February 13, 2015 - 9:15 am.

Justin isn’t nervous. Just because he let three Manhattan bound trains pass him before he forced himself to get on one doesn’t mean he is nervous. He’s just putting off something that he doesn’t want to do. Although, he could have just had Molly relay a message along the lines of, “I changed my mind. Go fuck yourself and leave me alone” to his father so it’s possible a small part of him is curious about how he’s doing. He has been worrying about the man so he can’t deny that.

His father had called him a few weeks ago. The call went much more smoothly than the one on Christmas. It might have been due to Justin recognizing the number thus not being caught off guard or it could have been due to the fact that his father was sober this time. Either way, despite the conversation not ending with both of them crying like the last time, it was still a stiff and odd conversation. He had hesitated in picking up his phone when he looked at the Caller ID but Nathan had been out with Petra and he wouldn’t be there to help him pack up his stuff until the next day. Justin wasn’t doing anything too important so he had picked up the phone and braced himself for what had come next.

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January 20, 2015 - 7:15 pm.

“Hello?”

“...Hey, Justin.”

Justin doesn’t know exactly what to say. He no longer knew how to talk to this man. He hadn’t known how to start up a conversation with him after he came out but it’s been years since he had even spoken a word to him besides the one drunken phone call. In most ways, this man was a stranger to him now. He hasn’t realized how long he has kept his silence until his father speaks again.

“I’m sorry about calling you on Christmas, son. Especially in the state I was in. I shouldn’t have done that.”

He sure as fuck doesn’t know how to respond to his dad’s apology. It sounded sincere. Justin is pretty sure that his dad is actually being genuine. Maybe that is why he can’t figure out what to say. His father had never been one to apologize. Not for as long as he can remember anyway. He had always been a prideful man and hated to admit when he was in the wrong. The only time he would hear the words “I’m sorry” come out of his dad’s mouth was when he would tell a family friend that he was sorry for their loss at a funeral. He never seemed to regret anything. If Brian had been straight and never had the opportunity to fuck his teenage son, Justin could see Craig Taylor and Brian Kinney getting along pretty well.

“Justin, you there?”

“Yeah, I’m here.”

“I just...I needed to tell you that. I hope you’re doing well.”

“I’m fine. How are you?”

His dad seems surprised that he would even ask. He didn’t mean to ask him that. Whether the question had just come out of his mouth out of habit or it’s possible that deep down he really wants to know the answer to it, he isn’t sure.

“Oh! I’m fine, just fine. I just got home from the store.”

“Is Taylor Electronics still all about conservative family values and fag hating?”

He winces as soon as the words come out of his mouth but the wince quickly turns into a scowl. He knows he probably shouldn’t be such an asshole to his father when he worked up the nerve to apologize. But tough shit. He doesn’t want to let the conversation progress any further if his dad still holds the same opinions as he once did, even if he seems to be finally changing his mind on his son.

“No! That was-I was fucking awf-I’m sorr-,” his father tries to spit out as his breathing quickens. Seriously, what the hell? Is this what Molly had been telling him about? How their manly and stern father has become some shaky and panicky pod person?

“Fine, I get it. Calm down.”

His father breathes in and out a few times and seems to settle down.

“I’m fine, Justin. Sorry about that. Sometimes I get...That question just...I don’t hold those views anymore. I stopped giving money to anti-gay campaigns several years ago and started making donations to the Human Rights Campaign a year and a half ago. I am not quite to the point where I am a staunch and vocal activist for the rights of the LGBTQ movement, but I have made my change in opinion known to people of importance in Pittsburgh.”

“...What.”

His father lets out a sigh.

“I know it doesn’t change anything. I just...wanted you to know.”

Neither of them speak for a minute. Justin needs to sort through what his dad is trying to tell him and he’s guessing his father is sorting himself out in some way as well. Fuck if he knows.

“What do you want, Dad?”

“...I want to talk to you again. Try to make up for what I did. I want to see you again and maybe earn a little bit of respect back,” his father says earnestly, pain lacing his words.

Well, fuck.

“Fuck. I can’t deal with this shit. You had me fucking arrested a decade ago and all of the sudden you want to be my father again?”

“I am so sorry that I did that. It was a horrible thing to do and I will regret it until the day I die. I am not going to force anything on you. I’ll let you off the phone, okay? If you change your mind, you can call me. If you don’t, I’ll understand. I really am sorry.”

“Wait.”

He hears his father breathing on the line, anticipating his answer.

“I can’t promise anything. I’ll give you a chance but if you fuck it up, it’s over. Even if you don’t fuck it up but I realize that it is impossible to get over how you treated me then I am free to cut all ties without any more of an explanation than telling you that I don’t want to talk to you anymore. Do you understand?”

He can hear his father hesitate but then gets his answer.

"Yes, Justin. I understand."

”Good. So when are you going to be able to make it up to New York?”

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February 13, 2015 - 10:25 am.

It had been a strange phone call, but his father had been thrilled that he made the gesture of inviting him up. He had started thanking Justin profusely and stuttering over his words. That had just worried him more. He told Justin that he could make it up in the middle of February for a few days and had called Justin back a few days later to let him know the dates and where he made reservations to stay.

He is across the street from Jeffrey’s. His choice on where they were meeting, not his dad’s. Despite his alleged change in views, Justin is pretty sure that his father wouldn’t have chosen a restaurant on the gayest block in the gayest neighborhood. But he thought choosing a restaurant so close to Stonewall was a subtle type of justice.

Nathan had offered to come with him. He almost let him but then he remembered that Nathan had rehearsal today. They only started this past Monday but Nathan and the rest of the band seemed to be really enjoying the process so far. But this rehearsal would be different. This was the first rehearsal that Brian would be coming to watch so he could talk to them about upcoming publicity stunts and interviews. Nathan shouldn’t have to deal with Justin’s father the same day he had to start working alongside his ex. Even though they had seen Brian and Eric since New Year’s and things were better, Nathan and Brian weren’t the best of friends. So he would do this alone. If he could manage to make it across the street, that is.

He keeps staring at the place and can see pretty clearly through the windows. He pauses when he sees his father. For a second, he isn’t sure if it’s him or not. Even from across the street he can see how thin he has gotten. He looks as though he may have more gray in his hair too but he can’t be sure from out here. He can see his father just looking down at the table by himself while other people talk to the people they are dining with around him. He glances out the window every so often but he doesn’t think his father has spotted him yet. Justin starts to feel bad for being 25 minutes late. He should have sucked it up and not wasted time by purposely missing the train. Even though he knows the ball is in his court and his dad should be grateful that he’s willing to take this step, he still should have met him on time.

So he makes himself cross the street and go through the entrance of Jeffrey’s. He walks over to his father’s table where the man is still looking down at his laced fingers.

“Dad,” he says quietly to inform him of his presence.

His father looks up and seems surprised to see him. At least it seems that way at first. But his father keeps staring at him and doesn’t say anything. It’s like he’s caught up in some moment in his head or he’s in shock. It’s weird.

“Sorry I’m late.” Justin says, trying to get him to snap out of it.

His father shakes himself out of his thoughts, gets up from his seat, and says, “It’s really good to see you.”

He looks like he wants to bring him into a hug. It’s just not going to happen. Justin isn’t going to be okay with hugging his father anytime soon so he ignores the slightly open arms and sits down in the chair across from his father’s.

“You order yet?” Justin asks him as he opens his menu.

“No. I was waiting for you,” his father says as he sits back down.

“You didn’t have to.”

“It’s fine, Justin.”

Justin picks out what he wants from the brunch menu and they both order when the waitress comes by. As they wait for their meals, Justin tries to make small talk, he really does. But his father keeps fucking staring at him and it’s a little unnerving. He tries to keep reminding himself that there is something off with the man and that he needs to be just a little patient.

“I saw some of your paintings online. You’re...You’re really talented.”

Justin shrugs in response.

“I really mean it. I bought one. It’s in my living room.”

Justin doesn’t mean to drop his mouth in shock, but it happens anyway.

“You bought one of my paintings? Why?”

He comes off more suspicious than he means to.

“I just wanted one, okay? I asked the gallery owner to keep my information private.”

“So which one was it?”

“Which gallery?”

“Which painting.”

“Soil to the Sky.”

Huh. That one had sold at a pretty high price too.

“I was wrong by wanting you to major in business. You are doing very well and I’m proud-”

“Stop. Don’t say shit you don’t mean.”

“I-I do m-mean it!” His father stutters in distress.

Justin takes a minute to really look at his father. He watches the man trying to collect himself. The more he studies him, the more he realizes that something is terribly wrong. There are too many frown lines on his face and his eyes look dull but it’s his dad's behavior that’s off. Even though the conversation hit a little bit of a rough patch, it was relatively minor. Nothing that should arise more than annoyance in him But here he is, breathing unevenly, tapping his silverware against the table, slightly rocking in his seat, and making these occasional humming noises. Justin was willing to overlook the out of character apologies and even the meekness the man was exhibiting, but he can’t overlook whatever is going on here.

“What’s the matter with you?”

Justin’s father looks up and, if anything, his breathing gets even more uneven.

“Nothing. I’m f-fine, just-”

“Bullshit. You’re acting weird. And not just by saying you’re sorry and being okay with gay people now. You’re acting erratic. What is it, drugs?”

“W-What? No, Justin. I’m not on drugs,” his father denies. Justin is inclined to believe him. He may have stumbled over a word but that doesn’t mean he’s lying. He’s been stumbling over them pretty frequently.

“Are you sick? You’re pretty skinny. Is this a side effect from a medication or do you have a neurological disorder? Is it Parkinson’s?”

His father looks pretty insulted by that.

“No, Justin. I don’t have Parkinson’s and I don’t have any other diseases.”

Justin studies his father a little bit more and his father uncomfortably looks away due to the scrutiny.

“Molly told me that you’ve been drinking more. Are you going through withdrawal or something?”

“No. M-my drinking isn’t the problem. It isn’t making me like this at least. I could cut down, I’m not saying I couldn’t. But I don’t drink to get drunk most of the time and I don’t even drink every day. I know I need to quit drinking when I’m u-upset but it usually calms me down. I usually just have one or two beers but once in a while I drink more. Sometimes that makes things worse like on Christmas but that’s not it.”

Justin waits for an explanation but his father doesn’t provide him with an answer. He shouldn’t push him for one. It isn’t his business. But Justin has always hated being left in the dark so he asks anyway.

“Then what the hell is going on with you?”

His father stays silent and looks down at the table. Whatever. It’s his dad’s business. That doesn’t mean that Justin has to witness whatever he’s going through.

“You know what? I’m done. I’m going to go-”

“No, stop! Please don’t leave,” His father cries out.

Justin pauses at the desperation in his father’s voice and sits back down to look at him. He stares at the man who gave him piggyback rides, read him bedtime stories, taught him how to ride a bike, taught him how to drive, beat the shit out of the man he loved, told him to never come back home, had him handcuffed in front of the store he and Daphne used to spend their afternoons at after school while he told them not to get too rowdy. He would sometimes take them out for ice cream before he took them home even though his mom would get pissed that he gave Justin dessert before dinner.

He looks at this man and wants to know what the point of all this is. He feels fury and sadness and longing and-

All of those emotions come to a halt when he sees the first teardrop fall on the table.

His father’s head hangs low and his shoulders shake with suppressed sobs. He looks so small and so fucking sad and Justin has no idea what to do. Crying isn’t something his dad would ever do in front of him in the privacy of their home, let alone in a crowded restaurant. He heard him cry on the phone but that conversation had been short and it is so much more shocking to witness in person.

“Dad?”

It’s possible that his father doesn’t hear him but Justin thinks that he does because his shoulders start shaking even harder as puts a fist to his mouth to stop from crying out.

“Dad, please. What is going on with you?”

But his father starts to quietly keen, rock in his seat again, and say, “I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know.”

Justin looks around to see if anyone is witnessing what he is witnessing. Several people at nearby tables have their eyes on his dad. They look concerned, which is shocking for New York. He doesn’t want their pity and he knows his father wouldn’t want it either so he gives them the bitchiest look that he can muster to get them to mind their own fucking business. They take the hint.

“Dad, come on. Tell me-” he starts to say but is interrupted by the waitress.

“Sorry your orders took so...should I come back?” she asks as she inches away from their table.

“Just bring it back later! I don’t care if it’s cold!” he snaps at her. He’ll apologize by giving her a big tip before they leave but right now he can’t worry about his tone.

She quickly leaves with their plates and they have a tiny bit more privacy again.

“Talk to me. You are scaring me.”

That doesn’t get his dad to stop crying but it does get him to talk through the tears.

“I’m so lonely, Justin. I don’t go out, even to the movies. I’ll buy groceries once in a while if I feel like I can go outside. I don’t talk to people at work. I force myself to go there m-most of the time but I lock myself up in my office. I jump at c-certain sounds. Like when someone rings my doorbell to sell me something. I have panic attacks. I can’t sleep yet some days I don’t even attempt to get out of bed. I was st-starting to get a little like this when Madison was still with me but she got sick of it. I don’t blame her. She was a lot younger and didn’t need to put up with me. But now I’m completely alone. I feel so g-guilty about what I did to you. It started out when the guilt started building up more and more. What I did dr-drove my family away and I know I deserve that. Jennifer can’t look at me. Molly has hated me since she was old enough to understand what I did to you. She only answers a few of my calls a year and lets me come s-see her even less. I only get that much because she feels like she’s obligat-”

His father breaks off as the quiet sobs hit him again. Justin watches him cover his face with one hand and just cry. And, as much as he doesn’t want it to happen, Justin feels hot tears pour down his own face. Justin reaches over to the dispenser to pull a napkin out and lightly rubs him on his arm. He doesn’t react so Justin puts the napkin in his hand himself. The action just makes his dad cry harder, crumple the napkin in his hand, and hold it against his face so that he can muffle himself in an attempt to keep any dignity he has left.

“I don’t want you to see me like this. I don’t want anyone to. I’m so sorry that I’m so f-fucking embarrassing,” his dad sobs out.

“Shhh, you’re not. You’re not embarrassing.” he tries to assure him.

“You shouldn’t comfort me. You have to hate me so much. I hate myself so much.”

“Don’t…don’t talk like that. I don’t hate you. I never hated you even when I wanted to,” Justin tells him honestly.

That doesn’t help resolve his dad’s tears one bit. So Justin does something he didn’t expect himself to be doing at all: He reaches out to hold his dad’s hand.

His dad squeezes his hand so hard that he’s surprised that the circulation in his fingers hasn’t been cut off yet. The action started out making his father even more emotional but Justin strokes the man’s hand with his thumb and he calms down gradually. Justin waits in silence and it gives him a chance to will his own tears away as well.

“I really have been trying, Justin. I’ve been donating to the GLC and to the Gay & Lesbian Youth Center. I made sure that the campaigns I used to support knew that they lost my vote and I wouldn't be donating to them anymore. I have been tr-trying to educate myself on the subject.”

“Gay & Lesbian Youth Center? You know Brian founded that place, right?”

“Yeah. It got a lot of press back when it was opening so that fact was hard to miss. I donate anonymously on the website. I don’t think I will ever be a fan of Brian but I’ve heard good things about the center.”

Justin doesn’t know how to respond in regards to Brian being brought into the conversation so he just says, “Hmm.” In response.

“So I’m here until Tuesday. I understand if you have plans-”

“I do have plans.”

“Oh.”

“It’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow. Nathan would be bummed if we didn’t go out.”

“I forgot that it was tomorrow. Is Nathan your boyfriend?”

Justin feels like that’s pretty obvious if he’ talking about taking him out on Valentine’s day but he answers regardless.

“Yeah, he’s my boyfriend. He’s very nice.”

“Good. That’s good. I’m sorry for all this, Justin. Don’t…Don’t worry about me. I’m just going through a slump.”

“You had a breakdown in a crowded restaurant. I’m not trying to embarrass you but that indicates something more serious than some slump. You need to start seeing a psychiatrist. I don’t know if this is a severe case of depression, some sort of mental breakdown, or another mental illness but what you told me is really serious. You have to know that.”

He expects his father to fight him on it, but surprisingly he nods. Then he looks out the window, zones out, and Justin has a hard time keeping his attention after that.

“Listen, I’m going to go pay for the food and give her a tip. I know we didn’t eat but she did try to give it to us. I doubt you want to sit here after what happened.”

“I guess I can walk around. It’s been a while since I’ve been in the city. Thank you for meeting with me.”

Justin lets out a sigh. He had been hoping to keep brunch quick and cordial, then be on his way. That plan went out the window twenty minutes ago.

“I’m not going to ditch you. We’ll walk around for a while and grab lunch. Your treat. The West Village is gorgeous and I think you’ll enjoy walking around. Maybe we’ll catch a movie somewhere since you said you haven’t been to one in a while. Sound okay?”

His dad turns his head away to look at him and he nods again.

“Okay, Justin. That sounds good. Thank you.”

Justin nods back then stands up to pay for the meals that he sent away and slips the waitress a twenty. When he comes back, he sees his father slipping his coat back on and getting ready to leave. He didn’t realize an action so simple could relieve him so much. As they head outside and Justin starts pointing out different historically significant places and his favorite stores, he wonders what he has just gotten himself into.