DREW:
We arrived at the hotel and I have to say, Justin outdid himself. Ironically, even with all of my money, fame and success, I have never stayed at the Four Seasons. I think it will become my new favorite hotel chain and hobby from now on. I wish Emmett was here, he would love it but… maybe this time away will be good for both of us. I know that seems strange to say but after the PFW he and his friends had last week… well let’s just say I’m not quite over being pissed off.
I wonder if he arrived home by now and received my note. If Michael had his way- which he most assuredly is- I would say, probably not. I don’t know where Emmett and I started going wrong but I don’t like being taken for granted. Out of all the men who fell at my feet during my ‘teen years’ of being a gay man, I never forgot Emmett. I never didn’t NOT want to be with him; I never took the gift of his love and friendship for granted, even when he let me go to find out the meaning of being a gay man. And yet, every time he leaves me, for business or for pleasure, I feel like a spectator in his life. Last week was supposed to be ours. It was the first time in four months that we had off from our schedules at the same time, not having to travel here or there just to spend a half an hour at a time in the same place. I can’t even lay all of this bullshit at Michael’s feet because Emmett made the choice. When I pointed out what he was doing- albeit angrily- Em dug in his heels and left. I didn’t even find out where they were except by text message telling me that he would be back in a week. How fucked up is that?
Well I returned the favor somewhat. I told him that Blake had something to take care of and that I was with him. I know that Em will know that nothing is going on between me and Squirt but he will know how it feels to receive information secondhand. It fucking hurts! And sadly, that’s what I want Emmett to feel right now. I want him to know for once what it feels like when he comes home and I’m not there because of a friend, not work. I want him to know how it feels to need my support and understanding but it not be there because of a friend, not work. Dammit I want him to finally understand the loneliness that the others and myself have been left feeling for the longest time because of a fucking friend, not their respective careers. I want Emmett to do what he wants for once and not what’s expected of him by a so-called friend.
“Hey, you okay?” Blake asks as he comes up behind me while I overlook the skyline. “You have that scowl on your face again.”
“I know. Just thinking about Emmett… again.”
“Don’t lie to me Drew. Sure you were thinking of Emmett but also of the situation you- the situation we’re all- in. I don’t know what Mel was thinking when she ordered us to therapy.”
“I think maybe she’s trying in her own way to save us from ending up like her and Lindsay.”
“But Lindsay is Bi with entitled expectations so where’s the comparison?”
“Let’s make ourselves comfortable and I’ll tell you my theory, okay?”
He nodded and we went out onto the balcony. The night air was warm and sultry. I can’t imagine being in this environment all the time; I’m already sweating bullets. But Blake looks like he was born for it. I supposed he’s used to it having lived in this city for most of his life until he was eighteen. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for him not having familial support for all this time. Even when I came out, my folks were understanding about it and just asked that if I was so inclined, they would like a grandchild eventually. But Blake is here to see his grandfather and sister while trying to avoid the rest. It’s going to be hard for him and yet here we are both thinking about what we just left back in the Pitts.
“Mel knew that Lindsay was Bi but didn’t want to face it. That denial caused her to think she wasn’t enough for Lindz. By the time Mel accepted that things between her and Lindsay weren’t going to work, there was just too much bad blood between them. In Mel’s mind, I think she’s thinking that if she and Lindsay had just talked first about the issues in their relationship, they could have saved the friendship.”
“But their friends now, right?”
“Yeah but they weren’t for quite awhile, even though Mel did right by Lindsay when she let her go to be with Harrison. There was no doubt that Mel loved her and that it was a tough decision. But she’s giving all of us a chance to make an informed decision about whether we think our relationships are worth the trouble. She’s giving us a chance to say what we need to say in a controlled environment and to know that we did everything we could regardless of the outcome.”
“You’re remarkably well-informed.”
“Mel and I became friends right after Emmett let me go. She was there the night that Emmett explained that a newly gay boy had no business in a relationship with someone who had known who he is for a long time. It was Melanie that helped me see the true gift of what Emmett gave me, even at great personal cost to himself.”
“So where does that leave you and Em now?”
“In the same mess we’ll go back to in a few days. I just don’t know Blake. This situation with Michael…”
“Is annoying as fuck!”
The vehemence in his voice caught me by surprise. Although I didn’t know him that well prior to last week, Blake was always the Anti-Justin, slow-to-anger, more timid than confrontational, a slow burn instead of a stick of dynamite. Somewhere along the way, Justin has been becoming Blake while the slight blond before me has been slowly unraveling.
“Yeah it is but what else is bothering you Squirt?” He smiled slightly has his newly-given nickname but it wasn’t as bright as I’ve ever seen it. In fact it was downright dismal compared to the wattage he and Justin usually have.
“Just got a lot to think about Drew; same as you.”
I nodded knowing that he wasn’t telling me the full truth. But I was willing to let him have his secret for now to work out on his own. Lord knows I’m fighting my own penchant to want to forget by sinking into the nearest ass I can find, just because I can. Brian and I have that in common. But I don’t want to hurt Emmett that way. I promised him that my wild oats soaring days were over when we came back together. I never regretted it and even though I’m feeling a bit jaded right now, I still don’t.
“Well Blake, I suggest we can the think cap for the night, go out and get some dinner and then come back and hit the bed. You have a long-awaited date with destiny tomorrow and I may have to crack some skulls to give you time with one of the men who matter the most to you. All this other stuff can wait. It simply has to. So what do you want to eat?”
And by tacit agreement, Blake and I decide to concentrate on our reason for being in Florida, leaving the reasons for our added anxieties languishing in the backs of our minds for another time.