“Five more days,” Petra says as she takes off her makeup while Nathan scrubs harder at his own, “I wonder how much the show will change during them.”

Nathan shrugs, “Jeff is pretty enthused with everything and has kept almost everything the same for about a month now. I guess it depends on how he wants the audience to react to scenes versus how they actually end up reacting.”

“Isn’t Brian dragging along some retired New York Times critic to judge that the first weekend?”

“That’s what Jeff told Rebecca.”

“My parents and my older brothers are coming the first night. I hope we don’t fuck it up. The last thing I need is my dad judging me.”

“I think Nadia’s worried about the same thing. But Seb’s parents will probably make t-shirts.”

Petra laughs, “I don’t get why he’s so embarrassed by them...Okay, I get that they’re a little embarrassing but they are so proud of like everything he does. He’s lucky to have them being as supportive as they are.”

“He is.”

When Nathan says nothing else, Petra turns to look at him.

“Is Justin coming still? Jennifer, Tucker, Molly, and his dad?”

“...I don’t know.”

“Emmett and Drew?”

“They’re Justin’s friends, Petra.”

“I just-” Petra starts out helplessly, “I want you to have people there for you too.”

Nathan sighs, “I’ll have people there for me. Liam, Carmen, and Lola are coming later in the week. I know I met them through Justin but they’re still my friends too, so far at least. And I met Remy and Cormick on my own and I got them comp tickets for a matinee a few days after the show officially opens. Believe it or not, I didn’t meet all my friends through Justin.”

“I know that, since I’m one of them,” Petra says as she raises a brow, “Don’t mind me. I know you are strong. I just know that you were close to Molly and visited with Justin’s mom for some of the holiday stuff and started talking to Justin’s dad-”

“Petra,” Nathan interrupts, looking down as he gets his things together, annoyed and a little emotional over the conversation.

Petra pauses before collecting herself to speak again.

“I’m sorry,” she says to him, coming a little closer, “I put my foot in my mouth. I didn’t mean to upset you. I’ve just been worried.”

Nathan lets out a breath, “I know you have been. And I know I haven’t given you much of a reason not to be.”

“Maybe if you would talk to me. About how you’re feeling. Talk to me about...about these nightmares-”

“They’re nothing,” Nathan tells her, trying to get her to drop the subject.

“They’re obviously something. You’ve been having them for weeks and they can be terrifying. It’s been upsetting me and it made me remember how you had a couple when we slept over at each other’s apartments before you got with Justin-”

Nathan sighs and walks over to her, “It’s probably just stress, alright? I’m sorry that I’ve woken you up. I really hate that and I am working on getting a place so you don’t have to deal with me.”

“Don’t say that. I’m not dealing with you.”

She isn’t saying it in a way that sounds like a lie but he knows it has to be anyway. Regardless, he leans down to kiss Petra’s cheek and she puts an arm around the back of his neck to offer him some comfort in return.

“Are you guys ready to go yet?” Nadia asks through the door, “Seb and I want to head out.”

Petra turns her head, “Just a minute!”

“You got everything?” he asks her, leaning back a little.

“Yeah, are you sure-”

“Petra, you aren’t my mother, remember?”

“Oh, yes. That must have slipped my mind,” she glares.

“Coming in!” Nadia says, bursting into the room before staring at them, bewildered, “Well, you two are standing awfully close. Nathan, I didn’t know you swung that way.”

As much as he and Nadia can clash, he does feel grateful that she hasn’t tried to get him to express his feelings or stopped being herself by tiptoeing around him. She had sent him a heartfelt text (or at least as heartfelt texts from Nadia can get) and brought him breakfast a couple of times the first few days post-breakup. She was done with that now. And, in a way, he was relieved about that. He knew it was unhealthy and sounded awful but there were so many times where he just wanted everyone to forget about him and move on with their lives so he could just be alone. It would be better for everyone and he wouldn’t feel so inconvenient.

“Ready to go?” Petra asks, rubbing his biceps and checking his expression one more time to see if he is okay.

“Yeah. We can go.”

They get their things and follow Nadia out the door to meet Sebastian. Nadia insists that they go out to eat for happy hour and a slightly early dinner at this place she found in Astoria, a neighborhood that he is often terrified to go into and only does when he has to for a rare show there or, on one instance, an event with Justin. But he knows it’ll worry Petra, Seb, and possibly Nadia if he decides to ditch after they get on the train. He’ll have to deal. It may make his hands shake and being here may make the nightmares worse tonight but it’s not like he hasn’t come back before, even though he avoids the streets and businesses he used to frequent as a teenager whenever he has to.

There is a moment when they are heading to the Bohemian Hall & Beer Garden when he thinks it might be close to his old house but Nadia points the place out right before crossing the street and Nathan breathes a sigh of relief because the place that he associates with pain, misery, terror, and nightmares isn’t for another couple of blocks.

He sits down with them. Listens to them talk but rarely speaks himself. Sebastian and Petra just have a couple of beers. Nathan and Nadia have a few more. Nadia aiming for a good heavy buzz isn’t surprising but, going by Petra’s and Sebastian’s glances of concern and Nadia’s look of surprised approval, he knows that his bandmates have caught onto the fact he isn’t feeling okay. He knows they assume it is because of Justin and it partly is but it’s also because he is in fucking Astoria and every time he is here he is terrified of running into someone who he used to know. Someone well-meaning who will call him by his old name. Someone who asks him how he is doing with too much concern in their voice. Some asshole who points out who he is to their friends. Someone had done that once when he was 18 and decided to face his fears by coming back to the area to walk around. It had been a jock he went to school with. One who had called him faggot and tried to push him around. Amös Moratis had been on break with his work buddies, told them who he was, and then called him a freak and a monster. They hadn’t even known what he had done. What crime he had committed. They had just known that a monster was what his father was and pegged him as the same.

He had gone back to his apartment in the Bronx and sobbed for hours. He burned himself on his wrist with a lighter to get himself to snap out of it. His roommates hadn’t been there, thank god, but at the same time he had felt so alone. He had been so fucked up back then. He’s sure his foster family had been happy over his departure. They had strongly encouraged him to pack his things the day after his eighteenth birthday and gave him some money for a bus ticket and his first three months of rent but they hadn’t stayed until the bus arrived, just dropped him off at the corner and never reached out to him again. He hadn’t felt close with them but it would have been nice to have someone to talk to when he had been dropped off in Times Square with nowhere to go-

“Nathan!” Nadia says, a little annoyed.

Nathan shakes himself out of his thoughts and looks at his friends in confusion.

“Ready to go?” Petra asks more softly, more concerned than ever.

“Yeah, sure. Here, let me get the bill,” Nathan insists as he takes the small leather folder.

“You sure?” Nadia asks, starting to put her wallet back in her purse.

“It’s fine. I have to use the bathroom before we go anyway so I’ll just pay up front.”

“We’ll give you cash to cover our portion of the tip,” Sebastian tells him as the girls nod.

Nathan stands up, heads back inside, and waits behind one other customer to pay. When it’s his turn, he gives the waitress a smile, gets out his wallet to pull out his debit card, and hands it over for her to scan.

“Was everything good for you today?” she asks with a chipper voice as she slides the card through the scanner.

“It was great,” is all he says in return, waiting for the receipt to print.

“Hey, Nicole?” another waitress asks, coming up to the register, “Can you cash me out when you’re done?”

“Yeah, Paige. Just hold on and wait until I’m finished with our guest,” Nicole tells her, slightly annoyed as though Paige has interrupted before.

Paige nods before turning to glance at Nathan, tilting her head as she does so.

“Hey, have we met before?” she asks, studying his features as she tries to place him.

Nathan gulps nervously and tries to not panic. She could have come to one of their sets and might know him that way but, after studying the girl a little himself, he knows that’s not it. Paige...Paige Jenkins. The blonde, petite, and slightly ditzy cheerleader at William Cullen Bryant High School. She was the freshman who dated a senior when Nathan was a junior. He never knew her, just had seen her at the games he didn’t give a shit about but went to anyway to have a reason to not be in his home. He usually read books or did his homework during them. She had been notorious solely because she had dated the golden boy in high school. He had only gone to school with her for a couple of months before everything happened but that was one piece of gossip that sticks out in his brain. He might not have recognized her otherwise. He wishes he hadn’t. He feels sick now.

“I don’t think so,” he lies, quickly writing the tip amount and scribbling his signature.

“Are you sure?” she asks him, squinting, “I could have sworn-”

“I better get my friends from my table,” Nathan interrupts quickly, handing Nicole the merchant copy and giving them both a fake smile before heading back outside to the garden.

“You ready?” he asks them, biting his lip to keep himself from breathing heavily.

“Yep, we’re good to go!” Nadia tells him, bouncing up on her feet and taking Sebastian’s hand to lead him to the door.

“Is something wrong?” Petra asks him, looking a little suspicious over his demeanor.

“Fine,” he waves her off before letting a shaky breath out from his nose.

He’s not fine. He was just terrified by a well-meaning waitress who is barely five feet tall and he didn’t even get to take a piss because he decided to practically run away. But he won’t tell her that.

She nods and lets the moment pass as they go out the doors to follow Nadia’s lead.

“Want to walk around?” Nadia asks them, turning around to face them and walk backwards, “It’s a nice area. My friend back in high school lived here and we used to walk around all the time. Go shopping, out to eat, to the museums. Sometimes we would shoplift Four Lokos. Never got caught once.”

“How honest of you!” Sebastian says sarcastically to his girlfriend.

Nadia pouts before coming over to tuck herself under Seb’s arm, “It was either that or show our tits to a 50 year old clerk a few streets over. We stole from a Duane Reade, so they were barely losing anything. And besides, we were 16! We went with the more honorable option!”

“She may have a point,” Petra admits.

“Yeah, I’m glad you didn’t flash your tits at some pervy old man,” Sebastian agrees.

“So where do you want to go? Nathan, any preferences?”

He could suggest a few places for them. Let them know that Astoria Park is beautiful and had been somewhere he had gone on a nice day. He used to spend his summers there as a kid, from sunrise to sunset, writing music, performing for some extra cash, walking around, and sometimes swimming at the pool. He could tell them that the Museum of Moving Image was always interesting. He used to go at least one Friday a month after school for something to do. It has always been free on Fridays so he hadn’t gone through the terrifying prospect of asking his father for some money. Maybe he could suggest they go to Artpolis Bakery, a place he went to when he did make a little extra from performing or at his job so that he could buy himself a Greek pastry as a treat to himself. Or he could ask if they wanted to see if the music store he worked at for six months was still open and maybe see his old boss, Mr. Santos, the one person who had shown him kindness and had called him, worried and upset, when the news broke and kept in touch with him up until Nathan left New York and cut every tie he had in his life.

But he can’t suggest any of those things. They think he grew up in Jamaica Hills.

“I don’t really know the area,” Nathan lies, scratching the back of his head, “I’m sort of tired though. I think I’ll head back. See you all later?”

“Sure,” Sebastian answers, “You feeling alright?”

Nathan shrugs, “Headache. I’ll be fine though.”

“I’ll come with you,” Petra insists.

“Petra, you don’t-”

“You drank a good bit so I don’t want you heading back by yourself. Besides, I don’t want to be the third wheel to these doofuses anyway.”

“But Petra,” Nadia cuts in, “It would be so hot.”

“See? You’d be doing me a favor if you let me tag along.”

Nathan sighs, “It’s your apartment. I can’t stop you.”

“I know,” Petra quips before turning to the other half of their band, “See you later, guys!”

He stays mostly silent on the walk back to the train. He’s too on guard and sick to his stomach to talk to Petra as she chatters along. Besides seeing Paige, the visit to Astoria wasn’t horrifying. Some people who aren’t in his shoes may call it nice. But until they get on the train and he sees no one in his car who he recognizes, he will stay on edge.

Petra must sense something is wrong because, once they sit down next to each other on the train, she reaches over and grabs his hand in comfort and he finds himself squeezing it with practically all of his strength. But if her circulation has been cut off, she doesn’t flinch or complain and just lets him hold onto her. An older Greek woman sitting next to him tells them what a beautiful couple they are and they just go along with it. She tells them they will make beautiful babies one day and Nathan has to bark out a laugh at that because that whole dilemma is part of what has him in such a mess anyway and, if he can’t even get himself to say yes to kids with Justin, then he wouldn’t be able to have them with Petra either, even if she probably would be his second choice.

They get back to the apartment without incident and he’s finally able to pee in peace. When he asks Petra if it is okay if he lies down on the couch for a little bit, she tells him to go ahead and take a nap in her room so he’ll be more comfortable. For someone who claims she doesn’t want to be a mother, she has been mothering him a lot. She brings him a glass water, takes off his shoes, and gets him to lie down under the covers. He’s emotionally exhausted and he knows she can tell, even if she doesn’t fully know why.

“You want me to sit or lie down with you?” she asks, fretting over whatever negative feelings he’s giving off. There had been times where he had come into her room, not wanting to be alone late at night when his depression and negative thoughts hit full force. It wasn’t quite as nice as having Justin there, someone who knew everything and could deduce what was going through his head, but it was nice to have someone who seemed to truly care and would hold him if he needed it. It’s not what he wants right now though. If he does end up falling asleep, there’s a better chance that she won’t hear him freaking out when he wakes up if she’s somewhere else.

“It’s okay,” he croaks out, “I just want to shut my eyes for an hour or so. I’m just tired.”

“...Okay. Just yell if you need something. I’ll be in the other room working on that song.”

“I’m sure it’ll be great. I can’t wait to rehearse it,” he tells her sincerely.

She nods then briefly runs her fingers through his hair before turning off the overhead light and softly shutting the door behind her.

As soon as it shuts, he lets out a shuddering gasp and feels a tear roll down his face. He’s such a fucking pussy. He can’t even make it an hour and a half in a fucking neighborhood without coming home and crying about it.

Taking a few steadying breaths, he feels the exhaustion sweep over him. He fights it for a while, wanting to get a little sleep but also not wanting to face what his subconscious has waiting for him.

As sleep slowly wins out, he wishes with all of his heart that Justin was there next to him.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When he wakes up, realizes he slept a little later than he wanted to since it’s 8:42 in the evening. He’s guessing he wasn’t loud while he was sleeping since Petra didn’t come to wake him up as far as he can remember. He’s surprised he didn’t have a bad dream. He just had a dream about his mother taking him to the park and playfully chasing him around the playground. His face is wet but he almost feels hope, seeing her face again in some form. It simultaneously breaks his heart, knowing it’s been 15 and a half years since she died. Knowing that he will never see her again. But on the rare times she does enter his dreams, it leaves him feeling a myriad of emotions that he can barely manage to sort through.

He wipes his face before getting out of bed. He knows he must look worse than he expected when Petra does a double take from the floor and gets up to sit on the couch to pat the place next to her. Nathan sighs as he goes over to sit next to his friend and, even though he does lay his head on her shoulder when she pulls him in, he wishes he was strong enough not to.

“What’s going on with you today?” she asks him quietly, “You’ve been so quiet ever since we left practice.”

“I just have a lot of stuff on my mind,” he tells her honestly.

“Justin?”

“Yeah, he takes up a lot of my thoughts.”

“What else?”

“What do you mean?” he asks her, confused.

“What else is bothering you besides Justin?”

Nathan shrugs. He knew he should have told her everything years ago. He’s been friends with her for five years and she barely knew anything about him before that. He knew she probably wouldn’t say anything but he was so afraid she would freak and would lose her. It probably wasn’t logical but he couldn’t help it. However, she did know both of his parents were dead. He could try to tell her some form of the truth.

“I just had a dream about my mom,” he tells her, voice cracking a little, “I forgot how pretty and sweet she was. I really miss her sometimes.”

She hugs him a little tighter, “I’m sorry, Nate. I really wish you still had her.”

“Me too. She was only 30 when she died.”

“That’s so young. Were you thinking about her today? Was that why you were so quiet?”

Nathan shrugs, “Some. Don’t worry about it. I’m okay. Part of me was happy to see her, even if it was just a dream. Did you get much composed for your song?”

“I put a bit of a dent in it. I might need your help with how I want the solo to go though,” she tells him as he lifts his head up and she puts her arm down.

“That’s fine. I’ll help you now if you want.”

“I was about to take a break,” she laughs, “Want to watch a movie? Something funny?”

“Yeah, okay. Do you want me to pop some popcorn?” he asks her, already standing up.

“Duh.”

Nathan huffs out a small laugh, goes into the kitchen, puts a bag in the microwave, standing by the counter to listen to it pop. When it’s done, he pours it all in a bowl for them to share and comes back with it to put on the coffee table.

“Oh! Before I forget,” Petra starts as she hands him his phone, “You left your phone out here and got a call. I answered it for you. Eric? Brian’s husband? He was calling to see if you wanted to come over and hang out tomorrow.”

Nathan looks at her, a bit baffled, before taking the phone from her, “Why?”

Petra shrugs, smiling a little, “Maybe he likes you?”

“Petra-”

“Not like that,” she interrupts, “I was at the wedding and saw the fucking heart eyes they were making at each other. I just mean that you guys talked a lot on the times you and Justin met up with them, right? Didn’t you even meet him for lunch and stuff when you knew you were going to be in the same area?”

“Occasionally. But that was when I was...you know, with Justin. I’m not now so he shouldn’t be calling.”

“Maybe he isn’t taking sides. Maybe he doesn’t even know. Look, I would give him a call. You need friends around you right now, Nathan. I know you think you don’t but you do. Just see what he was thinking of doing tomorrow and decide from there while it’s still pretty early.”

“...Alright. I’ll call and figure out what he’s up to.”

“You make him sound so malicious,” Petra snorts.

“You know what I mean,” Nathan rolls his eyes as he finds Eric’s name in his contacts.

The phone rings three times before the older man picks up. Nathan can hear Lily in the background, along with splashing water and Eric telling her not to get water on the floor before he directs his speech to Nathan.

“Nathan!” Eric greets, sounding surprised and pleased, “I’m glad you could call back. How are you?”

“Um...Fine. How are you doing?” he asks, suddenly not sure how he was supposed to talk to Eric anymore.

“I’m alright. Lily’s in the bath and she got my shirt all wet but other than that it’s whatever. Are you busy tomorrow?”

“Not really. We are doing run throughs every day until Wednesday but we’re doing them early so I should be done by 1 or so. Why?”

“I was just wondering if you wanted to come over tomorrow afternoon and hang out and stay for dinner. Brian went to Toronto this weekend to see Gus. I’m still pretty new and don’t know that many people yet.”

“What about all your coworkers and construction buddies?” Nathan asks, eyebrows raised. He knows Eric is new here but the guy could make a friend within a minute flat.

“I see them during the week,” Eric dismisses, “I haven’t seen you since the wedding and wanted to catch up.”

Nathan stays silent for a few seconds before admitting, “You know...you know Justin and I aren’t together anymore, don’t you?”

“I heard,” Eric says softly, “I was really sorry to hear that. But just because you aren’t with my husband’s ex-fiancè anymore doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends. In fact, some people might think our friendship would be less weird now.”

Nathan does laugh a little at that, despite the pain in his chest caused by just talking about Justin.

“Brian won’t be home until like 6:30. He’s taking a cab home so he’ll be back to have dinner with us but not until then. If you wanted to come down after you finish practice, we could walk around, watch a movie, or just talk until then. I mean, I’ll have Lily but I’m sure she’ll be good and will just play or entertain herself. She’s been known to do it at times.”

“...Alright,” Nathan finally says, confused but a bit touched by the gesture.

“Great!” Eric says enthusiastically, “Just text me when you finish practice so I can make sure I’m at the house. I’m really glad you said yes.”

“I’m...I’m happy you invited me,” Nathan tells him, albeit also confused as to why Eric would in the first place.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Eric confirms.

“Yeah, tomorrow. Goodnight.”

“Night! Say goodnight, Lily.”

“GOODNIGHT, NATHAN!!! DON’T LET THE BEDBUGS BITE!!!” Lily yells loudly, causing Nathan to hold the phone an inch away from his ear as Eric shushes her.

“Sorry about that,” Eric admits, “She’s a bit of a handful tonight. Later!”

The line clicks and Eric takes the phone away from his ear to stare at it.

“Weird,” he mutters as he goes back over to the couch.

“Wanting to be your friend and reaching out to you is not weird,” Petra tells him as she takes a piece of popcorn, “It’s just sensible. Groundhog Day sound good? It’s on Hulu.”

“Yeah, I haven’t seen it in a long time. Let’s watch it,” he tells her, settling in as the movie starts to play and trying not to worry about tomorrow.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After rehearsal, he texts Eric to let him know he’s on his way and gets a grinning Emoji in return, which causes a twinge in his heart because it reminds him of Justin but a lot of things remind him of Justin these days. He personally didn’t bother much with Emojis. He could never find what he wanted and would look through the hundreds of options just to find a simple one, always missing it in the process. He was cool with just using emoticons while Justin would occasionally send him texts just in Emojis for him to decipher. Justin always claimed it was because he’s a visionary and likes pictures over words. Nathan always called bullshit on that and knew it was because his boyfriend was just weird.

Ex-Boyfriend. Now Justin is his weird, visionary ex-boyfriend. Sometimes Nathan forgets even though he can never forget the day he broke up with him.

It’s a straight shot on the 2 so he takes it to Clark Street and walks the two blocks to the Davisson-Kinney residence. When he rings the bell, he hears some sort of struggling going on the other side of the door before a slightly disheveled Eric answers the door with Lily sobbing right behind him.

“Bad time?” Nathan asks over Lily’s cries, trying to not stare too hard at the distraught little girl.

“Of course not!” Eric says, moving aside for Nathan to step in, “Come in, please!”

Nathan glances at Eric before glancing again at Lily then decides to bite the bullet and go inside. She’s probably crying over not having the right juice cup or something else that kids cry about and will be over it within minutes.

“Is she okay?” he has to ask as the girl starts coughing due to her hysteria.

“It’s my fault,” Eric sighs, “I’m the worst parent in the world. Can I get you something to drink?”

“Uh, water’s fine.”

Nathan goes over and sits down in the living room, thinking he will have a slight break from the noise, but NO. Lily follows him. And not only does she follow him but she collapses at his feet and cries into his shoes.

Like, what the fuck is he supposed to do? It’s not like he’s around Lily all the time but he always had the impression that she was a smart, sweet, outgoing, and very weird little girl. He thinks about nudging her face with his foot so that she’ll look up and he can ask her what’s wrong but there’s always the possibility that he’ll nudge too hard and knock out a tooth-

“N-Nathan?” Lily sobs out, “D-do you l-like wh-wh-whales?”

Lily breaks down into tears once more and what kind of question is that?

Eric comes into the living room, stops in his tracks, before rolling his eyes, handing Nathan his glass of water, and picking Lily up off the floor.

“That’s enough,” Eric tells her softly, “You’re putting on a show.”

“I. AM. NOT!!!”

Lily struggles in Eric’s grip as he sighs and sets her down. The little girl takes a couple of deep breaths, which only lead to whimpers.

“Alright,” Nathan says, “I’m kind of curious as to what’s going on. She asked me if I liked whales. Was that just a random kid question or does it have to do with all of...this?

Lily clutches her heart and lets out a cry as Eric closes his eyes and seems to ask some higher being for patience.

“Lily wanted to watch a movie a couple of hours ago,” Eric finally answers, “We had Netflix up and she was saying no to everything but yelled “Fishies!” when I landed on Blackfish. I explained to her that it wasn’t a kids movie and that it was real and very sad and she didn’t care. I told her she would probably find it boring because it was a documentary and documentaries are for adults. Still didn’t care. She had her heart set on it and was begging to watch it. I figured she would get bored within the first ten minutes or so then give up on it and go up to her room or ask for it to be changed to Anastasia. And...that ended up not being the case. I sat here the whole time and watched her become completely immersed. I’m proud because it proves how high her comprehension is but, as you can see, it’s had a strong effect on her. I’m a horrible person.”

“No!” Lily shouts as she stomps her feet, “They are bad! They are REALLY bad! They are mean to Shamu and whales and dolphins and fishies and I won’t take it!”

Lily stomps around the living room, face flushed and set on revenge, before running up to Nathan to put her hands on top of his knees in order to stare at him.

“Have you seen it?” she asks him softly with a wobbly lip.

“Uh, yeah,” Nathan admits, leaning back a little, “I watched it with Justin at IFC. He cried too, especially when they took the calf away from his mother and the mother got so upset.”

Lily lets out a whimper as two tears spill from her eyes, “Th-That part made me sad too!”

Lily tries to get control of herself before stepping away and dramatically changing her expression to grimly resolved.

“We have to stop them,” she tells both the men seriously, “We just HAVE to!”

“Lily, like I said, that movie opened a lot of eyes and they are trying to put some more regulations on SeaWorld and other aquariums with large animals in place-”

But it’s too late. Lily is already running up the stairs and he and Eric don’t talk until they hear her door slam.

“I’m really sorry about that,” Eric admits, a strange combination of embarrassed, worried, and a little amused, “If I had known that she would actually sit there and watch and understand almost the whole thing, I would not put it on in the first place, especially right before you came over.”

“She’s a really intense kid,” Nathan has to say, still surprised by the four year old’s passion.

“She can be but I have NEVER seen her like that. Ever. I’m just as shocked as you are. Brian’s in for a surprise when he gets home.”

Eric sits down next to him and they sit there for a moment, neither of them saying anything.

“How have you been?” Eric finally asks him.

“Okay. Busy with the show and writing music so we won’t get behind during the run.”

“That’s good. You’re feeling okay then?”

“...No. I’m not.”

Why he admits that, he doesn’t know. But there’s no point in saying yes, really. No one would believe that at all.

“Want to talk about it?”

“I...No, not right now.”

Eric gives him a soft look before rubbing him on the shoulder, “Alright. I get it. It was hard to break up with my boyfriend, Owen. I loved him.”

Nathan’s interest perks at that. It’s not like he thought Brian was Eric’s one and only by any means. But Eric hadn’t really talked too much about any of his exes. He would sometimes mention an ex by name when telling a story they were a part of but for Eric to say that he really loved one of them was a bit jarring when Nathan has seen how he is with Brian.

“What happened?” he has to ask, looking down at his hands, waiting for an answer.

“We wanted ended up going in separate directions. We were in love. Head over heels, I could even say. I met him when I was about 27. Owen...Owen’s hot. I was attracted to him from the get go. But he’s also kind and daring and spontaneous. For a while, I thought he was the one. We were living this ideal romance at first. The sex was incredible. He’d bring me roses. We’d take each other out on these elaborate dates, travel around the world. It was really fun for the first year, maybe a little longer. But he was so irresponsible, didn’t care about his planning for his future at all. He would spend so much of his money and would buy these things he didn’t need. New cars, go on regular four figure shopping sprees. He cared about fun over building his career and building his life. He was about five years younger than me so I get that I was ready for things that he wasn’t. We were mostly monogamous after the first six months so it wasn’t that. But he was too spontaneous, something I initially admired him for, and still do to an extent, but was annoyed by when he would cancel an appearance or say no to a job when he decided out of the blue he wanted to do something else. He is a model so his job was even spontaneous in the sense of how often he got work but he wasn’t helping himself by doing that. He would live paycheck to paycheck when there was no need for him to. I was becoming really accomplished around the country and I think he resented the fact that I was focusing on my career much more than him, especially near the end. I ended up telling him the truth, that he was too immature and I couldn’t stand not knowing where my life was going. I wanted kids but they weren’t a necessity. I just wanted something I could foresee. When I asked him if that was something that interested him he told me it was something he never gave much thought. Not something he didn’t want or felt indifferent or open to. He literally gave it no thought. When I asked to see if he had a retirement fund or at least money saved up if he would get injured or if there was some kind of an emergency, he said that was unlikely to happen. It was so frustrating and I told him that I couldn’t do it anymore and, while I wished him the best and would be there if he needed someone to talk to, it would be best if we went our separate ways.”

Eric laughs at this point and Nathan’s surprised by it since it’s not exactly a happy story.

“He was heartbroken. It was the only time I think I saw him cry about something. I moved out of our apartment in Los Angeles and moved up to Palo Alto since that was where I was getting a lot of my work. He showed up at my new house a week later, told me how nice it was, then asked me to marry him. When I asked him if he thought about the commitment and planning and responsibility involved in a marriage, he had just shrugged and proclaimed that he was doing it for love. I would have said no anyway but that had been initiative to say no immediately. He just never thought anything out. At all. We ended up being too different.”

“Sounds like me,” Nathan mutters, putting his head in his hands, “I’m not ready for any kind of future either.”

“Bullshit,” Eric calls out, “You work so fucking hard on your music and career. You’re responsible and don’t overindulge in luxuries you can’t afford. You’re nicer than Owen. Don’t get me wrong, he’s nice too but he can be a total dick if you call him out on something. And most of all, you know what you want, or don’t want in this case. It just clashed with what Justin did want so you let him go. That’s pretty noble. Upsetting and heartbreaking, but noble.”

“...You still talk to Owen?”

Eric laughs again, “Sometimes. He’s met Brian. Came to visit in Chicago a couple of times. He and Brian judge each other so hard. I don’t understand why. They’re different but not ridiculously so. I invited him to our wedding. He initially said yes then changed his mind and said something came up. Typical Owen. But I think part of him was hurt because I’ve been over him since before I met Brian and, when I got with Brian, everything got laid out on the table relatively early. Brian’s flaws and past were incredibly real and I accepted and loved him for them because the way I felt for Brian didn’t compare to how I had ever felt for anyone else. With Owen, once the romance was over, his flaws were something I couldn’t get past and I think that’s what upsets him when he looks back. He’s gotten a little better. He’s taking more work and I think finally calming down a little. But yeah, we still talk once every month or two.”

“When I think about how Justin and I might not really talk to each other anymore, I feel like I can’t breathe.”

Eric rubs him on the back, “Then you should pick up your phone for him.”

“I’m not ready yet. I’m not strong enough. Not yet. I texted him back once but I can’t...I can’t hear his voice. The closest I got was a voicemail and this time he came over to Petra’s. I hid in her bedroom and I told Petra to lie and say I wasn’t home.”

“He seems very worried. Brian invited him over for dinner this past week and he kept bringing you up. It’s obvious how much he misses you.”

“I miss him too,” he whispers out, not trusting his voice but clearing his throat anyway, “But he deserves to have the life he wants.”

“So do you,” Eric points out.

“Not as much as he does,” Nathan mumbles, more to the floor rather than to Eric’s face.

“Yes, just as much as he does. I would love to see you both work it out and start things up again but I know that stuff like that doesn’t always happen. But don’t think you don’t deserve a good life, Nathan. And, although it may feel like it now, you will meet someone who gives you the same feelings that Justin does, probably even stronger if you are open with each other and want the same things. Just because Justin’s the first doesn’t mean he’ll be the last. I know that hurts to think about now but you should know that you are worth not only the sacrifice, but the love, acceptance, and everything that comes with it too.”

Nathan forces himself to nod, rapidly blinking any moisture away from his eyes. Before he can say anything else, small stomping feet and a suitcase bouncing against the stairs make them turn to look at the staircase.

“Lily, what are you doing?” Eric asks, already exasperated over whatever his kid has come up with.

“I’m going away, Papa!” she tells him seriously, “I’m going far FAR away.”

“Okay, that’s nice,” Eric answers, “Can I ask where you are going?”

“Florida.”

“And why Florida?”

Lily huffs and stomps her foot, already annoyed with the questions, “BECAUSE. That’s where SeaWorld is. I have to stop them. I just HAVE to!”

“Okay. And Bianca and Vernon are going too?”

Lily looks down at the travel carrier in her hand, “Yes! I told them all about it and they want to help real bad!”

“Ah, alright. I understand, it’s a good cause. How are you going to get there?”

Lily purses her lips, “By plane.”

“Plane tickets cost money. How are you going to pay for it?”

“You’ll give me some.”

Eric shakes his head, “Sorry. No can do. Daddy and I are broke after the wedding, honeymoon, and paying for your dance lessons. You’ll have to figure out another way.”

Lily growls and stomps her feet, “Then I’ll walk! I’ll walk to Florida!”

“That will take weeks for little legs like yours,” Eric points out seriously, “Your feet will start to hurt. What will you even eat along the way?”

“It doesn’t matter!” she yells tearfully, “I will eat leaves and berries and sleep on the sidewalk!”

“Alright. Call me when you get there if you get the chance.”

Lily nods and Nathan is a bit disturbed by her resolve. She goes over to the door, wiggles the knob, and can’t get it open.

“Don’t worry,” Eric whispers, “The chain’s on and so is the deadbolt. She can’t reach it. I always do that when she’s throwing a fit. She got mad at us once and told us she was going to run away when she was barely three years old. She just walked out the door and started hiking. Brian ran outside in just a pair of pajama pants to get her and was livid. It’s funny, looking back at it, but she does try to carry through on her threats.”

Nathan glances at Lily, jumping and getting pissed over not being able to get the door unlocked before Eric’s phone starts ringing.

“Shit,” Eric mutters, looking down at his phone, “That’s Anna. I should probably answer this. I’ll try to only be a few minutes, I swear.”

“It’s fine,” Nathan tells him as Eric answers the phone.

“It’s Sunday, Anna,” Eric drawls, getting up from the couch and heading in the other room, “Why are you calling me on a Sunday? What do you mean you mean the blueprints I sent you aren’t in the right format? Yes, they are. Hold on-”

As Eric’s voice trails off when he goes into his office, Nathan looks wearily at the set little girl, trying to make her escape. She jumps, stands on her suitcase, and glares at the chain like a woman obsessed with her mission. He stays out of it. If she can’t reach it then there’s no need for him to jump in or interfere in anyway. That’s Eric’s job, not his.

And Nathan stays with that decision. Until Lily goes and gets a barstool from the kitchen.

Watching her in shock, she scoots the stool into the living room and gets up to stand on it, making her just tall enough to reach the chain and-

“Lily!” Nathan calls out, rushing over to pick her up off the stool before sitting her down on the couch, “No.”

“But Nathan!-” she starts, looking at him with anger.

“No buts,” he says like the fucking adult that he is, “Listen, Florida is too far. That’s just the way it is. You’ll never make it that far on foot and your parents would miss you too much. You don’t want that, right?”

“No!” Lily insists, “But I have to go and tell them they are being bad! Papa knows that. He saw the movie too and so did you and Justin!”

Nathan sighs, trying to figure out a way to get her to chill out until her dad comes back out, “You...you have to take small steps first. You can’t just go down to Florida and protest in their parking lot. You have to talk to politicians, recruit people to your cause-”

“I don’t know what that means!” Lily tells him, stressed, as she puts her hands on top of her head.

“Look, it’s a hard thing to accomplish, I get it. But you have dance lessons now, right? You can’t be missing those.”

“I know that,” she insists, “But I’ve got to do something. I’ve just GOT to.”

Nathan sighs, “Then why don’t you write a letter? I write when I need to get something off my chest or to collect my thoughts. Sometimes when I need to tell someone something that I can’t necessarily say, whether it's because they aren’t there or I just don’t know how to form the words. So maybe that’s the best place to start. Maybe you can write one to an animal rights group or to the governor of Florida or-”

“Barack Obama!” she says excitedly, bouncing in her seat.

“Sure. Barack Obama. That’s a good idea,” he tells her.

“I’ll go get my pencil and a piece of paper,” she informs him, “You stay right here and DON’T move!”

Lily runs up the stairs and, even though Eric hasn’t been in his office for more than five minutes, he wishes he would come out now so he could-

“Got it!” she squeals as she walks quickly down the steps and hands him the notebook and pencil, both princess themed, “I got my WHOLE notebook ‘cause I’ve got lots to say!”

“Well, you better start-” he starts to say as he hands her over her supplies but is stopped by her hand pushing them back at him.

“Oh no,” she says, “You write it while I talk. You write down everything I say, ‘kay?”

Nathan stares into her big, hopeful brown eyes and he can’t force himself to say no.

So that’s how Eric finds them a few minutes later. Lily trying to be respectful to the president before letting her emotions get the best of her as she stomps around and cries about whales, checking every so often to see if Nathan got what she said. Eric watches the exchange with surprise but lets it play out.

“Do you want to sign your name?” Nathan asks, handing over the pencil and notebook.

“Um, yes!” she decides before slowly writing her first name in big messy letters.

“Hey, you’re a lefty like me,” Nathan notices.

“And like Papa,” she adds.

“I told you lefties were the best, Lily,” Eric tells her, “See? Nathan’s one.”

“Yeah! And Nathan’s the best ‘cause he helped me with my letter!” she says excitedly before she surprises Nathan with a hug, “Letters are the best, huh? Papa writes letters to Daddy sometimes in the morning. Daddy smiles when he gets them.”

“Yeah, I think there’s still something to them,” he smiles a little.

“Do you write them to Justin?” she asks, “If you don’t then you should because you are really good at it! He would love one SO much!”

Nathan bites his lip and doesn’t answer, instead opting to awkwardly pat her on the head before Eric catches onto the discomfort and leads Lily a few steps away, mouthing the word ‘Sorry.’

Lily turns around to look at her papa confused before her eyes brighten.

“You have to mail this!” she tells him, waving around the notebook, “Papa, you just have to! Nathan and I worked really hard on it!”

“Alright,” he tells her, “I’ll mail it, don’t worry. You finally feel better?”

“Yes, much better,” she tells him seriously.

“Good. Now go put Vernon and Bianca away since they aren’t going on an impromptu trip.”

Lily nods before she runs over and takes her rats upstairs.

“Thank you,” Eric tells him with relief, “You were fantastic with her but I am so sorry I left you alone with her. I didn’t think she would go and get a barstool. I wouldn’t have let her out of my sight if you weren’t in the room but the fact that she did it right in front of you shows her nerve. But the letter idea was great and really diffused her. So thank you.”

“You should mail that,” is all Nathan says, embarrassed by the praise, “It might not help that much but if someone does read it they’ll get a good laugh. It’s quite emotional.”

“Oh, I will. I’ll let her drop it into the mailbox and everything. Are you okay with a chicken stir fry for dinner? I have to get a few things for it but I figure we can sit on a bench and let Lily play at the park before stopping at the store. It’s a nice day so it’ll be good to get outside.”

“That’s fine. Whatever you want to do.”

Eric gives him a smile before calling Lily back downstairs to get the little girl’s shoes on. And, even though he didn’t know what to expect when he came over to Eric’s this afternoon and definitely didn’t foresee what had happened, from opening up a little about Justin to learning from Eric’s ex to helping Lily with her save the whales mission, it hadn’t been that bad at all and he and Eric continued to have a good conversation.

Even when Brian had come home, greeted with his husband and daughter with kisses, and had initially acted uncomfortable around him, things became a little more comfortable once the older man settled in and looked at Eric disapprovingly when Lily told him all about Blackfish.

“You showed her that movie?” he glared.

“I didn’t think she would get so into it!” Eric defends himself, “And besides, what was I supposed to do? Say no? It’s educational!”

“Oh, so you would show her The Exorcist to teach her about demonic possession?” Brian snaps.

Nathan can’t help but laugh at that, hard, as Eric glares back.

“That is not even comparable and you know it!”

Brian sighs, “Well, excuse me for having mixed feelings over Blackfish. You threatened to leave me if I took up SeaWorld’s campaign to clean up their image once you saw it. I still don’t know if you were kidding or not.”

“Of course I was...I think. I was looking out for your best interests. People would have hated Kinnetik if you had taken it up,” Eric reasons, blushing at his own previous emotional reaction.

Brian’s serious demeanor breaks as his face cracks into a smile and he lets out a laugh, “I suppose you’re right. Actually, you are. The company who they did hire kind of got fucked once they took them on as clients.”

“See? It all worked out.”

Nathan offers to help after dinner and leaves soon after. Lily hugs his legs and tells him to come back “real soon, okay?” And Eric gives him a hug as well. Hugs are weird for him. He never got them after his mother died and didn’t really start getting them again until he made friends with Petra and built the band with her. He didn’t start to get used to them until he got with Justin. But still, it’s weird if it isn’t Justin or Petra. He returns Eric’s though, hoping he doesn’t come off as too stiff but also hoping the hug doesn’t last very long. Eric seems to take the hint and lets go quickly, eyes crinkling with a smile.

“Come back over whenever you want,” he says softly, “I’m really glad you kept me and Lily company.”

Nathan lets his lips turn upwards, “Thank you for inviting me.”

Nathan heads out at that point. Taking his time before heading to the train. He takes the long way, walking along the promenade before making it to Court Street to take the train from there.

When he gets home, Petra is working on her music and he offers a wave before asking if he can go in her room to work on something himself. She nods and seems almost happy that he’s in better spirits.

When he gets into her room, he gets his own notebook and pen out of his bag and sits down on her bed.

He’s not going to write a love letter or a letter asking for forgiveness. Nothing has changed and he knows Justin needs to do what is best for him. Nathan just needs to explain. Let him know that he still loves him, appreciates every single thing Justin has done for him, and eventually wants him in his life again. That Justin is too important to him to lose and that he wants to them to be close friends, sooner rather than later.

It’ll just take some time. But he wants that if he can’t have Justin as his partner. He wants that more than anything. And hopefully, if he words it just right, it might help Justin feel better too.

So he writes a letter, one that is several pages that recalls everything he loves about Justin and how great of a person he thinks he is. How he wants him to have everything in the world.

Rereading it, it does sound a bit like a love letter. And maybe it kind of is. But that's because he loves Justin more than anyone else. And he loves him enough to let him go and he tells him just that.

When he’s done, he gets an envelope from Petra’s desk and lets her know he’s going on a walk. He takes the train two stops to their place, to Justin’s, and he stares up at their floor. The curtains are wide open and Justin is painting, staring straight out at the skyline. Nathan gets a little paranoid that Justin will see him but he can tell that Justin is in his zone, not to be disturbed even if a fire broke out right next to him.

He has a set of keys. Justin left them with Petra, telling her to tell Nathan that he could use them whenever he wanted or needed to. That his door was open, even if they stayed broken up.

He just needs to use the first one to get into the foyer. When he gets inside, he traces his finger over their names on the mailbox before slipping it in through the slot.

He gets back outside before he feels too tempted to go upstairs, heads back across the street, and turns around one more time.

As he looks at Justin, so focused and passionate, Nathan feels himself smile.

He really was the luckiest man in the world to be with someone so beautiful.