would have. Then it turns around and actually makes you feel things. Then you find yourself doing just about anything to keep it going, even so far as to marry your addiction, because somehow you just know that life with him would be more bearable than to be without him. Sometimes I really wish I never took a sip from that devil's cup called Justin Taylor-Kinney, but well... here we are."

Clarence burst out laughing at me, and I couldn't help but join in. I mean to look at where Justin and I began to where we are now, one would think somewhere along the way, I lost my mind. But in all honesty, I know I'd found it under a streetlight long ago. 

"So seriously, Brian. About Ben, should we go for it?"

"I can't tell you what to do, man."

"I know that, but let me put it another way where you can. Would you?"

I had to think about that for a moment. The long and short of the matter is that we're all here on an island, quite a few miles away from Pittsburgh. And there is no place on earth I would rather be right now than within touching distance of the one I want above all others. Sure, the situations that got us here fucking suck. But the truth is that it's also not giving any of us an out. We have to say the things we've put off saying for so long. But if Justin was Ben in this Clarence's scenario?

"Yeah, Clarence. I would chase him. Hell, I'm here, chasing Justin so that he can't avoid talking to me for any reason. So if you and Jeff want Ben, you both better work your asses off to catch him."

Clarence and I continued our lunch amid laughs and stories about our respective partners. One thing occurred to me as I sat there with him. I may have lost one friend and a mother figure by separating from the Novotnys, but I was reclaiming myself and adding to my true family in the process. 

JUSTIN

Blake and I decided to grab a seafood lunch, then head to the beach to catch up. It's been kinda weird not having immediate access to him every day. Whether in person, by phone, or by email, Blake and I always managed to remain in touch in some capacity since he and Ted reconnected some years ago. Although just spending time with Brian has been necessary, I find I miss my routines as well.

"A penny for your thoughts?" Blake asks, just before taking a huge bite of his shrimp po'boy.

"Just thinking of how much I've missed being able to talk to you at will."

"I know. That's the one thing that has felt a little off, even if we needed the separation."

"Especially considering the other night..."

"Yeah," he says, getting lost in the memory for a little bit. "Jus, I'm..."

"If you're about to apologize, don't. You have nothing to be sorry for. And neither does Em. In fact, I should thank you."

"Thank me?" Blake asks. "What for?"

I sigh, before having to acknowledge the one flaw in my personality that Brian both hates and loves in equal measure. "Because if it wasn't for the both of you, I don't know that I could have told Brian everything."

"Everything?"

"Yeah. We had a long talk about what led up to me working for the Sap, as well as what led to Ethan. Some things he knew, but the facts he didn't... Well, let's just say that having you and Em there to vouch for me, really helped."

"You know he would have believed you, Justin. You have to know that."

I thought about it for a moment. Sure Brian would have believed me eventually, but there also would have been a million recriminations afterward. So many that I would have just clammed up and let him live in whatever assumptions Brian would have drawn from my silence, without offering him the unadulterated facts. It was the way we always operated. At least, it was until the meeting at the Pelican.

"Over the years, I have studiously avoided talking about that time in my life with Brian because of how many other arguments it always led to. There was never going to be an easy way to tell him what my mindset was, or what the plans were concerning him, regarding the Sap and Michael. I mean, how was I supposed to tell Brian Kinney that his best friend had promised a man he absolutely hated free rein with his body? Michael had done such a great job in fooling everyone, that even I was second-guessing myself. I thought maybe..."

"That he cared, just a little, since it could have happened to anyone else, including him, if not for Brian?" Blake finished for me.

"Yeah." I sighed again. "Pretty stupid on my part, huh?"

"Not at all. I mean, if you really think about it, the air of innocence he projected would have been expected from the son of the PFLAG President. If anyone should have been able to empathize with the victim of a hate crime, you would think it would have been someone who was bullied themselves. But even while sitting here, I wonder if that wasn't an act, too."

"What do you mean?" I ask, because with what we're learning about Michael's duplicitous behavior, it isn't hard to see him as a puppet master, even that young. 

But just because we are experiencing this new level of vindictiveness from him, does that mean he could have been targeting Brian since their first meeting, or even before it? 

"Admittedly, I'm no expert, Justin. But if we look at the history of Brian and Michael, it leaves a lot of questions and speculations that we never even thought about before."

"You're specifically thinking of the situation of Ben and his bout of Roid Rage aren't you?"

"How did you know?"

"Lucky guess," I answered, even if it wasn't. The truth was, something always bothered me about how easily Michael slipped into his little boy lost routine that night... as if he'd done it before with similar results. "All Brian would've taken notice of is how much bigger and stronger Ben was in comparison to Michael, in order for him to remember the many exchanges between Joan and Jack."

"That's true. But the question is: How did Michael know Brian would respond the way he did when the bullies were picking on him in school? I mean, in high school, most teens are too busy socializing between classes or rushing to and fro, trying to either get away from school or to their extracurricular activities. In all honesty, most would just stand by and watch a fight between students rather than step in to stop one. So again, how did Michael know that Brian would respond the way he did by coming to Michael's defense?"

I think back to Brian's description of the day he met Michael. According to him, he was just about to head into the locker room when he heard arguing between his teammate on the soccer team and some other kid. Originally, Brian was just going to mind his own business, but Michael had called him by name to help him out. Although somewhat new to the school, Brian was becoming pretty popular because of his looks. Jack and Joan were careful in their abuse, and never left marks on Brian's face. It made it easy to cover up the ongoing battery. 

The thing that struck Brian the most wasn't just his name being called, but the fact that he hadn't had any classes with the person calling out to him. Brian was in all honor classes, while Michael spent most of his time in general education. And what the hell was Michael doing in the athletic wing, anyway? Brian often remarked on Michael's laziness and unwillingness to do anything other than eat, and that was just while I was around. So, since Michael wasn't an athlete, there was no real reason for him to be there except...

"Blake, I think you might be onto something."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I do." I then relay all of what I remember of mine and Brian's conversation about that fateful day; how it ties into what we are all seeing now regarding Michael Novotny. "Brian's magnetism, even then, was staggering. His parents undoubtedly noticed it early on. That especially goes for Jack Kinney, which is why he tried so hard to beat Brian down and discourage him in whatever way he could from succeeding. In Brian's household, there was only supposed to be one shining star and Jack was it."

"But it was more than okay for Brian to take care of the household financially?"

"Let me ask you this, Blake. Even though you and I grew up similar, what was the one thing drilled into your head early on?"

"That it was my duty to make sure the family was well taken care of."

"And what happened as a result?"

"My parents would go off doing God knows what with God knowing whom, while I was left to take care of everyone and everything."

"And if you didn't?"

"There would be hell to pay when they got home."

"And was that the core of Curtis and Flora's issues with you when you told them you were gay?"

I can see the dawn of recognition in his eyes. "Hell yeah, it was. They had arranged for me to marry Penny Hardeman, which would have been a lucrative alliance for our family."

"That part of our histories are the same, since Craig had designed my life much the same way before I came out. And all in the name of me taking over the family business so he could be a man of leisure. But back to Michael... What if, knowing how Brian was being treated by his parents, and their expectations of him, could be redirected towards himself and his mother instead? All it would take was several ‘rescue missions' to gain Brian's trust, and Voila! The Novotnys look like a much better alternative for Brian to be tied to than his bio family."

"That's one helluva theory." Blake nods.

"That it is, but when I think of Lindsay before she and Mel separated, I can see the similarities in those supposed chance meetings with Brian. Now that's not to say Lindz would have taken things this far, but avarice is still greed, no matter how it's displayed. And just like Jack Kinney, Michael would have seen Brian's potential even then. My husband was never one to dumb himself down just for the comfort of others; at least not where his intelligence was concerned. He would do that in other ways, such as denying himself what he truly wants, or buying into their ignorant, preconceived notions, on the pretense that they really know him. If Brian is guilty of anything, it's that."

Blake and I sit and absorb all of our conversation, before he asks, "So what should we do about this theory of yours?"

"Get through the next several sessions, including confronting Michael about the missed messages..."

"About those, what do you think his real purpose was in doing that?"

"Aside from breaking us all up so he could have his supposed entourage back? In Brian and Ted's case, I know it has something to do with Kinnetik. Fucking around with the phones, while Remson was trying to reach out to them, was proof of that. But with Emmett, I'm not sure, since he doesn't seem to really know just how wealthy Em is on his own."

"So that leaves us, and Ben."

"Yeah, it does, Blake." I shake my head. "I don't know what his Plan B is. But all we can do is stay ready and be prepared for his manipulations."